15/12/2015 River City

You can't just ignore them.

Caitlin, some of those are bills.

-So?

-So they need to be paid.

It's nearly Christmas time, I need my money for stuff for the kids.

You can still have the mastectomy. I don't care what shape you are.

I just want you to be well.

I need a base. Chrome?

Billy has already tried this.

Kel won't let it happen again.

She's on maternity leave, she won't know about it.

We can put ten grand a week through without any trouble.

'She's my mum, she just has a way of getting what she wants.'

Remind you of anyone?

-I want the money you owe me.

-I don't have it right now.

But you've got money for presents?

-You want the rest of us to go without?

-You were with AJ?

Yeah, did he not tell you?

You do believe me, don't you,

that we didn't come back cos of Eileen?

Cos, see if you don't, there isn't any point.

I believe you.

ALL: Namaste.

Oh, that was hard today.

I'm just putting the hours in before AJ's nonstop

festive food orgy kicks off.

Does he go to town?

Starts off with smoked salmon and champagne for breakfast

and finishes some time around midnight.

It's the midnight part I'm jealous about.

Yeah?

Yeah, well, I'll go and see my dad and then Liz'll come over

and I'll make a big fuss of Stuart, obviously, but then it's after that,

where you want to sit in front of the Christmas tree

and watch an old movie, but... you need somebody with you for that.

-Is there no-one on the horizon?

-There isn't even a horizon.

You know, a lot of my single friends in London, they did online dating.

No, they're welcome to it.

So you've dabbled then?

Well, ages ago.

It's the men - you've got to trawl through the weird ones,

and the desperate ones, and the married ones,

and you don't even know who you're going to end up with.

What if you find "the one?"

I didn't have you down as a romantic.

Well, I am.

Tell you what, why don't we get ready,

go back to yours, and fire up the laptop?

Today? Oh, my account's probably been deactivated.

Well, then we can reactivate it.

-SHE GIGGLES

-Come on, Eileen, it's Christmas.

It's time for miracles.

Are you saying I need a miracle to get a man?

Be quiet, come on, you're going.

Hiya.

I'll risk an Americano - large.

Now, I know I said lunch, but I'm here to spirit you away.

Me? Where to?

Well, a friend of mine -

well, a friend of a friend, actually -

had this package booked and she can't make it

so I've taken it off her hands for half price.

What sort of package?

Pampering - facials, massage.

Oh, I thought, given your condition, you'd like a wee treat.

That does sound nice.

You can take it as a Christmas present.

No, you don't have to buy me anything.

-You really, really don't.

-Oh...

Now, don't make a fuss

It was a steal.

Right, I'll tell the girl to make the coffees to go.

Do you know what? Let me do that.

"The girl" is called Stella, and she's seriously ill,

which is why Kelly-Marie doesn't want you treating her like a serf.

Oh, she's so kind-hearted, your wife.

It's called common humanity - you wouldn't understand.

Well, I got the "common" part.

If you're trying to exploit her and get to me,

I'm no' going to let that happen.

You're so melodramatic.

Now, what kind of wickedness could I get up to in a spa?

Right, ready when you are, Martina.

MUSIC: Wonderful Christmastime by Paul McCartney

What's he meant to be?

-One of the wise men.

-Gold, frankincense, and nightmares?

Well, the guy in the charity shop knocked some money off.

They should've paid you to take it away.

The rent's due, and unless you want to spend Christmas

in an actual stable, this is the best we can afford.

It's not magical, though. I want it to be magical.

Magic costs money.

-I'm going to the library.

-Now?

Yeah, well, they'll be shut next week and I need to use the computers.

See you later.

MUSIC CONTINUES

SHE SINGS ALONG

# The spirit's here

# It only comes

# This time of year

# Simply having

# A wonderful Christmas time

# Simply having

# A wonderful Christmas time. #

Kids, come down, we're going out!

It's all different.

What do you mean?

Oh, he looks like a prospect.

-Now, wait, ugh...

-Sorry.

Now he'll know I've viewed his profile - he'll think I'm interested.

-And aren't you?

-Well, give me a chance.

Right, "good sense of humour".

See if you have to announce that, you don't have one.

As you demanded, ladies.

Ah, living in a pub is the best.

Oh, you should put that on your profile.

Oh, yeah, cos I want to appeal to heavy drinkers

across the Central Belt.

Is that a dating website?

Yes, it is, and it's private, so you can go now.

As long as it's private.

By the way, Eileen, don't let her bully you.

Be picky - you're worth it.

Oh, nice wee compliment, and a dig at me.

So, rub a lamp if you want more wine.

Oh, look, John66, John66!

-What?

-Someone's viewed your profile.

Look, John66.

Oh, hello, "early-30s entrepreneur".

That could mean a window cleaner.

Yeah, but early 30s.

I mean, sexually, you're both in sync.

Right, calm down. A view does not mean a like.

-COMPUTER CHIMES

-New private message.

Private message.

Well, open it.

Sometimes people - men - send pictures.

-Do you not want to know what he looks like?

-Not all of him.

Oh, right.

-Still...

-Oh.

Oh, no picture. Just, "good afternoon".

Well, still, you know, it's classy.

-It's not, "Hiya, doll".

-I suppose.

-Well, what are you waiting on?

-I don't know.

Oh, come on. Live a little. You know, be impulsive.

-OK.

-Right, I'll leave you in peace to answer him.

SHE EXHALES

Here, what have you gals been buying?

What have we no' been buying, more like!

-Just the usual?

-Erm...

For Molly, yes, but I'm just going to have a lime and soda,

for I want to get started on my wrapping when I get home.

I'll get these.

Oh, very kind.

Well, I do have an ulterior motive.

I was looking for a baby-sitter for this evening.

Look, I'm sorry it's short notice

but I thought I'd go in and do some last-minute shopping.

It would be lovely to see wee Stuart again.

In fact, why don't you let him come to us for a sleepover?

Oh, you don't have to have him the whole night.

You haven't seen how busy those shops are.

OK, well, if you're sure?

Positive.

(Have you got a date with that guy?)

(Shh! Behave. Yes.)

(Right, upstairs.)

We won't be a minute.

-Oh!

-Oh-ho!

Ladies.

Oh, hi. We were passing so we thought we'd pop in.

(It was her idea.)

What would my detox counsellor think of me now, eh?

So you're not a convert to the spa life?

Hardly.

Oh, I feel brilliant - every muscle totally relaxed.

I don't think I've ever seen you totally relaxed.

That's what comes from bringing up two boys.

-Be warned.

-We'll need to get you a wee something to say thank you.

Oh, no, no, you don't need to do that.

I don't really keep Christmas these days.

My mum has the whole tribe round.

Oh, that must be lovely.

I bet you look great in a party hat.

-It's not for the entire day.

-Aye, we'll escape after dinner.

So you're free in the evening?

Not free, exactly.

Oh, well, I'll be at a loose end myself,

but I imagine more company is the last thing you'd want.

Well, maybe you could pop round for a drink or something.

Oh, I wouldn't want to intrude.

No, it'll stop me eating all the mince pies.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you very much.

Oh, you'll need to excuse me. Pregnancy bladder. It's no joke!

I'm impressed.

You've added self-pity and fake vulnerability to your repertoire.

Look, you're the only member of my immediate family

not currently incarcerated.

Is it so hard for you to believe that I might just

want to spend Christmas with you?

You never "just want" anything.

There's always an agenda.

Always.

SHE SIGHS

All right? How we doing? How was work?

Aye, no' bad.

Are you tired, or...?

No, I'm fine.

Right, well, that's me away now.

Ships that pass in the night, eh?

You left that on.

Bang goes the surprise.

I think I've had enough surprises recently.

I don't want you to buy me anything.

I want you to keep what you've got for the wean.

-Well, if that's what you really want.

-It is.

Done.

OK.

Well, what about a tree?

A tree?

Aye, we need to do something Christmassy.

-Why? Cos we might no' get the chance again?

-I never said that.

Well, it's written all over your face.

Fine then, we'll just forget the whole thing, shall we?

Suits me.

See you later.

See you later.

SHE SIGHS

Right, ahem, which one?

I think you can't go wrong with an LBD.

Style classic.

Am I making a massive mistake?

No, course not.

Look, you are just having fun.

Now, come on. Don't overthink it.

Now, go on, make yourself look irresistible.

Yes, ma'am.

Oh, and heels - wear killer heels.

CHOIR SINGS: Silent Night

# Round yon virgin

# Mother and child

# Oh, the infant

# So tender and mild

# Sleep in heavenly peace

# Sleep in heavenly peace

# Silent night

# Holy night... #

YODELLING FROM TV

Oh, goodness, that was lots of fun, wasn't it? Tons.

Would you like to watch another episode, Stuart?

Eh, do you no' think it's too late?

Oh, come on, he's allowed a wee treat.

Disc three it is, then.

Too much TV though, Liz, he'll be getting square eyes, the wee soul.

Perhaps you're right.

Aye, probably.

So, Bob, why don't you turn the television off altogether?

And then, there's a big lovely jigsaw

that we could all do together.

It's in the hall cupboard, if you don't mind?

It's a snowscape so it could be quite a challenge.

Quite.

Right, I'll just find my specs.

-Look, I'm gonnae go to Caitlin's, right.

-The now?

I don't get many nights off, do I?

But we could go for a swally?

I see enough of the inside of that pub.

What are you going to do at your sister's, but?

Just a cup of tea and a chat.

Not a bloomin' jigsaw.

Anybody making tea?

HE SIGHS

Right, why don't you go and put your PJs on and pick what story you want?

-OK?

-Good man.

So, you enjoyed all that pampering today, then?

Oh, it was great, aye.

Good, cos I've had an idea.

What could be better than a few hours in a spa?

Christmas in the Highlands?

Me, you, Cal -

we get waited on hand and foot, he gets to build snowmen and...

..meet a real live reindeer.

That does sound nice.

Nice? It sounds fantastic.

Have you booked it already?

Don't you want me to?

Well, it's just that I need to see my mum.

Can't this be the one day of the year that you don't?

Well, it's Madonna's birthday too.

And she'll be inundated with presents.

-She won't even miss us.

-Aye, she will.

Kel, have you any idea how impossible it is

to buy for a pregnant women?

Look, I do, and I appreciate the thought, all right?

So don't say no yet. Think about it,

-and maybe even sound Scarlett out.

-SHE SIGHS

I know exactly what she's going to say.

Can you not be so negative?

I'm trying to do something for everyone here.

I know, I'm sorry.

I will. Think about it, I mean.

That's all I ask.

And there is your mum to think about and all.

It's just a casual thing. It's no big deal.

Well, she seemed pretty keen to me.

What? Should I not have invited her?

Don't kid yourself, you never had a choice.

Let me worry about my mother.

Look, no matter what she was like with you growing up,

she's getting on now. You know, I just think she's lonely and...

Tell you what, let's just forget about the whole thing, then, eh?

-Alex...

-We'll wait in all day on the off chance Her Majesty shows up.

Look, why don't I go and check on Cal,

and then I'll come back, and we can talk about this properly, OK?

OK.

A riot of colour, I think the expression is.

Well, that's why we went shopping without you, sarky.

She'd have had us buying grey tinsel.

Aye, well, it's expensive, though, all of this.

Aye, well, that nativity scene was giving me the creeps.

Mary's eyes followed me round the room.

And if I wanted funny looks off a virgin

I'd ask Jenny to make me a cup of tea.

I heard that.

-Heard what?

-Nothing!

Look, where did the money come from?

Well, the tree was on offer, I swear to god.

There's a wonky branch.

Well, you cannae see it by the wall.

I'm already living in Santa's Grotto.

Do you know, Scarlett's got Bob hiding the presents she bought

-for Cal and Madonna in his room?

-What's Madonna getting?

None of your business.

My kids and their bat ears, eh?

It's her birthday too, and last year she got a tablet AND rollerblades.

Oh, well, you'll get a few surprises, Rube,

-don't worry about that.

-Don't you go making promises you can't keep.

-Well, I'll have to buy them a few bits, won't I?

-Aye?

What are you going to pay for them with, eh? Magic beans?

-You worry too much.

-You don't worry enough.

Madonna's getting a bike.

I saw Jimmy taking it out his motor the other day.

-A bike?

-Nice one, Drew.

I won't tell her.

That's not what's bothering me.

Right, let's get that fairy on the top. Come on.

Oh, watch, right.

Right, hold it.

Right, OK...

# Are you hanging up a stocking on your wall...? #

Da-da-na-da-da-da!

Ta-da!

# Are you hoping that the snow will start to fall?

# Do you ride on down the hillside?

Aw...

# In a buggy you have made?

# When you land upon your head

# Then you've been slayed

# So here it is

# Merry Christmas... #

MUSIC: Let It Go by James Bay

Are you John?

I am, yes, which must make you Eileen.

Yeah, I suppose it must.

This is the part where you sit down.

No, this is the part where I say there's no way

you're in your 30s!

I didn't want to scare you off.

What?

Well, we did the chatty thing,

you know, we got on, we swapped photos...

Yours was conveniently blurry.

Yours wasn't. I liked you.

I'm sorry if you feel tricked into being here,

but I thought you'd be an interesting woman

to have a drink with, and, well,

I still think that.

# Everything that's broke... #

One drink.

# Leave it to the breeze... #

But if you get asked for ID, I'm off.

# Why don't you be you...? #

Suddenly I feel a running joke coming on.

Well, I'd have to stay a while for it to be a running joke.

Dirty martini, please.

I'll have a Manhattan.

We didn't get one from Max and Laura.

Well, maybe they're not doing cards.

Or maybe we fell off the radar.

-Is it really that big a deal?

-They were our neighbours.

Who we saw, what? Three, four times a year?

They were good times, though. Traditions.

Aye, well, we can start new traditions.

Well, we'd have to go some to

compete with their Christmas Eve party.

Does everything have to be a competition?

No, no, I'm sure Old Town's got so much going for it, obviously.

Look, I'll get these. You cooked.

Look, you've got work to do. I'll get these, and when you're finished,

we'll have the evening together.

Same again.

So, does your bar do cocktails?

At a push.

It's more of a pub-type pub.

Ah, an endangered species.

Yeah, we get by.

I mean, nothing as grand as pharmaceuticals, obviously.

Don't... I'm getting out.

Because?

Well, that's a longer conversation, really.

It's just... The whole industry is just too huge.

I'm not cut out to be a cog in a machine.

So what are you cut out for?

Well, I'd like to start a business of my own, you know,

build something from the ground up.

That's, erm... very commendable.

Ah, patronising, excellent.

"Build something from the ground up"?

You have to admit, it's a bit vague.

Well, I can talk you through my crowdfunding model

and market research algorithm,

but you might have to stay for dinner.

-I could handle dinner.

-Cool.

But don't be too disappointed that the meals here,

they don't come with a wee toy.

Right, that's me.

-Sorry?

-Oh, I'm done. What are you doing?

Oh, I'm just adding to the food order.

Oh, well, make sure you book a delivery slot,

because they get snapped up.

Yes, in late November, by organised, forward-thinking people like me.

It's coming on the 23rd, including a fatted calf for the boy.

Look, I wouldn't pin all your hopes on Harry coming at all -

he's probably got a better offer.

Yes, well, she'd have to be pretty amazing for him

to miss my Christmas lunch.

I meant more in terms of places to stay.

He might really like it here.

-And he might really not.

-HE SIGHS

Look...

he'll be spectacularly well fed,

and he'll be with the two people who love him the most in the world.

He's going to want to know what we're doing here,

and he's going to miss all his friends, and having his own space.

He's got his own room - don't make it sound like Harry Potter.

I just think it's going to be a culture shock.

What? After student digs? This is a palace.

Trust me, he'll cope.

Yeah, I'm sure.

Listen, do you fancy doing something?

Like what?

We could go to the pub?

-Maybe...

-Call it a sixth sense,

but I get this weird feeling that you're not entirely keen?

I just keep waiting for someone to come over

and ask me to have a look at their rash.

Look, it's late.

Why don't we watch the news?

Sure.

Let's see what's going on in the world.

FAINT VOICES FROM TV

So the crowdfunding gets me to start-up level

which unlocks enterprise grants - UK and European.

If you reach your target.

Well, I'm at 79%, with three months to go.

2,806 people believe in my idea.

I'm impressed.

You know what's really impressive?

I'm having such a great time

that I haven't checked my phone to see if I've made 2,807.

Is that your way of getting me to chip in?

OK, I'll tell you what, I'll ask you in three months' time,

if I still need one last stakeholder.

John?

Yeah.

Let's not pretend that we're going to be talking about anything

in three months' time.

I'm not making any long-term plans, don't worry.

I'm just happy you're still here now.

Me too.

So, go on, tell me - how did I get so lucky?

I mean, why aren't you in a club somewhere?

Honestly?

We've no reason to lie to each other.

Well, that's just not me. You know, it never has been.

No?

No.

Quite a serious person, aren't you?

I can be, definitely,

but not a lot of people see that side of me.

Really?

Hardly anyone.

I probably keep it hidden, to be fair.

Well, I'm honoured.

Well, you're making it easy to be myself.

I think the cocktails might have something to do with it.

GLASSES CLINK

If there are any issues, just let me know,

otherwise, merry Christmas.

Look at you, getting into the festive spirit.

It is the season of good will.

We're alone now. You don't need to pretend.

I know. I'm not.

All that rubbish about spending, quality time with Kelly-Marie -

that can't have been easy for you.

She is relatively pleasant.

Too nice is what she is.

Ah.

Are you here to rescind the invitation?

We're going away.

Oh, that's a bit extreme.

You're running money, and God knows what, through our business,

to carry on some pathetic feud with Lenny Murdoch.

There are financial considerations.

Well, it doesn't need to be this club, and you know it.

Now you think we're going to let you contaminate our Christmas as well?

Oh, I've no intention of...

I was just hoping to suspend hostilities for one day.

Oh, right, so you coming round for a drink's

our game of football in No Man's Land?

Why not?

So, dinner doesn't seem to be happening.

No, but I have eaten my own body weight in complimentary nibbles.

That's one of the great things about a good hotel bar.

MUSIC: White Christmas by Bing Crosby

They probably think I'm your mother.

Anybody who looked at us long enough

would see the way I've been looking at you,

and they'd know that wasn't true.

You're very sweet.

-Sweet?

-That's a compliment.

Shall I tell you another great thing about hotel bars?

Go on.

-Well, they have rooms upstairs.

-John...

I'm staying in one.

You're taking quite a bit for granted, aren't you?

Actually, I'm not.

You see, I only got to Glasgow today and I needed somewhere to crash.

I checked in before you and I met.

That's all falling nicely into place.

Well, that's up to you, I guess,

but I know I don't want tonight to end yet.

It has been fun.

So now we've had "fun" and "sweet".

Do you want to try "cute" and go for the hat-trick?

What would you like me to say?

That you want the same thing as me.

Oh...

What I want isn't necessarily what I think is...

wise.

So be impulsive.

SHE TAPS ON PHONE

MUSIC: Only Girl (In The World) by Rihanna

# I want you to love me

# Like I'm a hot ride

# Oh, yeah

# Be thinkin' of me

# Doin' what you like

# Ha-ha

# So, boy, forget about the world

# Cos it's gonna be me and you tonight

# Yeah

# I wanna make you beg for it

# Then I'm a make you swallow your pride

# Oh

# Want you to make me feel

# Like I'm the only girl in the world

# Like I'm the only one that you'll ever love

# Like I'm the only one who knows your heart

# Only girl in the world

# Like I'm the only one... # KNOCK AT DOOR

Come in.

Right...

Thanks.

I thought that was going to be way cooler in my head.

It's cool enough.

# Like I'm the only one that you'll ever love

# Like I'm the only one who knows your heart

# Only one

# Want you to take it

# Like a thief in the night

# Hold me like a... #

It doesn't suit you, you know?

What doesn't?

The "bird with a broken wing" act.

I'm too tired for any kind of act.

I meant what I said.

I'm not going to see my brother or my youngest son,

and my granddaughter is no longer part of my life.

And why do you think that is?

Well, you would know better than I would.

No, she has her reasons for hating me.

I let her and her mum down.

But Granny Martina - why cut you off?

You'd need to ask her.

Instinct.

She knows you're rotten.

She had a nickname for you - the Martian.

An anagram - I always knew she was a bright girl.

She can tell there's something not right with you,

not even human,

and that's a kid that knows nothing about any of this stuff.

She just hates you.

How does that feel,

to provoke hatred in a child on a primal level?

I was only just made aware of the fact that she feels like that,

so I need to take a few moments to process the information.

Well, you'll have a lot of time to mull it over.

When did you start enjoying being cruel, Alex?

I don't know, but I obviously learned from the best.

Ah, so it's my fault.

Well, maybe you should look at my life and the way it is

and change your ways.

I'm your ghost of Christmas future, Alex.

Goodbye, Alex.

Enjoy the Highlands.

Oh, we will.

DOOR SLAMS

SHE YAWNS

Oh...

John?

PHONE RINGS Oh...

Hello?

No, no, it's fine, I'm going to be checking out soon anyway.

Sorry, can you say that again?

(What?)

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Alex, can you get that?

I'm on it.

Right, Callum, hurry up, and remember and brush your teeth, OK?

Oh, a few more mornings of this madness.

I'm telling you,

-I cannae wait for a long lie.

-ZIP SQUEAKS

Right, packed lunch. Where's his bag?

-What's that?

-It's for Cal.

Could be from Lenny.

I've no' heard from him since he left.

No way, it's that remote-controlled car Cal's after.

Good old Grandpa Lenny.

Eh, more like, good old Nana Kennedy.

-You're kidding me.

-No.

Do you know, I just mentioned this to her at the spa yesterday?

I mean, just in passing.

-It wasn't like I was giving her a list or anything.

-No.

She must've ordered it there and then for it to come so quick.

Yeah, well, we'd better hide it before he comes running in.

See, this is why I think we should see her on Christmas night.

We're not really going to let her buy her way into our lives, are we?

-Tell him to get a move on.

-Right.

And once we've dropped him off, we'll tell your mum about Christmas.

-SHE SIGHS

-OK.

Oh, it's gorgeous though, isn't it?

Aye, it wasn't last night when I had to hide it in my room from Stuart.

They handlebars nearly had my eyes out.

-Oh, Ruby would love something like this, though.

-Aye, well...

You couldnae lend us a few quid, could you?

How much is a few?

200?

-I haven't got that kind of money.

-What kind have you got?

Oh, God, Caitlin.

I wouldnae ask if I wasnae desperate.

Look, you don't need to spend a fortune at Christmas.

Aye, and folk on the radio and the telly

and in the papers are always saying that, and do you know what?

They're loaded and their kids don't wake up to nothing.

Well, I could do 75.

-It's a start.

-No, it's your total budget.

-All right, hold these, till I go and get my purse. Hold them.

-Ah!

You know, Liz had Stuart over for a sleepover last night.

How come we don't have Cal over for sleepovers lately?

Well, you can, any time. He'd love that.

Mm-hm. Stuart's a nice wee guy,

but he's not got the spark our weans have got.

You know, Scarlett we'll be taking all the help you can offer

-when the new baby arrives.

-Oh, definitely.

Oh, I cannae wait. Any time you want.

I think, though, this Christmas,

we're really going to make a fuss over Cal,

-while there's still the three of us.

-Aye, make it a special one.

-I'm way ahead of you there.

-Are you?

-Aye, cos you know how it's

Madonna's birthday and she's always the centre of attention?

We're going to put Cal in a big chair at the end of the table

and I've ordered him this gorgeous jersey

and it's got "big-brother-to-be" written on it.

Here I'll show you. I've got a picture on my phone?

No, it's fine, don't spoil the surprise.

Aye, right enough. You'll see them in a week.

A week or thereabouts...

Oh, that's the other thing I was going to say.

I was going to invite Liz and Eileen over,

-cos it's going to be a quiet one for them.

-Some people like it that way.

-Aye, only if they've got no choice.

-Not necessarily.

I mean, some people might choose to go away for Christmas.

A bit of winter sun, or maybe somewhere with snow -

a real festive atmosphere.

Well, we've got festive atmosphere in spades.

Some places even have reindeer.

Listen, I don't care if Santa Claus is making the porridge.

Christmas is all about family. Isn't that right, Kelly? and that's it.

Aye.

Aye, and see all the time I was away in Peru,

it was at Christmas time that I missed home the most.

Oh, darling.

Oh, dear me.

ENGINE PURRS

-Right, just keep the change.

-Right, thank you.

Oh, dear.

Ah, good morning, good morning.

Hiya. LAUGHTER

What time do they shops stay open till?

Oh, 10pm, 11pm.

And after that, what did you get up to?

Cos they look like last night's clothes.

Erm, I stayed over with a friend.

Oh, lovely.

-Anyone we know?

-Just a pal from the council.

Good of her to put you up...

or him?

Well, I couldn't get a cab, you know, this time of year.

Oh, well, as long as you had fun, dear.

I'll say she did.

Big Issue?

Excuse me. Excuse me, Madam.

Madam? Are you talking to me?

-You left this on the train.

-Oh, God, so I did, thanks.

It's no problem.

Wait, you didnae just jump off for this, did you?

No, no, this is actually where I'm meant to be.

You know, some folk would've taken this for themselves.

Yeah, well, luckily, I resisted.

You're a gent.

I always try to be.

Erm, is there, like, a pub or something nearby?

Oh, round the corner, Tall Ship, you cannae miss it.

My sister's the barmaid -

looks like me, only a wee bit less gorgeous.

Right, well, I'll be sure to say hello.

Oh, well, I'd chum you in if I didnae have all this to wrap.

Yeah, that looks like quite an undertaking.

Well, if I see you over the festive season,

I'll get you a bevvy to say thanks.

I believe in karma, me.

Deal.

Although, to be honest, I don't know how long I'm going to stick around.

-Merry Christmas.

-The same to you.

You get that in draught or bottles, so it's up to you.

Excuse me...

I've got five minutes till my next appointment. Spill.

It was...interesting.

Well, I take it, it was a late night?

I didn't actually make it home.

But you had a good time, all things considered?

All things considered, yeah.

See, you can't go wrong in a little black dress -

or out of it.

-Shh!

-OK, OK.

I'll save the grilling for later at dinner when you can't escape.

Look, I haven't got a baby-sitter yet.

-I'm really struggling.

-Yeah?

I think my niece Jenny would be up for that.

She's the most responsible one in our family.

Perfect. Sevenish?

Oh, one thing,

just to get me through another day with the afflicted,

was he hot?

Tell me he was hot.

He was...hottish.

Oh...

SHE SIGHS

Oh...

You haven't told him yet - about the trip.

I'd never get him to sleep.

He's excited enough as it is, without me mentioning reindeers.

We're not going, are we?

Alex, I don't know.

I mean, you saw what it was like this morning -

no-one wants to break their mum's heart at Christmas.

I do.

Does that make me a bad person?

You don't mean that.

Like...

You put us first, which was totally right and fine,

but I just don't know if I can.

What I want...

What I'm trying to do is....

is the right thing.

I'm trying to do the right thing.

And you will.

You didn't need to.

Well, I do own a pub,

so I've never really got any excuse for turning up empty-handed.

Something smells wonderful.

Right, well, I'm trying to compete with last night, aren't I?

-Sorry?

-You know, last night, you went out for dinner, didn't you?

I'm sure it'll be really nice.

So how did Stuart get on with the new baby-sitter?

Like a house on fire. She seems lovely.

-Good, good.

-Took a wee minute to settle him down,

-so I'm sorry if I'm a bit late.

-Don't worry.

Well, it is practically ready, so if you want to have a wee seat.

There we go. Cheers. GLASSES CLINK

-DOORBELL RINGS

-I'll get it.

Are you expecting somebody else?

-No.

-Oh, thank God, I thought for one horrible minute...

What, that I'd set you up?

I would never do a thing like that.

Oh, who am I kidding? That's exactly the kind of thing I would do,

although you don't need any help, after last night.

Well, thanks to you, I have unleashed my inner floozy.

You're welcome.

Right, now that AJ's not here, tell me -

did you go back to his place?

A hotel.

-Hussy!

-I know!

Erm, look what the cat dragged in.

Oh, Harry!

-Oh, my baby boy!

-ANNIE LAUGHS

Oh, you smell like a drip tray but, oh, my boy!

I'll get rid of these bags.

This could take a while.

KISSES SQUELCH

-Thanks, doll.

-What time were you and Bubba coming over?

-Sorry?

Christmas Day - do you want to do the presents

-before or after the dinner?

-I'm not sure.

Make it 12, then we can have a cheeky wee snowball

-while we're peeling the spuds.

-Aye, 12's brilliant.

No escape, doll. Just give in now.

Why would she want to escape?

What about you, Stevie, eh? What are you doing for Christmas?

Oh, we're no' gonnae bother this year.

You're no' gonnae bother?

Stella's not really up for anything.

Listen, son, it's Christmas,

you cannae just pretend it's no' happening.

This is a nightmare.

-I'm going.

-No, you can't.

-Look, they'll get suspicious if you start acting weird.

-Weird?

It's taking all my strength not to rip your head off your shoulders.

We didn't actually do anything wrong, you know.

Oh, glossing over the fact that you left me with the room tab.

Oh, I'm so sorry about that,

-you see, my card got refused and it was...

-Oh, a high-flyer like you?

-There's no need to be mean about it.

-Mean? How old ARE you?

You need to chill.

Stop speaking. Your parents are my friends.

-If they knew that I'd...

-They don't, OK, look, and if we're cool,

-there's no reason they ever will. Just...

-Top up?

Erm, no, no, I'm fine.

Actually, I'm not.

I've got a bit of a headache coming on.

Well, you can't kid a kidder.

Still suffering from last night?

No, no, no, no.

She's got loads of hangover cures, by the way -

nothing to do with her being a doctor, either.

Making light of my mother's drinking -

now it feels like Christmas.

Don't embarrass me in front of the nice lady.

I'll get all your baby pictures out - the naked ones.

And where are you keeping them? Oh, in the east wing?

See, we've spoiled him, Eileen.

-IN BROAD ACCENT:

-What, is Glesga no' good enough for you?'

-No, there's nothing wrong with Glasgow.

-Oh, nice of you to say so.

..but it's not London,

and this, well, this shoebox of a flat, it's not our old house.

For God's sake, son, there's people sleeping rough on the streets tonight, freezing.

Yeah, and there's usually a story about how those guys ended up

like that, so what's our story? I mean, how did we end up here?

I really think I should go.

Now look what you've done. Unbelievable.

-Eileen's a grown-up.

-Are you?

-Yes.

-Well, start acting like one and we'll talk later.

I apologise if I've created an atmosphere.

Please, stay, Eileen.

I mean, I don't mean to guilt-trip you,

but AJ went all the way across town to get those crayfish tails.

OK, I won't rush off...

..and I will have a splash more wine.

Harry, you do the honours.

Look, no-one was having a go at you then.

I didnae think you were.

Folk just...

They don't know what to say to you.

Scarlett always manages.

SHE EXHALES

Nobody can tell you what do.

I really wish they would cos I've no' got a scooby.

Have you spoken to Stella about it?

We don't talk.

I tiptoe around everything and she just gets annoyed.

I don't blame her.

You know, I think...

I mean, I could be wrong here, right, but...

I think that she thinks,

if I so much as put a card up,

I'm trying to make it her perfect last Christmas, and I'm really not.

No, no, of course you're not.

Look, why don't you just do what you want?

-Nah.

-But why not?

Give her the chance to get on board without making choices herself,

she's got too much on her plate.

Can you...?

Can you cash up?

What? Tonight?

Aye, well, it's no' too busy.

Aye, I can handle it,

if you've got somewhere you need to be.

That was delicious, thank you.

Well, there's nothing wrong with your appetite.

Are you feeling better?

Yeah, a lot.

Look, I hate to eat and go but....

No, no, no, stay for a coffee. There might even be a bottle of brandy

-kicking about somewhere.

-Oh, I'd better not.

-Are you sure?

-Yeah.

Harry, do you mind getting Eileen's coat?

It's just hanging in the hall cupboard there.

I know where you mean, yeah. It's slightly bigger than my bedroom.

All right, don't start that nonsense again.

Is that what this is, it's nonsense?

Yes, frankly.

You're only going to be home from uni a few days at a time.

Please stop calling it home.

You loved London more than you love me.

You've got a six-month placement coming up.

There's no reason why that can't be in London.

Yeah, not all that easily.

Look, once you graduate,

then you can decide where you're going.

Oh, so you've got it all mapped out haven't you?

No, you decide where you're going and we have to do buy you the map.

Don't bring money into this. I never asked for your money.

You didn't have to ask, you were given it.

Wait, no, what, so this move thing -

you didn't sell up to fund my course?

-No, you're covered.

-I could actually just get my own coat.

Sorry, Eileen, I think he's up way past his bedtime.

Don't talk about me like I'm a toddler.

-Then don't embarrass us.

-Harry.

Father.

-The coat.

-Actually...

No, Harry can get it.

He obviously needs a minute to compose himself.

I'll remember that when you start going ballistic.

Given your atrocious behaviour,

I think we've stayed remarkably calm so far.

Only because you don't know the big news.

I failed my course.

I've been kicked out of uni.

So you see, Mum, that London placement -

it might be a bit tricky.

How long have you been standing there?

A minute or two.

I thought I felt a draught.

You look tired.

Even aliens need some downtime.

Is it absolutely necessary for you to be here every night?

You know, I must be tired,

because I'm sure I detected a note of concern just then.

I'm asking a question.

Well, where else would you have me be?

What... What other kind of life would you have me lead?

Bridge clubs?

Church socials?

Why not? Why would that be so terrible?

Might not be so bad, but I think it's a bit too late for me now.

The nearest I've ever got to normality in years

is when my daughter-in-law invited me over for Christmas,

and we all know how that turned out.

KNOCK AT DOOR

I need to deal with this.

Of course you do.

Come in.

Right, I'll call the dean first thing in the morning.

That's how I got on the course in the first place,

you calling in favours.

Clearly, I shouldn't have left you to your own devices.

Maybe if you did, I'd find my own level.

What's that? Sponging off us?

It's somewhere between sponging off you

and finding a cure for cancer. Is that unreasonable?

You do know that we've already paid for a year's rent,

-and we're not going to see that back.

-I know, I'm...

-Look, I'm not proud of any of this.

-Good.

Well, maybe you can go back in September and resit the year.

Are you not even listening to me?

Look, it's not what I want to do with my life.

-It's not right for me.

-Well, then make it right.

For God's sake. I'm going out.

Do you know what? Enjoy it,

cos we're not going to fund any more trips to the pub.

-DOOR CLOSES

-What are we going to do?

MUSIC: All I Want For Christmas Is You by Mariah Carey

Sorry, did I wake you?

-No, I needed to go to the toilet.

-Leave the light.

# I don't want a lot for Christmas

# There is just one thing I need... #

Before you say anything, I know you didnae want any of this,

but I just thought, if we're going to be staring at a blank wall

on the 25th, you know, we'll just be wondering why,

and I don't want to be thinking about

all the bad stuff that's happening, I want us to think about

-the good things that are going to be coming...

-Stevie, shut up.

-Sorry.

I love it.

Aye?

Good.

# All I want for Christmas

# Is

# You... #

# I don't want a lot for Christmas

# There is just one thing I need... #

-PHONE RINGS

-Get the corners neat.

# Underneath the Christmas... #

DOORBELL RINGS

# I don't need to hang my stocking

# There upon the fireplace

# Santa Claus won't make me happy

# With a toy on Christmas Day... #

I didn't expect to see you this morning.

Are you avoiding Angus again?

That's a breach of landlord-tenant confidentiality, by the way.

-He had no right...

-Get off your high horse, woman, he said nothing.

-Oh.

-It was just the look on his face.

-Have you missed your rent?

-Well, he'll get double next month.

How?

I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

You don't cross bridges, Caitlin, you burn them.

Look, Angus is a decent guy - you won't get a nice place like this

-in a hurry if he kicks you out.

-It'll no' come to that.

Did you blow the whole lot on presents for the kids?

They deserve a Christmas, Ellie.

Eh, they deserve a roof over their heads more.

What happened to the 75 I loaned you?

Well, it didnae last long. Have you seen the price of things?

Uh-huh, and I know I can't afford them.

How could I look my kids in the eye?

The kids get it.

The kids understand.

You're the one with no grip on reality.

It's you who can't face a skint Christmas, not them.

What if it is? You don't know what it's like to be me.

It's soul-destroying counting every penny,

terrified that you're gonnae miss an appointment and end up sanctioned.

It's one day out of the year when I want to be like everybody else.

OK, I get it, doll, I do, but loads of people are struggling.

You can't just hope for the best.

-I'm not stupid, Ellie.

-Have you even got any money left?

Cos you still have to feed everyone.

I've got an appointment at the food bank later on,

-so we should be fine.

-Food bank?

What? There's no shame in it, you know.

I'm saying there is, it's just, they're for folk who are desperate.

I'm desperate, OK? I'm...

I'm desperate.

All right. OK, Cait.

Are you going to have a cup of tea or is that too extravagant?

I'm sorry that you had to witness that last night.

Don't worry about it, really. It's fine.

I invite you round for dinner

and then plunge into the middle of a family drama.

Was that why you wanted to see me? To apologise?

I just needed someone to talk to.

-Do you think it's all my fault?

-No.

You know, I just want what's best for my son.

Of course you do. There's nothing wrong with that.

Harry would tell you otherwise.

Well, Harry's young.

Would I have been better divorcing AJ and staying in London?

I mean, I salvaged my marriage, but is my son paying the price?

I think Harry's just finding his way in the world,

and it might be that university's not for him.

I mean, could he be more entrepreneurial, do you think?

-Wow.

-What?

I mean, that is exactly how he sees himself.

I can't believe you got that from him being half-cut and petulant.

No, no, I mean...

It was just a thought,

and if that's right, then...

then Harry's a decent guy,

and that's a credit to you and AJ.

You're a good friend.

I'm trying to be.

I feel bad now, after crying on your shoulder,

but I do have a favour to ask you,

and you have made it easier, by saying that Harry's a decent guy.

Have I? Good.

Good.

-Morning, boss, just the usual?

-But just for me today.

No Kelly-Marie, no?

I took Cal to school and let her have a lie-in.

Oh, you're really getting the hang of this

step-father business, aren't you?

I'm trying.

Your present arrived.

Well, that's a relief.

You never know if you can trust next-day delivery.

-Does the boy like it?

-He hasn't seen it yet.

You can give it to him yourself on Christmas night.

Has there been a change of plan?

-There has.

-Ah, a spot of emotional blackmail from the in-laws.

No, it was my choice.

I want to see Kelly-Marie's family,

and mine. Something Kel said made me realise

that only a monster wouldn't feel sorry for their mum at Christmas.

Feel sorry?

I don't like the thought of you being alone, despite everything.

Ah, so this is a pity invitation,

motivated by the fact that you need to feel better about yourself?

It was meant to be a Christmas truce

-but since you don't have the good...

-Oh, no.

I think it's wonderful. Truly, I do.

How nice to think that the working class Glesga is rubbing off on you.

How lovely to think that you'd be greetin'

if you didnae see your mammy.

You weren't faking this.

Last night, you looked old, tired and sad.

Yeah, well, I'd be all of these things at 1am -

low blood sugar -

but now,

I'm fine.

You reached out to us.

I charmed your wife, yes,

in roughly about the same amount of time as it would take to train a dog.

And me?

Sorry to disappoint you, son,

but there's no silver-haired granny going to be waiting to

rock your latest brat to sleep.

I'll see you on the big day, if not before.

DOOR OPENS

DOOR SLAMS

There he is - your new handyman.

Sorry, what?

I've been doing a bit of match-making.

Eileen's got a pub and half a dozen flats.

She needs some stuff done, and you need to get some extra cash.

Yeah, it makes sense, I guess, yeah.

In a strange kind of way, yeah.

Your mum can be very persuasive.

Yeah, well, tell me about it.

I'll leave you to it. Enjoy.

Thanks, by the way.

Happy to help.

-HE SIGHS

-Is this for real?

-Just till you make your first million.

-Oh, that's funny.

Not my idea.

Are you sure? I mean,

I bet you quite like the idea of telling me what to do.

DOOR SLAMS

-Hey, you're back.

-Looks like it.

I tell you, I could get used to this - the spas, the long lies.

-But only on your terms.

-What do you mean?

Well, you were never really into our Highland getaway, were you?

-I was, but...

-Spare me, Kel!

You're so bloody passive-aggressive.

"Let me speak to my ma. What about your mum?"

-That's not how it was.

-Whatever. We're going.

-What? No.

-Yes.

I want to spend Christmas with my family.

I'm your family!

Me, the new baby, Cal and nobody else.

Even if I have to drag you into the car, we're going to that hotel,

do you understand me?

-Yes.

-Good.

I'm sure we'll have a wonderful time.

Your uncle's got a bit of business he wants you to handle.

Do you know when you're going to tell him the truth?

-Not yet.

-I want to protect him for a little while longer.

-You promised me things were going to change.

-They will. I want them to.

I just need to do this. Please, just trust me.

Call your mother-in-law.

Tell her you're bring a plus-one for Christmas dinner.

# And the bells were ringin' out for Christmas Day. #

I really believed him,

you know, when he says all this stuff was behind us.

Oh, your husband's a piece of work.

You don't call the shots, Alex. Billy does.

I'm finished with this family.

You leave the family feet-first or not at all.

Scarlett, I love your decorations.

Oh, they were just from the cash-and-carry.

Really? I'd never have guessed.

Aye, aye, we've got company.

-What are we going to do?

-Just stay calm.