23/01/2018 EastEnders

So, did you get any sleep last night? Because I didn't!

I didn't make the connection, Phil.

If I had, I would have told you straight off

that Mel was sniffing around, wouldn't I?

So what did she say?

Not a lot.

Too busy gawping, weren't you? Give me that.

What are you doing?

I'm going to tell her that you want to meet her.

Well, why would she want to see me?

She won't be meeting you, will she?

All right, Hope, all right, he's coming, two seconds...

BABY CRIES Maybe she needs her mum.

CRYING STOPS

Oh! Finally, she's stopped crying.

-Tiff!

-What? Like you haven't been kept awake!

Look at those bags under your eyes. You need to sort them out.

You're so sweet, ain't you?

Tell you what is good for that. Chicken. A nice family bucket.

Don't forget, I'm treating you later.

You OK?

Yeah. Will be, once I've had some breakfast, cos I am starving.

Starving! What are we having? Hank Marvin.

Cornflakes, my favourite.

So listen, kids, I was thinking, how about I have the day off

-and - wait for it - we do nothing but have fun?

-Yeah!

High five! Yeah!

I could take Lily in. She hasn't been to school for two weeks.

What's another day, eh?

Martin, I like your style. Want to adopt me?

Who's the best dad ever, eh?

BABY BABBLES

Yes, thank you.

Bex, listen, Stacey's outside.

So I was thinking we, you know, keep the doors locked.

Maybe use the back one. Yeah?

Keegan!

I've been at this since 5am.

That Ingrid's got a gorgeous gob on her. I'm quids in now.

What's that? A book!

Mum, we've got an exam.

Here's a little lesson for you.

Life's where you get your A star.

I mean, who cares about which king killed which queen, you know?

It's overrated.

Ignore her. She's talking pants.

And she irons 'em.

Dot made you that.

She wasn't very happy about you staying,

but I said it was temporary.

How long have you been out here?

I couldn't sleep.

My boobs are aching.

Hope's probably screaming the house down.

Martin's not on his stall, then?

No. No-one's come out, no-one's gone in.

OK. Well, eat your sandwich and I'll go and talk to him.

-What are you going to say, exactly?

-Do you want me to help you or not?

Sonia, I didn't mean for all this to happen.

Well, it has, and now we've got to fix it.

Does it feel a bit strange

with you receiving letters rather than delivering them?

It's the circle of life, Chacha.

Hm.

-I'll...

-No.

-I will...

-I'm not geriatric yet.

Hm?

-Ah.

-Ah.

Quiet day ahead?

Yeah.

You know, I was doing all my files in bed last night.

You work too hard.

Yeah, well, no-one got anywhere by slacking off.

Well, now...

..make time for yourself.

Work isn't everything. Hm?

This is nuts.

I mean, why would Mel come back to get involved in this?

If you ask me, I think you missed the boat.

Do you want to say that again?

Well, what is the point in chasing her?

She's not even answering, is she?

PHONE BUZZES

So, uh, I'm...I'm just coming to see how you are, you know.

Checking in on you.

And the kids, of course. You know, see if they're happy and...

..they're being fed...

Martin.

At least talk to me.

You don't want the kids to be upset, do you?

They'll be wondering where Stacey is.

Martin, Martin, I get where you're at. I...

Martin, open the door, please! Please, let me in, eh?

-What did he say?

-Not a lot.

-Right, that's it, I've had enough...

-No, it's not going to help.

Martin! Martin, come on! Hope needs me and you know it.

Stace?

Martin's locked himself in.

Are you serious?

Right, I'm going to call him, all right?

So let's all just stay calm, yeah?

BIRDIE SONG RING TONE

Come here.

Hear that, Shirl?

What, that song? I hate it.

No! The sound of calm. Feels different in here.

Like a ship that's got itself through a storm.

I can't do ships.

Makes me feel like my stomach's at the back of my throat.

What's all this?

Just thought I'd treat everyone.

We've got coffee on tap, you doughnut.

Here we go.

I can go back and get tea, if you want.

Or hot chocolate. Or champagne...

That's enough.

Who says no to champagne?

Just leave it, all right?

No sign of anyone.

Must've got the message.

What I'm doing, it's what anyone would do.

I know that.

Stacey's in the wrong, Bex, not me.

Which is why I'm here.

I just can't face her.

I mean, physically, I just can't handle that...

You know, not today, not...

Who knows?

Are you scared you still love her?

I do love her...

..and I hate her.

I mean, you'd have thought, after everything that she did,

that it'd just switch off, but...

..it doesn't.

Well, not for some people.

It's better just to block it all out.

Well, whatever happens, Dad, whatever you decide to do,

I am right with you, OK?

I know.

Kids, who wants to go to the pictures?

We're showing Despicable Me then Minions.

GIGGLING

What is that? When did you write all that?

I didn't. I just borrowed it off that Johnson kid.

It's a bit late for that.

Who asked you?

Keegan!

Well, I didn't see you, did I?

You're full of surprises.

What's that mean?

Finally studying.

Let's hope it makes up for the times that you didn't.

Know any prayers?

At least he's trying.

He wouldn't pass even if he had revised.

Get lost, Louise.

It's you two that are lost.

Ignore them, Keegan.

Is that what everyone thinks?

Course not.

Just drop it.

She didn't show, so you'd better start thinking of something else.

You lot still leave back doors open, then.

Just so you know, I decide when and where we do this.

TV PLAYS

Thank you, Ruth.

-Kush.

-Yeah?

If we all chip in, we can get a decent wreath for Abi.

Oh, of course.

You always hope there's going to be a last-minute miracle

then, next thing you know...

Listen, have a think about what message to write.

Yeah.

Huh!

Why do I do this to myself?

Hey, if you want a decent sandwich, you should try the Vic.

-The Vic?

-Yeah.

And, you know, if you smile nicely, Mas might even slip you a freebie.

Has it really been 15 years?

You and Sharon, eh?

Finally got married.

Is she out, then?

Shopping, I'll bet.

Long as it's not for another bloke, eh?

Have you worked out why I'm here yet?

Put that down.

Oh, it speaks.

Where's Ben?

What, you think I know?

You've got three seconds.

Back off!

You want Ben, you're not going to get him that way.

-Where is he?

-Ask Ciara.

Does she know he took the money?

Now, if it was that simple, he'd be tied to

a rock at the bottom of the sea.

Someone did a switch when Ben wasn't looking.

His stupidity is the only reason that he is still alive.

Oi!

All right, Mick?

-What are you doing?

-Just getting some crisps.

-Come here.

-What?!

-Ow!

-Mick, he works here!

What?

Surely you know?

I thought you told him.

I thought you had.

-Don't know what to say.

-Well, you can start with sorry.

And an arm massage - you gripped it really tightly.

Tell you what, lunch is on us.

Yeah.

Dig in.

You're not yourself.

I told you to leave it.

Look, we're mates, yeah?

-Mates don't just let each other go...

-Over there.

I ain't got the money.

I'm lying through me teeth.

Then there's your answer.

Don't wind me up.

It's simple. You turn that lie into a truth.

Look, I read that, if you tell the universe what you want,

it'll turn up the very next day.

It's quicker than ordering off the internet.

All I care about is getting Hope fed.

All right, you're making it hard for her, Martin, not me.

Please! How can you do this to her, Martin? Seriously?

I'll tell her to go away.

Is that Mummy outside?

Yeah, yeah.

She just dropped something off.

But she didn't say hello.

Come on, we can't leave the others downstairs, can we? Hey, come on.

BABY CRIES

Oi, what are you doing out here? We've got an exam.

Keegan? What are you doing?

-Lund was out of order.

-Oh, what? And throwing a brick helps?

She saw I was trying, but yet it meant nothing to her.

-So tell someone.

-I am.

That's my car!

This is an instant suspension!

You won't be allowed anywhere near that examination hall now!

Go to my office, Keegan.

We need to deal with this through the right channels.

I'm sure you know how it works.

It was me. I threw the brick, Miss.

-Just go and sit your exam, Bern.

-I said it was me. Go.

You didn't throw that brick.

So...what happens now?

Why don't you go and see a film or something?

I don't know what's on, Sharon, I just think that, you know,

while you're out, you might as well make a day of it.

I'm not up to anything, Sharon. It's called being thoughtful.

All right. I'll see you later.

Billy's running a business and you're Mr Wonderful.

What's happened to everybody around here?

Sit down. Cos me and you's going to have a talk.

I'll kick it off, then.

Give me the money and you get Ben back.

You think I've got your money?

We both know this is classic Phil Mitchell.

Of course you'd do the rest of them over!

So, what, Ben takes it and then I take it off Ben?

I mean, how blonde are you, eh? It's my son we're talking about.

I ain't going to throw him to Ciara.

I mean, some pit bull you are. You're sniffing in the wrong place.

No, it's got to be you.

You've got a kid. You know exactly why it's not me.

OK... Say I believe you. What happens next?

What do you think?

Because Ciara's mutt is going to lead me straight to her.

What?

Could've worn a better top.

It's a chicken shop. Tiff, can you pick what you want, please?

-Yeah, I'm looking.

-It's really not hard - it's a chicken shop.

All right?

Bit late, but you're here now.

Right, I'm going to go and get my school project.

Tiff, we're supposed to be having lunch.

Yeah, you are.

Did she just say school project?

Yeah, I'm meant to be helping her with it, I think.

She doesn't have a project and, even if she did, she wouldn't do it.

Are you single?

Two years and counting, yeah. Why?

Because we've been set up, that's why.

Set up for...?

It don't matter.

Before you go, are the wings any good in here?

Er, yeah, they're all right.

Nah, that's one thing I never got.

Why do chickens have wings if they can't fly?

So we can eat them, I guess.

Did you say we?

My treat?

I promise, I've got no idea where Ciara is.

-I'm done listening to you.

-Phil...

-I'll find her myself.

-No, no, no, wait... You can't do that.

-If I sort her, then I get my son back.

-No, that's not the half of it.

I'll tell you what. Why don't we do this the old-fashioned way, yeah?

Because there's no way you're keeping me from my son!

Look, if she sees you coming, you will never see him again.

Never.

The only chance you've got is for me to turn up with her money.

Have you listened to a word I've said?

I've got no idea where your money is.

Well, then, get some ideas! This is not just about Ciara.

If Aidan finds out what Ben did...

..he's going to come after everyone you know and love.

Now, I can't actually believe I'm going to say this,

but we need each other.

You don't need to sit out here. Dad's got it all sorted.

Bex, it's about my kids, it's not about your dad.

Yeah, and they're happy, Stacey.

Right, they're having a great day, and that's all you need to know.

Mummy! Mummy!

Lily!

Lily!

Lily, get back! Get away from the window!

Hope's hungry.

Martin!

Dad! Dad, Lily's got Hope!

Martin! Lily, please, get back...

Why are you shouting, Mummy? She wants you, Mummy.

-Lily, please get back.

-Why are you shouting?

BABY CRIES

Mummy! She wants you, Mummy.

She's hungry.

Lily, sweetheart...

What are you and Hope doing up here?

Hope's hungry. Mum's just out there.

OK. All right, then.

Let's go and see Mum, shall we?

Come on.

It's OK. He's got her.

He's got her, Stace.

Good girl. Hey, there we go.

Hey, sweetheart.

Hello. Well done, well done. It's OK. Right, let's go.

BABY CRIES

Yes, I know, I know. Let's go.

Let's go. Come on.

It's all right. It's OK, it's OK.

Box of chips, please. Actually, make that two.

-Nice, innit?

-Hm.

So, two years without a girlfriend?

Closer to three.

Three? What, you been in a monastery?

-Actually, I say three. It's...

-Not four? It can't be four.

-No, it's not four.

-I was going to say!

It's five.

-Oh!

-What?

Do you even know what a girl is?

I think so. I've seen a few about.

What, you not into them?

No, no, love them. They just don't seem to like me.

I went to a club once and I asked out 19 girls.

Well, I say asked, I had to yell over the music.

The only thing I went home with was a sore throat.

What, and all of them said no?

I swear, even if I was the last man on Earth,

girls would still be washing their hair that night.

And if I was the last man on Earth, it's probably cos there's

been some sort of nuclear war and half the women would be bald.

Oh, don't, you'll make my mascara run.

Well, at least you haven't. Run, that is.

Why would I run?

Tiff's taking ages.

That's the plan.

It ain't been a bad plan.

For her.

Do you fancy doing this again some time, or...?

I'll think about it.

Good.

Make sure you do.

I think you might be the wind beneath my chicken wings.

So, Mick Carter, Billy, Keanu, Vincent Hubbard.

Definitely no-one else?

Aidan.

No, not him. It can't be. So who do you fancy for it?

I ain't... I ain't got a clue.

Phil, look at me, all right, you can't say that!

You and me, we need to find this money.

Now, who's the most crooked, or desperate?

Him.

Right.

Well, that's where we start, then.

Oh, great... You're still working here, then?

Practically employee of the month.

Oh. Arshad doesn't mind?

Arshad doesn't know,

so keep that quiet.

Oh.

Kush, I just saw you go in here.

Can you send Masood out, please?

-How does he know I'm here?

-Keep schtum. I'm going to sort it out.

-How?

-I'm thinking, all right?

Everything all right?

Masood. I think we need to talk.

-Ain't that your uncle?

-Yeah, yeah, it is.

The door's open.

Don't tell him that!

Kush, could you please send Masood out, please?

Be easier if you just came in!

No, no, no. Someone might see me and tell Mariam.

It's a pub!

Get out there and talk to him.

-I'd really rather not.

-Oh, Mick, come and sort this out, will you?

-Me?

-Yes, brilliant! You can pretend to be another Masood.

Slow down, slow down. Just say that again.

Like there are two of them, right, two Masoods.

One of them who works in the Vic and you're that one.

-You're the one I accidentally told Arshad about...

-You told him?

Mick, Mick, just do me a favour here, please.

I'm not actually supposed to be working here. I sort of lied.

Right. So I'm meant to be the other Masood?

Don't you think he's going to notice when he has a pipe at me?

-No, not if you...

-What? What? What?

-You talk to him through the door...

-Yes!

You're off your nut, you's two.

Talk to me, please.

All right, no, forget it. Forget it.

This is madness. I'm sorry.

Hi... Chachi's not out there with you as well, is she?

No, no. Just me.

I'm really sorry, but I think I should tender my resignation.

I was going to let you go, anyway.

Couldn't you have told me that before this?

Hold on, hold on, when was this decided?

Well, we've got far too many people working here, ain't we? So...

Yeah, but that's Mas and Whitney gone, and now Johnny's going...

Masood, are you or are you not coming out?

It's just, you know, it's management.

You know, got to make tough decisions so you don't have to.

You still here?

Yeah, well... Chacha, I'm coming. I think it's for the best.

A man who hides secrets is not a man.

That's better, isn't it? Hm!

What's it you called me - Saint Martin?

How could I have not realised that she'd stay with Hope?

That is what having kids is like, Martin.

You've got one in one room, the other one's somewhere else

and you're busy trying to do ten things at the same time.

Yeah, well, I was doing one thing.

Avoiding you.

That's what my day was about, weren't it?

Can't even manage that.

Here you are. Take her a minute.

Come here. Come here, you.

Look, maybe you just need a bit of time just to get yourself straight,

or straighter, at least.

Martin, let me help you.

Let me take the kids.

What?

No, that's a nice...nice little Max move, that, Stace, yeah.

What are you talking about?

You! "Look at me, I'm so caring, I can help you out, Martin."

Yeah, of course you can! You've learnt from the master, Stace.

The kids need me! That is all I'm saying!

Yeah, I really wish it was.

Martin, I'm their mother!

Oi, I'm their mother!

They need me!

Martin, you proved you can't look after them today!

Martin, please, just wait!

Martin!

Martin!

Old school remedy.

Is Bernie back yet?

All right?

DOORBELL

They're early!

So, how'd it go?

I might've scraped it.

What did Miss Lund say?

Suspended me.

Bern, look, I'll go in, I'll just say it was me.

No, no, there's no point. It's done now.

Yeah, but you can't pass an exam you can't ever sit.

Probably weren't have done it, anyway. You're the clever one.

I don't know what to say, Bern.

Just don't go round throwing any more bricks.

Nah, never. But you're all right, though, yeah?

Of course I am. Two weeks off school watching telly?

Get in!

Promise?

Promise.

I needed the money.

I can understand that.

This doesn't make me a bad person.

I'd never say that. No, more a good person that became desperate.

-Chachi's going to...

-Never know.

What?

I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

No, what you need to do now is...

I know, I know.

I need to get a proper job before she finds out.

There must be something out there for you.

Yeah. Meanwhile, we've both got to pretend.

Well, it just hasn't gone how I thought.

No, I'm not done.

I haven't even started.

So what happens now?

I mean, tomorrow, what happens then?

Same as today, Bex.

There is no way on this Earth I'm letting her have these kids.

They're mine.