24/10/2017 River City

Your MS, Callum, work... something's got to give.

Lenny's a baddie. Baddies can't be Superman.

Maggie McLean's file has gone missing

-and you were the last person to have it.

-She's collapsed.

I think she might have had some kind of allergic reaction to something.

This is tampering with evidence.

We can't be held accountable if we didn't have the information.

I don't care if the record was missing or no',

I'm still making a complaint.

You're fired.

No way! It says you need a drill. I don't do drills.

It's just like a hand mixer except with a different

-bit on the end of it.

-I don't do baking either!

What am I going to do with this stuff?

I'll be looking at it to midnight. Where am I going to put it?

I have got a life as well, you know.

Oh, what, you and Madonna sitting in your onesies,

fighting over the wordsearch?

Hi, what's all this, then?

It's a wee project for my mother,

to keep her stimulated in her twilight years.

I'll twilight you! I'm in my prime.

-Like Miss Jean Brodie.

-Eh?

-Miss Jean Brodie!

-Was she no' an old spinster that didnae have a life?

No, she was a free spirit that embraced life.

Had all her lovers dangling on a string.

Oh, did she, now?!

-Catch you later.

-No' if I catch you first.

What?

Charlotte, come and eat your breakfast.

It's all right, I gave her some flakes while you were in the shower.

Did she actually eat any?

Oh, look at you, sweetheart. All up and dressed before me.

I'm Charlotte, Grandad, not sweetheart.

Nearly forgot someone.

-Your wee pal.

-He's a blue stegosaurus.

Yeah, of course he is. Right, you and Stegosaurus need to get going.

Come on, Grandad, you need to get dressed.

Ah, but I'm already dressed.

It's fine, I'll take her today.

What, at this time? I always take her to school.

Yeah, and this morning, I want to take her.

Tell you what, I'll come and pick you up, eh?

You can't, me and Mummy will be on our special trip.

What special trip?

She's just confused. Might be a school trip.

It's nothing to do with the school trip.

Can your granda no' come?

Granda needs to clear this mess up, eh?

You've not got anything else to do, have you?

Right, Charlotte, we're going to be late.

I can't be late, Ma!

DRILL WHINES You are pure doing my nut in!

Get in!

-Are you serving the day or what?

-I says gie us a minute!

Scarlett, that was ages ago. I'm starvin'.

Angus, would you say it was acceptable for a woman my age

-to get back on the randan?

-What?

You know, the randan. The scene.

The whoo bus. The push and pull.

-I suppose.

-And if I was to get back on that bus...

-The whoo bus.

-Aye.

..and you seen me on it, would you think to yourself,

"Oh, she's a fine-looking woman for her age"?

-Scarlett, I'm your son's best pal!

-Just tell me.

Aye. Aye, you're all right, I suppose.

All right, aye, or all right, I'm no'?

Erm, you've got a nice...forehead.

-Is that all?

-And good...

..good hair. Good, strong...

-..follicles.

-I mean this!

-Aye, it's pleasant.

-Pleasant?

Pleasant is for budgies or meal deals, no' a woman's face.

You know your trouble, Angus?

You don't eat a good enough breakfast here.

Have one of them on the house, they're full of goodness.

Everything in that basket of his is beige. No, you're all right.

The young ones these days!

It's amazing they've no' all got rickets.

SHE CHUCKLES

-What can I get you?

-A good lawyer, by the looks of it.

This pineapple stand, it's doing my dome in. Honestly!

I just don't have a scooby how to screw anything.

I mean... The shelf, I mean, no' me personally.

Do you want me to have a go?

SHE GIGGLES

The shelf, I mean, no' you personally.

Aye, be my guest.

DRILL WHINES Oh!

Can't be hanging around outside my house, we agreed.

Hey, when it comes to 30K, I can be wherever I want, trust me.

He said he'll get your money, so he will.

Oh, he will, but that's no' what I'm worried about.

-So what's the problem, then?

-Him and Lenny in cahoots!

-That's my problem.

-What are you talking about?

-Look...

I don't want to blow my own trumpet,

but when I ask somebody for what's mine, they cough it up pronto.

It's been three weeks and it tells me

he's doing someone else with my money.

Think about it, gives the 30K to Lenny, Lenny invests it

in a few deals, Stevie could double his money in a few weeks.

-Lenny is retired.

-What do you think he's doing?

Playing carpet bowls?

Making miniature windmills for his pals?

-Folk like Lenny never retire.

-Stevie wouldn't risk it.

You inherited him from Lenny, Lenny is his first port of call.

Risk has got nothing to do with it.

Watch him.

Keep him close.

-Right, put part A...

-Uh-huh.

-..in part C...

-Uh-huh.

..then click part D into the perforated area.

But I've done that.

We're like Haudit and Daudit here. I mean, how hard can this be?!

Oh! THEY LAUGH

I'm sorry.

BOTH: So, do you...?

-You go first.

-No, you go first.

Well, do you ever...

..get out and about much?

-Out-out?

-Aye.

Aye, well, I've got weans, so it's...

Oh, but I mean, I can get out-out if I really needed to, aye.

Well...

Where is it?

Ah, I've heard it can make you ten years younger

and gie you the energy of a whippet.

-You should try it.

-What's that meant to mean?

You're looking awfy...

-Awfy what?

-Awfy peely-wally.

Scarlett, have you got a screwdriver?

In the back shop.

-Do you know what you need, hen?

-What?

-Some fun.

Something to bring the rosiness back into they cheeks of yours.

Aye, well, I was just trying to get some fun when you barged in there.

Aye, well, the trouble with you is, Scarlett,

you're too feart to let they weans go.

They can look after themselves

and it's about time you started looking after number one.

You'll be a long time deid.

Oh, listen, I don't suppose you fancy coming to

my jive class the night?

-We're a wee bit short on big handsome men.

-Ma!

-Two left feet, I'm afraid.

-Do you hear that, hen?

Yous two were made for each other!

Get his number.

Right, erm, part A...

Checking up on me?

-Just passing.

-Were you just passing earlier as well, I take it?

Too many drivers.

You expand too fast, a sure way to bankruptcy.

I need to expand to keep up with the demand.

You can't just be dropping by here whenever you feel like it.

That right?

As long as you're here, they'll look to you and not me.

So if I'm going to run this place the way I want,

I need their full attention,

and I need you to not be dropping in here whenever the mood takes you.

I'm the boss and I set the rules.

Is that clear?

Howfoot, bad payers.

Wouldnae touch it with a barge pole.

Oh, your sister, if you see her,

tell her to call me.

Hi. We're not open yet but feel free to take a pew.

-You look lost.

-No, just chilling, checking out the vibe.

Ah, shooting the breeze from one cosmic hamlet to another.

Something like that.

I used to be you.

-Did you?

-Yeah.

Writing poems on fag papers,

-dancing in a loincloth under a new moon.

-You travelled a lot?

I've been around in my time. America, Europe, Milton Keynes.

Oh, here, here.

If the wife asks, say it was the postman what did it.

-I don't want to get you in trouble.

-Och!

-I'm actually looking for a room to rent.

-Oh.

What about here?

The Ship used to rent rooms but we're full to the gunwales now.

You don't ask, you don't get.

We've taken in a lot of waifs and strays.

Oh, thanks very much!

No, I didn't been like that, it's just that we seem to accrue folk.

We've got Suzie, Danny, Jules...

-Jules?

-Yeah.

Don't know where we found Jules.

She's away on a field trip with the uni.

Lucky for some. Doing what?

Engineering.

Hope you're going to give me the £1.50 for that can

you've just gave away.

This isnae the '60s, doll, there's nothing free going about here.

-Eyes like a hawk.

-And arms like Godzilla if you don't

get a move on with they tables.

Mind, we need to be at the hospital for lunchtime

because we're picking up my maw an' all.

-Hospital?

-Aye, her mum, she gets out today.

I need to get a job.

-You're not looking for any extra bar staff here, are you?

-I'm sorry.

There's a new restaurant, The Two Jailbirds.

-They might be looking.

-Thanks, erm...

-Pete.

-Rock.

-And roll.

No, Pete means "rock" in Greek.

That's me, The Rock.

I didn't catch your name.

Shelley. It's French for "gift from God".

-Oh, really?

-No.

Pete!

PHONE RINGS

I'm afraid Dr Murdoch's on leave at the moment

but the locum shouldn't be long, so just wait here.

Sorry, it's been manic all morning.

SHE SIGHS

I just wondered if you have anything for today.

With the new doctor, if at all possible.

Let me see if I've had any cancellations.

Annie?

I thought I fired you.

I'll rearrange for another time, Kim. Thanks anyway.

You can't be here.

And neither should you be.

If we're being pedantic about it.

I was reinstated.

You can send the next patient in, then, can't you?

Aw, oh! SCARLETT LAUGHS

It's dead awkward, this, isn't it?

Put it against there, they'll no' know.

There you go.

Do you think the gaffer tape will hold it?

We've used the full roll. I mean, that display is no' for shifting.

-Good thinking, Batman!

-No' the first time.

My daughter's Wendy house, Christmas Eve, 2000... Oh!

Oh, right, you've got weans?

-Two girls.

-Aww!

I don't see them near as much as I'd like to.

-They're lovely.

-Aye.

And then when you do see them,

you worry about what you might have missed.

Keep busy, that's my motto.

What about you? You separated? Divorced?

Separated. It's a long story, but.

I've got all day.

Aye, have you got a whole weekend with nae interruptions,

me going at it like the clappers?

Oh!

Lydia!

-Your magazine came in the day.

-Magazine?

-Aye.

You know, the one about... catering and the Costa Del Sol.

Oh, good. I look forward to reading that.

Aye, there's some really nice recipes in it.

We could chat through them right now, this second.

-Will I just go the now?

-Aye.

-No.

I mean, well, we're just going to be discussing herbs and spices

and stuff about tomatoes.

I'll leave you to your tomatoes and that.

Aye, see you.

Don't say a word.

SHE CHUCKLES

I'm needing some cover for today, possibly tomorrow.

No, don't put me on hold.

I'm from the agency.

Well, that was quick,

considering I didn't actually get through to anyone.

Can't say I don't get brownie points for trying.

How do I know you're legit?

Passport, national insurance number, bank card -

all here.

References, work experience?

Phone numbers from every bar, cafe, hotel I've worked in over

the past few years in and around Southeast Asia. Just ask for Jimmy.

And they're all called Jimmy?

Saves any confusion.

Look, I know it's not the best CV in the world,

but I've been out there,

travelling the big bad world, surviving on my own for years.

Surely that's the best training anyone can have.

Please.

I need a break.

And what would you say is the golden rule of being a waiter?

Never serve anything or anyone that looks creepy, runny or wrong.

When can you start?

After you buy me breakfast. I'm starving.

Come on.

Through here.

-I can't ask him out.

-Why not?

You said he was about to ask you.

Maybe I imagined it. And I don't even know him.

Well, that's the nice bit, the getting to know you bit.

Oh, I feel all sick when I'm around him, but. Hot flushes.

I start talking rubbish.

I couldn't even finish my egg roll this morning and that's no' me.

-Well, that's called attraction.

-It's called stupidity.

At my age? What am I thinking?

There is no age limit to falling for someone.

Well, at least I hope not.

What if he turns out to be a nutter?

I mean, they all start off as nice as pie and then they turn on you.

-I mean, what if that happens again?

-But you're a different woman now.

And wiser.

And think of what you've learned.

Aye, that you're better off on your ain. Naebody gets hurt that way.

So is that it, then? Conversation over?

Well, I've got wee Madonna to think about.

I mean, it's no' just me.

But having Madonna and having a life don't cancel each other out.

You can have both, you know.

-What if I ask him and he says no?

-He might say yes.

Right, well, what if he says aye and then I fall in love with him

and then he turns into a nutter and then he breaks my heart?

Well, you won't know that until you get to know him.

-And you won't get to know him unless...

-I ask him out.

So if you don't take a chance, you don't stand a chance.

-You can't be here.

-As you can see, I am, so...

Annie, it doesn't look good. KNOCKING

-The locum's here. What do I do?

-Annie, please.

I'm surprised Kim hasn't called the police already.

-I wouldn't do that.

-I trusted you.

She was the one that called me to come and get you.

You have to give her that.

I don't have to give her anything, she cost me my career!

Do you know how much this place means to me? Do you?

You need to calm down and come home with me now.

Do not patronise me.

PHONE RINGS

How are you getting away scot-free when I'm about to lose everything?

I did that for you.

No, you did it to prove to Lenny that you can match him.

-It's got nothing to do with me.

-I had to sort things out.

Then sort this out.

That complaint, it has to disappear.

And fast.

Who will I say is asking? Sorry, demanding.

Oh, aye, where did they find you, then?

A little boutique agency called takes-no-gyp.com. Ever heard of it?

Yeah. That's next door to less-of-your-cheek-doll.com.

Heard of that?

Just tell Amber Lenny dropped by.

Lenny Henry? Lenny Bruce? Lenny Kravitz?

-Her da.

-Her D-A...

-Just tell my daughter to call me.

-Sure.

-Where's Amber?

-How should I know?

You're business partners, you work together. Where is she?

Well, she asked me not to...

I don't give a monkey's what she asked you. Tell me.

She's up the hospital with Charlotte, getting some tests.

What hospital?

She didnae say.

Hiya! Fancy coming out for a voddy with me the night?

No, it's too common.

Douglas... No, Dougie.

Do you fancy coming out on a date with me tonight, aye or naw?

-Seven?

-Well, you have to have bridesmaids!

-Aye, but no' half of Shieldinch.

-Well, just the six, then.

-Did you get a hold of Amber?

-No.

-If she turns up, tell her I'm looking for her.

-Aye.

Oh, by the way...

-Up to anything later?

-No. How?

I want a complete update on everything they two are brewing.

Dougie!

-All right?

-Aye, you?

-Aye.

-Are you wanting something?

-No, aye, no.

Actually, erm...

Would you like to go out on a date with me the night?

-Oh, I don't know if...

-Don't worry about it, it's fine.

It's fine.

Gloria!

Hi!

Knock, knock.

Pete. Sit down.

How's Maggie doing? I heard she's getting out today.

Aye, she's fine. She gets out this afternoon.

Well, get a cab to collect her. Put it on my account.

-There's no need to do that.

-I'd like to.

-Is everything all right?

-Yeah, it's a lovely gesture, boss, it's just...

Just Caitlin, you know, she's still a bit, you know...

-We're in the middle of a meeting here.

-Shift.

-As director of field operations within this establishment...

-Shift!

I was right.

-About what?

-I just saw Stevie talking to Lenny.

It means nothing.

What do you mean, it means nothing? He's a grass!

I'm no' starting wars because you saw two folk talking in the street.

-I don't want to tell you how to run your business...

-Then don't.

..but if I was you, I'd be having a quiet word with Stevie O'Hara.

Find out where his loyalties lie.

If you don't, I can definitely prize it out of him.

Fine.

If it makes you sleep easier at night, I'll have a word.

Oh, I sleep OK, cuz.

It's you I'm worried about.

DOOR SLAMS

Lyddie!

Hey.

Hello! Hi!

What did the doctors say?

-Oh...

-What did they say?

Well, they can't diagnose anything yet. It's going to take more time.

-What kind of answer's that?

-They're the experts. They know what they're talking about.

-Aye, sound like a bunch of amateurs to me.

-Is everything all right?

Look, I know people, OK? They can pull strings,

get her in, seen early. Just let me help.

-I don't need your help, Dad.

-You've got to sort this, Amber.

Well, how can I sort something when I don't know what it is yet?

See? See, this is what I mean.

This is why I should have been with you the day.

You don't ask enough questions

and you don't push for answers. You're too soft with them.

Amber, why don't you take Charlotte into the house?

You think I didn't ask questions?

Ten pages of questions, 20 pages of notes.

You want to check if I've missed anything out,

seeing as you're the expert?

Come on, Charlotte.

Come on.

You never let me finish.

Finish what?

Earlier, when you were asking...

-Just out of interest, what do yous two talk about?

-Eh?

Well, if the romance is over and you sit down and, you know,

have a conversation and a laugh and that.

I mean, would she even know who Dusty Bin was?

Or Duran Duran or... Shake N' Vac?

Gloria?

She's my niece!

-Oh, I thought she was...

-What, that we were an item?

HE LAUGHS

Well, men always prefer younger women, don't they?

Hmm. No' always.

Maybe, er...

..I prefer my women a bit more...mature.

Oh, aye?

I especially like it if they know who Dusty Bin is.

SHE GIGGLES

Oh, and by the way, Duran Duran -

lightweights.

Spandau Ballet, they were a band to follow.

-I think you'll find Duran Duran had more hits.

-Oh...

Oh, well, the Durans may have had the hits,

but the Spandaus had more depth.

Oh? The Wild Boys, The Reflex, Rio? They all had depth.

You were just too busy trying to be cool to hear it.

-I'll convert you.

-Oh, will you, now?

Anyway, about earlier...

-Oh, forget it.

-I just wanted to say...

..I'd love to go out tonight.

-Seriously?

-Aye.

Look, just let me check I can get cover.

-I'll pop back in later, all right? Once I'm sure.

-Aye, all right.

-Dougie?

-Aye?

I mean, are you sure?

You don't have to.

I want to.

Right.

I'm not accusing you of anything. I'm merely asking.

What's this about?

You served under Lenny.

-Aye, so?

-So you might still feel a loyalty towards him.

I'm loyal to you, 100%.

Good.

Let's keep it that way.

-Is this Rick's doing?

-Rick?

I thought this might be about his money.

He's a big boy, he can take care of that himself.

I'm going to need a wee bit more time.

Well, don't take too long.

He's not a man who's known for his patience.

-Is that everything?

-Yeah.

For now.

Oh...

Erm...

I just saw Maggie.

Thought you might want to know that she's out.

You shouldn't even be standing.

Will you two stop fussing? I'm fine.

-The doctor says you've not overdo it, Mum.

-Ellie, I know my own body.

I'm fine.

Right... What are yous having?

-Drinks are on me.

-Let me.

Welcome home, Maggie. How are you feeling?

-Ah, good as new.

-This is for you. It's for loss of earnings.

-Oh.

-You cannae buy people off!

-Caitlin!

I'm not trying to buy anybody off.

Alex...

..you tried to pay them off?

We won't be bought.

What? They need to know.

There are bigger things going on in the world, Caitlin.

There might be bigger things going on in the world right now, Ma,

but you're my priority.

Now away home and get some rest.

So, what?

Caitlin has a lassie fit and you let her get away with it?

Yeah, well, sometimes fighting fire with fire

doesn't always achieve the best outcomes.

In my experience, it does.

So...

..what do you want to do with her?

A quiet word, nothing heavy-handed.

Just get her to drop the complaint.

-Where's the fun in that?

-I mean it!

What about Stevie?

I'll deal with Stevie if you sort Caitlin.

No, no, no, no, come on. I can do both.

Don't push your luck!

Stevie?

I need a quick word as soon as.

So, is this your new hang-out?

HE SIGHS

What do people do all day?

-What do you mean?

-In retirement.

All I had to do today was take Charlotte to school.

And even then, Amber decided she was going to do that.

So I thought, "What will I do? I know, go out.

"Get a paper, a pint of milk, a light bulb."

So that's what I did.

That was it.

Buying a 60 watt light bulb was the highlight of my day.

-SHE LAUGHS

-It's not funny.

-It is a bit.

-Hellish.

Oh, you need a hobby.

I need my family to...

To what?

I'm sitting here, right? I'm looking round at all these buildings.

I worked hard, I worked very hard to get it

so that my family could have a decent future and...

You don't feel welcome any more?

Well, to start...

..Alex needs to spray his territory

to prove to you that he's got the Murdoch gene.

And Amber, well, she might be Daddy's little girl,

but she still needs to prove to you and herself that she can do it.

Do what?

Be a good mum to Charlotte.

And I can help her.

If she wants our help, she'll ask for it.

-And you're fine with that?

-No.

It's horrible, if the truth be told.

And lonely.

And most of the time, I just feel like a spare part

or that I'm just getting in the way.

I wasn't far behind you today, you know, in the light bulb queue.

How do you cope?

Oh, I sit on a bench and I wait for other folk to turn up

who feel just as left out as me...

..and we help each other.

Come on, you're freezing. Let me buy you a drink.

Aye, maybe they're doing a pensioners' deal, eh?

Ooh... Do you think they do malt with a straw?

-I think my teeth are coming a wee bit loose.

-Oh, that's not funny.

That's damn funny. Laugh. You know you want to.

HE WHISTLES A JAUNTY TUNE

I don't want any interruptions.

Got a little proposition for you.

It needs some work, but the rental potential would be a good return

-if my figures add up correctly.

-Oh, right.

I need you to get in before the auction.

Bit of gentle persuasion.

I'm not going to pay top dollar for them. Wouldn't be worth my while.

And are you sure that you want me to handle this for you?

Why wouldn't I?

Oh, it's just that I thought that, erm...

Forget it.

Forget I said anything. I'm glad you asked me.

I need someone reliable, and I trust you to do a good job.

Hiya!

Are you all right, Scarlett?

Aye... The man from Del Monte.

The man from Del Monte? Oh!

THAT man from Del Monte?

Aye! He said yes!

What do I do now?

Cover your ears.

I'll go get a top up.

I mean, do I dress up, dress down? Get the hair done?

Shave the legs? I mean, they've no' been touched in years.

And where do we go? I've got no idea.

Somewhere public.

Not too noisy and not too expensive.

Right, thanks.

See you later.

Stevie, can I book a wee table for the Two Jailbirds tonight?

Aye, sure. What's it for?

I've got a date.

-Dougie.

-Right.

-You don't seem too pleased.

-You hardly know him.

He's a nice guy.

They all are, to begin with.

No, he is, I can tell.

And gie's a nice wee table, not one too near the bogs or anything.

Well, a woman of your age, that might come in handy.

Aye. Right, near, but not too near.

-What's all this?

-He's asked me to make a move on that.

Nice wee earner.

-Where's he getting the cash flow for this?

-No idea.

-But I'm certain that Rick doesnae know about it.

-Are you sure?

Well, he took me to his flat specifically

so Rick wouldn't see us.

-Love on the rocks with they two, eh?

-Here's hoping.

Ho! You serving or what?

Sounds like a plan.

And, er...after that?

-See where the night takes us.

-Ooh!

THEY LAUGH

-What are you doing?

-Oh, Madonna, this is Dougie.

-What are you doing?

-Madonna...

Oh...

Are we still on for tonight?

Dougie, I think we'd better hang fire.

I better go and check she's all right.

Do you want to look after the shop for me? Madonna!

It's not what you think, darling.

Dougie's...

Dougie's just a friend.

We were just talking.

-I'm sorry, Madonna.

-Go away!

I was going to tell you.

When?

When it was right.

You said you wanted to be on your own.

You said that from now on, it was me, you and nobody else.

That's what you said.

Aye, and it's still that way.

Don't patronise me.

I saw the way you were all cuddly-cuddly.

Madonna, darling, I won't do this if you don't want me to.

You'll do what you like. You always do.

Hey...

Amber, come on, wait.

What?

I was just wanting to say...

..I'm sorry.

Look, I know this thing with Charlotte,

it's not something I can fix or control.

It isn't.

This is it, Dad.

-I need to be able to do things my way without you...

-Taking the reins.

Yeah, without you taking the reins or finishing my sentences.

You're a good mum, Amber. You need to know that.

I just...

I'm finding this transition hard.

Well, I can see that.

I just thought maybe sometimes you could let me help, you know?

Baby-sitting, taking the wean to school.

Well, you saved the community centre.

How much more do you want to do?

That was last week.

You did a good thing.

Aye?

Ah, well.

You don't fancy baby-sitting tonight, do you?

Oof, tonight?

Aye, of course!

All right, erm...

Three stories and then bed.

-OK?

-OK.

Ho-ho-ho! Oh, I'm looking at some old photies.

They're amazing.

There's me up north with the chapel youth club.

Eaten alive by midges,

but I still got my money's worth out of that kilt.

And see that boy standing next to me with the sambas and the drainpipes?

Pure fancied him rotten.

He went off to be a priest after that holiday.

Funny, that.

Oh, and there's you as a baby.

Oh, look, you were just born!

Look at your daddy. Still didnae have hair back then, eh?

Oh, look how much he's changed.

Oh...

Look how much I've changed.

I know you're trying to do.

-What do you mean?

-Trying to tell me that people have to move on in life.

I get it.

-But I won't move on from my dad.

-I'm not asking you to do that.

Then, what are you asking?

I'm just asking you to accept

that me and your daddy have had to move on.

No' you.

Just him and me.

But that doesn't mean that we're going to love you any less.

"Scarlett O'Hara. 1983."

Oh, aye.

That's who I'd like to be again.

O'Hara.

I'd like to see if she's still in there.

Is that all right?

Only if I remain a Mullen.

It's a deal.

Why are you wearing a Lycra two-piece with citrus fruit all over it?

Cannae believe I left the house looking like that.

But, to be fair, your figure's a-mazing!

Madonna Mullen, would you do me the honour

of being my plus-one at The Jailbird tonight?

I'd love to.

But I'm washing my hair.

-You might want to think about asking your new friend.

-Really?

-Be in by midnight. And I'm putting the chain on.

-Right.

Oh, and no kissing.

Not until you know where he's been.

What you doing out?

I just needed a bit of air.

-Caitlin, there's...

-Are you all right?

Aye.

Just something I want to speak to you about.

Right. Well, before you do, I want to ask you something.

When you were in hospital, I sat there and I kept getting flashes

about when we were wee, you singing daft songs

and plaiting her hair too tight.

And I know how hard it must have been for you back then.

And I've been thinking about who I want to walk me down the aisle.

And I'd love it to be you.

If it's not too much already.

So, will you do it?

I'd be honoured.

Don't start greetin'.

You'll have me going to.

Right, what did you want to tell me?

Och... Och, nothing.

It can wait. It's no' important.

Might be director of field operations,

but my door is always open.

Appreciate it.

A lot of people get highfalutin when they get a promotion. Not me.

I'm a boss...

..and a pal.

Montego Motors.

-Good for a service, aye?

-Best there is.

HE GROANS THEN HUMS SOFTLY

ENGINE STARTS

Ma! What are you doing?

Scarlett?

That's a really good carpet you've got in there.

That floor... It's a nice deep pile on it, isn't it?

Goodbye.

-Oh, sorry. Should have knocked.

-Oh, come in.

-You OK?

-Couldnae settle.

My mind's racing.

Thought I'd be better off here working,

if I've still got a job, that is.

Of course. You should be resting.

It's just sitting in a comfy chair talking to folk.

Well, if you're sure.

I'm sorry about earlier.

Caitlin just opens her mouth and lets her belly rumble.

Wonder where she gets that from, eh?

We've all got folk in our family like that, eh?

Sure have.

She was just looking out for me.

You know that, don't you?

What are your lecturers like?

Any nice ones?

Oh, and are you eating well?

Aye. Nae beans on toast, mind.

You're doing better than I am.

Oh, have you got your hard hat yet?

Oh, you'll need to get a picture with it on.

Send it to me.

I mean, we all make mistakes.

I made a fair few in my time.

We all have.

But losing a sister...

..I mean, that can't be easy.

She must be hurting.

I hope she'll be all right.

Are you all right?

Yeah.

We forget to care for the carers.

You're the one that's having to be strong

looking after her and the kids.

Right. I'd Better get on.

Those phones'll no' answer themselves, eh?

Mm, no, he's been up to his old tricks again.

Lovely.

Well, send me a picture with it on.

-Oh!

-Oh!

-Suzie! What are you trying to do to me?

-Sorry.

No, Jules, it it's just Suzie creeping up on me.

Hi, Julesie!

Miss you!

Listen, I'm running out of fives and tens.

I need to get into the safe.

Right... Jules, I'll need to call you back.

Right, OK, doll.

I'll speak to you later. Right. Right. Bye. Bye.

-We're shut, can you no' read?

-It's me.

What were you doing hiding on his taxi floor?

-Who telt you?

-Bob telt Kim. Kim telt Madonna and Madonna telt me.

I just went over to ask him out.

-Well, why didn't you?

-I don't know. I just panicked.

Listen, you'll need to get right back on that horse pronto

and ask him out again.

How do I come back from that?

I hid in his taxi like Glenn Close.

Only thing I was missing was a bunny.

-I've got a plan.

-A plan?

Repeat what I say.

Hiya, bubba, it's me.

Is Dougie still there?

Is Dougie still there?

Right. Good. Tell him no' tae budge.

-Tell him no' tae budge.

-Oh, gie's it to me.

It'll be quicker!

Hello, Bob, listen.

I've nae time for explanations.

Just do what I tell you, right?

I need for you to ask Dougie

if he will accept Scarlett's apology.

Tell him it's her hormones.

Do I need to ask that?

My ma wants you to know she was only trying to leave you a Duran Duran CD.

She didn't mean to creep you oot.

Nothing creepy at all.

He's just smiled and said it's no' creepy at all.

I'm no' asking that!

Because I'm no'!

Ma, no chance.

Scarlett, it's me.

Aye, what is it you want to ask Dougie?

Right.

Aye. Mm-hm.

Right, aye. Mm-hm.

Hold on. She wants to know if you're still interested in going for a date

with the possibility of some hot juicy loving at yours after.

PHONE: I did not say that, Angus!

That'd gie you the dry boak, man.

I'd be up for that!

Really? Are you sure?

-You don't have to.

-I want to!

He says he wants to.

-PHONE: Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

-Oh-ho-ho-ho!

-PHONE:

-You get up and get that hair done now!

Scarlett's screaming, "Oh, my God! Oh, my God!"

And Molly's shouting "Get up and get your hair set, now!"

Right, aye. Yeah, I'll tell him.

Same time, same place?

He's giving the thumbs up. All right.

You have nae idea what you're letting yourself in for, do you?

Here, will you two tell her the table's booked?

-And no' to be late.

-I can't believe this still fits.

I stuck a wee safety pin at the waistband

but I don't think anybody'll notice.

What?

Too much?

No. You look...

You look...

You look like you run an oil company,

but that's not necessarily a bad thing, hen.

You're right.

-I'll just stick my jeggings back on.

-No!

-No!

Right. I'll catch you later.

-And don't be late.

-Thanks, son.

-For what?

-For organising all this.

Och, wheesht!

Right, remember, it's "yes" and not "aye".

Aye.

-And remember to pretend you'd rather be somewhere else.

-Really?

It makes them work harder.

Ooh!

Listen, darling...

..I don't have to do this if you don't want me to.

I spent a full hour curling your hair. You do.

Ooh!

Thanks, darling.

-Wish me luck!

-Ooh!

I'll no' need it, but, eh?

The thing about Scarlett is she may come across as scary,

but underneath that wee pocket rocket

is a woman who, ultimately, just wants to be wooed.

Right.

I can still hear you.

Start off cool as a cucumber.

And when you feel the vibe is right,

move in like a Navy Seal with the accents.

Accents?

Yeah. You know, when you're getting in about the neck and the ears.

Slip in a wee voice.

Sends women doolally.

A-hem!

What if you cannae do accents?

Everybody can do an accent.

I specialise in Russian and French.

What kind of things do you say?

It's not what you say, Angus.

It's the way it's delivered that gets the desired results.

-BAD RUSSIAN ACCENT:

-Zat's a nice coat you're wearing, hen!

A basic sentence made electric by the use of an accent.

-BAD FRENCH ACCENT:

-What is ze film you are watching? Is it any go-o-od?

Perfectly normal thing to say.

Elevated, once again, by an accent.

Scarlett's knees would literally...

..buckle.

Choose an accent you're comfy with.

Geordie, Cockney, Australian.

G'day, mate.

You two never answer your phones?

-Sorry, boss.

-You've got a city centre pick-up ten minutes ago.

An airport hire's just come in, too.

-But I've got plans...

-Cancel them!

-But I can't!

Do you want to keep this job or not?

Then I suggest you get to it.

-Make sure the lid's on tight.

-I have. Screwed shut.

Now, give it a good shake.

Right above your head.

Now, to the other side.

The other side.

Now twirl it up and twirl it down.

-You're joking.

-No! You have to do it for at least five minutes.

I'm going to have some fun with him.

-I can tell.

-You sure are.

-Same again?

-Aye.

I mean, yes, please.

-I was this close!

-Keep your voice down!

I told you to have a quiet word with her, no' go at her wi' a crowbar.

My way gets results.

The only results it gets is having the police sniffing about.

You going soft on me?

Are you that stupid?

Caitlin told the entire bar this afternoon

that I was trying to pay her off.

And, as if by magic, a few hours later,

the police find her half dead in her own living room?

When I ask you to do something, you do it. My way.

What's the update wi' Stevie?

-It's been dealt with.

-Because that wouldnae be fair, would it?

We made a deal.

Same again?

Maybe he got held up.

-Maybe there's roadworks.

-Well, I know that's not the case.

Anyway, how much do I owe you for the drinks, hen?

Hey, put your money away. I don't know about you, but I'm starving.

Do you mind if I join you for dinner?

-Feels a bit light. Sure you've given me the right envelope?

-I'm sure.

-Still waiting on a few payments to come in.

-I see.

You cannae let people pay just when they feel like it.

-You need to be firm.

-I know what I'm doing.

-Not what I'm hearing.

-Oh, really?

-Aye, really. News travels fast. You're a pushover.

-Grandad?

-Hey, darling.

What are you doing up? I've read you your stories.

-I need a drink and I can't find dinosaur.

-Dinosaur?

Oh. There we go.

You go back to your bed and I'll bring you a drink in in a minute.

-Had any dealings with Stevie lately?

-No, why should I?

You brought him up through the ranks, thought he'd

pop by occasionally, get a bit of advice from time to time.

I'm retired, as you like to keep reminding me.

Surely if he wants advice, he's going to come to you.

One boss, one set of rules.

Anything else?

-Sorry, I don't have much of an appetite.

-Thanks, pal.

You really like him, don't you?

Is he really worth all this?

Upsetting Madonna, upsetting you, and that upsets me.

Maybe it's best if you focus on what you know won't hurt you.

-Do you know what the best bit was?

-What?

-Getting ready.

The bath, the hair, the make-up.

Possibility of what might happen.

Felt like the old me again.

Ah, well, Scarlett O'Hara's definitely left this building now.

-Come on, you don't need a man to make you happy.

-I know that.

-But I wanted it. That's the difference.

-Scarlett.

-You've got some explaining to do.

-I got held up. Alex...

I don't want to hear it.

What I do want to hear is you apologising to my maw

and I suggest you do it right now.

-Scarlett...

-You've got some cheek.

I got sent on a job and my phone died on me.

Do you know how humiliating that was?

Sitting there, everybody watching me, waiting.

Do you think this comes easy, all this? Asking a man out at my age?

And still you never showed. That tells me everything I need to know.

I need somebody who is kind and honest and reliable

and you are none of they things.

To cut a long story short, I lost my charger.

What?

I swear.

On Simon Le Bon's life.

Aye, your cab's on its way. All right, bye.

Ellie's worried sick, she's just about tae phone the polis.

Aye, I was just about to call her, but...

What is it?

What is it?

-I really want to be at your wedding, Caitlin.

-What are you on about?

Course you'll be there.

I want to walk you up the aisle and have everyone look at you

and be all proud.

What is it?

Oh, Caitlin.

Ma, what is it? Tell me.

-At the hospital...

-The hospital, right.

They said...

They said that...

That said that I've got cancer in my liver.

Caitlin, I'm terrified.

I've just found my wee family again.

I don't want to lose yous. Please tell me that'll not happen.

Please, Caitlin.

I'm scared.

GOLD BY SPANDAU BALLET PLAYS

What are you doing up?

Gran's snoring. Plus, I wanted to know you got home safe.

-Did you have pudding?

-No, darling, I wasnae that hungry.

-Did your hair stay curly?

-It stayed curly right to the end.

-Do you think you'll see him again?

-No, darling.

I think I just prefer it you and me in our onesies doing a wordsearch.

You were right about Stevie.

We're going to have to sort him out.

How are we this All Hallows' Eve?

You all ready for some trick or treating?

-Father Lenny Murdoch at your service.

-Messages from dead friends.

SCREAMING

-Getting the old place shipshape for the main man?

-We're no' a couple.

-You want to be, but.

-I know. I cannae wait to see him.

This is going to get very bad, very quick.

The guy is a grass.

The wee man comes crying to you, suddenly we've got a problem?

I am not going to war wi' Alex for you.