24/12/2016 EastEnders

CAT MEOWS

Oh, you pest. Go on, off you go, shoo, shoo. Go on.

CAT MEOWS

Do you have to do that now?

Well, want the place looking nice for tomorrow, don't we?

-Where are you going?

-Back to bed.

-No, you don't.

I've got a shopping list here of stuff I need you to get me

for tomorrow.

But I'm meeting Bex later.

For once in your life will you do as you're told!

And before you go running off to your dad, he's not here.

Where is he?

He had to go and see his accountant.

What, on Christmas Eve?

Look, guys, would you help me with the sofa?

Give us a hand.

Move it out.

SIGHING

Hang on.

Why's he left his phone here?

I don't know. He must've forgot it.

But what if the hospital calls?

Well, you'll have to ask him that, won't you?

Look, Sharon, has something happened?

What apart from the fact that Phil's walked out on us, you mean?

Yeah, that's right.

Seems your dad would rather crawl into some hole than spend

Christmas with his family.

COUGHING

Cheers.

You're lucky Lady Di's got the trots.

Otherwise you'd still be huddled on that bench.

I just needed five minutes, that's all.

So it's all right for you to go off in the sunset, is it?

Leave everybody else suffering.

What's happened to you, Phil?

The man that I fell in love with was strong.

He wouldn't let some poxy liver thing beat him.

You don't know what you're talking about.

You know, I used to hate Sharon.

I used to look over at that house

and wonder why it wasn't me in there.

But now I feel sorry for her.

Because she has shown more guts than you ever will.

And do you know why?

Because she stuck it out.

So what were you going to do, Phil?

Chuck yourself in the canal?

Well, go on, then.

Cos I ain't going to stop you.

PHONE RINGS

What are you doing?

I was just sorting them into piles.

Dad!

Oh, don't you dare!

-L, L, your mother's on the blower.

-Tell her I'll call her back later.

Here she is, Elaine, she was hoping you'd ring.

Hello, Mum. You all packed for Spain?

Oh, oh, nope, sorry I can't hear you.

Johnny's pestering me for the phone.

Hi, Gran.

Yeah.

Listen, I'd love to stop and talk, but Aunt Babe wants to talk to you.

-Says it's urgent.

-Hmm?

There he is, look. The birthday boy.

Come here, you.

Look at him, eh? Look at him.

Proper little pudding now, ain't he?

Ain't one big pudding in the family enough?

I hope you don't mind, but I got him a little something.

No, course I don't. Thank you.

Aww.

Martin, I checked through the costumes last night

and yours was missing.

Yeah, I took that home.

Why?

Oh, actually I don't want to know.

Just make sure it's back on the rack by six o'clock.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Here he is! Ebeneezer Goode!

It was a team effort, man.

Patrick.

Winston was saying that the value of a Five Hectors album

-has tripled overnight.

-Yeah! Well...

So what have you two got planned today?

Well, this little one's going to go to sleep, aren't you?

While Mummy ices the Christmas cakes.

Everyone, don't forget it's Dot's leaving do in the Launderette later.

Yeah, me and Stace will be there.

-Yeah, as soon as I get back from the bank.

-Oh, yeah!

Drinks in the Vic! Yeah, once we're all done poncing about.

Let's kick things off in style. Eh?

I take it Donna's going?

Yeah, of course.

Well, then count me out.

I don't want to be anywhere I'm not wanted.

Oh, come on, Mum. This is ridiculous.

I am the beating heart of this market.

Who is waking up to a full house tomorrow?

Unlike some others I could mention.

You will give my love to Tanya and little Oscar, won't you?

Yeah, I will do.

Are you sure you don't want me to stay for the party?

Oh, no, don't you worry yourself.

I'm sure I shall be inundated with well-wishers.

You must be sad though?

The Launderette closing after all these years.

When the Lord closes a door, somewhere he opens a window.

That is Maria, Sound of Music.

-Merry Christmas, Grandma.

-Aww.

And to you, Abi.

Oh, if you see that wretched cat about, you know, you see him off.

He's a bloomin' nuisance.

-Bye.

-Bye.

Aunt Babe.

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-I'll get it.

Oh, Lee, it's that bloke from next door.

Oh, no, no, no, don't answer it.

-Why?

-No, he keeps asking us round for drinks.

I think he fancies me.

-You can't leave him out there.

-Listen, I've been a

-bit distracted lately, but I was thinking...

-I just want tomorrow

-to go well.

-I'll tell you what, when I come back from work

-I'll pick up the last few bits, eh?

-Yeah, OK, thanks.

-A few party games would be good.

-Consider it done.

And I need cranberry sauce.

-I'll write a list.

-Yeah, go on.

-Easier, ain't it?

-Yeah, yeah.

-OK.

See, I told you he'd take the hint.

Tina, it's me. Yeah, listen, I'm going to need you

to cover for me while I pop over the Launderette and see Dot.

All right, well, just get here as soon as you can, yeah?

Cheers, bye.

There he is. The star of our show.

Come on. Give us your line one more time.

God bless us everyone.

Like butter wouldn't melt.

Yeah, I'm not sure Louise would agree with you.

A chocolate milkshake and a cup of tea, please.

I looked out for Phil in the audience, couldn't see him.

That's cos he weren't there.

Oh, well. Maybe in the front row tonight, eh?

You go and sit down and I'll bring it over, OK?

Is everything all right, Sharon?

Christmas is stressful enough without you interfering.

Is it true?

Not now, Louise.

You let my dad just walk out of here?

He's a grown man. If he wants to go, it's his choice.

You selfish little cow.

Don't you dare put that on me!

Phil dug his grave,

and, as far as I'm concerned, he can lie in it.

Come on, Denny. We're leaving.

I can't believe I've left it this late.

It'll be dry in time for tomorrow.

What about Dot's congratulations cake?

I'm sure she won't mind a bit of soggy icing.

This Christmas really means a lot to you, doesn't it?

Yeah. I hardly remember last year, you know, getting sick

and losing my Uncle Charlie.

All the more reason to enjoy this one.

Yeah, I'm just scared something's going to go wrong.

Well, I think if anyone's due a break, it's you.

I think we both are.

Why don't we leave these to dry and pop over and see Dot?

Oh, let's give it an hour.

Knowing Dot, she'll be rushed off her feet.

Aww.

EXCITED CHATTER BELLS JINGLE

SHE SIGHS

You all set?

Will Phil be there?

No, darling.

No, I don't think so.

You ain't much use to me there.

Are you?

CHURCH BELLS RING

Now there's a sight for sore eyes.

What're you doing here?

I come every Christmas to put down flowers on Kevin's memorial plaque.

That's another life that you ruined.

Well, don't let me keep you.

So what are you going to do?

Are you just going to hide out here until your liver rots away?

You know, I don't know why Sharon's so upset.

She's had a lucky escape, if you ask me.

I mean, what sort of man walks out on his family at Christmas, eh?

You don't know what you're talking about.

Actually, it's Ben and Louise that I feel sorry for.

It's not like they asked to be a Mitchell, is it?

And what sort of legacy have you left for them?

Why don't you shut your mouth?

Or what, Phil? I'll end up like Kevin, is that it?

Just go away.

Yeah, yeah.

So you can wallow in your own self-pity?

You see, I've got a problem, you see.

Because if I just leave you here to do something stupid,

then that's going to be on my conscience, ain't it?

And I wouldn't want to give you the satisfaction.

What are you doing?

It's a nice day.

I thought I'd get a little bit of fresh air.

Here we go, Mrs Branning.

Winston says you can keep it for as long as you need, all right?

Oh, thank you.

It must be a very old tape. I found it in the back of a drawer there.

Oh, you wouldn't like a fish paste sandwich, would you?

I can't, sorry. I've got to get ready for the show.

-TAPE:

-Is it on, Shirl?

Course it's on, you dozy cow.

Hello, Mrs Branning. It's Heather here.

I was going to get you a present, but then

me and Shirl got drunk on Woo Woos and I spent all my cash.

So I thought I'd make you a mix tape instead.

So this is DJ Hev wishing you a Merry Christmas.

Well, who am I, then, the cat's mother?

Oh, and Shirl's here too. She's spinning some choons.

Anyway, we can't have Christmas without a bit of George, can we?

So let's start with Wham's Last Christmas from 1984.

Shirl, you got to press play.

What did your last slave die of?!

MUSIC: Last Christmas by Wham!

# Last Christmas I gave you my heart

# But the very next day, you gave it away

# This year, to save me from tears

# I'll give it to someone special

# Last Christmas, I gave you my heart... #

This ain't about Kevin, is it?

I've seen you looking at me from across the Square.

Fancy a bit, do you?

Phil!?

Have you looked in the mirror lately?

Says the woman who's been knocked up by some one-night stand.

What sort of life is that kid going to have, eh?

A damn sight better one than if you were his father.

There ain't much chance of that, is there?

Good, cos I've seen what a job you done of yours.

How many years, do you reckon, before Ben loses it, eh?

Because he will, you know.

And it won't be a spell in a youth offender's this time.

That ain't going to to happen.

Why?

It's not like he's got a father figure to look up to now, is it?

And what about Louise, eh?

Drink, drugs.

How long before she goes off the rails?

She's got her head screwed on, that one.

Yeah, yeah.

Until she finds out that her precious daddy's dead.

Turns out he was too scared to just front this out.

I ain't scared.

Then why are you running?

Look.

You've been given a lifeline, Phil.

And that's something that Kevin never had.

It just turns out that you're too gutless to see it through.

Well, go on, then.

Just grab yourself a shovel.

I'm sure there'd be plenty of people willing to lend you a hand.

MUSIC: Merry Christmas Everyone by Shakin' Stevens

There you go.

You can't have Christmas without a bit of Shaky, can you?

I hope you enjoyed my little mix tape, Mrs Branning,

and I hope you have a lovely time with your family.

Shirl, you want to say something?

Yeah. Eat, drink and be merry.

This is DJ Hev signing off.

One. Two. Three.

Can we get a drink now?

My mouth's as dry as a cat's...

TAPE STOPS

MUSIC: In The Bleak Midwinter by Gustav Holst

-JIM:

-'Mrs Cotton?

-Yes?

'Dorothy?

'Yes, I know my name, thank you.

'I was wondering if you'd do me the honour of accompanying me

'on a little outing one evening next week?

'You know, like a date.

'We could go down that pub down by the river and have

'a drink and then go for a stroll along the tow path in the moonlight.

'No, go away.

'You what?

'I said go away.'

'What's wrong, Lou?

-LOU:

-'Nothing's wrong, it's just...

'Well, I don't know.

'I'm sorry. Dot, you're a good woman, I wish I was as good.

'It's just, I feel a bit touchy lately.

'To put it mildly, Lou, you've always been a bit touchy.'

-ETHEL:

-'Funnily enough, he seems much better this morning,

'he really enjoyed his breakfast.

'What do you think?

'Do you think I should take him to the vet or not?

'There ain't nothing wrong with that dog that a little exercise

'and a bit of healthy diet wouldn't cure.

'How can you say that,

'when you know how he's been suffering with his waterworks.

'You feed him too much.'

-PAULINE:

-'She's been a part of this place for more years than I care to remember.

'She's washed clothes for babies that are now bringing

'washing for their babies.

'Dot's the heart and soul of this place.'

I heard there's going to be some Sixth Formers there.

What's this?

Mind your own.

It's a party in Mile End.

It's about time I set Bex up with a real man.

You want to try it sometime.

Why, it's my nephew Fred.

Having a proper knees up by the looks of it.

We're going to have a banging party with or without my Uncle Scrooge.

How's he doing?

If he'd stuck to drama club instead of playing football,

who knows where we'd be now.

PHONE RINGS

How many times? No phones backstage.

-It's your gran.

-Tell her you'll call her back.

Hello, Mum. Listen. Can you call me back...

Sorry, I can't hear you, who's this?

She's only shacked up with some bartender again.

Look, put Mum on the phone, will you?

..every year without fail, and you know what he'll say?

CROWD: Oh, no!

LAUGHTER

Oh... I see.

I'll get there as soon as I can.

Thank you.

What is it?

It was the hospital. Your gran's had a stroke.

Is she all right?

They don't know. It's too soon to tell, apparently.

Where's Kathy? These breeches are driving me mad.

I got to get to Spain.

I should've spoken to her this morning.

This is no-one's fault, Mum.

What... What's going on?

Gran's had a stroke.

I'm all right, I'm all right.

Right. OK, look, right, right, right. I'm going to find Derek

and I'm going to tell him that we've got to go.

-We've got to go.

-What about the pub?

-Don't worry about the boozer.

-I'll get Shirl to cover for us.

-Look, she can't manage on her own.

-Then we'll close, it's fine.

-I'll go with Mum?

I can help.

There's no point us both going, is there?

It's not like we can do anything.

Will you be OK with Ollie?

Of course I will. Of course I will, course I will.

I'm going to go and check flights.

-Good boy.

-What about Lee and Whit?

They've put so much work into tomorrow.

Don't worry about them. I'll sort that.

What if I lose her, Mick?

Come here, come here, come here.

That's not going to happen, that's not going to happen. OK?

Are you all right?

I'm just getting my bearings.

Do you know this place?

I thought I did.

Merry Christmas.

MUSIC: Carol Of The Bells

You, boy.

What day is it?

Why it's Christmas Day, sir.

I haven't missed it then!

God bless you, spirits.

Do you know the Poulterers on George Street?

-I should think I do, sir.

-Good.

Well, take this shilling

and buy me the prized turkey in the window.

Yes, sir.

A special delivery, Ma'am.

Why, it's bigger than me head!

Merry Christmas to you.

-Ho, ho, ho, ho!

-Isn't it enormous, Father?

We're going to have a feast to end all feasts, Mrs Cratchit.

Mr Cratchit.

According to my pocket watch, you are almost three hours late.

-But it's Christmas Day, sir.

-Humbug!

Please, Mr Scrooge...

I'm sorry...but I have no choice but to...

But, but, but...

But to...

..double your salary.

THEY CHEER

God bless us, everyone!

MUSIC: Shine by Take That

# You, you're such a big star to me

# You're everything I wanna be

# But you're stuck in a hole

# And I want you to get out

# I don't know what there is to see

# But I know it's time for you to leave

# We're all just pushing along

# Trying to figure it out, out, out...

# All your anticipation pulls you down

# When you can have it all

# You can have it all... #

This is so naff.

Two minutes, it'll all be over.

I'm so going to need a drink after this.

Well don't get too drunk.

I like to play charades after the Queen's Speech.

-What do you mean?

-I'll be plating up at two.

# Let it shine, just let it shine

# Let it shine! #

BANG

APPLAUSE

I didn't put any glitter in the script.

Well, it's the last performance, isn't it?

You need some razzle-dazzle, don't you?

CAT YOWLS

YOWLING CONTINUES

MUSIC VOLUME INCREASES

Right. I think this calls for a celebratory drink, don't you?

-Yeah!

-I should go and pick the kids up from Ronnie and Jack's.

Another 20 minutes ain't going to hurt, is it?

Do you know what, you really do get a buzz from a performance.

I remember when me, Sharon and Kelvin, we had our band.

-Here we go.

-What was that big hit of yours again?

-Something Out of Nothing.

-That was it. Classic.

No seriously, if we'd have managed to stay together for another six months,

who knows where we would have ended up?

I remember, every Christmas you used to get that damn tape out.

And there was that one year, do you remember, Michelle hid it.

-This one was nearly in tears.

-Don't you listen to him.

You all right?

Yeah. Yeah, I think I'm just going to go to bed.

Goodnight.

Night, love.

And no getting up in the night.

Santa only comes to little boys and girls who sleep through.

Night, Dad.

Poor kid.

I remember what it's like getting your heart broken at that age.

Trust me. She's better off without that little rat.

GLASS CLINKING

What was that?

Oh! Martin! Martin, get it out!

It's all right.

Martin, get it out before I do something stupid!

Don't worry, don't worry. Out you go. No harm done, eh?

No harm done? Have you seen my turkey?

We'll just have to cut around that bit.

No, Martin - I'm not touching it. It's probably got rabies.

She's got a point. You should probably throw it out.

Right, well, I'll go out there and see if there's anywhere open.

It's ten o'clock on Christmas Eve.

There isn't going to be anywhere open.

What're you doing?

Is it too much for something to go right for once?

What're you looking at?

-You all right?

-Yeah.

You all right? You look like you've seen a ghost.

Yeah. I'm just going to go and get Lily and Arthur.

I'll come with you.

Oh, no.

What is it?

We were supposed to take this round earlier.

Love, I wouldn't worry.

I mean, Dot will have been busy...

She won't have missed us.

MUSIC: Once In Royal David's City

CAT MEOWING

Oh. You poor little thing.

Oh, you must be freezing.

There...

Would you like a nice fish paste sandwich?

I've got plenty to spare.

There's a good girl.

We'll get you warmed up.

In you go.

Right, up to bed you.

Father Christmas will be here soon.

Night.

I need a drink.

Sharon. You better come in here.

Phil!

Hey. Easy, easy.

Don't you want to know how his show went?

I saw it. I was watching from the back.

Was I any good?

Good? You was great.

Proper little Michael Caine we've got here, ain't we, eh?

Denny, could you go upstairs, please?

-But I want to stay with Phil.

-I'm not going to tell you again.

So you're... You're back for good then?

Yeah. I ain't going anywhere.

Listen, can you give me and Sharon a second?

Sharon. I'm...

I'm sorry, you know, about yesterday.

But my head's all over the place at the moment.

Well, it's going to be my last Christmas.

We might as well make it one to remember, eh?

I was going to give you this tomorrow,

but there's no point in waiting, is there?

It's... It's an eternity ring.

Well, don't you want it?

I need some air.

Sharon?

Michelle...