Part Two Revolting Rhymes


Part Two

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VOICE ON RADIO

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RADIO FALLS SILENT

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Mum...

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I don't want you to go.

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Oh, sweetie, you love Miss Hunt.

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Ugh, he's such a baby.

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-Don't be silly.

-I'm not a baby!

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-Yes. Yes, you are.

-No, I'm not!

-You are a baby.

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Guys, no fighting.

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-No, I'm not!

-Guys... DOORBELL RINGS

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-Hi, there!

-Hi.

-It's you already.

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-I'm still waiting for the baby-sitter.

-Mum...

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Don't worry, I can look after him.

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SHE SIGHS

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I guess she should be here any minute.

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Ugh, Mum...

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All right. You can read him a story.

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Don't open the door for anyone but Miss Hunt.

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OK?

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-Love you!

-Bye, Mum!

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Bye, Mum.

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SHE GIGGLES

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-DOORBELL RINGS

-Ugh...

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Miss Hunt?

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Yes.

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SHE GASPS

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It's a giant wolf.

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A giant, hungry wolf.

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Can you show me the kitchen, little boy?

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Haven't you had any dinner yet?

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-That's strange.

-I thought I'd have a bite here.

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What do you like most?

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Mmm, I think I like...

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you. BOY GIGGLES

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And I like you!

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CHOPPING

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What are you doing?

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I'm preparing the vegetables.

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I'm cutting onions, cooking potatoes.

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And then I'm going to eat you up!

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SHE GASPS

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HE GIGGLES

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But...it's...

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..story time.

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Yes! Story time!

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TICKING

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All right, story time.

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Let me tell you a story about...

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No.

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Not just one story.

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Two kids, two stories.

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That's story time.

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Yeah, two stories.

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Today, it's...

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Jack And The Beanstalk, and...

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Well, you can't tell Jack's story without Cinderella's.

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Cinderella?

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Oh, she always wants to hear it all the time!

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Cindy loses her shoe and instead she gets the Prince.

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Aha!

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You think you know these stories.

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You don't. The real ones are much more gory.

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The phoney ones - the ones you know -

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were cooked up years and years ago

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And made to sound all soft and sappy

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Just to keep the children happy.

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Cinderella!

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For instance, did you know that Jack and Cindy were neighbours?

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Ugh...

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Cindy?

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HE SIGHS

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The Ugly Sisters, fat and tall,

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Were hellbent for the Palace Ball.

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THEY SIGH

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Hmph.

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Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah!

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Oh...

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Huh?

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-Oh, have that.

-Oh.

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THEY BELCH

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Oh...

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Mmm.

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Huh? Where's the jam?

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Cinderella!

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Get her.

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Huh?

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HE SIGHS

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SHE SNIFFS

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Hmm...

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-"Get her, get her."

-Huh?

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-DOOR CREAKS

-Ugh...

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-Cindy!

-Ah!

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Oh, Cindy.

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THEY GROWL

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No jam for Cindy!

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BANG!

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Ah! Ow! Oof.

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THEY CACKLE

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Jack!

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You creep.

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-We're stony broke!

-COW MOOS

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Go out and find some wealthy bloke

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Who'll buy our cow. Just say she's sound

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And worth at least...

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£100.

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But don't you dare to let him know

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That she's as old as billy-o.

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COW MOOS

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HE GASPS

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Welcome.

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Huh?

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Jack gave the old brown cow away,

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And came back later in the day.

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Oh!

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When he produced one lousy bean,

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His startled mother, turning green,

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Leaped high up in the air and cried...

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I'm absolutely stupefied!

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You crazy boy! Do you really mean

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You sold our Daisy for a bean?

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-She snatched the bean. She yelled...

-You chump!

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And flung it on the rubbish dump.

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Then summoning up all her power,

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She beat the boy for half an hour,

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Using - and nothing could be meaner...

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Hmm. Erm...

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..The handle of a vacuum cleaner.

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HE LAUGHS

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The Ugly Sisters, jewels and all,

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Departed for the Palace Ball.

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THEY CHEER

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Help!

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Oh, help!

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Please!

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Hmm?

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Let me out!

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The Magic Fairy heard her shout.

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CINDERELLA SOBS

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Appearing in a blaze of light,

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-She said...

-My dear, are you all right?

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All right?

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All right?!

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Why, can't you see

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I feel as rotten as can be?!

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She beat her fist against the wall

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-And shouted...

-Get me to the Ball!

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Hmm.

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There is a disco at the Palace.

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The rest have gone and I am...

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jealous!

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I want a dress, I want a coach.

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And earrings and a diamond brooch.

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And silver slippers, two of those,

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And lovely nylon panty hose.

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Done up like that I'll guarantee

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The handsome Prince will fall for...me.

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-The fairy said...

-Hang on a tick.

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She gave her wand a mighty flick.

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And keep in mind you'll lose your frock

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If you're not home by 12 o'clock.

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CROWD GASPS

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-CAMERAS CLICK

-Hello.

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SNORING

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A piece of advice - the love of your life could be right under your nose,

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you just don't know it cos you're not smelling hard enough.

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Ooh!

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It made the Ugly Sister wince

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To see her dancing with the Prince.

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THEY GASP

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She held him very tight and pressed

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Herself against his manly chest.

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SNORING

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DISTANT MUSIC

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At 10pm or thereabout,

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The little bean began to sprout.

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The Prince himself was turned to pulp.

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All he could do was gasp and gulp.

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LATIN MUSIC PLAYS

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SHE SNORES

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Then midnight struck.

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-BONG!

-Oh, no!

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Oh, heck!

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I've got to run to save my neck!

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-The Prince cried...

-No! Alas! Alack!

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He grabbed her dress to hold her back.

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-As Cindy shouted...

-Let me go!

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The dress was ripped from head to toe.

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CROWD GASPS

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She ran out in her underwear,

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And lost one slipper on the stair.

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The Prince was on it like a dart,

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He pressed it to his pounding heart.

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-The girl this slipper fits...

-He cried.

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..Tomorrow morn shall be my bride!

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CROWD GASPS

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Then, rather carelessly, I fear,

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He placed it on a keg of beer.

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At once, one of the Ugly Sisters,

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The one whose face was blotched with blisters

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Sneaked up and grabbed the dainty shoe,

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And quickly flushed it down the loo.

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Then in its place she calmly put

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The slipper from her own right foot.

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That's not fair.

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Aha, you see, the plot grows thicker,

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And Cindy's luck starts looking sicker.

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-DOOR SLAMS

-Mum!

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Mum!

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Muuuuuu...!

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Mum, admit it now.

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It's better than a rotten cow!

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You little creep, you lunatic!

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Where are the beans that I can pick?

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There's not one bean! It's bare as bare!

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No, Mother, look up there!

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Look very high and you'll behold

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Each single leaf is solid gold!

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SHE GASPS

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By gollikins, my sainted souls,

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I'll sell the Mini, buy a Rolls!

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Don't stand and gape, you little clot!

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Get up there quick and grab the lot!

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Jack was nimble. Jack was keen.

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He scrambled up the mighty bean.

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HE GROANS

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Up, up he went without a stop,

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But just as he was near the top,

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A ghastly, frightening thing occurred -

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Not far above his head he heard

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A big, deep voice, a rumbling thing

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That made the very heavens ring.

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GROWLING

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Fee, fi, fo, fum,

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I smell the blood of an Englishman!

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HE SNIFFS

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HE GROWLS

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Aaaaaaaaah!

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Oh, Mumsy, dear, believe you me,

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There's something nasty up our tree!

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I saw him, Mum, my gizzard froze!

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A giant with a clever nose!

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BAND PLAYS EXUBERANTLY

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Meanwhile, in town, the tension grew.

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Who was the owner of the shoe? WHISTLE

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The shoe was long and very wide.

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A normal foot got lost inside. WHISTLE

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Also it smelled a wee bit icky.

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The owner's feet were hot and sticky.

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SHE GIGGLES

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He smelled me out, I swear it, Mum!

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He said he smelled an Englishman!

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Ow!

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And well he might!

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I've told you every single night

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To take a bath because you smell,

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But would you do it? Would you hell!

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You even make your mother shrink

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Because of your unholy stink!

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Well, darling Mum, if you're so clean,

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Why don't you climb the crazy bean?

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By gollikins, by gad...

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I will.

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There's life within the old dog still!

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SHE LAUGHS

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BAND PLAYS EXUBERANTLY

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WHISTLE

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WHISTLE

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WHISTLE HE SIGHS

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Now came the Ugly Sisters' go.

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Hmm!

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SHE SNORTS

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-Ah!

-She tried it on.

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Do-do-do-doo!

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-The Prince screamed...

-No!

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-But she screamed...

-Yes, it fits! Whoopee!

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So now you've got to marry me!

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The Prince went white from ear to ear.

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-He muttered...

-Let me out of here.

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Oh, no, you don't, you made a vow.

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There's no way you can back out now!

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-Off with her head!

-The Prince roared back.

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They chopped it off with one big whack.

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Catch me, then!

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This pleased the Prince. He smiled and said,

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She's prettier without the head.

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LAUGHTER

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-Next!

-WHISTLE

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By gollikins, the boy was right.

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SHE SQUEALS

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Now, would the Giant smell Jack's mum?

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He listened for the fee, fo, fum.

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He gazed aloft. He wondered when

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The dreaded words would come... And then...

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From somewhere high above the ground

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There came a frightful crunching sound.

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HE WHIMPERS

0:17:350:17:37

Ahem. He heard the Giant mutter twice...

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.."By gosh, that tasted very nice.

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"Although..."

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And this in grumpy tones

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"..I wish there weren't so many bones."

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HE LAUGHS

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By Christopher, by gum,

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The Giant's eaten up my mum.

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He smelled her out. She's in his belly.

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I had a hunch that she was smelly.

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CHILDREN LAUGH

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Jack stood there gazing longingly

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Upon the huge and golden tree.

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-He murmured softly...

-Golly-gosh,

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I guess I'll have to take a wash

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If I'm going to climb that tree

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Without the Giant smelling me.

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SHE YAWNS

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Huh?

0:18:510:18:52

Hmm...

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In fact, a bath's my only hope.

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He rushed indoors and grabbed the soap.

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He scrubbed his body everywhere.

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He even washed and rinsed his hair.

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He did his teeth, he blew his nose...

0:19:100:19:12

HONK!

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..And went out smelling like a rose.

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WHISTLE

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BAND PLAY LETHARGICALLY

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Then up came Sister Number Two,

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-Who yelled...

-Now I will try the shoe!

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-Try this instead.

-The Prince yelled back.

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He swung his trusty sword and smack.

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In the kitchen, peeling spuds,

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Cinderella heard the thuds

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Of bouncing heads upon the floor,

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And poked her own head round the door.

0:19:440:19:46

What the...?

0:19:460:19:47

Hoo! Ha!

0:19:470:19:50

-What's all the racket?

-Cindy cried.

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-Mind your own bizz.

-The Prince replied.

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Poor Cindy's heart was torn to shreds.

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My dashing Prince, he chops off heads!

0:19:590:20:04

How could I marry anyone

0:20:040:20:06

Who does that sort of thing for fun?

0:20:060:20:09

Hmm?

0:20:090:20:10

Who's this dirty mutt?

0:20:110:20:13

Off with her nut! Ha! Off with her nut!

0:20:130:20:15

Off with her nut!

0:20:150:20:17

-Off with her nut!

-Off with her nut!

0:20:170:20:19

GROWLING

0:20:190:20:21

HE SNIFFS

0:20:240:20:25

Fee, fi, fo, fum.

0:20:250:20:31

HE SNIFFS

0:20:310:20:33

Right now I can't smell anyone.

0:20:330:20:37

Jack waited till the Giant slept,

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Then out along the boughs he crept.

0:20:420:20:45

SNORING

0:20:450:20:47

WHISTLING

0:20:580:21:00

THUD!

0:21:000:21:02

Jack gathered so much gold, I swear

0:21:110:21:15

He was an instant millionaire.

0:21:150:21:18

HE GASPS

0:21:280:21:30

Huh?

0:21:390:21:40

Oh...

0:21:400:21:42

And Cindy?

0:21:580:21:59

Well...

0:22:010:22:02

CINDY PANTS

0:22:020:22:04

-Off with her nut!

-Off with her nut!

0:22:040:22:06

-Off with her nut!

-Off with her nut!

0:22:100:22:12

-Off with her nut!

-Off with her nut!

0:22:130:22:15

-Off with her nut!

-Off with her nut!

0:22:160:22:19

-Off with her nut!

-Off with her nut!

-Off with her nut!

-Off with her nut!

0:22:190:22:21

-Off with her nut!

-Oh!

0:22:210:22:23

GLASS TINKLES

0:22:230:22:25

Oh!

0:22:250:22:26

HE CHUCKLES

0:22:260:22:28

Off with your nut.

0:22:280:22:29

Help!

0:22:290:22:30

And then?

0:22:340:22:36

Well...

0:22:380:22:39

What?

0:22:400:22:42

What's wrong with you?

0:22:420:22:44

Er...

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Just then, all in a blaze of light,

0:22:480:22:52

The Magic Fairy hove in sight.

0:22:520:22:54

Ah!

0:22:540:22:55

Her magic wand went swoosh and swish.

0:22:550:22:59

Come on now, Cindy, make a wish!

0:22:590:23:01

Wish anything and have no doubt...

0:23:080:23:11

"That I will make it come about."

0:23:110:23:13

Cindy answered...

0:23:140:23:15

No more princes, no more money.

0:23:160:23:20

I've had my taste of honey.

0:23:200:23:22

Whoa!

0:23:270:23:28

Argh!

0:23:290:23:31

RIBBIT!

0:23:350:23:37

I'm wishing for a decent man.

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They're hard to find. Do you think you can?

0:23:410:23:44

Huh?

0:23:510:23:52

BELL TINKLES

0:24:220:24:23

A short while later, Cinderella

0:24:510:24:53

Was married to a lovely fella.

0:24:530:24:55

A simple jam maker by trade,

0:24:570:24:59

Who sold good home-made marmalade.

0:24:590:25:01

CINDY GIGGLES

0:25:030:25:05

-Mmm.

-Looks like a bath does seem to pay.

0:25:100:25:13

I'm going to have one every day.

0:25:150:25:17

CHILDREN LAUGH

0:25:170:25:19

Their house was filled with smiles and laughter.

0:25:190:25:22

And they were happy ever after.

0:25:260:25:30

TICKING

0:25:390:25:41

ALARM RINGS

0:25:410:25:43

Thank you.

0:25:530:25:55

I loved it.

0:25:550:25:57

-Bye.

-Goodnight.

-See you next Friday.

-Get home safely.

0:25:570:26:00

-SNORING

-Hmm?

0:26:040:26:06

FLOORBOARD CREAKS

0:26:170:26:19

SHE GASPS

0:26:210:26:23

You.

0:26:240:26:26

Goodbye, Red.

0:26:270:26:28

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