20/02/2018 EastEnders

SHE VOMITS

Oh. What you doing home?

Just a refill.

You had your hair done?

What? No, why? What's wrong with it?

No, no, no, no. Looks good.

Yeah, very...sassy.

-Sassy?

-Yeah.

What do you want?

-Magic Marv's in town.

-Who?

Magic Marv, the music man.

You know, bloke off kids' telly.

Well, anyway, he's doing a fun day at the community centre

and some bloke's selling cheap tickets on the market.

Arthur loves him.

And...?

And I want to take him.

And I thought I could take Hope and Stacey.

You know, we sort all the timetable stuff out.

Thing is, I need someone to watch the stall because Luke's sick.

Martin, you need a solicitor.

If you think some fun day's going to spark a reunion

between you and the wicked witch of Walford, then...

No, look, it's for the kids, Son. Yeah?

Come on.

I'll make it up to ya.

SHE SIGHS HEAVILY

PHONE RINGS

Savannah? Savannah, I told you.

All right? It's my girl's birthday.

Right, I cannot leave no earlier than one o'clock...

What?

He pulled out?

Oi, oi, oi, you tell him I cannot drop the price any lower.

It's a prime bar, prime location.

He's taking...

All right.

All right!

Yeah, well, you know what? No sorrier than I am.

-KIM:

-OK, come on. Come on, come on, come on.

-May I introduce to you...

-Boo!

..the newest member of the foxy three club?

And her mother who still looks young enough to be her sister.

Yeah! Thank you.

MAN COUGHING

Magic Marv? The Magic Marv?

Yeah. He's making a comeback.

-At our community centre?

-Yeah.

Apparently he's doing a local tour.

-Arthur loves him.

-Well, he used to,

but he's gone off him a bit now.

Well, just thought we could have, you know, a nice day together

as a family, like the old days.

The old days?

No, not like that, I mean...

Look, you know, like, we tried to sort the timetables out last week

and it went to pot, didn't it? So... You know, we do that today.

Like adults.

No aggro, no rows.

Just a nice family day.

For the kids.

-Yeah?

-All right.

Brilliant!

Going to have a laugh, won't we? Have a laugh.

Yeah!

What was I thinking?

-What was I drinking?

-Is your Pan boss-eyed?

I mean, look at mine.

-He'd be flying round in circles, him.

-Never mind my Pan.

You come in here, right? We had a drink.

-And then we went on to...?

-The gay gaff.

Soho.

Yeah, all them birds.

-What a waste.

-And then on to Shoreditch for...?

Two Pans for the price of one.

And then, er...lock in.

We didn't, er...?

Nah! I give it a good go mind.

Oh, thank God for that.

-Er, no offence.

-Offence taken.

DOOR OPENS

Of course I'll help if I can.

Just getting my charger.

Peek of your Pan before I go?

Yes! Who's got two thumbs

and just landed tickets for Magic Marv at the community centre?

Pearl's birthday treat.

-Magic who?

-Marv. Magic Marv.

He combines music and magic for the masses?

The prat with the hat, off kids' telly?

Now, I know that you're busy with your big meeting,

but maybe you could come afterwards?

-I'll try.

-Good.

And before you start to worry, the tickets were cheap,

and the presents were thoughtful

and the belts are tied tight until we're all right. OK?

You see, we don't need to spend a fortune to celebrate, do we, babe?

-No?

-No.

-No.

Like they say, all you need is love.

Bee Gee's were right.

No, no, no!

Yes! Yes!

-No!

-Get in there!

Have a bit of that!

Hey, hey! Yeah, man!

Game set and match.

Yeah, man! Come, come, come, come, come.

Let me feel the fibre of that fabric.

Yeah, well, rematch tomorrow?

Come, come, come.

You just got lucky.

There's no such thing as luck in chess, brother.

12:30 at Kempton.

I'll save my luck for there.

Hi, Bern!

-Lost then, did ya?

-Oh, here she is, Miss Brain of Britain.

-Are you bunking off or what?

-Nah, half day.

Can you tell the time? Bit early for a half day.

Well, three-quarters day...

Anyway, fancy a game? I reckon you could do with the practice.

Yeah, maybe.

After we've sorted out the shallots. Is that a deal?

As long as I can be whites.

We'll see.

We're going, so see you later!

Yeah, I know, I know. I'm an idiot. He could've been a pervert.

And now I've slept in and I'm late.

My head's banging, all right? So I don't need no lecture from you.

I'm not your mother, Tina.

Exactly.

-Who's you talking to earlier?

-Mind your own business!

You're not my mother either.

It's a bit basic, innit?

No! It's intimate, innit?

So I'm going to sort these tickets out.

-Yeah. Good girl. You all right?

-Yeah.

Oh, are we early?

Nah, nah.

There you go, mate. That's mine. Ta.

Shouldn't there be three of you?

-You know, treble clef?

-SHE CHUCKLES

Whatever.

OK. We booked online.

Yeah, that's all right.

Oh, are you with Stacey?

No. No, no, course not...

-It's just a family day, you know?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-You got some big birthday plans today, have ya?

-Yeah.

Well, you know, you can't do much on a Monday.

So, you know, we're going to fly out next month.

-Disney World.

-Oh, lucky you!

-Yeah, yeah.

Afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.

May I introduce to you,

live from...

Where is it?

..er, Watford community centre,

Magic Marv, The Music Man!

TINNY MUSIC PLAYS

Hello, boys and girls!

Who's ready to play?

# I am Magic Marv

# And I come from down your way

-# And I can play

-RECORDING:

-What can you play? #

Well, I was going to tell ya.

I can play the piano.

# Pia-pia-piano, piano, piano

# Pia-pia-piano Pia-piano... #

Very good!

Hello, handsome. How can I help?

Well, I'd be a liar if I said I didn't feel that spark.

I got an hour for lunch.

Lucky you.

Where's my ring?

Ring? What ring are we talking about then?

Nobody else has been in the house bar us and you.

I want my ring back.

Fabric conditioner? Washing powder?

You come see me, yeah?

But robbing houses? Neighbours?

Nah, that's for scumbags and I'm far from that, mate,

you understand me?

I wash pants for a living, yeah?

Good thieves wouldn't need to, lowlife thieves wouldn't bother.

I'm neither.

And I will go out there now and I will front up that square

and you and your wife and anyone else who says different, yeah?

You... You don't tell nobody else about this, yeah?

I'll expect a generous tip next time I do your ironing, big boy.

Oi!

Now you want to check your wife's fingers, yeah,

before checking my back pockets, you get me?

# I am the music man! #

Childhoods are being ruined here.

Whoo!

That can't be him. I know it's been a few years, but...

-Is he drunk?

-No! No, no.

He's just a bit, er... Bit rusty, isn't he?

Good afternoon, Watford!

Right, who's up for a day of fun, boys and girls?

Now, I want all the mummies and daddies involved.

Music and magic -

that's how we rock and...

SILENCE

Come on, music and magic, that's how we rock and...

-Roll!

-Roll.

-That's it! That's it!

Right...

..who we got in today, then?

Oooh, Yummy Mummy alert.

What's your name then?

This is Arthur and I'm Stacey.

Oh, Sally! Lovely Sally.

You're punching, son.

You what?

Clef? Get some volunteers, mate.

It's xylophone time!

-KIDS:

-Me! Me!

-Yay!

Shall we go? This ain't going to get any better.

No! No, he's just having a great time, ain't you, boy? See?

He is! It's just like that time when we went to that dodgy panto

in Ilford, weren't it? You know, last year.

We just had a good time. Make the most of it.

Come on, it'll be a laugh! Eh?

The xylophone, one of the few words that begins with X-Y.

Because it's EXTRA special, that's why.

So, you turn up an hour late, burn eggs on toast,

-mix up a decaf for a coffee and now you fancy a kip?

-Sorry, Kath.

-I had a late night.

-Yeah, I can see.

And so can all the customers.

You're too old for all this now.

Either pull yourself together or go home.

Cor, Gordon Ramsey's not happy.

Cup of tea, please.

PLAYS A SIMPLE TUNE

APPLAUSE

COPIES TUNE

Hey, hey!

-That's how we rock and...?

-Roll.

-Who's next? Are you ready?

Yeah, yeah.

Come on, mate, we can do this.

When you're ready.

QUICK TUNE

That's a bit fast, innit? Right.

PLAYS BADLY No, sorry, just do it again.

QUICK TUNE, CHILDREN LAUGHING

PLAYS RANDOM NOTES

Well, if the tune don't flow, it's time to go.

Come on then, mate.

Hope he tickles your ivories better than that.

What'd you say?

Er, sorry, sir! No kid, no entry.

Can't be too careful these days!

I'm with this little one.

-Oh! I see...

-Hello, boy.

Double daddies!

Ooh-hoo-hoo!

Well, am I done yet or what?

-That'll do.

-Finally!

What is a shallot anyway?

Shall I set up, then?

No, now you can go to school.

-What? But you said...

-Do I look like I was born yesterday?

Is that a trick question?

Education is the key to life, young lady.

-You ain't going to tell my mum, are ya?

-No, I'm not.

As long as you consider this a lesson learned.

-Can I at least lend the board?

-No, you can't.

A shallot - it's like an onion, only sweeter.

Right, can you put these in the shed and make sure it's shut?

I am off to the pub.

PLAYING TAMBOURINE

Smashed it out the park! Wahey!

Give 'em a round of applause.

-Hey, you. Hey, you!

-You all right?

It's a bit budget in here, innit?

Oh, listen, Pearl loves it.

You should've seen her on the xylo-ma-phone thing.

Listen, it is like looking in a mirror.

Natural talent, natural talent!

Yeah. Oh, my God.

So, how was your meeting?

Oh, it didn't work out.

Well, never mind. You know, there'll be plenty more buyers, right?

Course.

All right, we need another volunteer.

Remember - Bee Gees. All you need is love.

All right?

Get those muscles up on stage.

OK, now, it's dead simple, right.

All you gotta do is follow my rhythm.

-There you go.

-Why is he here?

Well, you said you wanted to work out timetables as a family.

-Well, we're a family, ain't we?

-No, I know.

-I just thought...

-Look, Martin, I appreciate how hard you're trying.

I really do, but I just thought Kush should be here.

Well done, Super-sub Daddy! Yay!

Now, it's time for a small intermission.

See you later.

I need a drink. I'll be back in a minute.

Right, there you go.

That will either sober you up or give you the runs.

Some risks are worth taking.

-It was Magic Marv.

-I thought he was dead.

I've got a whole phone of selfies with Magic Bloody Marv.

I used to watch him with Zsa Zsa when she was a kid.

Oh, I'm too old for this, Kath!

I woke up this morning with my head in a urinal

and a dodgy tattoo of Peter Pan.

I'm a 43-year-old kid.

I'm Patsy Pan!

-Pasty Pan?

-Yes.

Oh, listen, I've made much worse mistakes

and been a lot older than you, believe me.

But the only way you'll stop people treating you like a kid

is to stop acting like one.

TABLE SCRAPING

You all right?

Hey? Yeah, come here, sit down.

-There you go.

-Thanks very much.

What can I get you, Martin?

Oi.

-What are you doing?

-Whoa, whoa, whoa, settle down.

Settle down? You're drinking.

-What you in here for? Glass a milk?

-No, I need a drink.

You've had enough.

What, you need a drink?

Oh, cry me a river, pal.

I've got two ex-wives

and a ten-year-old tax bill sucking me dry.

Ain't my fault Steroid Stanley's banging Sally's drum.

Stacey!

Her name is Stacey!

Martin? What you doing?

Sip it, all right? Drink it too fast, it'll make you queasy.

Is was that District line. The smell, it's done me in.

Never mind them tube nonces.

There should be a hotline to shop the soapy gits.

Don't worry about the tattoo, by the way. We've all been there.

-How do you know about that?

-Well, you were shouting.

I'd show you my tramp stamp from Zante

if I had a decent pair of knickers on.

THEY LAUGH

-Hey, listen, do you need an ambulance?

-Nah.

Can leave her alone, though.

She's hungover, but helpful, you know what I mean?

Good start.

He's been winding me up all day.

What happened to making the most of things?

You're sneaking off for a pint and bashing up Magic Marv.

Don't start, Stace. You're the one who brought backup.

I'm sorry, Martin,

but that is how it's going to be from now on, all right?

It's a good job he did come in a way.

Arthur didn't crack a smile till Kush turned up.

Well, I did tell you this morning that he's gone off Magic Marv.

Like you've gone off me? And now Arthur will an' all.

Oh, Martin! I am sorry.

Stop saying you're sorry when you clearly ain't.

You're standing there like you've done nothing wrong.

I'm the one who's done nothing wrong.

Oh, cos this is really Dad Of The Year behaviour, is it?

-Don't start all that, Martin.

-No, I will.

You tell me what I've ever done to you.

What I've done to them kids. Right, I had a family. I had you.

-What have I done to deserve this?

-I ain't doing all this again.

Just one reason, that is all I want.

Did I ever hit ya? Eh? Was I ever nasty?

Have I ever cheated on ya? No.

So, come on, just tell me. One reason, that's all I want.

-Tell me!

-What do you want me to say? What?

What, that I don't fancy you any more? You're boring?

I'm bored of you, of this?

I'm sorry, Martin, I really am, but I can't do this any more.

And if you're going to be like that, then just go home.

The show ain't finished yet, is it?

-Ever heard of knocking?

-Shut up. Right, how do I look?

You're going out with Libby Walker.

-It don't matter what you look like. She ain't fussy.

-Perfect.

Oi, what's that?

Chess. And no, you can't play.

Why would I want to play chess?

It's just like a posh draughts, innit?

Draughts? Chess is for intelligent people.

You didn't even know Loose Libby was easy. Jog on.

Well, come on then, Einstein.

How hard can it be if you can play?

I mean, I know Disney World is a bit expensive,

but I think our daughter deserves the best.

Vincent is suggesting Disneyland in Paris.

I mean the trains...

-Disney World?

-Just keeping up appearances, Vincent.

Yeah, well, keep up this appearance, cos she's going to wet herself.

Oh, no! Come on, come on.

Oi! All right, let's go to the toilet.

OK, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls.

Take your seats.

The second half of the show is about to begin!

How we doing?

Brilliant.

Right then, boys and girls... Come on.

Now it's time for the mummies and daddies to show us

what they've got.

I need some volunteers though.

Come on, don't be shy now.

Ah!

-Yeah, and you!

-No.

No, you can't be shy looking like that. Come on.

-OK.

-Right, come on.

I just need one more now.

One more volunteer.

Yeah, I'll do it! Yeah.

Well, looky here.

Popeye's had his spinach.

Clef, we've got a triple daddy duel!

All right? Do you need a hand?

-You've perked up.

-Yeah.

Ended up being a good day.

Shirley, there's a girl asking for you.

You all know the rules.

You state your name, your instrument, and then you play it.

If you hesitate, you're outta here!

OK, you'll be up first, handsome.

-All right?

-All right.

Clef! Music please.

MUSIC PLAYS

Get ready, muscles.

Here we go, here we go...

One, two, three, four...

# My name is Special K

# And I come from down your way

# And I can play...

What can you play?

# I play the guitar...

# Guitar, guitar, guitar-a

# Guitar-a, guitar-a

# Guitar, guitar, guitar-a

# Guitar, guitar-a. #

Hey! Round of applause!

Yay! Yay!

Come on, let's show Sally who's Daddy number one, eh?

All right! Clef, same again.

One, two, three, four!

# My name is... Martin... Martin, I come from... #

He's out! Back to your seat, sir!

Mate, come on, you've got... One more go here.

The music was out and stuff.

-Just sit down, Popeye.

-Another go, he cued me early.

-Leave Brutus and Olive in peace, yeah?

-Oh, shut up.

How's that for boring?

It's OK, folks. He used to be a big fan of The Who, that's all!

-Check...mate.

-What?

No, I didn't know a horse could do that, that's not fair.

Well, maybe you should've listened when I explained.

You're such an idiot!

Oi! Stop shouting! Come and get your lunch!

Bernie! Lunch, now. Chop, chop.

She's your mate's kid? What mate?

You don't know her.

All right, well, is she OK, though?

-Cos she had a funny turn in the caff earlier.

-It's complicated.

I don't want you coming over there and embarrassing her.

You watch the bar with Tracey.

Do you know him?

Looks dodgy to me.

Tracey, my darling!

Keep them coming.

We got ten to one winnings, thanks to brother Teddy.

Good day for outsiders.

Oh, come on, cheer up now, man.

Bernie did your onions, it can't be all that bad.

No, no, you're right. She's a good kid.

Yeah? So why don't you lend her your chessboard, then?

Well, not that board.

Some things are too important to lend.

Now, for 20 quid, I'll throw in a signed picture and a selfie.

-I don't think so. But thanks all the same.

-C'mon!

Look, she deserves a birthday treat, right?

How about 15?

Look, I know money's tight this time of year.

-12?

-All right, look, look. Here.

All right and keep the change.

Much obliged, sir.

I have to say, Watford's my kind of place.

-I've had a blast.

-Walford.

Now go, before I take off more than your hat.

And we, tomorrow, are going to have a party, right?

I mean, a proper party, yeah?

And everyone is invited.

Vincent, remember, you know? You know, Bee Gees...?

It's Beatles, babe.

-Beatles?

-Beatles.

But you were right, yeah.

Our princess deserves to have the best.

And if it means me giving my last pound,

then that's what she'll get.

Yeah, OK.

One, two, three,

four, five!

There's a hundred quid in there.

If you need any more, just let me know.

My phone number's in there too.

But not here. I'll meet you somewhere.

Busy in here, ain't it?

Most pubs round here are chicken shops these days.

Either you're cokehead friendly or the tourists like it

cos the Kray's drank in here, right?

Thank you. I appreciate it.

Money in an envelope? Really?

You're supposed to be watching the bar. Not me.

Is she in trouble?

You all right?

Just leave it.

-All right?

-I'm fine.

You following me or what?

I said just leave it.

-Just let me sit with her.

-Tina!

Tina?

You're Zsa's mum?

Zsa Zsa's my best mate.

So you can stick your advice.

You weren't no mum to her, so stop mothering me.

Well, that was fun.

No, thanks for inviting me.

-I don't know what's the matter with him.

-Well, come on, Stace.

You know what the matter is. He's hurting.

And you know what?

I reckon you didn't just invite me to protect him.

You were worried you might just enjoy yourself.

Right, come on, little man.

Let's go, shall we?

What you doing home?

Didn't go well, then?

It's over.

I want a divorce.