10/01/2017 EastEnders

Oi!

Oi, oi!

Oi!

All that waiting in and leaving Jane

and they've only gone and given me a Hanukkah banner.

How my supposed to wish Michelle bon voyage

with a Happy Hanukkah banner?

See my mother's still got that ugly twisted boat going on.

Why? What's wrong?

Swear my eyes are getting longer and shorter.

I mean, how does that happen?

How can you lose your sight in both directions?

Don't talk and run, you'll get a stitch again, yeah.

You know what? You watch, I need a pair of bins, son,

for reading, for writing, for driving my motor.

-Even for the custard.

-Varifocals.

Nah, I'm knackered already. I need a pint, I think.

Need new staff.

Yeah, well, I'm going to need to win the lottery for that.

I can't do alcohol in the week. Pearl's still up before 6am.

Little chaps, not good for sociable hours.

You know, the amount of mornings I've had with me,

Ollie and CBeebies.

-So that's about calories in one beer.

-Oi, that's my metabolism.

All I've had today is a banana and a smoothie

and I've still got bigger lils than the old woman.

-Lot of sugar in a smoothie, mate.

-I had a sticky bun as well.

I had a little bacon roll. Sausage. You know, an egg.

It was only a little one.

-Hiya.

-Hi.

Oh, lovely.

-Good job I've got some points saved.

-You don't need to be on a diet.

-I'm not on a diet.

-OK.

-I didn't know you were a baker.

-Oh, it's nothing.

-Get your fingers out!

-She bought it.

Could you go and tell Phil and Ben, 45 minutes, please?

-Can't you text them?

-Just do it.

Bossy cow.

He's tired. Bless him.

The amount of weddings and funerals we've had,

there must be something in there.

Stace, look out the back.

Welcome home?

-Not too early for a glass of wine, is it?

-No.

Relax.

We don't need Babe. We got this. It's just one little Italian night.

I know that.

You'll make yourself ill.

If I stop I will fall asleep standing up.

Since Mum left, I've been flat out 24/7.

I mean, my entire social life has hit the deck and died.

Oh, tell me about it. PHONE MESSAGE ALERT

And there's another gathering off my course I'm missing.

I have got exactly the same at the vets.

Tonight it's Jonah's birthday.

One with the girlfriend-not-good-enough, right?

Yeah. And there's this meal right,

and girlfriend-not-good-enough isn't going till later and everyone said

you could see that Jonah wanted me there.

The vets is like one big family, really.

We tell each other everything,

and this Christmas we bought the most massive tin of chocolates

and everyone knows what everyone else likes so we save them all.

I got like ten strawberry creams.

I mean, I like nut better,

but Baz also likes nut and she's the practice nurse so...

Oh, there'll be other times.

It's not like tonight would have been my special chance or anything,

cos there's always a party or a drink and I would totally be invited

to everything, but they all know I have two jobs.

Oh, I should have thought - Italian night.

Oh, it would have been perfect, wouldn't it?

-Jonah could have had his birthday meal here.

-Yeah.

Just cos you work hard doesn't mean you can't be a fun person, Johnny.

I'm sorry if I hit a raw nerve, Shirley.

It was only meant to be a joke.

Depends on the joker that got her up the duff.

Baby showers are really American, aren't they?

Maybe a set of rainbow-coloured muslin squares and a keepsake box

aren't the top of Denise's priorities.

No.

No, I can't say. She said don't say.

They've taken her in for another scan.

-No.

-Now?

-Today?

-Why?

-High blood pressure. Needs to be induced.

Possibility of...

Well, there's high risks, aren't there, being a geriatric mum?

Geriatric?! So insulting!

Inducing, that's when they put the...

Pessary thingy. Takes you from nothing into full-on contractions.

-I'd rather have a raspberry tea.

-Curry.

-Sex?

Oh, don't go there. I was nine days late with Shaki.

I was so scared of being induced,

I made Umar work his way through the entire Kama Sutra in a weekend.

Oh, how lovely. I bet he thought all his Christmases had come at once.

-He's a Muslim.

-Yes, I do know that, Shirley.

I had so much water retention

I was like one of those toy Weebles we had as kids.

Well, we just wobbled.

And he never fell down.

No, Sharon. School night. Oh, go on, then.

Well, it's like Honey said, you hit a certain age,

and everything's just a bit slacker.

-Baby just drops out.

-Speak for yourself!

Seriously, though, no wonder Denise was odd.

Hospital must have found a problem. and, I mean, at her age,

we all know that chances of...

-I'm not saying...

-No, I know.

Janet is one of the very, very, best things that happened in my life.

It would have shown up, though, Down's Syndrome, wouldn't it?

No, not necessarily.

I'd have loved a little girl.

As a sister for Denny, not instead of, obviously.

-Obviously.

-Or a little boy. Matching dungarees.

Was hard enough getting pregnant once

and now with all this going on with Phil.

Well, Sharon, statistically,

your biological clock's got to be pretty much near up.

I think you're right, Honey.

Some things are just not meant to be.

And some secrets are meant to be told. Who's the father, Carmel?

I don't know.

-You MUST know.

-I don't know.

Oh, look, I've found a leaving banner.

-Give her another glass of wine.

-Come on. Is it someone we know?

Of course it's someone we know!

I'm telling you, I really don't know.

Patrick.

How was the scan?

Why am I going to hang around after school just cos Hickey tells me to?

-Maybe cos he's our head of year.

-It's nothing.

-It's got to be something.

-Yeah.

He wants to shut his office door and tell me he fancies us, innit?

-Louise is going to be gutted.

-Nah.

I told you, I'm not chirpsing Louise. She's frigid.

It's not a stitch, it's an hamstring.

Not in your belly, mate.

Look, last thing you need to worry about is hair dye.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

-Look, you got to own this, Mick.

Right, look, my 40th,

last big bash before I met Kim.

Power boating down the Thames, ten of us. Major rush.

Caning it all night.

I even woke up at some girl's house in Surrey.

The rack on her made you look like a double A cup, mate.

-Legend.

-Yeah, well, you know.

Look, you got to do something other than visit your missus

over the weekend though, right?

Yeah, I just don't think a birthday bash is appropriate right now,

you know what I mean?

Jack would love it. A few of the guys.

Poor guy looks like he could do with a good night out.

Do you know what, Vincent, we'll have a few boozes, all right.

-I'll see you later.

-Yeah, see you.

Look, whatever you do for him, it's got to be on the small scale.

Right, so he does want something, then? Did he say that?

-Well, he's only 40 once, right?

-Wicked. Thank you.

-No worries.

See I told you. He DOES want something.

So, I don't know, let's do a buffet and I'll get the karaoke out, yeah?

Fine.

It's fine. I'm fine.

Fine - one of the most misleading words in the whole

of the English language.

-So what were they scanning her for then?

-Oi, Gobalot!

My ankles being swollen ain't turned me deaf.

You know, with Carmel, you put a muzzle on it,

she'd still spill, you know.

-Denise, she was just worried about you.

-Yes.

And it was a really good secret.

I've told you all the baby's healthy and well.

Yep, strong heartbeat.

When's that Michelle here then?

-It's nearly full term, so...

-Libs.

What?

It's a bit small.

The midwife was right.

Well, you're a little bit small.

-They're going to induce her.

-Oh.

It's got to come out at some point, ain't it?

Why don't you get the father to speed things up?

-Get him to pay you another visit.

-What?

-Oh.

-Classy.

Sorry, what's this obsession with my sex life all of a sudden?

Anyone would think you weren't getting any, Shirl.

Frankly, I'd rather have a cup of tea and a biscuit.

So any more questions? My favourite position?

My top ten lovers since 1997?

Do I look like I'm particularly gagging for it at the minute?

-So...

-Well, really.

Is that the time?

Michelle will be there any minute.

And it'll be better if you give her the present yourself.

We'll find you a nice quiet corner to sit in.

I can't.

We won't make you drink that lemoncello stuff.

No, but I can't Ian, you see, cos Ethel, you know, Ethel esquire, she's missing.

And I got to do my Christian duty.

"To him what is afflicted, pity should be shewed from his friend", Ian.

What?

Job.

That is chapter six, verse 14.

That's it.

You do not ruin Michelle's last night.

Oh, you're telling me, are you?

Oh, come on, rein it in, Shirley.

How can you possibly know that Buster is the father of her baby?

Look at her. Denise. She's hiding something.

Yeah. Heartburn, probably. Braxton Hicks.

You know how uncomfortable it is in the last few days.

Sharon. It's so clear. Buster leaves. She leaves a gap.

Then suddenly, there it is - mysteriously pregnant.

Just because Buster's done a runner.

You didn't even like him in the end.

He was having it off with somebody round here, behind my back.

He admitted it to Mick.

What?

And this isn't about 'like'. This is about him taking the rise.

I mean, realistically, who else could it be?

Does Babe know what's happening in her kitchen?

No, cos she ain't here.

Why?

Well, Ian's got some nibbles that need warming and I can't even make myself heard in there.

Quite intimidating, ain't they, when you get a lot of them together?

Surprise!

So yeah, me and Matt ended up staying at Luke's,

had about two hours' sleep before uni, it was not ideal!

I never knew you were so popular!

Mm! There's lots you don't know!

Johnny!

"Calm down", you said. "In the bag" you said.

A gathering, in the kitchen?

Did you ever even do your health and safety?

Word must have spread.

We are running seriously behind here.

All right, I'm on it. OK, I am, all right. Sorry.

Oh, give the man a break, will ya?

How hard can it be to knock up a plate of pasta?

You got to learn to chill out, love.

You know that this is Babe all over -

gets me to do all the leg work and then takes full credit.

And timing is at the heart of good cooking, 'love'.

Abs, Abs! Get off his back.

You know, I got to say, Abs, I think you would be a lot happier

if you stopped trying to control everything,

making everything in your life fit to some unwritten down timetable.

Right... You're right.

I'm, er, going to Jonah's Party.

No, no, you can't.

We write down a timetable so everyone knows where they're at, Ben.

No silly mistakes, no missing something vital,

like the fact you're gay...or whatever.

So, excuse me.

Here is the timetable - the pasta's already been on too long,

the salads ain't made and your pizza dough's gone soggy.

Good luck(!)

I think I've got a migraine.

Hey, hey. It's cool. It's all cool.

MUSIC STOPS

What is it?

Ah, it's a frog bag!

It's never a frog bag.

Auntie Pauline used to have one on the kitchen door!

Oh, bless her. Dot must've got a whole load from 1984.

Did she say she was going to come in later?

She can't make it. She's gone and got her torch out and she's gone off on one of her

Christian missions.

Your flight is actually tomorrow, ain't it?

I know you said "this week", but then what with you making so many calls, I didn't know if...

Ah. She's changed her mind!

Like I say - take the girl out the East End...

So glad you were well enough to come, Phil. Wise words!

It's like Peggy is right here and walking among us.

Honestly?

You're completely right.

I just didn't want to make a fuss.

Was going to slip away tomorrow morning.

Sorry to disappoint but the flight is booked and paid for.

Mark and Tim are both coming to pick me up from Pensacola airport.

Lucky old Timothy.

You had enough?

About a fortnight ago.

Phil!

What my brother ever saw in your best mate, I don't know.

Well, it's true what they say, ain't it?

Absence does make the heart grow fonder, eh, Billy?

Don't you believe it. Nothing'll have been ironed.

No-one will have thought to have unpacked the dishwasher or refill the ice dispenser.

Goodness(!)

I will spend the first five days I am back tidying up

cos the cleaners never do as thorough a job as you do yourself,

never mind the gardeners.

You've got a cleaner?

Is it a ride-on mower? We had a friend had a ride-on mower.

And a hot tub.

No, no...

We've just...

put a lot of time into our house over the years, that's all.

I had a hot tub.

It was a bit of a squeeze when the back gate and the back door was open...

But there's more room in America, ain't there? Everyone's got a big house.

Yeah. And a gun. And a ranch...

Just like everyone in London's met the Queen.

I'll tell you what, though, your mum would crucify you for having a cleaner.

Least of my faults.

Why? What you done?

Stayed away too long.

Don't you go leaving it another 20 years till you come back, though.

No, the life you've made, Mum would be proud of you.

We all are. I'll get some drinks, shall I?

Move on.

Girls like her don't stay at our sixth form, anyhow.

September, she will be messing about at art college, wherever...

What have I told you?

No hanging about in the pub.

All right, Mum, OK, I'm not four. No need to make a big deal.

Yes, Mrs Kazemi. Sorry, Mrs Kazemi.

Come on, Community Centre might be open...

Oh. Charmer.

You want to take a leaf.

OK.

Lemonade and a lasagne, then it's revision.

You can't start too early.

My mum's right there!

..going straight through there, there's an alleyway through there.

What was he thinking?

This never would have happened if Linda was here.

Trying too hard.

It's just excuses, though, Mum.

It's like, when are my sons going to learn to man-up and step-up?

What?

Just talking about this, you know,

I-tie night we're meant to be having, you know, Johnny,

giving it all the "live like a native" spiel.

I'll have to go and get Babe, won't I?

Well, if you want to spend your time looking after Sylvie...

Tina ain't been nowhere since before Christmas.

She's gone to try this taekwondo.

And Babe's going to charge you double.

You keep jumping in to cover for them,

your boys ain't going to learn any responsibility about anything.

Yeah, well, we ain't all like Buster, are we?

Johnny has promised us Italian food.

Let's wait and see what he's got, eh?

Yeah...

MICROWAVE PINGS

There...

It's fine, they'll love it.

Champagne, please, Trace.

OK. I'll text you my mobile number.

If we can't have champagne on your last night, when can we?

-No, no, no, let me get it.

-Don't be silly, it's fine.

Three bottles. To start with.

Please.

You sure you don't want me to call Dot?

No.

But I'm worried about her, Chelle. Serious, massive concerns.

No, you are not.

No. But can't you stay another few days?

What? After this send-off? And presents.

Please.

And your husband don't like me.

Well, my husband doesn't like anyone who's not a Mitchell.

He don't like the Mitchells half the time - what's left of them.

And since when have we let a little thing like

a man get in the way of friendship, huh?

You don't need me, Sharon.

I don't need cake but it makes life nicer, don't it?

When did we get so grown-up?

We done all right, ain't we?

We're survivors, Sharon.

Oh, yeah(!)

BOTH CHUCKLE

Are you having a laugh?

What is this?

Don't know if I'm supposed to eat it or wash up with it.

You get a bit twice the size on the high street.

Yeah, and half the price.

Lee, come here.

Dear, oh, dear. What a disaster.

Poor Babe will have heart failure.

If I wanted to eat microwave muck,

I'd have stayed at home and made Billy cook.

Yeah. What?

LAUGHTER

It's fine.

I can still manage to go to the toilet on my own.

Right, let's be straight...

it's a joke, innit, so I've got something special planned for

you mob, don't you worry about that...

ALL CHUCKLE

ALL CHATTER

Ethel?

Ethel esquire?

Have you found your own way back?

Oh, dear.

Ethel...?

Ethel esquire?

DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE

CHEERING

To old friends!

And new ones.

Where is Michelle?

Denise...

You had an affair.

What?

With Buster.

I actually just need to take a wee, so...

The father of your baby.

Whoa. What?

Did you think I wouldn't work it out?

I know, Denise.

All those meetings about CostMart, that was just a cover-up, wasn't it?

And then I wa...

I was telling you all about him, telling you what I thought,

when all the time you two were having sex!

Shirley...

I've got a bladder the size of a walnut.

So, if you want me to piddle all over this floor,

you just carry on blocking that door.

DENISE SIGHS

Have a bit of thought, will you. Run a tap or something.

I do know that I wasn't very nice to him...

Tell you that, did he? Pillow talk?

Tell you that I was a hard-faced cow?

Yeah, well, maybe I am. But...

He didn't deserve "nice".

He was selfish.

Selfish man that was only happy when he was centre of attention.

And now he's done a bunk, but you'd know all about that, wouldn't you?

Selfish.

Hev... She sussed him years ago.

And you know what Hev was like, when...

Oh, please.

You know that Heather weren't the only mate you've ever had, you know.

I did not sleep with Buster!

I wouldn't.

Anyway, you can think what you want, cos, you know what?

I've got enough stuff on my mind.

And it actually ain't any of your business.

Like what?

What's the secret...? Cos I know there is one.

If you're not covering for Buster, then...

..who is the father?

It was just a one-night stand.

SHIRLEY SCOFFS

You know what, you're really not that interesting.

But don't come to me when you need a baby-sitter.

Yeah?

Or you want to have a coffee and a chat and a laugh, because you're

fed up being up to your eyeballs in breast pads and dirty nappies!

That's another thing Hev always said,

when you have a true mate, you cut the bull!

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

I'm not going to need any of that!

Why not?

DENISE SOBS

You don't have to cry about it.

No.

No, I don't.

It's just...hormones.

You got to promise me...

Promise me you don't say anything.

Swear it, Shirley, because...I'm trusting you.

I swear.

It's Phil's.

It's Phil Mitchell's son.

You're carrying his boy?

But, when?

I mean he's been at death's door, I mean, what the hell?

God, he's a tart...!

Do you want to talk to me about this?

Yes. Yes.

Yeah, but I can't. I can't.

Not now...

Shirley, I know that you and Phil - you've got history.

But...

You've got to keep it buttoned, you cannot tell anyone.

You swore. You can't say anything. Not yet.

The grief....

Well, you get it now.

This is seriously complicated, Shirley.

Can you imagine how Phil...

You just... You gotta let me just get through this next bit...

the way that I want to.

Please.

DISTANT LAUGHTER