03/05/2016 River City

There's a definite tightness back there.

You're well shot of that place.

But it was my home.

I'm 25 years old, I've not got a girlfriend, no job, no home, nothing.

-I didn't know you were back.

-Aye, Stella's back.

Because if I was to choose a family for my wee lassie,

then...it would be yours.

TEARFULLY: It'd be you.

I don't need your help!

That wee boy in there,

please, I'm begging you, don't screw him up.

Morning!

Do you want a coffee?

Oh, aye? You're finally up? About time!

What's happening, mate?

You don't seem yourself.

Are you nervous about tonight?

What's happening tonight?

Your open mic night!

Oh. I'm not nervous about it.

Is this about your dad selling the house?

Look, just because your family are all away from Shieldinch,

you've still got all your pals here, you've still got us.

Aye, because that's exactly what you want out of life, isn't it?

Living with a happy couple. Brilliant.

You should get ready for work.

I don't feel like working.

Look, we've got a really busy day today. I need you, mate!

Angus, you won't feel any better sitting here all day feeling sorry for yourself.

If you go to work, who knows what might happen?

Eh? Your day might get better.

You're going to need to look after him today,

because he's obviously not feeling great.

He needs a good kick up the backside.

No, he needs his best mate to be supportive and understanding!

He's been trying too hard lately, with all these businesses.

I think he feels like a failure.

Well...

-He's kind of got a point, doesn't he?

-Bob!

I don't mean he's a failure, I just mean...

Well, this open mic thing, it's...

That was quick.

Are you not going to have a shower?

What's the point?

He needs you just now, so you just need to be patient.

I'll see you later.

Er, have you not got a kiss for me?

-Love you.

-Yeah, I love you, too.

Oh, sorry!

No, my fault. I should watch where I'm going.

-How's things?

-Yeah, busy day ahead.

I won't keep you.

Oh, how's Lenny?

He's fine. Same as usual.

Well, tell him I'll come and see him later.

I'm fine too, thanks for asking. My shoulder?

Have you forgotten already?

-I'm sure you'll be fine.

-See you later.

Sorry, Eileen. I meant to pick that stuff up.

No, don't be daft. You've got enough on your plate.

-Are you going out?

-I'm going for a coffee, yes.

Right. Is there any chance you could take Hope?

It's just...she's kept me up all night, I've not had much sleep.

-Oh, I can't, Stella, I'm meeting somebody.

-Oh, right. Who?

Brian. Well, if he shows up.

Brian? Really?

You seem surprised.

-No, er, it's just after everything that's happened...

-I know.

What changed his mind?

I told him I want him to spend some time with Stuart.

I hope he shows up.

Me too.

-I need my son!

-I'm sure he will. You're his mum.

No matter what happens, he still loves you.

Right, I need to go. Look, can you keep an eye on Stuart?

-Right, well, how long will you be?

-I'll be back soon.

OK, it's just because it's a bit of a struggle having the two of them together, you know what I mean?

Well, Stuart's just playing in his room. I'll only be ten minutes and then we'll be downstairs.

Right, but, see...

Thanks(!)

Right, just us! What are we going to do?

Oh, hi, Eileen! Lovely surprise! How are you?

-Yeah, fine.

-I was thinking about you the other day.

Well, thinking about Malcolm actually.

I was hoping that you were feeling better.

Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you.

No...

He's never far from my mind.

I miss him all the time.

But...he was always looking to the future,

so I'm trying to be just like him.

Oh, that's great. Stay positive, that's the key.

Now, what can I get you?

Well, I'd like something sweet if you've got anything?

What about one of my home-made muffins? Freshly made this morning.

Perfect, I'll have two.

Oh, aye? Hot date, is it?

At half nine in the morning?

No, I'm, um...

I'm meeting my son, actually.

Oh, great. Well, pass on my best.

So business is good then?

Oh, really good. And we're doing an open mic night.

Really exciting stuff.

I'm just loving being back here.

Well, you know Gina wants to sell the flat?

-Are you kidding me?

-No. I was thinking about it myself, but if you're interested,

she'd be delighted to sell it to you for the going rate. She just wants it off her hands.

Yes. I'm definitely interested.

I mean, obviously, I'd have to run it past Annie, but it's exactly what we're looking for.

-Oh, it's perfect, Eileen.

-Well, give me a ring when you've spoken to Annie,

and I'll put you in touch with Gina.

Eileen, you're an angel!

Gonna pass me that spanner?

Angus!

Spanner!

-What spanner?

-There!

Can you not get it yourself, no?

Well, what are you doing? You might as well make yourself some use.

I'm not your sidekick.

What?

I'm not Robin and you're not Batman.

What are you talking about?

Everybody round here's just out for themselves.

They pretend they're this big, friendly community,

but really everybody wants to see everybody else fail. I'm sick of it!

Where's this coming from?

Do you think my open mic idea's stupid?

No.

I heard you saying to Ellie you thought I was a failure.

-I never said that.

-You did, I heard you!

Look, I didn't mean "failure".

So what did you mean?

I just meant...maybe you're going about your life in the wrong way.

All these money-making schemes.

Maybe you're not meant to be an entrepreneur. Maybe you're just...

average.

Do you think I'm a failure?

No.

Do you think my ideas are stupid?

Look, I don't have time for this. Can we get on with some work please?

Are you going to hand me the spanner?

There's your spanner!

Mum!

Hey! All set for the big night?

Look, new flyers have arrived. Check it out!

We have to cancel it.

Cancel? Something wrong?

-I'm not doing it.

-Why not?

-It's stupid.

-What's stupid?

The open mic night. Nobody's gonna show up.

It was a stupid idea, so I'm cancelling it.

You can't just decide to cancel.

I've been planning for this.

-We've got a liquor license especially. I've advertised it.

-I don't want to do it any more.

No. No way, Angus. I'm not having that.

It makes the business look bad if we cancel last minute.

-So do it without me.

-This is your idea!

"Ask for Angus!" That's you, you're Angus!

It's a stupid idea and I'm embarrassed I even had it in the first place.

Look, just take these flyers and hand them out in the street.

And be humiliated and rejected?

If it was up to you I'd be dressed as a giant microphone as well.

That's not a bad idea actually.

Look Angus, open mic night was your idea, not mine.

Why should I be left to tidy up after your mess?

You're acting like a sulky teenager.

I need to go to work.

Angus, look at me. People I knew thought my ideas were stupid.

I've gone from banker to pie-man.

But I'm good at it,

business is booming.

See, sometimes, you have to risk looking stupid to be successful.

Look, I'm not cancelling it. And you better show up tonight.

Get over there, take these flyers to the gym, it's always busy there.

And go to a couple of the shops as well. That is all I ask of you

You'll do yourself an injury!

Nonsense, I'm deceptively lithe.

You know, ever since he joined that gym,

he thinks he's Burt Lancaster!

THEY LAUGH

Oh, hello there, Angus.

-Want to put some flyers up for us?

-Mm-hm.

-What are they for?

"Open Mick night?"

Open MIC night!

Oh! "An evening of stand-up, music and entertainment."

Oh, we'll definitely go to that!

-Finally, a bit of culture in this place!

-Great.

-Might as well do it in an old folks' home.

-Oh, none of your snark!

What a cheek.

Try and keep your back straight.

-You all right?

-Yeah, why?

You seem to be looking at me weird.

Just admiring your way with the women.

I'm just doing my job.

Yeah, well, that's why I hired you.

-Mm-hm?

-Mm-hm.

-Hadn't you better go back to work?

-Mm-hm.

Hi, Angus! Good to see you back.

You not been in the last couple of days.

I'm not here to train, I've just got some flyers to give you.

Oh, is this your open mic night?

See you later.

Angus.

You're not gonna try and sell it to me a bit more?

It's...a daft idea.

Why?

Who wants to come to an open mic night in Shieldinch?

But that's what's so great about it. Something a bit different.

Breathing new life into the community.

Shieldinch needs people like you and me, Angus.

Risk-takers. Innovators.

You don't need to give me the big speech, I've already had it from AJ.

It's all right for you.

But I'm a failure.

You are a failure.

-Thanks.

-And so am I! Look, I've been a failure all my life.

This is the first idea I've ever had that's actually been a success.

Look around.

Looks busy.

Yeah.

That's what I mean.

Bill Gates was a college drop out,

JK Rowling couldn't get anyone to publish her books.

Everyone fails before they succeed. Can't have one without the other.

Aye, but not everybody that fails goes on to succeed.

Some people are just failures all their life.

But you need to believe in yourself.

Self-confidence is everything.

There's a fine line between self-confidence and delusion.

Ladies and gentlemen.

If you have a talent to showcase, or if you're just looking for a good night out,

don't miss the open mic night tonight at The Oyster Cafe.

If you want any more information,

just grab a flyer from the devastatingly handsome young

gentleman with the lovely cheeky smile, standing right beside me.

It's, er, seven o'clock at the Oyster.

Cheers.

-See you there.

-Thank you.

-Thanks.

-See you tonight.

Tea OK? I mean, I could get you something else?

Tea's fine.

Brian, I really appreciate you coming back here today.

I want to apologise for the way I was before.

OK.

I'm sorry.

I was confused, I was grieving.

I didn't know what to think.

But you thought the worst.

You know, all my life, I've been bullied. Called mental and weird.

That doesn't happen any more.

Everybody I know can see the change.

Except you. My own mother.

Do you have any idea how that makes me feel?

I'd been through a lot.

-I wasn't thinking straight.

-I'd never harm Stuart.

-I know that.

-So where is Stuart now? Can I see him?

The night's on.

Where have you been?

I'm gonna make a success of this, and I don't need anybody's help.

You've changed your tune from this morning.

Have you been to that gym recently?

Mate, is there something wrong with your eyes?

Look, I'm pure packing man, go feel it.

I'm saying it's really busy and she built that up from nothing.

-She's got such a great energy.

-Who?

Angel. And she said Shieldinch needs people like me and her.

Innovators.

-I knew it.

-What? There's always a girl involved.

-Involved in what?

-With you!

Every time you go from miserable to happy,

it's always because a woman looked your way.

It's not about the girl. I don't even fancy her.

Well, I do fancy her a wee bit, but who wouldn't?

She's well out of your league, mate.

-Oh, is that right?

-Aye, that is right!

Well, how come she said I was "devastatingly handsome"?

-She what?

-And she said I had a lovely cheeky smile.

-No, she didn't.

-She did!

-She announced it to the whole gym!

You're winding me up.

She definitely fancies me.

Mate, she's playing games with you. She'd chew you up and spit you out!

-When are you gonna start being a mate?

-I AM a mate.

-Mates don't put you down.

-Aye, but they don't lie to you either, do they?

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Look, calm down, calm down. What is it?

Just through here.

Say hello to Brian.

-Hi, Brian.

-Hello, Stuart, how are you?

-Good.

-It's good to see you again.

I like your ball.

-Maybe we could go and have a wee kickabout? Would you like that?

-Yay!

Well, maybe we could all go after I've made us some lunch?

Why don't we go to the basketball courts and you can sort out lunch?

-Yes.

-Well, would you like that?

-Yeah!

-All right, OK, go and get your coat.

Right, well, um, I'll make some sandwiches and I'll meet you there.

Aye, OK. Whatever. That you?

Right, OK, let's go and play football, eh?

-Let's go. Say cheerio.

-Cheerio!

-Cheerio!

See you later! Right, let's go.

Hey! What was so important I had to leave work for?

I've, er, found us a flat.

Where?

Well, that's the best bit.

Ta-da!

What?

It's our flat. Gina's selling it.

And Eileen's giving us first shout before it goes to market.

Oh.

OK.

Look, you're in shock. I was in shock as well.

But think about it, right? We don't even have to move...

We'll get it at a very reasonable price...

And... Well, it's everything we've been looking for.

You know...

I can see us sitting on the sofa for the rest of our lives,

growing old and fat together in our pyjamas and slippers,

just like Mum and Dad.

Are you all right?

Yeah, well...

-You don't seem very enthusiastic.

-Well, what did you say to her?

-Well, I told her I'd speak to you first, obviously.

-Good.

But I also said that you'd be very interested.

Why did you tell her I'd be interested

if you hadn't even spoken to me about it?

-So, what? You're not interested?

-I didn't say that.

So what's the problem then? Stop being difficult!

I'm not being difficult! Don't accuse me of being...

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Yes, OK, OK. Thank you.

-I need to get back to work.

-Uh... We need to talk.

Well, we'll talk about it another time.

Well, I'll see you at lunchtime, then?

DOOR SHUTS, HE SIGHS

KNOCK AT DOOR

She's literally just stopped greeting.

I feel as if I'm goin' aff ma heid!

Oh, it's all right, I'm here to help.

Well, I just don't think I can cope with this any more, Bob, honestly.

It's too much.

Look, we'll take her out for a walk, give you a wee break.

No, I cannae ask you to do that.

You need some time to yerself.

An hour's sleep will make all the difference.

Thanks, you're a legend. I'll go and get her hat.

Look at her. Beautiful, ain't she?

-I cannae see her.

-What d'you mean?

Your shining armour's blinding my eyes, man.

Very funny!

It's strange how you can rush here to help her,

but you cannae help your best mate out.

-She's got real problems.

-What, and I don't?

(Here you go.)

She's a handful, ain't she? Just like her ma!

-Shut up!

-Now, you get some rest now, all right?

-See ya.

-Bye, darlin'.

SHE EXHALES DEEPLY

How long are we gonnae take this baby for?

I've got too much on the day.

Look, I'm just trying to help out a pal, all right?

Well, it might be more helpful if you find Stevie,

d'you know what I mean?

(Right, there we go.)

C'mon...

Hey. You two branching out into baby-sitting now?

-Well, eh... We're just, eh, lending a hand. Ain't we?

-Mm-hm.

Well, I'm surprised you've got the time.

-Are you upset about something?

-No. Why would I be?

Ellie, it was actually my idea.

I thought that she might help sell the open mic night.

-Everybody loves a cute baby.

-Mm.

-Aye, that's right.

Well, I'm glad to see you're in better spirits, Angus,

but I don't think you need the baby.

Bob's cuter than any wee baby! Ain't you, eh? Kchhh-kchhh!

SHE CHUCKLES I should get you a wee hat like that.

Gonnae stop it, huh?

Right, c'mon.

# Come and get it! #

Oh, you missed. You missed again!

LAUGHING: You missed again!

Ah, right. You get it and score a penalty, right?

Come and score...

Right, bring it in. C'mon, score... Go!

Oh! 2-2!

2-2! It's 2-2! Right, back up, go...

Eileen! I got your message. Is everything all right?

Everything's fine.

I just thought you might like to see this...

-'Oh! Was that in? Was that a save?' STUART:

-Naw.

-Oh!

-'Back up.'

-LIZ LAUGHS

-Thank you.

-Oh, what for?

-For bringing him here.

Oh, I didn't do anything. No, this was all Malcolm's idea.

Well...

I wish my dad was here to see this.

SHE CHUCKLES

You should tell him to... visit more often.

-'C'mon, swing it in.'

-I will.

This is his home.

-(Ah...)

-'Shoot!'

Open mic night at the Oyster?

-Gimme the baby.

-What for?

-Just gimme the baby.

-What?

-Open mic night?

-Oh, she's gorgeous.

Thanks. Her name's Hope. D'you want to take a wee flyer?

-Great, thanks.

-Hopefully see you there, cheers.

-OK.

-You're no' bein' much help.

-Naebody's interested.

All right, so you can help Stella, but no' me, is that it?

I saved you with Ellie and now you're no' returning the favour.

BOB SIGHS What're you pair playing at?

Uh, we're promoting the open mic night. You wanna come?

The open what-what?

-Nah, it's not for me.

-It's gonna be brilliant.

-If you don't come, you're gonna regret it. Everybody's gonna be talking about it.

-Hm.

-Hey, Angus.

-Hi, you!

-How's it going with the flyers? There's been loads of interest at the gym.

I'm just tellin' Jimmy how brilliant it's gonnae be.

People aren't into it.

-That's cos you're no' trying to sell it.

-You cannae sell something that naebody wants.

You should talk to my friend Cassie. She works in marketing.

I think you and her would hit it off, actually.

She's American. She knows loads about this kind of stuff.

American?

Nah, I prefer Scottish girls, they're much more fun.

-D'you know what I'm saying?

-BOB SIGHS

Right, uh... Well...I'll see you tonight then.

See you tonight, Angel. "Angel"...

That name really suits you.

-OK...

-SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

Well... See you!

(See ya.)

-What was all that about?

-He fancies her.

-What, were you flirtin' with her?

-I don't fancy her!

Well, I hope your promoting's better than your flirting, son.

-BOB SIGHS

-Mate, are we finished yet?

No. Open mic night?

HOPE MOANS

QUIET CHATTER IN PUB

So, what are you thinking?

-I'm thinking there's a lot of problems.

-Like what?

Well, we need to replace the boiler and it needs to be rewired.

I mean, how can we even consider buying this?

You're already talking about thousands of pounds.

I know, but that's still less money than we'd spend if we moved elsewhere.

-And the bedroom's too small.

-Why do we need a big bedroom?

The whole place is too small.

You've never said this before.

I say it all the time, you just never listen to me!

You know, I thought we would live somewhere in the West End,

or out in the countryside.

I thought that's what we talked about.

-Yeah, I know, but look what the report says...

-I have seen all I need to see.

Annie, this is a perfect opportunity, it's fallen into our laps.

So why are you throwing up obstacles?

I'm not throwing up obstacles. These are legitimate concerns.

HE SIGHS

Why is nothing ever good enough for you?

Why would you say that?

I... I just think we can do better.

-All right, don't try and make me feel guilty.

-I'm not trying to...

Yes, you are.

You're trying to manipulate me.

-I need to get back to work.

-Don't go, this is stupid.

We need to talk about this.

I'm trying to have an honest conversation for once.

I'll see you later.

HE SIGHS

Aah! Oh! Aah...

Oh, Patrick, thank goodness you're here!

I've hurt my back. Can you... Can you work your magic?

Oh, Patrick. PLEASE, Patrick!

I don't think I can listen to any more of his moaning.

I really think you should go to your GP.

Well, I couldn't get an appointment!

And I have to be fit for the talent show tonight.

-Ah... Ooh!

-Are you OK, Alasdair?

-Oh, I feel 20 years younger!

-Ah, well, you don't look it!

Look, I really think you should go home and get some rest, Alasdair.

No, I have to perform tonight at the Oyster.

Look, I really don't think that's a good idea.

I don't think anybody thinks it's a good idea.

I feel wonderful.

-Your boyfriend has magic hands.

-Aye, you're a big sook. Come on.

-Magic hands?

-Mm-hm.

-Thanks, Bob. I don't know what I'd dae without you.

-Hm.

BOB SIGHS (It's OK, it's OK.)

Do you know about Angus's thing at the Oyster tonight?

Aye, is that still happening?

It is, and I think you should come along.

Ah... I don't know, man, it's not really my thing.

You need tae get out more.

It's no' good for you being stuck indoors all the time.

Aye, but you'll be there with Ellie.

I can still hang about with you. Ellie will be fine.

-I don't know...

-Look, come for Angus.

If naebody turns up, he'll be all mopey again.

We need a good turnout for him.

Right, OK, I'll dae my best to come.

Brilliant. Right, well, I better get going, I'll...

maybe see you later on then? All right?

Maybe.

(Right. Bye-bye, Hope. See you.)

-Night. See you.

-See you.

We can't seem to avoid each other today.

-I've been trying my best.

-Well, you'll need to try harder.

I was just getting those vitamins you recommended for Lenny.

Good for you. See you later.

Hey, if... AJ needs anything for tonight,

tell him just to give me a call.

Tell him yourself, I'm not his secretary.

-Aye, he's a good wee footballer.

-He takes after your dad.

Go! It's just been great to spend time with him.

I'm glad you feel that way.

There's been something I've been meaning to talk to you about.

-Sounds serious.

-It's...

I know you've been having some money difficulties lately.

-I'll get by, I always do.

-Yeah, maybe, son, but...

It's hard as your mum to stand by and do nothing.

Mum, there's no need to lend me money if that's what you're saying. That's no' why I came here today.

No... No, I know that's not why you came, and...

It's not money I'm offering, it... It's something more.

-Oh, Stuart, be careful!

-Oh! Ho-ho-ho!

That your ball, wee man? Better watch you don't lose it, eh?

You take your ball, son, before the bad man bursts it.

-LENNY SNORTS

-Hey, it's not Brian, is it?

Here, you better be teaching the wee man the Green Cross Code.

He's gonnae be needing it if he's back behind the wheel.

-You need to shut your mouth.

-I never knew how you could be so forgiving, you know?

Letting a loony back into your life.

Brian, please. No' in front of Stuart.

Don't be a stranger, Brian.

-(Let's go.)

-Well, no' any stranger than he already is, eh?

Right. You've done all you can, OK? So, it's out of your control now.

-Aye.

-And you look great. Well, better than you did this morning!

ELLIE CHUCKLES

He's got his eye on a girl, that's why.

-Really? Who?

-Angel.

I can speak for myself.

Angel? She's... popular with all the boys, I hear.

-She's well out of his league.

-She's not out of his league!

She'd be lucky to have you, Angus.

-Thanks.

-Liar.

-When you gettin' ready?

-What you talking about? I am ready.

-You're goin' out dressed like that?

-What's wrang with how I'm dressed?

-Bob, you look like you're going for a bag of chips!

I love this shirt. THIS is my favourite shirt.

Well...will you change it? For me. PHONE BLEEPS

Right, I'll be back in a minute.

POP MUSIC PLAYS IN PUB

Brian... You do know not to pay attention to Lenny Murdoch, he's...

-He's all talk.

-I don't want to talk about it.

He doesn't see the change in you, like me.

-Mum, I don't want to talk about it!

-OK, OK.

D'you want another drink?

One of the best things about owning a pub...

you don't have to wait to be served.

Could you ever imagine yourself doing something like this?

Working in a bar?

-Owning a bar.

-No.

-Why?

-That's what I wanted to talk to you about.

What?

I'd like to give you this place... as a gift.

-This place? What place?

-The Tall Ship.

I'd like to give you the bar.

-Can we talk?

-I need to get ready.

Fine.

Look, can you help me with my tie?

You look nice.

Thanks.

-I'm sorry about earlier.

-Me too.

Look, I don't understand.

I thought things were good between us now. You seemed happy.

This tie is so fiddly...

The last time we...you know...

..it was better than it'd been in ages.

It was like when we first met.

Yeah. Yeah, it was.

I mean, I thought we were really starting to reconnect again, but...

you're so resistant to the idea of us having a home to grow old in.

Please, I don't want to fight about this any more!

Sorry, sorry, look... Come here.

-This is what I've always wanted.

-I know.

-But it has to be right for me too.

-Absolutely.

Look... Why don't we get our own survey done?

Then we can consider it more fully.

-Sure.

-And I won't push you into any decisions, I promise.

OK.

Look, I better get going. You are coming tonight, aren't you?

-Of course, I wouldn't miss it.

-OK.

What's that one?

Yeah, all right, OK.

That's a good one, I like that one.

-Oh, hiya, Brian. I didn't think you'd still be here.

-Mum's cookin' dinner.

She's been dead excited about you coming.

-Ah, we've had a good wee day, haven't we?

-Are you hanging about?

-Why, has Mum said something to you?

-About what?

-Well, about the bar.

-Naw.

-Well, she wants me to run it.

-Really?

Rather you than me! That place brings nothing but trouble.

What do you mean?

Hi! How's today been?

-Tough, but she's sleeping now.

-Good.

Listen, is there any chance you can maybe baby-sit the night?

-I was thinking about going out.

-Absolutely, yes.

Thank you. Right, I'll go and get ready the now.

-Dinner won't be long!

-Smells good.

Yeah, the... pub used to do good food.

-You could maybe get a chef.

-Mum, don't...

Look, just gimme some time to think about it, OK?

Take all the time you need.

Listen, why don't we go and set the dinner table just now, eh?

Will we do that? Right, let's go.

Calm yourself, Ellie!

I want to get here before any of the...

..punters.

Oh, glad you could make it. You can help me set up.

Why are you no' set up already?

-Well, because...

-You should be ready to go.

-People'll be here any second.

-Aye, let's hope so.

People'll show up. I know they will.

Am I the first here?

FRUIT MACHINE BLEEPS

-You here on your own?

-I'm sorry about earlier.

I shouldn't have spoken to you like that.

Can I buy you a drink?

No, no, look, it's on me. Can I have a whisky, please? Thanks.

You sure about that?

Well, you don't look like a white wine spritzer kinda guy.

Maybe you are.

You OK?

It's been a long day.

Would you like to talk about it?

-Eileen's offered to sell us Gina's flat.

-Really?

I'd no idea she was putting it on the market.

Well, she hasn't...yet.

She's offered it to us first.

But you're not interested?

I mean, AJ is.

I just... I just never imagined I would live somewhere like this.

-D'you still miss London?

-Well, who wouldn't?

Give this place a chance, you might be happy here one day.

I'm beginning to think that we won't be happy anywhere.

I used to feel sorry for people who were divorced.

Now I feel sorry for people who are married.

Well...

-I have to go to the Oyster.

-Open mic night.

-Yeah, are you going?

-It's no' my kind of thing.

Hm. Me neither.

I'll just go and freshen up.

Here, thanks for changing your shirt for me, you look really nice.

Ah, well, you know me, I like to make an effort.

LAUGHTER

Is there anywhere I can change?

You've brought a costume?

Just an old bed sheet I've fashioned into a toga.

The bathroom's through there?

-Right, let's call it a night.

-What? Already?

-Naebody's here.

-Give it a chance!

Naw, I'm going hame.

Look, don't go hame. People'll turn up, I know they will.

Stop pretending you care.

You've never believed in this, you've been against this idea fae the start.

-Maybe so, but I believe in it now, right?

-Well, you better stop believing.

I'm a loser, Bob, I always will be.

Come along, this is the place.

And there's the young man you should speak tae.

These poor folk have been wandering about lost.

Standing outside the charity shop for half an hour!

-Why?

-Because YOU got the map wrong, ya big blowhard!

Oops. My bad.

Right, well, come on in, everybody, and we'll get started.

I'll come round and take your names.

-AJ, can you get everybody a drink?

-GROUP ALL CHATTER

Hiya.

-MAN:

-Hello!

-In you come, pal.

MAN LAUGHS

What's going on, is everything OK?

Yeah, I just... I'm going to have to...

-I just need to go, sorry.

-Annie, wait.

Please...

Don't touch me.

Listen, you said something earlier on about the pub...

You know, just bringing nothing but trouble. What did you mean by that?

Nothin', it's no' important.

-No, please, I'd like to know what you meant.

-I'm going to be late.

No, please, tell me.

Right, well, you know what happened with Stevie?

Aye, my mum said he had to go on the run.

Aye, well, that would never have happened if he wasnae here.

But don't get me wrang, I'm no' blaming your ma or anything.

She was really, really good to Stevie.

Your mum and dad both helped him turn his life around.

Now I've lost everything.

You can't blame the pub for that. I mean, that's just bad luck.

Naw, I know, Brian, I know it's not rational, I know that, but...

If he wasnae here, then it wouldnae have happened.

-No, listen, I don't mean to make you upset, OK?

-No, I know, it's fine. I just... I need to go, OK?

-I'll see you later.

-HE SIGHS

(Oh, Brian...)

MAN PLAYS BLUES RIFF ON GUITAR

# So now I'm lonesome

# Except for my good old friend

# So now I'm lonesome

# Except for my good old friend... #

You'll be up next.

# I ain't got any more trouble

# Whoo! Right until the end. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-MAN:

-Yeah!

-WOMAN:

-Whoo!

-I wasn't sure you were coming.

-Oh, I just got held up with work.

Well, you're here now, eh?

-What was that for?

-We should carry on.

-Yeah, good luck.

ALL CHATTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-So, are we all enjoying the night?

-ALL:

-Yeah!

Well, that's great, because our next act is a three-hour reading

from Proust's evocative masterpiece Remembrances Of Things Past.

LAUGHTER

No, only joking, it's someone called Sam.

So, could I ask Sam to join us on the stage, please?

-Sam.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

You are not my boyfriend.

Calling you my boyfriend would mean it's something.

And if it's something, then when it ends, I'm left with nothing.

So it's better to say it's nothing than to admit it's anything.

Anything, call me anything but your girlfriend.

Let's fill in the gap

between complete strangers and soulmates with...something...

-What a night, mate. I'm proud of you.

-Cheers.

..Yes, I'm seeing you.

But if seeing is believing does that mean that I believe in you?

I don't believe we have a future, it's just a bit of fun.

The type of fun that makes me want to hold your hand when I'm drunk...

Anybody been to Canada? MIXED REACTION OF "YEAH" AND "NO"

You gotta go - full of Scottish people. Everywhere you go - Scottish people.

I'm thinkin', "It must have been tough for the first wee guy from Shieldinch

"who went to North America, bumped into his first ever Native American, and would've said to him,

" 'All right, Chief?' "

LAUGHTER

Listen, I've just been upstaged by Skippy,

so I'm going to call it a night.

You've been great, thank you very much! Cheers, thank you!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

ALL CHATTER

Hiya, it's nice to see you out. You look lovely.

You'd never think you'd only just had a baby.

-Thanks. You look lovely an' all.

-Oh, ta.

I'm just going to go and say hi to Bob. And Angus.

You came!

-Looks as if it's going well, huh?

-Seems to be, aye!

Ladies and gents,

please welcome the musical stylings of the Oyster's very own...

-Serge!

-WOMAN: Oh!

CHEERING

-You made it.

-Sorry, we're late. We just locked up.

Oh...

So... How's it been going?

It's been brilliant, aye. You should have been here earlier, you've missed some really cool acts.

Aye, we were working.

Yeah, there's been people doing slam poetry, stand-up, hip-hop...

It's been really chill.

Chill?

Yeah, chill.

All right, didn't realise it was the 1980s.

That's funny. You should try stand-up, Patrick.

What d'you think, Ellie?

-That's pure nice!

-Look at you!

Oh, shut up! BOB AND STELLA LAUGH

-AJ CLEARS HIS THROAT

-Angus, I need a quick word.

What is it?

Is anyone allowed to perform?

That's the idea, aye.

Right, can you refuse people?

Anybody that wants to perform should be able to perform,

no matter how out there or edgy it is.

-There should be no censorship.

-You're absolutely sure about that?

-Aye.

-Right then.

A touch of the Bard should placate the groundlings, me thinks.

-Does anyone have a knife?

-THEY LAUGH

HE PLAYS SPANISH GUITAR PIECE

PERFORMER PLAYS FAST-TEMPO REEL

-MUTED:

-You all right? You enjoying yourself?

Aye, it's really good...

-I thought...

-They're good, ain't they?

-You're not goin' up there, are you?

-Aye, away you go!

-BOB LAUGHS

-Hey. Why are you going?

ELLIE SCOFFS

-HE SIGHS

-They're just friends.

I don't care.

I'm not standing there myself while he's over there with her.

I'll be back in a minute.

All right?

Aye, where's he gone?

Ellie!

Ellie, wait!

There's nothing goin' on! We're just pals.

Pals? Pals don't behave like that with each other.

You were all over her!

Look, Stella's having a really hard time right now

and I'm just trying to be there for her as a pal.

Oh, right. So, what, you were just gonnae ignore me all night?

No! But...

She needs me as well.

-Well, what about me? I need you.

-I'm sorry!

Ellie, please stay! I cannae leave Angus on his own the night!

Aw, please! Angus is fine on his own.

It's Stella you don't want to leave.

OK, folks, how does the idea of a bit of classical theatre

appeal to you?

MUTED RESPONSE

Not very much, by the sounds of it.

Well, here to change your mind with a monologue

from Shakespeare's Julius Caesar...

please welcome, Alasdair.

CHEERING

Friends, Romans... Aah!

What... What's wrong?

Could someone help me, please?

-Oh!

-Quick!

-Aah...

-Don't move.

-Come on.

-Is that your back again, dear?

-Oh...

-Oh, careful.

-Take your time.

-Caa canny, now, caa canny.

-Oh...

-Give us a minute, folks, thanks very much.

-We've got you.

-PATRICK:

-You're OK, you're OK.

-Aah!

Would you like to hear a wee song now, eh?

SOME CHEERS

# She gets too hungry for dinner at eight... #

Oh, come on, Molly, we need to get him home!

So much for your...

Big hand for Alasdair - safe home - and big hand for Molly. Thank you.

-MAN:

-Whay!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Thanks very much.

-Lovely stuff.

Mum, I better think about going.

Have you decided about the pub?

It's fine if you need more time, it's just...the sooner I know...

I've decided.

I have to say no.

I can't move back to this place.

You know, it would be a huge step backwards for me.

I work really hard every day to try and stay well.

And there's just too many bad memories here.

I don't think you're giving yourself enough credit.

I mean, think about how you'll be able to provide for your family

and how good that'll feel as a father.

Mum, look what happened the last time I lived here.

That doesn't mean the same thing'll happen again.

You need to believe in yourself more.

I do believe in myself.

It doesn't seem like it.

You're turning down a really good opportunity because...you're scared.

Mum, why d'you never listen to me? You've never respected me.

Oh, I do respect you, Brian.

You're my son and I love you.

And not a day goes by when I don't regret what happened between us

and how I let you down.

And now I want to start to make it up to you.

More than anything, I want to help you.

Mum, I do want you in my life...

..just not here. And I can't live here.

OK.

(Come here.)

BOB SIGHS

Is Ellie away?

Aye. We just had a fight.

Well, you can hardly blame her for feeling jealous.

So you're taking her side?

You've got history with Stella.

It must be hard for her seeing you two together.

Imagine how you'd feel.

I cannae even go in and talk to Stella now in case Ellie feels bad.

I mean, I invited her, I'm no' gonnae just abandon her.

What you talkin' about? She's havin' a great time.

You got her out the house and she's having fun, but...

Ellie...

You either look forward or you look back.

It's your choice, mate.

Everything all right?

Aye... I'm just coming.

QUIET CHATTER IN PUB

So, I hope you all had a good night...

-ALL: Yes!

-And let's do it again sometime!

CHEERING

Now, before you all go home -

and this won't take long, I promise you - it's just a...

Well... It's a short poem that I've written for my lovely,

long-suffering wife, who's...

-ALL: Aw!

-..sitting there.

I'm not much of a poet And don't I know it...

But I hope you'll like The way that I flow it.

GROANING AND LAUGHTER

Thank you. Here goes.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

I know I'm hard to live with I make an awful mess

And when I did the laundry I shrank your favourite dress...

True story.

I'm a good listener, a great chef I admit I could be greater

I'd also say I'm a pretty good lover

But we'll talk about that later...

-AUDIENCE: Oh!

-Oh.

I love you more than anything I'm so happy you're my wife

I want us to be together forever...

My heart, my soul, my life.

ALL: Aw!

APPLAUSE

Thank you, Annie. I'm sorry if that embarrassed you, but...

..I love you.

APPLAUSE

Whisky, mate. Large.

-It was a great night.

-Thanks for coming.

Listen, can I... Can I just say something?

Actually, I'm... I just want to go home, I'm pretty tired.

-Can we talk about it another time?

-It'll only take a minute.

-I'm sure it can wait.

-Please?

Look, Angus,

you're a really nice guy and I'm really flattered,

but I'm just, I'm not looking for a relationship right now.

No...

I wanted to say thanks... for everything you said earlier.

You really inspired me.

And if you hadn't encouraged me, I might not have came tonight.

I feel like I've finally found something I'm good at.

Oh. Well... That's good then.

Well, I better get back in.

I could... walk you home, if you like?

TV BLARES

-Can we talk?

-I'm watching the telly.

BOB SIGHS

TV SWITCHES OFF

Look, I cannae help that I've got a past with Stella.

You're gonnae have to accept that.

Well, I don't think I'm being unreasonable, Bob.

She's your ex-wife. You'd be the same if it was me.

-All right, I won't see her again.

-I don't want you to not see her again!

-I don't want us to have that kind of relationship.

-So, what dae you want?

-Just...

I just want you to understand how I feel.

I dae understand.

You're right.

I would feel jealous if it was one of your exes,

-but you've got tae believe me that I've got nae feelings for Stella, we're just pals.

-If you say so.

How can I convince you?

I've offered not to see her again,

but even that's not good enough for you.

I hate feeling like this. I hate us fighting.

So dae I.

I just...

I don't want tae lose you.

You're the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Well, you won't lose me.

Are we all right?

Aye. Yeah, we're all right.

So...

D'you want to go to bed?

I was enjoying my programme.

-..So it's not as big a deal!

-SHE LAUGHS

Oh, God!

-HE EXHALES DEEPLY

-I had a lovely night tonight.

Yeah, me too.

Well, good night.

Good night.

-Oh, Patrick! Your... Your jacket.

-Thanks.

Mummy...

Hi, sweetheart! Can you not sleep?

Come here.

Come and give me a cuddle.

Annie?

Annie?

Annie?

And now you're the bullies,

throwing your weight around and trying to kick people

out their homes.

Just you focus on passing that exam and getting into uni.

I'll deal with Lenny Murdoch.

Consider this notice served.

Say no to the Murdochs!

Now I'm beginning to get a sense of the real you.

Yeah?

Yeah, you're happy to persecute families, ruin lives...

I've got an interview with the landlady.

For the new manager's job?

You kissed me, Patrick.

I'm sorry, it should never have happened.