The Big Bang Murder


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This programme contains strong language

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and contains some scenes which some viewers may find disturbing

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NO SOUND

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The murderers' names.

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He didn't mention the murderers' names.

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Do you have trouble mentioning the names?

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-RADIO:

-'Well, I think this track may well get you fully in the mood.

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'This is the new one from Kylie. Been playing it for you all week,

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'it's called In Your Eyes, from her album Fever.

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'# What on earth am I meant to do?

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'# In this crowded place there is only you

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'# Was gonna leave now I have to stay

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'# You have taken my breath away

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'# Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh-ooh

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'# Is the world still spinning round?

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'# Spinning round

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'# Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh-ooh

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'# I don't feel like coming down... #'

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The Harris brothers.

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Clyde Harris,

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Whitmore Harris,

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and Curtis Kodro.

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"Do you think you'd feel different

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"if you knew which one of them did it?"

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It made sense, not telling them which one of us it was.

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Whitmore knew what he was doing,

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it made sense then, you know what I mean?

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We could scrabble around, dog eating dog,

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or we could have some dignity,

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keep our mouths shut, and face the music.

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A life sentence is a long time to keep your mouth shut

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for the sake of Curtis Kodro.

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Curtis Kodro was never MY brother,

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whatever Whitmore said.

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He weren't just trying to save himself.

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He made sense then.

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So, we said nothing.

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We killed a man.

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And how about the gravity of that?

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-BRIAN COX:

-'Tonight, thanks to NASA's Cassini spacecraft,

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'we hope to witness the birth of a new moon in the rings of Saturn.

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'Inconceivably wide, but barely ten metres thick

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'and silent as the grave.

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'Saturn's rings are made of the tiny, dust-sized, icy particles

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'and rocks as big as mountains.

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'Visible from Earth with a telescope,

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'they were first observed by Galileo...'

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"Psych" they call her in here.

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Psycho, Psych.

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"What is it that makes you so angry about it after all this time?"

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I said, "If you can't see that by now

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"then what are they paying you for?"

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She says, "In your own words, I mean."

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In my own words, those three killed my dad when they had no need to.

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There was three of them and one of him.

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They had guns and Tasers and baseball bats and what did he have?

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He had a mobile phone and a tone of authority.

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Not only that, not only did they take a man's life

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when they didn't need to, my dad's life,

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they never said which one of them did it.

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What sort of a court is that that doesn't nail a killer for murder?

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The three of them sitting in the dock, right through the whole trial,

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never budge from there, never open their mouths, not one of them.

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Never even had the guts to look at me the day I went.

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A seven-year-old kid wanting to know who killed her dad,

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thinking the judge and the lawyers would sort it out

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and find the truth, and those three,

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sitting there, looking anywhere but at me.

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What makes me angry about it?

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The dead guy, PC Prescott.

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Stuart Prescott, give him his name.

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His kid's counsellor's made an official approach

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for all three of us, that's what she says.

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Would we maybe think again about telling the truth?

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Maybe she hasn't met Clyde Harris.

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"The big bang," she said.

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"A tiny moment in time, but everything in your life

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"since has come out of it."

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I said, "I thought it was meant to be my own words."

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"You'll be getting out of here tomorrow," she said.

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"This is the last of our little get-togethers

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"and right outside that gate you'll have a decision to make.

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"Turn left and wait for the 97 bus and it'll take you back into town

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"and you can pick right up where you left off doing all the angry things

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"that put you in here in the first place. Or you can turn right.

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"Do you know what there is that way? The new you."

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She said, "Something funny?"

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I said, "Your ears stick out like car doors.

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"I've often wanted to say that."

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She said, "What is it that makes you so angry about it?"

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I said, "About your ears?"

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She said, "About your dad."

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I said, "Do you think they help you hear better?"

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She sent us a picture of her, the daughter,

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in the newspaper at the funeral, aged about eight. Sweet little girl.

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Banged up now like the rest of us.

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The counsellor says it's not all doom and gloom, though.

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A window of hope remains open and the truth would help.

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Truth?

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In the interests of a young person's future?

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In the interests of her mental health. Opportunity for closure.

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Disclosure, unburdening.

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Opportunity for me to get me throat cut by Clyde Harris,

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what sort of an opportunity is that?

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DOOR BANGS

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It's coming now.

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FOOTSTEPS ECHO

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I mean, the governor will be here, banging on that door.

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I mean, the governor and me, I mean we're just two men, two mortals.

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It transcends. I mean, it's bigger than who's done what,

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who's on the right side of the law,

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who's on the right side of that door.

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I mean, it goes bigger. I mean, how can it not, like?

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It's creation.

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I mean, this is what they say at NASA or whatever -

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all we know is that something is there.

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Well, we can track the effect of an object in the rings,

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perturbing the particles around it.

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Like, creating a disturbance in the rings.

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Like a moon from nothing.

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Like, from debris.

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Like, and you might think in here, being stuck in here all this time,

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that I've no reach, like I'm a stone thrown too far up on the beach,

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but that's wrong, because the same atoms flow through us.

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Me and Saturn, and Curtis Kodro, and everyone else.

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We're all in the mixer.

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You can hear it almost,

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hear the whirl of everything.

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So, don't tell me I've got no reach.

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Curtis Kodro knows I've got reach.

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Curtis Kodro knows I know what he's been saying.

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A new addition to the universe.

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Like, it blows your mind.

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GUNSHOTS

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Ten years thinking about 30 seconds.

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Clyde, Curtis, all of us in here, doing life. In here.

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In here.

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30 seconds expanded over ten years.

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In your mind...

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You know it.

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You know it better than you ever wanted to know it.

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Ten years later, Clyde's telling me that it's all down to Curtis

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and that he knows what to do about that.

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And Curtis is coming to me with tears pricking his eyes saying,

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"Have you got control of your brother or haven't you?

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"Because he's looking to kill me."

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Ten years I've been holding this all together...

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..while it tries so hard to unravel.

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27 minutes.

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Robbery, getaway, torch getaway car,

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make off in the second car.

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26-and-a-half of those minutes passed off as planned.

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The last half a minute...

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Well...

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"Do you think you'd feel different

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"if you knew which one of them did it?"

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She's been in touch, so she says.

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And one of them got back to her, said he'd talk to her, tomorrow.

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He'd still be dead. I said, "What difference would it make?"

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When I was a kid, me cousin walked right through a plate-glass window.

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Picking glass out of him for days.

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There was this one bit they didn't get.

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Made its way across his shoulder, through his chest,

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down to his belly and come out his fucking cock years later.

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That's what the truth's like.

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Maybe that counsellor's right.

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Maybe it's time the truth was out there.

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Maybe it's the night for the truth.

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Maybe that ends it here and now.

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-MUFFLED BANGING, WOMAN SHOUTING:

-Open the door!

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Curtis Kodro, Whitmore Harris, Clyde Harris.

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Curtis Kodro, Whitmore Harris, Clyde Harris.

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Curtis Kodro, Whitmore Harris, Clyde Harris.

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Curtis Kodro, Whitmore Harris, Clyde Harris.

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Round and round in circles,

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and the only one inside the circle is me.

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15 months planning that job.

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I'd thought of everything.

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Everything.

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It was a bailiff's office, so they had a bit of everything.

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We were picking up gold and silver and Rolex watches

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and dollars and sterling.

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It was like an Aladdin's cave.

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They'd had a good day's trading that day and, as a consequence,

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we did, too.

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He shouldn't have even been there, my dad.

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He never took me swimming. He only took me that one time.

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It was Mum that took me to swimming lessons every Thursday,

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straight after school, on the bus,

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but the woman she worked with, her upstairs neighbour left her

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bath running and flooded her flat

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and she couldn't come in for her three-to-six shift,

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so they asked my mum if she could stay on and do it and she

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said only if she could find someone to take me to swimming lessons.

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And her boss said, "What about that ex-husband of yours?

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"You're always saying he doesn't see enough of the kid."

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And she said, "He'd probably be busy."

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And he said "Do you want me to call him?"

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And she said, "Don't be stupid," and called him. Texted him.

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I said to my mum, "Was it my fault?"

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cos I'd gone in wearing my cossie, and she said,

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"No, it's because there are some very bad men in the world."

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'But I was thinking, there ARE bad men,

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'but he wouldn't have run into them, would he,

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'if I hadn't said I wanted to go in wearing my swimming costume?

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'I'd done another job to fund that job.

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'That's how seriously I took it.'

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I'd done a subsidiary job to fund that one.

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And I got nicked doing the subsidiary job

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because I'd done insufficient planning. So...

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..three months before, and a year in Wakefield planning.

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When I got out, I spent a week checking that nothing had changed

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while I'd been inside that would affect the plan.

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It couldn't have been better thought through.

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Mum told me later that she didn't want him taking me

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because she had my swimming things with her at work and that meant

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he'd have to come by and get 'em and she didn't want to see him.

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And anyway, she thought he'd be at work.

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But he wasn't.

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She got her boss to tell him she was busy when he came by,

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so he gave him my swimming things.

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But she could see.

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She was watching from the storeroom.

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She was standing on a stool.

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She wanted to see if he had Lisette with him.

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That was the last time that she saw him.

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She said she was sorry after, that she hadn't come out

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and said a few words to him,

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but maybe that was a blessing in disguise

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because those words mightn't have been very nice ones.

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Start with clothes.

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Identical outfits -

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balaclavas, hoodies, jeans,

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gloves, trainers.

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All black, all the same, can't tell us apart.

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Make it hard for them.

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They were going to get fucked off just even looking at the CCTV.

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They're going to have to get off their fat arses

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and point at the screen and go, "That fucker there."

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So, no exposed flesh, nor hair, nor tattoos. Nothing.

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We're generic, we're ciphers.

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We fade in the mind.

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We're here and then we're gone.

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Let fear do the rest.

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'And no-one gets hurt.'

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I checked with the woman Mum worked with

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about her upstairs neighbour flooding her flat.

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She said it was true. She said the ceiling came down.

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She showed me the photos she took for her insurance.

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I said I wanted to speak to her neighbour,

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but she said, I wouldn't want to do that,

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that she was a very angry individual.

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'Weapons.'

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Your first and most important weapon is your sheer physical presence.

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Now, on top of that, but secondary,

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one firearm, one stun gun,

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one blunt instrument.

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As a complete package, you're looking for maximum impact,

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maximum fear.

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You're only going to need it for five minutes,

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but it must have impact.

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You want to guarantee that everyone in those premises

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is going to look at you and your stock and trade

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and know that you are not to be messed with.

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I wanted to go on the bus to the pool

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in my cossie and goggles and snorkel.

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Mum said I could get changed at school before we went.

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She thought it was funny, like I did, and people would look.

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I wouldn't want to do it now,

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but then I was an attention-seeking little twat

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so when he came, I asked him and he said no.

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Personnel. Go with brains and an even temper.

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And that's what I saw in Curtis.

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And so did Clyde, no matter what he's saying now.

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In the car, I said, "What if I get changed in here

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"while you're driving? I could still walk in in my cossie,

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"people would still think it was funny."

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He wasn't even listening. He was asking about Mum.

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He didn't want to be doing this, taking a kid swimming.

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I said, "What about her? She cries most nights."

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And he said, "Does she talk about having me back?"

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And I said, "What about Lisette?"

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What a stupid fucking thing to say.

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He shut up then.

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I still don't know if he wanted to come back

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'Vehicles.'

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An armed robber will have a getaway car and a backup car.

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The getaway car, you torch and dump,

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and then you make off in the other.

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I had two others.

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That's in case of mishaps, roadworks,

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or Christ knows what else.

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Two cars.

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That one parked up a mile east

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and another one parked up a mile west.

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That's forethought.

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That's thinking.

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That's the hallmark of a Whitmore Harris job.

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I wanted him to park on the far side of the car park,

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right away from the pool, near where the bus stop was,

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so the walk would be longest,

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more people would see me walking in my cossie and snorkel.

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But he didn't.

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He was pissed off. He said Mum spoiled me.

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He said if I was going to do that,

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he was going to park right round the back where no-one could see me.

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Like he was ashamed of me.

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Last, recce.

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More important than everything put together.

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You recce, recce and recce again.

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"When are the big men going in there?

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"When are they not?"

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I went in one time with a concealed camera,

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pretending to be looking for a job,

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and I shot every inch of those premises.

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I came home and made floor plan sketches

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and I watched it over and over and over, dozens of times,

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until I got it into my head.

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And then I quizzed Clyde and Curtis until they threw pizza at me.

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He came in the leisure centre with me

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and then he went back to where he parked the car

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because he said scumbags frequented that patch of ground at the back

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and the car wasn't safe.

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And on the day, it went like a dream.

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It went like fuckin' clockwork.

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A woman inside the building heard him shout,

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"Police! Hold it right there!"

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"Harris, hold it right there."

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Now he either knew me or he knew Clyde...

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..but I couldn't have it either way.

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I couldn't have it. I couldn't.

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I'd got Clyde into this

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and I couldn't let it end like this.

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I couldn't let him down, I couldn't. Not him or Curtis.

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I'd torched the car and I was shouting at Curtis,

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"Stun gun him! Stun gun him!"

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And then I heard it.

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My name being shouted at the top of that copper's voice.

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And that's when they got there and shot him.

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INTENSIFYING WHITE NOISE

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We get in the car. Curtis drove.

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Not too fast, not too slow.

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About half a mile ahead, at the junction of Warrington Way,

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we saw Clyde and picked him up.

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He'd went on ahead, but he'd lost track of the car

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and then he heard the shots.

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We stripped off the hoodies and the balaclavas

0:18:140:18:17

and joined the stream of traffic.

0:18:170:18:18

Nobody said much.

0:18:190:18:21

Well, nobody said anything.

0:18:210:18:24

The gun went in the canal near the Sun Inn.

0:18:260:18:28

The car went into the crusher and we went our separate ways.

0:18:280:18:31

We knew they were coming. We knew they'd have us.

0:18:330:18:36

Burnt the clothes and bags and that, and scrubbed ourselves raw

0:18:360:18:39

and just more or less waited for a knock at the door.

0:18:390:18:41

See, the rings are full of ice, big particles of ice and other debris,

0:18:580:19:02

and they collide and they bind together and if they don't smash

0:19:020:19:05

into anything bigger, then they grow, the way a snowball grows,

0:19:050:19:08

and you get a moonlet, like a baby moon,

0:19:080:19:10

like, they incubate in the rings.

0:19:100:19:12

And when, when you get a moon, you get a gap in the rings,

0:19:120:19:15

like an empty ring,

0:19:150:19:16

because everything that was in the ring ends up in the moon.

0:19:160:19:20

It blows your mind.

0:19:220:19:24

If you don't have a brother, then you can't judge.

0:19:270:19:30

'A brother needs looking after.

0:19:300:19:33

'If you haven't, then you don't know what you would do.'

0:19:330:19:36

'He always wanted to be a police officer.

0:19:430:19:45

'Mum told me that, not him.

0:19:470:19:48

'Anyway, it's that kind of job.

0:19:510:19:52

'"The Job".

0:19:540:19:56

'That's what he always called it, like it's the only one.'

0:19:560:19:59

I'm the same. It's something I've aimed for,

0:20:010:20:03

something I've always wanted to do.

0:20:030:20:05

Probably, I can't do it now,

0:20:070:20:09

but it's something I would've really liked to have done.

0:20:090:20:12

DOOR SLAMS

0:20:330:20:34

FOOTSTEPS

0:20:360:20:38

Who comes out of that door?

0:20:410:20:42

Who ever comes out of that door?

0:20:440:20:47

'No-one ever comes out of that door.'

0:20:470:20:49

'So, why is he dead?'

0:20:490:20:50

If the bath doesn't flood, he lives.

0:20:500:20:53

The woman Mum works with comes in anyway, he lives.

0:20:530:20:57

How can you legislate for that? You can't legislate for that.

0:20:570:21:00

Mum's boss doesn't say that about him not seeing enough of me,

0:21:000:21:04

so she calls someone else, he lives.

0:21:040:21:05

He's working and he can't take me, he lives.

0:21:050:21:08

If I had to do that all again,

0:21:080:21:10

I'd do it exactly the same way and that wouldn't happen.

0:21:100:21:13

Mum has a few words with him, even angry words,

0:21:130:21:15

maybe especially angry words,

0:21:150:21:17

so he was a few minutes late getting to my school, he lives.

0:21:170:21:20

He lets me get changed at school,

0:21:200:21:21

so we arrive at the pool five minutes later, he lives.

0:21:210:21:24

That plan was good.

0:21:240:21:26

It was the facts on the ground that didn't compute.

0:21:270:21:29

I'd say Mum would love to have him back

0:21:290:21:31

and we'd turn the car around and go and find her

0:21:310:21:33

and he says sorry for every fucking thing he's ever done, he lives.

0:21:330:21:37

Who could legislate for that?

0:21:370:21:39

For an off-duty cop just to pop up there and then?

0:21:390:21:42

Who could?

0:21:420:21:43

'He parks in the far side of the car park, like I asked him to

0:21:430:21:46

'and not round the back,'

0:21:460:21:47

so he doesn't have to go back to the car, he lives.

0:21:470:21:50

He lives, he lives, he lives.

0:21:500:21:53

But me saying I wanted to go in wearing my swimming costume...

0:21:580:22:01

..he dies.

0:22:040:22:05

There's a thing when you're wearing a mask.

0:22:230:22:25

Everyone can see it.

0:22:260:22:27

And you forget you've got it on.

0:22:280:22:31

And when he shouted my name,

0:22:310:22:33

I was stark naked in a spotlight in a snowfield.

0:22:330:22:37

Before I knew what I was doing...

0:22:390:22:41

..there was the gun.

0:22:420:22:44

But Prescott knew me, and I couldn't have that.

0:22:500:22:53

You could see it on the CCTV. Curtis tried to stop me.

0:22:530:22:56

So, why is he dead when the odds are eight to one against it?

0:23:020:23:05

Because of me.

0:23:070:23:09

I could see Psych's mind working, just thinking,

0:23:110:23:14

"Fuck. It WAS her fault."

0:23:140:23:17

Talk your way out of that one, bitch.

0:23:200:23:22

There's a moon being born out there and it doesn't give a shit

0:23:420:23:46

about who tells the truth, and it doesn't give a shit

0:23:460:23:49

about anything that happens down here and anything you've done

0:23:490:23:51

or haven't done or anything people say you're going to do,

0:23:510:23:54

anyone's mental health or anyone's disclosure,

0:23:540:23:56

the life of Stuart Prescott,

0:23:560:23:57

the life of Stuart Prescott's daughter...

0:23:570:23:59

..the life of Curtis Kodro?

0:24:010:24:02

HE SNORTS

0:24:020:24:03

Oblivious is what it is.

0:24:030:24:05

See...

0:24:310:24:33

my brother still likes me to think he killed PC Prescott.

0:24:330:24:37

He likes me to think he did it for me.

0:24:370:24:39

But it's not the truth.

0:24:390:24:41

'Put Curtis Kodro in the equation and you are fucked, my boy.

0:24:410:24:45

'The rest is by the by.

0:24:450:24:46

'All of us, fucked, for all time.

0:24:460:24:49

'Grief magnet.'

0:24:510:24:53

-MAN ON RECORDING:

-'I don't think you shot him, Clyde.

0:24:560:24:58

'I think Curtis Kodro did.

0:24:580:25:00

'That's the sort of thing Curtis Kodro likes to do.'

0:25:000:25:03

The first direct question Curtis asked me

0:25:090:25:11

in the Wakefield nick was...

0:25:110:25:13

"How long does it take you to grow your beard?"

0:25:130:25:15

HE CHUCKLES

0:25:150:25:17

I was in the queue for the mail, he was coming out of the library.

0:25:170:25:21

You know, I had a couple of inches on it.

0:25:220:25:25

I wasn't shaving until I got out.

0:25:250:25:27

And he was one of those young lads, you know, he's in his early 20s,

0:25:270:25:30

probably shaves once a week, if even that, you know?

0:25:300:25:33

I looked at him and I said, "This thing?

0:25:330:25:35

"This is three months, big lad.

0:25:350:25:37

"Each one of those bristles have been coaxed out individually."

0:25:370:25:40

It took him a wee while to work out

0:25:400:25:42

whether I was joking or not, you know?

0:25:420:25:44

I don't think he was used to much levity in those days.

0:25:440:25:47

He says, "Are you expecting a letter?"

0:25:470:25:49

I says, "Aye, the missus, she writes once a week.

0:25:490:25:51

"What about you?" He says, "Three months.

0:25:510:25:53

"That's some going for a beard like that."

0:25:530:25:55

I said, "What book are you getting out?"

0:25:550:25:57

It was some book on business, you know?

0:25:580:26:00

How to set up on your own and make a go of it.

0:26:000:26:02

I liked the kid, you know?

0:26:030:26:05

I thought, "He's been in here nearly eight years and he's trying

0:26:050:26:08

"to work out what he's going to do when he's on the out.

0:26:080:26:11

"I could use a guy like that."

0:26:120:26:13

I said, "Maybe you want to think about maybe setting yourself up

0:26:150:26:18

"with a nice little nest egg when you get out, you know?

0:26:180:26:20

"Tide you over those first tricky months."

0:26:200:26:22

He looked at me.

0:26:230:26:26

There was real scrutiny in that look.

0:26:260:26:27

No hiding it.

0:26:290:26:30

He said, "I'm going straight."

0:26:310:26:32

HE SCOFFS

0:26:340:26:35

I says, "With what in your pocket?"

0:26:350:26:37

My uncle used to say I was like fat in a pan - sizzle and spit.

0:26:390:26:43

Couldn't settle, not for anything. School, relationships, nothing.

0:26:430:26:46

I was the sort of kid who just used to do stupid shit to get noticed,

0:26:460:26:49

you know what I mean?

0:26:490:26:51

Reckless endangerment, climbing shit, breaking and entering,

0:26:510:26:54

giving lip to people who'd hit you for it,

0:26:540:26:57

fighting people bigger than me. That's what I was good at.

0:26:570:26:59

Well, not good at. Keen on. Fat in a pan.

0:26:590:27:01

'He shouldn't have been with us at all.'

0:27:010:27:04

His release date from Wakefield

0:27:040:27:06

was a month before mine and he comes to us

0:27:060:27:08

just before he gets out and says, "There's been a change of plan."

0:27:080:27:11

I'd never seen him so up. He said, things have changed

0:27:110:27:15

and he no longer wants to be part of the job.

0:27:150:27:17

That's what he said, "Things have changed".

0:27:170:27:19

I said, "What, you don't want to be rich?"

0:27:190:27:23

But he wasn't having it.

0:27:230:27:25

I couldn't believe it.

0:27:250:27:27

He was walking away after all we'd planned.

0:27:270:27:29

There was this girl he used to talk about.

0:27:330:27:36

Nicole.

0:27:360:27:38

Yeah, Nicole used to come to the catch-up class.

0:27:380:27:40

She was a volunteer reader, she...

0:27:400:27:42

She was 19 and looked younger, I was 17 and looked older.

0:27:420:27:45

Look, the way I was brought up,

0:27:450:27:48

I was chasing after me parents.

0:27:480:27:50

I was grabbing onto their shadows bloody night and day.

0:27:500:27:53

I didn't have any time for friends. I didn't trust people.

0:27:530:27:56

Probably Whitmore's the only one I ever did trust.

0:27:560:27:59

But when I did...

0:27:590:28:01

Me and her had this back and forth going on

0:28:040:28:06

cos she was a uni girl, I took the piss that she was... "Hoity-toity",

0:28:060:28:09

that was the expression she used.

0:28:090:28:11

That made me laugh. Oh, my Lord, the way she said that,

0:28:110:28:14

"hoity-toity" - it was funny.

0:28:140:28:15

She was "hoity-toity" and I was "street".

0:28:150:28:17

Even the way she said that made me laugh. "Street".

0:28:170:28:20

She was from a farm. Family had a hill farm up in Cumbria.

0:28:200:28:23

There weren't no streets up there, only hills.

0:28:230:28:25

HE CHUCKLES

0:28:250:28:27

She said to me - people like me weren't allowed there.

0:28:270:28:30

She said they'd have to put a street in especially,

0:28:300:28:32

if I was ever to go up there or any of me family.

0:28:320:28:34

She was funny, man, she made me laugh.

0:28:340:28:35

We just used to sit and read and we'd have this repartee

0:28:350:28:38

and just make each other laugh.

0:28:380:28:39

I got her to talk about it - the farm.

0:28:400:28:42

That place sounded like paradise to me.

0:28:420:28:45

I'd be reading to her or talking to her and...

0:28:450:28:48

..I'd settle.

0:28:500:28:52

No, literally.

0:28:520:28:54

I'd feel all the molecules inside my body just come to rest.

0:28:540:28:57

There was this day at school, she was cold

0:29:020:29:04

and she had this short-sleeved top on and she was rubbing the top

0:29:040:29:07

of her arms and I had me hoodie on and I pulled it off

0:29:070:29:09

and gave it to her and said, "Here you are."

0:29:090:29:11

And she, like, put it on and she...

0:29:110:29:13

Just for a minute...

0:29:150:29:16

She, like, just leant into me.

0:29:180:29:19

And she was sitting right next to me. You know that thing?

0:29:190:29:22

You know that thing that girls do when they're cold

0:29:220:29:25

and they grab onto you with both the hands and sort of lean into you

0:29:250:29:28

and do a shiver and put their chin on your shoulder?

0:29:280:29:31

She did that.

0:29:310:29:33

It was done and over in a second but...

0:29:330:29:36

See, at the end of the class when it had finished...?

0:29:370:29:39

She sort of made out like she forgot she had me hoodie on

0:29:390:29:42

and she went walking off and I was like, "Yo!"

0:29:420:29:44

HE CHUCKLES

0:29:440:29:46

When I put that hoodie on...it smelt of her.

0:29:510:29:53

See, I got dispensation to follow Saturn online,

0:30:070:30:11

but that's not all I followed.

0:30:110:30:14

I followed Curtis Kodro's colourful past.

0:30:140:30:16

My brother, the great judge of character -

0:30:160:30:19

I said, "You knew that, did you?"

0:30:190:30:21

And he gave me that look like, "Do I really need to spell out what

0:30:210:30:24

"I know to you?"

0:30:240:30:25

For 30-odd years, I took that to mean, "You're too slow, Clyde.

0:30:250:30:28

"I'm way ahead of you."

0:30:280:30:31

Lately, I'm starting to think - "You know what, Clyde?

0:30:310:30:33

"You took too much on trust."

0:30:330:30:35

And then she wanted to see the real Nottingham.

0:30:410:30:44

I said I'd come round to hers and we'd go out, but, no,

0:30:440:30:47

she was bored of the places uni students went.

0:30:470:30:49

She'd come round to mine - but I was living out of

0:30:490:30:51

-somebody's car at the time, so that weren't going to happen.

-HE SCOFFS

0:30:510:30:55

I had no fucking idea what the real Nottingham was any more than she did.

0:30:550:30:58

And then I saw it.

0:30:580:31:00

My life's a documentary for this girl.

0:31:000:31:03

I'm an exhibit - fat in the pan.

0:31:030:31:05

There was this place near where I grew up,

0:31:050:31:07

where you could see enough kids sniffing glue - so I thought,

0:31:070:31:11

"That'll make a good start." So, I roped me half-brother in.

0:31:110:31:14

Met her off the bus, it must've been about eight o'clock.

0:31:140:31:16

It was just getting dark.

0:31:160:31:18

Anyway, we sat on this bench, right, drinking this vodka.

0:31:190:31:22

I was watching all the kids staggering about in the dark

0:31:220:31:24

with their faces in these plastic bags!

0:31:240:31:26

-HE LAUGHS

-We were laughing, man. Mossy was.

0:31:260:31:29

You could tell she was out of her depth, though.

0:31:310:31:34

Then Mossy asked Nicole if she'd ever done it with two blokes.

0:31:340:31:37

She just kind of stood up,

0:31:370:31:38

looked like she was going to maybe start crying or something.

0:31:380:31:41

I just told him to shut the fuck up.

0:31:410:31:43

Then this commotion started up on the park cos some kid

0:31:430:31:46

supposedly started having a fit

0:31:460:31:48

and was, like, jerking about in all this broken glass under the swings.

0:31:480:31:51

And then, all his crackhead, junkie mates started crowding round

0:31:510:31:54

and laughing at him and I just lost it and went up

0:31:540:31:56

and started shouting at them all just to fuck off home.

0:31:560:31:59

There was this one kid, Florian.

0:31:590:32:00

He was bigger than all the others.

0:32:000:32:02

I thought he was probably about me own age,

0:32:020:32:04

but turns out he was younger.

0:32:040:32:05

He stood up, smacked me with the swing.

0:32:060:32:09

With the wooden seat of the swing on its chains,

0:32:090:32:11

right round the back of me head. And I just went down.

0:32:110:32:14

When I got up - he was swinging it at me again,

0:32:140:32:17

he broke me cheekbone, and two teeth, and I just lost it.

0:32:170:32:20

He was, like, pegging it across the field, like, in the dark,

0:32:200:32:22

laughing at me, and I just pulled me knife and went after him.

0:32:220:32:25

When he tried to get out of the railings...

0:32:250:32:27

he sort of slipped back.

0:32:270:32:30

One of the spikes on the top of the railings

0:32:300:32:32

just went right up through the back of his jacket...and he was just

0:32:320:32:36

sort of hanging there like that, like a fish on hook.

0:32:360:32:39

It was a while until I remembered Nicole was even there.

0:32:390:32:42

I thought about the way she looked at me when she said,

0:32:420:32:45

"Give me the knife." You know what I mean? She was...

0:32:450:32:48

Wasn't raving like everyone else.

0:32:480:32:49

She was trying not to look at Florian who was,

0:32:490:32:51

like, wailing - blood everywhere, flapping about.

0:32:510:32:54

She was, like, looking straight at me.

0:32:540:32:56

And it still comes back to me.

0:33:010:33:03

And her eyes were right in mine.

0:33:150:33:17

She'd been ignoring his letters for years.

0:33:290:33:31

Been writing to her and getting nothing back...

0:33:330:33:35

..and then she got in touch.

0:33:360:33:38

Deep down inside, I was glad for him.

0:33:430:33:45

He had fucked my plans but I was glad for him.

0:33:450:33:48

He was going straight.

0:33:480:33:50

He was going up the hills, he said.

0:33:500:33:52

And I thought Nicole would meet me at the bus station, but she didn't.

0:33:520:33:56

And all the way up on that bus, I'd been working out what

0:33:560:33:59

I was saying, do you know what I mean?

0:33:590:34:02

The first few lines, just to break the ice.

0:34:020:34:04

But standing there, I didn't even know any more.

0:34:040:34:06

I wanted to restart my life.

0:34:060:34:08

I wanted her to restart my life. What did I know?

0:34:100:34:12

Got some flowers. There was a stall near where the taxis were.

0:34:140:34:18

I was thinking that maybe she's still going to turn up.

0:34:180:34:20

I was just killing time.

0:34:200:34:22

But this taxi driver saw me standing there with these flowers and...

0:34:220:34:25

He goes, "Are you hoping to get lucky, mate?"

0:34:260:34:28

And I said, "No, that WOULD be pushing it."

0:34:280:34:30

He said something like, "Still, they put a spring in your step," or something like that.

0:34:300:34:34

And suddenly, everything was just going to be all right.

0:34:340:34:37

I told him the name of the farm and...

0:34:370:34:39

..just saying it out loud after all that time,

0:34:410:34:43

just made me feel like coming home.

0:34:430:34:44

He tells us, "Come on then, Starsky, Let's get out of here."

0:34:460:34:49

And I threw the flowers in the back, jumped in, and we just pulled off.

0:34:490:34:52

We both did laugh, it was just one of them moments, you know what I mean?

0:34:520:34:55

RADIO CHATTER

0:34:550:34:57

Tell you what, when we got out up into those hills

0:34:570:34:59

it was just like what she'd told me - not a street anywhere.

0:34:590:35:02

I had her letter and I was reading it again.

0:35:020:35:05

Cab man was listening to all the talk on his radio.

0:35:050:35:08

I thought it was other drivers or dispatch, I weren't listening.

0:35:110:35:14

He looked at me.

0:35:190:35:20

And do you know what?

0:35:220:35:24

In the end, he said it was the police.

0:35:240:35:27

And he said, "They're waiting for you, you know that, do you?

0:35:270:35:30

"At the farm."

0:35:300:35:31

HE SCOFFS

0:35:330:35:35

Yeah, she told them I was coming.

0:35:350:35:36

It broke the terms of me parole if I went there,

0:35:390:35:41

I'd end up back in prison.

0:35:410:35:43

She set me up.

0:35:430:35:45

HE CLEARS THROAT

0:35:450:35:46

Cab man turned the radio off.

0:35:470:35:49

He was giving me time to think.

0:35:510:35:53

Yeah, it was the end of the road -

0:35:530:35:56

I suppose he could see that.

0:35:560:35:57

Someone like me weren't meant to be up there.

0:35:570:35:59

And I got back on the bus. It was the same bus.

0:36:000:36:03

HE SCOFFS

0:36:030:36:05

He was knocking on my door the first day I got out,

0:36:050:36:08

wanting back on the job.

0:36:080:36:09

Suddenly, it was our job again. "We" this, "We" that.

0:36:090:36:12

He'd let me down, he'd make it up to me,

0:36:120:36:14

he was sorry about what happened.

0:36:140:36:16

I'd seen it before when fellows go straight -

0:36:160:36:18

the sheer terror of it in their eyes.

0:36:180:36:20

I stood Clyde down,

0:36:200:36:22

told him I didn't need him.

0:36:220:36:24

I'd twisted his arm the first time,

0:36:240:36:25

so I thought he'd be happy about it, you know?

0:36:250:36:28

His missus was just about to have a kid, wee Megan.

0:36:280:36:30

So, he was all aglow about that, so I thought he'd be happy.

0:36:300:36:33

'But he didn't want to lose face in front of Curtis.'

0:36:330:36:36

Curtis this, Curtis that, Curtis the other!

0:36:360:36:39

So, I just thought,

0:36:390:36:41

"Why not all for one, one for all?

0:36:410:36:44

"Man hugs all round."

0:36:440:36:45

I disgraced meself that day.

0:36:480:36:50

I'm not proud of what I did with the stun gun.

0:36:500:36:52

I'm not proud of running away.

0:36:520:36:54

Whitmore says we're all brothers?

0:36:550:36:57

Not just me and him.

0:36:570:36:59

Curtis Kodro, too.

0:36:590:37:01

Never work with brothers. Never work with brothers.

0:37:010:37:04

Yeah, he talked a lot about Clyde, Whitmore did,

0:37:060:37:08

when we were in Wakefield together making plans.

0:37:080:37:11

I'd be going on about Nicole

0:37:110:37:12

and he'd be going on about Clyde, not his wife.

0:37:120:37:14

But when I met Clyde, I didn't...

0:37:140:37:16

I didn't think he lived up to all that.

0:37:160:37:18

I thought he was a right arsehole.

0:37:180:37:20

I didn't know what all the fuss was about, but, on the day,

0:37:200:37:22

oh, my God, Christ Almighty, me!

0:37:220:37:24

I could feel Clyde shrivel up every time they showed the CCTV footage.

0:37:300:37:33

And they showed a lot of it in that courtroom.

0:37:330:37:36

They tried over and over again to drag an ounce of meaning

0:37:380:37:41

out of it - and they failed.

0:37:410:37:42

The cops said that they knew what was going on.

0:37:430:37:47

They reckoned that the guy with the stun gun at the robbery was Clyde,

0:37:470:37:50

because of what one of the witnesses said.

0:37:500:37:51

They knew that Clyde was bigger than me and Curtis.

0:37:530:37:56

Not taller, bigger.

0:37:560:37:58

But I already thought of that -

0:37:590:38:01

so me and Curtis bulked up

0:38:010:38:03

so we all looked exactly the same.

0:38:030:38:05

So, just cos they said

0:38:080:38:10

the shooter was a bigger man -

0:38:100:38:12

doesn't mean anything.

0:38:120:38:14

And anyway...

0:38:150:38:17

the shooter and one other guy were the only two people

0:38:170:38:20

in the CCTV footage when the shots were fired.

0:38:200:38:23

So, there is no comparison.

0:38:240:38:26

'Whitmore didn't have the gun.'

0:38:260:38:29

That gun was in Curtis's bag and when they caught me up,

0:38:290:38:31

Curtis was saying sorry.

0:38:310:38:32

Sorry, while he was driving, and Whitmore was saying nothing,

0:38:320:38:35

knowing full well that Curtis Kodro

0:38:350:38:37

had fucked us all up for all eternity, and he'd brought him in.

0:38:370:38:40

See, there's a disturbance around Curtis,

0:38:410:38:45

simple as that.

0:38:450:38:46

You can see it on the CCTV.

0:38:460:38:48

When we were in court, I knew every frame of it.

0:38:480:38:51

The more you try and get from it, the less you get.

0:38:510:38:54

But then you sit back and something's staring you in the face.

0:38:540:38:56

Something you've been trying to ignore.

0:38:560:38:58

Something perturbing the fucking particles around it.

0:38:580:39:00

Curtis Kodro - jinx.

0:39:000:39:02

Never work with brothers. Never work with brothers. Brothers are like...

0:39:020:39:05

Sisters would be better, even.

0:39:070:39:09

Brothers are like...

0:39:090:39:11

When they grow up together,

0:39:120:39:14

they come from the same uterus, they're made from the same clay,

0:39:140:39:17

same atoms, the same eggs and sperms. They don't need to talk.

0:39:170:39:19

I'm not talking about twins, just brothers.

0:39:200:39:22

Brothers are deep, mate.

0:39:220:39:24

I could tell that from the off - and every year since.

0:39:240:39:27

It's been coming.

0:39:270:39:28

Grief magnet.

0:39:290:39:30

There's an aura around him

0:39:320:39:34

and it draws bad stuff in and it drew us in - me and me brother.

0:39:340:39:37

Here's Clyde and here's Whitmore.

0:39:370:39:39

He wants me dead and he doesn't.

0:39:390:39:41

Or maybe he doesn't. He says he doesn't. He used to say he doesn't.

0:39:440:39:47

And he's the boss - so Clyde's supposed to do

0:39:470:39:49

exactly what he tells him,

0:39:490:39:50

so it should be simple but they're brothers, so it isn't!

0:39:500:39:53

But that counsellor. She thinks it is. Simple question, simple answer.

0:39:530:39:57

That's what she thinks.

0:39:570:40:00

Clyde calls me up and says, "Let's give them Curtis."

0:40:000:40:03

I says, "It wasn't Curtis that shot him, though, was it?"

0:40:030:40:06

Then Whitmore couldn't get the car torched.

0:40:060:40:08

And Prescott was walking up to his car,

0:40:080:40:10

so it was only a matter of time until he saw us.

0:40:100:40:13

The car went up, Prescott saw us.

0:40:130:40:15

And the flames just threw us back.

0:40:150:40:17

Whitmore was shouting, "Stun him! Stun him!"

0:40:180:40:21

So, I went in the bag for the stun gun.

0:40:210:40:24

I couldn't find the stun gun. I pulled out the gun.

0:40:240:40:27

We had £10,000 in cash and foreign currency,

0:40:270:40:30

we had Rolex watches worth five grand apiece. We had...

0:40:300:40:33

..50 grand in them three bags.

0:40:350:40:37

We had everything Whitmore promised.

0:40:370:40:39

Then we had nothing.

0:40:410:40:43

And then, we had nothing.

0:40:460:40:48

Went round in a big, fat circle from nothing to nothing.

0:40:480:40:52

I looked at the gun in me hand, pointed it at Prescott...

0:40:530:40:56

He stopped, started backing off.

0:40:580:41:00

There's power in that.

0:41:000:41:01

I can see him squirm now, like he's right in front of me.

0:41:030:41:05

Him, just internally, inside himself.

0:41:060:41:08

When he saw that gun in my hand...

0:41:100:41:12

Yeah...

0:41:150:41:16

I saw his face do something a face shouldn't do.

0:41:170:41:20

His dignity escaped - I did that.

0:41:230:41:25

SCORE BUILDS

0:41:250:41:27

And I thought, "You're better off dead, now, mate.

0:41:270:41:29

"You'll not be able to live with yourself after this one.

0:41:290:41:32

"I'm doing you a favour."

0:41:320:41:34

SCORE BUILDS

0:41:340:41:36

And I squeezed the trigger.

0:41:360:41:37

GUNSHOT

0:41:430:41:45

"You didn't do it.

0:42:400:42:41

"I think you know that, but you did something.

0:42:430:42:45

"So, why don't we talk about that?

0:42:460:42:48

"You were cross with yourself for asking him about Lisette.

0:42:500:42:54

"Who's Lisette?"

0:42:540:42:55

"You're not asking what they pay me for now, are you?" she said.

0:42:580:43:01

It's not like at night you can see Saturn with the naked eye

0:43:140:43:17

or even with a telescope.

0:43:170:43:19

It's not that.

0:43:190:43:20

But, at night, you can sense it,

0:43:200:43:23

when the rest of the animals in here have shut the fuck up

0:43:230:43:25

and the place goes quiet, like properly quiet,

0:43:250:43:28

you can kind of commune with the universe,

0:43:280:43:31

you've got to reach out with your mind.

0:43:310:43:33

They would've called it the music of the spheres, one time,

0:43:370:43:40

the governor told me.

0:43:400:43:42

Yeah?

0:43:420:43:43

See, that music speaks to me,

0:43:430:43:45

yeah, and it tells me the waiting's over.

0:43:450:43:47

Over for me.

0:43:500:43:51

Over for Curtis Kodro.

0:43:510:43:53

He didn't think I knew about Lisette,

0:44:080:44:10

but, of course, I fucking knew about her.

0:44:100:44:12

She was actually somebody he supposedly arrested...

0:44:140:44:17

for shoplifting.

0:44:170:44:19

I didn't know that then. I found that out after.

0:44:190:44:21

Mum told me. It's true, though, I checked.

0:44:210:44:24

Mum said she was a whore and he was a cradle snatcher.

0:44:250:44:28

She wasn't a kid - she was, like, 18 or something.

0:44:300:44:33

Of course I knew about her.

0:44:340:44:36

He said, "Lisette? That was over before it even started."

0:44:370:44:41

That's why he was angry - because I wasn't supposed to know about her.

0:44:420:44:46

And I asked about her - because it was obvious Mum had told me,

0:44:460:44:48

even though I wasn't supposed to know.

0:44:480:44:51

That's why he didn't let me do what I wanted,

0:44:510:44:53

that's why he parked round the back, and that's why he's dead.

0:44:530:44:55

Happy now? It's still my fault.

0:44:550:44:58

So, nice try, but fuck you.

0:44:580:44:59

It's Clyde that keeps me awake at night.

0:45:050:45:07

Sounds like bullshit - but I take pride in my work.

0:45:120:45:15

Not one person was ever injured, not even slightly,

0:45:170:45:20

in all my years of breaking the law.

0:45:200:45:22

And then, I get my brother involved.

0:45:240:45:26

He wasn't made for this, like none of us are.

0:45:280:45:30

But this is eating him up from the inside.

0:45:320:45:35

This is turning his mind.

0:45:350:45:37

SCORE STOPS

0:45:430:45:46

So... What?

0:45:460:45:48

I, like, have a quiet word with a trusted member of staff

0:45:500:45:53

and get him put back into isolation again?

0:45:530:45:56

That would just kill him.

0:45:570:45:59

That would just finish him.

0:46:000:46:02

And what does that say to him?

0:46:060:46:08

What does that say to where he...

0:46:100:46:11

where he stands or where Curtis stands?

0:46:110:46:15

Who's got whose hand up whose backside, like?

0:46:170:46:19

Who's working whose mouth with whose fingers, eh?

0:46:190:46:22

Like, who's the old moon and who's the new?

0:46:220:46:25

See, he'd always known what my life was...

0:46:290:46:33

..and he always kept a distance from it.

0:46:340:46:36

Cos he... he wanted kids, he wanted a wife.

0:46:380:46:41

And, yes, a man's dead...

0:46:460:46:48

..but I look at Clyde...

0:46:510:46:52

..and I see something else is dying, too.

0:46:540:46:56

Listen. Listen.

0:47:060:47:10

It's me that's doing it to him.

0:47:130:47:15

SCORE STOPS

0:47:180:47:19

There's lies you tell by speaking and lies you tell by not.

0:47:270:47:31

I was starting to think this woman's like a witch or something,

0:47:330:47:37

like, she can read minds.

0:47:370:47:38

"Do you ever talk to him?" she said. "Your dad."

0:47:400:47:43

I said, "He's dead. Have you been listening?"

0:47:450:47:47

"OK," she said.

0:47:490:47:51

"I'll be here tomorrow if you want to hear how I get on."

0:47:510:47:53

And she got up. And because she stood up, I sort of had to, too.

0:47:530:47:57

I said, "I'm getting out of here at nine."

0:47:570:47:59

She said, "I'll be here at midday, if you want to hear how I get on."

0:47:590:48:03

I went then and she called after me.

0:48:150:48:17

"My dad's dead, too. I still talk to him.

0:48:190:48:22

"You want to try it sometime."

0:48:240:48:26

ALARM BLARES

0:48:310:48:33

I'm that moon, that, that new moon on Saturn.

0:48:440:48:48

I'm the moon...

0:48:480:48:49

..and Curtis...

0:48:510:48:52

Curtis is the gap in the rings

0:48:540:48:55

and everything that was him is coming into me.

0:48:550:48:58

Isn't it, Whitmore?

0:49:010:49:03

It's time.

0:49:040:49:06

My favourite photo.

0:49:180:49:20

That's where I start when I want to remember him.

0:49:200:49:22

I was seven. His arms around me and we're both laughing

0:49:240:49:27

at something Mum's saying as she's taking it.

0:49:270:49:30

I actually stop Lee ever putting his arm around me from that side,

0:49:310:49:34

so he'd be the only one that had ever done it, so the memory's clear.

0:49:340:49:38

His arm around me and his hand pulling my head onto his.

0:49:380:49:43

That starts off the realness of it.

0:49:430:49:45

I think of the fingers of his hand.

0:49:460:49:48

The palm of his hand's right on my ear

0:49:480:49:51

and his fingers are on top of my head, holding me close.

0:49:510:49:54

Because, if I'm honest,

0:49:560:49:57

I started getting mixed up between him and Lee.

0:49:570:49:59

Sometimes when I wasn't concentrating and I had a memory

0:49:590:50:02

and then I'd think, "No, wait up, that wasn't Lee.

0:50:020:50:04

"That must've been him. It must've been Dad."

0:50:040:50:07

If I start with his hand right here...

0:50:130:50:16

..then I can bring the rest of him alive...

0:50:180:50:20

Reanimate him.

0:50:230:50:24

DOOR OPENS

0:50:370:50:39

"Right outside that gate, you'll have a decision to make," she said.

0:50:460:50:50

"Turn left and wait for the 97 bus

0:50:500:50:52

"and it'll take you back into town

0:50:520:50:55

"and you can pick right up where you left off.

0:50:550:50:58

"Or you can turn right.

0:50:580:50:59

"Do you know what there is that way?

0:51:000:51:02

"The new you."

0:51:030:51:05

I can't be that man any more, a man that keeps a lid on.

0:51:130:51:15

Not for Clyde

0:51:170:51:18

or for the truth,

0:51:180:51:20

not for any of it.

0:51:200:51:22

And he knows I lied to him about killing Prescott.

0:51:240:51:27

It wasn't for him at all.

0:51:270:51:29

And Prescott...

0:51:290:51:31

Prescott never shouted our name.

0:51:310:51:33

How could he?

0:51:330:51:34

Maybe... Maybe for half a second, I thought he had - but...

0:51:380:51:41

it wasn't that.

0:51:410:51:43

It wasn't that at all.

0:51:440:51:46

I pointed it at Prescott.

0:51:470:51:48

He stopped, started backing off.

0:51:490:51:53

And I squeezed the trigger.

0:51:550:51:56

"Give me the gun, Curtis. Give me the gun."

0:51:580:52:00

It was her in the end.

0:52:040:52:05

It was Nicole.

0:52:050:52:07

"Give me the gun, Curtis. Give me the gun."

0:52:070:52:10

I could hear her, clear, calm.

0:52:100:52:12

I should've gone to the farm, that's what she was saying.

0:52:130:52:16

If I'd have gone to the farm like she told me,

0:52:160:52:18

I wouldn't have been stood there with that gun in me hand.

0:52:180:52:20

She saved me once before, stopped me killing Florian...

0:52:200:52:23

Now she was trying again.

0:52:230:52:24

She hadn't given up on me.

0:52:250:52:27

I turned...

0:52:310:52:32

I turned to run,

0:52:340:52:35

..but then Whitmore reached out

0:52:360:52:39

and took it off me...

0:52:390:52:40

-HE SOBS

-..and he shot him.

0:52:400:52:42

GUNSHOTS

0:52:510:52:54

Nothing prepares you for that.

0:52:540:52:55

Gunfire - it's the ultimate.

0:52:550:52:58

It's the be-all and end-all. It's the end-all.

0:52:580:53:00

Gunfire awakens you from the dream of reality and goes,

0:53:020:53:04

"You think that's real? Fuck you! This is real!"

0:53:040:53:07

And, oh, my Christ, is it loud!

0:53:070:53:09

Ten years thinking about 30 seconds.

0:53:180:53:20

Curtis dead,

0:53:200:53:21

Prescott dead.

0:53:210:53:23

He made me angry, that's all.

0:53:250:53:27

He just made me angry.

0:53:270:53:29

He got in the way.

0:53:300:53:32

And without him -

0:53:330:53:34

it was flawless.

0:53:340:53:36

"They killed Curtis Kodro.

0:53:540:53:56

"The brothers did, last night," Psych says.

0:53:560:53:59

She came here to tell me.

0:53:590:54:01

I said, "Killed him because he killed my dad

0:54:020:54:04

"or killed him because he was going to tell you who did?"

0:54:040:54:07

She didn't know.

0:54:080:54:09

I said, "You built me up for that.

0:54:090:54:11

"You said you'd find out. You promised."

0:54:110:54:14

She said she was sorry, she'd done her best,

0:54:140:54:16

she had work to catch up on, she had to go in.

0:54:160:54:19

She touched my face.

0:54:260:54:27

"Look after yourself."

0:54:290:54:30

She had to go in.

0:54:330:54:34

"One of them killed your dad," she said.

0:54:370:54:39

"And one of them's dead because of it."

0:54:410:54:43

I should've known.

0:54:450:54:47

As soon as she got off that bus and looked at me and Mossy,

0:54:470:54:50

I should've known, but I didn't have anyone to teach me that stuff.

0:54:500:54:53

All she wanted was Woolaton Park or Goose Fair,

0:54:530:54:56

that's the real Nottingham.

0:54:560:54:58

That's all she meant.

0:54:580:54:59

Just something I knew and she didn't -

0:54:590:55:01

and we both would've felt good.

0:55:010:55:03

It was no more than that.

0:55:030:55:04

But that was too much to ask.

0:55:070:55:08

'Dad...

0:55:130:55:14

'Did you want to come back?

0:55:160:55:18

'You had my towel.

0:55:230:55:24

'You were carrying my towel

0:55:240:55:26

'when we went in and I didn't take it off you.'

0:55:260:55:28

'I came to the door and I saw the car on fire

0:55:320:55:34

'and the ambulance was there.

0:55:340:55:36

'And you were lying on the ground in a puddle.

0:55:360:55:39

'The towel was there.

0:55:390:55:40

'I was standing in the doorway, dripping,

0:55:420:55:45

'and there was people all around you, but you looked all alone.'

0:55:450:55:48

I'd got out the pool because I wanted to tell you

0:55:490:55:51

about Mum and Lee.

0:55:510:55:53

I wanted you to know that, but there you were on the ground,

0:55:530:55:56

not knowing about Lee.

0:55:560:55:58

There was a lot of bullshit later about how

0:55:580:56:00

they hadn't got together until after.

0:56:000:56:02

Grief brought them together,

0:56:020:56:04

that's what they tell my half-sisters.

0:56:040:56:06

We all went to the cinema weeks before you died - me, Mum and Lee -

0:56:060:56:10

and I could tell then what it was.

0:56:100:56:12

She'd have liked Goose Fair.

0:56:140:56:16

I remember being up at Sammy's for butter chicken.

0:56:160:56:19

When it come out, it should have been cold,

0:56:200:56:22

because it's always cold when you come out a curry house.

0:56:220:56:24

And I'd give my order

0:56:260:56:28

and she'd have held on to me arm.

0:56:280:56:30

And things would've been different.

0:56:350:56:37

I wanted that towel.

0:56:440:56:46

I wanted you to get up,

0:56:460:56:47

pick it up off the ground, bring it over,

0:56:470:56:50

and wrap it around me - but you couldn't.

0:56:500:56:53

And I made a sort of vow that I wouldn't let them be happy...

0:56:560:56:59

Mum and Lee...

0:57:000:57:01

for you, because of you not knowing the truth,

0:57:010:57:04

because of me not telling you.

0:57:040:57:06

Not a vow, exactly,

0:57:080:57:10

not one I said out loud or even in my head,

0:57:100:57:13

just a sort of deal...

0:57:130:57:15

..with you.

0:57:160:57:18

SCORE BUILDS

0:57:380:57:41

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