21/03/2017 Part One EastEnders

Wakey-wakey, birthday boy. Woo, Ben!

Hello!

What's that?

It's a sexy fireman, innit?

The bird in the shop said she preferred a sexy copper, but I said

there's nothing sexy about coppers where we're from, know what I mean?

Plus strippers, they cost a fortune.

Right, I've been thinking. And we are having a house party tonight.

House party? What do you mean, house party?

Well...

..it's like a party.

In a house. This house, for you, tonight.

No.

No, I agreed to the Vic.

Well, Abi said there's a quiz in the Vic.

Which means it's no place for your 21st. That is where fun goes to die.

Then we'll go to The Albert.

Jay, I am not having a party in this house. It's agg.

Well, it's too late now. I've sent the text out.

Who did you text?

The usual.

And I'll cover for you at work so you can sort out all your family stuff.

-Tom's going to give me a hand.

-Tom? Jay, the bloke's a nightmare.

Yeah, but he's good with cars.

Yeah, nicking, not fixing.

Listen, you just leave Tom to me and you get your beauty sleep.

Right? Because he is the closest you've seen

to a bit of action since we've moved in.

There you go. Come on, liven up.

You sure? Jay only did text me last night.

-I could do with a drink.

-Go. You deserve a night out.

It's a quiz. We'll deal with it.

Anyway, I can do all the questions.

And then you can work today and relax later, can't you?

I like quizzes.

So, we've had Lady Di-arrhoea.

What do you think it's going to be this week?

What do you think it's going to be, a power cut, a fire,

you know, maybe a flood?

No, we'll be fine. We'll have fun.

Tea's just a little bit hot.

WHITNEY LAUGHS

You're doing a pub quiz?

Didn't you end up with the wooden spoon last time?

No, no, no.

You see, now, that was a team issue, you see.

There's no "I" in team but there's an "I" in Ian

and I ended up carrying him.

And Fatboy was a captain with no plan.

But me, on the other hand, I have a plan.

You have a plan?

-Yes, I do.

-OK.

-Specialist subjects.

So Vincent, he handles the sports, you handle the book stuff,

and I handle the boybands and current affairs.

Current affairs? You're...?

-Yeah.

-OK.

-Fashion, Kardashian. My finger is never off the pulse,

believe me.

Well, that is brilliant. But I'm sorry, I'm busy right now.

Busy doing what? You ain't got a job.

I am busy finding a career. I'm busy with assignments.

I ain't got time to get shown up in some pub quiz.

When have I ever shown you up?

Well, Patrick is going to come over to mine to look after Pearl,

so you'll be by yourself.

Come on, let your hair down. Look, we can be Eggheads...

but we can be sexy Eggheads.

Another time, OK?

Fine, suit yourself.

-But if you get bored you know where we are.

-Uh-huh.

Beep, beep, beep!

They're lovely. Thank you.

We didn't know what to get you.

They cost a fortune, they did.

And it was our pleasure.

So... Got anything planned?

Yeah, we're just going to have some mates over.

Oh, right? A party tonight? What time?

A party for mates, Ian. He doesn't want us around, does he?

-He's celebrating his youth.

-Youth? He's 21.

I wasn't going to parties when I was 21.

-You weren't invited.

-I was married, I had Steven.

I mean, he's lucky he's only got himself to worry about.

You heard from your dad?

Not yet.

Oh, right. I thought he might've popped home seeing as

it's your 21st, and it would've been Peggy's birthday.

You should be with your loved ones on special occasions.

Yeah, well, there's a few people I'll be missing today.

-Why don't you just stick the kettle on, Ian?

-Yeah.

Bex.

It's your bag. Look.

Come on.

Ooh, you look rough.

Jack was busy this morning so I done the school run.

Daddy Day Care's no joke, is it?

See you later.

That was a bit off-ish. You two fell out?

No. Not yet.

Max, you should really give him the benefit of the doubt.

-Lauren loves him.

-It's not easy to forget his past, is it?

Especially when he's going out with your daughter.

Well, you know what they say. It's better to build your bridges than burn 'em down.

Especially if you want to keep your eye on someone.

Don't worry about it. They'll soon move on to someone else.

That's what they did with me and Jay...eventually.

-I'm sorry. I should've been there.

-Look, it's old news. Don't worry about it.

They're just jealous. You pulled Shaki and some fit American.

-I

-am jealous.

I hear there's a party around your way tonight.

Is it that Ben, Jay's mate? They're all going. We should go.

-I'll back you up.

-I dunno.

Your American might be there,

and the last thing you want is them lot all over him.

Why let 'em win?

-Yeah. Yeah, why not?

-Yeah?

All right, cool. Come round to mine and we'll get ready together.

What about Jay?

What about Jay?

-Who?

-I thought you said you knew about football.

P Scho-les made his league debut in what year -

'92, '93 or '94?

Babe, you can slow it down all you want, that's still not a person.

It's a footballer, Vincent.

If you don't know who it is, that's fine,

but there's no time for dithering in a quiz situation, all right?

Can I see that? Thank you.

Yeah, it's P dot Scholes.

Paul Scholes. England international.

Never heard of him.

Look, look, look. I have an idea.

Why don't we have a nice meal instead?

Vincent, the last time we had date night we stayed in with a Chinese

and you snored all the way through Die Hard.

-Last Boy Scout.

-Whichever. Now that was your turn,

and this is my turn, and I'm choosing a quiz.

So are you going to support your captain or not?

-Yay.

-Thank you.

Denise is "busy" apparently, so we need some recruits, yeah?

Do a ring round. Five GCSEs minimum, thank you very much.

-Kim, Kim, I'm busy, Kim.

-Thank you.

-Kim, I'm so busy...

There's a quiz on over at The Vic if you fancy it later on.

Hello?

Sorry, what?

-Am I that boring?

-No.

No, sorry, it's...work e-mail.

The server's gone down.

It's always going down.

All right. Well, I guess I'll see you later on then?

Yeah. Sorry.

Yeah, no worries. All right. See you later. Ta.

The market's busy! Just ran into some bird in a wheelchair.

She went mad.

Oh, Tom, what you done now?

I've done nothing. £10 from Stepney?

That minicab mug can chase me. That's £8 tops.

Where've you been? You said you'd come and help me this morning.

I know, I know. I just got held up.

Here, peace offering. Look at this.

What is it?

Speakers. Top of the range. For the party.

-Where from?

-From a shop.

I can't have nicked stuff in the house, Tom.

It's from a bloke at the pub. Who are we to judge?

Got this jacket as well. Check it out. It's quite nice, ain't it?

Cor. Feel like I've hurt my leg, I've definitely popped my calf.

I mean, he didn't look it, but that cabbie was absolutely rapid.

Have you spoken to anyone?

Cos at this rate we couldn't fill a phone box.

I've put the word out. It'll be rammo-jammo.

And you'll take it easy, won't you? Ben ain't your biggest fan.

What? Why? I've only met him once.

Yeah. Only needs once. I'm warning you, behave yourself.

Cross my heart and all that. When are we cracking the beers?

-Let's go, come on.

-Leave 'em.

What, are you drinking beer on the street, Jay?

-What, are you 12?

-Out.

Yeah, course I will. You too, L.

Bye, baby.

See that boy of mine, he needs to start eating a few burgers.

You could strike a match off him. Look at me.

The questions are done.

And I added an interactive round, I found it online.

All I've got to do now is put the rest of the posters up and we're ready to go.

-I was coming down to help you, an' all.

-No, it's all sorted.

Tell you what, why don't I be quiz master?

-Jacket'll look better on me anyway, won't it?

-Yeah.

-That'd be lovely.

-All right.

-I'll put the rest of the posters up.

-Cheers, babe. Sweet.

It's a St Christopher. It was Pete and Pauline's dad's.

Brought him home safely from the war. Now it's yours.

To keep YOU safe.

What about Ian? It's his grandad.

Ian can look after himself. He's good at that.

Have you heard from your dad?

Nah.

Could've done with this last year.

Oh, Ben. What's wrong?

Nothing. I dunno, Mum.

Jay's sorting this party I don't fancy.

I'm going to have to stay late tomorrow to cover the work

he ain't done today. And Dad ain't even called me, you know?

-Ben...

-I'm sorry. I'm fine, all right?

Me and you, London Eye.

I'm looking forward to that. Thanks, Mum.

Sorry. I've forgot me keys.

Oi, Jay, that bird putting the posters outside the pub,

she is a sort. I'd definitely give her...

All right?

Yeah.

Right. Go on.

You go and enjoy yourself.

Just you and Steven? What's brought this on then?

Nothing, what do you mean? I just saw him in the cafe,

thought it was about time we built a couple of bridges. That's all.

Right.

-OK. Do you want me to tell him all this, yeah?

-Yeah.

-That all right?

-Yeah.

I've got a couple of calls to make. See you later.

Dad...

There's this bloke I saw, I think I went to school with him.

I seen him at your work. Do you know who he is?

-It's driving me mad.

-It's a big office, what's he look like?

Darkish hair.

My age.

Working the photocopier?

Well, if he's running copies it might be that intern...

What's his name... Ryan, Ryan Hyde? Something like that.

-Er, yeah.

-Yeah?

-Maybe. It rings a bell.

-Right. See you later.

-Thank you.

Well, this is tragic, ain't it?

Well, it's only early yet. So just give it a chance.

Jay, the only people that are going to turn up are the Old Bill

about those speakers.

Nope. They don't even work.

I mean, I'd take 'em back if I could. But I can't.

-Come on, let's just go to the Vic.

-Let me give Abi a bell.

KNOCK ON DOOR

All right, Jay?

Where've you been?

Here, why?

Your old man dropped his phone.

The only number he knows off by heart is the Arches.

He's been trying there all day but he couldn't get through.

Here y'are.

He said enjoy yourself,

have a drink for your nan and he'll call you tomorrow.

Oh, and stop using the work phone to call your mates.

Happy Birthday, boy.

Cheers.

-MUSIC BLARES

-There we go! Yes!

How are we doing?

Oh, will you get us an orange juice?

The spirits in here knocked me bandy yesterday.

Your hungover sister? That's the best you can do?

She can't even spell GCSE, let alone get them.

It's a Tuesday, who am I going to call?

And how many GCSEs have you got?

Is this where we sign up?

You what?

For the quiz.

You really want to do the quiz?

Why does everybody keep saying that? Yes, I want to do the quiz.

-OK, Kim. Here y'are, there's your answer sheet.

-Thank you.

Good luck. Because the winners get a round of drinks free.

-Oh!

-You're going to need it.

See that little mob over there nursing the tap water?

The Emergency Brexits. Right brainy little uni firm.

Not a day's work or a girlfriend between 'em.

What kind of name is that for a team?

-What do we call you lot?

-Oh, we are the Foxy Hubba Hubbards.

-Ooh!

-Bottle of white wine when you're ready, please, Vincent.

White wine.

Fair play, mate. You can call a party on.

Johnny...

Oi. Come here. How many people did you invite?

You told me to put the word out. Don't blame me, blame the internet.

Yeah, but I don't know half these people.

Here, look. It ain't all bad.

MUFFLED MUSIC FROM PARTY

You all right?

Er, yeah. Yeah. You?

Yeah. It's Ben's 21st, apparently.

Oh. I only come out cos I thought I heard a knock.

Yeah. Shaki's going.

I'm just popping to the Vic if you fancy?

-It's quiz night, ain't it?

-Yeah.

-Kim's got a team.

-Really?

-Yeah.

Kim? Wow.

Well, I can name the Spurs double winning side, if that helps?

Come on, I'll buy you a drink.

Er...

Yeah. Yeah, why not?

-I'll meet you over there then.

-Right.

Cheers, Abi.

It's packed in here. I didn't know you were this popular.

Nah, neither did I.

Where's your toilet?

At the end of the hall. Watch the door.

The locks are a bit dodgy.

So, you had a good day?

Yeah. It's turned out all right in the end. Cheers.

Cheers.

-Too strong?

-No, I could do with it.

Turns out studying law is as hard as it sounds. Who knew?

In that case...

Oh, word to the wise, Jay's going to try and set us up together.

What? Why?

Well, from what I can see, we're the only gay blokes in the room.

He'll put two and two together and get five.

Right. Thanks for the heads up.

Don't worry, all right? You're not going to get a repeat

of Lee's wedding. I'll leave you alone. I promise.

So what about you, are you local? E1, E2?

-What do you want, my postcode?

-No, no, just asking, that's all.

-Are you at uni or...?

-Mm-mm.

How am I supposed to guess that it's a crown, huh?

Look at it, it's a halo.

You can talk.

For Gandhi's last name you made us write "trick question"

in the last round.

-Brilliant.

-Well, you got Stephen Hawking's age wrong.

Just because I'm in a wheelchair does not make that question

-any easier, you muppet.

-Girls.

Girls, girls, I don't want to have to disqualify you.

Oh, you know what? Don't worry, I'm off.

I already got poleaxed by one prat today.

-I'm too hungover to deal with her as well.

-Oh, come on.

-No!

That's all right, Mick. Let her go, let her go.

I'm going to tag in my sister and Kush, yeah?

Er, is that allowed?

Calm down, Rule Book, it's fine by me. Put your tinfoil down.

That's the end of the interactive round.

You have got to go, now.

I told you. I'm here with Bex.

You ain't going to get into any trouble.

-I don't care. You have got to go.

-I'm not a kid, Jay. Not now.

-Not then.

-Are you not listening?

No, I don't think YOU'RE listening.

I liked you, Jay. I did.

I do.

I'm sorry. I just wanted an excuse to see you.

I am on a sex register because of you.

You have ruined my life. Now get out, now.

-You going to kick her out and all then?

-What?

The girl you were chatting to is 15. You knew what you were doing, Jay.

And now you're just doing it again.

-I'm not arguing with you. I want you out.

-Or what?

-Or I slap one of your little boyfriends. How about that?

-Leave it, Tom.

A minute ago you was chatting me up, but all of a sudden I've gotta leave?

-Ben knows we're here. He didn't say anything.

-I didn't realise you was here.

Technically you are trespassing.

What you going to do? Call the police?

He's a paedo, and we're underage. How's that going to look?

If she can stay, why can't we?

-Right, Ben...

-All right! Fair enough. We can't call the Old Bill so let's sort it out ourselves.

What is it? Four on...

..five?

-Yeah, we fancy those odds, right, boys?

-Yeah.

Yeah. Hang on.

Can someone just hold my jacket? It's new.

Come on. We're leaving. This party ain't worth our time anyway.

Come on, boys.

Come on, boys.

15? Those boys were lumps.

Think we got a little bit lucky there.

Cheers, Tommy. Sorry, mate.

Oi, your mate... How old is she?

Am I safe?

Is that a yes? No?

Tottenham Hotspur have won two league titles in their history.

Name those seasons.

Only two? I thought they was a big club.

-It's two more than West Ham though, ain't it?

-Oi-oi!

-Stick to your cards, trappy.

-OK.

So it's either summer and winter...

or spring and fall.

What are you talking about?

She said two seasons, Vincent.

It's '50/'51 and '60/'61.

-You sure?

-Yes. He's sure. He can even name the double team

-if you like.

-Right. Next question. Arts.

Which poem by Carol Ann Duffy features the line,

"Time hates love"?

See? Sexy Eggheads.

See that, boys? The heat is on.

Yeah!

Say they call the Old Bill?

Relax, will you? All right? Johnny said it's trespassing, right?

-Er, well...

-See? The law is on our side, bruv.

Now, let's get a beer and chill out.

Like what you see, do you?

-What?

-I'm going to get going. Preston isn't coming.

What? Look, it's his loss. Stay, have a drink

and I'll walk you home later.

Here we go, here we go. Game time. Drink or dare.

-Who's in? Who's in? Fancy it, Blondie?

-Yep.

-Come on.

Take that, here we are.

To save embarrassment, I'm only going to read out the runners-up and the winners, OK?

Right. In second place we have...

the Quiz Akabusis. CHEERING

-Never mind. We tried our best, yeah?

-Shush, man.

And in joint first place,

the Emergency Brexits and...

-..the Foxy Hubba Hubbards.

-Yay!

-We've got a tie.

-No way!

-A tie? How's that work?

Nah, I don't want to share my round with them.

How about a tie-break question to see who wins?

What did you say?

Captain's round?

If you're up for it...

Fighting talk.

Course. Fine by me.

All right, great. Can I get the captains up here, please?

And bring your buzzers.

Get them buzzers up here.

-It's on!

-Don't muck about.

-Go on, Kim!

-Drink, drink, drink...

-Go, go, go!

You know you can't pick drink every time.

No, no, no. If you dare me to snog Ben every time, I can.

Look, if you fancy the geezer just jump in, yeah?

Everybody loves a little birthday...

I don't, like, fancy him, all right?

You lot are putting two and two together, and just...

Like, just because we're the only two...

Oh, don't even bother. You have been eyeing him up all night.

See, Jimmy? Blondie knows.

Oi, young drunk girl, what do you think about this situation?

I would if Preston was here.

See? Full house.

-Leave it with me. I'll have a word with him.

-No, no, no!

Yes, yes! That's how you do it.

Yeah? Blondie don't muck about.

See, Jamie, right? Stick with me. I think we're in there.

OK, so it's fastest finger first. And it's just like before.

But only this time, captains, there's no help from the floor, OK?

Right, random question from the pack. Good luck.

No hard feelings, yeah?

Oh, stop smiling, mate. She'll knock you clean out.

Name all five members of the boyband Five.

HOOTER

-Um... Duncan...

-No, sorry. That's Blue.

-HOOTER

-Sean, Ritchie, Scott, J, Abs?

-Correct!

-Yeah!

-Foxy Hubba Hubbards win!

Yeah! Get in there!

No hard feelings, yeah?

KIM WHOOPS

You two are so boring. You've both been eyeing each other all night.

Listen, you said drink or dare, and I chose drink.

Besides, it's Johnny.

-I'm not kissing Johnny.

-Why not? He's good-looking, he's smart...

And he's Johnny.

And you're my ex, so can we call it a night

before this gets any weirder?

Plus I'm guessing he chose drink, an' all. Am I right?

-VOMIT SPRAYS

-Oh!

Come on. Let's get you home. I think you've had enough, eh?

Did you have a coat or anything?

Been a while since a bloke bought me dinner.

Can't complain, really. You're a cheap date.

Hey, we made a good team, didn't we?

We did, we did. Could've done with a cash prize, though.

This new career malarkey,

it's not all as exciting in the cold light of day.

You should be proud.

Half the people in that pub yesterday wished they were

-as brave as you.

-Brave, or stupid?

Brave. And clever.

You ain't too bad to look at either.

-You all right?

-Yeah.

-Night.

-Night.

All I'm saying is, if you need some new ideas for your rounds,

you let me know.

-Listen. First port of call.

-Thank you very much.

-Yeah. Come on.

-Let's whack that on the old canister.

-Thank you.

-Cheers, Mick.

-See you later.

-Thank you. Bye.

-Mind how you go, won't you? See you later.

-Bye.

-See you later. Ta-da. Ta-da.

Ooh, that's going to be a long old walk home. You all right?

Yeah, that was Lauren. She wants a girls' night.

Oh, yeah? You should go out. You shouldn't be in here every night. Go and have a mad one.

We had fun tonight, though, didn't we?

-There weren't a flood, or a fire, or a power cut.

-Yeah, cheers.

Why did you rig that quiz?

Cos you gave it to me over that raffle.

Cos only one of them teams was going to buy a bottle of bubbly after their free round, weren't they?

Like you say, we need money in the till.

The lock's a bit dodge. Shall we just head back to yours, Blondie?

-What do you reckon?

-How about this?

You tell me what my name is and I'll take you home, right now.

-Huh?

-What's my name?

-It's Annie. No?

-No!

-Ally?

Amy? Andi? No, it's not Andi...

It's something beginning with A, right?

THEY GIGGLE