Donor Moving On

CLOCKS TICK

ALARM SOUNDS

MUSIC: "Baby Love" by The Supremes

Awww. I love you too.

PHONE RINGS

Hiya. How are you?

I feel like Janis Joplin about five minutes before she died.

Actually, make that five minutes after.

He's just getting ready.

No, he doesn't suspect anything.

Yeah, all right, Yeah, I'll see you at half two. Bye.

Who was that?

Some stupid call centre.

What, at this time?

It's probably the middle of the afternoon in Bangalore

or wherever they're calling from.

Right.

HORN TOOTS OUTSIDE

We're only working in town. Do you fancy meeting up for dinner?

D'you mind if I skip it?

Just, I was planning on working right through

and getting my account sorted.

All right, yeah, no worries.

Bye, Bear. See you after.

Morning.

Oh! Morning.

-I'm starving.

-Yeah?

That chippy round the corner's meant to be good.

I said I'd see Christina for dinner today.

Oh, two timing me, is it?

That's right. I'll see you later.

See you in a bit. Do you want me to look after your...?

Oh, yeah. There you go. Cheers.

Hey. What are you doing sitting in the dark?

Just got a bit of a headache, that's all.

Aww.

Poor you.

Suppose a jump's out of the question, then?

You been drinking?

Just the one after work with Farida.

Good day?

Typical Monday.

It's been dead. Not that I'm complaining.

Hey, where's my lovely girl? Give me a kiss.

Come here. Come to mama.

You all right, mate? You haven't said a word all day.

I think Christina's seeing someone else.

You are messing, aren't ya?

You seriously think she would?

You tell me. You've known her a lot longer than I have.

Has she done anything like this before?

She has, hasn't she?

Yeah, but it was completely different.

Her and Dal had been dead in the water for years. Towards the end they were

-as bad as each other.

-God. I don't believe this.

Mate, she wouldn't do the dirty on you.

So why's she lying to me, then?

Goodnight, love. See you tomorrow.

Just tell me the truth.

About what?

Were you with another fella yesterday?

Yeah.

I was with Mick.

I think we need to go for a pint.

I never meant to lie,

I just didn't want to make a big deal out of it, that's all.

Out of what?

I had a hospital appointment.

You what?

Don't panic, everything's fine.

So why all the secrecy?

Cos I didn't want you to worry.

I mentioned it to Mick in passing and he insisted on coming with me.

Why did you tell him and not me?

Look, it's been over a year since we decided

to throw caution to the winds and...

-since we stopped using anything.

-Yeah.

..and there's still no sign of any storks on the horizon.

I started to convince myself there was something wrong with me,

so I just decided to get checked out.

I'm going to be 41 next month.

I haven't got any more time to lose.

So what did they say?

Said they couldn't see any reason I shouldn't be able to conceive.

Can't believe you thought I was carrying on.

Nah.

Is that really what you think of me?

No, of course I don't. I just wasn't thinking.

Tide's out.

Hey, we'll just have to look on the bright side.

What's that?

SHE LAUGHS

We're just going to have to keep trying.

I'm sorry, Chris. Chris. I'm sorry.

I just can't.

What's wrong?

I just can't believe I let you go through all that worry on your own.

It's fine...

No, it's not. It's not fine!

It's not fine.

I could have told you myself there was nothing wrong with you.

It's me. I'm the one. I can't have kids.

What?

I've got no lead in my pencil.

I'm firing blanks. Whatever cliche you want to use.

How long have you known?

Too long.

What, since before we met?

Yes.

Why didn't you tell me?

I was just too frightened about losing you.

You wouldn't be the first woman who dumped me once they found out.

But you knew.

You knew how much it meant to me.

I just kept convincing myself everything would work out, and,

you know, we could just be happy as we are.

How could you give me false hope like that?

Let me waste two...

..precious years at my time of life?

You just never gave the impression

that it would be the end of the world if it didn't happen.

If I was more than five seconds late

I was legging it down the chemist to get a test.

Chris...

you never told me.

Just because I didn't bang on about it all the time,

that doesn't mean that I wanted it any less.

I'm really sorry, Chris.

I'm sorry.

Sorry for what?

Being infertile or for being a liar?

Oh, well. It's a rollover on Saturday.

I just want to let you know

I really appreciate everything you've done for me.

You were the only one who was there for me when I got laid off.

You were doing me a favour as well.

Come on! I'm not soft.

You could be paying some kid half the amount you give me.

Yeah, but I'm sure you'd do the same for me.

Anyway, I just want to...

HE SIGHS I just want to let you know,

it's probably time you started looking for another labourer.

What?

Look, you were only helping me out cos you're Christina's mate

and now it looks like we're over.

No!

Why?

It can't be that bad, is it?

I just can't give her what she wants.

But he's lied to me.

How could I ever trust him again?

It can't have been easy for him either.

I've already wasted twelve years of my life with Dal

insisting he never wanted kids,

then six months after meeting her she's out here.

You had a lucky escape.

Did I?

Yeah!

She's probably stuck with a screaming baby

while he's out sleeping with all kinds

-behind her back.

-Yeah, well, at least she's got one.

Yeah, but just imagine the nose on it.

There are other options.

You could still adopt,

foster,

have one e-mailed over from Malawi...

It's not the same, though, is it?

I just want my own baby.

Is that really too much to ask?

And what if it never happens?

Would that really be the end of the world?

It's different for women.

It's drummed into you from the moment you're born.

You're given a toy pram and dolls and you practise

changing their nappies, and you just assume...

that you're going to be doing it for real one day.

Then, before you know it, you're 40

and the only sound you can hear

is the ticking of your biological clock.

It's now or never for me.

But at what price?

No bloke's ever treated you as well as Andy. He's your soul mate.

Some people go a whole lifetime without finding theirs.

If I stay with him, I'm accepting that I'm never going to be a mum.

And if you walk away, you risk ending up with nothing.

Come on, Bear.

Bear!

Hello.

I'm sorry.

It's not you who should be apologising.

You're the best thing that's ever happened to me.

But it doesn't change anything.

I still want a baby.

I want us to have a baby.

How do you feel about us looking into sperm donors?

Yeah.

If it's going to make you happy, I'll agree to anything.

Hiyaaaaa!

-You made it!

-The size of you!

Must want my head testing. Come on!

Oh, come in!

-Hi!

-Hello.

Oh, here comes trouble.

Welcome to the mad house.

What can I get you to drink?

Oh! Thought you'd never ask.

We've got Coke, lemonade, fruit juice...

Skip the mixers. Just lead us to the hard stuff.

Sorry, we didn't think to get any booze, with it being a kids' party.

CHRISTINA LAUGHS

I suppose shooting up in the bathroom

is out of the question, then?

Well, it's all out, so help yourselves.

Doesn't seem five minutes since

we were dancing on podiums at all-night raves,

and now look at her.

Would you like anything from my shop?

Go on, then. 20 Marlboro Lights and a bottle of vodka, please.

SHE LAUGHS

Sorry.

He's been really cranky the last few days.

Is he teething? His cheeks do look really red.

Yeah, and he's had really runny poos since Thursday

and it's given him the most hideous nappy rash.

Ah, poor thing. Leila used to get it really badly.

Just makes you feel so awful, doesn't it?

Actually, it turned out she was allergic to the lanolin

-in the cream I was using.

-Really?

Imogen, you'll let me know when you need your inhaler, won't you?

-For the birthday girl.

-Oh, bless you, thanks!

- Hi, are you all right?

-Hey!

-Hello!

-How are you?

-Good. How are you?

-Nice to see you.

You too. Thanks for coming.

-What can I get you?

-Wouldn't say no to a beer.

Non-alcoholic only, I'm afraid. Blame the missus.

Where have you been?

ALL: Hooray!

-And again.

-Big blow.

ALL: Hooray!

Does that mean we can go now?

-Grace, we're going to have to shoot! So, thank you.

-Well, thanks very much for coming.

Not at all. She's gorgeous. Take care.

-Bye, everybody!

-See you, mate.

SHE MOUTHS

That's what I like about kids' parties. Leaving.

-Cheers.

-Cheers.

Cheers.

Oh look, it's you in 20 years' time.

CHRISTINA LAUGHS

I'm going for a cig. Anyone?

I'll come with you, mate.

Yeah, go for it.

You two manage to sort everything out, then?

Mm-hm.

Yeah, I've finally resigned myself to being

barren for the rest of my life.

Don't take this the wrong way, but there's part of me that's glad.

Everyone I know has had kids

these days, and once they do,

you never see them again.

It's like they've died.

I couldn't handle losing you as well.

And next up, we've got Mary.

We even talked about looking into anonymous donors.

But I went online and it just looks really complicated. And expensive!

Can be anything up to five grand.

Five grand for a sperm donor?

You wanna get yourself down the Grafton,

it's only a fiver before 11 and you get your first drink free.

What, grab-a-granny night?

Hey, what's up?

I am gonna end up like her, aren't I?

Oh, I was just joking...

No, but it's true.

I could see all the other mums looking at me before,

feeling sorry for me. They were pitying me.

Come on, you're just being paranoid now.

I'm not. They take one look at me

and all they see is a great big lush.

I'd make a lovely mum, you know?

I know you would. Come here.

Why can't I have little birthday parties with...

face painting and bouncy castles?

Don't you think you're a bit old for all that now?

And anyway, I can think of worse ways of ending up.

She looks like she's having a ball to me.

Come on, let's get another drink, eh?

-Want another?

-We were saying, fancy going somewhere else?

Where shall we go?

Town?

Oh, I know. How about the Mazzy?

Let's go to the Mazzy.

Yeah! I haven't been the Mazzy for years!

Come on, then.

You all right?

Oh, look who it is!

Haven't you shot up?

Last time I saw her she was running round the canals of Venice

scaring the life out of everyone.

-Eh, it's not that kind of place.

-Same again?

Why not? Long time dead.

Four pints of lager, please, love.

Hey!

Do you ever wish you could have kids?

Not really.

What's the point in dwelling on what you can't have?

But you'd make a great dad.

I think I'd be quite strict, though.

Any cheek and they'd be straight in the cupboard under the stairs.

How else are they supposed to learn?

It's weird to think I'll be the end of the line, though.

How do you mean?

Well, my dad's got no brothers and I'm his only son

so the family name dies with me.

Just think, all those generations fighting for survival

since the beginning of time.

Overcoming endless wars and famines,

and it all ends outside the Mazzy.

SHE LAUGHS

Aww.

MUSIC: "Push the Button" by Sugababes

You know, before I met Christina

I wouldn't have been seen dead in a place like this.

No, I'm serious.

That's why I love her so much.

She's opened my eyes.

Made me a better person.

I wouldn't go that far(!)

I hate to admit it,

but I used to be really homophobic.

I wouldn't worry about it. So was I.

I spent years in denial,

going from one girl to the next, convincing myself

if I slept with enough of them it'd make me straight.

So what made you come out?

When one girl I was seeing

told me she was pregnant. I realised I had two choices.

I could pretend to be happy

and spend the rest of my life living a lie

or come clean.

Did she, did she keep it?

-No.

-Guess what?

-What?

It's only half three in the afternoon!

Who's got the poppers?

My head hurts.

HE GROANS

SHE SHRIEKS

THEY LAUGH

You know, Mick's family tree comes to an end with him?

How do you mean?

Well, he hasn't got any brothers, nor has his dad.

So if he doesn't have kids, that's it.

Oh, right.

He was being all blase about it, but I reckon

he'd really like kids of his own, deep down.

And you've seen what he's like with kids, they all adore him.

When you think about all those divvies passing on their

genes without a second thought

and someone as lovely as him never will.

It just seems like such a waste...

No way!

What? I haven't said anything.

You don't have to say anything.

Why not?

He's funny, kind, generous, sensitive,

and can you imagine how stunning his kids would be?

Why him?

Why not, you know, Frank,

or anyone else for that matter?

Well, because it's hardly the kind of thing

you just ask anyone, is it?

And don't get me wrong, I love Frank,

but we haven't got that history.

I've known Mick over 20 years, I'm practically one of the family.

-I'd trust him with my life.

-Doesn't mean I have to trust him with you.

What?

Oh, come on!

You can't expect me to give you permission

to jump into bed with some other bloke.

Hello!

What?

He's gay!

Didn't seem to stop Frank.

Oh come on, that was years ago.

Besides, Mick's totally different.

He's never been near a woman.

He'd have a heart attack!

Yeah, well there's always a first time.

What if he discovers he likes it?

Sorry, is that the reason you don't sleep with men?

In case you discover that you like it?

And did you really think I was

suggesting sleeping with him?

That'd be like incest.

Oh, yeah. No, I wasn't thinking.

What's the harm in just asking?

Mmm.

Not in front of him!

We've got a bit of a confession to make.

We had a bit of an ulterior motive inviting you over

-for dinner tonight.

-I hope you're not going to suggest

we throw our car keys in the fruit bowl, are you?

Actually, it's funny you should say that...

THEY LAUGH

No, I was just telling Andy what you said to me last week.

About being the end of your family tree.

And...

anyway, it got us thinking...

You both know the problems we've been having

and...

how much we want a baby.

Yeah....?

And...

Well, we discussed it, and...

we think you'd make the perfect donor.

What do you reckon?

Half me,

half you,

what could possibly go wrong?

Is this a wind-up?

Look, we know

it's a massive thing to ask,

and we don't expect you

to make up your mind right away.

I really don't know what to say.

You don't have to say anything,

just...

pop yourself off to the bathroom with a sterilised jam jar.

No, I mean,

look, we would take, erm, we agreed, didn't we,

we'd take complete responsibility for everything.

We wouldn't expect anything from you, financially or...

anything...else.

But obviously, you could be involved...

you know, as much as you wanted.

Yeah, if you want.

Well, if he knocks you back, book us a room at the Adelphi

and I'll sort you out.

Why do you think we asked him?

Oh!

We know all about you and your reputation.

Thank you very much!

Well, you know. Absolutely no pressure.

But you are our final hope.

SHE LAUGHS

What do you make of all that, then?

You know what she's like, it'll all be forgotten once

she sobers up in the morning.

I don't know, she seemed pretty serious. They both did.

Well, he didn't say no.

She can't even look after that poor dog half the time.

How often has it been left to do its business in the flat

while she's been out on some bender?

This'd be exactly the same. They'd be out every weekend

while we'd be stuck at home looking after some whinging baby.

I'd be flattered if I was you.

I am, but...

-She's your best mate. You know what this means to her.

-What?

-You think I should say yes?

-Why not?

Where do you want me to start?

How am I supposed to feel

once it's born?

Does everyone just expect me

to turn my back and walk away?

You'd still see it.

You could still be part of its life.

Oh, lucky me(!)

Anywhere here, please.

You seem to think it's all so straightforward,

maybe you should volunteer.

I would if she asked me.

Yeah, well, obviously some of us

find it easier to get rid of their babies.

-What was that about?

-Forget about it.

No, come on, if you've got something to say, say it.

It's a pity you weren't so keen on

the idea of fatherhood when you had your chance.

If you think having kids is such a fantastic idea,

why not just go off and do it the way nature intended?

Find yourself a nice girl and settle down.

Because I'm not straight!

Yeah, well you did a pretty convincing impression in the past.

Yeah, and that's what it was.

An impression.

It's not about who you sleep with,

it's about who you fall in love with that matters.

I'm sorry. This has totally done my head in.

Why?

Because I'm gay. I accepted a long time ago that I'd never be a dad.

I never even thought it was an option.

Well, now it is.

What's stopping you having the best of both worlds?

Whatever happens...

I'm sure it'll be for the best.

You know that, don't you?

So long as we can grow old together,

that's all that matters to me.

PHONE RINGS

Come on, Bear!

I'm sorry.

I couldn't be more flattered that you'd even think to ask me.

I'd do anything for you, I'd even donate a kidney if I had to.

But this is something else altogether.

You do understand, don't you?

All I want is some bodily fluids,

are you really going to begrudge me that?

Look, it's not that. It's what follows that worries me.

We're not talking about a car share here, this is a human life.

I couldn't handle knowing my kid was being brought up

by another man on the other side of town.

We could always move closer.

There are plenty of gay men out there

who'd give their right arms to become dads.

But I'm not one of them.

You could always put a sign up at the Mazzy.

Hey! TEENAGERS LAUGH

They might start off as cute little babies,

but they soon turn into them.

Could you really handle dealing with a stroppy teenager

when you're approaching 60? I know I couldn't.

If I was to become a dad, I'd want to do it properly,

I'd want to be there 24/7.

I'd want to hear its first words, witness its first smile...

Well, there aren't going to be

any smiles now, are there?

Ah, don't be like that.

I don't want us to fall out.

I just have to go with my instinct on this.

You don't hate me, do you?

No, no, I don't.

Oh, come here.

Who knows, maybe I've even done you a favour in the long term.

Well, it's hard enough being a mum when you're young.

Oh!

Cheers for that(!)

Maybe it's time to accept that you might've missed that boat.

Start focusing on the positives instead.

Such as?

You're the life and soul of the party,

you can drink anyone under the table,

you're always the last to go to bed.

I can think of plenty of people who'd kill to be in your shoes.

You've got your freedom,

you can go out whenever you like,

you can lie in at weekends,

couple of holidays a year.

Do you really want to trade all that in for sleepless nights,

all your money spent on nappies, CBeebies all day every day,

baby puke down your beautiful cape...?

All right, all right.

The grass isn't always greener, you know.

Anyway, you've got Bear, you've got us,

and you've got a man who worships the ground you walk on.

It doesn't get much better than that.

Open your eyes, you've got a really fantastic life.

Come on, Bear.

He's absolutely gorgeous.

But you can have him back now.

CHILD CRIES OFF SCREEN

Oh, Matthew, I thought you said she was asleep.

It's the voices. She'll settle down in a minute.

That's not the point. She's upset.

Leila? Settle down now, sweetheart, go to sleep.

-We should probably go.

-We should head home.

-Yeah.

-Thanks for all the presents.

-You're so welcome!

Matthew, could you see to your daughter, please?

We'll see ourselves out.

-See you.

-Mate, you're welcome.

See you later.

See you soon.

Nice to see you again.

Off anywhere nice?

We'll probably head off to the pub. Wet the baby's head.

-Have one for us.

-Certainly will.

BABIES CRY

ALL: Cheers!

Next up, we've got Christina.

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

SONG: "Little Ole Wine Drinker Me"

# I'm praying for rain in California

# So the grapes can grow and they can make more wine

# And I'm sitting in a honky in Chicago

# With a broken heart and a woman on my mind

# I'll ask the man behind the bar

# For the jukebox... #

MUSIC FADES OUT

# ..takes me back to Tennessee

# And when they ask who's that fool in the corner

# Crying

# I'll say, little ole wine drinker me. #

SHE LAUGHS

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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