Part One ‹ Revolting Rhymes

Line	From	To
BELL RINGS AS DOOR OPENS	0:00:33	0:00:35
Ooh!	0:00:38	0:00:40
By gollykins!	0:00:40	0:00:41
Do you mind if I sit down?	0:00:42	0:00:43
N...No.	0:00:45	0:00:48
Sorry, please don't misunderstand.	0:00:50	0:00:53
I'm just being friendly.	0:00:53	0:00:55
You're, er...	0:00:56	0:00:58
You're a long way from home. What brings you here?	0:00:58	0:01:02
Oh, I'm waiting to meet an old friend.	0:01:02	0:01:05
What about you, young lady?	0:01:05	0:01:07
SHE GIGGLES	0:01:08	0:01:10
I'm waiting to babysit two adorable kids.	0:01:10	0:01:13
They live just over there.	0:01:14	0:01:16
Oh, you read them fairy stories.	0:01:18	0:01:20
Oh, yes!	0:01:20	0:01:22
Oh, they love their story time.	0:01:22	0:01:24
Little Red Riding Hood.	0:01:26	0:01:28
Don't like her.	0:01:29	0:01:31
And Snow White? She's actually a blonde!	0:01:34	0:01:36
Sorry?	0:01:38	0:01:39
"Happily ever after..." HE GRUNTS	0:01:39	0:01:42
Come on, now, they're just stories.	0:01:42	0:01:45
-You know? For children? -SHE CHUCKLES	0:01:45	0:01:48
I don't suppose you have family yourself?	0:01:48	0:01:50
Well, had. I had two nephews - Rolf and Rex.	0:01:52	0:01:56
Had?	0:01:57	0:01:59
Why? What happened?	0:01:59	0:02:01
Well, since you ask...	0:02:03	0:02:06
..once upon a time...	0:02:08	0:02:11
HE GROWLS	0:02:35	0:02:37
Flowers!	0:02:49	0:02:50
Flowers!	0:02:52	0:02:54
Would you like some flowers?	0:02:54	0:02:55
Flowers?	0:03:01	0:03:02
Very nice flowers.	0:03:05	0:03:06
SHE SIGHS	0:03:07	0:03:09
-MAN CLEARS THROAT -Oh!	0:03:10	0:03:13
SOLDIERS GRUNT	0:03:13	0:03:15
GIRL SOBS AND SNIFFS	0:03:15	0:03:17
(Please take one.)	0:03:20	0:03:22
BELL TOLLS	0:03:35	0:03:37
When little Snow White's mother died,	0:03:53	0:03:56
the King, her father, up and cried...	0:03:56	0:04:00
Oh, what a nuisance! What a life!	0:04:00	0:04:04
HE SOBS	0:04:04	0:04:06
Now I must find another wife!	0:04:06	0:04:10
It's never easy for a king to find himself that sort of thing.	0:04:10	0:04:14
CONGREGATION MURMURS	0:04:14	0:04:16
SNOW WHITE SOBS	0:04:30	0:04:32
Snow White!	0:04:48	0:04:50
PIG GRUNTS AND SNORTS	0:05:09	0:05:11
PIG GRUNTS THEN SIGHS	0:05:17	0:05:19
Piggy bank!	0:05:24	0:05:25
Very good, very good.	0:05:28	0:05:29
The King wrote to each magazine and said...	0:05:37	0:05:40
I'm looking for a queen.	0:05:40	0:05:42
At least 10,000 girls replied and begged to be the royal bride.	0:05:42	0:05:48
However, in the end he chose...	0:05:48	0:05:50
..a lady called Miss Maclahose.	0:05:51	0:05:54
THE KING SINGS	0:05:54	0:05:56
Who brought a mirror framed in brass.	0:05:56	0:05:59
Good morning.	0:05:59	0:06:00
A magic, talking, looking glass.	0:06:00	0:06:03
RED RIDING HOOD GIGGLES	0:06:03	0:06:05
Ask it something, day or night,	0:06:05	0:06:07
it always got the answer right.	0:06:07	0:06:09
Aww.	0:06:10	0:06:11
Go on!	0:06:11	0:06:12
For instance, if you were to say...	0:06:12	0:06:15
Oh, Mirror, what's for lunch today?	0:06:15	0:06:19
The thing would answer, in a trice...	0:06:19	0:06:21
Today it's scrambled eggs and rice.	0:06:21	0:06:24
DOOR CREAKS	0:06:24	0:06:26
There we are.	0:06:26	0:06:28
Din-dins.	0:06:28	0:06:30
GIRLS LAUGH	0:06:33	0:06:35
Oh, adorable!	0:06:37	0:06:39
Now, every day, week in, week out,	0:06:41	0:06:44
the spoilt and stupid Queen would shout...	0:06:44	0:06:47
Oh, Mirror, Mirror on the wall!	0:06:47	0:06:51
Who is fairest of them all?	0:06:51	0:06:53
The Mirror answered every time...	0:06:53	0:06:56
Oh, Madame, you're the queen sublime.	0:06:56	0:06:58
You're the only one to charm us.	0:06:58	0:07:01
Queen, you are the cat's pyjamas!	0:07:01	0:07:05
For ten whole years, the silly Queen	0:07:05	0:07:07
repeated her absurd routine,	0:07:07	0:07:11
then suddenly one awful day...	0:07:11	0:07:14
Hello, Snow White!	0:07:17	0:07:18
Hi! Ohh...	0:07:21	0:07:22
-SHE CHUCKLES -That's very sweet of you.	0:07:22	0:07:24
She heard the magic mirror say...	0:07:26	0:07:29
From now on, Queen, you're number two.	0:07:29	0:07:33
Snow White is prettier than you.	0:07:33	0:07:36
The Queen went absolutely wild.	0:07:36	0:07:38
She yelled...	0:07:38	0:07:39
I'm going to scrag that child!	0:07:39	0:07:42
I'll cook her flaming goose, I'll skin her!	0:07:42	0:07:46
I'll have her rotten guts for dinner!	0:07:46	0:07:49
She called the huntsman to her study.	0:07:49	0:07:51
HUNTSMAN!	0:07:51	0:07:53
Listen, buddy! You drag that filthy girl outside,	0:07:53	0:07:57
and see you take her for a ride!	0:07:57	0:08:00
Thereafter, slit her ribs apart,	0:08:00	0:08:03
and bring me back the bleeding heart!	0:08:03	0:08:08
HUNTSMAN GULPS	0:08:08	0:08:09
DOOR CREAKS	0:08:09	0:08:11
RED RIDING HOOD SIGHS	0:08:16	0:08:18
Thanks, Pig.	0:08:27	0:08:28
ROLF SNIFFS	0:08:35	0:08:37
REX GULPS BIG BAD WOLF GROWLS	0:08:43	0:08:45
REX WHIMPERS	0:08:53	0:08:55
BIG BAD WOLF SCOFFS	0:09:01	0:09:03
As soon as Rolf began to feel that he would like a decent meal...	0:09:05	0:09:11
..he went and knocked on Grandma's door.	0:09:16	0:09:19
KNOCK ON DOOR	0:09:19	0:09:22
When Grandma opened it, she saw...	0:09:22	0:09:25
The sharp white teeth, the horrid grin!	0:09:25	0:09:27
And Rolfie said...	0:09:27	0:09:30
May I come in?	0:09:30	0:09:32
Poor Grandmamma was terrified.	0:09:32	0:09:34
-He's going to eat me up! -She cried.	0:09:34	0:09:36
And she was absolutely right.	0:09:40	0:09:42
He ate her up.	0:09:42	0:09:43
In one big bite.	0:09:43	0:09:45
WOLF SLURPS	0:09:45	0:09:47
But Grandmamma was small and tough,	0:09:47	0:09:49
and Rolfie wailed...	0:09:49	0:09:51
That's not enough!	0:09:51	0:09:52
I haven't yet begun to feel that I have had a decent meal!	0:09:52	0:09:56
He ran around the kitchen yelping...	0:09:56	0:09:59
I've got to have a...	0:09:59	0:10:00
..second helping.	0:10:02	0:10:04
Boo!	0:10:16	0:10:17
THEY LAUGH	0:10:17	0:10:18
This is for you.	0:10:18	0:10:20
HORSE NEIGHS	0:10:23	0:10:25
SNOW WHITE GASPS	0:10:26	0:10:28
-Quick! -SHE PANTS	0:10:28	0:10:30
No!	0:10:34	0:10:35
No! Snow White!	0:10:35	0:10:37
Help! Help!	0:10:37	0:10:40
RED RIDING HOOD GRUNTS	0:10:42	0:10:44
HORSE NEIGHS	0:10:46	0:10:48
A-agh! Red!	0:10:48	0:10:50
SNOW WHITE SCREAMS	0:10:51	0:10:53
Red!	0:10:56	0:10:57
HORSE NEIGHS	0:10:59	0:11:01
DOOR CREAKS	0:11:07	0:11:09
In came the little girl in red.	0:11:11	0:11:13
Grandma.	0:11:13	0:11:15
She stopped.	0:11:15	0:11:16
She stared.	0:11:17	0:11:18
And then she said...	0:11:22	0:11:25
What great big ears you have, Grandma.	0:11:25	0:11:27
All the better to hear you with.	0:11:29	0:11:31
What great big eyes you have, Grandma.	0:11:31	0:11:35
All the better to see you with.	0:11:35	0:11:38
He stood there watching her, and smiled.	0:11:39	0:11:42
He thought...	0:11:43	0:11:44
'I'm going to eat this child.'	0:11:44	0:11:46
But, Grandma, what a lovely great big furry coat you have on.	0:11:48	0:11:54
That's wrong! That's wrong!	0:11:55	0:11:58
Have you forgot to tell me what big teeth I've got?	0:11:58	0:12:02
Ah, well, no matter what you say,	0:12:02	0:12:04
I'm going to eat you anyway.	0:12:04	0:12:08
The small girl smiles, one eyelid flickers.	0:12:08	0:12:11
She whips a pistol from her knickers.	0:12:11	0:12:14
She aims it at the poor boy's head,	0:12:14	0:12:16
and bang, bang, bang!	0:12:16	0:12:18
ROLF GROANS	0:12:18	0:12:20
She shoots him dead.	0:12:20	0:12:22
Yes!	0:12:22	0:12:23
Sorry.	0:12:24	0:12:26
Fearing the worst, poor Snow White spake.	0:12:30	0:12:34
She cried...	0:12:34	0:12:35
Oh, please, give me a break!	0:12:35	0:12:38
The knife was poised, the arm was strong.	0:12:38	0:12:42
She cried again...	0:12:42	0:12:43
I've done no wrong!	0:12:43	0:12:45
The huntsman's heart began to flutter.	0:12:45	0:12:49
It melted like a pound of butter.	0:12:49	0:12:52
He murmured...	0:12:57	0:12:58
OK.	0:12:58	0:13:00
Beat it, kid!	0:13:00	0:13:02
And you can bet your life she did.	0:13:02	0:13:05
HUNTSMAN SIGHS	0:13:05	0:13:08
Later, the huntsman made a stop,	0:13:08	0:13:10
within the local butcher's shop.	0:13:10	0:13:12
And there he bought, for safety's sake,	0:13:12	0:13:15
a bullock's heart and one nice steak.	0:13:15	0:13:17
HE EXHALES	0:13:17	0:13:20
-Oh, Majesty! Oh, Queen! -He cried.	0:13:20	0:13:23
That rotten little girl has died.	0:13:23	0:13:25
Ooh!	0:13:25	0:13:26
-And just to prove I didn't cheat... -Hmm?	0:13:26	0:13:30
..I've brought along these bits of meat.	0:13:30	0:13:33
Then...	0:13:35	0:13:36
this is the disgusting part,	0:13:36	0:13:39
the Queen sat down and ate the heart.	0:13:39	0:13:44
OK, while all of this was going on,	0:13:46	0:13:50
where, oh, where had Snow White gone?	0:13:50	0:13:52
She found it easy, being pretty,	0:13:55	0:13:57
to hitch a ride into the city.	0:13:57	0:14:00
TYRES SCREECH	0:14:06	0:14:08
And there she got a job, unpaid,	0:14:11	0:14:14
as general cook and parlour maid,	0:14:14	0:14:18
with seven funny little men,	0:14:18	0:14:21
each one not more than three foot ten.	0:14:21	0:14:24
Oh, thanks, love.	0:14:24	0:14:25
Ex-horse race jockeys, all of them.	0:14:25	0:14:28
HE LAUGHS	0:14:28	0:14:30
'Red!'	0:14:40	0:14:41
'Red!'	0:14:43	0:14:44
A few days later, in the wood,	0:14:50	0:14:54
I came across Miss Riding Hood.	0:14:54	0:14:56
But what a change. No cloak of red.	0:14:58	0:15:02
No silly hood upon her head.	0:15:02	0:15:06
-Hello... -She said. -..and do please note,	0:15:06	0:15:09
my lovely, furry, wolfskin coat.	0:15:09	0:15:13
And...w-what happened to your other nephew?	0:15:31	0:15:34
Patience.	0:15:35	0:15:37
PIGS SNORT	0:15:38	0:15:41
Come in, please.	0:15:41	0:15:42
Please, have two seats.	0:15:47	0:15:49
One each.	0:15:50	0:15:51
How can I help?	0:15:53	0:15:55
What, for example, would you say	0:15:55	0:15:58
if, strolling through the woods one day,	0:15:58	0:16:00
right there in front of you you saw	0:16:00	0:16:04
a pig who'd built his house of straw?	0:16:04	0:16:08
And here's another house for pigs,	0:16:09	0:16:12
and this one will be built of twigs.	0:16:12	0:16:14
HE SNORTS	0:16:16	0:16:18
Both very promising.	0:16:18	0:16:20
COINS RATTLE	0:16:23	0:16:25
PIG CHUCKLES	0:16:32	0:16:34
Very well done.	0:16:34	0:16:35
Bacon, pork and ham?	0:16:39	0:16:41
Oh, what a lucky wolf I am!	0:16:43	0:16:47
-Hello! -PIGS SQUEAL	0:16:47	0:16:49
Two juicy little pigs, all right!	0:16:53	0:16:56
HIS BELLY RUMBLES	0:16:56	0:16:57
But still I am not satisfied.	0:16:57	0:16:59
-Hmm! -HE LAUGHS	0:17:01	0:17:03
DOOR CREAKS	0:17:10	0:17:12
PIG GASPS	0:17:13	0:17:15
HE SIGHS	0:17:16	0:17:19
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT	0:17:19	0:17:21
I am sorry, Pig, things aren't pretty.	0:17:24	0:17:27
I'm out of here, off to the city.	0:17:27	0:17:30
I'm moving out of Grandma's shack.	0:17:31	0:17:33
I fear I'll need my savings back.	0:17:33	0:17:35
HE GULPS	0:17:35	0:17:37
I'm sorry, Red, we're stony broke!	0:17:37	0:17:41
Go out and find some wealthy bloke!	0:17:42	0:17:45
The Seven Dwarves, though awfully nice,	0:17:52	0:17:55
were guilty of one shocking vice.	0:17:55	0:17:58
They squandered all of their resources	0:17:58	0:18:01
at the race track backing horses.	0:18:01	0:18:03
When they hadn't backed a winner,	0:18:04	0:18:07
none of them got any dinner.	0:18:07	0:18:09
THEIR BELLIES RUMBLE	0:18:09	0:18:11
One evening, Snow White said...	0:18:14	0:18:17
Look, here. I think I've got a great idea.	0:18:17	0:18:20
Just leave it all to me, OK?	0:18:21	0:18:23
And no more gambling till I say.	0:18:23	0:18:26
Now, creeping quietly as a mouse,	0:18:28	0:18:32
the wolf approached another house.	0:18:32	0:18:35
A house which also had inside	0:18:35	0:18:38
a little piggy trying to hide,	0:18:38	0:18:41
but this one, Piggy Number Three,	0:18:41	0:18:44
was bright and brainy as could be.	0:18:44	0:18:48
No straw for him, no twigs or sticks.	0:18:48	0:18:51
This pig had built his house of bricks.	0:18:51	0:18:54
BELL RINGS	0:18:54	0:18:55
-You'll not get me! -The piggy cried.	0:18:55	0:18:59
-I'll blow you down! -The wolf replied.	0:18:59	0:19:03
You'll need a lot of puff.	0:19:03	0:19:04
And I don't think you've got enough.	0:19:05	0:19:07
-If I can't blow it down... -Rex said.	0:19:09	0:19:12
..I'll have to blow it up instead!	0:19:13	0:19:15
I'll come back in the dead of night	0:19:15	0:19:18
and blow it up with dynamite!	0:19:18	0:19:20
Oh, no. You brute!	0:19:20	0:19:23
I might have known!	0:19:23	0:19:24
Ooh!	0:19:24	0:19:25
Then, picking up the telephone,	0:19:27	0:19:30
Pig dialled as quickly as he could	0:19:30	0:19:32
the number of Red Riding Hood.	0:19:32	0:19:34
Hello?	0:19:34	0:19:35
I need your help, Miss Hood.	0:19:35	0:19:38
Oh, help me, please. Do you think you could?	0:19:38	0:19:41
'I know you've dealt with wolves before'	0:19:41	0:19:44
and now I've got one at my door!	0:19:44	0:19:48
-My darling Pig... -She said. -..my sweet.	0:19:49	0:19:52
That's something really up my street.	0:19:52	0:19:55
I've just begun to wash my hair,	0:19:55	0:19:57
but when it's dry, I'll be right there.	0:19:57	0:19:59
That very night at eventide,	0:20:03	0:20:07
young Snow White hitched another ride.	0:20:07	0:20:10
And then, when it was very late,	0:20:11	0:20:14
she slipped in through the palace gate.	0:20:14	0:20:17
The footmen and the servants slept,	0:20:20	0:20:23
so no-one saw her as she crept...	0:20:23	0:20:25
FOOTMEN SNORE	0:20:25	0:20:27
..on tiptoe through the mighty hall...	0:20:27	0:20:30
..and grabbed the mirror off the wall.	0:20:33	0:20:36
QUEEN SNORES	0:20:37	0:20:39
QUEEN SNORES	0:20:44	0:20:46
PIG SQUEALS	0:20:55	0:20:57
PIG SQUEALS	0:21:02	0:21:05
REX LAUGHS	0:21:05	0:21:06
A short while later, there she stood,	0:21:06	0:21:09
notorious Miss Riding Hood.	0:21:09	0:21:12
Rex quickly charged, his eyes ablaze,	0:21:12	0:21:16
and yellowish like mayonnaise.	0:21:16	0:21:18
Once more, the maiden's eyelid flickers.	0:21:18	0:21:21
She draws the pistol from her knickers.	0:21:21	0:21:24
Once more she hit the vital spot.	0:21:24	0:21:27
And killed him with a single shot.	0:21:28	0:21:31
Ohhh...	0:21:31	0:21:33
Pig, peeping through the window,	0:21:42	0:21:44
-stood and yelled... -Well done, Miss Riding Hood!	0:21:44	0:21:47
Entrees vous.	0:21:52	0:21:53
HE CHUCKLES	0:21:53	0:21:55
Ta-dah!	0:21:55	0:21:57
Wow.	0:21:57	0:21:58
Please, have a seat, relax.	0:22:01	0:22:04
Oh, no need to...	0:22:06	0:22:08
Oh, sorry.	0:22:08	0:22:09
VAULT DOOR CREAKS	0:22:09	0:22:11
There we are. Gone. You didn't see anything.	0:22:11	0:22:15
Er, why don't we put on something...	0:22:15	0:22:17
-appropriate? -MUSIC PLAYS	0:22:17	0:22:19
Ooh, baby.	0:22:19	0:22:21
And I've got a rather cheeky little white here, pour Madame!	0:22:21	0:22:26
HE CHUCKLES AND SNIFFS	0:22:26	0:22:28
Very nice. Oh!	0:22:28	0:22:30
Ah, piglet.	0:22:32	0:22:34
You must never trust...	0:22:36	0:22:38
CORK SQUEEZES	0:22:38	0:22:39
BANG	0:22:39	0:22:40
..young ladies from the upper crust.	0:22:40	0:22:44
SHE GASPS THEN LAUGHS	0:22:44	0:22:46
When Snow White brought the mirror home,	0:22:51	0:22:54
she told the senior dwarf or gnome...	0:22:54	0:22:56
Wake up, come on!	0:22:56	0:22:57
..to ask it what he wished to know.	0:22:57	0:22:59
-Go on! -She whispered. -Have a go!	0:22:59	0:23:01
He said...	0:23:06	0:23:08
Oh, Mirror, please don't joke.	0:23:08	0:23:11
Each one of us is stony broke.	0:23:11	0:23:14
Which horse will win tomorrow's race?	0:23:14	0:23:16
The Ascot Gold Cup Steeplechase?	0:23:16	0:23:19
The Mirror whispered sweet and low...	0:23:19	0:23:21
The horse's name is Mistletoe.	0:23:21	0:23:24
The dwarves went absolutely daft.	0:23:25	0:23:28
THEY CHEER	0:23:28	0:23:29
They kissed young Snow White fore and aft,	0:23:29	0:23:32
then rushed away to raise some dough.	0:23:32	0:23:34
With which to back old Mistletoe.	0:23:35	0:23:38
MIRROR CLEARS ITS THROAT	0:23:45	0:23:46
Red?	0:24:32	0:24:34
Hey.	0:24:35	0:24:36
RED SOBS	0:24:38	0:24:40
They'd pawned their watches, sold the car,	0:24:52	0:24:55
they'd borrowed money near and far.	0:24:55	0:24:58
Guys?	0:24:58	0:24:59
Meet Red.	0:25:00	0:25:02
Hello.	0:25:02	0:25:03
For much of it they had to thank the manager of Porkley's Bank.	0:25:04	0:25:09
And now Miss Riding Hood, one notes,	0:25:12	0:25:15
not only has two wolfskin coats,	0:25:15	0:25:18
but when she goes from place to place,	0:25:18	0:25:20
she has a pigskin travelling case.	0:25:20	0:25:23
They bought some ice cream and, of course,	0:25:26	0:25:28
for once, they backed the winning horse.	0:25:28	0:25:32
Thereafter, every single day,	0:25:32	0:25:34
the Mirror made the bookies pay.	0:25:34	0:25:37
All nine of them each got a share	0:25:37	0:25:39
and each was soon a millionaire,	0:25:39	0:25:43
which shows that gambling's not a sin.	0:25:43	0:25:45
Provided that you always win.	0:25:48	0:25:51
SPEECH MUFFLED	0:25:51	0:25:53
SHE SHOUTS AND BANGS THE DOOR	0:25:57	0:25:59
Hmm...	0:26:01	0:26:03
WOLF TUTS AND SIGHS	0:26:07	0:26:09
-Hi, there! -Hi! -Oh, it's you already!	0:26:24	0:26:27
Well, I'm still waiting for the baby-sitter.	0:26:28	0:26:30
Mum, don't worry. I can look after him.	0:26:30	0:26:33
Well, I guess she should be here any minute.	0:26:37	0:26:40
Ugh, Mum!	0:26:40	0:26:41
All right, you can read him a story.	0:26:43	0:26:45
Don't open the door for anyone but Miss Hunt.	0:26:47	0:26:49
-OK? Love you. -Bye, Mum.	0:26:49	0:26:52
Bye, Mum!	0:26:52	0:26:54
Are they going to be all right?	0:26:55	0:26:57
They'll be absolutely fine...	0:26:57	0:26:58
BELL RINGS/DOOR CREAKS	0:27:09	0:27:12
DOORBELL RINGS	0:27:25	0:27:27

Part One Revolting Rhymes

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Revolting Rhymes

Part Two

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