22/06/2017 EastEnders

-Hello!

-Hello.

So you'd rather spend your birthday having dinner with your mum

than going to the Vic with the best looking bloke in the Square?

Oh, that Mick is handsome.

Hey!

Have you met my mum? "Rather" does not come into it!

She still trying to set you up with that woman from work?

Yeah. Esme. I told her I'm happy being single,

so she's been touting me around the office, naturally.

-Yeah, she's shown me the picture of her mate.

-Yeah?

-She's about 6ft 6.

You'd need a stepladder to get hold of her!

-All right!

-Right, are you sure you're all right having him?

I wouldn't normally ask. It's just the midwife's putting our plan together today.

Yeah, it's my pleasure. I've been spoilt this week. Haven't I, eh? Right, good luck.

-See you later.

-Thanks, Kush. Bye, mate!

-Bye.

-OK, look, do yourself a favour.

Take the little man down the park, yeah?

He'll be like a honey trap to all them fit joggers.

-Save your mum a job, won't it? See you in a bit.

-See you.

-Be a good boy!

-Bye.

-You all right?

-Yeah.

I was hoping I'd see you.

-Look, just have one slice to tide you over.

-Babe, I've got the sign being delivered,

I've got to pick up the cava, I've got to clear up outside the front of the shop before the photographer

-arrives, we've got Pam coming...

-You will have time to take her for a nice lunch, won't you?

-It's the least we can do.

-Yeah, yeah. Course. But what I haven't got time for right now is breakfast.

OK.

Well, just have one ickle bite!

For me?

Please?

Thank you.

Mwah! I'm sorry. I'm just really very, very proud of you.

My Billy.

The big shot businessman.

All the Bs!

Yeah. Right, later.

-Just me and you, after work?

-Well, yeah. Just a drink.

There's no problem if you can't. I was just, you know,

being spontaneous and it's going terribly, clearly.

I didn't say no, did I?

-Yeah. I can do tonight.

-Oh, good!

Oh, that's good. Great.

Very good. OK. Well, that was a lot of greats and goods, wasn't it?

-You're from Walford, right?

-Yeah.

There used to be a pub there called the Victory, is it?

-The Queen Victoria?

-That's the one.

-Fancy it?

-It's a bit cliquey in there, actually.

We could try the Albert. That's nice, I think.

-I'll meet you there, then.

-Great.

-Right, give me your number

-and we'll sort it.

-Right. Ready?

-Yeah.

Cheers. Thank you.

Right.

Hey, listen,

so, you cry for the old drunks

and cute and adorable for the yummy mummies, you got me?

Come here. Fist bump.

Auntie D will buy you a new one. Yeah? Come on.

Morning!

Morning.

Everything all right?

Yeah, yeah. Fine. It's just...

-Ah.

-Yeah.

Tried telling her, ducks don't live in this pond.

But she won't be told, will she?

-Just like her mum.

-Mm.

Oh!

Sorry, I'm just... It's been one of them days.

Well, luckily for you,

I've done all my swimming badges. Hold that.

-What?

-All right.

Here we go.

Just like me. Healthy and tasty.

If you bury your hand in the sand any further, Ian,

-you'll see Australia.

-She's my mum.

-I know.

But she needs to get on board with this diet or she has to go.

By her own admission.

-She hasn't said a word to me since, or apologised.

-Just give her time.

Ian, either you sort it out, or I will.

And I won't be half as diplomatic, if I have to tell her again.

-It's your choice.

-Everything all right?

Yeah, fine.

OK, Dad, we need to get to work.

Right, are we sure there's no sharks in here?

Well, if we see any, we'll let you know. Don't worry.

Oh, thank you very much(!) Are you sure you don't want to come

-in for a little dip? The water's really nice. Try it.

-Oi!

Sorry, sorry, just checking.

Right, ready? One...

Two...

Two...three.

Here we go.

Ah!

-Ooh!

-Aw!

Here we go!

Yay!

Well done, you're our hero!

-Who's for ice cream? Yeah?

-Oh!

Ice cream?

No, no, no. I paid for a shop sign to be fitted, not painted.

Listen, it's not our fault you ordered the wrong thing.

How long are you going to need? I'm unveiling it this afternoon.

-Well, it'll cost you extra.

-Extra?! It's only two words and a "and"!

We're old school. We paint by hand. That takes time. That takes talent.

That's what makes it special.

Now, if you want some stencil merchant,

we'll do you a refund, wipe our mouths,

but if you want a proper job doing, in half the time, I don't

think it's unreasonable for me to ask for a little extra, do you?

After all, it's your mistake.

-Am I right?

-All right, all right.

You get your extra, but only when the job's done, deal?

DOG HOWLS AND BARKS

OK.

Get away from her.

Get away!

-DOG BARKS

-Get away!

SPLASH

DOG WHIMPERS

Bron! What's going on?

I was thinking red, white and blue for the piping.

You know? '90s Britpop sort of thing. And Oasis for the lettering.

-Don't do Blur, couldn't stand them.

-Yeah, sounds good, Dad.

I'm just trying to help.

Yeah, I know you are.

So's Gran.

Look, we try and make people happy with food.

-Right?

-Yeah.

Well, that's all that Gran's doing, she's trying to make you happy, Dad.

She's just going about it in the wrong way.

You can't avoid her forever.

Please, will you go and talk to her?

Oh, hello.

-It was an accident.

-How do you throw a dog in a pond by accident?

-It was attacking me!

-Attacking? Look at him, he's harmless.

-OK, it wasn't done on purpose, all right?

-Yeah, course it weren't(!)

This is some sicko revenge trip, ain't it? I'm going to have you nicked again, watch!

-It was me, all right?

-Kush.

-You did this?

-Yes.

All right, I ran over cos he was going mad at Denise and the kids. What was I supposed to do?

-How about not dashing him in the pond, for a start?

-He had my bag and he wouldn't let it go.

-He was playing tug of war, then, isn't it? He's a dog. Are you dumb?

-Hey, watch your mouth.

Why? Are you going to try and drown me and all, big man?

Listen, he was aggressive and he was off his lead.

If it weren't my bag, it might have been one of these two.

-You want to have that thing put down.

-Put down?

-Yeah.

What, cos you're too busy playing cougar and toyboy to actually watch your kids?! Yeah, I see you.

And if you was actually paying attention, you'd see he was just playing. You mug!

Hey, you've been told once! All right? Don't make me show you up in front of your little mates!

-OK?

-Listen, I know you hate me, yeah?

But this is my little brother's dog and that's not right.

So I don't care who did it. I'll have you both nicked for this. Watch.

That looks great. I, um, didn't know if you'd still be up for making it.

They do liquorice as tape ribbon. And it'll say your name.

We both said some things that we regret and I'm sorry

about...everything.

But at the end of the day,

I am on your side and if you need anything, I'm here.

Why don't you come back later,

when it's all done and you can see what you think, yeah?

So, I see the commotion, I run over,

and I push it away and it stumbles in.

It was going for you, right?

I don't know, I'm not a dog whisperer, am I?

I just saw a big dog off its lead. It was instinct. It was an accident.

Yeah, I know. I was trying to get our story straight, that's all.

I should have just stayed in bed. I'm so sorry.

You all right?

I got a call this morning. Um...

The adoption's been finalised.

And it really hit me. I thought I was ready for it but...

Anyway, maybe it was just playing. Kush, you really shouldn't take the blame for this, you know? I'm sorry.

Listen to me, right? That dog should not have been off its lead when there are kids about.

OK? And I'm glad you were there.

All right?

What now?

I'm still on discharge.

And if he does go to the police, I could go to prison.

And even if he does run his mouth off...

He's not going to call the Old Bill, all right?

We're going to get the kids home and then we're going to see him

later and nip it in the bud before it gets out of hand.

OK? We are going to sort this, I promise you.

Don't worry, I'll find somewhere else. I know when I'm not wanted.

-Mum!

-What? I mean, it's a bit of lasagne.

Honestly, anyone would think that I deep fried

a cream cake and force-fed you it!

You've already lost loads of weight. She's going right over the top.

Mum, will you stop it?

Do you remember Danny Rogers, when we used to live over at the flat?

Yeah? He used to give me a hard time whenever I went outside to play? Yeah?

And you were going to go and have it out with his mum, except I made you promise not to.

And whenever I came home upset, you'd give me a bag of sweets.

-You remember? Cola bottles?

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

Right, until one day you caught me and him playing footie over

the park and realised I'd been conning you out of sweets for ages!

You were just trying to keep me happy.

You were trying to make up for not being there.

And you're doing it again.

Ian, I don't need a psychoanalysis about

a bag of sweets I bought you 40-odd years ago.

-It's a lasagne.

-No, it's not the lasagne. It's you.

I've done really well, OK?

But I need everyone's help.

And if we're not all on the same page, then it's not going to work.

Jane's right.

Don't use those in the house.

All right? You wait until we get down the park.

Do you hear me?

LAUGHTER AND YELLING

KNOCK AT DOOR

Mr Jack Browning? I'm here for the nanny interview.

It's Branning.

-And you've got the wrong day.

-Oh, I didn't realise.

Listen, we're on our way out. Can you do me a favour?

Will you ring your firm and tell them not to contact

-Mr Branning again?

-Sorry for wasting your time.

-CHILDREN YELLING

-Oi, oi, oi!

Oi, oi! Stop it!

-Singles night?

-We prefer the term "mixer".

So, out browsing tonight, are we?

18s and over section, I hope.

Excuse me? No. I'm meeting someone here tonight actually, so...

Confident. I like it!

Now, here's your prompt cards, in case you get stuck for conversation.

Trace, a shot on the house for Michelle, please.

Don't worry, Kim will take care of you. ID checks, all round.

Aye-aye. I spy crow's feet.

You're cleared for take-off. Yes.

Hey, let me do the talking. Yeah? Play it safe.

Here they are, the dog drowner and the child puncher.

Have a seat.

Does it take time? Yeah. All good craftsmanship does.

We live in a world where it's wham, bam, thank you, ma'am.

Art takes time.

What happened? Where have you been? Pam's been here ages.

I had to give Mr Kohl a lift home. He was so upset.

-I couldn't let him get on the train like that, could I?

-That's all right.

-Pam, sorry I'm late.

-Just in time.

-Right, are we all ready to go, then?

-You deal with the dead, son. You leave the sign game to me, yeah?

-Some woman and a kid, was lucky not to be mauled, apparently.

-Chavs.

I mean, you know me, I love dogs. But if I see one off the lead,

flashing its teeth, I've got two kicks.

-One for the dog and one for the owner, right up the...

-Hello!

I'm Pam Coker. My husband Les opened this parlour.

I'm going to keep it short and sweet, on his behalf,

as he's been struck down with a very bad case of man flu.

It gives me great pleasure to declare Coker and Mitchell

open for business.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

Oh, that's going to comfort the grievers(!)

Billy...

Billy.

Once again, it was an accident. I mean, if he wasn't off his lead...

Let's not get bogged down with technicalities.

At the end of the day, I'm left with a traumatised dog and

a pond smell that's going to linger, but I'm a reasonable woman.

I'll take 500 quid.

That's vet fees, emotional distress, all in.

-Excuse me?

-Fine, as we're neighbours, 200.

What?

If you really thought that dog was dangerous,

I'd have Sweeney at my door, not Muscles and Cougar!

Right, 200 quid and we keep schtum the fact that you two were

too busy cosying up to look after those kids.

-Deal?

-Deal? Are you joking?! Listen to me...

-No, no, no.

No.

You're right.

Um, I think we'd prefer to just keep this quiet, wouldn't we?

As would you.

He might not be a dangerous dog, but he was off his lead.

And I'm sure you wouldn't want to risk him getting put down

over the sake of like, 200 quid.

Mum, she's just trying to squirm out of it.

You should have let her talk, Muscles.

Would have saved us all some time.

Bernie, show them out.

TV ON

OK.

First things first...

I would never intentionally put my son's health at risk.

But I understand now.

I was away a long time and I wasn't around to help and then when

I was, I tried to help in other ways.

And a bag of sweets ain't going to cut it any more, right?

It's not about the lasagne. I know it...

It's about me and you're right, Jane. I need to get on board.

I promise I'll learn.

So, I brought some dinner.

I thought we could cook something together.

That sounds perfect.

Right, I'll get started.

-So...

-So...

You've punched a kid, you've chucked the dog in a pond. What's next, eh?

Cats?

-Old people?

-No.

No?

I love cats. Old people? It depends which one.

Right.

Listen, thank you for stepping in for me today.

If that little idiot knew it was me, I'd be in a cell by now.

No, no. Thank you for sorting her out over there.

Having Arthur means the world to me. You know?

Make a decent team, me and you.

-Yeah.

-Look, if you ever want to go for a drink, talk about anything,

-the adoption...

-No, I'll be fine.

Just sort of feels real now.

But it's been the right decision.

Anyway.

Happy birthday, Kush.

Sorry.

It's only been in there an hour.

Listen, if it's not working, let me know and I'll replace it.

Oh, it's fine.

Thank you for the hairdryer.

-And the coffee.

-Well, listen, while you're here,

you might as well tell me about yourself.

Like, where you're from?

Um, Walthamstow? It's on the Victoria Line.

Yeah, no, I mean originally.

Oh, right.

Norway. Oslo.

I've been in England for five months and three days exactly.

-Five months.

-And three days.

Well, listen, I'll be honest with you,

I want someone who knows the area well, so...

Dad?

Dad! Ricky put chewing gum in my hair!

Look!

-It was an accident.

-Oh!

Well, listen, don't panic. Relax.

I'm sure we can sort it out.

-Cut that out, I reckon.

-What?! Don't cut my hair!

Do you have some peanut butter? And a toothbrush?

-You what?

-Peanut butter and a toothbrush.

Trust me. What's your name?

Amy.

Come here, Amy. Let's see.

-The smooth kind, not the chunky, right?

-Course.

Go upstairs, get me a toothbrush, go on.

Room for one more?

It really is a lovely little Square, isn't it?

I do miss it.

I ain't stupid, Pam.

I know people think I'm the runt of the litter when it comes to

blokes round here.

I ain't ever been the hardest...

..best looking or the smartest.

Obviously.

Just...

Just for once, I wanted people

to say, "You seen old Billy?

"Ain't he done good for himself?"

You know?

That was never going to happen, was it?

Always going to be the laughing stock, ain't I?

My Les always says if an undertaker only sees the casket and not

the people standing round it, he won't last.

A month after taking you on, he turns to me one night and

he says, "That Billy,

"he sees the people.

"He's got the heart."

And he told me, you spent all day with that Mr Kohl,

drove him home, despite everything you had planned.

My Les isn't right about many things, Billy Mitchell,

but he was right about you.

You're not the runt of the litter.

You have got a family that love you.

And you are brilliant at a job that helps people through the

darkest of times.

That is the mark of a man.

Not some silly sign above a shop.

Billy, you have done us all proud.

Come on, let's go and get some dinner.

-You sure that'll work?

-Of course. But not with the chunky.

My cousin found this out the hard way.

Oh, there we go.

Bingo!

Thank you.

What do you say?

Sorry.

Right, you two. Go on, in the other room.

Four brothers. You learn fast.

Are you up for a trial?

Next week?

-Right. Next, what is your favourite film?

-Oh, OK.

So, sober Michelle would say Shawshank Redemption.

Five shots and two glasses of white wine down Michelle can

exclusively reveal...

..Die Hard.

-Oh, I or II?

-Come on! Hans Gruber, all day long!

Oh, nice! See? That was a big moment.

If you'd said II, we could have been over before we started.

Right, then.

We're drunk, we've used up all our convo cards,

-let's get down to it.

-Ooh!

You know my story.

Widower, struggling to move on. Tell me,

what's yours?

You sure you want to know?

OK.

So, I WAS married,

things got stale,

somebody young

took an interest...

It's all a bit embarrassing, really.

Look...

..don't worry about it.

Let's just say we've both still got stuff to work out, right?

If your husband was sad enough to cop off with some young girl,

then you're better off without, right?

Say no more.

-Cheers.

-Cheers.

-Ooh!

-Ah!

'Sorry, Steven. There's nothing I can do.'

Well, if you've got to work, you've got to work.

-'Yeah, I can't get away. If you're sure you don't mind...?'

-No, that's fine.

'We'll have dinner together when I get back, OK?'

Yeah, I'll see you later.

'OK, see you later.'

-OK, bye.

-'Bye.'

I'm sorry, but you're here playing happy families,

as if nothing's happened

and she's got to work late again? She's unbelievable!

This is the bit where I lose it.

Right?

I just pick this up and chuck it at the wall.

Wait for her to come home and then kick her out.

Throw everything I have worked for away.

Yeah?

Go home, Abi.

Oi, give that here. Give that here now.

The only people that leave presents on your doorstep are serial

killers and stalkers. I've got to see what's in here. Come on.

-Can you just hand it over, or lose some teeth? It's your choice.

-Might be from my Esme at work.

-I wouldn't mind a peek.

-I'm going to open it later, all right?

-Boring.

-Right, see you later.

-Yeah, see you later.

You OK, darling? You seem a bit quiet.

Was that rice a bit mushy, Kushy?

Ha! No, it was lovely, Mum. Thank you very much. And I'm fine.

-Happy birthday, babe.

-Thank you.

My baby!

-See you later.

-Bye-bye.

Shaki, where you going?

So you'd snog Holly Willoughby and marry Kelly Brook?

Listen, you look after your own choices.

Who chooses to avoid Ryan Gosling? Even I wouldn't avoid Gosling.

Well, I don't go for classically handsome men. Obviously!

All right! Insults aside, thanks for tonight.

-I've had a really nice time.

-Yeah. Me too.

Listen, about what I said earlier...

Look, don't worry about it.

I shouldn't have put you on the spot.

But from where I'm standing, she wasn't worth it.

-See you.

-See you.

Tom?

Your wife was a lucky woman.

And I'm sure she'd want you to move on,

but only when you're ready, yeah?

-See you.

-See you.

Oh, watch it!

Sorry, mate.

I am not your mate!

BUZZER

Mr Kazemi?

-Yeah...

-We'd like to talk to you about an incident that happened

earlier today.

MOBILE RINGS