Part One Revolting Rhymes


Part One

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BELL RINGS AS DOOR OPENS

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Ooh!

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By gollykins!

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Do you mind if I sit down?

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N...No.

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Sorry, please don't misunderstand.

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I'm just being friendly.

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You're, er...

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You're a long way from home. What brings you here?

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Oh, I'm waiting to meet an old friend.

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What about you, young lady?

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SHE GIGGLES

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I'm waiting to babysit two adorable kids.

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They live just over there.

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Oh, you read them fairy stories.

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Oh, yes!

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Oh, they love their story time.

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Little Red Riding Hood.

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Don't like her.

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And Snow White? She's actually a blonde!

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Sorry?

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"Happily ever after..." HE GRUNTS

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Come on, now, they're just stories.

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-You know? For children?

-SHE CHUCKLES

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I don't suppose you have family yourself?

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Well, had. I had two nephews - Rolf and Rex.

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Had?

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Why? What happened?

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Well, since you ask...

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..once upon a time...

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HE GROWLS

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Flowers!

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Flowers!

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Would you like some flowers?

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Flowers?

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Very nice flowers.

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SHE SIGHS

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-MAN CLEARS THROAT

-Oh!

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SOLDIERS GRUNT

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GIRL SOBS AND SNIFFS

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(Please take one.)

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BELL TOLLS

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When little Snow White's mother died,

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the King, her father, up and cried...

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Oh, what a nuisance! What a life!

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HE SOBS

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Now I must find another wife!

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It's never easy for a king to find himself that sort of thing.

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CONGREGATION MURMURS

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SNOW WHITE SOBS

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Snow White!

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PIG GRUNTS AND SNORTS

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PIG GRUNTS THEN SIGHS

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Piggy bank!

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Very good, very good.

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The King wrote to each magazine and said...

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I'm looking for a queen.

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At least 10,000 girls replied and begged to be the royal bride.

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However, in the end he chose...

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..a lady called Miss Maclahose.

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THE KING SINGS

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Who brought a mirror framed in brass.

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Good morning.

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A magic, talking, looking glass.

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RED RIDING HOOD GIGGLES

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Ask it something, day or night,

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it always got the answer right.

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Aww.

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Go on!

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For instance, if you were to say...

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Oh, Mirror, what's for lunch today?

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The thing would answer, in a trice...

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Today it's scrambled eggs and rice.

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DOOR CREAKS

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There we are.

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Din-dins.

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GIRLS LAUGH

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Oh, adorable!

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Now, every day, week in, week out,

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the spoilt and stupid Queen would shout...

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Oh, Mirror, Mirror on the wall!

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Who is fairest of them all?

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The Mirror answered every time...

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Oh, Madame, you're the queen sublime.

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You're the only one to charm us.

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Queen, you are the cat's pyjamas!

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For ten whole years, the silly Queen

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repeated her absurd routine,

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then suddenly one awful day...

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Hello, Snow White!

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Hi! Ohh...

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-SHE CHUCKLES

-That's very sweet of you.

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She heard the magic mirror say...

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From now on, Queen, you're number two.

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Snow White is prettier than you.

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The Queen went absolutely wild.

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She yelled...

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I'm going to scrag that child!

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I'll cook her flaming goose, I'll skin her!

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I'll have her rotten guts for dinner!

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She called the huntsman to her study.

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HUNTSMAN!

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Listen, buddy! You drag that filthy girl outside,

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and see you take her for a ride!

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Thereafter, slit her ribs apart,

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and bring me back the bleeding heart!

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HUNTSMAN GULPS

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DOOR CREAKS

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RED RIDING HOOD SIGHS

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Thanks, Pig.

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ROLF SNIFFS

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REX GULPS BIG BAD WOLF GROWLS

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REX WHIMPERS

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BIG BAD WOLF SCOFFS

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As soon as Rolf began to feel that he would like a decent meal...

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..he went and knocked on Grandma's door.

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KNOCK ON DOOR

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When Grandma opened it, she saw...

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The sharp white teeth, the horrid grin!

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And Rolfie said...

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May I come in?

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Poor Grandmamma was terrified.

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-He's going to eat me up!

-She cried.

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And she was absolutely right.

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He ate her up.

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In one big bite.

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WOLF SLURPS

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But Grandmamma was small and tough,

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and Rolfie wailed...

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That's not enough!

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I haven't yet begun to feel that I have had a decent meal!

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He ran around the kitchen yelping...

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I've got to have a...

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..second helping.

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Boo!

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THEY LAUGH

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This is for you.

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HORSE NEIGHS

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SNOW WHITE GASPS

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-Quick!

-SHE PANTS

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No!

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No! Snow White!

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Help! Help!

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RED RIDING HOOD GRUNTS

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HORSE NEIGHS

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A-agh! Red!

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SNOW WHITE SCREAMS

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Red!

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HORSE NEIGHS

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DOOR CREAKS

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In came the little girl in red.

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Grandma.

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She stopped.

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She stared.

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And then she said...

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What great big ears you have, Grandma.

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All the better to hear you with.

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What great big eyes you have, Grandma.

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All the better to see you with.

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He stood there watching her, and smiled.

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He thought...

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'I'm going to eat this child.'

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But, Grandma, what a lovely great big furry coat you have on.

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That's wrong! That's wrong!

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Have you forgot to tell me what big teeth I've got?

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Ah, well, no matter what you say,

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I'm going to eat you anyway.

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The small girl smiles, one eyelid flickers.

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She whips a pistol from her knickers.

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She aims it at the poor boy's head,

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and bang, bang, bang!

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ROLF GROANS

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She shoots him dead.

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Yes!

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Sorry.

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Fearing the worst, poor Snow White spake.

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She cried...

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Oh, please, give me a break!

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The knife was poised, the arm was strong.

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She cried again...

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I've done no wrong!

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The huntsman's heart began to flutter.

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It melted like a pound of butter.

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He murmured...

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OK.

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Beat it, kid!

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And you can bet your life she did.

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HUNTSMAN SIGHS

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Later, the huntsman made a stop,

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within the local butcher's shop.

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And there he bought, for safety's sake,

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a bullock's heart and one nice steak.

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HE EXHALES

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-Oh, Majesty! Oh, Queen!

-He cried.

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That rotten little girl has died.

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Ooh!

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-And just to prove I didn't cheat...

-Hmm?

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..I've brought along these bits of meat.

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Then...

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this is the disgusting part,

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the Queen sat down and ate the heart.

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OK, while all of this was going on,

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where, oh, where had Snow White gone?

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She found it easy, being pretty,

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to hitch a ride into the city.

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TYRES SCREECH

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And there she got a job, unpaid,

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as general cook and parlour maid,

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with seven funny little men,

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each one not more than three foot ten.

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Oh, thanks, love.

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Ex-horse race jockeys, all of them.

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HE LAUGHS

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'Red!'

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'Red!'

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A few days later, in the wood,

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I came across Miss Riding Hood.

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But what a change. No cloak of red.

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No silly hood upon her head.

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-Hello...

-She said.

-..and do please note,

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my lovely, furry, wolfskin coat.

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And...w-what happened to your other nephew?

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Patience.

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PIGS SNORT

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Come in, please.

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Please, have two seats.

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One each.

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How can I help?

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What, for example, would you say

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if, strolling through the woods one day,

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right there in front of you you saw

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a pig who'd built his house of straw?

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And here's another house for pigs,

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and this one will be built of twigs.

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HE SNORTS

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Both very promising.

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COINS RATTLE

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PIG CHUCKLES

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Very well done.

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Bacon, pork and ham?

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Oh, what a lucky wolf I am!

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-Hello!

-PIGS SQUEAL

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Two juicy little pigs, all right!

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HIS BELLY RUMBLES

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But still I am not satisfied.

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-Hmm!

-HE LAUGHS

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DOOR CREAKS

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PIG GASPS

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HE SIGHS

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HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

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I am sorry, Pig, things aren't pretty.

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I'm out of here, off to the city.

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I'm moving out of Grandma's shack.

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I fear I'll need my savings back.

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HE GULPS

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I'm sorry, Red, we're stony broke!

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Go out and find some wealthy bloke!

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The Seven Dwarves, though awfully nice,

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were guilty of one shocking vice.

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They squandered all of their resources

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at the race track backing horses.

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When they hadn't backed a winner,

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none of them got any dinner.

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THEIR BELLIES RUMBLE

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One evening, Snow White said...

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Look, here. I think I've got a great idea.

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Just leave it all to me, OK?

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And no more gambling till I say.

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Now, creeping quietly as a mouse,

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the wolf approached another house.

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A house which also had inside

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a little piggy trying to hide,

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but this one, Piggy Number Three,

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was bright and brainy as could be.

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No straw for him, no twigs or sticks.

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This pig had built his house of bricks.

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BELL RINGS

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-You'll not get me!

-The piggy cried.

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-I'll blow you down!

-The wolf replied.

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You'll need a lot of puff.

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And I don't think you've got enough.

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-If I can't blow it down...

-Rex said.

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..I'll have to blow it up instead!

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I'll come back in the dead of night

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and blow it up with dynamite!

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Oh, no. You brute!

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I might have known!

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Ooh!

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Then, picking up the telephone,

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Pig dialled as quickly as he could

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the number of Red Riding Hood.

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Hello?

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I need your help, Miss Hood.

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Oh, help me, please. Do you think you could?

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'I know you've dealt with wolves before'

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and now I've got one at my door!

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-My darling Pig...

-She said.

-..my sweet.

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That's something really up my street.

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I've just begun to wash my hair,

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but when it's dry, I'll be right there.

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That very night at eventide,

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young Snow White hitched another ride.

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And then, when it was very late,

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she slipped in through the palace gate.

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The footmen and the servants slept,

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so no-one saw her as she crept...

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FOOTMEN SNORE

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..on tiptoe through the mighty hall...

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..and grabbed the mirror off the wall.

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QUEEN SNORES

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QUEEN SNORES

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PIG SQUEALS

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PIG SQUEALS

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REX LAUGHS

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A short while later, there she stood,

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notorious Miss Riding Hood.

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Rex quickly charged, his eyes ablaze,

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and yellowish like mayonnaise.

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Once more, the maiden's eyelid flickers.

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She draws the pistol from her knickers.

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Once more she hit the vital spot.

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And killed him with a single shot.

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Ohhh...

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Pig, peeping through the window,

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-stood and yelled...

-Well done, Miss Riding Hood!

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Entrees vous.

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HE CHUCKLES

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Ta-dah!

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Wow.

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Please, have a seat, relax.

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Oh, no need to...

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Oh, sorry.

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VAULT DOOR CREAKS

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There we are. Gone. You didn't see anything.

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Er, why don't we put on something...

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-appropriate?

-MUSIC PLAYS

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Ooh, baby.

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And I've got a rather cheeky little white here, pour Madame!

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HE CHUCKLES AND SNIFFS

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Very nice. Oh!

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Ah, piglet.

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You must never trust...

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CORK SQUEEZES

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BANG

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..young ladies from the upper crust.

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SHE GASPS THEN LAUGHS

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When Snow White brought the mirror home,

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she told the senior dwarf or gnome...

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Wake up, come on!

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..to ask it what he wished to know.

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-Go on!

-She whispered.

-Have a go!

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He said...

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Oh, Mirror, please don't joke.

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Each one of us is stony broke.

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Which horse will win tomorrow's race?

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The Ascot Gold Cup Steeplechase?

0:23:160:23:19

The Mirror whispered sweet and low...

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The horse's name is Mistletoe.

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The dwarves went absolutely daft.

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THEY CHEER

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They kissed young Snow White fore and aft,

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then rushed away to raise some dough.

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With which to back old Mistletoe.

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MIRROR CLEARS ITS THROAT

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Red?

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Hey.

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RED SOBS

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They'd pawned their watches, sold the car,

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they'd borrowed money near and far.

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Guys?

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Meet Red.

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Hello.

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For much of it they had to thank the manager of Porkley's Bank.

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And now Miss Riding Hood, one notes,

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not only has two wolfskin coats,

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but when she goes from place to place,

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she has a pigskin travelling case.

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They bought some ice cream and, of course,

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for once, they backed the winning horse.

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Thereafter, every single day,

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the Mirror made the bookies pay.

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All nine of them each got a share

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and each was soon a millionaire,

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which shows that gambling's not a sin.

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Provided that you always win.

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SPEECH MUFFLED

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SHE SHOUTS AND BANGS THE DOOR

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Hmm...

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WOLF TUTS AND SIGHS

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-Hi, there!

-Hi!

-Oh, it's you already!

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Well, I'm still waiting for the baby-sitter.

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Mum, don't worry. I can look after him.

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Well, I guess she should be here any minute.

0:26:370:26:40

Ugh, Mum!

0:26:400:26:41

All right, you can read him a story.

0:26:430:26:45

Don't open the door for anyone but Miss Hunt.

0:26:470:26:49

-OK? Love you.

-Bye, Mum.

0:26:490:26:52

Bye, Mum!

0:26:520:26:54

Are they going to be all right?

0:26:550:26:57

They'll be absolutely fine...

0:26:570:26:58

BELL RINGS/DOOR CREAKS

0:27:090:27:12

DOORBELL RINGS

0:27:250:27:27

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