20/03/2018 EastEnders


20/03/2018

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Nan? That was Martin's.

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I want an armband.

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Go and brush your teeth, Lil.

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That flaming door.

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Why are you so jumpy?

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It's the shock waves.

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See if them skinflints get the message now.

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Trouble, what you doing? You all right?

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Uh, teeth.

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Teeth.

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You all right?

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I just thought I'd come round.

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You know, see if anything needed doing. Is this mine?

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Uh, yeah, it's the grief.

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Right, well, I'm just glad I wasn't in it.

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How you getting on with the donations page?

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Well, we're barely over 400 quid.

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Hasn't changed since last night.

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-We're never going to raise five grand.

-In a day.

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-A day?

-Bel rung when you was in the bath, Kat's coming tomorrow.

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-Martin, you're clever, help us.

-No, Nan, we're fine.

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Well, if you need 5K, you're gonna need more than my help, ain't ya?

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So why don't I go and grab as many people as I can and get them round here.

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-No, we've been round the houses.

-No, but I'm talking about getting heads together, Stace,

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-you know, coming up with ideas.

-Martin, I can handle this.

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Let him do it.

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I'll take the kids round Carmel's, free you up,

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then I'll go knocking on doors.

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Come on, let me help ya, Stace.

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It's about Kat, not me.

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Yeah.

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I know that.

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BABY CRIES

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All night. No break.

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-Crying and crying.

-What?

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Crying and crying.

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Yeah, I was too by 5am.

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We were just minutes away from leaving for our special place.

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Which wasn't so special after all.

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-Don't remind me, she's still not talking to me.

-Hmm.

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The only way I can make it up to her is by soothing this baby.

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Yeah, well, I can help, I've got years of experience.

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Tamwar didn't stop crying until he was about 19.

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Hmm, but we got there in the end.

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BABY CRIES

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So how long have you got this baby for exactly?

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HE SIGHS

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You all came? I'm proper chuffed.

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-As if we wouldn't.

-God bless you all.

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-SHARON: So where's Dot?

-She's lighting more candles.

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Right, well, I'll grab her later.

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So what can we do for you, Stace?

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Well, basically Kat is being brought here tomorrow.

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KNOCK AT DOOR

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-She's early.

-Why don't you shut up.

-Robbie!

-I'll get it.

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Look, I'm really not ready to see her

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if you can even call that seeing her.

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-Sorry.

-Oh, it's Mr Scotch eggs.

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No, but we've hit a bit of a snag.

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Well, actually, it's quite a big one.

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Basically, we, erm...

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We can't afford to bury Kat.

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We haven't got the money, and no-one has, so...

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There's just an unmarked pauper's grave just sitting there waiting for her...

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So is there anything anyone can think of to help us, you know, raise the money?

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In a day? As in one day?

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-What are you, parrot?

-Anyone?

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-We ain't at school.

-Ian?

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-Where are you going to put her when she gets here?

-How is that helping?

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Well, what I would really love is for her to be here,

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in the front room, in a coffin, with us.

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But we ain't got that cos coffins cost a fortune.

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-Don't grow on trees, you know.

-They're made of them, though.

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Look, I've got an appointment to get to, all right. I'm really sorry.

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That's handy, innit?

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Hold up, why don't we have a big night in the Vic?

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-We've only got tonight, Mick.

-So that's the night we do it.

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-Well, when you say a big night, what...?

-You know, like a do, a thing.

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-We're always having some sort of turn out in there, ain't we?

-Tonight's not a good night for me.

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-Well, we could do karaoke?

-Fiver a song.

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-Oh, it needs to be bigger than that, Whitney.

-Well, a tenner, then.

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No, I think what Sharon means is that it's got to be something unmissable.

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-You know, we need the Vic rammed.

-It's like Kat's guiding you two.

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So, we got the venue. What else do we need?

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-We've got the booze.

-Well, it's just the food.

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-Over to you, Ian.

-What? No, no, I didn't...

-SHIRLEY:

-Cheers, Beale.

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Nothing better than free nosh.

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There you go, Stace, it's all coming together lovely, eh?

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Let's put our swedes together, let's come up with the greatest show on earth.

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Mate, it's Jay from Cokers.

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Listen, I might be wrong,

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but you had that woman whose husband pulled through?

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You did! Brilliant.

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Yeah, all right, me and my mate will be round in a minute.

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All right, mate. Ta, ta. Bye, bye, bye.

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-I'm guessing I'm the mate.

-Yep.

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-C'mon then, clock's ticking. Come on!

-All right!

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Sharon left that before she went to Dot's.

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-We're going to do this, we are, I promise.

-Stace?

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-Come on, Stace, read 'em.

-All right.

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OK.

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-Paintballing...

-In the Vic?

-What string said that?

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Come on, Stace.

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-This is a good one. Meat raffle.

-Yeah, I like that one.

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Whose idea was that?

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Oh, at school, are we?

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I know a bloke on the market that knows a bloke that knows a bloke.

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-What sort of meat?

-Well, meat's meat, innit?

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-You've seen enough of it.

-ROBBIE SNIGGERS

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Read another one, Stace.

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Uh...

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Wet T-shirt competition.

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Oh, Walford's Got Talent.

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Oh, I love that one! That's a good one, innit?

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-I love that one, yeah.

-That was your idea, weren't it?

-Maybe.

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-Any more?

-Erm...

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-Do an auction.

-Of what though?

-Of anything, anything you like.

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I mean, I dunno, what about a meal at Ian's restaurant when it opens.

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-Yeah, that's cordon bleu cooking.

-Fine dining for two. Kushty, yeah.

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-Bet you my meat makes more money.

-Bet you it don't.

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Game on. Loser gets a smack in the mouth.

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-Oh, bring it on, Shirl.

-All right. Enough, you two.

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Anyone else?

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Yeah, me.

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I was up west the other morning and I really needed a wee,

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so I went into this pub.

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It was only like half nine, but they were doing this life drawing class.

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Is this, like, going anywhere or...?

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Apart from going to the loo?

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Well, it was packed.

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What I'm saying is people were paying more than 20 quid to get in.

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So auction what exactly?

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Me.

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I'll pose starkers and then people have to buy a ticket tonight,

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and, if they don't, they don't get in to see the class.

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-Are you sure, Whit?

-Yeah, she's sure.

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-Mo should do it, shouldn't she?

-You perv, Beale.

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No, as a tribute for Kat. I mean, it's fitting. Poetic.

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There ain't no poetry in my folds.

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No, it's all right, Whit. I'll do it.

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Well, hold up. Let's have a little chat about it, eh?

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No, no, no. I'm comfortable with it. So you can put that up for grabs.

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And I'll tell you what, it's exactly what Kat would've done.

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-She'd have put the goods on show.

-What's next, Stace?

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Right, last one.

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Uh...

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You ain't getting in unless you're wearing leopard print

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and pay an entry fee.

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Yeah, well, you know, the night's about Kat,

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-so should be a sense of her in that, you know.

-That's nice.

-Mick, that's lovely.

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-How much to get in?

-Well, I dunno. What, a ching, what?

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-How about 50?

-Nan!

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-IAN:

-Look, let's not get carried away here. I mean, we need to let people know.

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We need to sort of like spread the word and advertise it.

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Well, Tina's got a bike. You can borrow that. Get round the Square quicker.

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-All right, so I'm doing the advertising, the food, a meal?

-Give the man a medal.

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Calm down, we'll all get involved. We'll get the flyers printed.

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-We'll sell it like the royal wedding.

-Ian's got a point, though. Can we really do this?

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I mean, aren't we already a little bit too late?

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That's the Dunkirk spirit.

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Let's all give up and go jump in the sea.

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I didn't want to do this but I'm begging.

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Make an old woman proud, eh?

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-Well, I'm in.

-Yeah, same.

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-Yeah, no, let's have it, eh, let's have it.

-Yeah.

-All right.

-Thank you all so much.

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The obituary. We've still got time to get it into the Gazette.

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We could spread the word for tonight.

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-Look, we ain't... We ain't even got the money for that.

-Oh.

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-Well...

-I'm sure I've got something.

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-There's an apple, there.

-That's the spirit.

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There you go, there's another little score there.

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Oh, look, here you are.

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-Ready?

-Where we going now?

-Home delivery.

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Can't they come and collect it?

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Bend your knees and mind your back.

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40, 45, 50.

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DOORBELL RINGS

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PHONE RINGS

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Shut up you damn thing!

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PHONE RINGS MO SIGHS

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C'mon, keep ticking.

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Dunno why I'm even doing this. Kat has never given me the time of day.

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What, you telling me you never...?

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Never what?

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Never fancied her?

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What, me and Kat?

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Oh, I reckon you and Kat would have been interesting.

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Well, she may have slipped underneath my radar once or twice.

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But you never... You know?

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-No, no, she was with Alfie, obviously!

-Right, yeah.

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-And that's the only thing that stopped you, is it?

-Yeah.

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Yeah, and obviously the fact I'd have to talk to her.

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Yeah, that's true, Slaters do go on a bit, don't they?

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There's one way of shutting them up.

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You knew all about that.

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Yeah.

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Still do.

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But you and Stacey aren't together?

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Well, I mean we are and we aren't.

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Oh, I see, that's why you've been grinning from ear to ear since you got here.

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It was the best ever.

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I mean, I'm buzzing Ian, I'm on fire.

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You ever felt like that?

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Yeah. Yeah, course.

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One minute I'm comforting her and then the next...

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-I thought she was devastated?

-Yeah, she was. Massively.

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But, I don't know, it must have just sparked something, you know?

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You do know this is not real, don't you?

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Yeah.

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Yeah, course.

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Don't go making it into something it ain't.

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I'm just saying, I don't want loads of pervs piping at ya.

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Well, you didn't mind 20 years ago.

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Well, maybe I did and I didn't say anything.

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You know, we were younger then.

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Oh. Oh, I get it now.

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-What you're really saying is that you think I'm too old.

-Oh, shut up. You look double strong.

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It was all right when everything was perky and I didn't have crow's feet,

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-but now you're thinking that people won't buy tickets.

-Why are you twisting it into that?

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Well, tell me that I'm wrong.

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I should be the only person that sees how beautiful, gorgeous and special you are.

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-That's it.

-Aw, well, you will when you buy a ticket and a pencil.

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Come on, Teen, nearly there, just a few more steps.

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What's that?

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Meat.

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-As promised.

-Well, what is it? Hippo?

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-You know, a thank you would be nice.

-We're going to get a reputation. What if someone eats that and dies?

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-Then we throw another big night for them.

-I swear there's a pulse.

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Is that the Gazette?

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Can you give me the best price on an obituary?

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Careful it might bite.

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-Seriously. What is it?

-Why don't you ever trust me?

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-I don't want to get closed down over this.

-That is not a horse.

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Did you see any hooves?

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All right, I want to talk to the geezer you got it off.

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-What's his number.

-It's a bloke that knows a bloke.

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-Not a jockey is he?

-Oh, will you stop it.

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That is 100% cow.

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Or pig.

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-What do you reckon?

-Oh, Don.

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She would've loved that.

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I just didn't ever think people would be like this.

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Well, it's called community and, you know what,

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I'm glad to know it's still around.

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It's going to be heaving in the Vic tonight, you'll see.

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Thought I retired from all this.

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Retired? Don't you mean fired from all this?

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Well, Stace? What do you reckon? Do you like it?

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Well, I don't know if like it is the right word,

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but I don't understand, Jay, I ain't got the money.

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Well, it's a good job you ain't gotta pay for it then, innit?

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-Ain't someone going to be missing it?

-No. A woman's donated it.

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Her husband rallied round in the end, so...

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-Can we talk about this later? Only it ain't half heavy.

-I'll help, Billy.

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Are you sure, Jay?

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Yeah, I mean, I know it ain't the one you'd want, Stace,

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but it's a good'un, you know, 900 quid's worth.

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Yeah, and what with this and the donations page,

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you're only going to need three and a half grand.

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Well, then I love it.

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If you can love a coffin, that is.

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-Where do you want it, Stace?

-Just in the front room please, Bill.

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-Here y'are.

-Oh, here you are.

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-The stand for this is in the funeral parlour, all right?

-All right.

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-Ready?

-Ready.

-Right.

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Thank you.

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BABY SCREAMS

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Come on, Harley, enough's enough, time for a rest, little one.

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Try the bottle of milk again.

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Hello, handsome, who's this, then?

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Oh, he's got some lungs on him.

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We think he's having withdrawal symptoms.

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His mum's an addict. He's got heroin pulsing through his veins.

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-Oh, won't be milk he wants, then.

-Mm.

-Poor little love.

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I'm the same when someone nicks my biscuits.

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Yes, I am. Yeah. I'm the same.

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-PHONE PLAYS MUSIC

-You don't take my biscuits. No.

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BABY STOPS CRYING Shh.

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-Listen.

-He's stopped.

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Oh, bless him, he's nodded off.

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You see that? That's a woman's touch.

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Any time you want more, just give us a whistle.

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-If Mariam asks, I calmed the baby.

-Why's that then?

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You saw her yesterday. You saw the rage in her eyes.

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Are you sure people are going to want to buy cakes?

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-They're Kat cakes.

-Alcohol is banned in this house.

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So, better get rid of it quick.

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Shouldn't one of us stay sober?

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Yeah, cos that oven's really dangerous. Just neck it.

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-Shirley, slow down.

-Yeah, it's going to end in mayhem.

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You know, Kat weren't my favourite cup of tea,

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but you gotta say this - life was never dull when she was around.

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Mm. It's always the lively ones that go first.

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Who do you reckon's going to be next?

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What sort of sick question is that, Tina?

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I'm just saying, you know, you can make all the plans in the world,

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but it don't mean a thing when your number's up.

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You know, I was having quite a nice time until you opened your gob.

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Well, it ain't me, is it? It's God.

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You know, he looks down and then he points at someone,

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and you never know who he's going to pick next.

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Well, hopefully he won't spot us if we're all under the table.

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THEY LAUGH

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-Ain't her colour.

-What?

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-She'd hate it.

-We ain't gotta take it back, have we?

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-No, she don't mean it.

-I do, Stace.

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Look, I know you've got this special idea of what Kat would want,

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but we ain't got a choice.

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It's not her, I know it, and you know it. S'cuse me.

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It's your call, Stace.

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It's staying.

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I'll sort her out.

0:17:470:17:49

-Right, well, shall we make a move, then?

-Yeah, yeah.

0:17:520:17:54

Jay, you're an angel.

0:17:540:17:56

-That's all right, Stace.

-Thank you.

0:17:560:17:58

That's all right, don't worry about it.

0:17:580:18:00

Do you think we should throw a sheet over it or something?

0:18:070:18:09

Hide it from Lil.

0:18:090:18:12

Stace?

0:18:120:18:14

Come here.

0:18:140:18:16

Hey, look, if this is too much...

0:18:170:18:19

No.

0:18:250:18:27

This is going to be the best send-off ever.

0:18:270:18:29

Remember, I got him off to sleep.

0:18:340:18:37

Mum's the word.

0:18:370:18:38

MASOOD GASPS

0:18:380:18:40

BABY CRIES

0:18:400:18:41

We need Karen.

0:18:410:18:43

Arshad is that you?

0:18:430:18:45

Yes, just popped back in for a blanket.

0:18:450:18:48

Shhh. Please, please, quiet.

0:18:480:18:51

PHONE RINGS

0:18:550:18:58

Be there, all right? It's gonna be the best party ever.

0:19:070:19:10

Here you are.

0:19:100:19:12

Thanks.

0:19:150:19:17

-Stace...

-Martin, I am not going there.

0:19:200:19:22

-All right, I've got too much on.

-Well, I've not said anything yet.

0:19:220:19:25

-You've been saying it all morning.

-Have I?

0:19:250:19:27

Yeah, three little words.

0:19:270:19:29

Dot's kitchen table.

0:19:290:19:32

I thought the legs were going to fall off.

0:19:320:19:34

Look, it should never have happened.

0:19:370:19:40

Right, I can't even think about me and you right now.

0:19:400:19:44

I don't even know if there is a me and you.

0:19:440:19:47

Yeah, and I didn't expect you to.

0:19:490:19:53

No, I'm just saying, you know, that I get it.

0:19:530:19:55

You don't have to worry about us.

0:19:550:19:58

-Grief sex is just that, innit? It's grief sex.

-Shh.

0:19:580:20:01

Keep your voice down.

0:20:010:20:03

And what makes you think it was grief sex?

0:20:030:20:05

-I mean, what is the difference between that and...

-Married sex?

-Yeah.

0:20:050:20:09

I think we found out yesterday.

0:20:090:20:12

You're an idiot.

0:20:120:20:14

-BABY CRIES

-Hey, lungs, it's me.

0:20:150:20:18

Yeah, your fave.

0:20:180:20:20

Who's a cheeky chappie, eh?

0:20:200:20:22

See, it's not the woman's touch after all.

0:20:220:20:24

Oh, just give it time, will you, handsome.

0:20:240:20:26

You know, let me work my magic.

0:20:260:20:28

And would you stop looking down my top when I'm bent over him.

0:20:280:20:32

Oi.

0:20:320:20:34

Cheeky, cheeky, cheeky choo.

0:20:340:20:36

Cheeky, cheeky, choo.

0:20:360:20:38

Maybe he needs a fix.

0:20:400:20:42

That's a terrible thing to say. GRIME MUSIC PLAYS

0:20:420:20:45

Oi, oi, Keegan! Keegan!

0:20:450:20:49

-What?

-Will you turn that down, will ya?

0:20:490:20:52

MUSIC FADES BABY CRIES

0:20:540:20:58

It's the music, I think he likes the music.

0:20:580:21:01

That's music?

0:21:010:21:03

Keegan, Keegan! Turn it back up!

0:21:030:21:07

-You just said...

-Full volume! Now!

0:21:070:21:10

-Hey!

-Ey!

0:21:150:21:17

Result. And cheaper than smack.

0:21:170:21:20

Fat Elvis, it's me. I'm back in the area.

0:21:220:21:26

What you going to give me for a coffin?

0:21:260:21:30

Brand-new, no previous owner.

0:21:310:21:35

-Nan?

-I'll call you back.

0:21:350:21:38

-What you doing?

-Wow, cool!

-No, Lily, that's not cool.

0:21:410:21:46

-Go and take your coat off.

-It's got woodworm.

0:21:460:21:49

STACEY SIGHS Nan, what is it about this coffin?

0:21:490:21:52

It's like it's everyone's funeral.

0:21:520:21:54

-She's our Kat, not theirs.

-No, Nan.

0:21:540:21:58

She's always going to be ours.

0:21:580:22:00

It's just that, you know, we needed help, and, God love 'em, they delivered.

0:22:000:22:05

It should be our way.

0:22:050:22:06

Us Slater girls should be picking out the coffin,

0:22:060:22:09

decking out Kat in the right clothes,

0:22:090:22:11

they don't know her, not like we do.

0:22:110:22:14

Well, I'm sorry, Nan, if you think I ain't got it right,

0:22:140:22:17

but I am trying my best.

0:22:170:22:20

Here she is. Eating alone. Cute.

0:22:330:22:36

Shut up, it's what I do these days.

0:22:360:22:38

Yeah, well, you don't have to. I'm here now.

0:22:380:22:42

Yeah, well I'm off boys. They're useless. They never show up when they're meant to.

0:22:420:22:45

-Well, lucky I'm a man, then.

-Cute.

0:22:450:22:48

-Maybe if you come back in ten years.

-Nah, but seriously...

0:22:480:22:51

Save it, Keegan, I like someone else.

0:22:510:22:54

Yeah, but Hunter's got problems.

0:22:540:22:56

Just leave him to it.

0:22:560:22:58

Problems?

0:22:580:23:00

It's private, man stuff.

0:23:000:23:02

Yeah, well, I grew up with Hunter, and we shared everything.

0:23:020:23:05

So spill.

0:23:050:23:07

BABY CRIES

0:23:090:23:12

-You ready?

-No.

0:23:120:23:15

MUSIC: From The Outside by Wiley

0:23:190:23:20

# I've been in the wrong system The wrong territory for way too long

0:23:200:23:23

# If I say it's right and I show it to Johnny

0:23:230:23:25

# Looks back at me like it sounds wrong... #

0:23:250:23:27

-I think it's working.

-Sorry?

0:23:270:23:29

I said I think it's working!

0:23:290:23:31

# I go macho on people eediat tunes cos really Wiley goes in

0:23:310:23:34

# I'm torn between catering for me and the fans, I'm going mad

0:23:340:23:37

# I only hear my big hits where people go to get tans. #

0:23:370:23:40

-How much are they charging on the door tonight?

-Tenner I think.

0:23:400:23:43

Can't help but think I missed an opportunity there.

0:23:430:23:46

-Ian!

-Well, who was Kat anyway?

0:23:460:23:48

I mean, she's just some loud-mouthed tart,

0:23:480:23:50

I mean, so why's everybody helping her out?

0:23:500:23:52

Didn't do it for me. So what's the difference between me and her?

0:23:520:23:55

Well, Stacey probably. And this is for her, Ian.

0:23:550:23:57

Surely even you can see that?

0:23:570:24:00

Hunter.

0:24:040:24:05

You going in the Vic later? They're letting anyone in, any age.

0:24:050:24:09

Not sure I want to celebrate a dead person.

0:24:090:24:12

I'm not being funny, right, but that's what people should do.

0:24:120:24:15

They should make something of it, don't you think?

0:24:150:24:18

What's that?

0:24:210:24:22

You won't get in without it.

0:24:250:24:27

-Eh!

-They're really hard.

-They're rock cakes.

0:24:390:24:42

Yeah, that started off as fairy cakes.

0:24:420:24:44

THEY LAUGH

0:24:440:24:46

-Is that the meat for the raffle?

-Well, it ain't your dancing partner.

0:24:480:24:52

-It's all green round the edges, Shirley.

-Nah, it's the light in here.

-No, it is green, look!

0:24:520:24:56

There's something wrong with your eyes!

0:24:560:24:58

Rest in peace, whatever you are.

0:24:580:25:01

This is the most fun I've ever had when someone died.

0:25:030:25:05

It's only a piece of meat, Teen.

0:25:050:25:07

-I'm talking about Kat.

-So am I.

-SHARON LAUGHS

0:25:070:25:10

-You're wicked.

-You'd've laughed at that one.

0:25:100:25:13

Yeah, and then belted you.

0:25:130:25:15

You know, us girls don't get together enough.

0:25:150:25:18

But Kat's made that happen today and we should honour that.

0:25:180:25:21

So tonight we're going to be getting our slap on,

0:25:210:25:23

we're going to be rubbing in a vat of fake tan,

0:25:230:25:26

and we're going to channel Kat Moon

0:25:260:25:27

until every pocket, purse and wallet is empty.

0:25:270:25:31

-Woo! Cheers!

-To Kat.

-Cheers.

0:25:310:25:34

-So we're keeping the coffin?

-Well, yeah, we'll have to, Nan.

0:25:340:25:36

It's 900 quid's worth.

0:25:360:25:39

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Who's that?

0:25:390:25:42

Why are you so jumpy? Are you expecting someone?

0:25:420:25:46

Not me, love.

0:25:460:25:48

-Mum?

-Martin called me. I came as soon as I could.

0:25:500:25:54

Well, I was going to phone you, it's just been a bit hectic.

0:25:540:25:56

The train was packed, then it was delayed,

0:25:560:25:59

then this great, big, fat man sat on me.

0:25:590:26:01

-Said he couldn't see me.

-Oh, it's all right, you're here now.

0:26:010:26:04

-Well, how could he not see me?

-Why don't you just take your coat off, Mum?

0:26:040:26:07

World's gone mad, Stacey, there's too many people in it.

0:26:070:26:09

-And there's one less now.

-Mo? When did you get here?

0:26:090:26:14

-Few days ago.

-Stace, I dunno what to say.

0:26:140:26:17

Well, there isn't really anything to say.

0:26:170:26:19

Well, actually, there's plenty. That's the reason why I came.

0:26:190:26:22

Only Martin said that Kat's dead. He was joking, wasn't he?

0:26:220:26:26

Well, that's a bit of a rotten joke, Mum.

0:26:260:26:29

Well, why's he saying it?

0:26:290:26:30

-Why do you think?

-What, he really thinks it?

0:26:300:26:34

Well, yes, we all do.

0:26:340:26:36

-Oh, that's madness.

-Talking of which.

-Well, it is.

0:26:360:26:39

Cos I only spoke with her earlier.

0:26:390:26:42

She's not dead.

0:26:440:26:45

What?

0:26:450:26:47

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