The Kill List Holby City

-What are you drinking?

-Oh, I don't know, something bitter, sour, much like my men.

Yeah. About that...is there any chance I can get your number?

I happen to like my mess and if you don't like that,

then maybe you don't like me.

I take it peace talks didn't go very well.

Whatever, his loss.

We won't be coming to dinner.

Oh, that's a shame. Fine.

-No, no, please. Please don't do this.

-Serena...

I could come and see you.

-No.

-We could meet halfway.

Stop! Please. I'm sorry.

ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

You OK?

GROANING

HE SIGHS So...what do you think of my Hog?

I think I could have done with a cushion.

I need one of those.

-Do you want me to...?

-No, no, no, it's fine. It's OK.

Well, if you want one of those, just save up for a few years and buy one.

Don't think they're for me.

Or maybe it's not the car you want.

Oh, before I forget, we've got a guest for lunch, remember?

Fret not, it's in the diary.

OK, Mr Clever. Pop quiz - and the guest is...?

PHONE CHIMES

HE CHUCKLES

Erm...wedding woman. We've got the wedding woman coming round.

-Woman?

-Man, wedding man. Sorry.

PHONE CHIMES

Mo's been on a jokes' website.

Why, is he coming?

He's going to help us write our own vows?

PHONE CHIMES

Read it later. We're in the middle of something.

Right, OK, erm... So, yeah... Lunch, wedding man, vows. Got it.

PHONE CHIMES Can't we talk without her interfering?

Mo is my best man and this is what friends do.

Well, I have lots of friends, they don't text me every minute.

Because most of them are in Sweden, aren't they?

What I meant is, it would cost a fortune.

Maybe I can get some friends here and get them to text me day and night.

-HE SIGHS

-Inga, this really isn't an issue.

-Derwood?

-You need to start accepting my best friend.

Hold the lift. Hold the lift!

Oh, mind your helmet.

-AUTOMATED VOICE:

-Doors opening, lift going up...

Hi.

You know, every day I say to myself I'm going to get the stairs.

And every day I am seduced by this fickle little lift.

-PHONE RINGS

-Oh, I know the feeling. Excuse me.

Oh. Hello, Mr Griffin. Yes, I'm on my way up.

Better hustle. The big man wants me.

Every morning it's like this now.

-You're wearing an awful lot of make-up.

-Am I?

Some of it has congealed in your frown lines.

Bless you for that.

-Is that a new blouse?

-Oh, yes, you noticed at last.

Do you like it? It was horribly expensive.

It's actually just horrible.

Well, thank you for the vote of confidence.

So why have you got a new blouse, anyway?

People do tend to replace their clothes from time to time, Jason.

Could I have a latte with an extra shot and an orange juice

for my delightful nephew, please?

I bought this for Bernie. Think she'll like it?

Oh, I'd forgotten she was coming back today. About time, too.

It's written on the calendar on our fridge.

Yes, well, I never bother to look at that silly thing.

That's stupid. Why even have it, then?

Sorry, just two minutes.

It's too early for Champagne but I thought I'd let you know that

your application to the Advancement of Medical Knowledge Fund

has been approved.

Seriously? That was quick.

Well, Guy Self's dream of a neuro centre is now officially over.

About that, what happened there?

It's probably best that you just accept the diverted funding.

I don't know what to say.

Do I shake your hand, or give you a man hug?

What you do is write a brilliant research paper.

But yes to a handshake.

Save the man hug for your research assistant.

I'm getting an assistant?

I've drawn up a list of junior doctors from across the wards.

There are six in all.

I'd like to keep this as an in-house Holby project.

Soon as I get a moment, I'll look into it.

I've cleared some time from your schedule, so you'll be able to interview today.

-What? That quickly?

-Hit the ground running, Mr Mayfield.

Ta-da!

What's all this?

Well, I know that you've been missing your coffee,

so I got a bottle of OJ for Mo-Yay.

Bants. Yeah, like it.

But why now?

Well, I know that Zosia has taken some time off.

There's been a lot going on, lately.

The less said about it, the better at the moment.

Well, I would like you to know that I may not be Zosia,

but I can still be a friend.

Like you and Derwood are friends.

I know I am hugely popular but everything's fine how it is.

I'd like them to be finer.

-Tell you what.

-Yes?

Some people just aren't destined to be bosom buddies.

Chemistry's all wrong. It's not a problem.

Can't love everyone, right?

Thanks for the OJ.

The consultant will be right with you.

Inga. That's, er, Swedish?

Ten out of ten.

-Ravinda.

-Ravi.

So, nice sparkler. When's the big day?

-Not long now.

-I hope he's a good man.

-One of the best.

-The best. Actually.

-As long as you say your prayers every night, I'm sure it'll be fine.

-I'm not really religious.

-Inga, she's joking. So, Ravinda...

-Ravi!

Ravi, I'm Ms Effanga. You've been experiencing chest pains?

-Can you describe them for me?

-Tightness, nothing too painful, just...

-Consistently uncomfortable?

-Mm-hm.

OK, let's get FBC, U&Es, LFT, and an ECG, please.

Will it take long? Only I've got a date tonight.

It's best we wait until we get your results. I'm sure he'll keep.

I really need to go on that date.

I say date - actually, it's a job.

-What do you do?

-I work for an agency. Honey trapping.

They have agencies for bees?

That would be so cute. Um...

Say you're a suspicious wife.

I'm not a wife yet.

Go with me on this. You think your man's playing away.

So you go online, find a honey trapping website and make a call.

I choose a sexy little number,

slap on a lipstick and set out to seduce your husband.

And that's a proper job? To destroy marriages?

The husband's already done that himself. I merely provide the proof.

-Men, eh?

-Luckily not all men.

I don't like that woman much.

Par for the course. Then again, is there any one you like much?

Apart from Derwood.

Who says I even like him?

Well, you are marrying the bloke.

We had a small fight, is all. Nothing really.

If you're telling me about it, it must be bothering you.

-What was it about?

-Nothing really worth discussing.

Then why the long face?

I'm sure you two will kiss and make up.

TEXT MESSAGE

Mr Stewart's complaining that his surgery wound feels swollen.

Sorry, I'll have to get back to you.

-Did you drain it?

-Like a pro.

Robbie left that in his bedside cabinet when they discharged him.

I just wondered whether you'd be bumping into him any time soon.

Fletch, about Robbie...

Do you know what? It's all right. I get the message.

-You do?

-It's a bit raw, innit?

Yeah, yeah. Gosh, you're more sensitive than you let on.

I'm a kitten.

To be honest, I would rather not have his name mentioned, at all.

-Is it that bad?

-Well, you've been there. You know what it's like.

My lips are sealed.

Good. Right, onwards and upwards.

Morning, Mr Harvey. I'm going to have a listen to your chest.

Sorry, you haven't seen any other doctors this morning, have you?

-No, not yet.

-Right.

TEXT MESSAGE

Sorry, bear with me one moment.

OK. Where were we? Let's have a listen to that chest.

Morning. Sorry, got held up. Lift stopped working for some reason.

-Dr Copeland?

-Oh, my God!

TEXT MESSAGE

I have a...meeting.

Hey, hey! I didn't drag you away from anything important, did I?

You know I'd drop anything for you.

And you can take that smirk off your face.

What smirk?

So, let me guess.

You've been in the wars with Inga

and you want me to tell you everything will be all right.

She's told you about our little row, then.

Sounds like it's a bigger deal than she made out.

No, no. It's just she knows what you mean to me.

You say the sweetest things. I'm welling up.

Mo, be serious, OK? Because this is exactly what's bothering Inga.

If I was her, I'd be threatened too.

I mean - look at me. I am as hot as it gets!

Is that a smile, Derwood? Mo Effanga saves another life.

THEY LAUGH

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT KNOCKS ON DOOR

You rang?

Er, hi. Um...

Sorry, I was with...Mr Harvey and his, um...lung.

-You're here now.

-Dominic!

-Hey, it's, um...

-Christian.

-From the...

-Chicken weekend.

-Yeah.

-Guys?

Sorry. Old acquaintance.

-THEY WHISPER

-So, d'you work here now?

-Yeah, I'm in orthopaedics.

-That's fantastic.

-Sorry, where was I?

You were telling us how your research plan is to gather

enough preliminary data to do a multi-centre study.

-Thank you, Jasmine.

-Pleasure.

I was hoping to find a candidate who will help with

me collating research. Christian?

So the successful applicant would be working ultra-closely with you?

At times, yes. But don't worry, I don't bite.

Mr Griffin obviously regards each of you very highly.

Trouble is, it's now about how I regard you.

So interviews will be held this afternoon.

When will we know if we've got the position?

I'm moving quickly on this so I hope to have my research buddy in place by the end of today.

Interview times will be posted on the internal website.

Thank you, everyone.

Game on, friend.

I think the word is frenemy.

I'm so winning this!

Hello, Bernie. I bought this for you. It's a welcome-back card.

Thank you, Jason, that's lovely.

You probably won't get one from Guy Self, though.

Auntie Serena told me he doesn't work here any more.

-Really?

-Mind you, Auntie Serena didn't buy you a present, either,

and she still works here.

She didn't even remember you were coming in.

-Probably busy.

-Buying horrible blouses.

Bernie.

-Welcome back to the madhouse.

-Thanks, Fletch.

It's all right, Auntie Serena.

I'd already told Bernie you'd completely forgotten her.

COMPUTER MESSAGE ALERT

Amazing, second from last. That gives me more time to prep.

-I am...

-Last. Sums you up.

Comedy and medicine, Dr Burrows.

Didn't you realise? You were the oldest one there.

Yeah, you read "old" - I read "experienced".

Research is a young person's game. You need all the energy you can get.

Yeah, take a look at the list there.

No-one is as experienced or highly qualified as I am.

You might want to read that list more carefully.

Every one of those bods has been mentioned in the Albion Quarterly.

How do you think Ric got their names? You might want to try reading

the newsletter rather than making paper aeroplanes out of it.

-Have I gone back in time?

-Right, OK.

You are not allowed to say a word to him about this.

I will...deal with it.

Your ECG results should be back soon.

What do you want to know? You've been staring at me for a while.

-Nothing, thank you.

-Inga, I specialise in people.

Problems at home?

-Excuse me?

-I meet a lot of vexed women. You're no different.

You know nothing about me.

SHE'S the possessive type -

so her husband is enjoying every second she's stuck in hospital.

That doctor walking past - he smiles every time he gets a text.

That's a man with a secret he shouldn't be keeping.

The woman in bed seven -

her husband is working out how

he can come over and chat me up without his wife seeing.

Ravi, I've got your ECG results and they've come back normal.

-Great. When can I get out of here?

-Not so fast, I'm afraid.

Since you've got tightening and pain in your chest, I'll have to order an echo.

Maybe tell your date to meet you another day.

I'm sure he'll understand.

-When are you due?

-Couple of months.

-Make sure you don't neglect your partner.

-Partner?

No, it's anonymous donor 567.

Blond hair, a Mensa-level IQ and loves fly fishing.

That's odd. I wouldn't have guessed.

You don't give off that single vibe.

Right.

-Maybe not so good at your job after all.

-Mmm.

Why don't you like her?

I do.

No. There's something there.

Dom? Hey. Was just coming to find you.

Listen, I never did call you back all those months ago,

and that was outrageously rude of me.

You can always make it up to me.

I'm not really looking for anything right now.

Tell me about Isaac. I need an in - something that'll win him over.

I've got to start moving up in the world.

You do realise we are in direct competition with each other?

Surely you're just making up the numbers.

I mean, you should have done something like this years ago.

You know what, Christian, even if I did have an in,

maybe I don't want to give it away.

You're not the only one who's looking to move up in the world.

-I'll pay.

-Now you're just being ridiculous.

Then name your deepest desire.

Are you going to do this to all the candidates?

Christian?

I need this.

You owe me for that chicken.

Right, I don't this.

OK, OK, OK.

A little help here, please!

Ravi. The echo has revealed a lump on your left lung.

It means more tests, I'm afraid.

Mainly a very thorough MRI - thoracic, abdominal and pelvic.

A big lump?

Any lump would mean further tests.

We'll try to rule out any other masses occurring with the MRI.

I'll get you booked in as soon as possible.

I could call someone - get them to come in.

You must know there isn't anyone.

Like I'm going to place my trust in someone after what I do for a living.

Great. Just what I need.

How long have you had this rash?

It's nothing. In fact, it's actually getting better.

Christian, you didn't just faint at the sight of my prodigious beauty alone.

I'm fine. Really, I've always had sensitive skin.

-Yeah, it's a little more than that.

-I've had a few long shifts lately.

I know it's silly, but sometimes I forget to eat or drink enough water.

-Which would account for the fainting.

-Look...about the fainting.

Isaac doesn't need to know about that, does he?

-He works on this ward.

-Well, there's nothing wrong with me.

Well, I'm going to do full bloods anyway.

Dom, I'm fine, I promise you. This doctor knows best.

Yeah, this doctor that's been ignoring a rash on his shin.

OK, fine.

But can we do it quickly. I need to nail that interview.

Oh, well. Let's just hope that the lab's not too busy today.

Wow. She stinks of it.

-Of what?

-Ambition. You need to watch her.

I bet she'd do anything to get that research gig.

Just so you know, I hadn't forgotten you...

forgotten that you were coming back today. It's on my calendar.

I, um, wasn't expecting a trumpet fanfare on my arrival.

Damn, all those lessons for nothing!

Anyway, um, it's good to be back.

It's good to have you back.

I don't suppose you fancy assisting later in theatre, do you?

I've got a perforated ulcer on the duodenum.

You do know how to show a girl a good time!

Auntie Serena, have you told Bernie what happened between you and Robbie?

Robbie?

I thought they were going to get back together.

I also thought she loved you, but she obviously doesn't.

I don't understand relationships.

Do you?

They are very puzzling.

Are you enjoying your first day back?

Oh, yes, yes, loving it. Every second.

I like Bernie.

Why are you frowning?

-I'm not.

-You are.

I can count the lines.

One, two, three...

Jason, please.

Have I said something wrong?

I have, haven't I?

I should get back to work.

Jason! Oh!

So the good news is we didn't find any more lumps.

That still leaves me with one.

Which we will remove.

Derwood. I study names, always a good icebreaker.

Yours means gatekeeper.

Does it really? I didn't know that. Did you?

Solid, dependable, tucks you in safe at night.

I like you.

I'm concerned that the lining of your womb might be

particularly thick and I'd like to take a look, if that's all right?

That's a chat-up line I haven't heard before.

We're thinking we could do both operations in theatre.

-I'll remove the lump.

-And I'll take a sample of the uterus wall.

-Two experts for the price of one.

-If you're in agreement, of course.

You work together a lot?

Operate in tandem? No.

You should. You guys have great chemistry.

Great.

-And by the way, Derwood?

-Yes?

I still like you, despite bad news.

You need to work on your profiling. The man's a nightmare.

-Thank you.

-Well, you are.

Oh, before you head off, we've got the wedding man remember?

-Yeah, I hadn't forgotten.

-You're going to be in theatre.

Yeah, maybe we should cancel the op.

It's just I know what it's like,

there could be an emergency and you might have to stay longer.

-SHE COUGHS:

-Selfish.

I will be there. I promise.

This is nice. This is Isaac's research project.

Ah, yes. Dr Copeland is trying to jump-start his career.

Taking it to dizzier heights, hopefully.

Well, it'll open doors for you.

I hope it opens all of them.

-Do you know what I've noticed?

-Hmm?

Silence is definitely not golden.

No-one's commented on my hair today.

Well, not to your face.

Nicely dealt with.

What is that?

THIS is my folder of success.

That's very impressive.

-Let me have a look.

-Ah!

Who doesn't love a Pretty Woman moment?

Not asking much. Just, you know,

a nice little comment about my hair would have been welcome.

Look, Sacha...

No, it's fine, don't worry about it.

What else would I expect?

Dom.

Dom.

Oh, yes.

Right.

Haemoglobin - low.

Albumin - low.

So are you still going to tell me that this is something

-to do with dehydration?

-It's nothing.

Right. What other symptoms do you have?

-I don't have any other symptoms.

-So you do.

Look, I think this is an inflammatory condition.

-Yes, yes, it is and I've got it under control.

-Really? How?

-I've been taking loperamide to stop from losing fluids.

-Loperamide?

So you've been taking what my dad takes at Christmas to help him

when he gets the squits.

We both know that this is pyoderma gangrenosum.

And if Isaac finds this out and that you've been this irresponsible

with your own health, then you can kiss goodbye

to the research position.

-Look, I'm sorry if I'm being a bit blunt, but...

-It's fine.

But, listen, if I can't have the post, then I want you to get it.

We've got to stop that woefully arrogant Jasmine.

She's not all that bad.

She's bad enough to trample all over you if she has to.

Now what you need, my friend, is a kill list.

-A kill list?

-Kill list.

Aargh!

-There we go.

-Right, we're going to send you for an X-ray, Jason.

Though I think, looking at it, with any luck, it's a dislocation.

-That's lucky?

-At least you've managed to dodge a fracture, mate.

Will I have to have an operation?

No, I doubt that very much.

I'll be back as soon as I can, all right?

So are you still OK to join me in theatre later?

Cleared my schedule.

Good, thank you.

So the elephant in the room...

Robbie's back on the scene, then?

No, no, not really.

Briefly. But I realised that...

that it was a rather large mistake.

You don't mind, do you?

Mind?

I was away.

It's your life.

Nothing to do with me.

Feel free to chuck in a cliche of your own whenever you feel like it.

Right.

Well, I was just being polite.

Absolutely no need.

Ah. Someone prepping for their interview?

Yeah, you know me. King of prep.

Listen, just so you know,

I've got to be impartial with these interviews.

I should hope so.

Our...

history shouldn't come into it.

Do you really think I would use that?

No, absolutely not. I'm just saying, this is professional, not personal.

Just trying to smooth the way.

Well, consider me smoothed.

Right.

One kill list.

There.

I'm your first casualty.

One down, four to go.

Now what?

Look, I know I'm not exactly at my best...

but what about that drink we never had?

Sure.

I guess a little shandy wouldn't hurt.

Great!

OK, so I'm going to do some digging on this lot, see what I can find.

In the meantime, you need to start getting devious.

Can you do devious, Dom?

It's a little out of character, but I'll try.

Cometh the hour...

cometh the assassin.

OK.

-How's it going?

-Good.

Did you make it up with Inga?

No, no, haven't had a second.

It'll blow over.

No comment.

Seriously?

Can we just get on with it, if that's all right?

Whatever you say, Mr Gatekeeper.

OK, I've got hold of the tumour,

I'm going to cut that bad boy right out.

-Derwood?

-Yep, I've got everything I need for the biopsy.

-So I'm just going to...

-It's OK, you only live round the corner.

MACHINE BEEPS Hang on. Tumour's stuck to the chest wall.

I can't see a thing. Suction?

Can you see the source of the bleed?

Still searching.

-More suction.

-That is very persistent.

Yeah, well, maybe two pairs of eyes are better than one.

Lift it over.

-Got it!

-There!

Right, going to need more suction, please, and a vascular clip.

Sorry.

Thank you.

You slippery little devil.

Go on, go on. You've got this.

Mo?

Haemostatic control.

We're going to need to put her on a chest drain.

Well... So that was a...

Yeah. It certainly was.

Thank you so much for agreeing to meet me.

-Oh, do you want sugar?

-No, I'm good, thanks.

Right, I'm going to cut straight to the chase.

Look, this can't go any further, but apparently the research position

was already preordained, if you catch my drift.

So, basically, we're all just here to make this whole process

look democratic. Hospital politics and all.

I mean, personally, I am pretty furious about the whole situation.

So much so that I've just decided I'm not going to bother going to the interview.

Well, I mean, maybe...

Why don't we make a pact?

Why don't we just both not show up?

-OK, absolutely.

-Yeah.

That'll show them.

OK, let's lift this liver.

Pechinku.

Bless you...?

It's Ukrainian for liver.

Very helpful.

Just a shame we live in England and speak English.

-You've got a tear. Yep. More packs, please.

-What are you doing?

-What does it look like?

-We're not in the Somme now.

Look, I'll pack it, we'll get lucky, it'll stop bleeding.

No, we don't have time for that.

Can I have some haemostatic glue, please? Quickly!

This'll be fine.

Thank you.

Pleasure's all mine.

That is outrageous!

-Shh!

-Look, I've got my friend Dominic here with me.

Can you tell him what you just told me?

Hello?

Say that again?

Hold on. He was caught drinking on duty.

No wonder they wanted to hush that up.

Look, would you be able to do me a favour?

Would you be able to e-mail that report through

to a Mr Isaac Mayfield, please?

OK. Thanks. Bye-bye.

-Boom. Cross him off.

-Yes!

Haven't had this much fun since...

Well, pretty much ever.

We do need to get serious now for a minute.

Your results have come back for your other tests...

and they're not great.

Dom, don't pull that face at me.

There is a very strong indication that you have Crohn's disease.

-I'm really sorry.

-Don't be.

Let's face it, it's hardly a huge surprise.

Well, look, I can get you booked in for a colonoscopy to confirm

as soon as it's possible.

Wow. You must really like me.

I'm just trying to be professional.

Liar.

I am so going to get you back for that,

after I've got the bunk bed, of course. I'll see you later, yeah?

Inga?

Hey.

-What's all this?

-Ignore me, I'm fine.

It's a bit hard to ignore.

No, really.

Come on, talk to me. I am the curer of all ills.

You'll just laugh.

All clowns are serious on the inside.

I feel like such an idiot.

The wedding man just kept saying,

"It would be best if your intended was here.

"A marriage is about two people."

But Derwood couldn't be bothered.

-He was in theatre, I can vouch for that.

-It's not about that.

We had words, which you knew.

We've hardly had any since.

Good or bad.

He just doesn't seem to care.

You're just having a bad day, all couples have them.

How do I fix this, Mo?

If you have any bright ideas, then I would love to hear them.

You know him better than I do.

How do I get Derwood back?

Sorry, I've been waiting for interviewees that never showed up.

Well, that's the "yoot" of today for you.

Anyway, I have taken the liberty of booking a theatre slot.

Not that I'm attempting to curry favour at all.

-I get it, Dom. Professional all the way.

-Exactly.

Christian?

Temperatures high, pulse is racing.

-BP at 90, 60.

-Right.

Feels like peritonitis. He must have perforated.

-OK, so we need to get him for a scan?

-No, we need to get moving.

Clinical diagnosis is enough for now. Porter!

-Why didn't you look after yourself?

-I thought I was.

-Where are you going to take me on our date?

-Um...

You can choose that. You can surprise me.

And relax. And...

-CRACK

-Argh!

There we go. All better.

-It doesn't feel better.

-You've been very brave.

Do you want to check?

No, I'm sure it's perfect.

Right, good. Well, I've got to run.

She shouldn't run in a hospital. It's dangerous.

She'll be fine.

-You're still frowning.

-Am I?

Shall I tell you a joke?

Do you know what? I think I'd really like that.

When the other candidates hear about this, they'll be jealous.

What's left of them.

How well do you know Christian?

Not hugely. Why?

You seem pretty close.

We're going for a shandy. It's hardly a shotgun Vegas wedding.

-Ah. Do you think he'll need a stoma?

-You tell me.

Well, in the McLendon's group study from Canada...

-When did you go to Canada?

-..the stoma rate was 12% in perforated

versus 2.8% in non-perforated Crohn's surgery.

So you're thinking stoma?

But, then again, Christian is young, the rest of his bowel

looks relatively healthy - enough to withstand an anastomosis.

And, if we were to hand sew, then the leak rate would be a lot lower.

What do you think?

I think anastomosis it is.

Which I'd planned from the start, obviously.

But I appreciate you keeping up-to-date

with all the right literature.

Very...

dedicated.

Well, you know me.

Clamp, please.

-I'm still alive?

-Alive and kicking.

We've had your results back.

The lump tested benign

and you have also tested negative for endometrial cancer.

So I'm...?

In the clear.

I really thought that...

-Sorry.

-It's all right, take your time.

I really thought this was it.

You'll have to stay in hospital for the next three days.

You did cancel that date, right?

Are you trying to read ME now?

I was just thinking.

It's a rare talent, to be able to read people.

It's just a shame you have to read the bad things.

That's the world I'm in.

But you could put people together just as easily as you pull them apart.

What's happened, Inga?

It's what didn't happen.

Inga...

..I've got an idea.

It's probably just nerves.

Or something you ate or drank recently?

OK, if you could just send in the next candidate, please?

-Can I come in?

-Please do.

And, FYI, it's between you and Dom now,

-which is convenient.

-Don't look at me, I am not responsible.

Are you sure about that?

Yes, because I have been very busy with this.

It's just odd that people should miss out on

-such a golden opportunity.

-Well, fortunately, I'm not one of them.

As you will see, I'm the only one who's looked into

your research project, and this is what I've come up with so far.

-I see.

-I mean, this is just the tip of the iceberg.

-I really hope so.

-Those are not mine.

-Look...

-I swear to you.

You can read whatever you like, Jasmine.

-So sneaky.

-Shall we just start?

There's no stoma bag.

No. Not yet anyway.

But you are now going to have to acknowledge your condition.

I have prescribed you a course of prednisolone.

Great.

Steroids.

I can watch my hair thin and my skin stretch from the added poundage.

You will also need to undergo a course of immunological therapy.

Which will put me out of action for months.

That's exactly what I was trying to avoid.

Ugly and useless.

I wish I'd never met you, Copeland.

Hey, come on now. Let's be positive.

Hair weighs quite a lot.

So what you're gaining in some areas, you'll be losing in others.

And that is part of life's symmetry...

and you're still the lovable toff you always were.

See, that's what I'll be needing now - a whip-smart comeback.

Yeah, you do need to work on that.

I mean, look at me, I'm drowning in drink offers.

Yeah.

I was thinking about that.

When you get that research post...

If!

..you're going to be too busy to get that shandy.

I think, maybe, this was our moment.

And I had a lot of fun.

Didn't you?

Apart from almost dying from colon complications, yeah.

See?

Whip-smart comebacks.

Well, what about the 16th?

Yeah?

Great. OK, I'll see you then.

No. Of course not. I won't tell anyone, Jac. OK. Bye-bye.

INDISTINCT SHOUTING

-Inga.

-Sh!

-Excuse me?

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

# I feel it in my fingers... #

Louder!

# I feel it in my toes

# Love is all around me

# And so the feeling grows... #

-Keep going.

-I can't.

-Will you sing? Sing! Come on! Get your...

# It's written on the wings... #

Come on, sing!

# It's everywhere I go

# Oh, yes, it is

BOTH: # So if you really love me... #

-You two!

-ALL: # Come on and let it show... #

Oh!

Brilliant.

Bosom buddies, huh?

# You know I love you

# I always will... #

That song always cheers me up.

OK. I've got a hypothetical case here.

CT scans and all the relevant test results.

I'd like you to take a look, please.

OK.

Are you just going to watch me?

Probably.

Is that a problem?

No. It just makes me feel a bit frinkly, is all.

"Frinkly"?

Yeah, frinkly.

Like when your teacher used to lean right over you during

arts and crafts.

Well...

I'll try not to lean too far.

I've booked you a follow-up appointment in two weeks' time,

and we'd like you to come in for an annual check-up as well.

Makes me sound like a car.

We do MOTs as well.

You've perked up.

I won a battle today.

Don't get complacent, Inga. This is one battle. There'll be more.

-And I'll be ready.

-Oh, fighting talk! I like it!

So, if I do change my job and take up helping couples,

I don't want to see you knocking on my door. Deal?

Deal.

-She's a sly fox.

-What?

-I had this feeling they were together.

No...

Blond hair, Mensa-level IQ, loves fly fishing.

Oh!

And you know what, even from here,

I can tell they're going to be all right together.

Oh, wow! Oh, my goodness...

In theatre, I would take the IMV centrally.

Why centrally?

You just need to look at the European data.

-I do?

-Yep.

They suggest an 11% decrease in the chance of recurrence

over a period of five years - if you take it centrally.

I never read that report.

Well, there's a copy of it at home.

Is what you do now? Study European data at night?

-That and wax Sacha's legs.

-You are living the life.

Nearly got enough to stuff a pillow.

In case anyone stays over?

Is this still part of the interview?

HE LAUGHS

I don't know any more.

Horrible, horrible man.

-I don't know what you're talking about.

-Want these back?

-Ow!

There's an article in one of them called Stabbed In The Back By My Colleague.

Jasmine, you're smart. There will be plenty of other opportunities

for you and the others.

But this chance, this golden opportunity belongs to me.

It just has to.

Despicable you.

-You all right?

-Yeah. I think I can even go back to work now.

I'd think twice about that if I were you.

One thing I don't understand.

Why did you get dressed up and put on lots and lots of make-up?

That doesn't matter now. In fact there's only one thing that matters.

And that's you. And do you know why?

Because I am your auntie and you are my nephew and we don't need

anyone else.

As we all know, where there's a winner there's always, unfortunately, a loser.

And despite the no-shows, the sudden illness,

all the strange activity,

I've managed to make a decision.

Now, I don't want to let either of you down but I can't have

two research assistants.

So, basically, if you're up for it,

Jasmine,

you're about to embark on a very tough and demanding journey with me.

Wait, what?

We start tomorrow.

SHE GASPS AND LAUGHS

It was close.

Honestly, it was so close.

Nice work, friend.

Should I call a psych?

HE SIGHS

Hello. Sorry.

You know, we do have to stop meeting like this.

HE LAUGHS

-Do you mind?

-No, be my guest.

There's an urban legend about this roof.

Medics come up here to die?

It's an elephant's graveyard.

So, erm, professional elephant

or personal elephant?

That's tricky.

Can I say both?

Yes, absolutely you can say both.

You?

Personal.

The one that got away?

Very much The One.

I don't know why they do this to us.

Hm?

Surely they must know that it's so much easier just to give us

what we want.

SHE CHUCKLES

We're nice, good people!

We're deeply attractive, and we don't smell.

I don't.

We're perfect.

They're all just clearly mad.

I don't suppose...

-What?

-You'd consider...turning?

HE LAUGHS

We're perfect. We'd be wonderful together.

You do realise you would have to turn as well.

-I'm game.

-OK. Fair dos.

I really like Serena.

I really like Isaac.

-So what's this called again?

-Jansson's Temptation.

Jansson's Temptation, eh?

Well, it smells absolutely delicious and I'm tempted!

Oh, and, by the way, I've booked the wedding man again.

Mo was talking about her blond baby.

Blond baby? No, it's a ginger baby.

That's going to be some kid. No complexion and bright orange hair.

Wow.

She definitely said blond.

No, it was ginger. I was there when she told me.

Can I say I'm sorry?

In a cuddly, let's-be-friends-again kind of way?

Stop talking to my hair.

I'm not, I'm not.

I'm looking at your physicality,

your stance, your manliness...

-I look absolutely ridiculous, don't I?

-Only from the scalp up.

The rest of you is 100% to die for.

This was meant to be the new me.

What was wrong with the old you?

Well, it was...old.

There's nothing wrong with old. Old is hot.

I went out to dinner with Essie, before my 50th.

The waitress came over and said, what are you celebrating?

And I said I've got a big birthday coming up.

And she said, "Oh, what? Your 60th?"

Well, I hope you didn't tip her.

Do I look 60?

A little. Only at the moment.

Your hair looks younger than your face.

And your face has gained more wrinkles since you've been

worrying about your hair!

Nice try. No, that's very...

You should think about therapy.

THEY LAUGH

I didn't get the research post.

Oh.

-Who did he choose?

-Guess.

Pretty woman with her bulging folder and her puppy-dog eyes.

-Yeah, I thought he might.

-Cheers. Ever the visionary.

You know it's my hair, it's enriched my brain.

Please! It's not enriched anything!

Well, I think you'll find, actually...

Just to let you know. I might be moving on.

DOOR CLOSES

Again? You've only just got back.

Ric's promised to look into getting me transferred.

Jason?

For Pete's sake. What's he doing?

Look what we found. I understand now, Auntie Serena.

I TOTALLY understand.

What was he holding?

It was a gift.

From me to you.

Spread your legs a bit then. Spread them further.

Oh. Oh.

WATER FLOWS

Oh.

WATER FLOWS

Let's never have days like this ever again.

GLASSES CLINK Never.

You know what? I'm so glad that we're the three amigos again.

Well, four, when Mo's little one comes along.

You like the thought of that, then? Of a baby?

Oh, yeah. I mean, who doesn't?

Good.

Then that makes what I've got to say so much easier.

I did a test this morning, Derwood.

I didn't know how to tell you, what with our little argument

getting in the way, but now we're fine again.

I can tell you.

I'm pregnant.

Oh, Inga!

Come on then, let's ride this hog home.

-Hi.

-You OK?

Yeah. Peachy. Always peachy.

-Listen...

-You don't need to explain. It's fine.

Jasmine is an excellent choice.

She's also eager to please and, hopefully, a bit easier to control.

-And I'm not?

-You are the man who sabotaged his rivals.

That's terrible slander, Mr Mayfield.

What did you put in his coffee? Laxative?

You wound me.

CAR ENGINE REVS

Your ride's here.

Yeah.

New boyfriend?

Boyfriend? God, no. He's straight as a die.

Happens to be working this way for a couple of weeks.

So just...friends?

Yeah. Just a friend.

You and Christian.

That going anywhere?

No.

We had our time in the sun.

Really?

Really.

CAR HORN BEEPS

You better go. Good luck with the paper and the research.

I really do hope it takes you places.

The reason you didn't get the post is because

I can't be in a relationship with my research assistant.

I'd blow the grant,

I'd ruin the project and mess up everything if I'd chosen you, Dom.

Did I just hear you right?

-Maybe my ears are a little bit wonky. But...

-Yes.

You did.

-I'll call security. They'll have a spare...

-No, wait.

I haven't been entirely honest with you.

Are you even listening?

Absolutely.

I should've just told you... Oh, forget it.

You can't even bring yourself to look at me.

No, no. I am. I'm looking.

I like you. No, God...

More than like you.

I know I've messed things up, I've done the wrong things.

I've said the wrong things.

When I was in Ukraine, there was only one thing I could think about.

And that was you, Serena.

It still is.

Right.

So we pick up where we left off?

I was all but begging you not to leave,

in front of the entire ward, but you went off regardless.

-I wanted to commit to you, I did.

-And yet you still left.

We've become such close friends.

And I've destroyed too many friendships in my life,

I...got scared.

I didn't want to destroy ours.

So all the texts and e-mails that I sent.

You responded to with radio silence?

I was rubbish, I know.

I'm sorry.

Well, I'm hoping something has changed then.

Me. I've changed.

II don't want that horrible, empty,

lonely feeling ever again.

What's he doing?

I believe he's playing cupid.

How's that...working for him?

Not very well, given that you're leaving again.

I won't.

If you give me a reason to stay.

Will this do?

-Auntie Serena.

-Ignore him.

-I've lost the key.