03/11/2015 River City

There's no rush.

Where's my phone?

Cal's probably on that game again. Just use mine.

It's not like you'll be needing yours today anyway. How not?

Erm, any pockets in that dress?

But what if I need it for something? Something to do with the wedding?

You won't. I've planned everything down to the last detail.

All you have to do is sit back and enjoy yourself.

This is going to be the greatest wedding ever

This is going to be the greatest wedding ever.

This wedding's RUINED!

Calm down, it's only a tiara.

Were you maybe playing with it and put it down somewhere?

No. Her wee dress'll not look right without it.

Don't talk daft. She'll look great.

Especially after Robbie's done her hair. If he ever gets here.

He should have been here at half past!

And where's Kelly-Marie? We've got a schedule to stick to!

Scarlett, kick-off's not for hours.

Calm down, you'll give yourself a stroke.

Listen, Jimmy, I will calm down when everything's sorted.

Where do you think you're going? Lenny phoned from the hospital.

He's being kept in a bit longer

so he wants me to take in the books for the cab office.

What, right now? I need you here!

I'll only be about 20 minutes. I feel for the bloke.

You help your mum, all right? Look for this tiara?

I'll not be long.

PHONE RINGS OUT

'Please leave your message after the tone.'

Robbie, gonnae just phone us at my ma's?

I just need to talk to someone.

Right, all set? Yep.

I'll drop you round at your mum's.

After the wedding, will my name be Cal McAllister?

After the wedding, will my name be Cal McAllister?

Is that what you'd like?

Yes! Well, you need to ask your mum about it.

It's kinda up to her.

Please, Mummy, please!

Is that the one with the custard filling?

Aye. Do you want it? Ugh, no danger.

You're expecting lovely jam but you get a mouthful of yellow boak.

So jam then, aye?

Pink or chocolate? I cannae mind which one I got the last time.

You could just have them both?

Er, I might look like Victoria Beckham

but I don't have her cash.

Is she still minted?

I heard she blew everything she had on doughnuts.

I'll take the pink one.

There you are. You're no answering your door.

Aye, cos I'm no in. OK, but I really need the rent.

What rent? The rent you owe me.

I paid that when we moved in!

That was the deposit. The rent's still outstanding.

I need seven hundred quid. Pronto.

Where am I supposed to get that from?

It's not my problem.

You knew how much the rent was when you signed the lease.

So... When can you get it to me?

You landlords are all the same.

Growing rich off the backs of the poor.

Well, you can sing for your rent. Capitalist scum. Thanks.

Hey. You never paid for that.

Why are folk always picking on us? It's started round here already.

Why are folk always picking on us? It's started round here already.

Or, how about this question,

"Why have I just had to sub Drew his lunch money again?"

This is my baby-sitting stash.

You owe me three quid.

Great, you have a go and all.

And when I've just been and bought you a lucky bun.

You've got your chemistry exam today.

So I got you the same breakfast you had when you did that other test.

Physics? Aye. That I failed?

Away, you never fail anything. I do at this school.

Well, you'll soon catch up. You've got my brains.

What part of that was supposed to be reassuring? Eh?

Er, newsflash.

Unlike you, I actually want to make something of my life.

Aye, whatever.

You want a Pink Jammie? Aye, please.

What you doing?

We're going to have a movie morning.

If anybody comes to the door, we're not in.

Especially if it's that rip-off merchant of a landlord.

Aw! What? It's custard!

Thanks.

Right, you be a good boy for Alex, OK? OK.

I'll see you at the hotel. Is that it?

This is the last time we're going to see each other

before our wedding and that's the best you can do?

Sorry. It's just hitting me that this is really happening.

I thought we were over all this?

That you'd come round to this being the best option for everyone?

I had. But marriage is forever...

Er, yeah. Isn't that the point?

I need you to know I'm going nowhere.

I'm always going to be around to protect you and the kids.

Well, I wouldn't need protecting

if you hadn't brought trouble to the door in the first place.

One mistake, Kel, and you need to let it go.

Just like I let it go when you screwed the staff.

Don't talk like that.

I'm just saying, if you think you can find someone else,

then be my guest.

But he won't love you like I do. Not even close.

I know you're not certain,

but I'm sure enough for the both of us.

You marry me today and you'll never regret it.

I promise.

OK?

OK.

So, we're going to do this thing?

Of course we are.

Right, well, put a smile on that beautiful face, eh?

That's better.

Right. See you later.

See you later, darling? Bye.

Remember and put that seatbelt back on.

I'll sort it.

You all strapped in? We better get going.

Well, look who it isn't.

I called you the other day

but somehow you'd given me the wrong number.

Now...how could that have happened?

Hiya. Hi.

He's cute. Is he yours?

No.

So just the bride with the bump, then?

I don't know what you're talking about.

I just saw her getting out of this car.

Pregnant woman, carrying a wedding dress?

No idea who you're talking about.

I'd take a punt her name is...

Kelly-Marie Adams?

That's my mum. She's getting married.

Yeah? And who's she getting married to.

Him.

Guilty as charged.

OK. You need to go.

Funny, last time I saw you, you were begging me to stay...

I do need to go actually,

I've got a last minute booking to do hair for a bridal party,

9 Montego Street.

Small world, eh?

You're not going near my fiancee.

But who's going to do her hair for the big day?

See you.

I need that rent to pay my dad's mortgage.

I could have told you this would happen.

So why didn't you?

All right, I need best man gags and I need them now.

Sorry, pal, my funny bone's left the building.

What am I going to do?

I mean I need to stand up in front of everybody

and make a speech about a guy I hardly know.

I'm seriously short on content.

Right, you need to calm down.

Find a starting point, you'll be fine.

All right, what would you say about Alex McAllister?

First thing that comes into your head.

He's a bit up himself?

Aye, right enough. I see your problem.

I can't believe you're leaving me to face this on my own.

I mean, what's more important?

Going to Las Vegas or going to my sister's wedding?

I tried to change the flights. Anyway, I'm doing this for us.

And for a suntan. And a show.

It's not my fault that Buster got concert tickets.

So when are you gonnae pack him in? Before or after the big gig?

After. He might give my ticket to somebody else.

See, that's what I mean.

It's Britney Spears!

Bob, come on - the whole time I'm there,

I'll only be thinking of you.

And stop worrying about your speech. You're gonnae be amazing.

That's the books for the last quarter.

Cheers.

Listen, if they're keeping you in, is there anything you need?

Grapes, magazines or something?

Wee bit of conversation would be nice.

As you can see, I'm no exactly besieged with visitors.

Aye, well, I cannae hang about. I've got this wedding the day.

That's still on?

You didn't think Kelly-Marie would pull out did you?

I didn't think she was daft enough to get involved with

the Kennedy clan in the first place.

Shows what I know.

It's beyond me as well.

Still, maybe she actually loves the guy.

Not possible. He's a weasel.

Aye, well, she's had previous with picking eejits.

There was nothing we could do then and nothing we can do now.

It's no over till the fat lady sings.

Give that to Kelly.

Make sure she reads it.

He's still not answering. Do you think I should call the police?

Away you go, he'll have been out on the randan and is sleeping it off.

He wouldn't do that. He knows I need him today.

Oh, don't you worry. You'll be safe in the hands of Angel.

Oh, I'm telling you.

This head massage is something else, by the way.

I'm supposed to be stressed about something,

but I cannae mind what it is...

That's the Cava, hen.

All part of the service.

Sorry, took longer than I thought.

Ach, we're managing fine without you.

It's all very calm in here.

Angel's sorted everything.

Even Madonna's tiara.

Aye, she broke it in two and hid it behind the couch.

Oh, kids will be kids.

Angel's fixing it with her special nail glue.

Sounds like Angel knows what's what.

Yup. You better believe it.

Get started on the locks.

RINGTONE: Young Hearts Run Free by Candi Staton

Robbie, it's me - again.

Look, I'm starting to get worried for you.

So, please, when you get this, just gonnae call me.

Still no word? It just disnae feel right, him no being here.

It feels like the whole wedding's starting out on the wrong foot.

I'm sure he'll get here as soon as he can.

Is that...all that's bothering you?

Look, Jimmy, I'm sorry that you're not going to give me away.

Alex thought it would be more "modern"

if we walked down the aisle together.

Whatever makes you happy.

Here. What's this? Something Lenny wanted you to have.

I don't believe this...

What does it say?

He's saying he doesn't mind if I want to leave.

Take Cal with me. Have a fresh start without Alex.

Why?

I mean, he's always said he'd never let me take Cal away from him.

Sounds like he wants you to know that you've got choices.

And you do.

I know it doesn't feel like that with the wee one on the way,

but...nothing is set in stone.

Jimmy, don't. I've made my mind up. I'm doing this.

Load it up.

Morning.

Sorry. It's ladies only in here just now.

All right, girls? You're not meant to be here yet!

Is everything OK? Where's Cal? In the car.

I just came back because I forgot to give you something this morning.

Your wedding present.

Right, um...I hadn't really thought to get you anything.

You're all I need.

Oh.

I thought you could wear them today.

I've already got something - an old pair of my ma's.

Not as good as these ones, though, eh? No.

What's this?

Er, that's just, um... something from Lenny.

I'm guessing it's not a congratulations card.

I'll deal with it. No, I... I better shoot.

Um, Angel? Can I have a word with you outside, please? Oh, aye?

She's doing a great job.

I just want to make sure she's adequately rewarded.

See you later, ladies. Don't you be late, Alex!

You've got some front.

You've got some front.

You even think about telling Kelly-Marie

about us spending the night together...

SHE GASPS IN PAIN ..and I will destroy you.

Is that clear?

Yes. Mm-hm.

Och!

Och!

I forgot to buy green cardamom pods!

So use the black ones, then. In my Haggis Tikka Masala?

Are you trying to insult my cultural heritage?

I think your recipe's doing that all by itself.

Er, it's called "fusion"?

Haggis Tikka Masala's my signature pie.

I still think you should be starting simply. No, no, no, no!

I need to create a bit of a buzz,

give the punters a bit of the old bling.

As long as you're not giving them a bit of the old "Delhi Belly". Ha(!)

Hey! Everything OK?

Could not be better. With these facilities and this genius,

what could possibly go wrong?

The, er... Ahem!

..pie's the limit.

Now, you still have to try and sell them. Oh, talking of which,

you did say that you'd maybe see your way to doing me a wee favour?

Pretty please?

Right, for one day only. After that, you're doing your own promo. Aw!

Thanks, love. SHE SIGHS

She'll do anything for me. Correction!

I'll do anything to get away from the smell of that haggis curry.

It's making me gag. Aye, love you too, honey bun!

HE LAUGHS

Am I sensing a bit of creative tension in the kitchen? Och, no.

We've been living on top of each other since we got here.

Sometimes a maestro needs his space. Right, well, I'll leave you to it.

No, no, you're welcome to stay. It's just the wife I needed shot of.

No more calls. No more texts.

No more calls. No more texts.

No more letters.

Stay away from my wife. Wife?

That's some chickens you're counting.

Face it, Lenny.

I'm in Kelly and Cal's life for the duration.

And if you want to be too, keep your nose out.

I'd hate to see you have any kind of...unexpected setback

in your recovery.

Are you threatening me? I dunno. Am I?

Now, if you excuse me, Cal's outside.

We need to get changed and get to the venue.

You should've brought the boy in.

Oh, no, I've told him that you're not up to visitors.

Or weddings. On account of you being so sick. And old.

He understands.

DOOR CLOSES

SNORING

Oi, you! Wake up!

I'm up, Mum. I'm up.

HE SCREAMS

Right, out!

What the actual...? Who do you think you are?!

Someone who doesn't appreciate punters

using my toilet as a dosshouse!

Now, get out. It's nearly lunchtime.

Any decent person would be at their work.

For your information, I have the day off!

I'm going to a wedding.

Oh, my God!

I know this isn't what you had in mind, but just try and relax, OK?

Oh, no, I... I think what you're doing's great.

So, is this your first time down the aisle?

Aye. Well, I was engaged once,

but it didn't really work out.

No? No. He couldn't keep it in his pants. Once a guy strays...

Well, that's the end of it, in't it?

I dunno.

Not that I'm one to talk.

How do you mean?

I had a moment with someone.

Before I got pregnant.

Oh.

OK.

I don't even know why I'm telling you this.

Look, I'm a hairdresser.

It's what happens.

Artisan pies - residency at the Tall Ship.

A pound off your first purchase.

Pie of the week? Pie of the week - Haggis Tikka Masala.

Oh! Sorry!

It was a one-off, with an old friend.

When things weren't going good with me and Alex. Does Alex know?

Aye, I told him straight.

I thought he would dump me, but he didnae.

It's like there's nothing I can do that's bad enough for him to end it.

I wish I hadnae told him about it now, though.

He's always going to have something on me.

Yeah, I'm sure he's made some mistakes of his own.

Oh, he has.

But he's never been unfaithful to me.

I mean, that's got to be the worst, in't it?

There's no excuse that makes that better.

Look, Kelly-Marie, I know we don't know each other, but I like you.

There's something you should... DOOR OPENS

I am so sorry! Where have you been?! It's a long story, but I'm here now!

You?! Are you here to poach more of my clients?!

Nice try, but I'll take over and sort it out.

Robbie! You're reeking! You need to get up the road and sober up!

But what about your hair? It's fine. I'm happy with what Angel's doing.

Really?! That's not what we planned...

Well, she was here and you werenae! I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

Forget it. And listen, forget that message I left this morning.

Everything's fine between me and Alex now. Is there a problem?

No, not any more. Right, go on, beat it.

Oh, here he is!

I'd offer you a wee glass, but I think you've had one too many!

What were you thinking?! I'm here now!

Look, there's still time. Robbie!

All right, all right, I'm going.

Just...is that fringe meant to be like that?

ALL: Out!

Ah! So we meet again? Oh, hiya!

Oh, listen, can I dump a couple these money-off vouchers with you?

My husband's trying out new pies at the pub.

The special is a Haggis Tikka Masala.

HE GULPS: Excuse me.

SOFT PIANO PLAYING

Mind what I told you about this?

This is what a Scotsman wears in his sock.

But it's not a toy, so no playing with it? Deal?

Deal. Excellent, right.

In it goes.

Right, how do we look? Hmm? How's our hair?

Good!

Aw! Look who's got a Mini-Me.

I thought I'd drop by to wish you well,

since my invite must've got lost in the post.

No, you can't be here.

And yet I am.

You must be Callum.

I've got a dagger in my sock.

Oh? Me and you are going to get on just great!

Can I help you?

I'm trying to get hold of your mum. Yeah, well, she's not in.

I saw the curtains twitch. The wee ones aren't in school today.

Well, can you give her a message for me?

Tell her that, if she can't find the rent, I'm going to have to find

other tenants that can, or the house is going to be repossessed.

And, er, while you're at it, your wee brother and sister

shouldn't be home alone, not if they're sick.

The social would have something to say about that.

You leave my lassie alone!

Harassing a child! Is that how you get your kicks? Get in, you!

I only want my rent! Aye, and the rest.

If I catch you hanging about this door again,

I'll call the police and have you put on that register! What?!

Artisan pies in residence at the Tall Ship.

A pound off your first purchase. Thank you.

Paedo!

Anyway, the pie of the week is Haggis Tikka Masala.

Thanks, I think I'll pass.

I'm not a paedo.

I'm a landlord.

Mum, please don't screw this up for us.

We've finally got an actual proper house with its own front door!

Don't make us move again.

Oh, we're going nowhere. We've got squatters rights!

I don't want to be a squatter! I just want to be a normal person

who doesn't have to keep the curtains closed all the time!

Maybe you could dip into your savings and help us out a bit!

This is my baby-sitting money! It's for my future!

Selfish is as selfish does.

When are you going to realise that YOU'RE the parent around here?!

Are we skint again? Aye. Just a bit.

I don't believe it!

What? The housing have put a payment in.

I thought it'd take ages for the claim to go through?

Well, it's not for here. It's for our old place.

So, what does that mean? It means they've screwed up.

Happy days are here again!

You don't think they'll figure it out and ask for it back?

Well, they can't if it's spent! It doesn't work like that!

And if you're going to be spending it on anything, it should be rent.

That landlord's a thieving git!

That landlord is a really nice guy who gave us somewhere to live!

Oh, you! Can you not let us kick up our heels up for one tiny minute?!

Oh...

Is that the last one?

Aye, I left the kitchen sink and the carpets where they were(!)

Oh, don't be in a mood!

Well, how many outfits do you need to chuck somebody?

I don't know what the weather's going to be like.

All right, here's a clue - Las Vegas is in the desert!

Look, I know you don't want me to go,

I just don't see why you have to go all that way!

Aw, because it's the right thing to do!

Me and Buster have been together for...forever.

The least I owe him is to finish it properly, face-to-face.

I'm sorry, I'm just stressed oot ma nut.

About your speech? And the rest!

What if you take one look at Buster and decide you prefer him to me?

Aye, right! So I'm gonnae choose the joker in the leotard

over the hot guy in the kilt!

Hot, eh? Scorchio!

HE LAUGHS

I'll, er... see you when you get back.

Have a nice trip. Have a good wedding.

Unlikely.

Why are you here?

Why are you here?

Mother's instinct.

I heard Lenny Murdoch put a bullet in you.

That was seven months ago.

What happened? Did you miss your bus? Oh?

So the reports are true?

Wee Alex McAllister has found his cojones.

Is this going somewhere?

Your Uncle Billy's in solitary for the foreseeable,

and the family have asked me

if I would take over the business until he's back in circulation.

What's this got to do with me?

Well, I need a base, and I've chosen a nightclub.

A place called Chrome?

I'll keep an office there

and we can run the family cash through the tills

and it's got a decent cellar we can use for storage, as and when.

No. Chrome belongs to Kelly-Marie.

And she belongs to you. Or she will in an hour or so.

No. Billy has already tried this. Kel won't let it happen again.

She's on maternity leave. She won't know about it.

Oh, and talking of babies, I have been considering some names.

Now, your uncle's feeling a wee bit isolated at the moment,

so he needs a boost.

I'm thinking "Billy" for the new kiddo.

It works for a girl as well as a boy.

Oh, new keys.

They're all there, except for the ones for my office and the safe.

I'll be keeping those to myself.

Listen...

I might've done a couple of dodgy deals lately,

but that does not make me part of the family firm.

I won't have you blighting another generation.

SHE LAUGHS

You always did think you were different, didn't you, Alex?

But you can't escape who you are.

Now, your baby will have Kennedy blood running through its veins,

whether you like it or not.

And you know what that blood feels like.

Every time you lie - Kennedy blood.

Every time you manipulate - Kennedy!

Every time you're up to the hilt with some cheap tart -

Kennedy, Kennedy, Kennedy!

I'll stop you. You don't know how.

Billy's already used one of Kelly-Marie's kids

to show Lenny Murdoch who was boss.

What makes you think

I'm not prepared to do exactly the very same thing

with the new runt to prove the very same point to you?

You're talking about your own grandchild.

Ugh, you know me, Alex - I was never great with children.

Now, did I see someone pouring champagne?

I don't know about you, but I'm gagging for a drink!

Oh, Kelly!

Look at you.

Will I do?

Oh, come here!

Right, you lot better get a move on. Aye, aye, there, the car's waiting.

Angel can take a ride with us, eh? Oh, I dunno. Oh, no, please.

I want you to come. I might need you.

Unless you've got somewhere else you need to be?

Nope. I'm all yours.

Oh, erm, a delivery came for you while you were getting changed.

It's probably a last-minute present from Alex.

He's a bit over the top sometimes.

DOOR CLOSES

..this is it.

Yep.

Oh, no, I need a tissue!

Here you go.

It's just the excitement.

Is it?

Aye, this is a big day for all of us.

And for your wee family and all.

Finally, a stable home life for wee Cal.

And listen, you can say what you like about Alex,

but he loves you and the wee man to death.

It's best for everyone.

Aye.

Aye, it is.

Right, you better get going.

Erm, do you want me to ride in the car with you and all?

Cos it's just...

Seems a wee bit weird, you there on your own.

No. I'm fine. This is how Alex planned it.

Aye, maybe.

But that doesn't have to be the way it is.

It's fine. It's how I want it.

Right, come on, go, beat it.

Right, I'll see you there. Bye.

It's best for everyone...

It's best for everyone.

Double vodka shot, please. No, make it a triple.

Hair of the dog.

Hey, Robbie. What would you say about Alex McAllister?

His brother's in the jail for rape?

HE SIGHS

SHE SIGHS

We can't get married.

I can't believe how classy this place is.

Oh, here we go. Wedding crashers.

You always get them at posh dos like this.

Excuse me, hen, this is a private function.

Says who?

Says me, Scarlett Mullen. Mother of the bride.

Martina Kennedy. Mother of the groom.

Alex's ma? He says you weren't coming.

Wee tip, Scarlett,

never believe a word that comes out of my son's mouth.

My family...

they're like the worst kind of cancer.

You think you've cut it out but it's still there, growing, taking over.

And it doesn't matter that I try and keep on the straight and narrow.

It's in me. It's the bit of me...

..that persuaded you to keep the baby

even though I know you didn't want to.

It's the bit of me that forced you into this wedding.

I want to get married.

No, you don't.

I trapped you.

You're only going along with it, because you think, if you don't

have my protection, you'll end up in jail for what went on in the club.

When I first met you,

I knew you were the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

What we had was so good and right...

..and so easy.

I know.

And then I blew it.

I opened up the door to my family and...

all the crap came in with them.

And then the way you looked at me changed.

I could see it in your eyes.

I disgusted you.

But I didn't care because...

I couldn't let you go.

But now I am.

Now I am letting you go.

Because I don't want to be this guy.

The next time I get married...

I want it to be to someone who wants to be with me.

Why are you saying this?

What's changed?

I saw my mum this morning.

She held up a mirror and I didn't like what I saw.

I thought you said she wasn't coming.

I won't let her into my life. Our lives.

You think Billy's bad?

He's nothing compared to his sister.

He sent flowers.

White lilies.

Welcoming me to the family.

Sorry.

I'm sorry for all of it.

I'm going to go to the venue and tell everyone the wedding's off.

Then...

I'll probably go away for a bit.

You and Cal can stay in the flat. It's yours.

I'll support the baby, but...

it's probably best if I'm not around the kids too much.

I don't want what I am rubbing off on them.

If I could do it differently, I would.

You're still the best thing that's ever happened to me.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Stay away from me.

I need to apologise. I wasn't thinking straight earlier.

Or on the hen night.

What I did was so disrespectful to you and to Kelly-Marie,

and I'm sorry.

OK, thanks. I think.

Bob. Sorry I've been giving you the run-around.

Aye, well, this is all I've got.

It's rubbish, but it's going to have to do.

Whoa, what are you doing?! I've no' learned that!

You're not going to need it. The wedding's off.

You're not getting married?

What's happened? Where's Kelly?

Is she all right?

She's better than she's been in a long time. Trust me.

Hang on.

So, does this mean that I don't need to do a speech?

Just keep it under your hat

until I get the chance to make the official announcement, all right?

No bother, mate.

Yes!

Good call.

Sorry, I just need some time to think the now.

Yeah, I know, I know.

Well, you know where I am.

If you feel you have to get away for a wee while,

I can make some arrangements.

Thanks.

You know, there's only one reason to marry somebody like McAllister

and 100 good reasons not to.

Starting with that family of his.

Believe me, you don't want to be part of that set-up.

What, you'd rather I was part of yours?

You already are.

What's the one reason to marry him? What's that?

You said there was one good reason to marry him.

If you don't know, it doesn't apply.

You only get into my life if you get into Chrome,

and you don't get into Chrome unless I'm with Kelly-Marie.

So I've dumped her.

I don't believe you.

You might have found those cojones,

but you've not learnt to use them yet.

I'd rather have no family at all than see you

get your hands on another kid of mine.

If you'll excuse me, I've got an announcement to make.

(Hi. Erm, I know it's going to be very awkward, but, erm,

(there's no' going to be a wedding.

(I'm going to have to call everything off, sorry.)

What's happening? Bob said there's a problem.

I'm sorry, Jimmy, but the wedding's off.

What? Well, nobody seems to have told the bride!

What are you doing here? I said I'd deal with this.

And I said I'd marry you. And I meant it.

No. You don't love me.

You're right.

I didn't want to marry you,

because I thought the man I fell in love with was gone.

But he's not.

I saw him in that car.

And I still love him.

I love you.

But my family...

You, me, Callum and the baby

is all the family that matters now. Your words, not mine.

It's not that simple.

It is, Alex. It is.

Feel that?

That baby's not a Kennedy or a Murdoch.

That's a McAllister.

A brand-new life that will become what we make it - me and you.

We went wrong when we let other folk control us.

Well, that stops now, cos from now on, it's just us.

Me, you and the kids building our own future,

and, see everyone else? They can get to hell.

So, what do you say?

Are we going to do this or what?

If you think it can work. I know it can.

OK.

I've got just one tiny condition...

# When the rain is blowing in your face

# And the whole world is on your case

# I could offer you a warm embrace

# To make you feel my love

# When the evening shadows and the stars appear

# And there is no-one there to dry your tears. #

Your rent.

?700 exactly.

And before you start, stamps are legal tender.

Actually, they're not. Are.

Not. ARE.

Look, it doesn't matter. I'm just grateful that you found the cash.

I'm skint myself and I don't have any backup funds

to pay the mortgage. Hold on while I dry my eyes.

I'm sorry if I was hard on you before.

And for not being clear about the deposit.

Apology accepted.

So...?

What?

This is the part where you apologise for calling me a paedo.

Don't push it.

See you next month.

No' if I see you first.

Can I get a bit of service here?

Aye, all right. Eileen's showing face at the wedding.

Fill her up.

Can I interest you in something to eat with that?

As the artisan pie maker in residence this week,

I can recommend the curry pie.

All the more for me, then.

So, did you not get an invite to the do, then?

Wedding's cancelled.

The wedding? Since when?

Since the bride seen sense.

So how come I saw her going past in a big fancy wedding car?

What? When?

Passed right outside about 20 minutes ago.

All the more for me, then.

I, Alexander William McAllister...

take you, Kelly-Marie Catherine Adams, as my wedded wife,

to love and to cherish, with patience and fidelity...

as long as we both shall live.

I, Kelly-Marie Catherine Adams,

take you, Alexander William McAllister,

as my wedded husband,

to cherish, honour and obey all the days of my life.

"Obey"? He's even written the vows for her.

Thank you.

As this ring surrounds your finger...

so my love surrounds you.

Wear it...

and know that my love for you is eternal.

Take this ring as my gift to you.

Wear it and think of me,

and know that I love you.

APPLAUSE

Aw, look at them!

Isn't it lovely?

MUSIC: Ave Maria

What can you say about Alex McAllister?

First thing that comes into your heid.

Oh, well, words that wouldnae be allowed in a nice place like this.

Now, look, you two - you'd better get up there, sign the register.

WOMAN SINGS Oh, a singer and all!

# Ave

# Maria... #

Would you mind if I did this? I am his mother.

Fire in. You can do the speech and all, if you want.

# Dominus tecum

# Benedicta... #

Congratulations, son. I am so proud.

# ..in mulieribus

# Et benedictus... #

GLASS CLINKS

Speeches! Speeches!

Pray silence for the best man!

THEY CHEER AND CLAP

Ahh.

So...

What can you say about Alex McAllister?

What CAN you say about Alex McAllister?

NERVOUS CHUCKLE

Ahem... Here's the thing -

I did actually have a speech, but, er, Alex ripped it up,

because for a minute there, we thought the wedding

wasn't going to go ahead! GUESTS MURMUR

It's a joke!

So, er, I got some quotes about marriage off the internet.

No' too many, because the phone reception in this place is rubbish.

NERVOUS CHUCKLE

Here we go...

"When you look for the right person,

"you always end up with the wrong one."

Actually, no... That's not right...

because Kelly's been looking for the right person

for years, and she found Alex. So, er...

make of that what you will.

GUESTS MURMUR

Joke!

Look, to be honest,

I'm probably not the best person to be talking about marriage.

I'm divorced.

Oh, but it's all right - I mean, I've met somebody else.

She's no' here the day, though.

She's away to Las Vegas to dump her boyfriend

and see Britney Spears in concert.

It's a joke!

No, that's not a joke.

That's no' a joke at all... Right, thanks, Bob.

I'll take it frae here.

Er, what Bob was trying to say

is that today is a fresh start for me and Alex.

You know, this morning,

Alex gave me a wedding present.

So now, I'd like to give him a present.

Well, actually, it's from me AND Callum.

Cal, could you come here?

We've decided we'd like you to officially adopt Callum as your son.

ALL: Aww!

Seriously?

Callum wants you to be his dad, and I do too.

So, we're all going to be McAllisters.

APPLAUSE

Hiya.

Hey!

How was the wedding?

Surprisingly classy.

I'm beginning to regret saying I'd only stay for the ceremony now.

And the wine list was definitely not drawn up at the One Stop Shop.

Well, I'm slumming it from your wine cellar.

Fancy joining me?

Yeah, don't mind if I do, actually. Thanks.

So, the Haggis Tikka Masala pies are going down a storm.

Shows you what I know!

I'm sensing this whole pie thing isn't doing it for you?

You know, it's good to see AJ so fired up about something.

It's important, isn't it, to have a focus in life?

Mm.

So, what's your focus?

LAUGHS: Apart from leafleting for my husband?

Well, for years, it was all about my son and my studies.

Now I'm not so sure.

So, what about work?

Just a bit of locuming here and there - it's hardly all-consuming.

Well, you know they're looking for somebody at the surgery here?

Yeah, but the whole point of this lifestyle change

was so that we could spend more time together.

Yeah, AJ was saying that.

We were just talking earlier when you were out with the leaflets.

I bet you were.

Annie, I'm not sure...

No, don't worry. I know what he's like.

I'm sure he's told you the reason

that we need to spend more time together

is so we can get over his affair.

It's fine.

I'm not worried about being discreet.

After all, AJ wasn't, was he?

I'm so sorry.

Me too.

Worst bit?

It wasn't just sex.

He fell in love with her.

When you're with someone for 20 years,

and you think you're the love of their life,

then it turns out that...

you're not.

Annie, I've seen the way AJ looks at you -

he clearly adores you.

You think? Mm.

I mean, it's years since I knew him, but he...

he's definitely content.

See when we were together, he was always looking for the next thing.

You were with AJ?

Yeah.

Did he not tell you?

SHE LAUGHS

No.

No, he didn't.

MUSIC: Celebration by Kool The Gang

Well...

That little plan backfired, eh? What's your next move?

To live a happy life - without you in it.

Everything OK here?

Oh, Kelly-Marie - we haven't met.

I'm your mother-in-law.

Yeah - nice to meet you.

Oh, and you.

I can't wait for us to get to know each other.

Er, Alex, the photographer's wanting a couple more pictures of us.

Aye, OK.

Ooh! You've got him well trained already.

Sorry?

You're feisty. I like that.

Mind you, his first wife was like that, too.

Well, in the beginning.

If you'll excuse me.

Oh, she'll be a tough one to get onside -

even for Martina McAllister.

I use my maiden name now.

Who cares?

So, long time no see.

I heard you had a spot of car trouble.

Don't you worry about me, darlin'.

I'm fine.

In fact, I hear it's your brother that's out of circulation.

Least he's got family to turn to.

An heir to his empire...

and a couple of spares, thanks to Kelly-Marie.

Remind me what happened to your kids, hm?

One dead, one in jail...

one away with the fairies.

I'm glad you've been paying attention.

Seriously, though, I feel for you.

Cal was all you had - and now he's one of mine.

You're the end of the line, Lenny.

The last dinosaur.

Waiting for extinction.

The lilies were a nice touch.

Only, Uncle Billy would never have sent white ones.

They would have been black.

Yeah. He's tacky like that.

Me and Kelly-Marie are making a fresh start.

Maybe me and you should do the same.

If you're looking for somebody to protect you from your mammy,

you've got the wrong guy.

That's the taxi arrived.

Right, it's time to throw the bouquet, everybody! Ready?

One, two, three - whoo!

LAUGHTER

Oh, there's hope for him yet!

Here, darlin', good luck - have a great time!

Look after yourself, eh?

Don't you worry about Chrome.

I'll look after it while you're gone.

GUESTS CHEER AND CLAP

Is that why we moved here? Because of her?

Who? Eileen.

Your first love.

Is that what she said, that I was her first?

No, but your face just confirmed it.

We were kids.

We could have moved anywhere - but we moved here.

I wanted to come home.

Oh, I need to get a job.

You've got one. With me.

A proper job. Something for me, not you.

Fine. Whatever you want.

I'll start looking in the morning.

I'll see you in the flat.

Annie?

You do believe me, don't you,

that we didn't come back here because of Eileen?

Because, see if you don't, there isn't any point.

I believe you.

Er, why's the fridge full of pies?

Well, I had to cash in my vouchers at the pub,

so, once I'd paid the rent, there was no food money left.

Feels good, though, doesn't it? Doing the right thing.

You're as smug as Ellie!

I'm not smug, I'm-I'm proud. There's a difference.

Aye, well, whatever.

TV BLARES

That money we got from housing - it wasn't enough to cover the rent?

Where did you get the extra cash? Oh, you know...

here and there.

Love you, Mum.

Love you too, babes.

I've got a car.

Do you want a lift...

or are you waiting for an ambulance?

You know the code - you don't steal customers from another hairdresser.

It's not my fault the men in your life don't stick around.

Who could blame them? Well, we all know why your dad went.

I can't just appoint my stepmother as manager -

we'll be interviewing candidates next week.

Interviewing?

Don't worry, you'll get it back.

What about Liz?

She's in the back of my van, you idiot!

Well, why are you even here? It's not Christmas or Fathers Day. Mum!

She died because of you!

Back off, son. I'm no' scared of you.

Everybody else round here might be, but I'm no'.