Episode 1 Last Tango in Halifax


Episode 1

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Transcript


LineFromTo

Did I tell you how grateful I am to you for giving me the strength

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and courage to stop hiding?

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-They're getting "married". The lesbians.

-Ah!

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-Are you sure about this?

-Course.

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You can get on with your work, I'll only be half an hour, 40 minutes.

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-What's happened?

-Kate's been hit by a car.

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I wish you were here.

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Do we know any more about what's happened to the idiots that

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-knocked her down?

-Oh, did I not tell you?

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-They were released...on bail.

-Do you really want to marry me?

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I've wanted to marry you since I was 16.

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Can you, knowing you murdered his brother?

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When you told me about our Eddie,

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that he used to knock you about, I knew.

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That's why I was convinced that you'd done something to him.

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I lived in terror every day for years.

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-If I had killed him, would you have blamed me?

-No.

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But you didn't. Did you?

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"Because murder's murder," he said.

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I've always imagined that one day I could tell him the truth.

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And he would understand. But now I know that he never would.

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Ever.

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RINGTONE: Shout Out To My Ex by Little Mix

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Oh, hello, now what?

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Hello?

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Mum! Guess what.

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The aliens have landed.

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No, not yet. I've... Well, they might have but no-one's told me.

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I've got a new headship.

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I've just had a phone call, just now.

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I didn't even know you'd applied for a headship.

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No, well, I didn't tell anyone.

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Four months and five interviews later,

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I've found out I pipped all the other candidates to the post.

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Oh, well...

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good for you, congratulations. Where is it?

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What sort of school is it? Will you get more money?

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I'll come on to that. The point is, I'm selling the house.

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We're moving. I've just rung the estate agents just now, so...

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Oh, really?

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Yeah.

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'OK, so...'

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So obviously you and Alan will have to decide whether you're going

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to move with me, or move in with Gillian and Robbie, or...

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get a place of your own.

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What's happened?

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Well, where is it?

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You're not going down south?

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No.

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-'Is it abroad?'

-No. No.

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It's in Huddersfield.

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It's a state school.

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What, like...

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where the ordinary people go?

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Oh, hell's bells.

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Spit it out.

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I don't think it's in a very nice area.

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How can you tell?

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Oh, my God! Crow Wood Park!

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That's where Adrian Bottomley got sent when they expelled him.

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It's where that science teacher got stabbed last year.

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He pulled through.

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I needed a challenge.

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Good.

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You can get stale.

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Absolutely.

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And that's no good for anyone.

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What do the boys think?

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Wow.

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Wow.

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Also, I decided it was time to put something back.

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-Back into...

-Yeah.

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..society. I was born lucky.

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All my life, I've been lucky, so...

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So, when will you take over?

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After Christmas. Spring term. Course, I've got the house to sell.

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Find something a bit nearer. I thought maybe round here.

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It'll be a big change.

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Yeah.

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And on your own?

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Yeah.

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You weren't lucky when Kate died.

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I met her. I knew her. We spent time together.

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We had Flora. That was lucky.

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Being married to John for God knows how long. Was that lucky?

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Gosh. Wow. Well, of course, she started out in the state sector

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all those years ago. In the '80s.

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When we were both young enough and stupid enough to imagine this

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country was capable of achieving something resembling social justice.

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Why's he dressed like James Bond?

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Why are you dressed like James Bond?

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Oh, there's a car coming to take us to London.

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I did tell you. Judith's...

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She's been nominated for the Carnegie Medal for children's fiction.

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Are you ready?

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Him and his little friend better not mess up the house while

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we're out. They do know that, don't they?

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Course they do.

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HE MOUTHS

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-Huddersfield?

-I know!

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But that's like the dark side of the moon and shit.

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It's not, no. It's not. No.

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Well, that's well nice.

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-I did it because of you, Olga.

-Me?

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Partly.

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Going on about me being a sharp-elbowed, entitled,

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over-privileged - which I'm not, by the way - rich bitch.

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So that's it?

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If I want to see you, I have to go to...Huddersfield.

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So you didn't register the bit where I explained that I'm taking

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over a really tough school?

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That I'm giving up my...my also demanding, yet at the same time

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no longer challenging, job in the private sector

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in the hope that I can

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make a real difference to someone one day.

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Like you told me I should.

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Yeah, whatever, that's quite cool.

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I'm not going till Christmas. I still have the house to sell

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and look, this was... It was nice but it was never

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meant to be...

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Was it?

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CHILD BABBLES

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Here, Mummy.

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Oh!

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She says that to everybody.

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Ah!

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Wow.

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What do you think?

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It's...

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-It's different.

-Morning!

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-WORKMEN:

-Morning!

-Good morning.

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Well, your granny and Alan like it.

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Course, there's a lot wants doing.

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We said that when we looked round, didn't we?

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Oh. Did it smell damp when we looked round?

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Shall I offer to make these fellas a cup of tea?

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Yeah. Shall we let them do a bit of work first, and then?

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Sure, I just thought, they'll have been driving for an hour or so.

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I'm sure they're used to it.

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I'm sure they're used to driving much further.

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Well, never goes amiss, keeping workers happy.

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Absolutely. They are, however, being paid. Quite handsomely.

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They won't be.

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It'll be the company, creaming the profits.

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Well, maybe when we've found the kettle, maybe then.

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We've got ours!

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It's always the last thing to pack, first thing to unpack.

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First rule of flitting, knowing where the kettle is.

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These, here, are mouse droppings.

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Oh, my God.

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That is so unhygienic.

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I'm afraid it's just me.

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I can handle that.

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Effortlessly, I appear to have pissed everyone off.

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Oh, it went well, then? The move?

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What're we drinking?

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Oh, the usual shite.

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I'm thinking about becoming a lesbian.

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Oh, Christ, that's rough.

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You will notice I, too, am alone.

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Is there anything I can help you ladies with?

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Ladies? Who's he trying to kid? Who you trying to kid?

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Yes, thank you. A smaller table and a wine list.

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"Damp? What do you mean, damp? I've just paid £1,700

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"for a highly detailed, exhaustive survey, there is no damp."

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Then that was it, she was obsessed.

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We're going to have to rethink the bedroom scenario. I'm sorry.

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Come again?

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It's all under the window in that room we've been allocated.

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You can feel it. You can see it.

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-"Allocated"?

-Alan will back me up.

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Yeah, Mum.

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Mum, no-one's been "allocated" anything. You chose it,

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the first time we looked round.

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It is... It does seem...

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I do think you've... We've possibly got

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a problem in there with the...the... the...

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It's damp. We can't sleep in there, with my chest.

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Your chest? What's wrong with your chest?

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I had bronchitis when I was 17.

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You're 78!

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Well...yes. And that.

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So my mother has suddenly decided she's Emily Bronte and she's

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got galloping consumption and she's on her last legs.

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Obviously, there's your dad's heart condition to consider,

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which is a concern, and so we find ourselves confronted with

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a logistical conundrum.

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The only other bedroom's that tiny one at the far end,

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so it'd make more sense if me and Alan had the one you're in.

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Oh, the other big one.

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And you had the smaller one.

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Seeing as there's only one of you, at the moment.

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Nice. Thoughtful.

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I resisted the urge to point out that if they actually took

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the plunge and bought a place of their own, instead of

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persistently hedging their bets between your house and mine,

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it'd make the world a much simpler place.

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Why? Why did you resist? Why didn't you say it?

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And then Greg turned up with Flora,

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two days earlier than planned, because this new woman he's got...

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-Bridget.

-Bridget!

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..she's basically allergic to anyone under the age of 18.

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I'm sorry.

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It's fine.

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It's not fine, I wanted to help out.

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Is she all right?

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She's just...

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What is up with her?

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Bridget? She's just one of those women that's...

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What?

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-You know, bonkers.

-Hm.

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They were supposed to have her the whole weekend till I got settled in,

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so that didn't happen,

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and then Lawrence turned up, with John and the entourage.

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Oh, I love it, Caroline!

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I'd love to live in the middle of bloody nowhere without anyone

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to piss me off every five minutes.

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Course, there's a lot that needs doing.

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But I imagine you're on top of all that.

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Would you like some tea?

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Tea? Are you sure you're not too busy?

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It's not working out, him living with me and Judith.

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He's not happy, he wants to come here and live with you.

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Well, how the hell's that going to work?

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He can't commute to Harrogate every day

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and he can't change schools, not now, he's just about to sit his A2s!

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He's only got two terms left.

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Yes, well, maybe you should've thought about that when you decided

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to change schools.

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Look, y-y-you're going to have...

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I'm starting this new job after Christmas, I've got Flora to

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think about, I've got my mother and Alan to worry about. I can't start

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panicking about making sure he gets to Harrogate and back every day.

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I know it's not ideal, but it's Judith,

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she's not... She could so easily fall back off the wagon.

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He would have to be at the train station in Halifax at six o'clock,

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every morning, day in, day out.

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That means getting up at five. It's a two-and-a-half-hour journey,

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both ways, and he'd have to change at Leeds.

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I have looked into it, I'm not happy that he's not living with me.

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And yet, you were the one who decided to move here.

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All right, I'll talk to her again. But he can stay here now,

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can't he, for the holidays?

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What is John doing with Judith?

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I don't know. Who knows? Who cares? Anyway, sod that.

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Tell me why you're thinking of becoming a lesbian.

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Oh. It's Robbie. It's ever since he's retired.

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I can't stand it.

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I didn't know he'd retired.

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A week last Friday.

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Oh. OK.

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And now he's just there...all the time. All the time.

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And if I go out, he follows me. Round t'farm.

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I went upstairs for a wee the other day and he goes,

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"Where you going?" And, like, suddenly every move I make

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is accountable.

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I made a cake on Tuesday - which you may think isn't very me,

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but it's not unheard of - and he's all,

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"What you done that for?"

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You know, like I'd just constructed a weapon of mass destruction.

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"Because I felt like it! It's a f-f-f...bloody cake!"

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It's like being cornered. In your own...

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head.

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-Wow.

-I know.

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-But he's not here now.

-Oh.

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Just as we were getting ready, getting changed,

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we were in the bedroom.

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Why don't you wear that dress?

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What dress?

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That green one.

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Because I'm wearing this.

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I like that green one.

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You wear it, then.

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And that must've touched a nerve.

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He must have hang-ups about his masculinity or something,

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God knows, because it nose-dived into meltdown at that point.

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Just leave me alone! All of you!

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I'm sick of the lot of you! It's take, take, take!

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"Me, me, me!" Nag, nag, nag, all the time, every day!

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Well, enough! I've had enough!

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You can all f-f-f...

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Do one. And don't follow me to the restaurant!

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You go to another restaurant, one I'm not in.

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What...did you say to her?

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I just... I don't know. I just suggested wearing a dress.

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Her, not me.

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OK.

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Yeah. Big.

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I didn't realise. No, I mean, I did.

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At the wedding. When you...

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When we... But I guess I thought...

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you'd moved on.

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-What did we say at the wedding?

-Well, when you...

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didn't want to go through with it and we decided

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it was easier to go through with it than to pull out...then,

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on the day, because you could always...

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..get divorced. Afterwards.

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We did say that.

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We did say that.

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So has everything...been OK?

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Up until...?

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Yeah. Yeah. I mean, ish. God, I'd forgotten. That would've been bad.

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On the day. To pull out.

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I hadn't forgotten, I'd just...

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Buried it.

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I was worried I'd feel guilty, I was worried I'd get obsessed.

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-With guilt. About Eddie.

-But you haven't?

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-No.

-So, that's good, isn't it?

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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Hm...

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Yeah.

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Good morning.

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Alan. How's it going?

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It's...

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damp. In one of t'bedrooms and we think we've got mice.

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Vermin.

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Yeah. It'll be smashing once she's...

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we've sorted everything out. There's a lovely view.

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She's in a funny mood, Gillian.

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Oh.

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He's driving me up the wall.

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He seems busy enough now.

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I keep having to set him tasks!

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It's like having a six-year-old in the school holidays,

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finding him activities so he's not under your feet.

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He'll settle down. It takes a bit of getting used to.

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Retirement. It's not as easy as people think.

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-Especially if you've been very active.

-Active?

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He's spent the last ten years sitting in a patrol car, eating pies.

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Well, involved, then.

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He needs sympathy, not sarcasm.

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Unbelievable.

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Did you have a nice evening?

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It was just me and Caz. Cazza.

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Yeah, I gathered.

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So Celia's driving her up the wall, is she?

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They're as bad as each other.

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I, erm...

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I've got summat to tell you.

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Proceed.

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It's delicate. Well, sensitive.

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And then there's things I want you to understand

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before you go flying off the handle. So...

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What've you...? What's...? What?

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Me and Celia, we've altered our wills.

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I mean, obviously it's something we should've done a while back,

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after we got wed, but we didn't.

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Which was my fault, I didn't want to think about it

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-and so we've only just got round to it, what with flittin'.

-OK.

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So, obviously...

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before. Before I knew I was ever going to get wed again,

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I'd left it all to you

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and it will still come to you. Eventually. One way or the other.

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But I want you to know what's changed and then,

0:18:430:18:46

we're clear.

0:18:460:18:47

OK.

0:18:470:18:49

What we've decided, way we've arranged it,

0:18:500:18:53

is - whichever one of us goes first, me or Celia - other one'll

0:18:530:18:57

get everything.

0:18:570:18:58

For the duration of their lifetime and then... The point is,

0:18:580:19:04

when the last one goes, whatever's left

0:19:040:19:08

will be divided, equally, between you and Caroline.

0:19:080:19:11

OK.

0:19:160:19:17

So it...will come to you.

0:19:180:19:21

But I just want Celia to be comfortable, that's all.

0:19:220:19:27

If owt happens to me. And she wants same for me.

0:19:270:19:30

So, that's it.

0:19:300:19:32

What about our Gary?

0:19:320:19:35

Oh, I'm not leaving him anything. He'd not expect it, would he?

0:19:350:19:40

Why did you think I'd fly off the handle?

0:19:410:19:43

Hang on a minute.

0:19:460:19:47

Divided equally?

0:19:490:19:51

Yeah.

0:19:510:19:52

But that's... You can't both have brought exactly the same

0:19:520:19:56

amount to the party as each other.

0:19:560:19:58

Yeah. Well, no, we didn't. Not exactly, but not far off.

0:19:580:20:03

So... I'm not starting splitting hairs

0:20:030:20:06

and I'm not starting making a record of everything we spend.

0:20:060:20:10

You'll do very well out of it at finish, so think on.

0:20:120:20:18

OK.

0:20:200:20:22

And, erm...

0:20:220:20:23

..the other thing... just so you know...

0:20:250:20:27

..is we want to be buried together.

0:20:290:20:34

We'd be cremated. But then, our ashes,

0:20:350:20:38

we'd like to be in the same grave.

0:20:380:20:41

You can do that, we've looked into it. And Celia's got a plot.

0:20:410:20:46

Above Elland. It's been in her family for years.

0:20:470:20:50

So, not have your ashes scattered with me mum? Up Blackley?

0:20:510:20:57

Yeah.

0:21:010:21:02

Not.

0:21:040:21:05

Can you drive me into Halifax if you're not doing anything?

0:21:130:21:17

He's gone off to Gillian's in the Lexus, and it's an emergency.

0:21:170:21:21

Why, what's happened?

0:21:210:21:22

Maureen Raynor's fractured her hip.

0:21:220:21:24

-Who?

-Oh...

0:21:240:21:25

she was three years below Alan and me at Elland Grammar.

0:21:250:21:28

-You don't know her.

-Do you?

0:21:280:21:30

No, not really. But the point is,

0:21:300:21:32

she was giving her Madame Arcati with the Halifax Players,

0:21:320:21:36

and obviously she can't do it on crutches. Well, not with

0:21:360:21:39

the same chutzpah, so they've asked me to step in.

0:21:390:21:43

Hang on. Have you ever done any acting?

0:21:430:21:46

I played the Angel Gabriel in the infants. Do you know? It was

0:21:460:21:49

three years before I realised he was supposed to be a fella.

0:21:490:21:51

-Yeah.

-There was an article in the Mail.

0:21:510:21:54

Or The Guardian - one or the other - about keeping your brain active.

0:21:540:21:59

You know, when you're getting on.

0:21:590:22:01

Alan does his crosswords, so I thought I would audition for a play.

0:22:010:22:06

This was last summer when we were stopping up at Gillian's.

0:22:060:22:09

You know, learning lines keeps your neurons...

0:22:090:22:13

-..neurinating.

-Really?

0:22:140:22:17

Anyway, I didn't get the part. Not that one - Lady Bracknell.

0:22:170:22:22

I should've done, dozy buggers.

0:22:220:22:25

Anyway, it looks like they've remembered me,

0:22:250:22:29

because now they're in hot water, I've had the call.

0:22:290:22:33

William's dug me out his copy.

0:22:330:22:35

So why do we need to go to Halifax right now?

0:22:350:22:37

Because they've got a rehearsal in half in an hour at...

0:22:370:22:40

the Pentecostal Church Hall, Skircoat Moor Road, Halifax.

0:22:400:22:44

They need me there.

0:22:440:22:46

The first night's just after Christmas, I've only got

0:22:460:22:48

a week to learn everything.

0:22:480:22:49

-You're kidding!

-No.

0:22:490:22:51

I'll get my car keys.

0:22:510:22:53

Are you going to put a bit of make-up on?

0:22:530:22:55

I'm only dropping you off.

0:22:550:22:56

You could put a brush through your hair as well.

0:22:560:22:58

I thought we were in a rush to get there?

0:22:580:23:00

Yes, but just in case.

0:23:000:23:02

-Of?

-You know...

0:23:020:23:04

you meet someone.

0:23:040:23:05

What, when I'm dropping you off?

0:23:050:23:07

Well, you never know.

0:23:070:23:08

A nice fella.

0:23:080:23:10

I do know, Mum. They're thespians, they like am-dram.

0:23:110:23:14

The chances of me meeting anyone I have anything in common

0:23:140:23:16

-with is remote.

-They're not stupid, you know.

0:23:160:23:19

No, but they do like dressing up and pretending to be other people.

0:23:190:23:22

So, chances are, it probably won't happen.

0:23:220:23:23

I think you spend too much time with Gillian.

0:23:230:23:26

How?

0:23:260:23:27

Because you're starting to talk like her.

0:23:270:23:30

It's bollocks.

0:23:300:23:31

Robbie.

0:23:330:23:34

Robbie!

0:23:360:23:37

-Robbie?

-Jesus!

-Shit! Shit! Robbie!

0:23:390:23:42

Oh, my God! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

0:23:420:23:44

Robbie?

0:23:440:23:45

That is a lot of blood.

0:23:450:23:47

OK, OK.

0:23:470:23:48

Get in the Landy. Let's get in the Landy. OK?

0:23:500:23:53

Up, get up. Come on!

0:23:530:23:55

Dial 999, now!

0:23:550:23:57

Phone. Phone. Erm, phone.

0:23:570:23:59

I've got it, I've got it, I've got it!

0:23:590:24:00

Bloody hell, Gillian!

0:24:000:24:02

I know, I know, I know!

0:24:020:24:04

Come on!

0:24:060:24:07

So the thing is,

0:24:100:24:12

the thing I was coming in to tell you is that... Well, no, the

0:24:120:24:14

first thing I was coming in to say is that I'm sorry about last night.

0:24:140:24:18

About going off in a strop and meeting Caroline on my own.

0:24:180:24:21

I am... I am sorry.

0:24:210:24:22

It's just, you know, I'm struggling with this

0:24:220:24:25

retirement thing as much as you are.

0:24:250:24:27

But, then, the thing is, this morning, just now,

0:24:270:24:29

me dad comes in and he goes, "I don't want you biting my head

0:24:290:24:32

"off, I don't want you getting all arsey like you normally do, but,

0:24:320:24:36

"when I die, we've discussed it, and I'm leaving all my money to Celia."

0:24:360:24:40

Oh!

0:24:400:24:41

I know! They've changed their wills and everything.

0:24:410:24:44

There they are!

0:24:450:24:46

It'll all be her idea, she'll have talked him into it,

0:24:460:24:49

the way she has him twisted round her little finger.

0:24:490:24:51

I don't mind, I wouldn't care, but with his heart,

0:24:510:24:54

chances are, you know, and she knows this, it'll be

0:24:540:24:58

him that goes first. And does she need all that money?

0:24:580:25:01

Any more than he'd need all hers if she went first?

0:25:010:25:04

Which I bet she doesn't, you watch. She'll have it all planned.

0:25:040:25:07

And what bothers me is,

0:25:070:25:09

if he does go first, which, you know,

0:25:090:25:11

how do I know she WILL leave me half of everything when she goes?

0:25:110:25:13

How do I know she won't just leave it all to Caroline?

0:25:130:25:15

How do I know she won't just spend it?

0:25:150:25:17

It could be years and then she could lose all her

0:25:170:25:19

marbles and I've got no guarantees, have I?

0:25:190:25:22

Presumably it's stipulated in the will, if that's the arrangement.

0:25:220:25:25

And anyway, Caroline wouldn't do that to you, would she?

0:25:250:25:29

I don't feel so good.

0:25:320:25:34

SIREN BLARES

0:25:340:25:36

You are, you're a snob. You're an intellectual snob.

0:25:430:25:46

You think you're better than other people.

0:25:460:25:49

-Break a leg.

-Well, you're not.

0:25:490:25:51

Will you need picking up?

0:25:510:25:53

This is typical you, this is.

0:25:530:25:55

Anything I do, anything I'm interested in,

0:25:550:25:57

you pour cold water on it and take the...

0:25:570:26:01

piss. You're as bad as your dad.

0:26:010:26:05

Oh, hello! That old chestnut.

0:26:050:26:07

Well, I'll say one thing for your father. At least he wasn't a...

0:26:090:26:13

(lesbian.)

0:26:130:26:15

Don't let the door hit your arse when you step out.

0:26:150:26:17

You've got that off Gillian.

0:26:170:26:19

You really don't have to lower your voice in front of Flora - ever -

0:26:190:26:22

to say the word lesbian.

0:26:220:26:24

All right? Have you got your mobile?

0:26:240:26:26

Oh, I'm not going in.

0:26:270:26:29

-Why?

-Because you're spoiling it!

0:26:290:26:31

No, I am not. Don't you lay this on me!

0:26:310:26:33

If you wanted to go in, you'd go in.

0:26:330:26:35

What if I'm not very good?

0:26:380:26:40

You'll be brilliant. Better than any of that lot.

0:26:400:26:44

Do you think?

0:26:460:26:47

Yes. You're clever.

0:26:470:26:49

If I thought you were going to make a fool of yourself, I wouldn't

0:26:510:26:54

have brought you.

0:26:540:26:56

I'd have tied you to a chair at home and made you listen to The Archers.

0:26:560:26:59

Now, go and see what they're like.

0:26:590:27:01

If you're not happy, you don't have to stay.

0:27:010:27:03

Would you want me to come in with you?

0:27:050:27:08

No. Not looking like that.

0:27:080:27:10

Enjoy.

0:27:140:27:15

SHE GIGGLES

0:27:230:27:25

PHONE RINGS

0:27:250:27:27

Hi, Gillian.

0:27:310:27:32

How is he?

0:27:320:27:34

They've had to give him a blood transfusion,

0:27:340:27:36

they've taken him into an operating theatre.

0:27:360:27:38

-So what's...?

-I don't know. I don't know anything!

0:27:380:27:41

They just whisked him off and told me to wait here.

0:27:410:27:43

Are you all right?

0:27:430:27:44

Yeah. Yeah.

0:27:440:27:46

So what happened?

0:27:460:27:47

It wasn't my fault. I mean, it was, I shocked him, I made him jump.

0:27:470:27:52

But I didn't... It wasn't...

0:27:530:27:55

I mean, I know I was complaining about him last night,

0:27:560:27:59

Robbie, but it wasn't like that (business with Eddie.)

0:27:590:28:02

OK.

0:28:020:28:04

Did you...? You didn't think that, did you?

0:28:040:28:06

No. No.

0:28:060:28:09

It was just...

0:28:090:28:11

What?

0:28:110:28:12

I don't know. When it happened, I panicked.

0:28:120:28:16

I coped, I called an ambulance and we seemed to be on top of everything,

0:28:160:28:21

even though he was bleeding a lot, and it was just as we were

0:28:210:28:25

arriving, in the ambulance, I was in the ambulance with him, and...

0:28:250:28:30

this paramedic, he was joking, he was trying to keep it light.

0:28:300:28:35

I think it was his way of trying to say, "It's not as bad as it looks."

0:28:350:28:39

He goes, "Oh, another millimetre

0:28:390:28:41

"and it would've been the carotid artery

0:28:410:28:43

"and then you'd have been in trouble!"

0:28:430:28:44

And that... It shook me,

0:28:440:28:46

because...

0:28:460:28:47

I can understand why that shook you, Gillian.

0:28:470:28:50

No. No. No. It's not what you think.

0:28:500:28:53

What?

0:28:560:28:58

It's stupid. It'll sound stupid.

0:28:580:29:01

It won't.

0:29:010:29:02

About a month ago, two months ago, in the barn, again...

0:29:020:29:08

..he got smacked on the head by a log.

0:29:100:29:13

He was chopping wood and stacking it

0:29:130:29:14

in the hayloft, out of the way.

0:29:140:29:17

I didn't think a lot about it, then.

0:29:170:29:19

I just thought he hadn't stacked it properly and it was loose,

0:29:190:29:22

but he would've done, he would've stacked it properly,

0:29:220:29:25

and he had a real bump on his head.

0:29:250:29:28

Like...somebody whacked him.

0:29:280:29:32

And then there was something else as well.

0:29:320:29:34

He trapped his finger. This is last summer.

0:29:340:29:40

He was hitching up the trailer and it slipped, and it was bad.

0:29:400:29:44

Not this bad, but he could've lost his finger. We were in here, in A&E.

0:29:440:29:48

And now this!

0:29:480:29:49

Some people are accident prone. My granny was, my mum's mum.

0:29:510:29:56

No, that's not...!

0:29:560:29:57

-She was terrible.

-It's not...

0:29:570:29:59

What?

0:30:010:30:02

And it isn't just me. Me dad's said it. Before now.

0:30:020:30:05

There's something... A funny feeling in that barn.

0:30:070:30:11

OK.

0:30:150:30:17

So...what are you saying?

0:30:170:30:20

I'm saying, it's a notion I've had for a while.

0:30:200:30:22

But now it's like three things and it's really f-f...obvious.

0:30:220:30:26

He's still in there. Eddie. And I know that sounds mad.

0:30:270:30:30

Caroline, I know there's no such thing, but what if there is?

0:30:300:30:34

I think you're upset. Is there a machine?

0:30:360:30:38

Do you want some tea?

0:30:380:30:39

It's not mad. I talk to Kate all the time.

0:31:040:31:08

I imagine she's there and part of me thinks...

0:31:090:31:12

who's to say she isn't? First time it happened...

0:31:120:31:16

I didn't consciously conjure her up, I just found myself talking to her.

0:31:160:31:20

It was in the bedroom. On the morning of her funeral.

0:31:200:31:23

I think when someone's died like that...

0:31:260:31:30

Death's always a shock, but when it's sudden and it's someone

0:31:300:31:33

who just shouldn't have gone yet, it's...

0:31:330:31:35

You think this is all in my head?

0:31:370:31:39

No, that's the point.

0:31:390:31:41

I do - as my mother would say - think there is more

0:31:410:31:45

between heaven and earth than any of us ever really know about.

0:31:450:31:49

But...

0:31:510:31:53

But when you talk to Kate...

0:31:530:31:55

..that's good, surely? It's nice.

0:31:560:31:59

Mm.

0:31:590:32:01

This is evil.

0:32:020:32:04

And it's not just me, that's what's weird.

0:32:060:32:08

If it was just me, fine, I'm happy to be considered mental.

0:32:080:32:12

But me dad won't go in that barn after dark.

0:32:130:32:16

Dog won't go in there at all.

0:32:160:32:17

I think Eddie

0:32:190:32:21

knows we've got married, me and Robbie, and he doesn't like it.

0:32:210:32:24

And this time... This time, what that paramedic said...

0:32:260:32:29

..Robbie could've been dead.

0:32:310:32:32

And then there was Dave, he's playing Charles.

0:32:420:32:46

He's 57 and he has a bad back.

0:32:460:32:49

Charles is meant to be an athletic 40.

0:32:490:32:52

He said to me, "Do you think I'd get away with it, Celia?"

0:32:520:32:56

And I'm going, "Of course you will,"

0:32:560:32:58

lying through my teeth like a silly bugger.

0:32:580:33:00

I said to Gerald, "You do know Charles is supposed to be an

0:33:000:33:05

"athletic 40, don't you?"

0:33:050:33:08

He says, "It's am-dram, darling, you can't always get the men."

0:33:080:33:11

Which one's Gerald again?

0:33:110:33:13

ALL: The director.

0:33:130:33:15

Oh, and he's playing Dr Bradman as well. He's very versatile.

0:33:150:33:20

Janice, she's the one playing Elvira, the ghost, she said,

0:33:200:33:26

"You've saved our bacon, Celia."

0:33:260:33:28

They were on the verge of cancelling the whole thing.

0:33:290:33:32

-Did I tell you that?

-Mm.

0:33:320:33:35

Only, they're already sold out on the Friday night

0:33:350:33:38

and on the Saturday night.

0:33:380:33:39

So...

0:33:410:33:43

So...

0:33:430:33:44

Are we going to the hospital this evening, then, or what?

0:33:460:33:49

I don't think there's any point in us all piling in,

0:33:490:33:52

he'll still be groggy from his anaesthetic.

0:33:520:33:54

Yeah, but you don't want him thinking nobody cares.

0:33:540:33:58

You did have a massive bust-up with him last night.

0:33:580:34:01

No, really? I'd forgotten(!)

0:34:010:34:03

Listen, I'd better get back.

0:34:050:34:07

Thanks for coming.

0:34:090:34:10

It's fine. Ring me.

0:34:100:34:11

-If you...

-Yeah.

0:34:110:34:12

We'll leave you to it as well, love.

0:34:120:34:14

There's lots that still wants sorting out at the new place.

0:34:160:34:19

Yes, the damp and the vermin.

0:34:190:34:22

And I've got all these lines to learn!

0:34:220:34:25

You're going to have to help me, Alan.

0:34:250:34:27

You will give our love to Robbie, won't you, love?

0:34:270:34:30

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

0:34:300:34:32

We'll see you up there, love!

0:34:450:34:46

Sure.

0:34:460:34:48

I, erm...

0:34:550:34:57

I told our Gillian this morning about changing us wills.

0:34:570:35:02

How did that go down?

0:35:030:35:05

Fine.

0:35:050:35:06

Fine. I told her about...

0:35:060:35:10

being buried in the same grave as well.

0:35:100:35:12

And?

0:35:130:35:14

She just went very quiet.

0:35:140:35:16

I'm surprised she didn't say owt just now, to be honest.

0:35:160:35:19

I think there'll be repercussions when she's dwelt on it.

0:35:200:35:24

BIRD SQUAWKS AND FLAPS WINGS

0:36:030:36:06

I'm not scared of you, so you can shit off.

0:36:160:36:20

Pillock.

0:36:240:36:25

I'm sorry. I am sorry.

0:36:250:36:27

Then going on at me in t'Land Rover while I were bleeding to death.

0:36:270:36:31

-I was panicking.

-I'm sorry.

-Oh, don't say that.

0:36:310:36:33

I was trying to distract you.

0:36:350:36:36

And last night?

0:36:370:36:39

Yeah, I'm sorry about last night.

0:36:390:36:41

What were all that about?

0:36:410:36:42

Just stuff getting on top of me.

0:36:420:36:45

Well, don't let it.

0:36:450:36:47

Yeah, well, that's easy for you to say because you're a man.

0:36:470:36:49

And men never let stuff get on top of 'em, so it doesn't affect them.

0:36:490:36:54

You mean, men don't get things out of proportion,

0:36:540:36:56

so it doesn't affect them.

0:36:560:36:58

Phrase it as you will.

0:36:580:36:59

Does it hurt?

0:37:030:37:04

I'm on painkillers.

0:37:050:37:06

You're going to be laid up all Christmas, aren't you?

0:37:080:37:10

I'll be as fit as a fiddle in a few days.

0:37:100:37:12

You're going to be lolling in front of the telly, demanding cups of tea.

0:37:120:37:16

Oh, God.

0:37:160:37:18

-What now?

-Christmas Day.

0:37:180:37:20

Ten people plus two babies round for dinner and you're not going to

0:37:200:37:24

be fit to do even basic fetching and carrying.

0:37:240:37:27

Raff and Ellie will help you.

0:37:270:37:29

On what planet?

0:37:290:37:30

Caroline will help you.

0:37:300:37:32

Selectively, when she feels like it.

0:37:320:37:33

Your dad and Celia will help you. Everybody'll muck in! What's up?

0:37:330:37:38

Why you so niggly about everything?

0:37:380:37:40

-Because...

-What?

0:37:400:37:42

Everything.

0:37:420:37:43

What though? We should be celebrating.

0:37:430:37:47

I've retired, we're expanding the farm.

0:37:470:37:52

Life's good. Life's never been better.

0:37:520:37:55

-Well, today's been a bit weird, but...

-Yeah.

0:37:580:38:01

Well, then. We'll have a nice Christmas.

0:38:010:38:04

It wasn't just about him changing his will.

0:38:120:38:14

What I was annoyed about with me dad, this morning.

0:38:140:38:18

He wants to be buried with her, Celia.

0:38:180:38:21

They both want to be cremated and then their remains buried together.

0:38:220:38:28

So that's as in, not scattered up Blackley with me mum.

0:38:300:38:33

Oh.

0:38:340:38:35

Yeah, but...

0:38:390:38:40

..does it really matter? Once you're dead, you're dead, aren't you?

0:38:420:38:47

Who knows?

0:38:490:38:50

You can't learn all those lines in ten days.

0:38:540:38:55

-Who can't?

-I couldn't.

0:38:550:38:57

Course you could.

0:38:570:38:59

I hope you're all going to come and see it.

0:38:590:39:02

Hey, bring Angus.

0:39:020:39:03

How can I bring Angus? Angus is 60 miles away!

0:39:030:39:06

Everybody who matters is 60 miles away.

0:39:060:39:08

He can get on a train.

0:39:080:39:10

You think he wants to get on a train to come and watch

0:39:100:39:13

a load of old people twatting about on stage?

0:39:130:39:15

Oi, oi!

0:39:150:39:16

None of us asked to be here.

0:39:160:39:18

You've inflicted it on us because you're selfish.

0:39:180:39:20

That... Whatever I've done, that is no reason to be rude to your granny.

0:39:200:39:25

I can't believe I'm never going to go back inside our house in

0:39:290:39:32

Harrogate ever again.

0:39:320:39:33

You're homesick. That's all, it's normal.

0:39:330:39:36

It'll pass.

0:39:360:39:37

We grew up there. Our whole life was there.

0:39:380:39:41

And now it's a new big adventure.

0:39:410:39:44

You want to embrace it.

0:39:440:39:46

I never said a proper goodbye.

0:39:470:39:49

To who?

0:39:490:39:50

My bedroom.

0:39:500:39:52

Oh, my God, is he crying? He's crying!

0:39:520:39:54

-No, I'm not!

-No, that is priceless.

0:39:540:39:56

-Tell him to shut up.

-One for Facebook, I think.

0:39:560:39:58

-Shit-for-brains.

-Beano boy.

0:39:580:40:00

-Hey!

-Are you six?!

0:40:000:40:02

Are you?

0:40:030:40:05

KNOCK AT DOOR

0:40:080:40:11

Have you not set up your Zbox?

0:40:140:40:17

Xbox.

0:40:170:40:18

-Eh?

-Xbox.

0:40:180:40:20

That's what I said.

0:40:200:40:22

You want to set up your Xbox, then you'll feel right at home,

0:40:220:40:26

both of you.

0:40:260:40:27

Cavalry's here! This is Olga, my new girlfriend.

0:40:270:40:32

-Where is everybody?

-They're, erm...

0:40:320:40:34

Surprise.

0:40:370:40:39

Don't.

0:40:390:40:40

Sorry, the boys are here and my mum and Alan.

0:40:420:40:45

I wasn't...

0:40:470:40:48

I didn't... Didn't know you were coming.

0:40:480:40:50

Yeah. It's a surprise.

0:40:500:40:52

-I didn't order this.

-It's a house-warming present.

0:40:520:40:55

Right, OK. Er...thank you.

0:40:550:40:58

Yeah. I nicked it from the basement.

0:40:580:41:01

You didn't! I can't accept stolen...

0:41:010:41:02

God, you are so easy to wind up!

0:41:020:41:05

Right. OK. Well, it's been nice seeing you.

0:41:060:41:10

I'm busting for a wazz.

0:41:100:41:11

Is it all right if I use your lavatory? Your lavoratoire.

0:41:130:41:17

Your...Lavoratoire Garnier.

0:41:190:41:22

Yeah, I thought I'd die a widower, but you see, Alan,

0:41:310:41:34

you're not the only one for whom hope springs eternal.

0:41:340:41:38

Ta. Here she is! Come here, love, say hello to everyone.

0:41:380:41:41

-You all right?

-You can be my best man if you want, Alan.

0:41:410:41:44

We've only just met. Outside.

0:41:440:41:46

But it was love at first sight and you can't fight fate.

0:41:460:41:49

Not that we could see each other right well through t'drizzle, but

0:41:490:41:52

one flash of lightning and, yeah, I'm a very happy man.

0:41:520:41:58

I like him, he's mental.

0:41:580:41:59

Olga!

0:41:590:42:01

Oh, God, babies.

0:42:010:42:03

Hello!

0:42:030:42:05

That's Olga, you nitwit, she delivers wine

0:42:050:42:08

from the wholesaler's in Harrogate.

0:42:080:42:10

Have we set a date?

0:42:100:42:11

I'm not doing a right lot tomorrow.

0:42:110:42:13

You've come a long way, love.

0:42:130:42:15

Olga. Isn't that Russian?

0:42:150:42:17

Yeah, my mum were really into Olga Korbut,

0:42:170:42:19

when she were, like, ten. When the 1972 Olympics were on.

0:42:190:42:23

Oh, very good.

0:42:230:42:24

Eh, how you doing? You all right?

0:42:240:42:26

Would you like some wine?

0:42:260:42:29

Rude not to. So, are you William?

0:42:290:42:31

The bathroom's upstairs.

0:42:340:42:35

Sure.

0:42:350:42:37

Don't forget you're driving.

0:42:370:42:39

Oh, yeah, traffic was bad. And the weather is shit...crap...bad.

0:42:390:42:42

Sorry. Probably best leave it till tomorrow. Now that I'm here.

0:42:420:42:45

We've got damp. And vermin.

0:42:470:42:50

It's the country, I did tell you.

0:42:500:42:52

I told her, I said, I warned her.

0:42:520:42:54

I'm sure they have folk who deliver wine round here,

0:42:550:42:58

without you making Olga trail all this way.

0:42:580:43:00

Why don't you tell Harry about this play that you're doing?

0:43:010:43:04

I wouldn't have thought it was up Harry's street.

0:43:040:43:06

Celia's playing Madame Arcati

0:43:060:43:08

in Blithe Spirit, with the Halifax Players.

0:43:080:43:12

Oh! She's the one who sees dead people.

0:43:120:43:14

Well, no, she communicates with t'other side.

0:43:140:43:17

Well, that's topical.

0:43:170:43:20

Is it? How?

0:43:200:43:21

Well, it's why I'm here.

0:43:210:43:23

I was thrilled when Alan told me you'd bought this place,

0:43:230:43:25

Caroline, because you do know that this house, your house,

0:43:250:43:28

is haunted by none other than Matthew Normanton?

0:43:280:43:31

Right-hand man to King David himself.

0:43:310:43:34

-Haunted?

-King David? Which one's he?

0:43:340:43:36

Who's Matthew Normanton?

0:43:360:43:38

King David Hartley.

0:43:380:43:39

The Cragg Vale Coiners!

0:43:390:43:41

-Who?

-It's fascinating, you'll be fascinated. They were all hanged.

0:43:410:43:45

At York.

0:43:450:43:46

For counterfeiting coins. This is the 1780s.

0:43:460:43:51

They devalued the currency of the entire country,

0:43:510:43:54

-they were so successful.

-How?

0:43:540:43:56

They clipped the edges off the coins,

0:43:560:43:58

melted down the clippings down, made more coins.

0:43:580:44:00

Does that work?

0:44:000:44:01

Not now, it wouldn't.

0:44:010:44:03

But it did then. Well, till they got caught.

0:44:030:44:06

They were like the Mafia.

0:44:060:44:08

Nasty, very nasty, but very successful.

0:44:080:44:11

And this was their stomping ground.

0:44:110:44:14

Yeah, we used to have rogues and murderers devalue the currency,

0:44:140:44:17

now Brexit lot does it for us.

0:44:170:44:19

So...how do you know this place is haunted?

0:44:190:44:23

This is where he was caught, Matthew Normanton.

0:44:230:44:26

They hunted him down like a dog.

0:44:260:44:29

This is after he went on t'run after him and Robert Thomas murdered

0:44:290:44:32

William Dighton on Bull Close Lane, Halifax.

0:44:320:44:35

Is he making all this up?

0:44:350:44:36

No! Is he buggery! But I didn't know that this was the house, though,

0:44:360:44:42

where Matthew Normanton were caught.

0:44:420:44:44

Yeah. Apparently.

0:44:440:44:46

So, who's William Dighton?

0:44:460:44:48

The fella the Mint sent to investigate.

0:44:480:44:50

He had King David arrested and then King David's brother Isaac,

0:44:500:44:54

he got these two to murder William Dighton.

0:44:540:44:57

It were all very high-octane stuff.

0:44:570:44:59

B-But how-how do you know this place is haunted?

0:44:590:45:02

It's only a story.

0:45:020:45:04

Well, no, it's not, it's well documented.

0:45:040:45:07

Yes, but the ghost bit is only a story.

0:45:070:45:10

Well, he's been seen more than once.

0:45:100:45:12

-Where?

-Here.

0:45:120:45:13

Yeah, but where?

0:45:130:45:15

Don't start putting lurid ideas into gullible p...

0:45:150:45:18

into people's heads!

0:45:180:45:20

Fair enough.

0:45:200:45:21

I want to know.

0:45:210:45:22

So do I.

0:45:220:45:24

No, no, your mother's right. I don't want to upset folk.

0:45:240:45:27

Tell us!

0:45:270:45:28

Well, apparently, they wouldn't let him in, you see.

0:45:310:45:37

So apparently, gone midnight, his face appears pressed against

0:45:370:45:43

one of these downstairs windows.

0:45:430:45:46

All contorted, greenish hue, screaming to be let in.

0:45:460:45:52

I know somebody who's reckoned they've seen it.

0:45:540:45:56

You remember Joe Sunderland?

0:45:560:45:58

One of his cousins, they used to farm up here.

0:45:580:46:00

This is years ago.

0:46:000:46:01

Which window?

0:46:010:46:02

I've no idea. But the story is,

0:46:020:46:06

he only appears...before a death.

0:46:060:46:10

THUNDER RUMBLES

0:46:100:46:11

I wonder how Robbie is.

0:46:130:46:15

Why didn't you do any research before you bought the stupid place?

0:46:150:46:18

Speaking as a doctor, of science, this is all nonsense.

0:46:180:46:24

It's highly entertaining and no doubt very well researched,

0:46:240:46:26

but nonetheless...

0:46:260:46:28

THUNDER CRASHES

0:46:280:46:29

THEY SPEAK OVER EACH OTHER

0:46:290:46:30

It's only a surge in power! It's all right!

0:46:300:46:33

It happens all the time over at our Gillian's.

0:46:330:46:35

Your trip switch is gone, that's all!

0:46:350:46:37

-LAWRENCE:

-Ooh-ooh!

-WILLIAM:

-Ridiculous house!

0:46:370:46:39

You can shut up!

0:46:390:46:40

-ALAN:

-Where's your box with all your switches in?

0:46:400:46:42

I know this. It's actually somewhere really obvious.

0:46:420:46:44

-WILLIAM:

-So that's helpful(!)

-Oh, my God! Whose is that green face

0:46:440:46:47

at the window, horribly contorted in a silent scream?

0:46:470:46:49

You'll be laughing on t'other side of your face one of these days, lad.

0:46:490:46:53

(Olga. Olga.)

0:47:040:47:06

(Olga.)

0:47:070:47:08

Ohh...

0:47:080:47:10

Olga, come on, you've got to go, you've got to go back to Harrogate.

0:47:110:47:15

You've got deliveries to make, it's Christmas in a few days,

0:47:150:47:19

people will need their, erm...

0:47:190:47:22

alcohol.

0:47:220:47:23

Shit.

0:47:230:47:25

I did tell you not to open another bottle.

0:47:250:47:27

It wasn't just me. There was loads of us.

0:47:270:47:30

Can I make you some breakfast before you set off?

0:47:300:47:34

No.

0:47:340:47:35

No, you've got stuff to do. I've got to get off.

0:47:370:47:39

My brother will have one of his tantrums if I'm late in.

0:47:390:47:42

Can I take this with me?

0:47:420:47:43

-Sure.

-I'll bring the mug back.

0:47:430:47:45

Don't worry about the mug.

0:47:450:47:46

I'll post the mug.

0:47:460:47:48

No, keep the mug, we've got too many mugs.

0:47:480:47:50

Well, I'm sorry if I inflicted myself on you. I just...

0:47:510:47:55

I wanted to bring you a present.

0:47:550:47:57

Thanks for that.

0:47:570:47:59

It was very kind.

0:47:590:48:00

Thanks.

0:48:100:48:12

Call me, if you change your mind about shit.

0:48:120:48:16

I mean, I realise that you probably won't, but should the urge strike,

0:48:160:48:19

don't fight it.

0:48:190:48:20

Right.

0:48:200:48:22

William's nice.

0:48:220:48:24

Thank you.

0:48:250:48:27

You know, you're a really easy person to like, to begin with,

0:48:290:48:32

but then it becomes like... quite hard work.

0:48:320:48:35

Yeah. I know. You're not the...

0:48:350:48:38

..and you won't be the last, either. Probably.

0:48:400:48:43

You have a good Christmas.

0:48:450:48:47

Thanks again for the wine.

0:48:470:48:49

Yeah. Oh, and good luck with the school.

0:48:490:48:51

Did you sleep?

0:49:240:49:25

Not really. Is the heating on?

0:49:250:49:28

Yeah, believe it or not. I need to get the boiler serviced.

0:49:280:49:32

I knew that, it was on the survey.

0:49:320:49:35

Should've done it before we moved in.

0:49:350:49:37

Yes, love. I've had a lot on.

0:49:380:49:40

Yeah, I know. I get that.

0:49:400:49:42

Which is why it seems like a weird decision to sell up and take

0:49:420:49:45

on this mad job in a horrib...

0:49:450:49:48

Difficult school. And who the hell is Olg...?

0:49:480:49:51

Is she still here?

0:49:510:49:52

No, she's just gone. Just now.

0:49:530:49:56

I thought you thought she was interesting.

0:49:590:50:02

I was being polite.

0:50:020:50:03

She was an ill-advised foray into...

0:50:070:50:10

..God knows.

0:50:130:50:15

And she is interesting, actually.

0:50:180:50:19

There is slightly more to her than meets the eye.

0:50:190:50:22

She owns that wine company, her and her brother. They inherited it

0:50:240:50:30

off their parents.

0:50:300:50:31

She just...doesn't seem to take life very seriously.

0:50:330:50:40

And that... might have seemed attractive.

0:50:400:50:44

Briefly.

0:50:450:50:46

You know, I was amazed.

0:50:520:50:55

When you told me you were leaving Sulgrave Heath.

0:50:560:50:59

I thought you loved that school.

0:50:590:51:00

I did.

0:51:000:51:02

And I thought you weren't supposed to make any big decisions...

0:51:020:51:06

for, like, a year after a bereavement.

0:51:060:51:09

It's been more than a year.

0:51:090:51:12

Not much more.

0:51:120:51:13

And you still feel bereaved. You told me so last time I phoned you.

0:51:150:51:19

Well, why didn't you say something then?

0:51:240:51:26

I suppose I always assume you know what you're doing.

0:51:310:51:34

Come on.

0:52:010:52:02

How long have you got?

0:52:160:52:17

Oh, a couple of hours. They're rehearsing while three, so...

0:52:170:52:21

I thought I might pop into Halifax, do a bit of Christmas shopping.

0:52:210:52:24

-What can I get you?

-PHONE RINGS

0:52:240:52:26

That's you.

0:52:260:52:27

Eh?

0:52:270:52:28

Oh!

0:52:280:52:30

It's Celia.

0:52:330:52:34

Hello?

0:52:340:52:35

You'll never believe. Gerald's had a stroke.

0:52:350:52:38

-Who?

-Yeah, last night.

0:52:380:52:40

Janice has stepped in to direct, but we've no-one to play Dr Bradman.

0:52:400:52:44

Oh, well, I don't know anyone who...

0:52:440:52:48

So I said you'd do it.

0:52:480:52:49

-Me?

-'Oh, you'd be perfect.'

0:52:490:52:52

-I can't act!

-What's happened?

0:52:530:52:56

Surely they've got other folk?

0:52:560:52:58

Apparently not.

0:52:580:53:00

And it's such fun, Alan, and everyone's so pleasant,

0:53:000:53:04

'I'm sure you'd enjoy it.'

0:53:040:53:06

I can't start learning lines at my age.

0:53:060:53:08

'Don't be so soft. Of course you can!'

0:53:080:53:11

Anyway, he hasn't got that many lines.

0:53:110:53:14

You can make half of it up, that's what I do.

0:53:140:53:16

'As long as you get the gist across.'

0:53:160:53:19

I don't... I don't think it's my sort of thing.

0:53:190:53:21

Go on wi' you!

0:53:210:53:22

Shut up.

0:53:220:53:24

It's only acting, poncing about on stage. What's happened?

0:53:240:53:26

Well, if we don't get anybody,

0:53:260:53:28

then the whole thing is going to fall through

0:53:280:53:31

'and it'll be a disappointment.'

0:53:310:53:34

And they've sold all these tickets.

0:53:340:53:37

'Well, will you think about it?'

0:53:370:53:39

What have you got to lose?

0:53:390:53:40

I mean, apart from your dignity and your self-respect.

0:53:400:53:43

Right, bugger it, I'll do it.

0:53:430:53:45

Really?!

0:53:450:53:46

Alan says he'll do it!

0:53:460:53:49

Oh, wonderful. And he has acted before?

0:53:490:53:51

Erm, yes...

0:53:510:53:52

Yes. You've acted before, haven't you, Alan?

0:53:520:53:55

-Well, no.

-Yes, yes, he's acted before.

0:53:550:53:58

Anyway, you need to get over here now.

0:53:580:54:00

-Now?

-There'll be a copy of the play here for you.

0:54:000:54:03

Right, well, I'll...

0:54:030:54:05

be there as soon as I can.

0:54:050:54:07

Super! Bye!

0:54:070:54:09

Why?

0:54:120:54:13

The things we do for love, eh? You pillock!

0:54:140:54:18

He's in there. I've known he was in there for years, only I've convinced

0:54:210:54:24

myself I was being stupid.

0:54:240:54:26

-In the barn.

-Yes!

0:54:260:54:27

-What fella in the barn?

-She just makes up stories with him.

0:54:270:54:30

You don't fancy doing this play instead of me, do you?

0:54:300:54:34

-EXAGGERATED VOICE:

-He's been working...a bit too hard lately.

0:54:340:54:39

I can't act, any more than you can.

0:54:390:54:41

You need to have more of a manner, Alan.

0:54:410:54:43

These are sophisticated people, they live in Kent for goodness' sake.

0:54:430:54:48

He's bringing a ouija board! We're going to speak to Matthew Normanton.

0:54:480:54:51

Is there anybody there?

0:54:510:54:53

-Oh, shit!

-Did you feel that?

-People better not be messing about.

0:54:530:54:56

That was when I met Olga.

0:54:560:54:58

-Hi.

-So I invited her in.

0:54:590:55:01

You could make a real difference!

0:55:010:55:03

And one thing led to another.

0:55:030:55:05

I've got this thing that I need to tell you.

0:55:050:55:06

-What happens in these stories?

-Nothing.

0:55:060:55:09

Someone is with us.

0:55:090:55:10

-Have you done this before, Granny?

-Maybe this was meant to happen.

0:55:100:55:13

Stop being weird, Mum.

0:55:130:55:15

Are you a spirit of the departed, passed over from the other side?

0:55:150:55:19

-We should never have got married.

-That's just...

-He doesn't like it.

0:55:190:55:22

Spirit, spell out your name for us.

0:55:220:55:26

I'm not sure I want to do this any more.

0:55:260:55:27

We're on, everyone!

0:55:270:55:29

Get off me hat!

0:55:290:55:30

Sorry, we have to go in now.

0:55:300:55:32

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