Episode 2 Last Tango in Halifax


Episode 2

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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language.

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-I've got a new headship.

-Where?

-Huddersfield.

-Went well? The move.

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-Robbie? Shit!

-Jesus!

-Shit, Robbie!

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-Oh, my God.

-Dial 999 now.

-He's still in there. Eddie.

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Your house is haunted by none other than Matthew Normanton,

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right-hand man to King David himself.

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Nonetheless, it's... THUNDER RUMBLES

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I know there's no such thing. But what if there is?

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Celia's playing Madame Arcati in Blithe Spirit.

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-We've no-one to play Dr Bradman.

-Oh...

-So I said you'd do it.

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What have you got to lose?

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John and Judith? Are you serious?

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This is why I'm suggesting doing it at my house, rather than yours.

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Greg wants to come and spend time with Flora,

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so that's another reason to be at our house.

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-What about...

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-..Bridget?

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-Well, Bridget... HIGH-PITCHED:

-Bridget.

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..will be with her parents in Chipping Norton.

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Of course she will. Of course! That's where she comes from.

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Yeah, so...

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What do you think?

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Yeah, let's do it at your house.

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Brandy snaps!

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Oh, my actual God. Do you remember brandy snaps?

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I haven't had brandy snaps

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since I was, like, six at my Auntie Mary's house.

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You all right?

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Caroline?

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What's the matter?

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This thing happened, and I haven't told anyone.

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It's delicate.

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OK.

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Obviously, since Kate died, it can't have been easy for you.

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How do you feel you've been coping with your responsibilities here?

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-I'm sorry?

-You have been an outstanding headteacher.

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No-one here has anything but the highest regard for you.

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However, the worry is that your performance has become...

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"Lacklustre" is too strong a word.

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Anyway, we - the governors and the parents -

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wonder whether you would benefit from

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some sort of...sabbatical.

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-You're kidding!

-And it became clear as the conversation went on...

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..that this was a sabbatical

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-I wasn't ever supposed to come back from.

-Why?

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We think we live in such a tolerant society, but...

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-..you scratch the surface...

-No way.

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Of course, nothing was said in so many words and I could have

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made a fuss, but I was bereaved. There's the irony.

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I was bereaved and I didn't feel up to it.

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Talk about adding insult to injury.

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And I didn't tell anyone

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because it was a conversation I didn't want to have...

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with anyone, certainly not with my mother or the boys,

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and so I pretended it was a choice, a bold new adventure,

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and now I'm terrified.

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I'm terrified that I'm not going to last five minutes at this new place,

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I'm terrified that they're going to eat me alive.

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-No-one could eat you alive.

-No, I know.

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When you've got 101 tiny little irritations

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chipping away at your self-esteem...

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however strong you think you are...

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and then you just make...

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..just one or two rogue decisions...

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..and suddenly, you find yourself

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living in a strange house that everyone hates, and you're facing

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a job you're worried you haven't got the stamina for...

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-OK.

-..any more...

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SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

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Why did you go for such a difficult school?

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Well, just after I had that conversation with Gavin,

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that was when I met Olga.

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Are you all right?

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-Oh! I'm sorry! I'm sorry. I'm really... Oh, my God.

-Oh!

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That is a £45,000 car. HORN TOOTS

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-Shit! Oh, God! Oh, no.

-Are you all right?

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I think so. I think so. Am I? Are you?

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Weren't you looking?

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I thought you were moving off. Were you not moving off?

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There were things coming!

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-Oh, this isn't happening. Oh, God.

-HORNS BLARE

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-Are you all right?

-Pull over!

-Yeah, whatever. Go round. You can see what's happening, can't you?

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You've got eyes in your head. Wanker!

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-MAN SHOUTS

-You're a stupid arsehole as well.

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Bring it on, moron!

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-I am really sorry.

-We need to exchange details.

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-OK.

-I'm just going to take some photos.

-Good, good. Good idea.

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I've just got to see if my daughter's all right.

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She's not hurt, is she?

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-No.

-Oh, she's tiny!

-She's fine.

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SHE GASPS

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Mummy's just going to be a few moments, Flora.

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We've just had a silly little bump.

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-You know, I don't know who I'm insured with.

-You are insured?

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I think I'm panicking.

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If you just give me your name and a phone number.

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HORNS TOOT

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-OK, I'm just going to ring the police.

-Why?! Why?

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-Well, just because we're blocking the roundabout.

-Have I gone pale?

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Yeah, sit down, put your head between your knees. I'll...

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I'll sort everything out.

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You're taking this very well.

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Yeah, I'm sorry I said that thing about the car costing so much.

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I apologise, I'm sorry. It was unhelpful and unnecessary.

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No, please, don't. I...

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SHOUTING, HORNS BLARE

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Tosser!

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What is wrong with these people?

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You really need to calm down.

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I am calm!

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I am not calm.

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-I think I'm going to be sick.

-Have you been drinking?

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No, no! God, no.

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I mean, don't get me wrong, I do drink, but...

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-I can drink for England.

-Look, look, OK.

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I want to phone the police because I don't know what the procedure is

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if you can't move your vehicle, and your van is dripping something.

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Oh, no, that's just coolant. I don't think it's petrol.

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It's something coming out of the radiator. It's probably water.

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It's not petrol, it's just...

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Oh, my God, it's petrol! Get the toddler out.

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Get her out the car!

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Right.

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Have I spelt it properly?

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Yeah.

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-What's yours?

-It's Mackenzie-Dawson.

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Caroline.

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And it's 07700 900 643.

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Right.

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So... Flora, she's your daughter?

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Yes.

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So, is she adopted?

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-No.

-Oh!

-No.

-OK.

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Wow.

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So...

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-Oh, my partner gave birth to her.

-Oh.

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OK. Good.

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Sorry.

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For what?

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Being inept, asking dumb questions.

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No, you're direct. It's good.

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Makes life easier.

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So, what does your partner do?

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Nothing.

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She's dead.

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So...so you ended up...

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I ended up in bed with her, yeah. Which so isn't me.

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I know. I know that.

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I don't pick people up off street corners and end up in bed with them.

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-Like I do?

-No, I never... I didn't say that.

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And that's not...

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That's exactly what happened.

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It was a few days later.

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She just knocked on the door.

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Hi.

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Which was a nice gesture, which she didn't have to make,

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so I invited her in.

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And, erm, we had...we had...

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Well, it was a Friday night, so we had some of the wine.

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Maybe two bottles.

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-I mean, it was good wine.

-That's all that matters.

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And, um...

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Yeah... She... We...

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One thing led to another.

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I've got this thing that I need to tell you.

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What?

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-You know when I went into the back of you? I mean, on the road.

-Yeah.

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-I was texting.

-Oh.

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I just need to get that off my chest

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because it really shouldn't have happened,

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especially with Flora in the back and everything. So...

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-I'm sorry.

-It's OK.

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-Really?

-Yeah.

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Yeah.

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God, she's a stupid bitch.

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-Sorry, who is?

-Oh, my girlfriend.

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That's who I was texting. She drives me up the wall.

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Trust it to be her that I'm texting

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when I smash into the back of a £90 million car.

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Sorry...

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You've just apologised to me because you were texting

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and then you blithely go and mention to me that you've got a girlfriend?

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Ex. Ex!

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Did I not say ex? No, we split up.

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When?

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SHE SIGHS

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Day before yesterday. She dumped me.

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Why?

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Because...

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..she thought I'd been seeing someone.

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And had you?

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So obviously I'm someone she's just picked up on the rebound

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from a shit-storm of entanglement.

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So then I felt like I'd been unfaithful to Kate,

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and if I was going to do something like that,

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it should have meant more.

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I should've been more discerning.

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I should... Why am I telling you this?

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Oh, yes, Olga is intelligent, cultured,

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but entirely uneducated, her and her brother.

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-Sod 'em!

-Yeah, I know.

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ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS

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-You know what you should do?

-What?

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You should work in the state sector.

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You're needed.

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I had a really shit education.

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You know, our dumb parents lurched from one bad enterprise to another,

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which meant we never had any money, despite being posh.

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So we ended up down the local comp.

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That's where I learned to talk like this. I hated it!

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Half the staff, they didn't know what they were talking about.

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And the other half,

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they were so overworked

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and all so thoroughly demoralised.

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God, they reeked of it. They stank of it.

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Oh, and then this really crap, useless headteacher,

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who never spoke to any of us

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because he was too busy having a breakdown...

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Go and work in a state school.

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In a school in a poor area.

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In a school that really needs someone like you.

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You could make a real difference!

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Can you imagine?

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If kids in state schools had the kind of teachers

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-that someone like you could attract...

-Yes, it's... It's...

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It's not that simple.

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Of course it isn't. It takes a lot of people to make a real difference.

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But where do you start, if it's not with someone like you?

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Maybe this was meant to happen.

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God, yeah!

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No, Caroline!

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Maybe...

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..she's right.

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Maybe this was meant to happen.

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Don't tell anyone.

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Men are worse than women, you know,

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especially highly strung men, like your husband...

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..is.

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-Is he so highly strung, do you think?

-Yes.

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Erm...

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I need to talk to you about that.

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He's been working a bit too hard lately.

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You do know you're paraphrasing?

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Remorselessly, as Gerald would say.

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Yeah, but I'm getting gist across.

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You need to have more of a manner, Alan, you know?

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These are sophisticated people.

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They live in Kent, for goodness' sake. It's the 1940s.

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I don't know...

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I've driven through Kent, you know, once in the 1970s.

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That's different.

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And who are these people? I don't know who these people are.

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They've got a maid, a cook that they treat like dirt.

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Neither of them seem to go out to work.

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Don't they know there's a war on?

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-I mean, that's not even mentioned.

-It's a comedy!

0:13:230:13:26

Get on board. Come on, let's keep going.

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POSH VOICE: Is he so highly strung, do you think?

0:13:300:13:33

-POSH VOICE:

-I'm afraid he's been working

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a bit too hard lately.

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NORMAL VOICE: Been OVERWORKING lately.

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-POSH VOICE:

-Been overworking lately.

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"Overwarking"?

0:13:450:13:46

-NORMAL VOICE:

-Oh...

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Eh? Eh? Summat about in a nervous condition but nowt serious.

0:13:480:13:54

I think that's as far as I've got.

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Right, well, that's the scene you're going to be rehearsing tonight.

0:13:570:14:01

Janice'll want you on top of your lines.

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I'll be on top of my lines.

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-I've said I'll do it.

-Bye!

->

0:14:050:14:06

-And I'll do it properly.

-The news is good.

0:14:060:14:08

Angus has passed his test and he's driving over on Christmas Day

0:14:080:14:11

-to get away from his mental parents.

-Oh, yippee.

0:14:110:14:14

Well, you better tell Gillian or your mother,

0:14:140:14:16

whoever's doing the cooking.

0:14:160:14:18

-We've already got a full house.

-Good. They won't notice one more.

0:14:180:14:21

We'll be off out in his jalopy as soon as he gets here.

0:14:210:14:24

Oh, that'll make your mother happy(!)

0:14:240:14:26

You and Angus the nitwit taking hairpin bends at breakneck speed

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across the moors in a car with no brakes.

0:14:310:14:33

Oh, and he's bringing a ouija board.

0:14:330:14:36

We're going to speak to Matthew Normanton.

0:14:360:14:38

-Where did he get a ouija board from?

-Amazon.

0:14:380:14:40

You can join in, if you want.

0:14:400:14:41

Like, method acting with this old bag woman

0:14:410:14:44

you're playing in this play.

0:14:440:14:46

Go on, then.

0:14:490:14:51

Grandad.

0:14:510:14:53

-No, you can't.

-What's she wanting?

-Grandad.

0:14:530:14:56

-She wants Robbie to carry her.

-He can't, chicken. He's hurt his neck.

0:14:560:14:59

Strictly speaking, Grandma hurt his neck, but we won't dwell on it.

0:14:590:15:02

Never going to let it drop.

0:15:020:15:04

In the barn.

0:15:070:15:08

-Yes, that's right.

-In the barn.

-That's right. In the barn.

0:15:080:15:12

-She's not on about him again!

-She loves him.

-Who?

0:15:120:15:14

-The fellow in the barn.

-What fellow in the barn?

0:15:140:15:17

-It's just this idea she's got.

-Of a fellow in the barn?

0:15:170:15:20

-Just one of her imaginary friends.

-What does he look like?

0:15:200:15:23

-What's he said to her?

-Mum, it's a joke, it's pretend.

0:15:230:15:27

Yeah, but it's not a joke if she thinks he exists.

0:15:270:15:30

-Does he have a name?

-Grandad.

0:15:300:15:33

Yeah, in her little pixie head he exists.

0:15:330:15:35

-Nowhere else.

-So what has she said about him?

-Nothing!

-Ellie!

0:15:350:15:39

-She just makes up stories with him.

-With him?

-About him.

0:15:390:15:42

-What happens in these stories?

-Nothing! It's nowt.

0:15:420:15:45

Are we going to Caroline's, or what?

0:15:450:15:47

-Yeah. Stop being weird, Mum.

-Get in.

0:15:470:15:50

INDISTINCT CHATTER

0:16:060:16:08

-OK, are you ready?

-Shh.

0:16:120:16:13

-Theresa May?

-I don't know what you're doing. What are you doing?

0:16:160:16:20

-I know who it is.

-They're hopeless!

-It's obvious.

0:16:200:16:24

It's obvious to me who it is.

0:16:240:16:25

Ethelred the Unready.

0:16:250:16:27

Enid Blyton.

0:16:270:16:28

Erm... Oh, Michael McIntyre.

0:16:280:16:31

What's-her-name off The Magic Roundabout?

0:16:310:16:33

-You're just reeling off names now.

-Well, it's one way.

0:16:330:16:36

Is it...

0:16:360:16:38

Oh, are you cooking something? You've baked a cake. Nigella Lawson.

0:16:380:16:42

-Jamie Oliver. Fanny Cradock.

-Who?

0:16:420:16:44

It's got to be a name that's already been!

0:16:440:16:46

-Talking, you're talking. You're not allowed to talk, Celia.

-Oh, Jesus.

0:16:460:16:50

Oh, yeah, him!

0:16:500:16:51

-So sad.

-Minute's up. Stop.

-ALL:

-Aw...

0:16:510:16:56

They all get it. How come you can't?

0:16:560:16:58

Well, it would help if one-third of the women's team wasn't babies,

0:16:580:17:01

and the other third weren't outside having a fag,

0:17:010:17:03

or whatever it is they think they're doing.

0:17:030:17:05

-ALL:

-Oo-oo-ooh!

0:17:050:17:07

I've got this thing I'd like to get off my chest.

0:17:090:17:12

OK.

0:17:120:17:13

The afterlife.

0:17:130:17:15

Oh, yeah.

0:17:150:17:17

Me dad told me about

0:17:170:17:18

him and your mum wanting to be buried together whenever...

0:17:180:17:24

Yes.

0:17:240:17:25

You knew?

0:17:270:17:29

Yeah.

0:17:290:17:30

-Yeah.

-Well, I suppose it's different for you.

0:17:330:17:36

Your mum and dad never got on, did they?

0:17:360:17:38

So they might not want to be together for ever in eternity.

0:17:380:17:43

But it's...

0:17:430:17:45

It's bothered me about mine.

0:17:450:17:48

But then we now know he was unfaithful to her, so...

0:17:490:17:53

Maybe she wouldn't have wanted that anyway now, so...

0:17:560:17:58

Oh, I don't know.

0:17:580:18:00

Sorry, I should've told you.

0:18:030:18:05

So, when did you know?

0:18:050:18:07

When they altered their wills last summer.

0:18:070:18:10

I'm my mother's executor, so I had to sign something.

0:18:100:18:13

-May, June, around then.

-You're an executor?

-Yeah.

0:18:140:18:18

GEARS CRUNCH

0:18:230:18:25

TYRES SCREECH

0:18:270:18:28

Here he is!

0:18:280:18:30

-Better start the washing up.

-Yeah.

0:18:330:18:35

Did you, erm, bring the stuff?

0:18:350:18:37

£9.99.

0:18:420:18:44

We're having a seance when it gets dark. Do you want to play...join in?

0:18:480:18:52

Yeah. Why not?

0:18:520:18:53

-Ah.

-Hello.

-Is there any more...

0:19:000:19:03

-I thought you'd come to help me with the washing up.

-Oh, yeah. Can do.

0:19:040:19:09

Um...

0:19:090:19:11

-Why are you here?

-To be with the boys.

0:19:130:19:17

No, really.

0:19:170:19:18

Oh...

0:19:180:19:20

You think this is me desperately needing to be with other people

0:19:200:19:24

on Christmas Day because I can't stand being on my own with her? No!

0:19:240:19:28

Not in the least.

0:19:280:19:30

Since she stopped drinking, well, some days it's touch and go,

0:19:300:19:34

but on the whole...

0:19:340:19:36

I think we're actually pretty well matched. She's great fun.

0:19:360:19:40

Very clever.

0:19:400:19:41

No, I often think, as I'm sure you do,

0:19:430:19:45

that things always tend to work out for the best...in the end.

0:19:450:19:50

One way and another.

0:19:520:19:55

Good.

0:19:550:19:56

Well, good.

0:19:580:20:00

Good.

0:20:030:20:04

I'm pleased for you.

0:20:070:20:09

TV ON IN THE BACKGROUND

0:20:270:20:29

You don't fancy doing this play instead of me, do you?

0:20:370:20:41

-Playing this Dr Bradman fellow?

-Me?

-Yeah.

-I can't act

0:20:410:20:46

-any more than you can.

-Well, I don't think that matters, as such.

0:20:460:20:51

-It's only am-dram.

-Well, no, I don't fancy doing it.

0:20:510:20:55

I think I've bitten off more than I can chew.

0:20:550:20:58

Aye. Well, you shouldn't have been

0:21:000:21:01

so keen to say yes just to make some damn silly point, should you?

0:21:010:21:04

I didn't want Celia to be disappointed if it all fell through.

0:21:040:21:08

-You'll be all right.

-I keep having nightmares.

0:21:100:21:13

We're standing in the wings and I'm in costume

0:21:140:21:17

and I'm just about to step on stage and, God knows why,

0:21:170:21:21

it's only then I realise

0:21:210:21:23

I've never actually sat down and learned the lines.

0:21:230:21:27

-None of them.

-Ooh, shit.

0:21:270:21:29

I know.

0:21:290:21:31

I've had it three times now.

0:21:310:21:33

You only got the part two days ago.

0:21:330:21:35

Yeah, but I have naps.

0:21:350:21:38

Well, it's only a dream. It's probably normal.

0:21:410:21:44

I bet Laurence Olivier were the same.

0:21:440:21:46

-Go on.

-What?

0:21:460:21:48

You do it. You'll be better than me.

0:21:500:21:52

-No.

-Think about it.

0:21:520:21:55

No.

0:21:550:21:56

-Is there a gardener?

-Eh?

-In the play, is there a gardener?

0:22:050:22:09

No. Not that I know of.

0:22:110:22:14

Why?

0:22:140:22:15

I could be a gardener.

0:22:150:22:17

There isn't a gardener.

0:22:170:22:20

-I'd be a good gardener.

-There isn't one.

0:22:200:22:22

-Well, happen there should be.

-Well, there isn't.

0:22:220:22:25

-Well, happen somebody should write one in, then.

-He's dead.

0:22:250:22:28

-Who is?

-The fella that wrote it.

0:22:280:22:30

Noel.

0:22:300:22:31

Yeah, him.

0:22:310:22:33

I'd make a good gardener.

0:22:360:22:38

This doctor, happen he does a bit of gardening in his spare time.

0:22:410:22:45

Happen you could think of him more as a gardener than a doctor.

0:22:450:22:48

Bugger off. I'm not falling for that. A doctor's a doctor.

0:22:480:22:52

-I know what you should do.

-What?

-Play it for laughs.

0:22:580:23:02

Get a big set of false teeth, like that vicar Dick Emery used to do,

0:23:020:23:06

and talk like a silly arse. It would bring the house down. It will.

0:23:060:23:10

That's what you need. A gimmick. A thing.

0:23:100:23:13

You could do a limp, something like that. You could be a bit pissed.

0:23:130:23:17

Play him pissed. A pissed doctor. That'll get 'em going.

0:23:170:23:22

A pissed doctor that squints. Hey?

0:23:220:23:25

A limp, pissed, squint and...

0:23:250:23:27

stick your teeth out and talk like a silly arse.

0:23:270:23:31

They'll give you a Bafta for that!

0:23:310:23:33

You see, you've got more ideas than me! I think you're missing a trick.

0:23:330:23:38

HARRY GRUMBLES

0:23:380:23:40

-I don't...

-What?

0:23:430:23:46

I don't think I can learn these lines.

0:23:460:23:48

Not in three days.

0:23:480:23:50

HE SIGHS

0:23:500:23:52

At one time, happen, but not now. And I have tried.

0:23:520:23:56

HE SIGHS

0:23:570:23:59

Well... I'll have a look.

0:24:010:24:04

Eee...

0:24:080:24:10

Well, everybody can't put their hand on the planchette

0:24:100:24:13

because there isn't room.

0:24:130:24:15

-I'm happy to just watch. Can you just watch?

-Er, yeah.

0:24:150:24:17

I'm not sure this is something that you really want to be doing.

0:24:170:24:20

If you're going to have doubts about it, it won't work.

0:24:200:24:22

It says so on the instructions.

0:24:220:24:24

Yeah, shut up. Let's just get on with it, yeah?

0:24:240:24:26

-Right. I'll just watch.

-Come on, we're losing momentum.

0:24:260:24:29

-Who's going to be in charge, then? Have we decided?

-Granny.

0:24:290:24:31

It's good research for a play that she's in.

0:24:310:24:33

Good. Come on, Celia. You'll be good at this.

0:24:330:24:36

Right, come on, kids. Concentrate.

0:24:360:24:38

Shh.

0:24:380:24:39

Is there anybody there?

0:24:470:24:50

SNIGGERING

0:24:510:24:53

-Sorry.

-You will have to leave the room.

-Sorry.

0:24:530:24:56

Nerves. Sorry, Celia.

0:24:560:24:59

Is there anybody there?

0:25:020:25:04

-Oh, shit.

-Did you feel that?

-Keep your hands on.

0:25:050:25:08

Did you do that?

0:25:080:25:10

Shh.

0:25:100:25:12

-RAFF:

-Was that real?

0:25:120:25:13

-Shh.

-Was it? People better not be messing about.

0:25:130:25:16

Oh, come on. Concentrate.

0:25:160:25:18

Are you there?

0:25:200:25:22

Please indicate to us if you are there.

0:25:220:25:25

Is there anybody there?

0:25:270:25:29

-You're doing that.

-I am not.

0:25:300:25:33

That's weird. That is weird. That's weird.

0:25:330:25:36

-Someone is with us. LAWRENCE:

-Have you done this before, Granny?

-No.

0:25:360:25:40

-Granny, are you moving it?

-No, she isn't.

-No.

0:25:420:25:45

Are you a spirit of the departed, passed over, from the other side?

0:25:470:25:51

-Celia, no, really. Is that you?

-That's weird.

-Put your hand back on.

0:25:530:25:57

I think it's weird.

0:25:570:25:59

Spirit...spell out your name for us.

0:25:590:26:02

Oh, my God.

0:26:040:26:05

S.

0:26:050:26:07

P.

0:26:080:26:10

SHE GASPS

0:26:100:26:12

I.

0:26:120:26:14

K.

0:26:150:26:17

E.

0:26:190:26:20

-Spike?

-Ooh, no. That's freaky, that.

0:26:220:26:26

We used to have a cat called Spike.

0:26:260:26:29

A black cat. He got chopped up in a combine in the lower field.

0:26:290:26:34

-Do you remember, Mum?

-Yeah. Yeah, I remember it was me that k...

0:26:340:26:38

I'm not sure I want to do this any more.

0:26:410:26:44

SNORING

0:26:580:27:00

Shut up.

0:27:000:27:02

Shh.

0:27:040:27:06

SNORING CONTINUES

0:27:060:27:09

Shut up!

0:27:090:27:10

Robbie, shut up!

0:27:130:27:15

SNORING CONTINUES

0:27:160:27:18

Robbie.

0:27:180:27:20

Robbie. Robbie.

0:27:200:27:23

Robbie!

0:27:230:27:25

Robbie. ROBBIE!

0:27:250:27:27

HE GASPS

0:27:270:27:29

Stop snoring.

0:27:290:27:30

Sorry.

0:27:320:27:33

SNORING RESUMES F... hell!

0:27:390:27:42

DOOR SLAMS

0:27:510:27:53

-You all right?

-Yeah. I can't sleep.

0:28:130:28:15

Why?

0:28:150:28:17

-Because you snore, Robbie.

-Sorry.

0:28:170:28:20

-I can't...

-What?

0:28:220:28:24

I can't do this any more.

0:28:280:28:30

What are you talking about?

0:28:310:28:33

This, us.

0:28:330:28:34

This, us - what?

0:28:350:28:37

SHE SIGHS

0:28:370:28:38

-Don't shout.

-What do you mean, don't shout?

0:28:410:28:44

I don't want you to go busting your stitches by shouting.

0:28:440:28:48

Yeah, well, it's not at the top of my list of things to do, either.

0:28:480:28:50

I think...

0:28:500:28:52

Something weird's happening.

0:28:520:28:54

You what?

0:28:550:28:57

You won't like what I'm going to say

0:28:570:28:59

and you'll think I'm mental, which is fine.

0:28:590:29:01

Right. Well, you'd better spit it out, then.

0:29:020:29:06

I do care about you.

0:29:180:29:20

Good.

0:29:210:29:23

Which is why...

0:29:230:29:25

Why what?

0:29:260:29:28

Why I'm worried.

0:29:300:29:32

About what?

0:29:320:29:34

Eddie.

0:29:370:29:39

Eddie?

0:29:390:29:41

I...

0:29:430:29:45

I think he's in the barn. That's the third accident you've had in there.

0:29:470:29:51

I think he never left.

0:29:540:29:56

And he knows we've got married and he doesn't like it.

0:29:560:29:59

That's...

0:29:590:30:01

Daft, I know. I do know that.

0:30:010:30:03

I think it's easy to read too much into stuff.

0:30:080:30:11

Don't you ever feel odd in that barn?

0:30:140:30:17

Well, yeah... It's where he died.

0:30:180:30:21

Obviously it's going to feel odd, but...

0:30:210:30:23

No, no... SHE INHALES SHARPLY

0:30:230:30:25

That's just knowing someone...

0:30:250:30:27

..took their own life in there,

0:30:280:30:30

-that's all that is.

-Yeah, but is it?

-Yes!

0:30:300:30:32

There's no such thing as ghosts.

0:30:320:30:35

OK, I've had three accidents,

0:30:350:30:37

but accidents happen.

0:30:370:30:39

It isn't like there isn't a logical explanation for 'em all.

0:30:390:30:42

That log falling on your head wasn't logical.

0:30:420:30:44

Except I was stacking logs at the time.

0:30:440:30:46

You said it felt like someone lobbed it at you.

0:30:460:30:48

That was the first thing you said when you came through that door!

0:30:480:30:51

Right. Supposing...

0:30:510:30:53

even supposing that there was something like that,

0:30:530:30:55

which there isn't, what could you do about it?

0:30:550:30:58

We should never have got married.

0:31:000:31:02

-He doesn't like it.

-Have you got any idea how mad that sounds?

0:31:030:31:07

I am actually...past caring if it sounds mad. He's in there.

0:31:070:31:11

I've known he was in there for years,

0:31:110:31:13

only I've convinced myself I was being stupid.

0:31:130:31:15

Gillian, he's not in there! He's dead!

0:31:150:31:18

He killed himself because he didn't want to be around any more.

0:31:180:31:22

-We should never have got married.

-Oh, that's just...

0:31:220:31:25

It's you I'm thinking about. It's you that keeps getting hurt.

0:31:250:31:29

Except, next time, if he does kill you, guess who'll be in the frame?

0:31:290:31:32

Guess who your buddies at the cop shop will be down on

0:31:320:31:35

-like a ton of bricks?

-Well, OK.

0:31:350:31:37

Well...

0:31:390:31:40

Why don't we sell up and start again somewhere else if you're that upset?

0:31:400:31:44

-Because he'd follow us.

-Gillian...

0:31:450:31:48

Anyway, I'm not being chased out by him.

0:31:480:31:51

This was my farm, not his. I...I worked for it.

0:31:510:31:54

I'm not going to be bullied by him.

0:31:540:31:56

I had enough of that to put up with when he was alive.

0:31:560:31:58

No, you won't be chased out by him,

0:31:580:32:00

but you'll give up on our marriage because of him!

0:32:000:32:03

I shouldn't have married you. That's the point. You're his brother.

0:32:030:32:07

It was a wrong thing to do.

0:32:070:32:08

That's... It's superstitious! It's crap!

0:32:080:32:12

He's been in there for years, watching me,

0:32:120:32:14

but he's never done anything like this before.

0:32:140:32:17

I don't think it's helpful thinking about him like this.

0:32:170:32:20

I think we should let him rest in peace, for all his faults.

0:32:200:32:23

-I'd love to.

-He's gone! He can't hurt you any more.

0:32:230:32:26

So, why is this happening?

0:32:280:32:30

You... You've chosen to connect two things.

0:32:300:32:33

It's all in here.

0:32:360:32:37

I want you to leave.

0:32:420:32:43

For your own good.

0:32:430:32:45

No. Gillian...think about it.

0:32:450:32:48

There's no evidence.

0:32:480:32:50

You're letting your imagination get the better of you.

0:32:500:32:53

-You're being silly.

-Silly?

0:32:530:32:56

You think this is just silly?

0:32:560:32:59

I'm going mad, Robbie!

0:32:590:33:01

Did you know Caroline is an executor for her mother's will?

0:33:030:33:07

I don't get asked. Dad doesn't ask me.

0:33:080:33:10

-What's that got to do with anything?

-Nothing. It's just...

0:33:100:33:13

She's doing my head in!

0:33:130:33:15

And of course I'd look small-minded if I say anything.

0:33:150:33:18

Look, I can see you're upset.

0:33:200:33:22

I can see that you believe it's real, this...business,

0:33:220:33:25

but from my point of view...

0:33:250:33:26

-..I can't.

-Right.

0:33:280:33:29

Well... Who's this fella that Calamity's been seeing, then?

0:33:290:33:33

She's a kiddie.

0:33:330:33:34

-It's imaginary.

-Yeah, but is it?

0:33:340:33:37

Some people think children can see things we can't.

0:33:400:33:43

Gill!

0:33:430:33:45

You know... you're starting to sound...

0:33:450:33:47

I never thought of you as flaky, Gillian.

0:33:480:33:51

SHE GASPS

0:33:510:33:53

There's something I've never told you.

0:33:580:34:00

What?

0:34:000:34:02

SHE EXHALES

0:34:020:34:04

What?

0:34:040:34:05

You were right.

0:34:100:34:12

All those years ago, trying to get me arrested.

0:34:130:34:17

Not my dad. He knew nothing.

0:34:170:34:19

It was me.

0:34:210:34:23

It wasn't an accident, it wasn't suicide.

0:34:240:34:27

It was me. I saw an opportunity and I...I took it.

0:34:280:34:31

I was off my head at the time. I was off my head with the...

0:34:310:34:36

the turmoil of having to live with a mad, torturing bastard.

0:34:360:34:38

-You're just saying that.

-I'm not.

0:34:380:34:40

-You didn't really do it.

-No, I did. And...I think...

0:34:400:34:44

..I can't live...like this any more.

0:34:450:34:48

I did it because I couldn't stand it, but I did it. I...

0:34:500:34:53

Why are you saying this?

0:34:540:34:56

-I can't be married to you, because I killed your brother.

-You...

0:34:560:35:00

-Don't say that. Why would you even say that?

-I need to tell the truth.

0:35:000:35:05

I could cope, just about, till we got married.

0:35:060:35:09

I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have done it to you.

0:35:090:35:13

-How did you kill him?

-Oh... You know how I killed him.

-Describe it to me.

0:35:140:35:18

Oh, fuck off!

0:35:180:35:20

Describe it to me!

0:35:200:35:22

He was playing with the log-splitter.

0:35:220:35:26

No helmet.

0:35:260:35:27

He didn't know I was there.

0:35:270:35:29

I came in behind him and I shoved his head in the way of the blade,

0:35:290:35:32

and it shattered his skull.

0:35:320:35:35

He was drunk, I was drunk.

0:35:350:35:37

No, you were just...

0:35:370:35:38

-You're trying to get rid of me.

-I'm... No.

0:35:390:35:42

SHE EXHALES

0:35:440:35:46

I need...to face the consequences and get it done with.

0:35:460:35:50

-You want me to arrest you?

-Yeah. I think you should.

0:35:500:35:53

Erm...make a phone call.

0:35:530:35:55

SHE MUMBLES

0:35:550:35:56

Do whatever you have to do.

0:35:560:35:58

-You're serious, aren't you?

-I killed him and I got away with it.

0:35:580:36:01

Except I didn't.

0:36:010:36:03

I want some peace.

0:36:050:36:06

And I'll never have any peace until I deal with it.

0:36:100:36:13

I'd rather kill myself than carry on like this.

0:36:180:36:21

I'm going to get dressed.

0:36:280:36:30

I'm going to pack a few things...

0:36:300:36:33

and I think...

0:36:330:36:35

..I'm leaving.

0:36:380:36:39

-Morning.

-Hi.

0:37:030:37:04

You all right?

0:37:070:37:08

Robbie's gone.

0:37:080:37:10

It's, erm, been brewing for a while, and now he's gone.

0:37:100:37:14

Where?

0:37:140:37:15

Why?

0:37:170:37:18

Like I say, it's...

0:37:200:37:21

-Are you all right?

-Yeah. I don't know. No!

0:37:230:37:27

-Has something happened?

-No. No.

0:37:300:37:33

I asked him to go and he went.

0:37:330:37:35

You asked him to go?

0:37:370:37:39

I'm fond of him. I've always been fond of him.

0:37:440:37:46

But we should never have got married.

0:37:480:37:51

I think we both know that now.

0:37:510:37:54

HE SIGHS

0:37:540:37:56

I'm sorry...

0:37:560:37:57

Have I shocked you? Are you upset?

0:37:590:38:02

Is he all right?

0:38:050:38:07

I don't know.

0:38:070:38:09

-Harry?!

-Yeah... He'll be better than me.

-He'll muck it up!

0:38:100:38:15

No, he won't.

0:38:150:38:16

-He'll do it daft.

-He's got some very interesting ideas.

-I bet!

0:38:160:38:21

I think he'll put his heart and soul into it.

0:38:210:38:24

-He doesn't look like a doctor.

-Well, neither do I.

-Yes, you do.

0:38:240:38:28

-You look distinguished.

-So does he!

-Does he buggery!

0:38:280:38:32

Anyway, what do doctors look like? They're just people.

0:38:320:38:35

They come in all...physiognomies.

0:38:350:38:38

-He's got a beard.

-HE SIGHS

0:38:380:38:40

-Freud had a beard.

-Yeah, and he was a pillock. Sex, sex, sex.

0:38:400:38:46

-He won't be a patch on you!

-It's just...

0:38:460:38:48

HE SIGHS

0:38:500:38:51

It's not my thing, I've realised,

0:38:510:38:54

standing on a stage, everyone looking, expecting summat.

0:38:540:38:59

I... I'm sorry. I were only doing it to help you out.

0:38:590:39:03

And he'll be perfectly...

0:39:030:39:05

He'll be better than me.

0:39:050:39:07

Well, I don't think he will.

0:39:070:39:09

And I'm disappointed.

0:39:090:39:12

I'll be involved. I...could...

0:39:120:39:15

sell programmes at the door. I could do the bar.

0:39:150:39:19

Do they have a bar?

0:39:190:39:21

I think you should reserve judgment wi' Harry.

0:39:220:39:25

I think you might be pleasantly surprised.

0:39:250:39:28

I'm going to brush my teeth.

0:39:300:39:32

Right.

0:39:320:39:33

-I'm sick of Harry!

-No, you're not.

-Yes, I fucking am!

0:39:360:39:39

-Oh, Mum!

-Well, if you can't say the F-word

0:39:390:39:43

when you're pissed off at my age, when can you say it?

0:39:430:39:46

Oh, she's not listening. She's not bothered.

0:39:460:39:50

Anyway, you like hearing your granny swear, don't you?

0:39:500:39:53

She finds it liberating and uplifting, don't you, chicken?

0:39:530:39:57

Ganny!

0:39:570:39:59

SHE CHUCKLES

0:39:590:40:00

-See?

-Yeah, well, so do I, most of the time, however...

0:40:000:40:03

can you just button it?

0:40:030:40:05

Oh, you're so conventional-minded, you.

0:40:050:40:08

-What's up?

-I think I put my foot in it yesterday with Gillian.

0:40:100:40:14

I mentioned the fact that I was an executor of your will,

0:40:140:40:17

and I didn't realise that she wasn't...

0:40:170:40:20

with her dad.

0:40:200:40:22

-So...

-Oh, well, wouldn't worry.

0:40:220:40:25

You know, he's worried...

0:40:260:40:28

that he can't remember his lines.

0:40:280:40:30

I heard them talking last night, him and Harry.

0:40:300:40:34

He's been struggling to remember his lines, then having bad dreams.

0:40:340:40:38

He doesn't want to let you down, but perhaps he genuinely isn't up to it.

0:40:380:40:43

And he has a heart condition.

0:40:430:40:45

-What do you mean? You think his memory's not...?

-He's 78!

-So am I!

0:40:450:40:50

Well, are YOU going to be ready on time?

0:40:500:40:52

You've got a lot more lines than he has, and you've only got three days.

0:40:520:40:56

Oh, I'll be all right.

0:40:560:40:58

-SHE CHUCKLES

-Oh, God knows.

0:40:580:41:01

But I mean, you can't let the side down

0:41:010:41:03

when you've said you'll do something, can you?

0:41:030:41:05

Well...I can't.

0:41:050:41:08

Have you been online? Got your tickets?

0:41:080:41:11

-You know we're nearly sold out?

-Yes! Everybody's coming.

0:41:120:41:16

And I mean everybody.

0:41:160:41:18

John, Judith, Greg, Angus, you name it. They can't wait.

0:41:180:41:21

-What night are you coming?

-First night!

0:41:210:41:23

-It's the only night that had any tickets left.

-And Olga?

0:41:230:41:26

-Olga?

-She said she wanted to come the other day. I like Olga.

0:41:260:41:33

Do you?

0:41:330:41:34

Why?

0:41:340:41:36

-Hiya.

-Hi.

0:41:500:41:52

Can I get a cup of tea, please, love?

0:41:520:41:54

Thank you for coming.

0:41:590:42:00

How's your neck?

0:42:050:42:07

Fine.

0:42:070:42:09

-How are you?

-Um...

0:42:090:42:11

God knows. I'm all over the place.

0:42:120:42:14

Are you still of the opinion...that that's the truth, what you told me?

0:42:150:42:21

I don't think anybody knew...

0:42:210:42:24

..what I was going through with him.

0:42:250:42:27

And I had a little kid to look after, as well.

0:42:290:42:31

If I hadn't...

0:42:330:42:35

..done it to him, he'd have done it to me one day.

0:42:360:42:39

One day it would've happened.

0:42:390:42:41

You know.

0:42:410:42:42

You know what he was like.

0:42:420:42:44

But maybe you don't know the extent of it.

0:42:470:42:50

Maybe you can imagine without me...

0:42:540:42:56

spelling it out.

0:42:560:42:58

Are you all right?

0:43:020:43:04

Sad.

0:43:040:43:06

I'm just sad.

0:43:110:43:13

Sad for him.

0:43:130:43:15

Sad for me.

0:43:150:43:17

So, what are we going to do?

0:43:200:43:22

Are you going to report me? Do you want me to hand myself in?

0:43:230:43:26

It wouldn't bring him back, would it?

0:43:260:43:29

But maybe there's only me would want him back.

0:43:300:43:33

I don't know.

0:43:340:43:36

I do know what he was like, that side of him.

0:43:370:43:40

I should have married you.

0:43:400:43:43

-Years ago.

-Yeah.

-But not him.

0:43:430:43:46

Yeah, but you didn't.

0:43:470:43:49

You were obsessed with him.

0:43:500:43:52

Yeah. Fucking idiot.

0:43:520:43:53

I'm sorry...

0:43:540:43:55

I think you're right, though. I don't, erm...

0:43:580:44:00

I can't stay there. Not now.

0:44:020:44:04

I think that would be, erm...

0:44:060:44:08

-Have you told anyone else?

-No. No, I...

0:44:100:44:13

My dad really didn't know. The worst thing he knew was that I didn't...

0:44:140:44:18

call for an ambulance as soon as I should have done.

0:44:180:44:21

And that did his head in.

0:44:220:44:24

I'm not going to do owt rash, but I had an offer on the house.

0:44:260:44:30

Remember?

0:44:300:44:32

Months ago. A cheeky offer, way below the asking price.

0:44:320:44:36

They said if I changed my mind, then...

0:44:360:44:39

So if they're still offering...

0:44:390:44:41

I might take it.

0:44:410:44:43

Then I think I might travel.

0:44:440:44:47

I've always fancied Canada.

0:44:470:44:49

You mean, like...permanently?

0:44:490:44:52

Maybe.

0:44:550:44:56

Right.

0:44:560:44:58

So we're not going to the police station?

0:45:000:45:03

No.

0:45:050:45:06

Excuse me. Thank you.

0:45:170:45:19

Hello...darling!

0:45:200:45:23

Are you pi...

0:45:240:45:25

(Pixelated?)

0:45:250:45:27

I may have had the odd sherbet or two, just to...

0:45:270:45:31

steady the old nerves.

0:45:310:45:33

It's packed!

0:45:330:45:35

Gillian isn't here, and Olga hasn't turned up,

0:45:350:45:37

but everybody else is here and they're all excited!

0:45:370:45:40

-He's pickled!

-I love you, Alan.

0:45:400:45:43

I knew this would happen, or something like it.

0:45:430:45:45

This is, lest we forget, the fella that capsized a 75ft narrow boat

0:45:450:45:49

and damaged a small enclave of West Yorkshire!

0:45:490:45:52

-That's cheap, bringing that up.

-How much have you had?

0:45:520:45:57

Don't worry, it's method.

0:45:570:45:59

I've, erm, decided the good doctor is indeed an alcoholic.

0:45:590:46:05

-But he isn't! It's not in the script!

-You're joking!

0:46:050:46:08

They knocked back dry martinis for breakfast, this lot!

0:46:080:46:10

-Have you not read...

-BELL RINGS

0:46:100:46:12

Has she not read...

0:46:120:46:14

We're on!

0:46:140:46:16

-We're on, everyone!

-Get off me hat!

0:46:160:46:19

HARRY MUTTERS

0:46:210:46:22

-That's right, Edith.

-Yes, ma'am.

0:46:360:46:39

Now, you'd better fetch me the ice bucket.

0:46:390:46:41

-Shh!

-Did you get my white wine? I wanted a white wine.

0:46:410:46:45

Edith, as you're not in the Navy,

0:46:450:46:47

it is unnecessary to do everything at the double.

0:46:470:46:51

LAUGHTER

0:46:510:46:52

Olga?

0:47:060:47:07

-Yeah?

-Gillian. I'm, erm, a friend of Caroline.

0:47:070:47:11

-Oh.

-Her mum married my dad.

0:47:110:47:14

Ah, sweet! Are we late?

0:47:140:47:17

Sorry, ladies, the curtain's just gone up.

0:47:190:47:23

I can sneak you in if you don't mind waiting for a lull.

0:47:230:47:25

-Take your time.

-Yeah, whenever.

0:47:250:47:27

-<

-With your help, my love, I have risen above...

0:47:270:47:30

-I hate am-dram.

-Me too.

-I'm only here cos... Well, you know.

0:47:300:47:35

Yeah. Yeah.

0:47:350:47:38

Hey, fancy a drink?

0:47:380:47:40

-Oh...come...

-Susan!

-Oh, my love!

0:47:480:47:51

Oh, ignore him, Susan.

0:47:510:47:53

-Do your best, love.

-Just refer to the script.

0:47:530:47:55

Everybody knows you've stepped in at the last minute.

0:47:550:47:58

-Nobody will think anything of it.

-I'm word perfect.

0:47:580:48:00

THEY ALL GASP

0:48:020:48:04

Jesus!

0:48:040:48:06

-Oh, dear!

-Oh, no!

-Let's have a look.

0:48:060:48:08

Susan's a midwife!

0:48:080:48:09

OK, Harry, listen to me. Listen to me, love. You're not going on stage.

0:48:090:48:13

Ring 999. He's broken something.

0:48:130:48:16

It's all right, you're all right. You're going to be absolutely fine.

0:48:160:48:19

I just need you to stay still. That's right, you squeeze my hand.

0:48:190:48:24

-Ohhh!

-That's it.

-What is it?

0:48:240:48:25

We've got a compound fracture.

0:48:250:48:27

-Oh... You'll have to go on, Alan.

-Eh? Eh?

-He can't!

0:48:270:48:32

-You'll have to talk to them.

-Look, Alan will go on, with Susan.

-Really?

0:48:320:48:37

We'll stay here with Nitwit until the ambulance arrives.

0:48:370:48:40

-Look, I... I... I...!

-Harry, where's your script?

-Oh, it's, erm...

0:48:400:48:44

Can you see it?

0:48:440:48:45

Alan, just read the lines. Just... Honestly, Alan, you'll be wonderful!

0:48:450:48:52

I... I... You've got to stop the show now. Surely. Surely...

0:48:520:48:57

Are you a man or a mouse?

0:48:570:48:59

Go on, get up on the stage, be the mouse that roared.

0:48:590:49:02

Cry havoc! For England and...Boy George... What's that quotation?

0:49:020:49:06

Come on, Susan.

0:49:060:49:08

She's probably on one knee in a pre-sprinting position,

0:49:080:49:12

waiting for Cook to open the kitchen door.

0:49:120:49:15

LAUGHTER

0:49:150:49:16

-Steady, Edith!

-Yes, sir.

0:49:160:49:19

Dr and Mrs Bradman.

0:49:190:49:22

We're not late, are we?

0:49:270:49:29

I-I only got back from hospital half an hour ago.

0:49:320:49:36

No, no, of course not!

0:49:360:49:39

Madame Arcati hasn't arrived yet.

0:49:390:49:41

That must have been her we passed coming down the hill.

0:49:410:49:44

-I said I thought it was.

-Then she won't be long.

0:49:440:49:47

-I'm so glad you were able to come.

-We've been looking forward to it.

0:49:470:49:51

I'm really quite excited.

0:49:510:49:53

Oh...

0:49:560:49:58

Erm...

0:49:580:49:59

I guarantee...Violet will be good.

0:49:590:50:03

-I made her promise.

-There wasn't any need! I'm absolutely thrilled!

0:50:050:50:10

I've only seen Madame Arcati two or three times in the village.

0:50:100:50:13

I mean, I've never seen her do anything peculiar at all,

0:50:130:50:16

if you know what I mean!

0:50:160:50:18

Dry martini?

0:50:180:50:20

POSH VOICE: By all means! LAUGHTER

0:50:200:50:23

I'm all for it.

0:50:230:50:26

I mean, I assume she's very good at what she does.

0:50:260:50:29

And why should all the private schools

0:50:300:50:33

get all the superstar head teachers?

0:50:330:50:35

It weren't just me, you know? I mean, it wasn't just what I said.

0:50:350:50:40

In fact, it probably wasn't me at all. There was this lad.

0:50:400:50:43

-What lad?

-Wyatt.

0:50:450:50:47

-A lad she visits in the Young Offenders'.

-Who?

0:50:470:50:51

He's the boy that was driving the car when Kate got killed.

0:50:510:50:55

He wrote to her saying he was sorry and would she visit him.

0:50:550:50:59

So she did. Has she not told you this?

0:50:590:51:02

-No.

-He's 16.

0:51:040:51:07

He was terrified of her first time, he was shaking.

0:51:070:51:10

But he was desperate to say sorry to her. To her face. And it shook her.

0:51:100:51:16

Made her remember there are other reasons for being in teaching,

0:51:170:51:21

besides helping rich kids with sharp-elbowed parents

0:51:210:51:24

get into Oxbridge.

0:51:240:51:26

-I didn't know that.

-Mm.

0:51:280:51:30

You should remind her.

0:51:320:51:33

About that.

0:51:330:51:35

She's thinking she's made a massive mistake coming here.

0:51:360:51:40

SIREN WAILS

0:51:400:51:42

-Ohh!

-Try not to make a noise.

-Who is it?

-This way.

0:51:520:51:57

Ooh, Daphne, don't do that, dear. You're hurting me!

0:52:020:52:07

Oh, Daphne, dear, please!

0:52:070:52:09

Ooh! Ooh!

0:52:100:52:12

Ooh! No.

0:52:120:52:15

Be good, there's a dear child.

0:52:150:52:17

LAUGHTER

0:52:170:52:19

You say there is someone there who wishes to speak to someone here?

0:52:190:52:24

SINGLE KNOCK

0:52:240:52:26

Is it I?

0:52:260:52:27

TWO KNOCKS

0:52:270:52:29

Is it Dr Bradman?

0:52:290:52:32

TWO KNOCKS

0:52:320:52:34

Is it Mrs Condomine?

0:52:340:52:36

CONTINUOUS KNOCKING

0:52:360:52:38

Oh, stop it! Stop it! Stop!

0:52:380:52:41

She's actually quite good.

0:52:410:52:44

Ohhh...

0:52:440:52:46

-Oh, steady on!

-Harry?

0:52:460:52:49

-What happened?

-Oh...

-Shouldn't you be on stage?

0:52:490:52:52

-Your dad's doing it. Oh, careful!

-Come on.

-Oh!

0:52:520:52:56

Oh...

0:52:560:52:57

Oh! What are you doing?!

0:53:030:53:05

Sorry, we have to go in now.

0:53:050:53:07

Sorry.

0:53:070:53:09

CHEERING

0:53:090:53:11

WHISTLING

0:53:110:53:13

Well done!

0:53:230:53:25

Yeah!

0:53:250:53:26

Aw! So sweet, old people!

0:53:280:53:31

Yay!

0:53:310:53:33

-Whoo!

-Don't!

0:53:330:53:35

Gillian said you're worried you're making a mistake being here,

0:53:350:53:38

with the school.

0:53:380:53:40

You haven't. You're going to make a massive difference.

0:53:400:53:44

You are going to be brilliant.

0:53:440:53:47

CHILDREN CHATTER

0:54:180:54:21

Good morning.

0:54:320:54:34

-Morning.

-Good morning. How are you?

0:54:390:54:42

Morning.

0:54:470:54:49

-BELL RINGS

-Good morning.

0:54:560:54:58

-Morning!

-Good morning!

0:54:580:54:59

Good morning! Has everyone had a good holiday?

0:55:070:55:10

Well rested? Delighted to be back, all raring to go?

0:55:100:55:14

-Do you want a doughnut?

-Maybe later. Who's done this?

0:55:150:55:18

-Maintenance.

-Can you ask maintenance to come back with a spirit level?

0:55:180:55:22

-He won't like that.

-Shall we risk it?

0:55:220:55:25

Who do you fancy next? King Lear?

0:55:270:55:31

-No!

-Eh, I could do Lady Bracknell.

0:55:310:55:34

Properly this time.

0:55:340:55:36

"A handbag!"

0:55:360:55:37

Is she in King Lear?

0:55:370:55:39

Yeah, she's one of the Ugly Sisters.

0:55:390:55:41

Oh! Very good.

0:55:410:55:43

Her and Gonorrhoea.

0:55:430:55:45

No wonder he didn't like 'em, wi' names like that!

0:55:450:55:48

SHE CHUCKLES

0:55:480:55:49

-Well, he chose 'em, presumably.

-Aye!

0:55:490:55:52

Him and Mrs Lear.

0:55:520:55:55

He'd be hard work, wouldn't he? Miserable old sod.

0:55:550:55:58

No wonder they were buggers to him. What about a musical?

0:55:580:56:01

A musical King Lear?

0:56:010:56:04

No! That would be dozy.

0:56:040:56:06

Come on, what's a really good play

0:56:060:56:08

for two mature individuals such as ourselves?

0:56:080:56:11

I don't know! I don't know owt about drama.

0:56:110:56:14

I don't know how we've gotten ourselves into this fine mess

0:56:140:56:18

-in the first place.

-I think we must turn to the Bard.

0:56:180:56:21

-Must we?

-Mm, whether we like it or not.

0:56:210:56:25

-Antony And Cleopatra!

-Really? Which one are you going to play?

0:56:270:56:31

"I'll spurn thine eyes, like balls before me."

0:56:310:56:34

Oh! OK. Good luck with that one.

0:56:340:56:37

No! Where's your joie de vivre?

0:56:370:56:41

Well, I suppose you were the Queen of Sheba when we got wed.

0:56:410:56:45

-You might as well be Cleopatra as well.

-Yeah.

0:56:450:56:49

And you're going to be my Mark Antony, Alan Buttershaw.

0:56:500:56:55

-You think?

-Mm, yeah.

0:56:550:56:57

Your legs can bestride the ocean.

0:56:570:57:00

HE CHORTLES

0:57:000:57:01

And I don't want to hear any excuses about arthritis.

0:57:010:57:05

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