Episode 5 Lip Service

(PHONE RINGS)

Hey. Just wondering if you're still on for our run.

I'm just on the bridge. Er...

Look, about the other night. We can get back from it, can't we?

You know what? I'm hanging up. You're probably already on your way.

Cool. Bye.

Whoa! I thought you melted in daylight.

Lauren's been away on business. She's back today.

-Oh, cue rampant sex fest.

-You've got the make-up artist.

I didn't sleep with her, thank you very much.

Oh, yeah. How is the old bacterial hydritis?

And, um, look. She's all over my wall.

-So, when do we get to meet the sugar mama?

-You don't.

If you come to see me at work, you'll get to meet her wife.

-She's with someone?

-Yeah.

I don't...

I don't reckon I could be in a love triangle.

Be always, like, wondering what was going on in the other corners.

Yeah, well, I'm not. Lauren's really into me, so...

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

I'll get it.

Sam! Hey.

-Long time no see.

-Lexy's not in?

-No, um...

-Good.

So, do you want a tea, coffee?

-How have you been?

-I know about Cat and Frankie.

You knew too, didn't you? That's why you've been avoiding me.

How long?

Don't look at her. Look at me.

-So, when did it start?

-Honestly, I don't know.

I don't reckon it ever really stopped.

-You know what those two were like.

-Are you alright with that?

Didn't have much of a choice, did I?

Look, honestly, I only found out the day Cat died.

I've been feeling so guilty.

-Grow up, Tess!

-What was she supposed to do?

Make an announcement at the funeral?

You should have been straight with me.

Oh, yeah, 'cause that would have made losing Cat a lot easier.

It would've made me feel less of a foolish idiot!

LEXY: Um, what's happening?

-She knew about Cat and Frankie.

-Alright, but back off.

-You think this is OK, do you?

-No, no. I think it's shit.

But it's got nothing to do with Tess.

Did you know too?

-Do you know what? Don't answer that.

-Sam.

Hey, Sam! Sam, wait!

Do you think she's going to be OK?

Look, I feel sorry for her and everything,

but there's only two people to blame for this mess

and, well, neither of them are here anymore, so...

-I should go after her.

-No, no, Tess. Just leave it.

-She needs to cool down.

-Yeah, but I've...

-No, Tess.

Really, just...just leave it.

I'm going to go and get ready.

Lexy saves the day.

-You'll be even more of a hero now.

-What?

Oh, come on.

She's like a little puppy around you.

No, she's not.

Trust me, one of these mornings,

you'll wake up and she'll be there, licking your face.

Or something a bit further down.

-Still voicemail.

-Leave a message.

No. She needs some space.

Sorry for dragging you into all this.

-I know how close friends you are.

-It's cool. We'll be fine.

Oh, no.

Don't look, don't look.

-Hey.

-Tess. How are you feeling?

Oh, I think, um...

..I think I've managed to shake it off.

This is great. Call off the understudy.

So, when are you going to see Meg again?

Oh, um, I think...

..I think I need to focus on the play.

If there's one thing the years in this business we call show

has taught me, is that there's nothing - NOTHING -

improves a performance more than great sex.

I'll get the coffees.

Oh, no. You sit down. Save your strength for later.

Is there even such a thing as bacterial hydritis?

Well, if there isn't, there should be.

It's really good for getting rid of unwanted houseguests.

Sorry. Um, yeah. I'm going to go and pay.

Um, can you just not mention Meg?

Just...it makes me look like a loser.

Why? She's really fit.

It was a blind date gone bad. End of.

I've got to go. Oh, I got your invite.

Oh, yeah. Book launch to sci-fi shop.

Sounds exciting.

But it's for one of my agent's other clients.

-Free booze. It'll be fun.

-So, take Nora.

Yeah, of course.

I just thought maybe you lot might want to come along too.

Yeah, cool. Count me in.

Can't imagine my phone's going to be ringing off the hook with any offers

any time soon.

-When is it?

-Tomorrow night.

Yeah, what - free booze? Why not?

-Do you think Sam will be up for it?

-Um...

-Yeah, I think she's busy.

-What, have you seen her?

You know what? I've totally got to go, but check you tomorrow night.

Cool.

-Is something up?

-No, everything's cool.

-So, the Meg thing.

-Mmm.

-Can you give it another go?

-No!

-No stuffed sharks, then?

-I'm old school.

I prefer the purity of paint on canvas.

Like these. Just arrived this morning.

-They're great.

-Yeah, aren't they?

Monica McCarthy.

We're very lucky to have her.

So, what about your place?

Any masterpieces on the walls, or...?

Bits and bobs. Lauren's more into pop art.

-Artistic differences?

-Not really.

OK, if you're clear on everything, I'll leave you to price these up.

Labels are in the desk drawer.

-Any probs, give me a shout.

-Thanks.

Another day.

Another idiot with a hoover attachment stuck up his arse.

Aww, who peed on your chips?

Remind me next time I fall for someone

that there's no such thing as a perfect woman.

I have heard those ones you inflate are quite low-maintenance.

(LAUGHS)

You're a little puddle of sanity in the ocean of dysfunction

that is my life right now.

That's all part of the service.

I knew you wouldn't be able to keep away.

-How was Berlin?

-I'm here for Jo.

-JO: Hi, sweetie.

-Hey.

-I'll grab my coat.

-OK.

Are you ignoring me?

No more than I would any random receptionist.

Come on.

It's the first decent job I've had in ages.

I'm not going to blow it by telling the boss I'm fucking her wife.

Fucked.

I think you'll find that's the past tense.

What are you doing later?

-I'll just get on, then.

-Yeah.

All set? Let's go.

So, how did it go this morning, then?

Yeah, alright, thanks.

I don't even know Cat and it's my calls being ignored.

How am I to blame?

'Cause you knocked Sam back the other night.

-I don't want to be a rebound fuck.

-Hey, a fuck's a fuck's a fuck.

At your age, you've got to get it where you can.

-Thanks, but I'm not short of offers.

-Hey, Bea doesn't count.

-Apparently, my flatmate fancies me.

-Oh. Is she hot?

I don't know. Never thought about it.

Yeah, I guess she is.

Shit. I really liked Sam.

Correction - you wanted to save her. You're better off out of it.

Hot tamale. Two o'clock.

Apparently, he's a part-time fireman.

-You're so fickle.

-Au contraire.

I'm just keeping my hand in till Sex-ray takes the bait.

I've sent him some very complicated case notes

that are going to need urgent discussion.

Come to me, my precious! Come to me.

(PHONE BEEPS)

Shit.

Right, let's get you to X-ray.

I can't believe I'm going to be getting a proper costume.

Like, one that isn't made of foam-rubber

and doesn't have eyeholes.

-OK, hon. That's you for five minutes. OK?

-Thanks.

Let's hope Lexy likes a bodice.

Yeah, assuming she's not too busy fuck buddy-ing to come see the show.

I can't believe I let her meet Meg.

Like, what if she thinks that that's the type of women I go for?

-It's a disaster.

-NORA: Sorry!

-Sorry. Just got you some lunch.

-Oh, thanks.

-How much do I owe you?

-Don't be silly. It's on the house.

Do you think she's trying to fatten me up?

Ham, no mayo.

Oh, my God. She genuinely bought me lunch.

I so owe Ed!

Love comforteth like sunshine after rain.

What...Sharon?

Gagging for me.

-How do you know?

-Look at the call sheet.

She's got me down for six costume fittings.

That's brilliant! She's lovely.

Spectacular jugs.

Oh, my God. You're moving on from Maggie.

This is going to be so good for you.

-And Ronald. Does Sharon like dogs?

-Who cares!

Yes!

They'll be with you shortly.

-Wait! I've been looking for you.

-What do you want?

-This is between us.

-I don't know you.

But I know you.

Your name is Lexy Price and you've been working here for 18 months.

It's you, isn't it?

Stay away from my wife.

I don't know what you're talking about.

This jog your memory?

What? This is mine.

-Where did you get this?

-You gave it to her.

-Bea?

-Stay away from her!

Just...stay away.

Daddy!

It's OK.

Daddy was just having a chat with one of Mummy's friends.

Let's get home.

Fuck.

What the actual fuck?

-Excuse me, I've got a patient.

-Yeah, and a husband.

We're supposed to be friends. We're supposed to be

-honest with each other.

-How did you...?

Yeah, you know the guy who's been stalking me?

-Yeah, guess who.

-No.

Yeah, the phone calls, letters, following me.

I've been shitting myself for months and it's your fault.

I mean, he was here, with your kid.

-No.

-Yeah, a kid!

I mean, how could you not tell me? What, did it just slip your mind?

Tell me what, 'cause I'm really struggling here.

-I don't know.

-You don't know?

You told me you were in an open relationship.

You told me you were gay.

Please don't be mad.

I can't leave them. Evie's too young.

She's not going to understand.

What? Understand what? That her mum's a lesbian?!

No-one needs to know as long as good old Lexy's on tap

whenever you fancy a change from some cock.

-It's not like that.

-Yeah? It sure as fuck seems like it!

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Uniform picked up Derek Rudden flogging dodgy gear up the town.

We'll get right on it. You set?

Let him stew.

He's a junkie. He'll agree to anything

when he's been without his stash for a couple of hours.

(PHONE RINGS)

Are you going to take that?

Stop calling me.

-Hi. I'm looking for Dr Love.

-You and me both.

-DECLAN: Yeah?

-MAN: Yeah.

-Yeah?

-Oh, yeah.

-Yeah?

-Yeah!

-Yeah?

-Yeah!

Oh, pump my hose!

Oh, ding, ding!

You're not really a fireman, are you?

LAUREN: This is Lauren's mobile.

If I can't take your call, so please leave a message.

-After anything in particular, sir?

-No, thanks. I'm just looking.

It's Scottish work, mainly.

But we have got a few select international pieces.

There's just something about brush marks on canvas, isn't there?

-Sorry, it's not really my bag.

-Me neither.

But we have got a new piece in that's just arrived.

It's much more interesting.

Not for everyone, but for the canny investor.

-Could I...?

-Sure. Absolutely.

I like it.

First Sam and then this. How did my life get so messed up?

-I feel totally used.

-Yeah, me too.

What a total waste of the wank cupboard.

-And I missed Sex-ray.

-Are you even listening to me?

Yeah, totally. I'm just saying.

-Sorry. It's terrible.

-I mean, how could she be with a guy?

Sex tourists - got to love them.

And a kid! How could she not tell me that?

It's huge.

How could you not tell? Wasn't her fanny like...?

Jeez, Declan. You're a great mate, you know that?

Oh, come on!

Lex!

Sorry to keep you waiting.

I hope you've been kept supplied with everything you need.

Interview with Derek Rudden commencing 1625.

Present - DS Murray and DS Ryder. You're aware of the charges?

For the record, I'm showing the suspect evidence bag 274,

containing cocaine, heroin and amphetamines.

For my own use.

You still dealing for McFadden?

No.

I need out of here. Are you going to charge me or what?

What do you know about the warehouse deal?

You tell us and you can walk.

Don't know what you're talking about.

You're lying.

Prove it.

Don't fucking lie to me!

-Sam! That's enough!

-Piece of shit!

Out!

Get up.

-What the fuck was that?

-I'm sorry. Was I too hard on him?

Only I was under the impression he's a piece of junkie scum

who holds the key to a major drugs bust.

It's not just him, is it?

I mean, you're going off at everyone these days.

Well, if they've got a problem, they can say it to my face.

They can't! Because you've lost it.

I found that CCTV footage of Cat.

You left the disc in the machine.

I sorted it, but what if I'm not there next time you screw up?

You need to take some time off. Go home.

To what?

I'm going back in and you're not coming with me.

Is there a medical condition that makes you unable to take a hint?

Not that I know of, but I did skip a few lectures.

-You OK?

-Me and Bea - we're done.

Oh, I'm sorry.

What happened? Did she meet someone?

Yeah, years ago. Her husband.

-Oh, my God!

-I think it's safe to say I'm feeling pretty stupid right now.

-Why didn't I suss?

-OK, we need pizza.

No, you're right. You know what? I'm going to go to my room.

No, no, you can't be on your own.

You've got to be drinking hot, sweet tea or lager.

Trust me, like, only refined carbohydrates is going to fix this.

-Actually, I'm kind of starving.

-Leave it with me.

Thank you very much for coming and the meeting's up here tonight.

So, just go right up there tonight and I'll see you in a second.

Sadie, you can get off now. Thank you.

Fat chance.

I just...

I can't believe Bea put me in that situation.

I mean, the guy was way out of line, but you should have seen his face.

I don't want someone looking at me like that again. Ever.

She's the one with the husband and the kid. She made her bed.

Yeah, and I lay in it. I'm so dumb.

Mm-mm. You're trusting. That's a good thing.

You know the irony?

Out of everyone I've ever been with, I thought Bea was the most sorted.

Turns out she's right up there with the rest of the users.

And given my back catalogue, that's quite an achievement.

Do you think it's this complicated when you're straight?

Yeah...but the sex is crap.

See? That's why I like you.

Nice place.

Well, you going to invite me in before the neighbours see?

You can't just come here.

Why aren't you taking my calls?

So, what?

I don't text you for a couple of hours and you come round my house?

I'm trying to work here.

-Have you always been like this?

-What?

-Boring.

-It's called being a grown-up.

Fuck that.

What are you doing?

Giving you a reminder of what you're missing

while you're hanging out with the adults.

Please. Sadie, you've got to go.

You've...

-I've got tomorrow afternoon off. Meet me.

-What for?

Lunch, shopping. Whatever people do.

I can't. I've got to work.

Say you've got the dentist.

Fuck! Fuck! Jo.

Down! Down there. There's a loo. Go!

-Meet me tomorrow.

-No!

Go!

Hi!

Hi.

-How did it go?

-Great.

It helped that Sadie flogged a Monica McCarthy.

Can you believe it? On her first day.

She's such a star.

Have we got company?

SADIE: Hi!

Sadie. What are you doing here?

Sorry, I short-changed the till this morning

when I took cash out for coffee.

Didn't want you thinking I was helping myself.

Thanks, Sadie, but there was no need.

-It would have kept until morning.

-No, it couldn't.

I'll show myself out.

-TESS: No issues with sexuality.

-LEXY: Yes.

-Not a control freak.

-Mm-hm.

-Isn't with a bloke.

-(LAUGHS)

Not at war with family.

BOTH: Isn't too close to their family.

Is open to sexual experimentation.

Doesn't listen to Coldplay 24/7.

Not so uncomplicated, they're boring.

Where do you even start to find someone like that?

-I can't stand Coldplay.

-(LAUGHS)

Yeah. No, me neither.

(FRONT DOOR BANGS)

-Alright?

-You're back early.

Tell me about it.

Um...

-So, do you want more beers?

-Oh, yeah.

Actually, do you know what? I think I'm going to hit the hay.

-Oh.

-Cool.

See you, guys.

-Good night?

-Yeah, fine.

Nothing special.

TESS: No, it was just...

It was one of those nights, you know?

Where time just stood still.

Like, one minute, it was 7:30,

the next minute, it was four hours later.

Blackouts suck.

(SARCASTICALLY) Ha-ha. No, we were just talking.

And then, like, right before Sadie came home,

there was this moment where we both just, like, looked at each other.

Oh, but I don't know.

I don't know if she was just being friendly.

Hang on. Ed's making us go to this book launch thing tonight.

Why don't you come along, check out Lexy, look for signs?

Sorry, no can do. I've got a fitting.

-Tonight?

-It's not on the call sheet.

You have so pulled!

-I know. How do I look?

-Hot.

So, the concept is class. Fashion-wise, we're thinking

evening dress, but on a stinky estate, somewhere really scuzzy.

Get back to me when you have got a CLUE what you're talking about!

-Have you got a minute?

-Was I that dull when I was starting out?

I don't know. I didn't know you then.

OK, schedule.

Art meeting at 11:30. Advertising meeting, 12:30.

Then you've got your interview with that design...

Cancel it.

-Which bit?

-All of it.

I've got the dentist.

Sorry. Work's been busy.

Don't worry about it. Cat was the neat freak, not me.

So, what was it you wanted?

I ran into Tess and Lexy yesterday. They mentioned you.

So, I was passing and thought I'd call in.

See how you're getting on.

That's nice. I'm fine. You can go.

We need to look out for each other, Sam.

-It's what Cat would have wanted.

-Oh, please!

She didn't know what she wanted.

You know, go and find Frankie and comfort her.

'Cause she was the one that Cat was fucking the day she died.

-Get a note from your mum, did you?

-I do what I like.

If anyone I know sees us, you're my niece, or something like that. OK?

That's weirdly hot.

-DECLAN: Are you avoiding me?

-Um, this is the ladies.

And I'm the superficial prick.

However, I have been practising my listening face all night.

So, shoot.

You look like a twat.

OK.

But seriously, if you want to talk, about Sam or Bea.

I don't. I'm sorted.

I'm sorry.

Probably shouldn't have gone off at you.

I think this is the bit where I'm supposed to hug you.

-Don't force yourself.

-Come on, friend in need.

Hey. Classy.

Mmm.

And right between Greggs and River Island.

Is nothing proper pervy anymore?

(PANTING AND MOANING)

Oh, my God!

Take it, bitch. Or your arse gets the fairy wand.

I thought things were good between Cat and Sam.

-Why would she go back to Frankie?

-Well, you know, opposites attract.

Look at you and me - beauty and the geek.

Look, I know it's a shock, but Cat was a grown-up.

Just have to assume she knew what she was doing.

Bugger! (GROANS)

Forgot to pick up my dress. Bugger!

It's that little place round the corner from my flat.

Bloody expensive, but I wouldn't trust cashmere with anyone else.

You want me to pick up your dry-cleaning?

Did you have other plans?

-Um, no.

-Great. Perfect, then.

I can't go to the book launch in these old things.

I don't know who's going to be there.

I don't think I'm going to go tonight.

-I can't face it.

-Course you can!

Look, right now,

you can't let anything distract you from your career.

Or me from mine, for that matter.

Look, I really need to be getting back in.

So I will see you at 6:00, yes?

And, you know, chin up.

See you later.

-The poor bastard.

-There's worse jobs.

-You'd know that, would you?

-Maybe I would.

-(SNIGGERS)

-We should go.

Can I get the bill?

This morning, why did you call me?

Because I fancied being fingered in a changing room.

(LAUGHS)

-There you go.

-Thank you.

-My treat.

-You can't afford it.

-Yes, I can.

Thanks.

There's a huge limit on that library card.

After you. Walk, don't run.

-So, what now?

-I don't know.

Let's nick some lip gloss.

-ED: So not in the mood for this.

-Remember, teeth and tits, alright?

Is everything alright between you two?

Yeah, I suppose.

Good, 'cause, you know, I think you two are really awesome together.

I happened to see Sam today. She told me about Cat and Frankie.

-Ed, I'm so sorry. I didn't know what to do.

-That's fine.

I totally get why you didn't tell me.

I just...

I hope she was happy.

-Me too.

-Excuse me?

-Are you Edward MacKenzie?

-Yeah, why?

Your debut novel's coming out soon. Saw your picture on a fan site.

-Really?

-Can I have your autograph?

Um, yeah, yeah. Sure.

To Terry.

I've got some friends just over here who would love to meet you,

if you've got the time.

Sure. Great.

-Ah!

-Live long and prosper.

-I'm so glad you made it.

-Sorry I'm late.

-Oh, no, no, no. You're perfect.

-Declan from work, Tess my flatmate.

-Hi.

-Oh, flatmate? Hi.

I'll, er, get some drinks in.

This is... (GROANS) Klingon on the starboard bow.

-Oh, my God. What do I do?

-Um, just go. I'll handle it.

It's alright.

-Hey, Meg.

-Oh, hi!

-How are we, ladies?

-OK.

-Hey, there, pretty humanoid.

-(LAUGHS)

I brought company.

-And...some cheeky Vulcan.

-Where did you get that?

Standard medical advice/booze deal.

The guy at the bar had a ripper of a cold sore.

Come and look at this.

God, this is ridiculous, though, isn't it?

I mean, one date and now I've got a stalker.

Oh, shit. Sorry. Sorry. I'm such an idiot.

Oh, no, no. It's... You've been fantastic.

And last night was great. Totally took my mind off it.

It was, um...

..great.

Um, listen...

-(PHONE RINGS)

-Oh, sorry.

Um... Oh, it's Hugh. He wants me to meet him outside.

Yeah, no. Go for it.

OK, um... Look, two minutes. Don't move.

Tessie, my one true friend. My comrade in arms.

My shelter in times of...shite.

-Did you drive here?

-Of course.

-I'm on a mission...

-Hugh!

..and I need my second in command.

-Jump in.

-No, I can't. I can't!

I'm on a balcony with Lexy and loads of booze.

Oh, well.

Then, you must go.

I'll just slip off.

Come with me.

-Where?

-Maggie's.

No! No, you're over Maggie. Remember Sharon?

Spectacular jugs? Secret, after-hour costume fittings?

-A corset.

-What?

Under my costume. A fucking corset!

Am I fat? Am I fatter than him?

-No.

-I am! I'm a corpulent slug.

Sorry to interrupt your evening.

That's OK. No. Look, wait. You can't drive.

-You're going to kill somebody.

-Then they'll die in a noble cause.

No, wait. Wait! Just... Can you?

-(SIGHS) How far is the house?

-Extremely close.

(GROANS) OK, OK. I'll drive you there.

But I've got to come straight back, OK?

-Five minutes.

-Yeah.

Ten, tops.

What? I'm out of practice.

-Down!

-Why?

Trust me. It's better this way.

-Side compartment. Quick, quick!

-What?

Wait. Hold on, hold on.

You interrupted my very promising evening

so you could deliver presents to a fucking...fuckering dog?!

It's Ronald's birthday.

Maggie refused to let me see him on the grounds that

she had to accompany that tuxedo full of fuck-all

to the opening of an envelope.

-Two minutes and we're out of here.

-OK, just hurry up.

-They've changed the fucking locks.

-Oh, God! Well...

Look, can you just put the presents through the letterbox?

An Angora sweater knitted by my half-blind mother?

I don't think so. We can get in round the back.

-Come on.

-Hugh!

Arggh.

(PHONE BEEPS)

Wanker!

He's changed this one as well. Is he made of money?

OK, well, look, why don't we just put the presents in the kennel

-and then we can get out of here?

-What kennel?

-That kennel.

It's bespoke.

Yeah, it's amazing.

Why don't you go and put the presents inside?

It's not amazing. It's everything that's wrong with everything.

-Hugh, look, I really need...

-It's not a kennel.

It's a temple to vulgar commercial success.

-It's a doghouse.

-No.

It's the straw.

The last fucking straw.

What are you doing now?

I'm liberating my dog from this shithole of self congratulation.

Dog boots. They'll be next.

He'll be in the park, looking down on all the other mutts

because they haven't had a shampoo and a set and a pedicure.

No dog of mine wears dog boots.

Or has a pedicure.

Or a kennel.

With a fucking veranda!

What are you doing now?

-I'm going in!

-No!

-Police!

-What?

-Hide, hide.

Ow!

Why did you let me come here?

ED: But the stories were fantastic. He is a major influence on my work.

NORA: I was actually in one of his films.

-No, way!

-Yes. Yes, I was.

-What was it like?

-It was amazing.

You would love him. Are you a fan of his work?

Yeah.

-What's your favourite?

-Some of his earlier stuff.

Yeah, he's got previous. An anti-social behaviour order.

What, Hugh? No, I think you've made a mistake.

It's no big deal.

You've got an ASBO?

I posted some sausages through the letterbox.

Big wow.

They were for Ronald.

Oh, God! What have you done?

-He changed the locks.

-Do you see what I'm having to deal with?

Sorry, I was just locking the car. Is everything under control?

Everybody relax. Hamish of Scone is in the building.

POLICEWOMAN: Sorry to interrupt your evening, sir.

-I trust it was a success?

-He won best actor.

-Oh, congratulations!

-Thank you.

Excuse me? I'm here.

God, Hugh. You had your chance. You blew it.

-Now, move over.

-So he can move in?

-He already has.

And I cannot tell you what a relief it is

to live with a man who doesn't throw pizza at the television

every time Colin Firth comes on.

-I had Darcy in the bag!

-Oh, give it up!

A career takes work.

If you had spent even a smidgen of the last 20 years honing your craft,

you might have had a hit film too.

Instead, no, you chose to spend your time rutting with understudies

and doe-eyed deputy stage managers.

A word.

What?

SONG: # Keep quiet

# Keep quiet. #

HUGH: Look at her.

She's perfect.

How many stage managers and understudies, exactly?

-A few.

-Hugh...

I was on tour.

Don't end up like me.

Grab happiness where you can and cling onto it.

Yeah, well, that was the plan.

Right, looks like you're off the hook.

Mr Delaware has persuaded the house owner not to press charges.

-(SARCASTICALLY) Well, whoop-e-doop!

-Shut up. Thank you.

It's no problem.

So, Vanya at the Tron. That's exciting.

-Oh, it's no big deal.

-Hey, don't put yourself down.

-I started my career with a Chekhov.

-Really?

(CLEARS THROAT)

-Yeah, we should go.

-I'll call you a cab.

No need. I've got the car.

Er, no, you don't. Your tax disc has expired.

That's the geeks happy for another night.

They're not geeks. They're my fan base.

Lighten up. Either way, I made their evening.

Home. Work tomorrow.

-Are you going to be OK?

-Yeah. I've pulled.

15 fingers - what's not to like?

Did you see their faces when I said I'd worked with Peter Jackson?

They nearly came in their little pants!

That was a lie, wasn't it? You haven't met him at all.

Oh, who cares? Give them what they want, that's what I say.

I never really got that whole 'Lord of the Flies' thing anyway.

-Gnomes in tights.

-Um, it's 'Lord of the Rings'.

What?

It's 'Lord of the Rings'.

'Lord of the Flies' is a totally different book.

Is it?

ED: It's one of the greatest works of literature of the 20th century.

-It's about fucking elves!

-It's an allegory!

It's a bore and so, my love, are you.

OK, fine.

Looks like we're done here.

But lucky for you, I'm going to give you a second chance.

Tess was right about you.

You're a self-centred bitch.

This was a mistake. We're not meant to be together.

OK, look, fine. I get it. I get it. You're upset about Cat.

Don't. Don't even go there.

Cat would have hated you.

See you around.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYS)

-LAUREN: So, whose boat is this?

-It's a holiday rental.

I used to do a bit of cleaning for the company.

It wasn't a bad job, actually.

If it got boring, then I could just untie those ropes and sail away.

-And did you?

-No.

I could have.

No strings, no commitments. I used to say the same thing.

-So, what changed?

-Who said anything changed?

I wasn't always this flash.

-Get with Jo for her money, did you?

-No.

I made that long, long before I met her.

She never knew me back in the bad, old days.

I guess that means, in a way, she still doesn't.

-Does it bother you?

-What?

That I'm not who you thought I was when we met.

I didn't think anything.

I was too busy staring at your arse, wasn't I?

(BOTH LAUGH)

-This is fun.

-Yeah.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYS)

Yeah. Yeah, right there.

Yeah, there.

There. Yeah, there.

No, don't stop.

Yeah, there.

-There!

-Shhh!

Don't speak. Don't speak.

Not how the evening was supposed to end?

Sorry. How was your night with Lauren?

Yeah, really good.

-Night, babes.

-Night.

Nice place.

Do you live here alone?

There was someone, but she's not here anymore.

You need to go.

-Now?

-Sorry.

What did I do?

You're just wrong.

Fuck's sake.

You're lovely.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd