29/12/2016 EastEnders

Na-na, na-na!

What a touch, eh? Half a day.

I've got nothing to wear.

I've got a packet of mince pies where my waist should be.

Why don't you show off your Christmas puddings instead?

Oi!

PHONE BEEPS

Oh, yeah, having a thing with the milkman, are you?

It's Max. Do you know what?

I was thinking I might invite him to the traders' do tonight.

Why?

Well, I'm just a bit worried about him - Jack's told him to stay away

from the wedding and he's taken it to heart.

Plus Lauren's waitressing so, you know, might perk him up a bit.

Yes. Just a bit weird, ain't it?

I mean, it's a Christmas do for the traders.

Yeah? I'm going.

Yeah, but you're my plus-one.

Yeah, he's mine.

-Ready?

-Right, OK.

-What's this?

-No probs.

Right, see you later.

Bye.

Ready? Nee-oh!

Well, there you go. Just this once, mind you.

Are you feeding him sardines?

Oh, she's just a nuisance.

I mean, I was going to have them for my lunch, and she jumps up on

the table and sticks her nose in the bowl before I could cover it up.

I tell you what - I'll take him to work.

-See if he's been microchipped.

-Microchipped?

Oh, and I'm going to get some confetti for the wedding.

Do you want some?

Did you say microchipped?

Well, if he's got responsible owners, he'll be registered.

I am so excited for Ronnie and Jack's wedding.

It's in this classy hotel with a pool and everything.

I'll pack my bikini(!)

Come on, you.

Now, you be a good girl, won't you?

There we go.

There you go. Otherwise she'll be jumping out.

Have a good day.

I did a virtual tour of the high street last night.

And there's a couple of, like, nice little boutique shops

and a couple of all right looking restaurants.

I'm so relieved. I've been worrying about where the kids are going to hang out at the weekends(!)

OK, I know it's not about me,

it's about the kids and schools and parks and all of that stuff...

but it's just nice to know that Ongar isn't the back end of beyond.

Do you still think it's a good idea?

Yeah. Why?

-Don't you?

-No, I just...

I don't want to cause issues between you and Jack

when he eventually finds out.

He'll be OK.

But it wouldn't hurt to give him a little nudge.

How do you mean?

Well, you could be a bit, you know, more helpful, thoughtful.

Well, that's me all over!

All right. Fine.

I'm so excited.

I mean, this is us moving forward - one big, happy,

freaky modern family.

I'm the freaky in that sentence, aren't I?

And I don't want anything to get in the way of that.

Think you should start taking those vitamins today.

Don't even know if I'm pregnant yet.

Then take a test.

It's only been a couple of days.

Then use one of those rapid response ones.

Yeah. Maybe tomorrow.

Do you even want to be pregnant?

Course I do.

You can't even look at me.

Whit?

Can you blame me?

I can't get it out of my head, Lee, OK?

You knew that Ollie was asleep upstairs.

And your mum and dad had been working really hard...

Whit, please. All right? I explained.

You said it was all right.

No, it ain't. It keeps going round and round.

And all so that you could fit in?

That's the sort of excuse that a schoolkid would use,

not a grown man.

I thought you had more backbone.

It's not a good time, OK? I've got my review today.

And there's no way I'm getting extended.

Do you really think that's such a bad thing?

You'd find other work.

DOOR SLAMS

Lee, hold up. How many tickets you sold for New Year?

Er, dunno. Couple.

Well, liven yourself up, yeah?

I don't want to add bankruptcy to your mum's list of worries.

Oh, here he is, look, the old milk nut.

Oi, you, a word.

Yeah, the rent? Sorry, mate. I'll set up a direct debit today.

-PHONE RINGS

-Yeah, you do that, eh?

Penny?

Oh, I look like a hypothermia victim!

Then what? Cos we've tried everything, Ron.

What about that one I got you?

What, my Christmas present?

Yes, I'll get you another one.

All right, darling. Let me ask Ron.

And I'll speak to you later, yeah? All right, love.

Bye.

What's happened?

Penny. She can't make it this weekend,

-she's got a hospital appointment that's come up in Paris.

-Oh.

Rox.

-Jack.

-That's a shame, isn't it?

Yeah, Selina's been wanting her to see this consultant for ages, so...

I said I'd go and meet 'em for lunch in Covent Garden instead.

Why don't I come too?

Can pick up the wedding favours on the way.

What, drag the kids halfway through London?

Well, Roxy could look after them.

Yeah. No, I'd love to help.

Ah, you're OK.

Oh, come on, Jack.

It'd be really nice for Penny to see you both.

And, well, it seems like the perfect opportunity.

Oi, oi. I am still her mother, yeah?

We'd be really grateful, wouldn't we, Jack?

Yeah. Thanks.

Come on!

Look what I've got left over for tonight.

You're all right, ta.

And even if I was on the pull, I don't need props, thank you.

Donna...you'll have some.

What, so he doesn't need it, but I do?

No, I didn't mean it like that.

No, thanks. There's no talent on this market anyway.

Heard that. Thank you.

What about Shrimpy?

What about him?

-Oi!

-Sorry, sorry, I'm late for work!

I think that's a sign, don't you?

-Back again?

-Don't get paranoid, Ian.

His daughters live here and his brother's getting married tomorrow.

-He ain't invited apparently.

-How come?

Jack's got more sense than the rest of us?

Ian, maybe he was being straight the other night.

And maybe he got abducted by aliens and had a personality transplant.

-Ian!

-He's been texting Stacey at the crack of dawn.

She's inviting him to this do tonight.

I won't have no freeloaders, I've done an exact spend per head.

Morning.

Morning.

COIN CLATTERS

COIN CLATTERS

(Please, please!)

Come on, come on, work! Come on!

Is there a problem?

It won't take my money! Stupid thing's broken!

All right, all right, you need to calm down.

I'm late for work and your stupid machine's going to get me the sack!

What? Do you think I was going to...?

I weren't going to hit you.

OK. Give me your money. Give me the coin.

How much have you put in?

Two quid.

There you go, love.

We all have our bad days.

Thanks... Sorry.

It's my go, you've had yours!

My episodes are short. Yours last for ages!

Give it back!

Hey! Excuse me! No, no, no. Give it to me.

You've had enough TV. It's going off.

What are we supposed to do instead?

Well, I don't know.

It's not like you got a lump of coal for Christmas, is it?

I know what we can do, we can play hide-and-seek.

But you've got to count to 100.

OK, it'll be fun. Go on, then!

One, two, three, four...

40 minutes late. Do you think that's acceptable?

-Today of all days.

-I know, I know,

but the tubes were down and then there was traffic and...

You're boring me, Lee.

Got your review this afternoon. Unless you put some serious numbers

on that board today, you won't have to worry about the commute any more.

(Good luck.)

RINGING TONE

Good morning, madam. My name's Lee and I'm calling from ELGE.

I hope you had a lovely Christmas...

Oh, reckon I could get used to you waiting on me.

Finally, my vocation all along.

Wish I knew why he was back.

Maybe he just fancied reconnecting with family. Same as me.

Now there's a thought - you could go and chat to him.

-Sound him out.

-Me? I don't know him from Adam.

No, but that's a good thing, ain't it? He might slip up.

I've just been in the cafe!

Yeah, well, maybe I fancy a bacon roll.

Brown sauce.

Bacon roll, please.

It'll be about five minutes.

No worries.

-Hiya.

-Hi, darling. I'll catch you later.

All right.

Hello.

Oh. You all right?

Michelle.

-Erm, yeah. Max.

-Martin's sister.

Yeah, yeah, I gathered.

So, I hear we've got something in common.

Both wanderers returned. Funny being back.

Smells the same. Even my old house.

Must have gone through countless renovations,

but something in its bones smells the same.

Truth is, I'm a bit bored.

Everyone else has got work, chores, all that day-to-day stuff.

But when you're visiting you're sort of in limbo, don't you think?

Well, I dunno, I've got a job.

Must be nice seeing the old faces.

Stacey? I hear she's a good friend.

So what else do you hear?

Nothing much.

Can tell you fancy yourself rotten, but then I got that from "hello".

So, do you have any plans then, now you're back?

Erm, no. Not really. Stopped making plans when I went inside.

I'm a sort of a take-it-as-it-comes sort of a guy now.

And what about you?

What about me?

Well, you've obviously stayed long enough to get bored.

Something stopping you from going home?

No, not especially.

And come to think of it, how comes we ain't met before?

I've been round here about ten years.

A visit from you is like hen's teeth.

I've left it too long.

And I shouldn't have said that, about being bored. It's rubbish.

I love being here. My family.

That's all there is to it.

Teas are ready, Max.

Anyway, nice to meet you. I'll let you get on.

Yeah.

Cheers.

No. No, no, no, no, it's not a scam, it's completely legit.

If you just bear with me for one second, it won't take long,

I'll talk really fast, I promise...

LINE GOES DEAD

Boom!

Nice one, Oz. Dial it down though, yeah?

Sir.

Where are you going?

Just to get a coffee.

No breaks until you've made a sale.

Come on. Right now.

I'll try.

No try. Just do it.

LINE RINGS

He must have said something?

Here, Martin, look at this!

Heaven knows how I'm going to get it into the hospital!

Nice one, mate.

Does my hair look all right?

Only it wouldn't lie down flat this morning

and it is the day I'm going to get into the Walford Gazette.

You look great, Derek. Don't he, Martin?

Come on, let's show everybody else.

Did he mention Stace?

-Sorry, Martin, but I think you should leave him alone.

-Is this Max?

You want a scab to heal, you don't go picking.

It's all right for her to say, she's not in the firing line.

I'm not looking forward to telling Phil.

Why?

Oh, it's nothing.

No, come on, Sharon. I'm on your side.

'Andrew, my son, he deals with my gas and electricity bills.

'And he's got me one of those packages... Maybe it's with you?'

No, Mrs Kirby, it's not.

And that's why you're on our list, because we think that

we could provide you with a much cheaper deal.

'List? I'm on a list? Ain't that an invasion of privacy?'

No, no, no. It's not an invasion of privacy.

In fact, you could tell me to get lost

-right now if you wanted to.

-HIS BOSS CLEARS HIS THROAT

What I'm trying to say is, that I'm just

a normal bloke just trying to help you out.

In fact, I set my own nan up with ELGE because I want her to

have the very best and that's what we do.

'Really?

'I'd love to see the look on Andrew's face

'if I told him I'd found a better deal than him.

'He treats me like a very stupid child sometimes.

'I'm afraid being old isn't much fun.'

Oh, Mrs Kirby, don't say that. You sound like loads of fun.

'I've had my day!

'Now, erm, why don't you tell me what I need to do?'

Great. Do you have your card details at hand, by any chance?

'Well, just a minute...'

Amy? Ricky? Where are you?

It's the fourth game we've played, I'm not playing any more.

SHE SIGHS

GIGGLING

I gotcha!

Ricky! What the hell are you...?! Give me that!

-Ricky! Ricky!

-You're mean. I'm calling Daddy!

No, wait. Come here, come here.

Stop it, stop it, stop it.

Look, I'm sorry I scared you. OK? Listen, you scared me.

You know that's Ronnie's wedding dress.

I want to speak to Daddy and you can't stop me!

OK, no, no, no, let's just calm down, let's just calm down.

I tell you what, I've got an idea.

How would you like some of your stocking chocolate?

Yeah? Yeah? That's a good idea, isn't it?

Yeah. So, you give me that and you and Amy can go upstairs.

Didn't know you had it in you.

Weren't that hard.

Shame you've just gone and cost that little old lady her weekly pension.

Eh?

Well, she's in a contract, she'll have to pay to switch.

I mean, cost her more than what we're saving her.

Shock'll probably kill her. Congratulations.

Lee, a word in my office, please.

Hiya.

Sharon?

Hi, look, I'm sorry to bother you.

But I've come to a decision.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Max. Look, we can't keep hiding it from him.

Phil needs to know he's back.

I'll come with you.

So, your review...

Yeah, before we get into that, I just need to say something.

That lady, Mrs Kirby, we need to let her out of her contract.

What, and lose a customer?

She didn't know it was going to cost her.

I made her think she'd save money.

It's up to the customer to check their existing contract.

We can only give them the information that we have.

Nothing you told her was incorrect.

She trusted me. I think she liked me.

Lee, I asked you here to tell you that you have...

..passed your probationary review.

But if you keep talking, I can easily change my mind.

And when I say passed, I mean by the skin of your teeth.

And you can thank your lucky stars that your team-mates were fired

cos we can't afford to lose manpower.

However, let's think of 2017 as a fresh start for Lee Carter.

Hmm? Man up.

Feel the adrenaline pump through your veins, and who knows,

you might even be competing with Oz.

Thank you... Thank you very much.

STACEY AND MAX GIGGLE

You all right?

Tell Martin, go on - it's hilarious.

Nah, nah, nah, it's all right. I mean, she's nice, I like her.

Your sister's been flirting with him. She's a dark horse.

Michelle's married.

You been here all afternoon?

Well, it made sense, seeing as he's coming tonight.

Erm...yeah, I've got a couple of things to get on with.

So I'll see you there.

Thanks for the invite, Martin. Appreciate it.

Yeah.

See you later.

What is your problem?

DOOR OPENS

Roxy. Oi, Rox...

What?

Where're the kids?

What?

The small humans we left you in charge of. Where are they?

They're here, obviously.

Amy!

Did it go OK?

Yeah, went really well. We played hide-and-seek.

Messed around with Christmas presents.

We had a laugh, actually.

Ricky's just been sick.

What? Why didn't you tell me?

Mummy said we could eat all our Christmas chocolates and then

he went a funny colour.

I did not say "all".

You know what, you should've been keeping an eye on them.

But don't worry, I'll go and sort it out.

Come on, you.

Roxy.

Oi! You're supposed to be making it easier, not harder.

You're right. I'm a lost cause.

-DOOR OPENS

-Is that you, Abi?

-Oh!

-There's no microchip.

Oh, Ethel. Well, I don't suppose we can get rid of you.

We'll have to have you a while longer, won't we, eh?

He's going to get a complex if you keep calling him that.

There.

Heard you were back.

Charming(!)

Yeah, well, you know me.

What's the matter with you?

Your stuck-up brother, that's what.

Should be me going to that.

You know, I spent most of the year slaving on that flipping stall.

So what's stopping you?

Ain't invited.

Since when did you ever wait for an invitation? I'm going.

-How come?

-Martin and Stacey.

You should come with me. Never know, might be fun.

Yeah. All right.

Apparently instead of playing hide-and-seek,

they were messing about with my wedding dress.

Why would she let them do that?

They convinced her to count to 100 before she went to look for them.

She tried her best.

Yeah, well, hardly saying something, is it?

And to be honest, I'm looking forward to cutting those ties.

'You don't trust him?'

Why would I? He don't leave you alone, Stace.

I thought we spoke about this,

Martin, on our wedding day. You said that my past was part of

-who I am, and you wouldn't hold it against me.

-And I'm not.

You are!

It's not even about that!

So what is it about, then?

Ian and Jane are my family and I'm worried about them.

Why?

Max is the one who's been banged up for something he didn't do.

He's the one who can't sleep without having nightmares.

He's the one who's trying to rebuild his life from scratch!

Exactly. And if it were me, I'd be livid.

I wouldn't be able to walk around playing nice

in front of the people who let me go down.

Well, maybe he's bigger than you.

You know what, even if this whole forgiveness malarkey is for real,

you just don't know what could tip him over.

Tip him over? Meaning?

Doesn't matter.

No, it does matter, Martin. It does matter.

Talk to me.

Look, I have literally just found this out.

I'm not saying I agree with what's happened,

but it just makes it more important that we're on our guard.

What?

Phil Mitchell...

..paid a juror to find Max guilty.

And I'm telling you now, if he found that out,

he wouldn't be all Mr Peace And Love.

HE SNIFFS

Have you...? Have you been...?

I was in the toilet washing my face, all right?

Nah, I'm getting a picture of this.

Lee Carter, a little crybaby girl.

At least I've got a heart!

You think you've got a heart?

Yeah, yeah. I've got friends.

I've got family. I've got a wife.

Mate, mate, mate.

Do you think you'd have any of those things if you were upfront

about what a spineless rat you actually are?

You know, I said to the boys, I said, nah, he ain't gonna do it.

He ain't going to sell his family out. He's too nice.

I stuck up for you.

But oh, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, you let yourself down.

And no amount of slobbering into a hanky's going to change that.

Oh, yeah, and that wife of yours...

That lovely, soft peach of a wife.

One whiff of a real man, she'll be gone.

Anyway, I'm going to get the stairs. New Year's resolution, an' all.

Chin up.

HE YELLS

HE BREATHES HEAVILY