The Fairest Show Means Most Deceit Shakespeare & Hathaway - Private Investigators

See what dirt you can find on her.

Joy.

You have a visitor.

A Mr Martin Mariner?

Just your type.

-Are you Frank Hathaway?

-Are you American?

Yes, sir, from Nashville, Tennessee.

So, are you Frank Hathaway?

Er...yes.

Oh! Oh, Frank, it's so great to finally meet you!

Or should I call you Francis? Oh, let me take a look at you.

-You have two seconds to let me go.

-Oh, no way.

I've been dreaming about this moment for years.

One...

two! MARTIN GROANS

-Frank...

-Easy, tiger!

-I did warn him.

-Too much.

Frank, please. That hurts!

-A lot.

-Who the hell are you?

I'm your uncle.

What?!

We're family, Frank.

Ain't it wonderful?

-What, you're my dad's brother?

-That's right.

My mother is your grandmother.

But don't you think my dad might have mentioned you?

He might not even know I exist.

I was adopted at birth, and I was raised

by a wonderful British couple who moved out to Tennessee.

But now they've both passed, well, I'm tracing my blood relations.

And you, Frank, you are my first discovery.

-Cobblers.

-Well, I'll show you.

Now...

birth certificate, and that's my mother.

-Elizabeth Hathaway.

-Is that your grandmother?

Well, it's a common name.

Maiden name, Foster.

I haven't got a clue about maiden names.

She died years before I was born.

How come the father's not listed?

Well, young man, it's very possible that I am a love child.

Oh, great!

So now you're calling my nana a tramp as well as a liar?

Here's our family tree, Frank.

I only managed to go back to the 17th century.

-Incredible.

-So, 1953.

-Is that when your nan died?

-Well, around that time, yes.

I can't find Elizabeth's death certificate to confirm

the actual day, but since I know that my mother

died in childbirth, it's got to be my birthday -

4th of July, Independence Day.

-That's great detective work, Martin, yeah.

-Thank you, ma'am!

Ah!

-She died in childbirth, did you say?

-That's right.

Because my nana died in a car crash.

Are you absently certain about that, Frank?

Because my adoptive parents were told that my mother died

giving birth to me.

It's the only thing that about my nana that I am sure of.

-Ow! Frank!

-Wrong Elizabeth Hathaway. Oh, what a shame.

-There we are. Let me help you with these. There we go.

-Frank!

-Come on.

-We're related, Frank. I can feel it!

-Er...apparently not.

-At least let me buy you a coffee!

-Come on.

-Whoa!

AMERICAN ACCENT: Thanks for stopping by!

What?

He was obviously a conman.

What's he after, then? Your fortune?

HE SIGHS

So, when did this Lola start work here?

-Three months ago.

-I gave her the job.

I honestly thought I could trust her, that's what hurts the most.

-When was this accident?

-A month ago.

I found Lola out the back, screaming.

She claimed a box of Shakespeare busts had fallen off a trolley

-and landed on her foot.

-FRANK CHUCKLES

Next thing we know, she's on crutches

and suing us for compensation.

-No witnesses, I take it?

-Of course not.

Twisted ankle ligaments.

The only thing that's twisted is that girl's morality.

So you want us to prove she was faking the injury?

-Photos, videos, you do whatever it takes.

-Surveillance isn't cheap.

-Neither are compensation pay-outs.

-Fair enough.

The awful thing is, the hearing's been brought forward.

-It's now next week.

-Well, we will get on this, right away.

Don't worry.

I...I think you put a few too many noughts on there by mistake. HE CHUCKLES

-Frank.

-Yeah. Just...

Mmm. He seemed credible.

My nan died in a car crash.

What if they lied to you? That happens a lot in families.

I'm not related to that nutter.

Oh, here we go.

So far, so convincing.

Now?

-This seat taken?

-Go ahead.

-Oh, thanks.

Do you mind if I...

A right pain, those things, aren't they?

-Yeah, I'm sick of them.

-Yeah, I know, I broke my toe last year.

Fell down the stairs. I was off my head! Was totally my fault.

-Twisted ligaments.

-Oh. Right. How?

-Oh, this box fell on my foot.

-Oh, ouch! Was that...was that at home...?

-Work.

Oh, well, I hope you get plenty of sympathy for it.

-Not exactly.

-No? What do you mean?

Well, my bosses thought I was lying, which was nice.

Didn't even get an apology.

Oh, honestly, the things employers get away with now, eh?

Hello, darling!

Small world. Oh...

I love the new look.

-Erm, I'm Gloria, Lu's friend.

-Lola.

-We've only just met.

-Really?

-OK if I join you?

-No. I'm not staying.

What am I doing? I've got...

Carlos coming...oh, in ten minutes!

My masseur.

Beautiful man, and...surprisingly punctual for a Brazilian.

Nice to meet you. See you soon, Lu.

-Bye.

-Bye.

-I should go, too.

-Oh, right, OK.

Yeah, as soon as we catch her out,

-Mr Tarsich, I will call you right away, OK?

-PHONE PINGS

I will. OK, yeah, bye. Bye.

That is the third time he's called already today.

It's from Sebastian.

According to our contact at the credit check company,

Lola Gower owes over 20,000 in payday loans.

Then she needs this compensation.

If she's faking it, she's doing a decent job.

Oh, hello.

He looks pleased with himself.

-I don't believe it!

-What?

That Yank.

Stalking me.

Weirdo.

All you need to do is find out the date your nan died,

then if it's not July 4th, 1953, you're in the clear, aren't you?

How am I going to do that with Mum and Dad gone?

-Sounds like its a job for Frank Hathaway!

-SHE LAUGHS

Frank Hathaway already has a job.

Watching somebody watch telly.

HE SIGHS It's going to be a long night.

PHONE RINGS

-Oh! It's him, again!

-Again?

-Again.

Hello, Mr Tarsich.

-ON PHONE:

-Anything?

Er, no, she's still in her flat, I'm afraid.

She hasn't left since lunchtime.

This is pointless.

Yeah, well, as I said before, Mr Tarsich, patience is the key.

You don't understand.

We're not insured.

Well, not with the right policy, anyway.

Oh.

I haven't told Diana, but if this girl wins, it could cripple us.

-I see.

-It was my fault.

I was halfway through filling in the form,

-and I had to go away for work.

-Right.

Oh!

Double bacon, double egg. Double ketchup for the vitamins.

Thank you.

-No sign of life?

-Mmm.

I think we need to step up our coverage.

Let's see if the clients will stump up for a hidden camera.

-Mmm. For me?

-Yeah.

-Mmm!

Is...? Oh.

Cheers, AJ.

SIREN WAILS

Oh, look, it's the marshmallow twins!

-Hi, Frank.

-Hello.

-Frank.

-Ah, Christina.

-Frank.

Didn't take you as the gift shop type.

Yeah, I...ran out of waterlily soap.

Fraud claim involving an ex-member of staff.

I came to see my client.

Going to have to talk to the husband now.

You can scratch her off the list, the girl we've been trailing.

-Thanks. And given it's a robbery gone wrong...

-Is it?

Back door forced, signs of a struggle,

blow to the head with Arden's finest,

till open, and money gone.

What does that look like to you?

-You see those pieces of glass?

-Mmm-hmm.

How did they get there?

Embedded themselves during the struggle.

Yeah, but they're not embedded, are they?

They've just been placed there.

When the glass fell on the victim, she was lying still,

almost certainly dead.

Now, why would the killer add smashed glass after the murder?

Answer?

To make it look like a robbery.

-You might want to talk to someone called P.

-P?

Yeah, that's the person she texted at 3:07 yesterday afternoon.

You tampered with the victim's phone?

I took a brief look, and I'm wearing a glove.

"We need to talk. Come and find me after closing.

"The cat's away. Kiss, kiss."

The cat being the husband, Leon. He's not back yet.

I'll call him if you like, save you the trouble.

Thanks.

I've got it from here, Frank.

-Well, just keep an open mind.

-Don't patronise me!

-I wasn't!

Good!

You can get on with your fraud claim, then.

OK, over here, guys.

It's like Luke Skywalker telling Yoda to sod off.

Yoda? Really?

KNOCK AT DOOR

So it looks like the profits from the business all went to Diana,

and Leon just got a monthly wage, not much of one, either.

So she's skinning him for his cash, and cuckolding him

with this P character.

Leon Tarsich must be in the frame, right?

Come through, Mr Tarsich.

We're very sorry for your loss.

I, erm...

I don't think I'll need...

The Lola thing doesn't seem like such a...

We understand entirely.

-Don't we, Frank?

-Of course. Yeah.

Thank you.

The... The local police are really stretched at the moment,

so they've asked us to help track down Diana's killer.

Erm...

I'm really sorry to have to ask this, but, er...

where were you yesterday?

I was in Manchester,

at a gift shop conference.

I came back this morning, as soon as I heard the...

And everything was all right at home, was it?

-Yeah, it was good.

-Yeah?

-Diana was happy?

-Perfectly.

-No suggestion of another man?

-No!

-Is there anything else?

-No. Thank you.

-Thank you.

We'll do everything we can to help.

Sebastian, find out if there was a gift shop conference

in Manchester yesterday.

Fine. By the way, did you notice his nails?

They were perfect.

-Frank.

-Ugh...

Now, you're a businessman, first and foremost. I respect that.

Goodbye.

You find out the date your grandma died, I'll double it.

Frank?

Giving Marlowe a free Jedi lesson isn't going to pay the bills.

FRANK SIGHS

-Anything?

-Mm-mm.

What? There's nothing anywhere about my nanna's death online?

-Nope.

-Was she buried?

-Yes.

Well, then, the date will be on the gravestone.

I'll have to find the cemetery first.

Yeah, but you're Mr Family History, aren't you?

All I know is it's in a village somewhere in the Cotswolds.

The Cotswolds?

Yeah, my grandad travelled south with work.

I mean, I went there once, but I was about 11.

We'll have to resort to using a Ouija board at this rate.

I need another drink.

What's that?

Looks like blood.

Hey, if we could get Forrest Gump Senior done for something,

we could be off the hook.

I'm going to send one of these to my mate Freddie at forensics.

Ooh!

What is it?

E-mail from The Golden Horizons Gift Shop Conference in Manchester.

Apparently, Leon Tarsich registered yesterday morning, and guess what?

Afternoon and evening? Never showed up.

Well, I was there.

Did...you talk to anyone?

Well, not really. Look, I've already been through all this

-with the police.

-No, we appreciate that Mr, erm...

-Tarshah...

-Sich.

-..sich.

Erm...I notice from your bank statements that you've been

making regular payments to "Bar MM" on the second Friday of every month.

The police let you see my bank statements?

You wouldn't believe how much they trust us.

Well, that's the Mucky Mallard.

I go there with a couple of mates.

Hey, I go there every Friday.

Yeah, I thought I recognised you.

Can I use your bathroom?

Er, yeah, it's just on the right past the bedroom.

So, then, Diana's money? Must be quite a whack of it.

-Does that all come to you, does it?

-I haven't even thought about it.

Of course. Sorry, I didn't mean to, erm...

He's never been in the Mucky Mallard on a Friday night,

-I can tell you that much.

-And they had separate bedrooms.

So, problems in the sack, wife playing away,

a clear financial motive, and an alibi that stinks.

Yeah, I'm with them now, Mr Tarsich. I'll call you back.

-Misrepresentation is a criminal offence, Frank.

-So's murder.

-Stop harassing him.

-Only if you promise to start.

I don't know why you're wasting your time.

-He couldn't have killed his wife, anyway.

-Why not?

Because he was on the phone to you!

Based on smashed clocks at the scene,

an aborted 999 call on the victim's phone, and the pathology report,

we're sure that the attack took place at exactly 7:11.

Well?

Yeah, Leon was in the middle of one of his five minute rants with me.

Making a business call while committing a violent murder.

That's some serious multi-tasking.

I got a phone call from forensics.

You know the blood you found on those banknotes?

-Yeah?

-It belongs to Diana.

-What?

-So, the question is, where did you get the cash from?

Mr Mariner.

-Frank!

-Are you two really related?

-Yes.

-No.

-You've got five minutes.

-Thank you.

Frank, you gotta help me.

They're saying I murdered some woman.

-I take it you didn't kill her.

-No!

Where did you get the money?

From a guy. I met him outside a pawnbroker's.

What pawnbroker's?

It was called Cash Changers, something like that.

-What? Quid Converters?

-That's it!

What were you doing there?

I was selling my parents' jewellery.

-Why?

-So I could hire you.

This guy said that he would pay double

whatever I was offered inside, and he did.

-And that's the money you gave us?

-Mmm.

Right, listen, Martin.

I need you to describe this man to me.

A lizard tattoo on the side of his neck.

-It's a start.

-You seem pretty keen to get Martin off the charge.

Well, I just... I don't think he's guilty.

Is that it?

Yes, that's it.

It's got nothing to do with the fact he's my long-lost uncle.

Methinks he doth protest too much.

Mr Tarsich.

He's brought your money.

You can count it.

Ah, don't worry.

Er...my solicitor called.

Lola's dropping the compensation claim.

-On compassionate grounds.

-That must be a relief.

-Yeah.

Oh, and I'm sorry for dropping you in it earlier.

Ah, no hard feelings.

You want to help, and I appreciate that.

Are you getting anywhere?

You don't know of any of your customers or suppliers

who might have, like, a lizard tattoo on the neck, do you?

Lizard?

No, I don't.

Sorry.

Er...Phil has got a tattoo.

I'm not sure what it's of, though.

-Phil?

-Phil Layman.

-Lola's boyfriend.

-Thanks.

I'm on my tea break, mate.

Turning down work, Phil? You must be doing all right.

Hey, nice tattoo!

Unusual.

You what? Do I know you?

-No, but you know my uncle.

-Oh, yeah?

Yeah, you bought some jewellery off him outside Quid Converters.

Big American fella. Cheesy sod.

Nah, don't know nothing about it.

It's all right, Phil, don't worry about it.

I'm here to buy it back. Family heirloom, you see.

Yeah, my uncle. He's a few hot dogs short of a stand,

if you know what I mean.

Come on! How much do you want for it?

-Eh!

-As I said, I don't know nothing about it.

I hear Lola's dropped the claim. Do you work out?

You...! Who are you?

Who am I? That's a fundamental question. Who is anyone?

Who are you?!

Tell me who sent you, or I'll break your arm in two.

Ooh, you've got a temper on you!

Ow! Ah, ah...

Agh, you brute!

-I'm a....

-Come on!

-..copper.

-Course you are.

-Try me.

FRANK GRUNTS

Cheers, Phil.

Don't point at me.

Oh!

So, now you know how Martin felt.

Thanks for the sympathy. Agh!

Well?

SHE SIGHS Found this in the glove compartment.

Yeah. Classic burner.

We've found our P.

Yeah.

We located a couple of banknotes with blood on them in his flat,

and we also found him

on CCTV in the vicinity of the gift shop at the time of the murder.

-And he's got previous for robbery.

-How do you know that?

Because some people in here still rate me.

Never knew you were so sensitive.

So, Diana gets Phil over to tell him she's ending the affair.

He takes it badly, whacks her on the head with a big fossil.

And then he staged a robbery.

Go on, then, say it.

I'm not sure it was Phil who killed her.

-What?

-Well, according to the phone,

Diana wasn't his only bit on the side.

OK. So?

So, why would her ending it make him so angry?

Frank, I'm out!

FRANK GROANS

-WHISPERS:

-He's a big fan of yours.

He can't wait to get back to your search!

Well, every silver lining has a cloud.

SHE CHUCKLES

Ah-ah! Come on, walk.

FRANK SIGHS

It was when Lu gave me that look.

HE CHUCKLES

That was the moment I realised I'd walked into a secret

undercover operation, and I nearly had a heart attack.

Well, Lu says you covered it like Dame Judi herself.

I wasn't that good.

One of my regulars, that is.

What, the murderer?

No. The husband.

I didn't know his real name. Poor bloke.

Well, what name did he use with you?

-Linda.

-Linda?

How many more parishes to check?

Er...

103.

PHONE RINGS

Oh.

I've got to take this.

I'll meet you outside.

-Yes?

-Having fun?

-No.

Family, eh? Well, I've worked out where Leon Tarsich

really spent those Friday nights.

Well, go on.

The Moody Mule.

You're joking.

Which rather begs the question, did the wife know?

Hang on. It's Friday today.

Exactly. Second of the month.

Hi.

I'm Adele.

Linda.

-Can I get another one, Gina, please?

-OK.

You celebrating?

Or drowning your sorrows?

Bit of a week.

-Death in the family.

-No!

Oh, that's awful. I'm so sorry.

I lost my...

dog recently.

Were you very close?

Yeah.

And no.

It was my wife.

Oh, my gosh!

Had she been ill?

Yeah.

Even so...

..poor you.

Part of me feels relieved.

-Well, if she'd been ill for a long time...

-It's... It's not that.

-She couldn't accept this.

-No?

Found out a few months back.

Two weeks later,

-she started sleeping with an employee's boyfriend.

-Unbelievable!

That's not the worst of it, though.

Oh! From cigarettes?

She burned you?

So, Diana was physically abusing Leon

because he wasn't the man she thought she married.

And he knew about her affair.

I'd have been out of there like a shot.

He had no money, though.

Yeah, he's got plenty now, hasn't he?

So, that's a double motive for murder -

revenge and cash - plus a lack of alibi.

Except we know he didn't do it, because when Diana was killed,

he was on the phone to me.

We've missed something.

-What?

-I don't know, but we've got to find it.

I'll speak to you later.

So, was he impressed with my handiwork?

Yes. Very. He's... Yeah.

He didn't say anything, did he?

It's all right.

I only do this job for the lavish salary.

PHONE RINGS Oh!

Lola's curtains.

Er...sorry, what?

Who has a night in by the telly with the curtains wide open?

-Maybe she's claustrophobic.

-Maybe she wanted to be seen.

By who?

I haven't got that far. I'll see you later.

-Perhaps she's an exhibitionist.

-Well, it wasn't much of a show.

All she did was get up a couple of times to get the remote.

What if we were the audience?

FRANK SIGHS

It's all right. I trust you.

Oh, thanks, Frank.

What do they call this place?

Oh, er...

..Risley Cross.

I've been here before.

-Gloria!

-Oh!

-Oh, sorry.

Leon Tarsich - he hired women's clothes from you, is that right?

Mmm. All the time. Dresses, hats, shoes.

-Wigs?

-Course. He borrowed one last week.

Which one?

Oh...

Did he ask specifically for long, blonde hair?

Oh, he insisted.

But, to be honest, I was quite surprised

when he choose this old thing. Ugh.

KNOCKS AT DOOR

Miss Whetton?

Yes.

Erm...we were told that you were the churchwarden.

Yes, that's right. Morning, Vicar.

Morning, Miss Whetton.

Er...I wonder if you could help.

We're trying to find out if a relation of mine

is buried here in the village.

-Ah.

-Might we have a look at the parish burial records?

Ah, well, the register, actually, is held at Hardleton.

-It's the next village.

-Ah.

But there's only one graveyard here in this village.

It's behind the church there.

Great. Well, we'll take a look. Thank you.

Right. Well, I might remember them.

I've lived all my life in this village,

and my father was vicar of that church.

Great. Well, we're looking for my grandmother.

She was called Elizabeth Hathaway. Died in 1953.

Yeah, we think she might be my mother.

Ah.

Er...the name's...

It's not ringing any bells.

Sorry. Good luck, though.

She knew her.

-Feel familiar, Frank?

-I'd be lying if I said yes.

I've found her.

Really?

Ooh.

Does it say when she died?

It does, yeah.

February 11th...1952.

The year before you were born.

MARTIN SIGHS

It's not her.

Did you find what you're looking for?

We did, unfortunately.

Well, here...

Here's a little something for your journey.

Oh, gosh, thank you, ma'am!

You, erm...

You knew my grandmother, didn't you?

She was a friend of mine.

Why didn't you tell us?

It's better...

I've left something on the... On the stove.

What a kind lady.

FRONT DOOR CLOSES

All right, Bab? Here to read your gas meter.

Er, yeah. Sure, come in.

-The meter's in there.

-Oh, ta. Won't be a minute.

-What the hell are you doing?

-I'm so sorry!

I was just seeing who made your armchair.

I really like it, see.

-It's exactly what I've been looking for.

-Get out!

Definitely.

You're lucky I don't report you.

It really is a lovely chair.

-Ta-da!

-Ah!

They're definitely fake.

So he WAS in there! You're a genius, Lu!

-See, Phil Layman may be a thief, but he's not our murderer.

-Lola!

Oh, well, there's a miraculous recovery.

She knows we're on to her.

Right.

Let's see who she runs to.

There you go. A cup of builder's works wonders in these situations.

-Thanks, Frank.

-So, what now?

I'm going to get the first flight back to the States.

What, you're giving up?

Well, like you say, there's a lot of Elizabeth Hathaways,

and I'm out of cash.

So I can't exactly afford to hire you to help me, now, can I?

Well, never mind. You gave it your best shot.

I have got the strongest of feelings that I know that woman, Theresa.

Yeah, but to be fair, you swore blind I was your nephew.

-That's true.

-You're a nice fella, but your hunches are rubbish.

It's a fair cop, governor.

-PHONE RINGS

-Oh!

Did Sebastian get in the flat?

He did, and found hairs from Leon's wig under Lola's armchair.

You're kidding! Nice one. Does she suspect anything?

She's on her bike. Literally. Just pulled into Ridgemead car park.

I'm on my way.

Any chance of a lift?

Sure.

CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

For services rendered.

Well, that's her debts paid.

CAR ENGINE STARTS

Glad to see you back on your feet, Lola.

Can you move your car, please?

I don't think DI Marlowe would thank her.

And she is on her way.

What's all is this about?

This is about you two murdering Diana.

And framing Phil.

-What?

-I know you both hated Diana, maybe with good reason.

You definitely needed the cash.

So the two of you came up with the perfect murder.

Well, nearly.

Have you seen my phone? I had it here, I'm sure of it.

It'll turn up, darling. Always does.

First, you cooked up Lola's fake compensation claim.

Made the two of you look like enemies.

Next, you convinced Diana to hire us.

You'd worked out that private investigators

would give you the perfect alibi.

Then, on the day of the murder, you got hold of Diana's phone.

MESSAGE ALERT

You set the trap.

TV PLAYS

LU ON PHONE: Yeah, well, as I said before, Mr Tarsich,

patience is the key.

You don't understand.

We're not insured. Well, not with the right policy, anyway.

A few minutes later, you returned to your flat,

and swapped places again.

Meanwhile, Phil arrived at Arden Dreams,

straight into the trap that you'd set him.

Instead of reporting the crime, he took the money.

Just as you'd hoped.

Which meant that when you led us to Phil,

all the evidence was laid out to make it look like he was the killer.

Your partners certainly chose the wrong people to cheat on.

SIRENS APPROACH

-I should leave you on your own more often.

-If you insist.

-Go on, then Frank. Rub it in.

-Yoda, you are!

SHE LAUGHS

Ah, you're a great copper, Christina.

I'm hardly in the position to gloat, am I?

-I didn't spot it.

-Thanks, Frank. See you later.

Ah. Hanging out with Martin's made you go all soft.

Ah, don't be daft!

I don't condone murder, obviously, but...

I do feel a teeny bit sorry for Leon.

I mean, just hiding his cross-dressing from his wife

for all that time - it must have been agony.

Yeah. It's amazing what people will put up with just to keep a secret.

We're looking for my grandmother. She was called Elizabeth Hathaway.

-She died in 1953.

-Yeah, we think she may be my mother.

Here's a little something for your journey.

Oh, gosh, thank you, ma'am!

-The vicar's daughter!

-What?

We need to get to the airport!

-Got to stop Martin. Go on, get in.

-After you.

-No after you.

-After you.

-Just get in!

KNOCKS AT DOOR

SHE SIGHS

What is it?

I understand why you tried to hide it.

Your father had a reputation to protect.

SHE SIGHS

I...

I don't know what...

What you're talking about.

Oh, Theresa.

It's been 65 years.

Don't you think it's time you admitted the truth?

Mama?

Yes!

SHE CHUCKLES

HE SOBS

It was the 1950s.

If people found out Theresa got pregnant out of wedlock,

there'd have been a massive scandal.

Especially with her dad being the local rev.

She was sent away to have Martin.

Her dad bribed a registrar to put another woman's name

on the birth certificate.

Theresa suggested her recently departed best friend, my nana.

Do you know what's great about all this is that you can find out

-from Theresa everything you didn't know about your gran.

-Huh.

I've already found out everything I need to know.

Apparently, my nana was a superb dancer.

Which, of course, is where I get my innate sense of...

..rhythm.

Cheers!

THEY CHUCKLE