The Daughter of Autolycus Father Brown

BELL TOWER STRIKES

KNOCK AT THE DOOR

-Gas board, miss.

-The meter's at the top of the stairs.

SHE CRIES OUT, MUFFLED

-RADIO:

-'The Pope's coronation gift to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth

'has left Vatican City on the first leg of its journey to London.

'The Pelagius Cross, a magnificent necklace

'comprised of emeralds and rubies,

'is said to be beyond price.

'It will be accompanied to London by representatives of His Holiness

'and a cohort of Swiss Guards.

'The Papal prelates will visit the Roman Catholic Dioceses of Liverpool

'and Gloucester before arriving in London, where the gift will be

'presented to Her Majesty at a state banquet at Buckingham Palace.'

In nomine patris et filii et spiritus sancti, amen.

Ah! Father, how very propitious. We were just on our way to find you.

-You've seen the news, then.

-Such an honour.

Not that the likes of us will get a glimpse.

That is where you are wrong, Mrs M.

I thought you should see this.

It's all very last-minute and hush-hush, what with high security.

"Bishop Reynard requests the pleasure of your company

"at a reception to present the Pelagius Cross."

Idiot!

Not you, Mrs McCarthy.

-He makes Bishop Talbot...

-God rest his soul.

-..look like Solomon.

-Are you thinking what we're thinking?

Opportunity makes a thief.

Sheffield steel,

capable of withstanding five pounds of explosives.

You could dynamite the building and it would be left standing.

That is of huge consolation.

I'm stationing four men inside the room and two more outside the door.

No entry or exit from the window.

A sheer drop of 50 feet to the ground

with a reassuring lack of footholds.

Good afternoon, Bishop Reynard.

Father Brown.

Which one?

My Lord?

I have two incumbents name of Brown.

Parish of Little Haydock, "competent but uninspired", and Kembleford,

"total ruddy liability."

Which, I wonder, are you?

Take a wild guess. What do you want, Padre?

I believe you're holding a reception for the Pelagius Cross.

If you're angling for an invitation

I regret your presence isn't requisite.

It's not my presence you should be worried about.

Are you familiar with the name of Hercule Flambeau?

Who isn't?

But what makes you think he'll turn up in Gloucester?

Call it an educated guess.

I know what I'd call it.

It's exactly the prize he would covet and the opportunity he needs.

He'd have to blow the safe without razing the building

and escape on wings.

Until the jewel is removed from the safe for display to all and sundry.

To a select group of highly vetted guests.

Where it will be surrounded by my men.

If Frenchie's moronic enough to turn up, we'll nab him.

He's a master of disguise.

I assume there's a point to all this.

I'm one of the few people that can identify him.

Let me be your eyes and ears, my Lord.

You can see yourself out.

I answer to a higher authority than you, Inspector.

Indeed he does.

Very well, Father. You've a file thicker than my arm

but unlike my predecessor,

I believe in keeping the more intransigent elements where I can see them.

On your own head.

But for the record,

one of the cardinals is tipped to be the next Secretary of State.

Embarrass me and the torments of Job will be like the mildest of rebukes.

HE SIGHS

Whoever described England as green and pleasant

had never laid eyes on Liverpool.

Or eaten its food.

What news from Rome?

Is there any word on Cardinal Brunocelli?

There is no change in his condition.

He has remarkable stamina for a man of 98.

Any rumours as to his successor?

His Eminence has decided to wait until his body is cold

before announcing his replacement.

Allora, let us pray for him.

This is becoming tedious.

Humble acts of genuflexion - they always appear so conceited.

Deference is a virtue that has sadly passed you by.

HE LAUGHS

I hear you're playing guard dog at the reception.

Isn't that what you want? You're in danger of becoming predictable.

Never second-guess a thief.

It limits your chances of catching them.

You want to steal the Pelagius Cross and I want to stop you.

The rules have changed.

This time I need your help.

Her name is Marianne Delacroix.

She was kidnapped two days ago from her lodgings at Oxford.

My name is Nero Hound.

Please don't scream. There's no-one to hear you.

You've made a mistake. I've no family to pay you ransom.

I don't make mistakes, Miss Marianne Delacroix.

Born 2nd June, 1931.

Educated at Cheltenham Ladies College and the Sorbonne.

Now taking your PhD in Fine Art at St Hilda's College, Oxford,

where you have many acquaintances but no real friends

and live alone with your cat, Autolycus.

Do you know who Autolycus was, Terry?

He was the son of the god Hermes,

inheriting his father's skills for theft and trickery

and bequeathed the gift that his thieving could never be caught.

An unusual name for a pet, Miss Delacroix?

What do you want?

Please, no...

Oh, rest assured, I prefer my women...willing.

And I desire something far more precious than your virtue.

-FLAMBEAU:

-I received this.

A ransom note?

Crude but efficacious.

The sender was good enough to leave his signature.

A dog.

A black dog. The mark of Nero Hound.

A miscreant mongrel with dangerous aspirations.

Friend of yours?

An old score to settle.

He'd cut her throat in a heartbeat.

She's very beautiful.

Although, if you don't mind my saying...

..she's rather young for you, isn't she?

She's my daughter.

You know my father?

Better than most.

Then you have me at another disadvantage.

I know he's the only man that can steal the Pelagius Cross

from a cohort of Swiss Guards.

My father abandoned me before I was born.

He abandoned me to a Colombian firing squad.

So we have something in common.

And if he doesn't bring you this jewel?

Be assured, I'll take no pleasure in killing you.

I've never met the man.

What makes you think he cares if I live or die?

Pride.

He has until 7pm on Monday.

-Her mother?

-A ballerina in the corps at the Paris Opera.

A brief pas de deux. Strangers passing in the night.

A stranger who bore you a child.

I thought you'd approve.

What?

I spared her my corrupting presence and honoured my obligations.

Denied her father's love.

You of all people should know how that feels.

She received every advantage. The finest education money can buy.

And in return?

I received a photograph once a year from her mother.

Look, you've reason enough not to trust me.

The truth is in her eyes.

I believe she's your daughter.

And you have surprised me.

What do you want?

I want you to practise what you preach.

-Excluding the eighth commandment, presumably.

-But not the tenth.

Greed is a sin and your church is rotten with it.

The Pope is St Peter's successor. Theft from him is theft from God.

A God who favours the poor over the rich.

You could say I was doing him a favour.

And my soul?

You preach that possessions are worthless.

Only God and men have eternal value.

You would blackmail me with my own morality?

Oh, I'll do whatever it takes.

And you would rather a theft on your conscience than a life.

I believe you want to save her.

Perhaps, after all, there is some hope for your redemption.

Run that by me again.

Flambeau wants you to help him steal the Pope's coronation gift

to the Queen of England.

Well, he wants me to look the other way while he steals it.

And what's the difference?

Well, I'm hoping God will make the distinction.

And you would see through his disguise.

He's not involving her as well.

I can speak for myself, thank you, Sidney.

And you believe this cock and bull story of his?

I believe that she's his daughter.

Father Brown's right. The resemblance is startling.

So what if she is? They're probably in it together.

I don't think so. Look at her eyes.

Ah. You've noticed that as well?

If this were a ploy she'd be trying to look scared.

But that's not fear. It's defiance.

This is the Pope's gift to Her Majesty we're talking about.

In my experience, Mrs McCarthy, jewels are vastly overrated.

BELLS STRIKE

Welcome, Your Eminence.

Inspector Mallory from the Kembleford Constabulary,

may I present Cardinal Bonipogio...

Head of Protocol.

..and Cardinal Papillon.

Chief of Security.

I think you'll find my arrangements more than satisfactory.

May I?

Certo, certo! Bene, bene!

Scusi, scusi.

PAPILLON CLEARS HIS THROAT

Oh. Magnificent.

Her Majesty is indeed fortunate.

Si. Si.

Excellent.

Bon.

HE SNAPS HIS FINGERS

HE LOCKS THE SAFE

Who else has the combination?

Only the Inspector and myself.

And I will require it in case of emergencies.

In the meantime, four of my men will stand 24-hour guard.

The jewel has its own guard.

With respect, Your Honour...

how do I know I can trust 'em?

No more than I know if I can trust yours.

We have a saying here in England - "The more the merrier."

And another one. "Too many cooks spoil the broth."

I asked for your help, not your army.

Well, someone has to make sure you don't double-cross him.

Countess. As fragrant as ever.

You can save your Gallic charm for whoever gets to judge you.

Tea's in the pot. You can help yourself.

I take it you encountered some resistance.

Asking the Father to help you thieve!

He can cleanse himself in the confessional.

I look forward to that.

-I suppose you've got some sort of ingenious plan.

-Naturally.

Bishop Colum Cormac.

Suitable in terms of height if not build.

Travelling from Donegal for the reception,

where he will unfortunately be delayed en route.

Holy Mother. Now he's going to kidnap a bishop.

With Cormac safely indisposed, I will step in and take his place.

'Once inside, it's a simple Panama switch.'

Magnificent.

'Simple and ingenious.'

And impossible. It would take a master forger months if not years

to make a forgery that would pass muster.

Plan B, however, is hastily improvised

and shameful in its crudity.

Magnificent.

SCREAMING

Nobody move or the priest gets it.

Ha!

GUNSHOTS RICOCHET

That's your master plan?

That is the worst idea I have ever heard.

If I had time to be inventive, do you think I'd require assistance?

Taking Father Brown hostage won't hold much sway with the Inspector.

He'd probably give the order to shoot through you.

He's right. He would.

It's the best I have. And at worst, I tried.

You'll have to use me instead.

All hell would break loose if you shot the Countess of Montague.

I have no cause to deserve your help.

I'm not doing it for you, Monsieur.

Thank you.

Were you aware my predecessor nicknamed you

"The Eleventh Plague of Egypt"?

Bishop Talbot's wit was legendary.

I share his sense of humour, but not his tolerance.

So if I can prevail on you to behave yourself...

Ah, Your Eminences. This is Father Brown.

Father Brown? He is not on the guest list.

-No. He is, er...

-Internal security.

Cardinals Bonipogio and Papillon.

Cardinal Bonipogio.

Cardinal Papillon.

Are you related to Procurator Papillon?

An uncle.

My family has been breeding papal courtiers for centuries.

There have been Papillons in the Vatican since 1790.

My colleague, on the other hand, as the son of a circus performer,

demonstrates just how modern-day the Curia has become.

My father was an artiste.

He was feted by the kings and queens of Europa.

Cesare Bonipogio, the Great Marvel?

Si, you are clearly more educated than some, Father.

It is said he could turn water into wine.

And then into brandy and back into water again!

THEY LAUGH

Crude trickery!

The last of the guests have arrived. Shall we go inside?

GUESTS CHATTER

Oh, Bishop!

Colum...Cormac.

Nice place you have here.

Welcome to Gloucester. I trust you had a good journey.

Uneventful, thanks be to God.

Haven't we met before?

I don't think so.

In the Parochial House in Drumkeen.

I could have sworn you were losing your hair.

Bishop Reynard. What a pleasure to see you as always.

Countess. How honoured we are by your presence.

I can't wait to get a glimpse of the cross.

I can barely contain myself.

GUARD BANGS HIS STAFF THREE TIMES

My Lords, ladies and gentlemen,

may I present the Pelagius Cross!

GASPING

Guards, secure the building! Maintenant!

Go back to the Presbytery. Meet me there.

I'll be a couple of hours. Oh, and, Terry, when I get back,

I expect to find the young lady as I left her.

What shall I do with the guests, Inspector?

None of them went within feet of it.

-Take statements, search them and let them go.

-Yes, sir.

It must have been taken from the safe.

-Impossible.

-Or a miracle. Except I don't believe in miracles.

Please be careful. That is a holy reliquary blessed by Il Papa.

You failed me, Father.

You said if he turned up you'd raise the alarm.

This wasn't Flambeau's work.

For once, me and the Padre are in agreement.

Unless he's invisible and can walk through walls.

Then how do you explain it?

Elementary. A - it was a miracle

or B - it was an inside job.

What are you suggesting?

As there were only three of us who knew the combination,

it rather narrows our options.

I hope no-one's pointing the finger at me.

It seems we are all under suspicion, non?

Don't try to deflect the blame.

His Holiness placed his trust in you and you have failed him.

You have brought disgrace on the name of the Holy See.

I will be tendering my resignation, but there is work to be done.

We'll all be tendering our resignations unless it's found.

It didn't magic itself into thin air.

If it was an inside job, chances are it's still in the building.

Are you sure it was...?

ALL: Yes.

The cross disappeared from the safe.

In a locked room surrounded by guards.

I commend the mastermind that did it.

What will you do?

I have until seven o'clock, when I'll go to the drop

and kill Hound with my bare hands.

I'm sure it won't come to that.

You'd rather I defeated him with platitudes?

I mean, Inspector Mallory thinks it's an inside job,

so the cross may still be in the Bishop's Palace.

A palace with over 100 rooms.

You're unusually silent...

-ALL: Shush!

-Let the man think.

We're looking at this the wrong way round.

A jewel vanishes from a locked and guarded safe,

which we all know is impossible.

I assume there's a point to this?

Let's not dwell on the impossible.

Let's look to the probable.

The jewel wasn't stolen.

PHONE RINGS

-REYNARD:

-'Father!'

My Lord.

Breaking news.

Bishop Cormac was found stripped and naked in Kembleford Wood.

Flambeau's work.

'Obviously the police are keen to talk to you but after that

'I expect my "eyes and ears" explanation on tenterhooks.

-'Shall we say two o'clock?'

-CAR PULLS UP OUTSIDE

Mallory.

I'd love to stay and chat, but I have a prior engagement.

Hang about.

Parlour window. Brings you out the back of the churchyard.

Please, go upstairs and give me until six o'clock.

KNOCK AT THE DOOR

You expect me to believe you'll find the jewel?

You have no choice.

Six o'clock. Then I'll do whatever I have to.

Oh, gentlemen.

I think you need some new spectacles, Padre.

-MARIANNE:

-Help! Fire, help!

What the...?

HE COUGHS

HE GROANS

Ecclesiastical security.

You won't find it in there.

Flambeau has it. Bishop Cormac made a positive identification,

which is more than can be said for you.

-So what have you got to say for yourself?

-I'm truly sorry.

Don't play the repentance card. Do something.

If the jewel isn't recovered before tomorrow, I'm ruined.

They'll send me to Coventry. Literally.

And make no mistake, you'll be coming with me. Is that clear?

Perfectly.

As for the thief, may God have more mercy on his soul than I will.

Inside.

You're more like your father than I realised.

And just as irritating.

Now you leave me no choice but to punish you.

I can't wait any longer.

You stay right where you are.

-Are you not going to say anything?

-She's his daughter, Mrs M.

And if I don't go now, you'll be praying for her soul.

Need a wingman?

You don't know Nero Hound.

I wouldn't have your life on my conscience.

Always knew you had one.

Dear God! He's stolen the Queen's jewel.

I doubt she'll care. What on earth would she wear it with?

Who? And how?

At the moment, that's the least of your concerns.

I suppose I'm in your debt.

I'm coming with you.

You'd only slow me down.

It's not a request.

If Hound has harmed a hair on her head...

he'll be needing a priest.

Time?

Um...

A minute to seven.

Nero! I have the jewel!

Something's wrong.

She's not here. So there's still hope.

I will tear him limb from limb.

I didn't know you cared.

Allo, Papa.

-Where's Hound?

-Then again...

He's locked in the cellar and his thug's in the outhouse.

Did they hurt you?

Not as much as I hurt them.

You overpowered two men?

I had no high expectations of your arrival.

Where's the jewel?

I have questions first.

In case you hadn't noticed, I'm the one holding a gun.

Come on. The smell in here is making me sick. Chop chop.

That won't be necessary. You know I'm no threat.

I don't know you from Adam.

I don't even know what to call you.

Papa? Monsieur Flambeau?

Daddy seems rather informal given our lack of acquaintance.

I wouldn't worry about it.

Our touching reunion will be short and sweet.

The jewel?

I'm curious to see the object worthy of my life.

I'm flattered.

Russian baroque.

Maxim Korytov.

I'm surprised you didn't keep it.

It would sit well in Le Voleur's collection.

Given our lack of acquaintance, you know a lot about me.

I've studied your career since my mother's death,

when I discovered the identity of my "secret benefactor".

The Star of David, the St Jerome triptych...

It was you who stole the St Jerome triptych?

The Duchess of Bourbon's diamonds...

That wasn't me.

I did wonder. The theft was cruder than usual.

How did you escape?

I waited for Hound to leave and started a fire.

Unfortunately he returned earlier than expected.

You're more like your father than I realised.

And just as irritating.

Now you leave me no choice but to punish you.

HE YELPS

You expect me to believe you shot a gun from his hand at 20 feet?

Hardly. I was way off my mark.

I was aiming for his heart.

You need to account for the recoil.

I'm much more at ease with a fencing sabre.

Rest assured, the money lavished on my education was well spent.

I gave you every advantage.

Except one.

You were better off without me.

Only I can be the judge of that.

I bear no resemblance to my mother.

As a child I'd look in the mirror and see the face of a stranger.

Like half of me was missing.

I'll make a cup of tea.

Please don't shoot me.

Is the priest real?

Very. So I'd advise you to watch what you say.

You keep strange friends.

He's no friend of mine.

I thought we understood each other rather well.

You stole the jewel for me.

Technically, I stole it.

And if it's not returned I will spend the rest of my life in Coventry.

Parts of it are quite pleasant.

-I hear they're building a new cathedral.

-Ha, ha.

A pet priest stealing from his own. Why would he do that for you?

Moral blackmail.

A victim of his own conscience.

He really is a priest?

My God sets no store by earthly treasures.

Your God is a killjoy.

What news?

Interpol have been alerted and are watching every entry port to France.

There is still hope.

Not for Cardinal Brunocelli.

God rest his soul.

And still no word of his successor.

Although that will be of little interest to you now.

-FLAMBEAU:

-I thought you were dead.

You left me for dead in a Bogota prison.

An ungallant way to treat your partner.

I didn't like your methods.

I didn't expect you to be quite so squeamish.

-How did you esc...?

-Be quiet.

Your daughter has very pretty hands.

But not so deft at tying knots.

You have what you want. Now she will leave.

Not yet.

We had a deal. The jewel for the girl.

I have a new score to settle now.

Your brat shot off one of my fingers.

You and I will negotiate compensation in private.

In the meantime you have the cross and she WILL leave.

Go. Now. Both of you.

No!

It's profoundly biblical.

An eye for an eye.

Or in this case, a hand for a hand.

You're wounded.

I'll live long enough to kill him.

Stop! Stop! Vengeance is the Lord's alone.

Back off, priest! This is not your battle.

Unless you want a life on your conscience, stop him.

Please, don't kill him on my account.

The prize is mine.

I would say au revoir, but once the police are alerted

to your whereabouts, you're looking at 30 years with parole.

Goodbye, Nero.

Will you return the jewel to the priest? He risked his all for me.

He'll get his reward in heaven.

What? I warned you'd be better off not knowing me.

So what happens now?

I need to sit down.

To us?

You will return to your studies.

My PhD is almost complete.

A catalogue of the finest private collections in Europe.

With the owners' full co-operation, naturally. After that,

there are limited career paths open to orphan girls of good education.

Perhaps you're in need of some fatherly advice.

Guard this. He isn't as simple as he looks.

He's lucky. The bullet passed right through.

I don't believe in luck.

Can you find something to make bandages with?

What are you doing?!

What? Making up for lost time.

-Let her go.

-We've only just met. Now you expect me to let her go?

You're her father, you should protect her...

Unfounded, given recent turn of events.

..from whatever unholy alliance you are planning.

She'd make a worthy pupil.

And how long till she's corrupted and defiled

and her heart is as black as yours?

Now you're in danger of being predictable.

The difference is, I now know that you have a conscience.

This is the only antiseptic I could find.

Ready?

Ready.

HE YELLS IN PAIN

Take the jewel if you must.

But she is innocent. Do not take her soul.

Yours are not the only wounds that need attending.

CAR SPEEDS OFF

Flambeau, stop!

I went to school with the daughter of the Marquis of Apreville.

His security is highly flawed.

And his Netsuke are magnificent. And extremely portable.

Would you have mown down the priest?

Ha! He had his God to protect him.

How does it feel to take a life?

That's an inappropriate question for a young lady of breeding.

I ask because part of me wishes you had killed Hound

and part of me regrets I didn't.

HE WINCES

You need a doctor.

No doctors.

Then some surgical needle and thread and I'll stitch it.

This is as far as we go.

I don't understand.

You are a remarkable young woman

but if I'd wanted a daughter, do you think I'd have waited 23 years to find you?

We have a connection.

You don't know me from Adam.

I know you feel something.

Guilt? Regret?

I would never allow such self-indulgence.

You're making a mistake.

I am you.

Together we could be invincible.

The jewel, if you please.

We won't meet again.

So long, Marianne.

It's not there.

I don't know what you're talking about.

A jewel vanishes into thin air from a locked safe.

Must be magic.

But magic doesn't exist.

Only illusion.

And who knows that better...

AUDIENCE GASPS

..than the son of The Great Marvel?

A few adjustments to the casket is all it took.

Excellent.

Flambeau has it.

He must have switched the caskets.

I have taken a vow of poverty. What value is a bauble to me?

Priceless, in terms of ambition.

With Cardinal Papillon discredited,

the Secretary of State's position is yours.

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

It has been one day since my last confession.

You'd hold me to the sacred seal to ruin an innocent man's career?

I wouldn't expect a rural priest to understand the niceties of politics.

I don't expect God does either.

Well, well, Father, aren't you the surprise?

This was delivered to the police station addressed to you,

so naturally I opened it, and lookee here...

I'm agog as to how you explain this.

I can't.

But what I do know is under the seal of the confessional.

You'll have to do better than that.

There's not another man in this room that would agree with that statement.

Quite. Even so, you must have something?

What I can say is that

His Holiness has cause to look favourably on Cardinal Papillon.

I don't know what he's talking about.

Your humility is a credit to you.

Indeed it is. You can rely on me to convey knowledge of his assistance

to the Holy Father.

So all's well that ends well.

It ended well for Papillon.

He's been appointed Cardinal Secretary of State.

Why would Flambeau return the jewel?

I've been thinking the same thing myself.

Touche, ma fille!

HE LAUGHS

FELICIA: It certainly seems out of character.

Hello.

One of his little games.

Or maybe the man has finally found a conscience.

Maybe he has.