02/03/2018 EastEnders

BABY CRIES

BABY CRIES

Hi...

-Where is my scratchcard?

-In there...

Why do you keep putting my things in your bag?

I've got my bag. You've got your bag.

Ah... Very good.

At least you're honest.

Er...

I don't know...

-You all right?

-Yeah, I thought he'd be six feet under by now.

Tomorrow.

Not till I've redressed the body.

His sister wants him buried in navy blue.

II can give you a hand if, if you need...

Well, I thought they creeped you out?

Face your fears an' all that.

Well, thank you, mate, but you're doing enough.

Lovely, my office next, then, yeah?

How have you got 9,500 followers?

I give the people what they want.

And it's 10,000, actually.

Looks like you're losing touch.

-CLEARS THROAT:

-Right...

You really think a selfie in here's going to break the internet?

Our pretty faces will be viral by tea-time.

Only one thing that's viral round here, love.

Right, we need to take another one. Lighting was bad.

Tiff, you're blocking the door.

All right, Kath, don't give yourself a prolapse.

They say the apple never falls far from the tree.

What, do you need some apples, or something?

No, I meant you're just like your mother.

Oh, I know, right.

Don't act like you're bothered.

Who's bothered?

-You're out of order.

-What did I do?

-I don't think it's my place to say, is it, Munter?

-Hunter.

Whatevs. Come on, then, why's she got the hump with him?

Why are you so bothered?

I've got a gift when it comes to playing Cupid.

I got my mum and dad remarried, didn't I?

-Remind me how that's going again.

-Whit and Halfway.

-Down to me.

-Oh, yeah.

I just know when people are destined to be together.

And Lou and Munter - they're next.

I just need the full story.

Uh-hmm... OK...

..enough about you, Dee, yeah?

Um...

..I've got something that I want to tell you.

Can we meet in the caff? Like, in an hour?

Well, it's something that I want to tell you in person.

Ground control to Linda Carter...

Sorry.

Sorry, I was miles away...

That punter over there.

He's ordered a pint and he's hardly taken a sip.

-And?

-Well, it's obvious, isn't it?

He's done it to blend in.

He's got to keep his wits about him.

I reckon he's plain clothes, waiting for Dr DibDab to start

selling his gear.

-Just looks like just another punter to me.

-D'ya think someone's tipped them off?

Well, if they have, it's about time.

What, d'ya think one of the regulars would have stuck their neck out?

There's no shortage of busybodies round here.

-Probably Carmel, she was only in here yesterday.

-You think?

Yeah. I do. And d'ya know what?

If she has, I'd shake her by the hand and give her a drink on the house.

Linda, snitches get what's coming to them.

What makes you the expert?

I just pray...that nobody finds out about this.

For all our sakes.

I mainly have anniversary and birthday cards, you know...

Well, I've got this, "Congrats, you've passed your exams"?

It's a bit late for that... I'll just take this one.

Yeah...and...

..what about...

..deepest sympathy? Have you got any of those knocking about?

Oh, no. Has something happened?

Not yet.

Well, I must get some commemoration cards, y'know.

It's pretty sensible, Kim, living round here.

-You never know what's going to happen.

-Yeah...

No, no, no,...

Yes, listen, at Coker & Sons

we offer a platinum service to all our customers,

absolutely...

Penny for your thoughts...

Doubt they're worth that much.

Well, you can't be thinking about me, then, can you?

SHE CHUCKLES

It's this terrible smell.

I just cannot seem to shift it.

-Know what I mean?

-Spiced rum and coke, and a pint for my mate...

When you're ready, Grandad.

And stick it on a tab, yeah?

Can I get you a refill?

No, ta.

Oh, to be young

and rich enough to spend 90 quid on a gram of rat poison, eh?

It's a good job you never.

-Can't even handle your beer...

-Why are you so chipper today?

Actually...

Any chance of a bite to eat?

We're not doing food.

Oh, some pork scratchings will have to do, then. And my usual.

Don't forget the water this time, please.

Sorry, um, you were going to say something, baby...

It can wait...

HE SIGHS

Sorry about this, mate.

All right? Nice...

You could have got the drinks in, couldn't ya.

Sorry. Pearl, do you need to go to the toilet?

-Everything OK?

-Yeah, just...

Give me two minutes.

Yeah. Come on, now...

-Potty training...

-I want Daddy...

Yeah, Daddy's going to come, yeah... Just come on... Let's go this way...

That's my niece for ya... Can I get two teas, then, please, Kathy?

Yeah, coming up...

Now, what are you doin' interfering with a dead body? That's someone's grandad in there!

It's not what it looks like... Get out of my way.

You ain't leaving here till I get an explanation.

Aidan.

If he finds I ain't buried that, I'll be in the ground with it.

I don't want Aidan anywhere near this place.

-Do you hear me?

-Understood...

What is it?

Aidan ain't a man you want to mess with, you know?

Don't you think I know that?

So you tell him the job's done, you steer clear from him

-and I'll sort it out for ya.

-And why would you do that?

Do you want my help or not?

Y'know, I like this seat.

You should consider putting up a reserved sign here.

You don't intimidate me.

I'll have to try harder, then, won't I?

Where are you going?

You all right? Something seem a bit off to you?

I dunno what you mean...

-POLICE!

-STAY WHERE YOU ARE!

SIT DOWN, HANDS ON THE BAR.

Who's the guv'nor here?

DI Ross, CID.

We've got a warrant to search the premises.

Could've given me the heads up, mate.

I'm arresting you on suspicion of supplying cocaine, a class A drug.

You do not have to say anything, but if you do not mention,

when questioned, something which you later rely on in court...

Anything you do say, may be given in evidence.

Do you understand?

-I understand.

-I want this lot searched.

And use the toilets.

Take them outside...

SIRENS WAIL

Wasn't too bad... Sit down over there, please...

'Ere, there's something going on over at the Vic.

"Oh, is there, Kathy? That's nice."

-Where's Denise?

-Dunno, she just left...

Get off me... Don't touch me... Don't touch me... Get off...

Aidan's going to want answers.

It's no less then he deserves.

L, please tell me it wasn't you.

He was holding our child, Mick. In our own home.

What was I supposed to do?

Anyway, it's over now, that's all that matters, innit?

We're taking them down the station.

May have to come back and take a statement off you later.

-And that's it?

-That's it.

I'll be seeing you. Right?!

SIRENS WAIL

DOOR RATTLES

Dee? Dee, come on, man, it's cold out here, y'know!

"I'm sorry we're not sisters, but I still love ya."

You-You really, you think that was the best way telling me, do ya?

Listen, look, you've got the wrong end of the stick.

Look, two cards for two different outcomes...

I just found the letter today, man.

Look, I haven't even had a chance to open it, look...

Come on, man...

Can you please let us in?

Your niece is out here...

BANGS DOOR

Oh, hello, Pearl.

Go and look what's in there.

-You...

-Me?

You've-You've got a real knack for, like...

..overcomplicating things, d'ya know that?

Well, I would say it's a family trait, but you know what,

I don't want to jinx it.

Listen, whatever happens, yeah...

..we can just get drunk.

-You know what?

-What?

-I'd rather not, actually...

What are you saying?

I'm saying...

..that whatever's in that letter...

I don't want to know.

OK?

So, you said sorry yet?

To Lou.

She don't deserve to get mugged off. Y'know her mum's in the nut house?

-Have a bit of sensitivity, yeah?

-What you talking about?

I'm just trying to help you out.

This whole dating thing can be quite confusing for us girls.

Like, I thought I was dating Craig Young in the year above,

but turns out I was just holding his coat while he necked on with Vicky Edkinson.

So, lesson learned - don't hold the coat.

Look, I know that you're trying to pull off this whole

silent, sexy thing but it just ain't fair on Lou.

-So if you do like her, then...

-I don't.

Brutal. I like it.

It will probably make it easier, to be fair.

Y'know, when you tell her. She'll hate you,

but that just means she'll probably get over you quicker.

Cruel to be kind.

You really love the sound of your own voice, don't ya?

It's 2018, mistreating women... we don't stand for it no more.

All right?!

So you either man up and apologise, or face the consequences.

So, how long ago did we take that test?

Ages, right?

-So?

-So, has anything changed between us?

Well, you're getting more uptight.

And you're getting more on my wick.

Sounds like sisters to me.

I don't need some silly bit of paper to convince ME that we're related.

OK.

OK.

So...

..I vote that we put this away and pretend that we never even saw it.

Sure.

Right, I'll get the champagne flutes, then.

There's no point that stuff going to waste, is there?

Munter over here said he ain't interested.

I think he's playing you, Lou. Hashtag TheMunterGames.

I really don't know what you're talking about.

Are you going to stand for this?

Stand for what? And why are you filming me?

Right, so you DO like her, then?

Or are you just toying around with her

like some little Christian Grey with your little school tie?

If he asks you to go to his red room, don't go.

What, are you calling her a minger now?

Cos she's got self-confidence issues, ain't that right, Lou?

I'll give YOU an issue in a minute.

She was burnt in a fire and now you're giving her grief, like,

"Oh, I ain't interested,"

like she's some sort of Freddy Kruger or summit?

-Tiff, that's enough!

-What, I'm just helping clear the air!

There's nothing to clear!

You want to become a YouTube star,

go sleep with a footballer or something.

But you leave ME out of it.

-Result!

-Really? Cos that was the worst matchmaking I've ever seen.

People love a, y'know, "will they or won't they"...

She said not to post anything.

And mentioning about the fire, that was out of order.

Yeah, I told yer, I'll change the names.

I tried calling you earlier.

I dropped my phone down the toilet last night, didn't I?

They say a bag of rice is good for that.

That favour.

All dead and buried?

Yeah, it's gone.

You'd better hope it is. Did you look?

In the box?

Course not...

You're a rubbish liar, kid.

Nothing gets past me.

You'd do well to remember that.

So what do we do now, plan W?

Not really a time for jokes, Mother.

I'm not joking. We said no police.

-He don't even know it was us.

-Well, does it matter?

Cos he's going to think it is, now, thanks to you.

Oh, you knew and all, did you?

Well, I'm sorry I couldn't stop this ball rolling.

So I was the only one who didn't know this gaff

was going to get raided.

He's going to know it was someone in here that grassed.

Yeah? And so what? Right, because someone had to.

After everything we've been through...

-Do you think he'll care about that?

-I'm protecting us!

-You should try the same.

-Protecting us? Give me a break.

Pipe down! Pipe down, will ya, you're doing me swede in.

-But, Mick...

-Just shut up a minute! Just...

All right? Just shut up.

Here's what we're going to do.

He's going to know it was one of us.

I know you meant well.

But we've got ourselves in a bit of a situation.

We've got to think about the consequences.

-So I'm going to wear it.

-Mick, you can't...

-No.

No. This is my mess.

PHONE BEEPS

Oh! Carmel.

Vic's been raided.

Great.

SHE SIGHS Kim...

I still don't get why she lied.

Whether it's for our entire childhood, or just that day,

Mum lied to us.

Well, who knows what goes on inside that woman's head?

Why are you even defending her?

-Don't you think what she did was cruel?

-Of course I do.

But like I said before,

why let our entire relationship be dictated by a bit of paper?

SHE CHUCKLES

You, you know that this is what she'd have wanted, right?

For us to just turn on each other.

-But why?!

-Because she's jealous, Kim!

Because she's jealous of how close we are.

Now, whether it's true or not,

by opening that, we just play right into her little game.

And I ain't doing that again.

Not this time.

But you might have a whole different family out there.

Doesn't that bother you?

You are my family, Kim.

You, and Pearl, and Patrick...

..and Chelsea and Libby, when they feel like dropping in.

And we might not be all conventional,

and all related by blood...

..but we're there for each other, you know?

When we need to be.

And when it comes down to it,

that is all that matters.

She was always jealous, wasn't she?

You know what?

Let's destroy this.

Yeah.

You tell him it was you,

and he'll kill ya.

Maybe I can appeal to his better nature.

Ah, whiskey and a drop of water Michael, if you please.

I'd come to the bar, except my leg is giving me gyp.

You don't have to do this, Mick, tell him it was me...

Oh, leave off, you're having a bubble, ain't ya?

Ah, perfect.

And while you're here, how about an explanation?

Sit down.

A phone call to the police from inside these four walls, Michael.

The whole day,

it was a bit of a mess.

We're going to make it work, you know?

We're going to make it work for everybody.

Give me a name.

Me.

I rang the old bill.

Outside. Now.

He's lying.

It was me that called the old bill.

Mother, what are you doing?

Confessing my sins, like the good catholic I am.

-HE CHUCKLES MIRTHLESSLY

-Oh, I'm Spartacus!

-Enough of these games.

-You know the boy can't take you on.

-Oh, and you can?

-Yeah.

HE LAUGHS

Come on...

Officer Kathleen Montrose.

That was her name.

The woman I spoke to on the phone last night.

She didn't sound more than 30, and she weren't from round here,

-she was northern...

-Linda!

-No, Mick.

It was me.

All right? And I'd do it again.

Every time you show your face in here,

I'll be straight on that phone, do you hear me?

You can't do this, right, you can't terrorise us in our own home.

Knew I'd use this for something other than

shredding my bank statements.

That's organised of you.

Oh, no, I don't read them. Don't open them.

Just shred them...

Yeah. How foolish of me. Right.

Right...you ready?

-Yeah.

-Yeah. OK.

Oh, hold on a minute.

GLOOMY TECHNO LOOP

Thought I'd play this to just lighten the mood. Can we...

Can we just, sort of... just get on with it, shall we?

Switch it off?

MUSIC STOPS OK.

MACHINE WHIRS Sorry...

Sorry, sorry....

Spasm... My arm...

SHE SIGHS

KNOCKING AT DOOR

Do you know, my heart can't take this!

-Oh!

-Hiya!

Funny, we were just talking about you earlier.

Mm! I thought my ears were burning.

-Yeah.

-All good things, I hope.

Yes! Yes! Absolutely.

-Absolutely. Ain't that right, Kim?

-Ah, Kim.

Yeah...

Look, er...

Kim found the DNA results.

The ones that...say whether or not we're really sisters.

I see. And?

And...we've decided not to open them.

And as I've explained to my sister, earlier...

..we're still family!

All of us.

-Damn right, too.

-Yeah! HE CHUCKLES

Kim?

You didn't!

Well?

Just tell me!

Oh.

Oh, so...

OK.

Right.

Well, it's like we said, you know, innit?

We're still sisters.

SHE STARTS TO GIGGLE

I was kidding.

We're sisters!

You what?!

Look, I just wanted to see how much you cared.

Kim!

-Look!

-Oh!

GIGGLING

Oh, you...! Come here!

Hold on, hold on...

MUSIC STARTS AGAIN

CHEERING AND LAUGHING

I never doubted it for a minute.

Behind every great man, eh?

Well, now you know what it's like when you let your dog off the lead.

What did you say?

I bet that pretty face of yours has got you out of trouble in the past.

Shame to see it messed up.

You don't talk to her like that.

Oh!

Backbone, eh?

You heard what she said.

This is our home.

You ain't welcome.

You owe me.

We owe you sweet FA.

This is business.

This ain't business.

This is about you filling in your time

cos you ain't got nothing better to do, or anyone to do it with.

So the next time one of your boys comes in here,

I will personally iron him out.

Do you hear me?

Loud and clear, son.

If you've got anything else to add?

No.

I think I'll leave that to the missus. L?

Get out of my pub.

Oh, what a shame.

And there I was thinking there was some hope for you.

But...you lie to me.

You steal from me.

Now you grass on me.

I call that three strikes.

Now, I'll let you think about this.

Next week, your time is up.

But when I return,

I want a drink on that counter with every bit of money you owe me.

And a very public apology.

Over my dead body.

That may well be the case, Michael.

Every penny.

Or you are a dead man.