The Letters of Septimus Noone Jonathan Creek

This programme contains some violent scenes and some scenes of a sexual nature.

DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC

My God, who did this thing?!

Mathilde, speak to me!

# In the darkness, scarce I saw him

# Man or beast, I could not tell PHONE RINGS

# Soft his shadow fell before him

# Apparition born in Hell

# Ghostly, ghastly, through the gloom

# He struck me down upon the stair

# Then a black abyss consumed me

# When I woke he was not there

# He had vanished in the air... #

-MALE ACTOR:

-But how could he have escaped

through a locked door and a barred window?!

It's impossible!

-#

-What evil creature of the night

-#

-Was here and then took flight?

# What phantom in this chamber Yet may hide?

-#

-What demon in his dark domain May yet remain?

WHISPERED ARGUMENT

# What secrets in The Yellow Room reside? #

So, how did that work for you, then, tactically?

You might know the man would try and bite you in the neck.

I might know he'd try and bite me in the neck? No!

Do we have to assume everyone in the theatre's a vampire now, do we?

Hi, Polly and Jonathan Creek, MMP Marketing.

we're here to see Zelda Niedlespascher.

60 quid a throw, you expect a little decorum.

I'd hate to see where they try and bite you in the cheap seats...

Can't you ever turn a blind eye to these things?

It may not be our biggest account, but very high profile,

and it'll be great to get their creative input

on the rebranding strategy for next year.

Yeah, well, The Mystery of the Yellow Room? I'm sorry, Gaston Leroux?

Only happens to be one of THE benchmark novels

of impossible crime fiction.

Whereas THAT was just two and a half hours of complete and utter tos...

-Ow!

-Polly and Jonathan, hello!

-Hello!

Oh, mon Dieu, quel dommage!

-Mais, qu'est-ce qui s'est passe?

-On va au theatre, c'est comme la Bataille de la Somme.

I know, I know, you don't have to say it.

My whole interpretation in the gondola scene,

it lacked phrasing, it lacked modulation, it lacked intensity.

It also lacked the gondola. Did you notice?

Three nights now, Zelda, we have to walk on water because the man in

the wings with his toy boats can't pull a screwdriver out of his arse!

-What's going on?

-Yes, yes, we fix in the morning, OK?

10.30, all the technicals.

And I cast these people!

A leading lady with no confidence, a leading man with no patience.

You want some true insights for your campaign?

you should come back tomorrow and witness the chaos.

Yes, well, tomorrow, sadly, we're out of town, aren't we?

Sunday lunch at Sharon's with their little eight-year-old?

Promised to go and say hello to the new pony.

Or had you forgotten?

No, no, no. I hadn't forgotten.

Hey, Angus.

-You all right?

-Oh, I've got some post for you.

Thank you. Night-night, sweetie.

Was it a late one?

Sorry.

How was your day?

You all right?

HE GRUNTS

Stop it. Stop it!

Stop it, get off me! Get off!

What, what? For God's sake, what's wrong?

What's wrong is that I'm not here any more, am I?

-It's just you and her!

-You're wrong.

It's a sickness, Angus, what's going on with that woman in your head.

And I swear to God, you are going to have to deal with it,

because I'm sorry, I can't!

No, well, listen, it works for Roger.

I mean, an hour on the train each day, but what's that?

When you were born and brought up in the country, it's just...

Cos obviously we've only just started looking around, but,

no, definitely feeling the time's right now to make the move.

Anyway, listen. It's meant the world to her today, you coming over.

Especially after that big upset this week,

which, I have to say, she's taken amazingly well.

Upset?

Yeah. Last Tuesday was awful. Her imaginary friend died.

They were out together playing in the garden,

and this dragon came down and just completely burnt her alive,

there on the spot, with its fiery breath.

I mean, horrible, right?

All that oozing skin, and eyes melting in their sockets?

But listen - did I tell you?

-Ridley's going to be joining us for dinner tonight?

-Oh!

Managed to sneak the weekend off from uni.

You know he's been doing this module in advanced criminology?

I tell you, it's like this genius talent he's got for working things out

from the tiniest details and scraps of evidence.

Of course, that's his big dream, is a career in forensic detection,

so, obviously, you know, he's desperate to talk to your husband,

-about how to...

-Yeah. Jonathan's not a detective.

No, no. But all those weird cases he's solved.

Yeah, are the very thing we're trying to put behind us, Sharon.

You know, it would be nice to live in the real world now if we can.

-CHILD SCREAMS

-Ripley? What is it? What's happened!

He chopped the head off my pony!

Chopped the head off her pony?

What? What?

I was showing her some pictures I took of the two of them

and I said, "I'm sorry about that one.

-"Looks like I've cut his head off."

-How could you say such a thing!

Don't you even THINK before you speak?

She has a very vivid imagination.

So what does she think I am now, some kind of hit man for the Mafia?

She's only got to go in the stable, hasn't she?

-See it's still standing there.

-Why would she go in the stable now,

which she presumably thinks is swimming in horse's blood?

Ripley, it's OK, he's fine, he's fine, I promise!

Ripley and Ridley.

No prizes for guessing what her favourite film is.

ROMANTIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC

# Drifting together in a daydream

# Floating for ever on a moonbeam

# Beneath a dark enchanted night

# Where silver stars Bestow their light

# Upon the waters from above

# Where on an evening such as this

# An angel watching our first kiss

# Came down and taught us how to love... #

-Whoa, whoa, whoa!

-SHE RETCHES

TUBA PARPS OFF KEY

SHE COUGHS

-Oh, my God!

-For God's sake, Zelda!

It's all right, sweetheart, it's OK.

What did I say?

I said we'd not seen the last of that sweet and sour squid.

Just a touch of mal de mer, you'll be fine.

It's not that, Darryl, it's me,

I'm rubbish.

The things you read now.

Apparently, I'm just this third-rate maladroit soubrette.

Blonde, bland, and blind to her own inadequacies.

Critics! It's the public you should listen to.

Oh, that was the public. That was in the ladies' toilet upstairs.

Written on the cistern, in lipstick.

TUBA PARPS, SPLOSHING

Today's fan club, tomorrow's lynch mob. What are they like?

-Here.

-Thank you.

I tell you, there's some really frightening people out there.

OK, first positions then, everyone, let's start again!

-Bye, Juno.

-Bye.

DISTANT YELLING

GLASS SMASHES, DOG BARKS

DISTANT SHOUTS

You - Juno Pirelli?

I've got a present for you.

SHE GASPS

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God! No, no, no, no!

No, no, no!

No! Oh, no! Oh, no!

What have you done?!

Oh, shit, oh, shit! Jesus, what have you done?!

Get away from her! Get away! Open that door!

-It's OK.

-JUNO GASPS

TYRES SCREECH

Mmm, smells great. Lovely.

Oh, now, please, sugar, don't do that.

That's only on trees, remember? Come away from there.

-Epitaph, for her imaginary friend?

-No, just likes carving her name.

Which is all very well, but...

Come on, Ripley, think it's way past your bedtime, so, off you go.

Ah! Here he is, the man of the moment!

-How were the trains? You have a good journey?

-Yeah, fine.

Ridley, this is Jonathan.

-Hi, Jonathan, a real pleasure.

-Me, too.

-Polly, hi.

Hello!

So, I see you're just back from Reykjavik, both of you?

-Hope you had an enjoyable flight.

-I beg your pardon?

Reykjavik? You never said! You see? This is what he does.

How, I have absolutely no idea.

Oh, come on, you make me sound like some kind of sorcerer!

When, as Jonathan knows,

there's no trick to the art of simple observation.

The abrasions round the side of your neck, quite recent,

quite deep, and quite nasty.

Something feral at work.

If not feral, then certainly not happy. A pet, perhaps?

Provoked or antagonised? Or traumatised?

In your bag, a diary entry, largely obscured, for yesterday.

A visit somewhere, to a cemetery? A monastery? A presbytery?

The name, Zelda, a touch too exotic. More plausibly feline.

A cattery, then, but boarding or collecting?

Allow room for Zelda. where. In a car full of bags?

Returning from the airport, surely?

Why drop a cat off more than 24 hours before departure.

And a week or two in a kennel would explain the feisty behaviour.

The watch on your wrist, still set for a previous time zone,

is one hour behind, which leaves us only Iceland or north-west Africa.

Yet no discernible suntans and that faint reddening of the left eyelid.

What else but a biting Arctic wind? So, you see.

Really very simple. Anyway, if you'll excuse me a sec while I just, erm...

Should I tell him it needs a new battery?

Oh, God! Oh, my God, no!

Sharon? What is it? You OK? What's happened?

It's my dad. He's dead.

What do you mean, he's dead?

It just says, "I'm sorry to let you know,

"he just peacefully slipped away, about half an hour ago."

-Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God!

-Oh, Sharon, I'm so sorry.

Oh, no!

You know what? This isn't my phone!

It must be your phone! Oh, thank you, God!

Thank you so much!

Cos I just naturally picked it up off there and...

What a relief! I mean, that really scared me to...

..death.

Oh, yeah, so that's, erm...

You'll...

..probably want to...

It's OK, you're going to be OK.

Doesn't look like it's deep at all, as far as I can tell.

It's just a flesh wound.

Thank God.

The thick coat, I think, took the worst of it.

SHE COUGHS

Why, Angus? Why?

Y-You have to try and understand...

She's in this really bad place at the moment.

16 months. It's not getting any better.

16 months since...?

He was barely four weeks old.

Emotionally, she's like...

Everything's a conspiracy, everything's a threat.

I try and tell her it's all in her mind, this morbid insecurity.

I didn't mean to hurt you!

Oh, God, what have I done?!

SHE SOBS

More time. She just needs more time.

SOBBING CONTINUES

No, no, you've done a wonderful job, Mr Partridge, thank you.

-It's just...

-I think any more red in the cheeks and we'll be getting

-a bit Prince Harry.

-Yes.

He just looks a bit... sad, I suppose.

-I suppose you would be.

-We can cheer him up if you'd prefer.

Could you? Yes. Just perhaps, erm...

Oh, God.

Things hadn't been good for some time, but...

Just seemed to go downhill so fast.

It seems like only yesterday he was here

making arrangements for your dear mother.

11 years.

Is it really?

And so, great big empty house there, now.

What will you do, will you put it on the market, do you think?

Oh, who knows?

Why is everything so hard?

Rigor mortis, I think you'll find.

How can a house die?

It doesn't have to. It's whatever we put into it.

I'm sure they'd both have wanted that.

And for the life of me, I'm still not getting this.

You won't go to the hospital, or the police?

Bloody woman needs locking up!

She needs help! Darryl, if you'd been there...

And all I could think was, what would it do to me, you know?

It's like, where is the justice in her life?

Come on, I turn up at A&E now, with a stab wound?

It's going to be a bit tricky to explain.

God forbid we ever let a jury near this -

they're the people that write on toilet cisterns.

Well, you need to get that looked at, young lady,

and by someone who's handy with a needle.

I might know someone. Meantime...

Meantime...

..you think you might have something?

For you, my sweet, always.

I'm a magician, you know that.

When was it, you said, last year in that Joe Orton,

a certain well-known young actress with a Caesarean scar?

You had to come up with this special prosthetic. See?

You star turn! We'll make this work, won't we?

Cos I promised him, you know? For her.

Two minutes for the pasta.

I managed to cobble a sauce together, of sorts. What's that?

No, just having a nose around. Found it in one of those books.

Oh, yeah, from the local paper.

Used to keep this next to him, just there on his desk.

Shame about the blasted coffee ring.

Got the look of a halo ...

Yeah, well. To him, she was always a saint.

Oh, God, yes. Ironic after yesterday.

Me with my imaginary friend.

Polly and Orez. "Oreth"?

Name my mum came up with because she was half Spanish.

Tickled me at the time, all those funny little Latin references

when I was growing up.

Oh, God, it was never going to be easy, was it?

Come on, shall we... Shall we go and eat?

# Some mysteries our hearts Cannot conceive

# And when the story-teller's Tale is spun, and we are one

# BOTH: What secrets will The Yellow Room reveal? #

I'm in front of 1,500 people back there, for God's sake.

This bloody thing keeps coming back on.

-Night.

-Night, darling.

Look, it's ridiculous!

SHE GASPS

KNOCK AT DOOR

-Darling, can I leave these with you to sign?

-OK.

-Some children from my old ballet school.

-Just a sec, Zelda.

They thought you were sensational tonight! When you have the time.

-Yes! Surely.

-Bye, my darling.

-Night, Zelda.

Oh, Chloe! Tu etais parfaite ce soir...

SHE WINCES

SHE CRIES OUT

Juno? Are you all right in there?

Mon Dieu! Oh, my precious one!

What in the name of God?

Someone get an ambulance and ring for the police!

-What happened?

-She's been stabbed!

But how? No-one came in or out of the room, I would have seen!

We all would have seen! There was nobody here!

The whole thing is impossible!

Why am I remembering that Conrad Veidt silent classic,

The Man Who Laughs?

You think they might have gone too far now, in the other direction?

HE CLEARS THROAT

Yes, I know, I know. Oh, Jonathan. This is Hazel.

-Auntie Hazel.

-Hello.

-My mum's closest friend.

Just always been around, haven't you?

For my dad, especially these last few weeks.

I'm so grateful.

And listen, Polly. One word, if I may, at this difficult time?

Hope.

You know, it's only a week since I lost my mother who was 86, but...

Doesn't make it any easier.

And all I'm saying, and I want you to think about this,

the end can actually be a beginning

if you open your eyes and your mind, to other possibilities.

-What are these?

-Well. You tell me, Polly, what you see in them.

Angels, ghosts. The spirits of departed souls who just happen

to have been caught on camera.

This one just takes your breath away.

You see there, in the fountain?

This was my granddaughter, Gracie, who I swear,

had no idea the angel was behind her.

Although she does say that she felt like a cold shiver

-on the back of her neck as she was sitting there.

-Go on?

Then there was my Auntie Norma here saying a prayer in the sky.

OK, yes, with her hands pressed together.

That was taken ten years to the day after she died.

PHONE RINGS

-QUIETLY:

-Jonathan Creek.

Now, obviously I know, there's a lot of people just think this is

all completely cranky, but...

My God! No, that's erm... Yeah.

Distinctly odd.

Hang onto those, I've got copies.

And I'm just writing you a link now to a website,

-that just gave me so much comfort.

-Thank you.

Well, weird or what? That was Zelda.

Yellow Room producer?

Juno Pirelli, the star of the show, is in hospital in a coma.

They found her last night in her dressing room

after the performance, stabbed in the stomach.

And from what she's just told me...

Please don't say it.

Not a bloody impossible crime.

Ooh, now, then. Do I hear the words "work experience"?

They are thinking perhaps some kind of crazed fan

with an obsession about the story in the show.

But in the show, of course, we explain...

The injuries had all occurred before the character went in the room.

Yes, but here only ten minutes before, not a mark on her body.

I saw with my own eyes!

Morning! How are you today, Polly?

-Wasn't sure if I'd still find you here.

-No, well...

We were overdue some downtime from the office, so...

Question is, I suppose,

whether I can bear to imagine anyone else living here.

Or whether it's fate, in a way, that's brought us back...

You all right today, Hazel? You look as though you've seen a ghost.

OK, OK.

Early intimations only, but... A crime of passion, we can fairly assume.

A lover, very much her senior, age 50-51, possibly 52.

A tall man. Somewhat simian in appearance. In excess of 6'.

Disproportionately long arms and big hands.

And, dare I venture, no mean athlete in the bedroom department.

We know from the angle of penetration the blade was inserted from below.

The victim's in a state of undress, yet comfortable with her

assailant's proximity. They were clearly embracing.

The force of the blow implies recoil. Witness three grey hairs

on the door where the back of his head made contact.

The position gives us his height. The colour, his age.

Very early 50s. Any older would make the liaison improbable.

A dead wasp in the saucer - has to be recent.

But swatted against the wall too high up,

too far across, for all but our elongated giant to reach.

The thickness of the magazine he rolled up bears testament

to the girth of his grip.

His sexual prowess?

Such an ungainly man surely had some allure.

As for his means of exit...

Of course.

She could have climbed on a chair and used both hands?

And I've seen a grey angora sweater hanging on that hook in there.

But then, what do we know?

Have to make a start tomorrow, I suppose, on the dreaded clothes.

If anything's guaranteed to finish me off...

All these people who talk about catharsis and closure.

I know. As if grief can be just stuffed into a black bin liner

and sent to Oxfam.

You've had a long day.

Come on.

So how did all that go this morning, at the theatre?

Are you any the wiser about what happened?

Oh, I dunno.

What's that about the torch being passed to the new generation?

Think I may just be getting very old.

Yeah, well, I wasn't going to tell you this,

but while you were there I had another visit from our friend Hazel.

And if you thought those photographs took the biscuit...

It's like she had this weird story she absolutely swears is true.

'You remember last week she told us her mother died?

'86, apparently, but still had her own house.

'And after she left here yesterday, she went up to the crematorium

'to collect the ashes. Took them back there to scatter in the garden.

'Suddenly, her phone rings...'

PHONE RINGS

-'..and they go everywhere.'

-Oh, no!

-Hello?

-'The phone call's from her next door neighbour

'to say that the cat has got out of the house onto a busy main road,

'so in a mad panic, she has to dash straight out again.

'Couple of hours later she comes back

'ready to clear it all up.

'Except now they've gone.

'They've completely vanished from the room,

'and she's absolutely adamant there was nobody else in the house,

'it was all locked up, she was the only one with a key.

'There were no windows open, no draughts or breezes,

'or anything that could have got to them.

'It was like, in her words, it was just as if...'

God must have taken her...

..to heaven.

So, is that it then, do you think?

It's a terrible thing when your mind starts to go.

And to think what a loyal friend she was to my mum.

And such a tower of strength, at the end, when she...

HE SNORES

# Apparition born in hell

# Ghostly, ghastly

# Through the gloom... #

OK, time to dive in, I suppose.

Is it me or is there something different here?

This was her last performance, same night as the stabbing.

Off someone's phone in the audience.

Dunno. Maybe not quite the same passion?

Bit of an off-night, maybe.

Hmm. I'll come and give you a hand in a bit.

No rush.

How you getting on? OK?

What have you found?

I dunno. Looks like a note from my mum just before she died.

Virtually unreadable.

I remember she could barely hold a pen by that time.

"My Dearest Peter,

"I have just one final heartfelt request..."

I think that is. "Under the...

"something, something or other you'll find a box.

"Please, please destroy without opening. Cathy."

"Under the thin backroom."

Bedroom, is it?

Bedroom! Bedroom...

-Flowerbed?

-Floorboard, maybe?

Er...

"Under the third bedroom floorboard,

"you'll find a box."

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Oh, hi, Hazel, how are you?

This afternoon?

Erm... Well, I suppose I could.

What time?

Third bedroom floorboard.

Third floorboard, but from which end?

Or try both...

Ahh!

-Oh, my God!

-Is that you in there?

Yes!

God Almighty, you scared me to death!

Sorry, I was just under the third bedroom floorboard.

This is the third bedroom and this has got to be the floorboard.

It's the only one that's not nailed down. Fairly obviously.

Maybe he did find it, and did exactly as she asked him to...

Hang on a sec.

What did she say? Please destroy without opening?

Yes, bugger that.

I'm so sorry.

Not really what you wanted on top of everything else.

Two years...

-looks like this was going on.

-Thank God he didn't find them.

Sounds as if it got pretty heavy, on both sides.

You imagine?

Behind his back...

for two years. I...

I can't believe it.

And Septimus?

-Who the bloody hell is Septimus? Septimus who?

-Hmm.

These all her books in this room, I take it.

What?

God, you think you know people.

Someone you grew up with your whole life!

And you realise you actually never knew them at all.

Oh. I didn't hear you go out.

Yep, just up the road. Had to get an orange, so...

Right. For any particular reason or just...?

No. Just when I was in that dressing room I saw something.

Corner of my eye... Didn't sit right.

Sometimes if you can get back in the moment

and recreate the association, one thing'll trigger the other.

So where is it you're going again? You did say.

Oh, this Hazel woman. What was that all about again?

Her mother's ashes.

She went to collect them the other day, from the crematorium

-and when she got back...

-That was it.

That was it.

-Sawjoy. On the picture.

-What?

Signature of an artist on a big abstract painting

that was on her wall.

You have to say, that was odd.

Sawjoy? Does sound very made-up.

What's that got to do with anything?

Erm, no, the fact that it sounds made-up is not what was odd.

Sorry, you were saying? About Hazel.

I'll tell you when I get back.

I mean, no, when you think

I knew her probably better than anyone, but Septimus?

No, I never heard her mention that name before, ever.

-Septimus who?

-Well, exactly! And it's all there, in black and white.

Stuff they got up to, you've no idea.

Talk about a shock to the system.

Anyway, look, thanks so much for popping round.

I do appreciate it. Erm, shall we?

So, when you said on the phone about grasping the nettle this afternoon,

what exactly did...?

Sorry, has there been a power cut?

Patience, I think, Polly, is all that's required.

You see...

..I know she's here.

PHONE RINGS

Jonathan!

Hi, is this a good moment? It's Ridley.

Yeah. Hi, Ridley, How you doing?

Surprisingly well, surprisingly well.

Though hobbled for a while, I must admit,

by the ingenuity of a master strategist in this case,

who relied upon us all accepting the prima facie evidence

of an attack that took place within the woman's dressing room.

Crucially, the upward incision of the blade,

which meant the assailant had to be standing close against the victim.

But did it?

Take the pieces of this puzzle apart. The direction of the wound,

the copious bleeding on the floor, and put them back together again,

and a very different picture emerges...

..of a lithe young singer-dancer, we know looks after her body,

and with her nightly work-out presents the perfect inverted target

for a weapon with a disappearing missile.

Oh!

Coolly constructed in every sense, who would suspect a crossbow

firing a shard of frozen blood?

Designed to kill and then instantly melt away without trace.

OK? Yeah, er...

I see where you're coming from, Ridley. I certainly missed that one.

Elementary, my dear Holmes.

And, based on some other research, I've got a pretty good idea now

about the identity of the perpetrator,

which, with everyone's indulgence, I was planning on...

Holmes...

Holmes!

You know what, Hazel, I really will need to be getting along in a minute,

-because...

-Wait!

What's that?

A presence!

You feel it, Polly?

Like a kind of faint vibration, almost. In the air.

MACHINERY WHIRS

MACHINE BLEEPS MELODICALLY

Oh, God, are you serious?

Actually I was thinking I might drop by there again,

so if you were going to be around then maybe...

Yeah, OK.

Thanks, Zelda, bye.

Oh, hi. You were a while.

Things all seem to be hotting up,

apparently, on the Yellow Room front, so...

Yes, well, we've cleared up one mystery there at any rate.

An urn full of ashes she spills all over her mother's carpet,

went away for a couple of hours

and when she gets back they've just disappeared.

Without any explanation. And do you know what it was?

Robot vacuum cleaner?

Pardon? A robot vacuum cleaner!

Do you not think that's the most absurd unlikely scenario

you could possibly imagine?

So...was it?

Yes.

Programmed for half past three, as it turns out, by the old dear

-every afternoon.

-Makes sense.

OK!

OK, well, maybe you can make sense of this.

On a tombstone in the churchyard directly behind my mother's grave.

I mean, it can't just be a coincidence.

Except that he died at least three years before those love letters

-were written.

-Septimus Noone.

No, I'd say that far from being a coincidence,

it fits in with everything else here absolutely perfectly.

Only, one thing at a time, I'm afraid.

I'm going to need you to run me back to the theatre, if you would.

Our young friend Ridley's asked them all to assemble on the stage

at six cos he wants to announce his big solution,

which, as you can imagine, is completely preposterous,

but arguably no more preposterous than the real solution,

which, unfortunately, there's only one way to confirm now.

By going back into that dressing room. So...

..whenever you're ready.

Jonathan?

(OK, you know what to do. I just need three minutes.)

(I can't! I can't do this sort of thing!

(How am I supposed to just suddenly pretend to scream in agony?)

(I don't know.

(Remember when you got halfway through Piers Morgan's memoirs?

(Just call on some of that.)

Aaaaah!

Oooh!

-Oh!

-Oh, my God, are you OK, madam?

Yeah, I just fell down the stairs. Ooh! Aahh!

Let me take your weight. It's OK. OK.

-Steady. Up on the step. Let's have a look.

-OK.

I can't believe we're all taking this seriously!

And who is this Ridley person anyway?

Well, he seems to be making more progress than the police over here,

but we have to wait and see.

From what they're saying at the hospital,

this could soon be a murder inquiry.

What are you doing here?

Rachel, come on!

Come on.

This is scary.

Did you hear what she said?

A murder inquiry.

I don't think it's broken. Let's just...

-Let me just feel.

-Ooh!

My husband's here, thanks ever so much.

-Yeah, that's great.

-Oh, my pleasure. Just take it easy.

-Thank you.

-Yeah, bye.

And, now, we're looking for...?

Make-up artist named Darryl Kimble, I think, has to be our man.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Hi, sorry, I wonder if you have a minute. My name's Jonathan Creek.

Oh, right, yes. The amateur sleuth who's come to enlighten us all

about the other night!

Goodbye!

Erm...

Yes...

It's Darryl, isn't it?

Fairly obviously there's someone here that you and Juno

were both really desperate to protect.

I just wondered how sure you are still you made the right call.

Everyone, can I have your attention, please?

Let me introduce you, Mr Ridley,

who is here very kindly to help us resolve Juno's attack.

Thank you very much.

OK. I know this is a little irregular.

But Zelda's very kindly said I might present a few thoughts to you

tonight, about how I think that attack really took place...

and, more importantly, who was responsible.

Someone, I would venture to suggest, who is here with us today

in this very building.

In the original story of the Yellow Room,

the whole solution revolves around an injury sustained

before the victim entered the bedchamber.

No way that could have happened here

because Juno Pirelli had been clearly seen by her director

minutes earlier, completely unscathed.

Or was there something already troubling her that night?

Enough to slightly put her off her game in one or two arias,

something potentially life-threatening that had been

very skilfully covered up.

The name on that picture, Sawjoy.

OK, slightly unusual, but not as unusual as the position

in the top left-hand corner instead of the bottom right.

Made me wonder how easy it would've been for someone in a hurry to have

taken it down at some point,

and then put it back again the wrong way up.

I imagine the artist, Beverley Holmes,

might have been a little put out, but...

After that, there was no way for you to get back in there without

being seen, so whatever it was had to still be there.

She'd convinced herself...

she'd convinced me that was just superficial.

We'd get it patched up, it would heal.

Maybe...

Well.

Guess now we'll never know, will we, whether something else happened that set it all off.

Yes, she was stupid, yes, she was mad.

But she was mad for the right reasons.

And thank God for people like that sometimes, you know?

God bloody bless her, is all I've got to say.

I'm sorry. Any more than that, you're not going to get from me.

..that would find its target and then simply melt away,

completely undetected.

More to the point,

who would have a grievance strong enough to construct such a plan?

Someone, we may suppose,

on the verge of hysteria. Emotionally unbalanced,

who was prepared to go to any lengths to wreak their revenge.

A crime of passion, love spurned, recriminations,

irrational and real, nausea, jealousy and hate.

Who else could it point to, but the tuba player, who she'd already...

PEOPLE SCREAM

Rachel!

Yeah, I'm sorry you had to see that.

Sorry I had to see that?!

I sometimes wonder, Jonathan, exactly what I married!

Free admission for life to the Twilight Zone?

If it's not phantom knife-wielding stalkers or ghostly human remains

suddenly vanishing in the... Now what are you looking for?

Ah! I did see it here, I thought I had.

That web link she wrote down for you.

If I'm not mistaken, it tells us everything we need to know

-and all that other.

-Oh, God. What?

A little slower, please, would be nice.

The letters of Septimus Noone.

The name, you know I said

fitted in perfectly well with everything else here?

Everything from a book collection that includes

the works of Dylan Thomas and Samuel Butler,

to that imaginary friend of yours you had when you were a child.

Easiest thing, I think, would be to make one brief detour on the way back.

No. My gosh.

I'm impressed.

Considering the time it took

and all the trouble I went to to disguise the writing.

Of course, I was rather pleased with myself at the time.

The writing, oddly, I never questioned.

It was the paper.

Most people, if a letter's too wide for the envelope,

fold it a couple of times down the long way and then across.

Your way's more distinctive.

I'd say it's verging on unique.

I'm just writing you a link now to a website that just gave me

so much comfort.

Why, Hazel? For what possible reason?

You don't think we argued? My head against her brick wall.

And how could I refuse her anything at that stage?

As soon as she knew her time was running out...

Believe it or believe it not, the whole idea

was to try and lessen the grief.

He'd find the letters, and...

She just had this horror, you see,

of him moping about over her memory, for the rest of his days.

If she could somehow discredit herself in his eyes,

at the very end, she just thought...

..well.

Thank God it never came to anything.

So, Erewhon by Samuel Butler,

a place he famously invented, as "nowhere" spelt backwards.

And Llareggub backwards, the village in Under Milk Wood.

"Bugger all."

I know, but how you could just zero in on those two titles,

out of all this lot.

Yeah, the rule of three that made it just about plausible.

Zero. Imaginary friend, whose name, in reverse, meant "nothing."

She loved words. And playing with words, but...

trust you to make that connection.

A name she must have seen God knows how often in that churchyard.

If she's wondering what to call this non-existent lover...

Septimus Noone...

Was actually Septimus No-One.

So, he'll be back at uni then, now, Ridley?

I trust he didn't find the whole experience a waste of time.

Oh, no way. No, no.

Admits he's still got a lot to learn, but...

-No, he'll be back.

-Oh, good.

And you've made the right decision, I'm sure, about this place.

Why would you want to live anywhere else?

Yes, well, I wasn't too sure at first.

There's been one or two very creepy moments round here, I have to say.

Oh, finding those old love letters of your mother's.

And what was even weirder, the very next moment

-that halo suddenly vanishing from her photo.

-That was creepy.

Like, a coffee ring on the page that was there one minute,

and then miraculously gone.

But you know what, some of that lateral thinking must be rubbing off,

because it was when I thought about that painting being the wrong way up,

I suddenly remembered that's a, a partner's desk in there,

which means the back of it's exactly the same as the front.

And what if the top section had somehow been turned around

to face the other way?

Which, guess what, when we checked, is exactly what we found.

At some point in the past, evidently,

the desk had been moved around the room, and that page from the paper,

he put in there to save had just ended up against the wall.

The one with the ring on it, obviously another copy altogether,

we just happened to find in that pile of books.

Except, who would have gone in there to move the top of a desk around?

We couldn't imagine.

I mean, there's been no-one else in the house.

Apart from people like yourself, at the funeral the other day.

Ridley? I can't find Ripley. We'll have to go. I'm so sorry.

We'll have to go.

Ripley?

Ripley?

SHE GIGGLES

Stay there.

-What shall we do?!

-We switch the desk.

-What?!

We take everything off, turn it round, and then it's done.

-We put everything back.

-Fine.

-This side's exactly the same as this side.

-Right.

-Three, two, one!

-Oh!

-Oh!

Oh, God.

Polly...

Jonathan...

What can I say?

WATER RUNNING

Listen, I don't know when you're thinking of starting a family,

but, you know what they say about space.

No-one can hear you scream?

Make the most of it?