15/02/2018 EastEnders

Please, babe.

Pick up the phone.

Look, I said I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Call me, Kim.

Look, at least tell me where you are. Let me make it up to you, yeah?

-Because...

-DOORBELL RINGS

Baby, look, I am so sorry...

You want to watch out I don't have you done for sexual harassment,

Stud Muffin.

KAREN CACKLES

-Come on, give us a go.

-Nah, I ain't done yet!

Oh! Halfway!

-I'm sorry, Mrs C.

-What is wrong with you?!

They've got smears. Do them again.

Don't make a pass at a man on my behalf, please, Donna.

Oh, give your head a wobble. What pass?

Halfway. If I wanted to send him a card, I would have sent him one,

all right? You're making money out of people's feelings.

That's Valentine's Day, Whit.

This time last year, my husband left me.

Have you got any idea how hard it was trying to get over Lee?

I heard Mick was very helpful, and Woody gave it a good try.

Let me tell you something, Donna.

I don't need a man to make me happy, all right?

I like me. I like doing what I want, when I want.

I'm not looking for a relationship. Have you got that?

Then why are you having such a fit about it?

Because I am sick to death of smug couples walking round, and nans.

People's nans are asking me why I haven't got a fella!

People like me and you need to stick together.

Stop buying into it.

What's wrong with her?

Listen, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs to meet the right prince.

Don't flatter yourself, Rob.

It ain't a man I need this morning, all right? Unless he's loaded.

We still can't cover the rent, and nobody has paid the broadband.

Cos that's another thing Abi used to do.

-Oh, Donna, look, you're bound to miss her.

-Just...!

One time does not suddenly make us best friends, Rob!

Right, so I care enough to show some kindness,

and I'm the one that gets the rocket?

I'm not that desperate to share your duvet.

Don't worry about it.

Lots of people ain't actually got cash lying about these days.

-I got a doll!

-You have? I can wait, can't I?

Cos we're going to play!

Shall we have a tea party, shall we? Shall we have a little tea party?

-Here!

-Oh!

-Does bunny have a name?

-Er...

-Does bunny have a name?

-Bunny.

-Oh.

-Oh!

-Shrapnel, I'm afraid.

-All pays, love.

-Yeah.

To be honest, I didn't think no-one'd be here, you know,

what with your promotion up The Albert.

Oh... Yeah, yeah, of course, yeah.

-I can't tempt you?

-No.

-There you go.

-Kathy in?

-Oh, no.

Erm...

I'll just have a latte, please.

Second person looking for Kathy this morning.

Yep. Indeed-y.

Kathy is one popular lady.

Lauren!

Lauren! Lauren!

-Just shut up! Shut up!

-BABY CRIES

Ain't you done enough? Dad, you're upsetting Louie now.

Go away, and lay off the drink.

Why? Why did you tell me it was done, Lauren, when it ain't done?

And I should be there, so tell me, where is it?

-No.

-Just tell me!

No! Listen...

..Mum won't go to the funeral if you do.

Why? What is it? Some sort of a punishment?

She don't get to decide that, Lauren, all right?

I've got every right to bury my own daughter!

You can't even give Abi one day without you ruining it.

Her final day!

-This isn't about you, Dad!

-I'm sorry, Lauren.

I'm sorry. I know your mum's upset. Course she is.

But no-one can blame me more than I blame me.

-Will you talk to her for me?

-No.

Please, Lauren, just talk to her for me!

No, don't use me.

Do not use me!

Do you want to know the main reason I am leaving this place?

It's you!

I cannot stand you!

You've been doing this to us our whole lives.

You shove us, and then you pull us.

Just one big game.

It's about you two, between you two. All right?

Nobody else. It needs to stop!

If you push me, if you keep pushing me...

..it won't be just Abi that's gone for good!

Do you understand me?

Now just go.

Go!

I thought it was such a good idea of Kath's

-when she offered at New Year.

-Mm.

I mean, I know us women are supposed to be chatting to each other

all the time, but life's busy, ain't it?

We don't actually do it, do we?

And some things are just quite hard to talk about.

I can't get Tanya out of my mind, either.

No. That poor, poor young girl.

It's just such a waste of life, you know.

And it's a shame, really,

cos when Tanya moved, we didn't stay in touch.

-I can't stop imagining, though, what she must be...

-Mm.

I did think about writing her a card, but I don't have her address.

And I didn't really want to be bothering Lauren, you know.

But, Denise, a card, and that tribute page they've just set up...

I mean, none of it seems adequate, does it?

I called Cora.

Play nicely, otherwise I'm throwing it in the bin!

Oh, when am I going to learn that "half-term" does not mean "holiday"?

All I'm saying, right, is that Lee just ain't as honest as Martin.

I used to judge my whole day on whatever mood that boy was in.

I ain't ever doing that again.

And, you know, it's not like I want a man

for the sake of having a man.

I just want someone nice. Who wants me for me. You know?

Someone who listens to me and ain't embarrassed to show actual feelings.

You know what I want? I want a gentleman.

I want someone who treats me right, and holds the door open for me.

-It's not too much to ask, is it?

-No, Whit, it's not.

But, if you can compromise on the door bit,

you might be better off getting a rescue dog.

-Yeah, so I dare you.

-Stand in front of us, then.

There you go.

Well, first, it's a few sneaky samosas, next it's the full-on menu!

-Might have to penalise you.

-And there's me thinking

Ian got his competitive instinct probably from his dad.

Oh, bit sexist, are we, Masood?

A few pakoras, bhajis, a drop of aloo gobi -

I am merely levelling the playing field.

£100 says I will beat you, Kathy.

Right, £100.

Mm. And may the best non-specific gender person win.

Are you for the haddock, love? Right. I'll get your chips.

Now I've done my sums -

you need to sell enough samosas to pay for the ingredients, double it,

then before you split the profits, you need to pay me

for helping you since 5.30 this morning.

Ooh, you're good.

Behind every good man, there's a good woman.

I have half a dozen lined up waiting to hear from you

Chachi...

Go on, then. Sell your samosas, build up your male ego.

And then fall in love.

There you go, love.

No, love.

You legit can't make us do nothing.

Yeah, and you legit won't get your change until

you wipe them willies off my window.

Here you are.

-Thanks.

-Cheers.

Thank you. Thanks.

The main thing you've got to get your head around

when you're in a relationship is that sooner or later,

you will get seriously disappointed.

We've all been there, haven't we?

So stuff St Valentine, and all those fools who believe in him.

Here at The Albert, we love our customers.

Our doors are always open.

And we have half price on prosecco. Yeah!

CUSTOMERS CHEER

Chase away them blues.

Tanya's on sedatives?

Cora found her walking down the middle of the road.

And the first that Cora knew about it was

when one of the neighbours called.

Tanya just doesn't want to go on, does she?

But then, if it was one of my kids...

-I'm sorry.

-Are you?

It's all the wrong way round, losing a child.

Yeah.

You know, Cora reckons she's so spaced out, they'll be lucky if

they get her to the crematorium, let alone sitting through Abi's funeral.

I just wish there was something we could do.

I thought we could raise money for that vet that Abi worked for.

I was thinking that maybe we could do something like

a joint wreath or something.

Cos some of us have known her since she was little.

Well, I thought I'm going to try not to be a complete witch,

if Denny gets back from football club.

Got to love them while we can, huh?

Here they come.

Come here, sweetheart, give your mother a hug. Did you score?

-Yeah.

-Yes! That's my boy. Well done!

-I love you.

-Do you want a drink?

Oh, he is heartbroken, Amanda.

Can I call you Amanda, Amanda?

Yeah, cos my son, he's got special needs.

This scooter's the only thing to put a smile on his little face.

You know, what with the bullying, and the death of his grandfather.

And the one leg...

Well, that's what I'm saying.

Mm!

That scooter he got from your company...

..it ain't arrived, Amanda. Yeah, well I'm guessing,

you know, legally, I mean, you'll have to pay me my money back.

ALARM BEEPS

Oh, for heaven's sake, Mick!

-The boy's a liability!

-Pipe down, he'll hear you!

As you were, people. As you were.

I'm sure he's ever so good in a war or whatever,

and I know that we owe him and I know you've got a soft spot.

But does being a decent cook make up for the constant cock-ups?

Two cod and chips. There you go.

Well, you've either got it, or you ain't.

Ah! I've got pakoras, bhajis, samosas. I've got lovely aloo gobi.

A nice biryani?

Yeah, well, the kids, they don't really like spicy food, so...

Sorry. I just got a bit distracted.

-There you go.

-Thanks.

-Thank you.

Look, you are never going to outsell proper British grub.

Oh, well, I didn't think you were old enough to say that.

Sorry?

Yeah, for most Brits under the age of 70,

Indian food is as traditional as fish and chips.

Are you saying I look 70?

There's a sign outside there saying "Chippie".

You've got an unfair advantage, Kathy.

I am not 70, thank you, Masood. I was a young mum.

And Ian has had a hard life. But...

Yes, you have got a point about the sign.

-I have?

-Yeah.

And I'd give up now, if I were you.

Can I have a saveloy, please, my love?

That is too little, too late. I'm sick of flowers.

And can we even afford them?

I could have been lying dead in the gutter Valentine's night.

You were sitting on Patrick's sofa eating cheesy puffs. He text me.

I was comfort eating, Vincent, yeah? Making a plan.

Making us some money, despite you and your tactics.

-OK, look, I hear you...

-No, no, no. Look, I've had enough. I'm fed up.

All this tiptoeing around,

trying to find out what's going on in my life.

It's too much like hard work.

And you know I don't like the scary gangster stuff, Vincent.

I do not like it!

I don't want to know anything more about it, all right?

Right.

And don't make me out to be some kind of irresponsible little woman.

-I wasn't...

-Cos I ain't stupid, Vincent.

-Come home.

-No, no, no, say it.

You ain't stupid. You are not stupid.

Because what is good for me is good for you, Vincent.

And you know what? I'm going to start taking back control.

Yeah. I'm going to take back control.

And I don't need your permission, because I'm going to do my thing.

Happy Valentine's, everyone.

I am. I know that.

But it is time.

What are you doing?

How much are you nicking?

-What?

-What's in your hand, Halfway?

£150.

And you waited for them to both go on a break?

Well, I hope Mick calls the Old Bill, and I hope you get nicked.

I tell you what - if you move, I will scream.

Do you hear me? I will set this whole pub on you.

Don't move!

Whit, please. I wasn't taking it out.

I was putting it in.

-Is this promotion right?

-You're just looking for 5p.

Half price off your main dish, free onion bhaji, yeah.

It's just 5p.

I'll have two biryanis, one aloo gobi,

and a couple of samosas, please.

Yeah, and I'll have a biryani as well, to take away now, please.

I presume I get a discount on my discount

for being the inspiration for this venture?

Do you know what, love? Forget it, all right. Have 5p on me.

-You're not doing anything. Do you want to give me a hand?

-Yes.

Yeah, and are you going to give me my winnings from your own money,

-or are you going to tell Ian?

-Oh, smug. Very smug.

Samosas are over there.

I wouldn't mind making up for Valentine's.

Tell me your thing.

We're going to have to be one of them two-income career couples.

-Kim...

-I know, I know.

It's not nice being kept in the dark.

And I will tell you. I will. But you've got to promise to stop.

Stop hanging out with the gangsters.

And please promise to stop doing the things

I just don't want to know about.

Otherwise, I'm not coming home, Vincent.

I promise.

OK.

Well, I'm going to go back to being a part-time temporary salsa teacher.

Yes. With you being honest, and us working together,

my additional income, we can splash out for a naan bread.

Cos me and Pearl, you know, we were not born to be poor.

-Mm.

-Mm.

Tracking, yes. Recorded delivery, yes.

Do you want to put that Amanda back on? Cos she was way more...

Wait, what?

Oh, no, no, no, no. I don't want to go on no blacklist.

Do you know what?

I bet our neighbour signed for that scooter without telling us.

Yep. That'll be it.

I bet old Joyce loves a little scoot about.

No, no, no, no, no complaint.

Worth a crack.

You want to finish that sarnie? I'll get you some sweeties.

When I can talk, I want more money off my money off.

There you go, have a bottle of water.

Bless him. Bless you!

See, I...I like it hot.

-I only do hot.

-Good!

-Mm-hm-hm!

-Mmm!

Half-price drinks round by ours. See you, Kath!

-Bye!

-Masood.

I think maybe we'll have something else for dinner.

I don't understand.

No. It's a mystery, that.

All I want to do is sleep.

-MAX SIGHS

-I can't even do that.

Can't make anything better, can I?

Well, if it'll help, you know, you can sleep here.

Cheers.

It's just unnatural, innit? When your kid dies before you.

It should have been me.

I've said some horrible things.

Just everywhere I look, everything's wrong.

I had a breakdown in prison.

Well, maybe you should go to counselling, Max.

Why? Because that's going to bring her back, is it?

Because, you know, I don't know what to tell you.

That's Abi's jumper.

Can I have it?

Oi! You need to knock louder.

Dot's discovered iPlayer.

She's probably watching a rerun of Pointless or something.

Donna, what are you doing?

I...was just...

Dot won't want them!

No, they were going brown before you even tried to dye them red.

-Dumping the evidence on an old lady?

-ROBBIE TUTS

You need a green bin, Donna.

Maybe you should try contacting the council.

Robbie, shut up. You're boring.

Donna!

You could just say it.

No. I'm not good at feelings, Rob.

Maybe talking isn't our best talent.

Me and Lee used to crack on that we was brothers.

When I was a kid, I'd have given anything to be a Carter, you know?

Yeah.

But they ain't my family.

I always manage to outstay my welcome. Board, lodging, accidents.

I wanted to pay them back before I left.

You shouldn't have let me have a go at you like that.

My grandad always said, "You don't interrupt.

"Treat a lady with respect."

He died. I was only in Year Six.

Then my nan went off the rails, and...

In my head, I still try and make him proud.

I don't half miss him.

Can't even talk about the old fella without welling up.

I ain't ashamed to admit I've got feelings.

It's 150 over.

Lot of people confuse honest with needy, but I'm not needy.

I'm used to being by myself. I just like people.

Some people.

I meet a good one, and I probably am a bit full-on.

I can't stand goodbyes. I'll text them.

-Thank Mick and Linda for us.

-Yeah...

You know, Abi was the first girl I ever fell in love with.

We were just innocent kids then, but...

you know, we used to talk a lot.

But the older she got, the weirder she got.

JAY CHUCKLES

Ben used to say she was lonely.

She put people off with her attention seeking, but...

..I think it was your attention that she was after mainly.

You know, she loved her dad.

Did she?

Well, she got up on that roof after you, didn't she?

And I think that Abi would want you at her funeral.

I think you should be there, Max.

No.

I don't want to ruin her final day.

So don't ruin it for her, then.

You know, make it happen for her, in a good way.

Do the right thing, don't sit here bawling about it.

Leave it with me.

Wait!

Wait! Halfway!

Erm...

Can I buy you a drink? Erm, you know, cos...

Well, I'm embarrassed about what happened on Valentine's.

And I think I got you wrong.

I don't think you've outstayed your welcome.

You are beautiful.

Don't go yet.

I've got to go.

I can't pretend I ain't had it.

Letter's been forwarded. Army rules.

I've been called back up.