31/01/2017 EastEnders

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PHONE RINGS

SHE SNORTS

I don't know!

A bridge, they can fix in the blink of an eye.

But a parcel that I ordered well before Christmas

has only just turned up at the post office today!

Please pass on our thanks to the rest of the lads, won't you?

Yeah, all right.

I know I can't expect the treatment I had on Monday every night,

but maybe we could make it a regular thing.

Once a month or something?

What, you want to put a takeaway

and a couple of glasses of pop in the diary?

Well, you seemed like you were having fun to me.

THEY LAUGH

Oh, wow. Vom.

Keep your comments to yourself, if you don't mind.

-All right?

-Morning.

I'd better get to work.

Don't you think this is just a bit...immature?

I did have an idea how to earn a few more brownie points.

I gave that nail bar place that you like a call.

-They're expecting you at half nine.

-Mm.

Louise, call the police.

Someone's kidnapped your dad and replaced him with a clone.

What did I do to deserve you two this morning?

Aspirin?

Top cupboard.

Brilliant(!)

Make sure you get the full works, yeah?

I left my credit card details with the receptionist.

Well, I'm impressed.

That lot might be as grumpy as normal,

but maybe some things do change.

Thank you.

All right.

Listen, thanks for coming, darling.

I know I wasn't exactly filled with gratitude at first,

but, you know, it's meant a lot to me, you being here.

I'm sorry I didn't get anywhere with Auntie Kim.

I hate leaving when things are like this.

You girls, you're as stubborn as each other.

Kim would have wanted to come last night.

You need to meet her halfway.

Do you mind?

I can't think about Kim right now.

Look, if you need anything,

right, just pick up the phone, and I'll be on the next train back.

I love you, Mum.

I love you too, darling.

This is getting stupid!

If you didn't want me to move in with you,

then why didn't you just say,

instead of letting me get my hopes up?

Right, if it was up to me, I'd be out of there in a flash!

It's just not the right time.

Well, it don't matter, anyway.

Cos at this rate, I won't even be able to afford a poxy studio flat.

Listen, I've got some overtime going at the Arches,

if you're interested?

Yeah...thanks.

I just thought it'd be a laugh. You know, you and me.

Something good happening for a change.

Maybe one day, eh?

Where was you yesterday?

I hung around for like an hour after the exam, waiting for you.

Something came up.

What's that supposed to mean? I thought you wanted to talk?

Just back off!

Oh, that's him told!

Oh, lovely, thanks.

Oh, Stace?

Yeah?

You're going to think I'm mad,

but I've got another Christmas present for Arthur to drop off.

-Another one?!

-Yeah.

Our house is like Santa's workshop as it is!

I know, I know!

I ordered it months ago, and it must have got lost in the post.

Anyway, it's a baby carrier,

and I'm wondering if he's too big for it now.

How much does he weigh?

Oh, I dunno, I haven't taken him to the clinic in months.

I've gotta go. I'll see you later, anyway.

Come on, Lil.

Oh, did Libby get off OK?

Yeah, yeah.

You'd think I'd get used to her coming and going by now.

Anyway, don't worry about me.

I'm just going to get my head down for this shift,

maybe catch up on a little bit of reading.

What?

-I've had that Mr Beckett on the phone.

-Oh.

Well, I had to call him to get some more rat poison.

Oh, don't tell me you've seen another one, have you?

-Two of them.

-Oh.

-And do you know what he reckons?

He reckons it's down to our "poor cleanliness".

Right, never mind that there's bin bags piling up out there

-in the middle of winter!

-I know.

And the best bit, he wants us to do a clean,

"top to bottom" of the shop.

And he's going to pop over later and inspect our work.

Inspect?! Who does he think he is, the jumped up little...?

I know, I know. He's a nightmare.

He kept saying things like, "Formal evaluation,

"having to make changes".

To be honest, Denise, I really don't think he's worth fighting.

Yeah. Especially how he's got it in for me, eh?

Anyway, it's not the day I was hoping for,

but at least we've got each other, though.

Actually, um...

I have a meeting with Janet's teachers this morning.

-I did book the hours off ages ago.

-Yeah.

I mean, if it had been anything else, you know, I would stay, but...

-Of course.

-Sorry.

Here. Good luck!

Hi.

You found some, then?

Yeah. Minute Mart.

What do you think?

Oh, nice!

Well, not like Phil to be thoughtful, but I must admit,

being pampered was just what the doctor ordered.

What happened, then?

One too many at the Vic?

Something like that.

Phil! Phil, I'm back!

He went out about an hour ago. Didn't he say?

No.

They just about cleared us out on Monday.

We'll take twice as much tonight, mark my words!

Mum.

Mum, Tina told you to stay upstairs while she's at work.

She's all right, she's all right.

Tina keeps going on about this routine she wants her to do.

I'm hungry. The cupboard's bare.

Babe.

Help her get something from the buffet, please.

Come on.

You need to tell her no again, Mick.

It's one thing bringing back memories,

it's another thing putting her on the stage

in front of a pub full of people!

Stan says she was born to be on the stage.

And you'd never know to look at her now, would you?

You've no idea?

Oh. Don't worry, Billy, he's here.

Sorry to bother you.

Where the hell have you been?

I'm allowed to walk out the house when I want to.

What you doing ringing people round like I'm some sort of lost kid?

So I panicked.

But you're recovering, I got worried when you were gone so long.

HE SIGHS

I...

I took Sam's flowers to Ronnie and Roxy's grave, and then...

Well, before that, I went to see Tony's wife.

After the fuss she kicked up last time she was here?!

You don't need the stress, Phil.

It won't do any harm to check her and her kid are all right.

Yeah, well, that's kind of you.

But don't forget she threatened to call the Old Bill on you.

We don't need that sort of hassle.

Well, we don't need to worry. She weren't in.

I left a note, but I won't hold my breath.

-DOOR CLOSES

-All right.

I found her on the doorstep when I was heading out.

Oh, Mum, you don't have to do that.

This is my job, it's not yours.

I'm not staying, I'm just lending a hand while I'm here.

Your face when Libby left this morning.

You'd have thought it was the first time your baby had left home.

Well, it sort of felt like it, you know?

I know it's daft.

It's just she's been such a support to me while she's been here.

Well, you've still got support. You've got me!

I'm worth ten ordinary ladies, don't forget.

Yeah.

Yeah, you've been a real boost.

Till you go back to Montserrat.

Well, lucky I'm not the only family you've got close by, then.

Oh, don't tell me you've set this up?

Don't be so paranoid.

Vincent is having one of his spring cleans, and he found the baked beans

that were accidentally moulded to the roof of the microwave.

Hence...

Trust me, if I had a choice,

I would've come in when you weren't here.

Kim!

That's not nice.

Looks like you're having a good day, Dee.

Glad to see that this "new life" of yours was worth all the sacrifices.

Antoinette was just telling me about Aaron.

He's back at school.

Struggling a bit, but he'll get there.

Well, tell him to hang on in there.

I know how hard it is.

I was glad when I saw Phil's note.

I owe you both an apology.

Don't be daft.

I should leave you to it.

No, there's no need.

You were only trying to help Aaron by giving him that cash.

I shouldn't have come in all guns blazing like I did.

Don't be daft.

I don't care about what happened before, you know,

I just want to know the pair of you are all right, that's all.

Tony's gone.

Nothing's "all right".

But I still have my son.

I have to focus on being mum and dad for him, now.

-And that's what's going to get you through all this, trust me.

-Yeah.

Oh, Phil, I forgot. Jack said he's going to pop over.

So?

So, he's been through a lot, and he's family.

I think he deserves our time, don't you?

It's fine. I have to be getting back anyway.

-Bye, Antoinette.

-Bye.

Sharon.

Just chuck her out, why don't you?!

There we go.

Hello?

-Come in!

-Oh.

You don't mind if I join you to eat my lunch, do you?

I fancy some company,

and Denise is up to her ears in soap suds.

Yeah, course not!

I'll make you a tea.

Arthur, look, who's that?

Oh!

Isn't he a little smasher?

I know I'm biased, but...

He is gorgeous, ain't he?

Yeah, they're going to be the gruesome twosome,

when they're bigger.

Walford Primary won't know what's hit it.

It must be hard for Lauren, juggling work and a little kiddie.

I bet you get stuck helping out.

You know, taking him to be weighed and that sort of thing.

That's weirdly specific.

No, it isn't.

When mine were little, I had 'em down the clinic every month

till they were over two.

And now you know that I don't do that with Arthur,

you've got a problem with it?

Well, don't go getting all defensive.

We're just making small talk.

No, you were, Jane. She's got something else on her mind.

Well, he is my grandson.

I'm allowed to be worried, aren't I?

Well, worry about things that need worrying about!

Arthur is eating, he's growing out of his clothes.

I don't need to traipse down the clinic every week

to know that he's healthy.

Even still...

I think it's just me and you having that tea, Jane.

The more people kids have looking out for them the better, that's all.

See you.

Well, you're here, and you appear to be working.

That's a start.

Don't look at me like that.

She turned up on our doorstep and I was civil.

What else do you expect?

She's just lost her husband, and civil's the best you can do?

I'm not backing down on what I said.

I'm here for you, Sharon,

that don't mean I can't be there for them too.

Except they're not your responsibility!

You know, there'll come a point when you're not there,

and she'll need to stand on her own two feet.

And you're doing her no favours by pretending otherwise.

Why are you so against her, eh?

At least you've still got your husband, haven't you?

Do you think I don't know how easily it could have gone the other way?

I'm glad Tony's dead!

I'm glad he's dead, because it means that I still have you,

is that what you want to hear?

Were you even listening to me yesterday?

It's going to take more than one curry to fix this family, Phil.

Sharon's in bits, your son wants to move out...

You need to make some changes, before it's too late.

You do know that we've been having problems with the bins round here?

And that would be my problem because...?

No, no, I'm just saying,

there might be other reasons for the rats.

You could give us the benefit of the doubt.

No.

No, of course not. Because to do that,

you'd have to have respect for your staff, wouldn't you?

Even admit that we might be good at our jobs?

If you don't mind me saying, this attitude really isn't helping.

There is not a speck of dirt in here, and you know it.

This place was spotless even before I started scrubbing the place

from top to bottom this morning!

I only have your word for that, though, don't I?

Yes, well, my word should be good enough.

Because I'm on the front line, aren't I?

Me and Honey and Helen.

You lot would be nothing without us lot.

I don't want rats in here any more than you do,

and if that means getting on my hands and knees and scrubbing,

then so be it.

But the least you can do is admit that I've done a good job!

And a thank-you wouldn't go amiss, either.

You appear to have done an adequate job.

Thank you.

So have you come up with a plan, then, or what?

A plan?

If you don't get revenge on Shaki,

they'll know you're an easy target.

-Bex hasn't got into your head, now, has she?

-No, course not.

But maybe Shaki isn't that bad.

I mean, Bex said that she saw you two laughing at that video

of me freaking out on the bus, as well, so...

Babe, we're on your side!

Don't go turning on your mates, on top of everything.

You're right, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.

Shakil needs telling.

He thinks he's such a big man since the bus crash.

Makes me sick.

Yeah, well, I bet he's not such a "big man"

in that photo he sent Bex.

What photo?

CHATTER

Panit!

Can I treat you and your family to some Chinese beer, you know,

as a thank-you?

You haven't got any Pilsner, have you? I can't drink that stuff.

Rein it in, you.

What you doing, trying to rinse me for the pricey stuff?

Did I mention I do a mean coq au vin?

And my borscht, mate...

Ah, so you're on the hunt for a bit of graft, are you?

I'll keep you on speed dial.

If this supper club works out, you're going to be a very busy man!

Cheers.

Sweet as. Love to the family.

You're looking...

dapper.

Yeah, amazing what you can dig up in charity shops, eh?

Yeah...

You all right?

-Hey.

-Sylvie's getting a bit restless up there,

so I said we'd bring her down during the break.

OK, but I'll go and check on her in a minute.

Did you keep mentioning the routine to her, like I asked?

I don't think it made much difference, though.

You're probably going to have to walk her through it.

Yeah, OK.

Can I have a bottle of wine and three glasses, please?

Oh, and a little bit of fairy dust, for the quiz.

Ah, so you're "Team Caff", yeah?

Listen, we have been testing each other on trivia all week.

We're the ones to beat.

If you want egg and chips twice, this lot'll sort you out.

But, let's face it, they're no winners.

Steven!

Well, as long as we beat you, I don't care where we come.

THUNDER CRACKS

ALL: Oh!

Well, I see he's already making friends and influencing people.

He really is his father's son, sometimes.

We have to do well tonight, cos Martin'll kill me

if I've made him stay home with the kids

and we don't come home with a prize.

Well, in quiz situations,

Ian usually wins or bores everyone else half to death so they forfeit.

Maybe Steven has learnt from the master.

THEY LAUGH

My mum and dad used to do a pub quiz, when we were little.

Yeah. They never missed a week.

Tanya drag him there, did she?

No, I think it was her idea of, like,

a wholesome activity they could do together.

She got barred, anyway, because she got really drunk

and she was just shouting out all the answers.

Oh, remind me, I owe your mum a phone call.

Yeah, me, too.

You know, we've been doing them...

-You know the video chats, the video calls?

-Yeah.

So she can see Louie, but it's just not the same, is it?

I think it's getting to her, you know,

-that she's never really properly met him.

-Aww.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Well, I bet some days,

you wish you could only see Arthur's gran via video.

You sure you remember how to do this?

Give me that.

Don't worry, I'm not on the payroll.

Just putting a few hours overtime in.

It's all right, it's not my call any more, is it?

I hear you're moving out.

Is that true?

Carmel.

Peace offering?

Why, what's gone on?

Tell me you haven't been sticking your nose in where it don't belong?

Guilty as charged.

-Can I sit there?

-Go on.

-Thanks.

It's your round, anyway, mate.

You're not going to chuck that over me, are you?

No!

No, look, you just need to understand that, with Kat gone

and my mum living in Brighton,

I'm just used to doing this whole parenting thing just me and Martin.

That's why I wanted to help.

I didn't ever see myself as an interfering grandma.

Oh, you're not.

But you would rather I kept my beak out a bit more?

Well, look, Arthur needs his nan,

and if it means me and you falling out every now and again

about how often he's weighed,

or how many of his five a day he's had...

Five, I hope.

I'm a menace! I'm sorry.

I'll tell you what, let's make a deal.

I'll take everything with a pinch of salt,

and you count to ten before you start dishing out advice?

Deal.

-Question five, was it A or B? Quickly!

-Seriously, stop!

Come on, it's only half-time.

You've got time to make up the ground later. Give it here.

Can you do me a favour, please,

and just ban him from any quiz nights, like, ever,

please?

There you go. Er, you do know that

Steven's been looking at his phone the whole time?

Kathy!

What? I'm his gran.

I've got to keep him on the straight and narrow, ain't I?

Yeah, well, judging by his answers,

-it doesn't seem to have done him much good.

-Ha-ha!

-Johnny.

-Yeah?

-Where's Mick?

Changing the barrel. Lager's off. Why?

Ladies and gentlemen,

please charge your glasses

and prepare for a reminder of Old Soho,

with the one and only Sylvie Carter!

Woo!

Get Dad, get Dad.

# My lame is Suzie Wong

# Please listen to my tong

# I wuv you all! #

That's a bit near the knuckle, ain't it?

SHE KEEPS SINGING

Tina! Get her off! Get her off!

SHOUTING

I'm so sorry!

THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

DOOR CLOSES

Right.

-Oh, thank you.

-Hey, what's all this?

This is me in a good mood!

I thought we deserve a treat, you know?

There's even a pickled onion in there for you.

Thanks.

And I thought about what you said, earlier.

Now, I might spend my time scrubbing shelves in the Minute Mart,

but you just watch this space, all right?

As for Kim, she's the one with the problem, not me.

And there's no way I'm going grovelling to her.

MICK: I know that was a bit, um...

I don't know what that was. I don't know.

But let's not let it ruin the night, though, eh?

Come on, Mick. What are you doing, letting her walk round like that?

You can't get away with that in this day and age.

I'm so sorry if I've caused any offence to anyone.

What are you going to do for the French night?

You and Shirley in stripy tops with onions round your neck?

No!

Half the teams have gone home.

I reckon we say the scores at half-time stand,

and call it a night.

It's a 'mare.

I've hurt my ankle!

I don't think it's broken.

I'm really sorry, Mick, I was just thinking of Mum.

Yeah, and no-one else.

Just... I told you it was a bad idea, so just...

Next time, just listen to me, please!

You're not angry with me?

I'm not happy.

Just take her upstairs, and just see that she's OK, yeah?

Swedish night next.

Hard to offend people with ABBA and meatballs, right?

Yeah, yeah.

What could possibly go wrong with ABBA and meatballs?

Look, it was my idea.

I asked Ben to move in.

If you want to get on someone's back, get on mine.

Cos I can't speak for myself?

I want to move out, Dad.

And it's nothing to do with you and Sharon.

I thought I'd be well away by now.

I thought me and Paul would be managing Coker's,

but instead, here I am.

Yeah, well, sorry for giving you a job

and putting a roof over your head.

That's the point.

I want to do something for myself.

You know, stand on my own two feet.

Plus there's the Jay thing.

How am I going to cope with him way out in zone six?

Good answer.

You've been spending the last ten minutes trying to persuade me,

but I think it's a great idea.

Really?

I ever tell you about the time me and Grant got our own gaff?

Yeah, Mum was livid.

But, yeah, we got this one-bedroom studio gaff just off the Roman Road.

HE CHUCKLES

Best time of my life, that was.

Just me and my brother,

no ties, and no responsibilities.

You deserve it.

The pair of you do.

What about you and Sharon?

I don't think the four of us would fit in one place, do you?

Well, she seems to think you still need me around.

Well, you ain't planning on running out of here any time soon, are you?

No.

Then we will still see you from time to time, won't we?

Course, Dad, but...

Then what's the problem?

You making your own way in the world.

Me and Sharon have got our own lives to lead.

Could be the best thing all round, couldn't it?

Looks like we're getting our own flat, bruv!

Looks like it!

THEY LAUGH

Lady Di! You know better than that!

It's not the dog.

It's the roof.

I noticed it earlier, I didn't realise how bad it had got.

The roof?

Won't that cost a fortune?

Yeah, but I... Yeah, I know a geezer who knows a geezer.

It'll be sweet.

Just go downstairs, go and help Babe clear up.

Oh, we've got a leak.

Just to add to the fun.

PHONE RINGS

Mick, it's Linda.

Pick up.

And tell her that she needs to get some proper care for Elaine.

We need her here!

Not in a million years.

Mick, please!

I told her I was going to keep the home fires burning,

and that's exactly what I'm going to do.

Don't matter how bad things get.

I'm not going to let her down.

Course, we'll have to talk colour schemes.

Shop for throw pillows, you know, that sort of thing.

Oh, yeah, you had me going, there!

Yeah, cos a bit of you thinks that all gay blokes

want to paint the whole world pink.

No.

It's just, the idea of you being house-proud blows my mind.

I mean, Sharon's lucky if you clean the bog

once every six months, at home.

And that will be changing, by the way.

Cos I'm going to introduce you to a cleaning rota if it kills me.

Cleaning? With these hands?

HE SNORTS

We'll be all right, though, won't we, bruv?

You know, just the two of us?

Well, we got this far, didn't we?

I can't see figuring out whose turn it is to get the bog roll

is going to break us up, can you?

Ha! Yeah.

Do you have any idea how amazing this is going to be?

Yeah.

Our own space.

No-one bothering us.

Just...

like a proper home.

Yeah.

PHONE BEEPS

Oh, let me guess.

The care assistant?

Looks like she's up for a date.

Lucky I'll soon have somewhere to wine and dine her, isn't it, eh?

Ooh.

I was beginning to think you were avoiding me.

I just had to, er...

talk through a couple of things with the boys, that's all.

We can't go on like this, Sharon.

Keep saying we want a fresh start without making changes.

You know, big ones.

It's that easy, is it?

What are you thinking?

Don't worry.

It's going to be all right.