The Curse of the Bronze Lamp Jonathan Creek

PHONE RINGS

Hi! Hi! How's it going? You having a good one? Not working too hard?

Listen, I thought we could just celebrate

with a quiet night in tonight. What do you think?

Bottle of wine, just the two of us...

Keep it all really low key.

I know, I'm so boring.

Guys. Can you get out, please, and bring your papers? Thank you.

Can you show him the papers?

HE GROANS

-Nice day for it. Who ordered some music?

-How do you do?

Go on, then, your husband, remind me what he does?

Secretary of State for something, in the government.

We can but hope - one day.

At the moment, just a junior minister at the Home Office.

That's what we need, sorting out all the villains.

SHE SCREAMS

And your face, it was Karl here recognised. Didn't you say?

One of those computer magazines the other week -

-you were on the front cover.

-Oh, that. Yes. That was just...

I developed this new fractal compression codec

to combat generation loss through chroma subsampling.

A lot of fuss about nothing.

Yeah...

Lindsey Isherwood, top solutions analyst.

Voted number one in the country by experts.

What did they call you?

Some kind of "problem-solving genius."

I don't think we need to go there.

But what did Newton say? "Standing on the shoulders of giants?"

Real, inspirational genius for me

is when we take those very first steps into the light,

like the day when man comes up with that very first primitive alphabet.

Or a system of smoke signals, or semaphore, you know,

he's essentially finding new ways to repackage information.

To reinterpret and convert it

into simpler forms of readily-transmittable data

that, conceptually, are the basis of all modern communication.

Oh, God. I seem to have wandered into a Melvyn Bragg interview. Help!

I've got two hours before my husband's back,

first guests'll be here at seven. I'm going to have to leave you to it,

while I go and make myself presentable.

You need anything, just give me a shout.

CAR HORN BEEPS

What's happening? We all ready now?

-Ready to rock and roll.

-Ah-ha. OK, great...

SHE SCREAMS

CHAINS RATTLE

DOOR OPENS

How would that be as a birthday present?

To have you back all in one piece, huh?

We'll see how much your husband thinks you're worth.

OK, we leave you now.

You have your dinner.

Mrs Number One Solutions Analyst.

Come up with a solution to this one, we'll be really impressed.

No, it's a tonic, Polly, to have you back among us

after all these years.

And he could be a lot worse, couldn't he? What's his name, Leonard?

Jonathan?

Still very early days of course, for the pair of you.

And you've still got your looks.

You won't be worrying yet about affairs and infidelities

and everything turning stale.

The rancid stench of adultery will be the last thing on your mind,

as it was for me at your age.

But of course, I've buried three husbands since then.

-Today, we'd call them mercy killings.

-Don't listen to her.

She hasn't been sexually aroused since Eden resigned.

Now, what do you think? Should I pour his, or will he be a while yet?

Oh, not sure. I think after that last serving of rum

and marmalade brulee...

on top of the venison faggots, he just needed some fresh air.

-Oh...

-So what do we think, Laurel?

Any chance of finishing this off before the clocks go back, or...?

Don't rush me, Horace! You always were an impatient child.

I don't know why we come and stay with you - you're always the same.

Well, this will just have to do.

"Lousewort."

13 doubled is 26, plus 50 bonus - 76.

Yes, I'm enjoying playing this special Klingon edition.

"Quandplex, jigaboo, cabezons, eclogite..."

And who, or what, is a lousewort when it's at home?

It's a small pinkish plant. Don't you know anything?

Semi-parasitic, I think, and related to the snapdragons.

But then, you never paid enough attention, did you,

to botany, at school?

Ah. You look a bit brighter now. Did you, erm...?

I did, thank you.

Down by the river or...?

Yep, went up onto that little bridge

and leant over the rail - perfect spot.

For watching your amazing bird life, Mr Greeley.

All your egrets and mallards - wonderful.

Widgeon and teal...

I think I saw a Grey Heron, didn't I, at one point?

Skulking amongst the reeds.

You'll have worked up an appetite for a Stilton barley cake.

Actually, Heidi, it's been a lovely evening

and lovely food, but time we were moving, do you reckon?

Early start in the morning, and you-know-who's coming at seven.

Oh, yes. Our new cleaner, Denise.

I tell you, talk about marriage problems.

And I wouldn't mind, but it's all she ever goes on about.

Every last intimate detail, as if I'm some sort of agony aunt. But...

-Thanks for a smashing evening, all of you.

-Yes, and...

How nice to know you found our wildlife so fascinating.

And I wonder if you also managed to spot a great-crested grebe

out there - I'm fairly sure I heard one a few minutes ago.

Very distinctive call they have,

rather like a sort of loud retching sound.

Very likely, Mr Greeley...

now you come to mention it.

SHE SNIFFS

Well, that was a rare treat.

It's not many meals where you can actually feel your arteries

furring up with each mouthful.

Bring back Jack Warner and Elsie and Doris Waters.

PHONE RINGS

Are you going to do something about that phone of yours?

Accidentally re-dialling all the while.

-That's the third time this week now.

-Oh, sorry, sorry.

It's got a mind of its own.

It's got a very sensitive keypad. I will do something about it.

And don't you think you could just learn to be a bit more

sociable now and again?

You just have to make the effort sometimes, you know,

reach out to people. And not be so quick to judge.

SHE SIGHS

Oh...why didn't I use that loo just now?

It's all that coffee. Two minutes.

CHATTER INSIDE

Look, this really isn't funny, Heidi!

We'll never get away with this in a month of Sundays.

I can't go through with it, I'm sorry.

You will go through with it!

We have to! There's no backing out now, for either of us.

Oh, come on!

You've got 24 hours, so just pull yourself together.

That was quick.

No, I didn't...

Oh, I'll...tell you later.

DOORBELL RINGS

Denise, how are we this morning?

Oh! You know, Polly. Me and Dean.

I don't like to talk about it.

Certain things between a husband and wife,

you really just can't talk about.

No, no, I completely under...

He never touches me any more.

I mean, not in those places.

You know the places I'm talking about.

The front garden, public bridleways...

And as for what happens in bed.

Don't let's even, you know, cos I couldn't, but...

-Oh, God, no, of course!

-I'd get more action in Lenin's Tomb.

Oh...

OK, so he does night shifts at the store now,

but you'd think we could occasionally meet in the middle?

-So to speak.

-Oh, but now! This'll interest you.

Guess what I picked up from this old bloke

-in the back of a van yesterday.

-Don't!

Peddling all sorts of weird stuff. And bric-a-brac.

I just thought, it's got to be, hasn't it?

Aladdin's Lamp. Maybe my luck'll change.

And on the bottom it's got this...

weird little inscription. See here? "Cave Quid Optes".

-I thought maybe you could make sense of...

-Latin.

Cave quid optes.

Idiomatically, I suppose, "Be careful what you wish for."

What does any woman wish for? Men and money.

Excitement and wealth.

Oh, just a nice guy for a start.

-To come into my life, and give me a good...

-We get the picture.

Well, you know, give me a good time would be nice.

And here's where it gets spooky.

Do you know what turned up last night in my spam?

Completely out of the blue, a link to one of these,

what do you call them? Male escort agencies.

So how amazing is that?

So... But you're not seriously considering...?

Oh, I've done it, Polly.

It's booked.

Online, whole thing, sorted.

You know, cos I'm thinking, "Come on, Denise!

"This is your life! Get in!" Right?

So...anyway, yeah.

Tomorrow night, fingers crossed for me. I'll keep you posted.

-I'm sure we'll both look forward to that(!)

-Shh.

Oh, God, what is this?

-What the hell is this?

-I don't know. What is it?

It looks like... You know those cameras people set up that...

work off a sensor or whatever to take pictures of wildlife

by remote control during the night?

Oh, I don't believe someone's done this.

Last night, coming back from Greeley's,

when we had to stop off by that bit of woodland

-cos I couldn't last any longer...?

-Are you joking?

What, you mean...?

An automatic picture of you going...

How bad, exactly, are we talking here?

Oh.

Wow.

They've really raised their game with these fast lenses now.

-Check out that resolution.

-Never mind the bloody resolution!

Doesn't even say who's sent it!

There's no note inside, no message.

I don't recognise the writing.

Someone's put this in our post box this morning!

-Who do we know might have one of these cameras?

-Round here?

It could be anyone. They're all into that bloody malarkey.

It could be anyone in the village.

They're probably using it as a screensaver even as we speak.

Oh, come on, it's probably just a bit of fun.

I wouldn't start worrying yourself...

-it's gone viral or...

-Gone viral?!

God, you really know the right thing to say, don't you?

I'll get the car out.

Good morning.

Jonathan?

Sorry, I can't believe I don't even know your last name.

Daisy Shand.

That famous evening, six years ago, with Arabella?

Daisy Shand! You're joking! How are you?

-Cos didn't you rock that night?

-Yeah!

I mean, just amazing!

To say you pulled it out of the bag. Well...

Would be one way of putting it! My God!

BOTH LAUGH

Cos you're a legend now in our house, I tell you

SHE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY

Yes, and...hi. You might remember me. We got, what was it? Married.

-Yes, that's right.

-OK, sorry!

This is Polly, my wife. Daisy Shand.

And you two know each other, obviously, from...

-Well actually, not really at all, do we?

-No.

Only in the most casual sense.

He delivered my first baby.

OK! That kind of casual sense.

Well, you were going out with my best friend...

-Mad Arabella, the midwife.

-..came round for a meal that night,

and that's when it all went pear-shaped.

Well, I was pretty pear-shaped already.

-BOTH LAUGH

-Seriously bad timing,

she'd still got her arm in a sling from that ski-ing accident.

-Yeah.

-You remember, she had to talk you through the whole thing.

I had my eyes shut.

-Nightmare!

-We got there in the end.

So, how is he now? Emotionally scarred for life or...?

He's great. He's a little star, definitely.

-And got a little sister now as well.

-Wow.

Theodore's departed from the scene, but...

-No, we're all of us really good.

-Oh.

Well, listen, you should come round, for a bite to eat.

Why don't you give me a call and we can have a proper catch-up?

That'd be so nice! Yeah, thank you. Definitely!

-Nice to see you.

-Nice to see you, too. Nice to meet you.

-Lovely to meet you.

-Bye.

-Bye. Bye.

What?

Oh, come on, you were the one who said I had to be more sociable

and start reaching out to people.

What? What?

You couldn't make it up, could you? A weather girl!

Yes, I think she'd only just started with the Met Office at the time.

Isn't it amazing?

You know, I honestly didn't recognise her face at all.

Which only begs the question - which bit would you have recognised?

Funny, isn't it, how these little nuggets from the past can

still emerge after all this time?

Still, I suppose it's what keeps a marriage interesting.

Now, OK with you if we dispense with the stirrups tonight

and just go for a dining chair?

DOOR BELL RINGS

Oh.

You're a...bit earlier than I was expecting.

And you'll be Denise. I'm Kevin.

Kevin! Yes. Right.

Oh, come in.

I will be fine. Deep breaths.

Just give me a second.

No worries, Denise. You just relax.

-I was just about to get in the bath, but...

-Sounds like fun.

Oh, no, definitely.

It's like, all the data's there. What's to be sceptical about?

I mean, cos we're tracking these things globally every day

using general circulation models.

And all our projections are for further temperature rise

in the atmospheric mean.

You can talk glaciers, you can talk hurricanes,

you can talk precipitation, I just don't get where these people

are coming from half the time.

But you know what's funny?

The other day, right, I'm reading this report

and this headline about a "top denier briefs conference."

In a journal of climatology? Sounded highly unlikely.

Looked at it again, of course,

"Top denier briefs conference."

If you say it the right way, it does make more sense,

-but I thought that was so funny.

-PHONE RINGS

You know when you're really struggling

to somehow see the relevance of nylon hosiery?

-That's funny.

-I thought so. It's like it suddenly just clicked,

denier, den-ier, you know?

Hello? Sorry?

Who's that? Denise?

Hang on, slow down, slow down. You're not making any sense.

What do you mean? What kind of tragedy?

-SOBBING:

-He's dead, Polly!

The man I said was coming round tonight.

It's, like, he just starting gasping and rolling his eyes.

Obviously I thought he was enjoying himself.

And then, all of a sudden, he just...

went a funny colour and stopped breathing!

SHE SOBS

I think I'm going...to faint!

Oh, f...! No, don't faint! Don't faint! I'll be right over!

BOTH LAUGH

-What's happening now?

-Don't ask.

Another crisis?

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, God, Polly, what have I done?

So, where is he? Still in there?

Yes, and he's turned turtle now.

Oh, what am I going to do?

Turned turtle?!

I was trying to see if there was some way I could get hold of him.

-I don't know!

-So have you rung for the police or an ambulance?

I can't ring the police! And say what?

I've got a dead male prostitute in the bath?

They'll need two ambulances, one to take me away after Dean finds out!

He is not going to see the funny side of this. Oh...

I think my head's going to explode.

Yes, Denise, do you think you might want to...put something on?

Yes. Good.

Good idea. Yes.

Something soothing, calm me down,

while I try and get my thoughts straight here.

Clothes, Denise!

Clothes? Very good!

Check his pockets!

Perhaps they could tell us something.

Ah, here we go. Envelope.

Looks like a gas bill.

Mr K Parry, 13 Bishops Row, Lower Drayfield.

OK, here's what we'll do.

Think I saw this somewhere,

might have been a Cracker or a Midsomer Murders.

We drive him home in his car, and fill up the bath,

then we just leave him for someone else to find.

Maybe if we could put him in a sack.

Put him in a sack?! Are you insane?!

We can't walk out of here with a dead body! What if someone sees us?!

No. That is completely out of the quest...?

What's this? Are we going to examine his prostate now?

Dabs, Polly! We don't want to leave a soco team any presents?

Oh, you've got all the terminology - soco, dabs.

You watch enough of cop shows, it rubs off.

Oh, God.

Maybe Jonathan was right.

I should have been more careful.

Dear God.

Just need to try and slide him, that's it.

Maybe we can put him on casters.

BOTH GROAN

SHE MUTTERS TO HERSELF

Carefully. Slowly.

PHONE RINGS

-ANSWER MACHINE:

-'Hi, this is Denise and Dean.

-'Please leave a message after the beep.'

-BEEP

'Oh, God. Remind me never to invite

'a strange man into my bath ever again.

'It's not even as if we were going at it that hard.'

SHE BREATHES DEEPLY

OK. I think I can cope now.

I think we're going to be all right.

I've got a feeling... What?

No, just... I don't know what it was.

It was like a pink butterfly or something just went past.

At this time of night?

Oh, God, Polly.

Listen, you're a life saver.

Thank you so, so much for tonight.

But you've got to promise me, OK?

You will not breathe a word of this to anyone.

What are you now, Burke and Hare?

-You realise that's completely illegal.

-Is it?

Well, it's bound to be. Everything's illegal now.

There'll be some European Statute governing the re-immersion

of corpses in water without their written consent - I don't know.

What if you took him back to the wrong house?

-Someone's in for a nice surprise in the morning.

-Oh, don't say that!

No, no, the key worked in the lock. Stop trying to scare me.

Anyway, you're one to talk about riding to the rescue

with damsels in distress.

Any more of your exciting escapades I need to know about?

Performing a Caesarian on Wincey Willis

with a Swiss Army pen-knife?

So...what time did she leave?

She did leave?

Madness. Complete madness.

SHE SIGHS

And everything was still locked?

Windows obviously not an option.

It's not the sort of thing your husband would creep in

and leave as a present?

And he'll be back here any minute.

Oh...God. Oh, God, Oh, God.

Sodding lamp!

"Men and money," did I say?

Cos this is really starting to do my brain in now, big time.

Can you begin to guess how much it's worth?

And this Kevin, who came round...

Never so much as set foot in here the whole time, I can swear to that.

I just changed the bed because... Oh, don't ask.

Everything in the house just felt so unclean by that time,

so I put on a complete set of fresh sheets, fresh pillow cases.

I am telling you,

that was absolutely not there when I went to sleep.

Where did it come from?

It's got like a number four on the back.

Why does that seem vaguely familiar?

The time's completely wrong, of course, with the winder pulled out.

Maybe deliberately stopped at that point for some reason.

Five past one.

What time did you get back last night?

-11-ish. 11:15.

-Oh...

So...who's the photographer? You or...?

What? Oh, don't.

If he spent less time playing with all his toys

and bit more with me, it might've been a different story.

I mean, what is going on here?

A piece of priceless jewellery can't just magically

appear from nowhere, out of thin air!

-Can it?

-Mmm.

It's a bit of a shocker, I'll give you that.

Why have I got the lurking suspicion we're not

looking at a gift here, but some kind of message?

From someone...somewhere.

A message from who?

And trying to tell us what?

-FOOTSTEPS ON THE STAIRS

-Oh!

Hello, Dean. Don't think you've met Polly...and Jonathan?

We were... We were just leaving.

And there was nothing else, last night, when you were out?

No-one about, when you were outside his house?

No-one who might have been following you, or...?

You mean like a genie of the lamp, floated through the key-hole?

There was a butterfly at one point, but...

Sorry.

Flew past me outside - or it might have been a moth.

Bit gaily coloured for a moth - it was more of a pink colour.

-SHE TUTS

-Of course!

That's what it was. And this is where I saw it.

That Government minister, Rowan Isherwood,

whose wife's just been kidnapped.

Look at this.

Her personal monogram, LI...

Lindsey Isherwood.

Hang on. Pause it there.

Oh.

How does that work?

They took the watch off her?

And then miraculously planted it under the pillow of a woman,

goodness knows how far away,

who's got nothing to do with anything? What would be the point?

Fairly obviously, no point whatsoever.

Far more point if it had come from the victim.

What?

How desperate would you be, in her shoes,

to send out some kind of cry for help to anyone who'd listen?

Right, when they've got her locked up,

chained up and handcuffed in a completely airtight dungeon?

I mean, from the look of this, she can barely move from the spot.

I know. On the face of it, an utterly fantastical notion.

But what do we know about Lindsey Isherwood?

About her famously inventive mind, her proven ability to dig her

way out of any problem that's thrown at her?

Clearly she's unable to speak or even write to anyone in there.

But what if she'd managed, by some amazing, lateral process

we can't even begin to imagine, to send some kind of coded SOS

to the outside world?

1-0-5.

It's not a time. It's a date.

1-0-5. The first of...

Oh, God.

-May Day.

-PHONE RINGS

Yeah, hello.

Hi, Denise.

-What now?

-This is just getting so bizarre!

I've just had a message from that escort company,

saying that owing to incorrect information

my credit card payment was declined.

"And we are therefore unable to process your booking."

They never took my money.

-The transaction never went through.

-But that means...

No-one from that place ever came round here last night.

Well then who was that guy who died in your bath?

I have absolutely no sodding idea.

Erm...

Well, this may or may not be connected, but...

I think we've found out who that watch belongs to.

I gave her this. Her 35th birthday.

This is absolutely the watch she was wearing.

Where did you get this from?

-Who are these people?

-All right, Mr Isherwood,

I think we have to take this step by step for now.

Vitally important in cases like this, we manage to sort out

the cranks and time-wasters from those with a genuine lead.

And, incredible as it sounds, I have to tell you that we

found an almost perfect fingerprint from your wife on the glass here.

In fact, so perfect, it would suggest...

She placed it there deliberately... to prove it's genuine.

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-What's the inference here?

We know they've got her. They put out that loathsome video.

SHE WHISPERS

What's this?

Found just under three hours ago among some bushes on Limbury Common

by a lady walking her dog.

Discarded tights in the undergrowth wouldn't necessarily raise

an eyebrow, but...in view of the up-market brand,

and the rather curious fact

that a knot's been tied in the elastic at the top,

the whole area's been sealed off

while we carry out a thorough search.

We've no idea, of course,

the extent of the damage before the dog got to them.

Either way, I don't think we should jump to any conclusions as yet.

Let's just wait and see for the moment what exactly...

-PHONE RINGS

-Karen Addams.

Actually, he's with me now, sir.

Oh, really?

Yes.

No, no, I will. Thank you.

The kidnappers, apparently, have released another video.

They're saying this was shot just 20 minutes ago.

-It seems to be more of the same.

-CHAINS RATTLE

Except now with bare legs.

And the watch is gone!

What the hell does it mean, all of this??

MUFFLED SCREAMS

Yeah. Yeah. No, that's rough.

No, that...

That is seriously bad news.

No, no, appreciate it, mate. Thanks for ringing.

Yeah, see you round.

-"Bad news"?

-Yeah, not good. Not good.

Mate of mine from the darts club, I'd known him six years.

-Oh, dear. Sorry.

-Yeah, 32. They reckon he had a heart condition.

He never looked after himself, did he?

-I mean, he smoked 50 a day.

-Oh...

-But still no age, is it?

One minute he's lying there, having a nice hot bath.

Yeah, the neighbour went in this morning, apparently.

And you know what the kicker is?

It was only a couple of nights ago he said he'd try and pop

round here, when he'd got a minute, have a look at your stiff clutch.

Did you...mention that to me at all?

Did I mention it? That was his trade, wasn't it?

Kev Parry, car mechanic. Yeah, real choker.

Anyway, you were a long time.

-What was it? Three-setter?

-What do you mean?

Oh! Yes, yes. Marathon.

Yes, that Penny's got a... demon backhand there now.

Erm... Think I might just get in the shower...

and then... perhaps have a lie down.

SHE SIGHS

Morning, Polly. Having a wee break.

Having a coffee break? Erm, yes.

-How are you, Mr Greeley?

-Yes, fine.

First Sunday in the month, the Photographic Club Bird Watch.

If you go in the woods ever, up yonder, especially at night,

there's some fascinating sights.

If I "go" in the woods at night? Erm, not very often, no.

Actually, while I've got you,

something I forgot to mention the other night.

I had a letter from a lady, through the newsletter,

sounds very interested in your husband.

Miss Poppy Mason, lives in Lower Thatcham,

apparently she's an underwear model.

She says she totally shares his fascination with unexplained

phenomena and would love to meet up with him some time.

-What do you think? Shall I put her in touch?

-An underwear model.

I don't think he's quite got over the weather girl yet,

actually, so... But still, I mean, if she's that keen...

-And how's Heidi and Laurel? Not gone back yet.

-Not till next weekend, no.

And they're both OK?

Absolutely fine, as far as I know.

Well, give them both my love.

For goodness' sake, Laurel, don't be such a weed!

I said we could do it and we did it.

Look at me.

It was ten hours ago and I'm still shaking.

It was the most wretched night of my whole life!

And I tell you this much, Heidi, never again.

Look. We are on the verge of something, don't you understand?

It was never going to be easy, we knew that,

but now is not the time to lose our nerve.

You OK?

Yeah, yeah. Just...head full of stuff.

This kidnap thing. The more you try and tease it out...

Killer, isn't it?

Every way you come at it.

But you're still not letting go... of that theory?

She's somehow pulled off this amazing act of teleportation

from inside an air-tight prison cell.

Even you couldn't manage a trick like that.

Well, you'd be surprised.

It's just a knack mostly.

Throwing that one curve-ball.

A device, an idea...

Sometimes the simplest thing that everyone's forgotten about.

And then once you've tumbled it, the whole miracle's blown.

And that "curve-ball" here is...?

Almost certainly staring us in the face, but I just can't see it.

Well, I have to say, when that camera went in really tight...

it was like her eyes were definitely trying to tell you something.

-What?

-Only one thing that would be of any use...

-..where they're hiding her.

-Would she even know?

OK, so what have we got?

Watches under pillows, a pair of ripped tights found on the common...

That had a knot tied in the waistband.

Suggesting...the elastic's gone?

I don't know, that she's lost weight and they're too loose?

Struggling on this one.

Struggling...

..to see the relevance of nylon hosiery.

That what she said?

Daisy, when she was here, the other night.

And, "If you say it the right way, it does make more sense."

A knot in the waist. Waist knot.

I don't know. Maybe I'm scraping the barrel here.

But bearing in mind this is someone

that has got almost nothing to work with.

Can only pray that someone else, somewhere,

will be able to fathom the clue.

What do you think?

Waist knot...

..might just refer to...

And this is how many?

About 1½ miles from their house.

Corporation recycling centre.

Hardly be holding her there, but...

maybe somewhere close by?

No more than a glimmer I suppose, but something to sleep on, at least.

Oh, you've not forgotten Mr Greeley's coming tomorrow?

To pick up those logs I said we'd let him have.

He said something to me this morning about some woman

who'd been in touch with him.

Seemed very keen to meet you.

An underwear model of all things, think he said.

Oh, yeah, he did mention something.

I said, fine, as we're not due in till lunchtime,

if he wanted to bring her along when he came.

A quick chat over a cup of tea.

Sent me a slightly strange text back, actually.

"No problem. Sure I can arrange it.

"Expect she'll be thrilled to meet you!!!"

-With three exclamation marks.

-Why strange?

The exclamation mark

is the typographical equivalent of a red nose,

invariably used to make a weak joke appear faintly amusing.

But where's the joke here? I can't see it.

Maybe tomorrow all will become clear.

How long you been using this?

-Sorry?

-"Protein-enriched, anti-wrinkle rejuvenating serum.

-"Eliminates bags under eyes."

-Oh, yes. Complete crap of course.

Ten past. I thought they'd be here by now.

Who's that? CAR HORN BEEPS

Oh. Talk of the devil.

-Morning. You well?

-Yes. Morning.

-You on your own?

-Oh, no, no, no.

She's here. She's just still in the van,

if you want to come and say hello.

There we go.

I've watched this one mature, of course,

from the tiniest chick into this rather splendid specimen,

and I count myself very fortunate to have her on the doorstep.

Erm...yeah. Slightly lost me.

I can let her out if you want to inspect more closely.

But we'll have to box clever

in case she suddenly takes flight - they're a devil for that.

Mr Greeley, what are you talking about?

Why in heaven's name would I want to inspect it more closely?

Well, as you specifically asked me to bring her along,

-I naturally assumed...

-Asked you to bring her along?

Well, I don't think I imagined it, did I?

Yes, strange as it may seem, I'm not in the habit of inviting

semi-domesticated water-fowl round for morning coffee.

What kind of nincompoop do you take me for?

"Hi Mr G. Re Poppy, happy to oblige. Will you arrange?

"If at all poss, could you bring heron Monday?"

Well, quite patently I missed the space out!

-It's a tad of a non-sequitur, wouldn't you say?

-Well, I'm sorry.

I was under the impression you took an interest in these things.

If you knew how long it took me this morning

to round this one up in the garden.

It was only by the grace of God and three large tins of sardines

-I eventually managed...

-Mr Greeley, I despair.

I completely and utterly despair.

I'm not laughing.

Really and honestly, I do empathise.

Cos that must have been so disappointing!

SHE LAUGHS

Poor thing.

Was expecting to meet a serious ornithologist and what happens?

Should be grateful, I suppose, he didn't let it out.

There's no telling where it might have ended up.

BIRD CROWS

Don't worry.

I'm sure we can pop Poppy Mason

back in the diary again for you...very soon.

INAUDABLE CHATTER

"The rancid stench of adultery."

-Excuse me?

-Givenchy, can you believe, didn't go for it?

They're a tough nut to crack.

As it happens, she may have just come up with a crucial piece in the

jigsaw that conflates rather neatly with something on that map.

If we look at that corporation recycling centre,

the spot where those tights were found,

and that house you both went to

where our poor friend Kevin lived, what do you notice?

They're all in a straight line. And?

What does that prove?

For the moment, nothing.

But it does at least tell us where to look.

Do you want to wait here? I may be a while.

(Oh!)

(Oh!)

Jonathan?

Jonathan?

SHE SCREAMS

Sorry about that! Dead branch.

What the hell are you doing?!

Hopefully, trying to shed some final light

on this whole rather fantastic affair.

Yes!

Got you, you bugger.

What have you found? What is it?

One thing it's not is a pink butterfly.

But it does, I think, tell us everything we need to know about

Lindsey Isherwood's teleportation trick.

It's the remains of a balloon.

The whole idea, talking about birds, that we might be looking at some

kind of airborne delivery system, was immediately seductive.

And once I'd locked in the fact that she'd been blowing them up

that day for the party...

There was only one train of events that made it all work.

CHAINS RATTLE

Putting the watch inside would identify the sender,

but there had to be something else

that would draw attention to the balloon

and provide some kind of clue to the location.

Raging gales would have helped it on its way.

Till, as we know, the tights and balloon parted company...

halfway across the common.

Final port of call,

the tree outside Kevin's house, where it bursts.

BALLOON POPS

And the rest of what happens just really has to flow from that.

-What?

-What?

No, I don't know what it was.

It was like a pink butterfly or something just went past.

And just to cover all bases, of course,

you confirmed the direction of the wind that night.

With someone who knows about these things.

Of course, it's quite possible I misread that whole thing with

the recycling centre, but...

Does feel a bit of a needle in a haystack job.

If we're assuming it was something she could see from that window...

It could be anywhere, I suppose, within a radius of miles.

Where do you start?

Not quite enough there for basic triangulation.

But then, look at her options.

She's done everything humanly possible.

I guess there was nothing else of any value she could tell us.

That other video, where she seemed to be rubbing her knee.

There was a second clue...

..we never spotted...

cos the way that dog had been had distracted us.

From a hole in the knee.

A ripped knee...

a tear in the knee...

..a torn knee...

Oh.

Unbelievable.

What?

And that second reference point turned out to be the breakthrough.

Two locations well known to the victim - the pub

and the recycle centre - would have been visible only from one

very narrow section of the surrounding countryside.

SIREN BLARES

INDISTINCT SHOUTING

Stay as you are!

-Officers!

-Armed police!

Well, I think all that deserves a little celebration of some kind.

I thought we could try out that new pizza place tonight.

What do you reckon? Live entertainment,

we can stuff ourselves silly.

I might buy us a bottle of champagne.

Yes, go on! Pat on the back, I think you've earned it.

I don't know about that other woman, but you've certainly saved my life.

You know just when you're starting to doubt your own sanity?

Yes. So how are things then now, Denise, with you and Dean?

-Seem to have settled down a bit?

-Well...

I don't want to tempt fate, but, so far, just lately,

things have been, picking up, let's say.

But you've not come clean with him yet, about...?

Oh, God, no!

Fingers crossed, that is one stupid, tragic episode,

he will never need to know about.

-ANSWERING MACHINE:

-You have three new messages.

BEEP

Listen, these last few days...

Sorry if I've been a bit, you know.

Women get these paranoias.

So you're definitely OK about seeing Daisy again?

Cos she was so keen to have us round. And one thing she can do is cook.

Absolutely. No, of course. It'll be great.

Yeah, cos the "rancid stench of adultery".

-Where did that one come from?

-Oh, no.

-That was just something that...

-MICROPHONE FEEDBACK

OK, folks, time to settle down now

for our Friday Night Open Mic entertainment.

Will you give a very warm welcome please to

a charming new double act, Heidi and Laurel?

APPLAUSE

Good evening. We are thrilled to be here!

-As you can see, I'm beside myself.

-LAUGHTER

We are not, as you might think, identical twins.

I'm identical, but she isn't.

I've always been the one who takes all the risks.

You see, wasn't born till three hours after her.

Always afraid to stick her neck out.

Well this is a turn up for the books!

Although...

This really isn't funny, Heidi.

We'll never get away with this in a month of Sundays.

I can't go through with it, I'm sorry.

So where to next? The Bellagio, Vegas?

See? I said she'd got a sense of humour.

You know, she would never have sent it the other day - that photograph.

Photograph?

We'd only set it up the night before.

and it seemed such a coincidence.

Did you not realise

from the little word balloon and everything?

Word balloon.

We just thought, what were the chances?

With it coming up on the scrabble board like that.

No.

No, that was a coincidence.

Anyway...

Enjoy the rest of your evening.

Yes, you too. Great set.

And I love the way you didn't go for the obvious name -

Laurel and Heidi.

-Laurel and...?

-Oh!

There's a thought.

BOTH MUTTER

So there you go.

Worrying over nothing.

Hang on. What's this?

Oh! Yes!

She pressed it into my hand just as we were coming out.

Had quite enough of "magic wishes" for the time being, I think, so...

Why anyone would ever believe that stuff?

HE LAUGHS I know!

PHONE BEEPS

Oh, God.

-What?

-Oh, that's terrible.

Daisy. Said she came home last night from work,

found her whole place had been flooded!

Burst pipe or something from the flat above.

She said she stepped inside, slipped over and broke her leg.

-She's going to be on crutches now, for three months.

-Oh, dear.

Well, that's put the kibosh on our plans.

Anyway...