26/02/2018 EastEnders

I think you'll find that's check, pal.

It's not checkmate.

Shh! I'm trying to think!

-You could still move.

-I know, I know.

Watch this.

What are you doing?!

Well, it's a special bomb attack, innit?

You can't do that.

Well, it's fine, he did that last time.

Pawns don't do much anyway.

It's the big guns I look after.

-You put money on this?

-Yeah.

He's mugging you right off.

Do you even know what pawns do?

They're like infantry.

Stormtroopers.

Always the first into battle.

Make it to the end of the board

and that's when they have a better chance of taking out the king.

See, I told you the king was the boss man.

He's the one that needs protecting.

Don't mean he goes round chucking bombs!

PHONE RINGS

It's the queen you want to watch out for.

She can go any direction, any distance.

Well, if she's that powerful,

she'd be the one you ought to take out first.

Er, what are you doin'?

Teaching him properly.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait!

So that invisibility cloak weren't a real move?

Oi, you owe me a fiver.

So I forgot some of the rules.

But I got the basics, didn't I?

The knight takes people out from the sides.

-Just like me and Bronson, riding into battle.

-You wish.

And who are you? The badass queen?

No, I'm just a pawn.

One that don't make it down the other end of the board.

Fancy a game?

Well, soon as he gives my money back.

Oi, what are you doing?! Come here, come here!

Here, Keegan! Keegan, come here!

Oi!

-Sorry.

-Don't mind me!

I wouldn't say no. Quality, that is.

Do me a favour, leave him alone.

Ain't you supposed to be knee deep in kids?

Er, let me just see if that's any of your business.

-Nope.

-Suit yourself.

Don't suppose you know anywhere decent round here

-to get your nails done, do ya?

-Yeah, I do, actually.

Just down there, turn left and get lost.

-You ain't funny.

-I ain't joking. Leave me alone.

So what's he like, then, your old man?

None of your business.

He just might be.

Are we just going to let this happen right under our nose?

Aidan was just chancing his arm while we were away.

That's the last of it.

That's the last dregs.

Well, he don't look like the last of it.

Well, it's proving to be a persistent problem.

No. I want someone out here to look at it.

Today.

Oi! Have you ever been to Walford?

Because I will have a mob with pitchforks

and flaming torches outside if you don't shut that alarm up.

Yes, I'll hold.

I didn't know you were here. Why weren't you in school?

-Free period.

-You're 15, you don't get free periods.

Things have changed since the '50s.

There's no more blackboards any more either.

This afternoon, double maths. Liar.

Two-week timetable, independent study. Stalker.

You can't just pick and choose which bits of school you like.

Maths is important.

Name me one time you've had to use Pythagoras theory in actual life.

Now you're just being obtuse.

A triangle joke, really?

Problem?

Not for much longer.

You're taking on too much.

Try leaving me to my own devices, I'm pretty self-sufficient.

I am quite capable of running a club

and being an overbearing mother, thank you.

Yes, I'm still here.

Four hours?!

I'll leave you to it then, oh, great, capable one.

-CAL:

-Take your head off.

Don't mind me, fella, crack on.

Thought we made things clear, Grandad.

You'll be seeing a lot more of me.

-I remember the last time you made cakes.

-They were brownies.

And before you say anything, it was Babe's recipe, all right?

I ain't exactly going to give space cakes to a newborn, am I?

You can't give any cakes to a newborn, Tina.

Yeah, all right, it is for Georgie, OK?

I just thought I'd go and stay there for a couple of days.

You know, make a bit of an effort.

So things went well, then?

He's small fry, he's just a geezer, serving up in the khazi.

-Happens everywhere.

-Oh, what, you're just going to bend over, Mick?

We haven't turned into a crack den just yet, have we, Mother?

You need to sort it.

It's gonna hit the fan.

TINA LAUGHS

Afternoon.

Look, I'm really sorry about the chess set, Mr Murray.

And about my mum.

And my brother.

I told 'em you weren't some dirty old man. Honest.

Right, well, better get some food.

Allotments, 5.30.

Be there.

ALARM BLARES

You got your door wide open, the alarm's going off.

I mean, it's the ex-copper in me,

but I could never resist a damsel in distress.

Well, I'll let you know if I see one.

-CHUCKLING:

-Well, look, I can help if you like?

It's being sorted.

Well, I used to run this place, back in the day.

-So did I.

-Oh, did ya?

And thanks, but I'm not sure that I want an ex-copper on the payroll.

It's the ex-con in me.

CLATTER

What, you got visitors?

Not that I'm aware of.

Oh, go on, then, my knight in shining armour,

I suppose I could do with the muscle.

KNOCK ON DOOR

All right, love?

You've barely touched your sandwich.

I weren't hungry.

You ain't anorexic, are ya?

Only asking!

Well, don't.

I get it.

Painters are in. Got mine this morning too.

Mum, please shut up.

It's weird, innit? How women sync up when they live together.

It's not. It's a survival thing.

You what?

It's so a male can't single out a female in a pack of animals

just cos they're in heat. I watched it on telly.

Couldn't find the remote, eh?

Well, I guess every day's a school day and all that.

Where are you going?

Out. And by myself, before you ask.

You shouldn't be hanging around by yourself.

It ain't healthy, love.

Well, what if I like my own company?

I saw them two girls today.

You know, the ginger one and the one with the really annoying mother.

Asked them if they didn't mind a tag-along.

Bex Fowler? Why would I hang around with her?

Erm, Bernadette...

My mum ain't that annoying.

She is pretty irritating, to be fair.

Right, I'll leave you girls to it.

And if you decide to have a drink tonight,

make sure she stays off the cider.

It's a Taylor thing, never could handle the scrumpy.

If L finds out, she'll ring the old bill.

Maybe that's not such a bad idea.

You want to rat out the maniac?

No, we keep our heads down, we don't let it spiral out of control.

That should be our family motto.

LAUGHTER

What do you reckon, Jay? What, you reckon they're on it or what?

Yeah.

That ain't just drink, though.

-By the end of the week, we are going to be earning...

-All right, boys.

Yeah, all good. Thank you.

Lovely, lovely.

I think you need to wipe your hooter.

Now, I'm not usually one to cast aspersion,

and I don't really care what you whack up your toffee noses.

What I do care about is my reputation.

Now, no matter what you find in that khazi, this is a family pub.

I'm a family man.

I'm going to give you ten seconds to drink your drinks

and get out of this pub lively.

Come on, fellas, we don't need this.

That Walford gear. 50% rat poison, 50% talcum powder.

Them idiots'll buy that, definitely.

Apparently, his mum was married to Ian Beale.

-Who hasn't?

-I know, right?

DOORBELL RINGS

-I'll get it.

-No, that'll be Louise.

Nice try, though.

Don't talk much, do ya?

It's hard to get a word in. Didn't know you two were close.

She's my cousin.

Her annoying mum is my annoying aunt.

And if it weren't for my annoying sister, I wouldn't be here either.

I am so glad you're here.

Your mum told Sharon everything.

Everything about what?

That old paedo who lives underneath you.

Look, I know these things can be really hard to talk about,

so, if you want, you can just point to the doll if it's easier?

Teen...

ALARM BLARES

Right, it looks like the coast is clear.

Must be on some kind of timer.

It would help if the instructions weren't in Chinese.

Well, let me have a look.

I've got a similar system to this one on my other properties.

Nightclub owner to property magnate.

Am I meant to be impressed?

Well, you know what they say about humble beginnings.

Yeah, you wouldn't say that to the last woman who ran this place.

Nah, no, you wouldn't.

Heard she drowned on her wedding day.

Talk about getting cold feet.

It was our wedding day.

Haven't you got a stiff to embalm?

There's only one stiff of mine that needs embalming, Shirl, me girl.

Half day today.

That's the beauty of the stiffs, see,

they tend to stay where you leave 'em. Know what I mean?

If it's the Columbian marching powder you're after,

he's in the gents.

Wait! Wait, just sit. Please?

He's really got his claws into you.

All right, slow down, Jeremy Kyle. She might be telling the truth.

I am! I'm meant to be meeting him later, he's teaching me chess!

-This is classic grooming, girls.

-I need to go, I'm going to be late.

We kind of told your mum that we'd keep an eye on you.

Yeah, she tried to bribe us with cigarettes.

Why is everyone treating me like I'm some kind of kid?

Where are you going?

To the toilet.

Why, do I need your permission to go there an' all?

Quality bit of gear, that.

You won't know whether you're coming up, coming down

or just off your nut. All right?

So you think this plan of yours is going to work, do ya, Pablo Escobar?

Well, I don't see you coming up with any better ideas.

Well, here's one, talk to him. Tell him you're not having it.

You have met him, in't ya?

Just be straight with him, instead of telling him stories.

Trust me, this'll work.

And you think Big Mr Jim O'Leary is just gonna shrug his shoulders

and admit defeat, do you?

What is it with all these gangster references?

I watched a documentary.

Lovely.

You told me to sort it, so I'm sorting it.

And I'm sorting it my way.

Whit, I'm back!

You all right?

Yeah. Are the kids behaving?

Yeah, good as gold.

Everything all right?

Martin's solicitor.

I thought you'd put a stop to that.

Yeah, so did I.

Oi!

What's this, citizen's arrest?

I'm not having you serving up to bin lids.

Yeah? The boss won't be happy.

I don't care what he says.

Get out, go on, get out.

Aidan.

I think it's about time me and you had a little chat, don't you?

You were a tad condescending.

Maybe it's what she needs.

You never listened to me about Mr Price.

SHE GROANS

She could do with the friends, I guess.

Exactly. Look, consider this community service.

She does your head in, don't she?

You'd never guess her mum's in the loony bin, her dad's an ex-con

and her gay brother knocked up her cousin, would ya?

Think she means well.

No. She wants to look like she means well.

There's a difference.

Why is it so hard to believe that me and Ted are just friends?

Cos he's a bloke.

And not all blokes are psychos or murderers, you know.

Well, you clearly ain't lived on the Square long enough, then, have you?

-I believe you.

-Really?

Why not? And you know what else?

I'm gonna get you out of here.

Must be hard for you.

You get used to it.

-Being surrounded by ghosts.

-I'll drink to that.

The Phoenix? Rising from the ashes, are you?

Yeah, well, I'm not turning everything into them.

Do you think it's a bit pretentious?

No, no, I like it.

No problem putting your own stamp on things, is there?

Right, I should get going. I hope you get things sorted out.

After waiting four hours for a 300 quid call-out,

I am expecting them to take me for dinner afterwards.

-300 quid?

-Yeah.

Well, they saw you coming, didn't they?

Oh, don't tell me. You can do it for cheaper?

HE SCOFFS

I could do it for a tonne.

And another drink when I'm done.

Well, I can hardly say no to a widower, can I? You're on.

Cheers, mate. See you in a bit.

-Oh, here we go.

-Yeah, here we go.

What the hell is this rubbish coming through my front door?

Well, they must have already sent it.

Stace, come on, be reasonable.

Hang on a minute.

You filed for divorce, you snuck into my house,

hacked into my computer and I'm the one who's unreasonable?

I promise you, I rang 'em straight away, I told 'em to stop everything.

Well, it clearly didn't work, did it?

Right, well, I'll sort it, I swear.

Bye, then.

You're looking well, Michael.

New moisturiser, takes years off you.

I'll have to take your word for that.

Never worked for me.

You know, my dad loved the arrows.

Used to say double top was his forte.

Yeah, I remember, used to teach me as a lad.

Yeah, I can see it now, father and son, applying for Bullseye.

People used to say we were very similar, you know.

Prison, the temper, the violence.

There was one way we did differ.

I always hit me mark.

Just follow my lead, yeah?

And three, two, one...

-Are you all right?

-Yeah, just off to get a bit of fresh air.

Be right back, won't we?

But we promised Karen...

Yeah, and I'm still with her, aren't I?

-We ain't gonna be long.

-Why don't we come with you?

Because we need a bit of fresh air, not hot air, all right?

-Just give the girl a bit of space a minute, woman!

-I'm fine, really.

We're just going to go get some munch, then we're gonna come back

and listen to Bex play her lovely guitar,

-that's what you wanted, innit, Bernie?

-Yeah...

-Sounds great.

-Oh!

I'll just go get it, then.

Now look what you've done!

Bex, I thought the strings were broken.

We crushed it. You're free.

What about my mum?

If she asks anything, I'll just say I was with you all day.

Why are you helping me? Is this a trick or something?

No, it ain't a trick.

I'd just... I'd rather help out someone I actually like,

than sit and hang out with discount Mean Girls.

Still, don't know why you'd want to sit and play board games

with some old man, but, you know, whatever bloats your goat.

Thanks.

Well, as long as he definitely ain't a paedo.

He definitely ain't a paedo.

I'm going to be late.

Then go!

All right, watch the hair.

There are just certain things I can't turn a blind eye to,

drugs being one of them.

There was a punter in here the other day, he was just a kid.

I can't say yes to that.

I hear you.

-Really?

-Yeah.

You're very fond of this place, aren't you?

It's my home.

Yeah, all that trouble with Linda.

She's a great girl.

She's the best, you know, but...

..if she finds out, you know, she can be quite irrational,

if you know what I mean...

Yeah, I think I understand.

Woman scorned and all that.

But she didn't get on her hobby horse

when she accepted stolen money for this place, now, did she?

What are you talking about?

You know what I'm talking about.

You know exactly who took my money.

I told you.

Fi Browning let us have the Vic back.

You know, it breaks my heart when you lie to me,

Michael, it really does.

Now, I may not have the proof yet, but I will.

And, in the meantime, you will repay me every single penny,

in any manner I see fit.

Am I making myself clear, son?

This isn't just my business. It's my home.

I dare say Vincent felt the same way about The Albert.

Didn't stop me taking it.

Look, it's simple.

Put an out-of-order sign over the toilet.

Keep your mouth shut.

No more bags of flour.

I think...I'm going to enjoy working here.

-How are you getting on?

-Yeah, nearly there.

Looks it.

Well, as far as I can see, nothing wrong with that alarm.

You must have a real ghost here.

And you know what they say about that, don't you? Slippery slope.

Yeah, I found it behind the bar earlier.

But I haven't even opened my stock yet.

Well, it sounds to me you need to get some CCTV put in here.

Do you mind if I have a drop of this, this apple juice?

Yeah, go ahead.

What, so, it happens the same time every morning, like clockwork?

Yeah, around 8.00.

Well, maybe it's not broken. Maybe it's just doing its job.

Did you say apple juice? No! Don't drink that!

Oh, that is disgusting!

-Ew!

-Ow!

Right, stand back. Right, I'm armed.

Out.

Now.

JACK SIGHS

Ted?

Great(!)

What time do you call this?

-CHUCKLING:

-It doesn't matter.

It's your move.

Well, I was walking past and I see that the door was open,

so I thought I better come in, you know,

check that you weren't being robbed.

Anyway, I must have knocked myself out, you know,

when I was looking under your desk.

With a sleeping bag?

All right, look, I just needed somewhere to get me head down, OK?

I'll pay you back for the booze.

Billy, it's pretty grim.

I didn't want to set off the alarms once I got in here.

If I was you, I'd call the police.

Give 'em my name, they'll bump you up the list.

Oh, that's nice, innit?

Kick a man while he's down.

I will not be calling the police.

Maybe some other time.

And what about my fee?

What, for telling me that it's not broken?

Here.

Call me.

Right, so we've got breaking and entering,

rough sleeping

and serious dehydration,

where would you like to start, Billy?

Oh, Teen. What is it?

I'm no good at all this domestic stuff.

Honestly, Mick. How do you do it?

How did you raise four gorgeous children

and I can't even manage one?

On a wing and a prayer, baby.

Yeah, and the rest! You and Linda are like superheroes.

Well, I don't know what my superpower would be.

Always landing on your feet.

No matter what life throws at you, you can't keep the good dog down.

No, I don't think that makes me a hero.

It does in my eyes. I gotta go. Do you want me to save you a slice?

Nah, I'm all right, Teen. I'll just lick the old bowl.

Move!

Who are you talking to?

You're making a big mistake.

Is that right, mug? Jay, cop for the door.

Come here, come here, get out!

If you disrespect my family again, I'll smash you to pieces.

Do you hear me? Go on.

Put the bat away, Mother.

My house, my rules.

You said be direct.

DOORBELL RINGS

Stinks of poo in here.

What do you think?

Vile.

Charming.

Right, sit down.

You can tell me exactly what is going on.

You're still here, then?

Shut up.

That's the trouble with you lot, innit, eh?

You don't like being pulled up on things

even when you've been caught out.

-Well, you know nothing.

-Yeah, I do.

And I know if I was you, I'd quit whilst I was ahead.

Won't be needing this, then, will you?

Give me that! Give me that!

What's the matter, big man?

Oi!

-You all right?

-Yeah, I'm fine.

Michael.

It would appear that we have a breakdown in communication.

Do you need me to go over our business arrangements again?

Well, if you'd entered my establishment

through the proper entrance,

then you'd have seen there's a sign above the door.

Says, "Mick Carter." You can't miss it.

HE LAUGHS

You nearly had me going there.

You know, for a minute, I thought you'd taken leave of your senses.

It sounded like as if you were disobeying me.

You don't get it, Michael, do you?

Maybe Elaine Peacock might understand?

Or your boy in Dover?

Or Nancy might get the message sooner.

In Australia, is it?

You see, Michael...

I am at the centre of a very large web.

You leave my family alone.

They'll be fine.

But cross me again

and there will be consequences.