20/03/2018 EastEnders

Nan? That was Martin's.

I want an armband.

Go and brush your teeth, Lil.

That flaming door.

Why are you so jumpy?

It's the shock waves.

See if them skinflints get the message now.

Trouble, what you doing? You all right?

Uh, teeth.

Teeth.

You all right?

I just thought I'd come round.

You know, see if anything needed doing. Is this mine?

Uh, yeah, it's the grief.

Right, well, I'm just glad I wasn't in it.

How you getting on with the donations page?

Well, we're barely over 400 quid.

Hasn't changed since last night.

-We're never going to raise five grand.

-In a day.

-A day?

-Bel rung when you was in the bath, Kat's coming tomorrow.

-Martin, you're clever, help us.

-No, Nan, we're fine.

Well, if you need 5K, you're gonna need more than my help, ain't ya?

So why don't I go and grab as many people as I can and get them round here.

-No, we've been round the houses.

-No, but I'm talking about getting heads together, Stace,

-you know, coming up with ideas.

-Martin, I can handle this.

Let him do it.

I'll take the kids round Carmel's, free you up,

then I'll go knocking on doors.

Come on, let me help ya, Stace.

It's about Kat, not me.

Yeah.

I know that.

BABY CRIES

All night. No break.

-Crying and crying.

-What?

Crying and crying.

Yeah, I was too by 5am.

We were just minutes away from leaving for our special place.

Which wasn't so special after all.

-Don't remind me, she's still not talking to me.

-Hmm.

The only way I can make it up to her is by soothing this baby.

Yeah, well, I can help, I've got years of experience.

Tamwar didn't stop crying until he was about 19.

Hmm, but we got there in the end.

BABY CRIES

So how long have you got this baby for exactly?

HE SIGHS

You all came? I'm proper chuffed.

-As if we wouldn't.

-God bless you all.

-SHARON: So where's Dot?

-She's lighting more candles.

Right, well, I'll grab her later.

So what can we do for you, Stace?

Well, basically Kat is being brought here tomorrow.

KNOCK AT DOOR

-She's early.

-Why don't you shut up.

-Robbie!

-I'll get it.

Look, I'm really not ready to see her

if you can even call that seeing her.

-Sorry.

-Oh, it's Mr Scotch eggs.

No, but we've hit a bit of a snag.

Well, actually, it's quite a big one.

Basically, we, erm...

We can't afford to bury Kat.

We haven't got the money, and no-one has, so...

There's just an unmarked pauper's grave just sitting there waiting for her...

So is there anything anyone can think of to help us, you know, raise the money?

In a day? As in one day?

-What are you, parrot?

-Anyone?

-We ain't at school.

-Ian?

-Where are you going to put her when she gets here?

-How is that helping?

Well, what I would really love is for her to be here,

in the front room, in a coffin, with us.

But we ain't got that cos coffins cost a fortune.

-Don't grow on trees, you know.

-They're made of them, though.

Look, I've got an appointment to get to, all right. I'm really sorry.

That's handy, innit?

Hold up, why don't we have a big night in the Vic?

-We've only got tonight, Mick.

-So that's the night we do it.

-Well, when you say a big night, what...?

-You know, like a do, a thing.

-We're always having some sort of turn out in there, ain't we?

-Tonight's not a good night for me.

-Well, we could do karaoke?

-Fiver a song.

-Oh, it needs to be bigger than that, Whitney.

-Well, a tenner, then.

No, I think what Sharon means is that it's got to be something unmissable.

-You know, we need the Vic rammed.

-It's like Kat's guiding you two.

So, we got the venue. What else do we need?

-We've got the booze.

-Well, it's just the food.

-Over to you, Ian.

-What? No, no, I didn't...

-SHIRLEY:

-Cheers, Beale.

Nothing better than free nosh.

There you go, Stace, it's all coming together lovely, eh?

Let's put our swedes together, let's come up with the greatest show on earth.

Mate, it's Jay from Cokers.

Listen, I might be wrong,

but you had that woman whose husband pulled through?

You did! Brilliant.

Yeah, all right, me and my mate will be round in a minute.

All right, mate. Ta, ta. Bye, bye, bye.

-I'm guessing I'm the mate.

-Yep.

-C'mon then, clock's ticking. Come on!

-All right!

Sharon left that before she went to Dot's.

-We're going to do this, we are, I promise.

-Stace?

-Come on, Stace, read 'em.

-All right.

OK.

-Paintballing...

-In the Vic?

-What string said that?

Come on, Stace.

-This is a good one. Meat raffle.

-Yeah, I like that one.

Whose idea was that?

Oh, at school, are we?

I know a bloke on the market that knows a bloke that knows a bloke.

-What sort of meat?

-Well, meat's meat, innit?

-You've seen enough of it.

-ROBBIE SNIGGERS

Read another one, Stace.

Uh...

Wet T-shirt competition.

Oh, Walford's Got Talent.

Oh, I love that one! That's a good one, innit?

-I love that one, yeah.

-That was your idea, weren't it?

-Maybe.

-Any more?

-Erm...

-Do an auction.

-Of what though?

-Of anything, anything you like.

I mean, I dunno, what about a meal at Ian's restaurant when it opens.

-Yeah, that's cordon bleu cooking.

-Fine dining for two. Kushty, yeah.

-Bet you my meat makes more money.

-Bet you it don't.

Game on. Loser gets a smack in the mouth.

-Oh, bring it on, Shirl.

-All right. Enough, you two.

Anyone else?

Yeah, me.

I was up west the other morning and I really needed a wee,

so I went into this pub.

It was only like half nine, but they were doing this life drawing class.

Is this, like, going anywhere or...?

Apart from going to the loo?

Well, it was packed.

What I'm saying is people were paying more than 20 quid to get in.

So auction what exactly?

Me.

I'll pose starkers and then people have to buy a ticket tonight,

and, if they don't, they don't get in to see the class.

-Are you sure, Whit?

-Yeah, she's sure.

-Mo should do it, shouldn't she?

-You perv, Beale.

No, as a tribute for Kat. I mean, it's fitting. Poetic.

There ain't no poetry in my folds.

No, it's all right, Whit. I'll do it.

Well, hold up. Let's have a little chat about it, eh?

No, no, no. I'm comfortable with it. So you can put that up for grabs.

And I'll tell you what, it's exactly what Kat would've done.

-She'd have put the goods on show.

-What's next, Stace?

Right, last one.

Uh...

You ain't getting in unless you're wearing leopard print

and pay an entry fee.

Yeah, well, you know, the night's about Kat,

-so should be a sense of her in that, you know.

-That's nice.

-Mick, that's lovely.

-How much to get in?

-Well, I dunno. What, a ching, what?

-How about 50?

-Nan!

-IAN:

-Look, let's not get carried away here. I mean, we need to let people know.

We need to sort of like spread the word and advertise it.

Well, Tina's got a bike. You can borrow that. Get round the Square quicker.

-All right, so I'm doing the advertising, the food, a meal?

-Give the man a medal.

Calm down, we'll all get involved. We'll get the flyers printed.

-We'll sell it like the royal wedding.

-Ian's got a point, though. Can we really do this?

I mean, aren't we already a little bit too late?

That's the Dunkirk spirit.

Let's all give up and go jump in the sea.

I didn't want to do this but I'm begging.

Make an old woman proud, eh?

-Well, I'm in.

-Yeah, same.

-Yeah, no, let's have it, eh, let's have it.

-Yeah.

-All right.

-Thank you all so much.

The obituary. We've still got time to get it into the Gazette.

We could spread the word for tonight.

-Look, we ain't... We ain't even got the money for that.

-Oh.

-Well...

-I'm sure I've got something.

-There's an apple, there.

-That's the spirit.

There you go, there's another little score there.

Oh, look, here you are.

-Ready?

-Where we going now?

-Home delivery.

Can't they come and collect it?

Bend your knees and mind your back.

40, 45, 50.

DOORBELL RINGS

PHONE RINGS

Shut up you damn thing!

PHONE RINGS MO SIGHS

C'mon, keep ticking.

Dunno why I'm even doing this. Kat has never given me the time of day.

What, you telling me you never...?

Never what?

Never fancied her?

What, me and Kat?

Oh, I reckon you and Kat would have been interesting.

Well, she may have slipped underneath my radar once or twice.

But you never... You know?

-No, no, she was with Alfie, obviously!

-Right, yeah.

-And that's the only thing that stopped you, is it?

-Yeah.

Yeah, and obviously the fact I'd have to talk to her.

Yeah, that's true, Slaters do go on a bit, don't they?

There's one way of shutting them up.

You knew all about that.

Yeah.

Still do.

But you and Stacey aren't together?

Well, I mean we are and we aren't.

Oh, I see, that's why you've been grinning from ear to ear since you got here.

It was the best ever.

I mean, I'm buzzing Ian, I'm on fire.

You ever felt like that?

Yeah. Yeah, course.

One minute I'm comforting her and then the next...

-I thought she was devastated?

-Yeah, she was. Massively.

But, I don't know, it must have just sparked something, you know?

You do know this is not real, don't you?

Yeah.

Yeah, course.

Don't go making it into something it ain't.

I'm just saying, I don't want loads of pervs piping at ya.

Well, you didn't mind 20 years ago.

Well, maybe I did and I didn't say anything.

You know, we were younger then.

Oh. Oh, I get it now.

-What you're really saying is that you think I'm too old.

-Oh, shut up. You look double strong.

It was all right when everything was perky and I didn't have crow's feet,

-but now you're thinking that people won't buy tickets.

-Why are you twisting it into that?

Well, tell me that I'm wrong.

I should be the only person that sees how beautiful, gorgeous and special you are.

-That's it.

-Aw, well, you will when you buy a ticket and a pencil.

Come on, Teen, nearly there, just a few more steps.

What's that?

Meat.

-As promised.

-Well, what is it? Hippo?

-You know, a thank you would be nice.

-We're going to get a reputation. What if someone eats that and dies?

-Then we throw another big night for them.

-I swear there's a pulse.

Is that the Gazette?

Can you give me the best price on an obituary?

Careful it might bite.

-Seriously. What is it?

-Why don't you ever trust me?

-I don't want to get closed down over this.

-That is not a horse.

Did you see any hooves?

All right, I want to talk to the geezer you got it off.

-What's his number.

-It's a bloke that knows a bloke.

-Not a jockey is he?

-Oh, will you stop it.

That is 100% cow.

Or pig.

-What do you reckon?

-Oh, Don.

She would've loved that.

I just didn't ever think people would be like this.

Well, it's called community and, you know what,

I'm glad to know it's still around.

It's going to be heaving in the Vic tonight, you'll see.

Thought I retired from all this.

Retired? Don't you mean fired from all this?

Well, Stace? What do you reckon? Do you like it?

Well, I don't know if like it is the right word,

but I don't understand, Jay, I ain't got the money.

Well, it's a good job you ain't gotta pay for it then, innit?

-Ain't someone going to be missing it?

-No. A woman's donated it.

Her husband rallied round in the end, so...

-Can we talk about this later? Only it ain't half heavy.

-I'll help, Billy.

Are you sure, Jay?

Yeah, I mean, I know it ain't the one you'd want, Stace,

but it's a good'un, you know, 900 quid's worth.

Yeah, and what with this and the donations page,

you're only going to need three and a half grand.

Well, then I love it.

If you can love a coffin, that is.

-Where do you want it, Stace?

-Just in the front room please, Bill.

-Here y'are.

-Oh, here you are.

-The stand for this is in the funeral parlour, all right?

-All right.

-Ready?

-Ready.

-Right.

Thank you.

BABY SCREAMS

Come on, Harley, enough's enough, time for a rest, little one.

Try the bottle of milk again.

Hello, handsome, who's this, then?

Oh, he's got some lungs on him.

We think he's having withdrawal symptoms.

His mum's an addict. He's got heroin pulsing through his veins.

-Oh, won't be milk he wants, then.

-Mm.

-Poor little love.

I'm the same when someone nicks my biscuits.

Yes, I am. Yeah. I'm the same.

-PHONE PLAYS MUSIC

-You don't take my biscuits. No.

BABY STOPS CRYING Shh.

-Listen.

-He's stopped.

Oh, bless him, he's nodded off.

You see that? That's a woman's touch.

Any time you want more, just give us a whistle.

-If Mariam asks, I calmed the baby.

-Why's that then?

You saw her yesterday. You saw the rage in her eyes.

Are you sure people are going to want to buy cakes?

-They're Kat cakes.

-Alcohol is banned in this house.

So, better get rid of it quick.

Shouldn't one of us stay sober?

Yeah, cos that oven's really dangerous. Just neck it.

-Shirley, slow down.

-Yeah, it's going to end in mayhem.

You know, Kat weren't my favourite cup of tea,

but you gotta say this - life was never dull when she was around.

Mm. It's always the lively ones that go first.

Who do you reckon's going to be next?

What sort of sick question is that, Tina?

I'm just saying, you know, you can make all the plans in the world,

but it don't mean a thing when your number's up.

You know, I was having quite a nice time until you opened your gob.

Well, it ain't me, is it? It's God.

You know, he looks down and then he points at someone,

and you never know who he's going to pick next.

Well, hopefully he won't spot us if we're all under the table.

THEY LAUGH

-Ain't her colour.

-What?

-She'd hate it.

-We ain't gotta take it back, have we?

-No, she don't mean it.

-I do, Stace.

Look, I know you've got this special idea of what Kat would want,

but we ain't got a choice.

It's not her, I know it, and you know it. S'cuse me.

It's your call, Stace.

It's staying.

I'll sort her out.

-Right, well, shall we make a move, then?

-Yeah, yeah.

Jay, you're an angel.

-That's all right, Stace.

-Thank you.

That's all right, don't worry about it.

Do you think we should throw a sheet over it or something?

Hide it from Lil.

Stace?

Come here.

Hey, look, if this is too much...

No.

This is going to be the best send-off ever.

Remember, I got him off to sleep.

Mum's the word.

MASOOD GASPS

BABY CRIES

We need Karen.

Arshad is that you?

Yes, just popped back in for a blanket.

Shhh. Please, please, quiet.

PHONE RINGS

Be there, all right? It's gonna be the best party ever.

Here you are.

Thanks.

-Stace...

-Martin, I am not going there.

-All right, I've got too much on.

-Well, I've not said anything yet.

-You've been saying it all morning.

-Have I?

Yeah, three little words.

Dot's kitchen table.

I thought the legs were going to fall off.

Look, it should never have happened.

Right, I can't even think about me and you right now.

I don't even know if there is a me and you.

Yeah, and I didn't expect you to.

No, I'm just saying, you know, that I get it.

You don't have to worry about us.

-Grief sex is just that, innit? It's grief sex.

-Shh.

Keep your voice down.

And what makes you think it was grief sex?

-I mean, what is the difference between that and...

-Married sex?

-Yeah.

I think we found out yesterday.

You're an idiot.

-BABY CRIES

-Hey, lungs, it's me.

Yeah, your fave.

Who's a cheeky chappie, eh?

See, it's not the woman's touch after all.

Oh, just give it time, will you, handsome.

You know, let me work my magic.

And would you stop looking down my top when I'm bent over him.

Oi.

Cheeky, cheeky, cheeky choo.

Cheeky, cheeky, choo.

Maybe he needs a fix.

That's a terrible thing to say. GRIME MUSIC PLAYS

Oi, oi, Keegan! Keegan!

-What?

-Will you turn that down, will ya?

MUSIC FADES BABY CRIES

It's the music, I think he likes the music.

That's music?

Keegan, Keegan! Turn it back up!

-You just said...

-Full volume! Now!

-Hey!

-Ey!

Result. And cheaper than smack.

Fat Elvis, it's me. I'm back in the area.

What you going to give me for a coffin?

Brand-new, no previous owner.

-Nan?

-I'll call you back.

-What you doing?

-Wow, cool!

-No, Lily, that's not cool.

-Go and take your coat off.

-It's got woodworm.

STACEY SIGHS Nan, what is it about this coffin?

It's like it's everyone's funeral.

-She's our Kat, not theirs.

-No, Nan.

She's always going to be ours.

It's just that, you know, we needed help, and, God love 'em, they delivered.

It should be our way.

Us Slater girls should be picking out the coffin,

decking out Kat in the right clothes,

they don't know her, not like we do.

Well, I'm sorry, Nan, if you think I ain't got it right,

but I am trying my best.

Here she is. Eating alone. Cute.

Shut up, it's what I do these days.

Yeah, well, you don't have to. I'm here now.

Yeah, well I'm off boys. They're useless. They never show up when they're meant to.

-Well, lucky I'm a man, then.

-Cute.

-Maybe if you come back in ten years.

-Nah, but seriously...

Save it, Keegan, I like someone else.

Yeah, but Hunter's got problems.

Just leave him to it.

Problems?

It's private, man stuff.

Yeah, well, I grew up with Hunter, and we shared everything.

So spill.

BABY CRIES

-You ready?

-No.

MUSIC: From The Outside by Wiley

# I've been in the wrong system The wrong territory for way too long

# If I say it's right and I show it to Johnny

# Looks back at me like it sounds wrong... #

-I think it's working.

-Sorry?

I said I think it's working!

# I go macho on people eediat tunes cos really Wiley goes in

# I'm torn between catering for me and the fans, I'm going mad

# I only hear my big hits where people go to get tans. #

-How much are they charging on the door tonight?

-Tenner I think.

Can't help but think I missed an opportunity there.

-Ian!

-Well, who was Kat anyway?

I mean, she's just some loud-mouthed tart,

I mean, so why's everybody helping her out?

Didn't do it for me. So what's the difference between me and her?

Well, Stacey probably. And this is for her, Ian.

Surely even you can see that?

Hunter.

You going in the Vic later? They're letting anyone in, any age.

Not sure I want to celebrate a dead person.

I'm not being funny, right, but that's what people should do.

They should make something of it, don't you think?

What's that?

You won't get in without it.

-Eh!

-They're really hard.

-They're rock cakes.

Yeah, that started off as fairy cakes.

THEY LAUGH

-Is that the meat for the raffle?

-Well, it ain't your dancing partner.

-It's all green round the edges, Shirley.

-Nah, it's the light in here.

-No, it is green, look!

There's something wrong with your eyes!

Rest in peace, whatever you are.

This is the most fun I've ever had when someone died.

It's only a piece of meat, Teen.

-I'm talking about Kat.

-So am I.

-SHARON LAUGHS

-You're wicked.

-You'd've laughed at that one.

Yeah, and then belted you.

You know, us girls don't get together enough.

But Kat's made that happen today and we should honour that.

So tonight we're going to be getting our slap on,

we're going to be rubbing in a vat of fake tan,

and we're going to channel Kat Moon

until every pocket, purse and wallet is empty.

-Woo! Cheers!

-To Kat.

-Cheers.

-So we're keeping the coffin?

-Well, yeah, we'll have to, Nan.

It's 900 quid's worth.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Who's that?

Why are you so jumpy? Are you expecting someone?

Not me, love.

-Mum?

-Martin called me. I came as soon as I could.

Well, I was going to phone you, it's just been a bit hectic.

The train was packed, then it was delayed,

then this great, big, fat man sat on me.

-Said he couldn't see me.

-Oh, it's all right, you're here now.

-Well, how could he not see me?

-Why don't you just take your coat off, Mum?

World's gone mad, Stacey, there's too many people in it.

-And there's one less now.

-Mo? When did you get here?

-Few days ago.

-Stace, I dunno what to say.

Well, there isn't really anything to say.

Well, actually, there's plenty. That's the reason why I came.

Only Martin said that Kat's dead. He was joking, wasn't he?

Well, that's a bit of a rotten joke, Mum.

Well, why's he saying it?

-Why do you think?

-What, he really thinks it?

Well, yes, we all do.

-Oh, that's madness.

-Talking of which.

-Well, it is.

Cos I only spoke with her earlier.

She's not dead.

What?