Episode 4 The A Word

This programme contains some strong language.

What if I want to take care of my own son?

I know what it's like growing up round here. Having sex seems like a good way to pass the time.

-That were quite a battering you gave us.

-I did it so you can help Joe.

Oh, here he comes...

Is this about Joe?

No, Mum. It's not about Joe. It's about you.

Joe needs a champion. That's not the same as a bully.

-Oh, so I'm a bully?

-Yeah, you are!

-I'm a trained therapist, not Jesus.

-Please, I'll do anything to help my child.

-SINGING TO RECORDING:

-# I wrote this song two hours before we met

# I didn't know your name or what you looked like yet

# Oh, I could've stayed at home and gone to bed

# I could've gone to see a film instead... #

CAR HORN BLARES

# You might have changed your mind and seen your friends... #

What are you doing?

What are you doing out on your own? Eh?

Where's your mum and dad?

Oh, come on, lad.

Hey, you! Stop touching that child!

He shouldn't be out on his own. You do know that?

Neither should you!

CAR HORN BEEPS All right! All right!

# Something changed. #

You don't have to force yourself to stay the night

every time we have sex, you know.

-I'm not.

-I really don't want to wake up to the sight

of your polite smile.

-It makes me feel like I'm being visited in hospital.

-Oh, right.

Oh, I've hurt your feelings. I thought you'd be relieved.

If you do go now, can you be quiet, cos I don't want Ralph knowing

that you stayed?

Of course.

I think he'd find it hard to understand what's going on here.

He's not alone.

Daresay it'll be the same for your Joe. When he's older.

You'll see.

Hm.

CHATTER

Hey, hey.

Hair?

Done.

Tongue?

Good.

Ears?

Good.

Oh. I think I have found something.

Have a good day, Joe.

What we want for Joe - it was called a statement when I was at school -

and now it's an EHC plan, isn't it?

You know, to get him extra help in the classroom.

Yeah, but not like in-your-face help that all the other kids notice.

We have lots of children who need extra help, so they really are used to it.

Yes, you'd be amazed how little the other children worry about such things.

-I'll be able to see that for myself in about ten minutes, so...

-Oh?

Yeah, I'm on the parents' reading rota. Two times a week.

If I'm going to commit to this school,

then believe me, I'm gonna commit.

I know it's a pain, but the local authority insists that there are

stages the school has to go through first before issuing an EHC plan.

Yeah, but the reports you have in front of you, they're all you need.

We've got a customised speech therapy plan. It's all in there.

-These are the top people that we've consulted.

-I think... I think what Alison is trying to say

-is that they're very thorough reports.

-Yeah, they're...

-There's paediatrician. There's, erm, clinical, erm...

-Psychologist. Clinical psychologist.

-..psychologist and speech therapist.

-Speech and language therapist.

-Just don't ask me to spell any of them.

You have the diagnosis, but until we can show that we have tried

to meet Joe's needs within the existing school budget,

the council won't offer any extra.

No. I-I-I just don't want Joe to fail

before he gets the help that he needs

and I'm telling you, he will fail.

It happened to me, it's not nice. It's not nice, at all.

We have to play the game and we need your support.

Yeah. You know, it's a funny thing, I swore I would never be one of those parents

that's a pain in the arse, but Joe's been at school half a term

and I have decided to be that parent.

Who've you got lined up barista-wise up there? Will they need training?

Believe me, you get the wrong side of a 10-litre espresso machine

and that bambino won't ever forgive you.

Oh, shit!

Sal, what's going on?

Eh? Cookers shouldn't be here for another two weeks!

-They're unloading it outside now!

-We can store it.

Where? We haven't even got a proper floor! Oi!

We're better off having it here to fit, rather than having the gas lads here

and nothing for them to install.

-We've barely even finished second electrics.

-So, what do you want me to do?

Stand here while you shout at me, or get on with bringing the flooring forward

-and booking an electrician for tomorrow.

-I tell you what I'm gonna do, I'm...

I'm going to manage it myself.

-Don't be a dick, Paul.

-Look, it's chaos and I can do chaos all by myself.

I don't need to pay somebody to do that for me.

I thought I said, "Don't be a dick."

The paperwork's on the bar over there.

Call me in an hour when you find you can't cope.

"Tess got a pot.

"Cook, pot, cook!

"The pot was b..."

Joe, it's not computer time now.

-Shall we do some reading? Joe?

-"The pot was b...boil...

-"boil..."

-"Boiling." That says, "boiling."

Look, see? Can you see? "Boil...

"ing." "Boiling." See?

"Look at all the food, Mum!

"Look at all the food, Nan!

"Yum. Stop, pot, stop!"

Come on then, let's go. In you go, go and sit down in your spot then.

That's great. Thanks, Alison. I'll see you next week?

Well, I can stay longer, if you like. I can stay all day!

-I can cancel my shift at work, if you like, and just...

-That's lovely, Alison.

But we don't like to wear out our parent-helpers.

Right, OK.

All right. Well, I'll... Yeah, I'll see you next time, then.

Joe?

Joe?

Joe?

Eh, the little boy you were playing with in the playground,

the one with the hearing aids, do you know his name? Hm?

-He had things in his ears.

-"He had things in his ears."

-Yeah, he did, yeah.

-Hmm, let me see.

What about the other boy? He had a brown face.

We've got pink faces and he had a brown face.

Oh, come on, Joe. You're hardly spoilt for choice at that school.

-You're not helping, Becky. Joe? D'you remember his name?

-What name?

Someone's busy.

Joe was playing with two boys in the playground. I'm gonna invite them for a sleepover.

Really? On day one?

Yeah, it was an Asian boy and a boy with hearing aids,

-but Joe doesn't know their names.

-A deaf kid, too?

We could form a boyband and go on Britain's Got Talent.

Although, the odds are, probably go out at the semifinal stage.

The kid with the hearing aids, he's called Bill Hibbs.

-His brother's two years below me.

-Why didn't you say that?

So, it's paying off, then? The spying?

Sorry, "helping with reading."

Hm. I think spying pretty much covers it.

I like to think there's a little altruism under there.

No, I don't do altruism. Remember? I'm the bully.

If it's any comfort, he hasn't replied to any of my texts either.

-He didn't sleep with you.

-Is that what he's telling you?

-That was a joke, by the way!

-I know.

He was away with his mum and dad. Bad signal.

-No credit. It happens.

-So, why isn't he here now?

What d'you mean, what d'you mean...?

OK.

Hiya.

Hi.

Your phone's not been working.

I lost it. Then I was out of credit.

How d'you know?

What?

How d'you know it was out of credit, if you lost it?

I found it again.

You didn't come in on the bus this morning.

Dan's passed his test, he's got him a car now. He gave me a lift.

Right. Well, erm... I'll see you in history.

Unless Dan's got a Tardis too

and you're gonna travel back in time with him.

Right.

Hiya, Rebecca.

SHE SOBS

I'm a cliche.

We have sex and then he just blanks me.

-He might just need some time to come to his senses.

-D'you think?

-If he doesn't, he's a prick.

-And it's good to find these things out early.

Nicola found out I was a prick very early and has learned to adjust her expectations accordingly.

Do you think he might just be having a bit of a wobble?

If I was going to bet, I'd say next week he'll be on the phone

sending you poems by text.

Or at least a sad face with a tear in lieu of a poem.

Stay for tea, Nicola does great comfort food.

DOORBELL RINGS

Hello, Bill. Here we are.

-His sandwiches are in there.

-Oh, great. OK.

-This is his drink.

-Er, right.

-And a treat for afters.

Rice cakes! Oh, we do actually have gluten-free.

-Oh, I never know, you know?

-Yeah.

And I can't be too careful. He's lactose and gluten intolerant.

-Sorry.

-Both?

Oh, erm, this is my phone number.

-Ring me any time.

-I'll give that to you.

-In the night!

-OK!

And to be on the safe side, if the boys are gonna eat nuts,

it's best if they do that outside and wash their hands afterwards.

Well, bang goes the blindfold nut-tasting game!

He's joking. Shut up, Paul.

Ignore him, ignore him, ignore him.

Right. Well, thank you for having him. I'll pick him up at 8.30.

-He has African drumming at nine.

-Course he does.

-OK.

Well, he'll be ready for you, I'm sure. Thanks for the food.

This is the first sleepover he's ever been to.

-He's a little nervous.

-Yeah.

-Any time. Just call me.

-Will do!

-OK.

-Bye, Bill!

-We'll look after him, I promise. We will!

-OK!

-Bye, darling, bye-bye.

-We'll look after him, honestly.

-Ta-ta. See ya!

-Bye now. Bye. Take care, Sarah.

-Safe journey home.

-Safe home, bye!

KNOCK ON DOOR

-He doesn't sleep in his hearing aids.

-OK, great. Thanks, Sarah.

-No hearing aids. OK!

-Great. Great.

Thanks a lot. Take care now, bye!

Wow!

SHE GASPS Ugh...!

O-o-o-h!

Ah, yes. That's clearly marbles in jelly.

No! That's an eyeball! Ughh...

That's the idea, yes.

But I don't think that eyeballs would actually feel that tough.

-OK!

-Right, next. Hang on!

OK!

Oh, it's worms!

It's spaghetti.

-I'm not allowed spaghetti.

-It's gluten free, Bill.

-Come on then!

-OK!

-Last one.

This is the scariest one, are you ready?

There's a hairy, scary monster in here. Ready, ready?!

Haaaaah! Careful, careful!

It's a rodent of some kind.

Joe, your turn!

-Bill?

-I've got allergies.

OK, boys. Here we go.

We've got...

orangeade

and red-ade...

and coconut water.

If you need anything, just give me a shout. All right?

"Cheese!"

-Should we have stayed in with them?

-No! No, of course we shouldn't.

-They'll be farting and wrestling in there by now.

-Stop it.

Just a guess, but not exactly the coolest boys at school, eh?

Did you have cool friends when you were five?

I WAS the cool friend. That's never really gone away, has it?

-(I'll just go and have a little look.)

-Don't go in!

-I won't, I won't.

Hey, boys. Boys, come on.

Hey. Bill.

Come on, lads. You're meant to be The Three Amigos.

Joe, you've got to be a better host than this.

Come on! Bill, come on! Come and watch the film, it's a classic!

There we go!

You can take more than one piece, Ramesh.

I'll take one of each flavour, then see if I'm still hungry.

Very sensible.

-OK. I think that's enough now, Joe.

-There we go, Bill.

Gluten free hummus sandwich and a rice cake.

A sentence that says pleasure in any language.

All right? Good lad.

OK! Bon appetit.

Now, is it me, or is Ramesh actually an accountant in his early 40s?

He's just got good manners.

I get the feeling he's gonna come to tell us to keep the noise down at 10.30.

LAUGHTER

I think it's going really well.

-Mmm.

-Well done, you.

-Not bad for the school bully.

-Oh, no. No, I didn't mean bully.

-I meant bullish. Like in a china shop.

-Mm-hm, yeah.

I'm sorry. I know it's tough.

And what do I know? You got him some mates. What can I say?

Nearly an apology sneaking out there.

Mr Joe's daddy, something bad has happened.

HE RETCHES

Ohh, ohh. Is that it, Joe? Eh? D'you think that's everything?

You need to lie him on his side. He could choke on his own vomit.

The gag reflex doesn't work well enough when it's overloaded.

-Thanks, Ramesh.

-My uncle is a paramedic in Blackpool.

-Is he poorly? I think he's poorly.

-I think so, Bill.

Does he have an allergy?

Oh, he's burning up.

-Oh, oh!

-Ugh!

When I said "get it all out," I wasn't actually talking

internal organs.

The thing about losing your virginity as a young man,

is that it's pretty much the culmination of your lifetime's ambition.

You've been thinking of little else since you were 12.

When it finally happens, it can't help but be an anti-climactic experience.

I'll take your word for it.

Especially when the event takes place in her older brother's bunk beds

and his football posters are staring down at you.

Not every young man can maintain an erection

while staring at a celebrating Gary Neville.

This theory of yours isn't based on personal experience, by any chance?

My point is...

afterwards, you feel the experience should have changed you

and so you behave like it has.

So, you don't think it's true, what you said about Rebecca's boyfriend coming back?

-No. I was just softening the blow.

-By hiding the truth?

An age-old technique handed down from father to son.

Well, I know that much is true.

Uh-oh. I sense a theory coming on.

Is this about the brewery expansion?

I know exactly how it's gonna work, so whatever Dad's saying, it doesn't matter.

I saw him yesterday morning, on his music teacher's doorstep,

putting on his shoes.

So?

So, it was 7.30 in the morning.

He's clearly having a secret relationship with her.

Or, maybe he was having an early singing lesson?

Why would he take his shoes off to do that?

7.30 in the morning?

Looked straight at me, didn't even say hello.

How do you feel about it?

My widowed father is having a sexual relationship.

That's just another thing not to think about when I see his bony arse in a pair of shorts.

SHE SCOFFS

SHE LAUGHS

You all right, Dad?

I was usually at the brewery by now.

I've already been in, I've got a nice golden ale coming in at 4.4%.

Just popped out for some provisions.

What about you?

What about me?

Oh, you've, erm...

worked up quite a sweat there. Running, was it?

Of course it's running. What you talking about?

Yeah, he's got a high temperature. It's the usual routine.

Just get as many liquids down him as you can

-and Calpol every four hours. Yeah?

-So, it's not food poisoning?

More of a bug. His glands are up.

Just bad timing for his sleepover.

OK. Well, thanks, Nicola.

Any time. But if you're worried about anything, just give me a call.

Yeah, I will.

Is Rebecca OK, today?

Erm... Well, as OK as any teenager can be, I think.

Good.

Why d'you ask that?

I saw her the other day and she was a little upset.

Any idea about what?

I think if she wants to tell you, she will.

Are you really going to leave it there?

-Mum? Mummy?

-Coming, sweetheart!

Hey. Poor thing.

Oh, poor Joe. You're burning up.

-That means I'm hot.

-Yeah. That's right.

Not on fire.

No. That's just something people say.

Can I see the pictures?

Want to see these? Come on then.

There you go. Can you see?

Who is that?

That's you. When you were a baby.

What's baby Joe doing?

He's sleeping. He's had some milk.

You've had some milk, I mean.

That's me?

Yeah. That's right.

And this is me.

Yeah, that's right, love. Yeah.

It's confusing, isn't it?

Joe, who's that there, holding you?

Grandma hold Joe.

Yeah, she did.

And sings Horsey, Horsey.

D'you remember that?

You do? You remember that?

Is Mum sad?

You look sad.

Well, cos that's my mummy there.

And she's not here...so Mum's sad.

Yeah, that's right.

That's right.

Paul? Paul. Ring me when you can.

There's nothing to worry about but...but I want to tell you something.

It's really important. It's... It's about Joe. It's good!

It's really good.

Bye.

-It's Luke, isn't it?

-Yeah. You're Rebecca's uncle.

Nice to see you again.

Now, listen. I don't care if it's good news or bad news,

but you go to my lovely niece and you talk to her. OK?

You don't just ignore her like a prick.

-I was going to talk to her.

-Was?

Well, I WAS going to invent a flying machine that ran on dog shit,

but I never got round to it.

So, you talk to her. Today. Or you'll have me to answer to.

Can I go now? My choc-ice is melting.

You're going to have more to worry about than a melting choc-ice, if you don't talk to her.

Am I getting through?

I think so.

Good. Good.

I think we should talk.

Really? And then will you report our conversation back

to your psycho uncle?

What? I don't know what you're talking about.

That uncle of yours, he threatened me this morning.

He told me I had to talk to you.

That had nothing to do with me.

For the record, I wasn't ignoring you, I just didn't know

-what to say to you after we'd done it.

-Why? Was it that bad?

It was great.

But it... I didn't know how to be with you after we'd done it.

It's just dead weird seeing you at school after, you know?

So, why didn't you explain any of that? To me?

I wanted to. But I didn't know how to.

So, you just ignored me instead?

I was about to call you and then your uncle came and threatened me

and that nailed it for me.

It's your family. You're all so intense.

I can't see you again.

There you go. That's for you.

-Here you go, chief.

-Thanks.

What is this? Who are you?

-Er, my CV. Heard you were looking for a chef.

-What?

Erm, that's what it said on the website.

-You guys were doing interviews this week.

-Does it look like I need a chef, right now?

-I mean, I've cooked in worse.

-Just...one minute.

Right, I've got three launch brews underway.

-Got an Indian pale ale using Jester hops for an added kick...

-Oh, nice.

..I've got a low ABV stout and a limited edition bitter.

There's not a delivery van out there with half a kitchen hanging out the back of it, is there?

Not that I noticed. Listen, I just need the, erm, final name for the restaurant,

-so I can work it into the launch brews.

-Yeah, well, I've told you -

-The Fellside.

-The Fellside?

-Yeah.

-I thought that was a working title.

-Yeah. What's wrong with it?

-Well, there's nothing wrong with it. I just thought you might

pick up on the poetry theme a bit more. You've already got the Daffodil Diner after Wordsworth.

-So, what else did he write?

-Oh, I dunno.

Er... Bitches Ain't Shit, was one of his later works.

I don't know, Eddie. Honestly! The Fellside.

I'll do what I can, but it doesn't give me a lot to go on.

The Fellside? Really?

-Bit dull.

-You go and tell him. He won't listen to me.

You want to stop sticking your nose in other people's business, Eddie.

There speaks the master.

-What? I've stayed away from the brewery.

-A whole week.

-Must be killing you wondering what's going on.

-Not really.

-I know when to be discreet.

-Mmm. You certainly do.

What's that supposed to mean?

Dad, if you're seeing someone else, I'm glad for you.

You don't need to sneak around like some teenager.

It's been a year, you're a grown man, so good luck to you.

OK? I just wanted to say that.

Why, Mr Scott. Twice in one week. You're spoiling me.

Our secret's out.

-Is it really such a bad thing?

-Yes, it is.

I don't want my family interrogating me about our love life.

Or whatever it is we're calling this!

Deny anything's going on, then. Don't indulge them. I don't mind.

Listen, there's so much going on, the last thing we need is them having to cope

with me making toast under another woman's grill.

They'll think I've betrayed their mother.

Me doing this with you means I love her less somehow.

-That's what they'll think, is it?

-I'm sure of it.

Of course you are.

Because that's what you think. It's only natural.

-What?

-You're ashamed of yourself for betraying your wife.

Ashamed of myself? Give over.

Why not? You love your wife still, don't you?

-Of course I do, yes.

-Yet, here you are in bed with me.

So that's not always going to be easy for you

or something you want to think about.

I'm thinking about it now. Thank you(!)

Shall we make love, then talk?

I thought only men said that.

I'm rewriting the rule book...

page...by...page.

And then there's Joe, of course.

I mean, the last thing he needs in his life is any more

complication right now.

Maurice.

The first ten years with Ralph, it was like, I don't know,

"All time stands still."

I couldn't plan. I couldn't live.

Everything was Ralph.

Because without me there worrying about him 24 hours a day,

he was going to fail.

Struggle.

And, you know what?

It didn't work. Ralph found his way.

Joe will find his way.

And sometimes he'll find it because of you

and sometimes he'll find it despite you.

Take it from someone who's been through all this.

Joe isn't Ralph.

I know that.

You keep talking like he is. You don't even know him.

-He could be anything!

-Yes, he could.

God knows, if he's really lucky, he could even be happy.

ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

# So if you're lonely

# You know I'm here waiting for you

# I'm just a crosshair... #

Fuck off!

ECHOES THROUGH THE VALLEY

-Afternoon.

-Afternoon.

Afternoon.

DOOR CLOSES, FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

All right, sleepy? Ooh!

Well, my day just got better.

You're not going to believe this, love. Joe has been brilliant.

He asked me about my mum.

What? Joe did?

Yeah. He asked if I felt sad.

I mean, this is...this is empathy stuff.

And he remembered things I didn't even know he'd registered!

These are the things he's not meant to be able to do.

What do you mean? I don't understand.

It... I don't know, it's like...

It's like he's turned a corner.

It's like...like everything's falling into place.

-I don't get it.

-I don't know.

He's just...he's just different. He's changing, Paul.

Oh, I love you!

SHE LAUGHS

MUSIC: Teenage Kicks by The Undertones

(He's fine, come on.)

-Where's Rebecca?

-Drama till nine.

Oh, I knew those classes would pay off one day!

SHE GIGGLES

-Right.

-Hey, no, no, stop, stop!

We can't just go into it without any preamble.

Preamble? Is that what we're calling foreplay these days?

-This is reconciliation sex, right?

-Don't count your chickens.

Well, if it's reconciliation sex then we need to wear a variety

of hats and have a classic soul track playing in the background.

I don't have time. Or the hats!

It's just going to have to be a classic soul track, then.

Do you want download or vinyl?

What are you doing?

-Oh, what are you doing?

-I think you know.

It's not been that long.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, not tonight.

You do know that doing this without taking precautions is how

babies get made, don't you?

Would that be such a bad thing? Hmm?

I don't think so. I really don't think so.

What, seriously?

Seriously?

-Ooh!

-SHE GIGGLES

Hey, love. What you doing sitting here in the dark?

Luke finished with me.

Oh, love. I'm sorry.

That's never easy.

Who's Luke?

He said that Eddie scared him away.

Eddie? What's it got to do with Eddie?

Let me get this straight.

You slept with Luke?

Yeah.

Ooh, OK, OK.

Well, you're nearly 17, eh?

As long as you were sensible.

Good.

And, you know, I get it.

Why did you confide in Eddie?

He saw I was upset and...

he's easier to talk to than you and Mum right now.

Fair enough.

You're not going to say anything, are you, to Eddie?

-No, course not.

-Or Mum?

Now, that's a big ask, isn't it?

I will tell her, just not now.

Oh, right. Well, make sure you do.

Dad.

I'm OK. You can stop before you start hoovering.

Come here.

Right.

Eddie!

How does Eddie scare anybody?

Eddie's great, Dad. You've just got to give him a chance.

Yeah. Maybe.

Maybe.

Night.

MUSIC PLAYS IN DISTANCE

# I want to live like common people

# I want to do whatever common people do...

MUSIC TRACK REWINDS

# I want to live like common people

# I want to do whatever common people do

# I want to sleep with common people... #

Uh, Mum, can I talk to you about something?

Shh, shh, shh...

Now then, mister, are you feeling a bit better?

# I want to sleep... #

I think one more day off school to get over it, don't you?

Hey.

Turn that off now, darling. Turn it off.

# I bet that you look good on the dance floor

# I don't know if you're looking for romance or

# I don't know what you're looking... #

MUSIC STOPS Joe, do you remember yesterday?

We were looking at the pictures?

Look. Do you remember?

# I bet that you look good on the dance floor... #

No, Joe. Look at the photo album. MUSIC STOPS

Look, do you remember yesterday?

You were asking me about the pictures, do you remember?

-Asking me about the pictures.

-Yeah, that's right.

Look, who's this? Hey? Who's this?

# I bet that you look good on the dance floor... #

Joe, who's this? Look, you're not looking!

You're not looking.

Yesterday, we talked about this. Look, who is this? Who's this?

Who is this? Who is this?

# I bet that you look good on the dance floor

# I don't know if you're looking for romance or

-# I don't know... #

-Someone's feeling better.

Well, it sure to God isn't me.

Is he all right? Back to normal?

If by that you mean back to abnormal, then, yeah.

OK.

MUSIC CONTINUES IN BACKGROUND

You never really believed he'd changed, did you?

He doesn't need to change.

Oh, Rebecca. I don't need your attitude right now.

Hey.

He was ill. So he was calmer.

And it's understandable, you were with him all day.

So what? I imagined it?

-It was wishful thinking? What?

-No, no, love. I'm not saying that.

Well, the alternative is that you performed a miracle,

but none of us were there to see it.

-Now, you didn't mean that, did you, Becks?

-Who knows?

What is wrong with Madam this morning?

Don't know.

Maybe you should ask her.

-Gentler.

-THEY STRUM

Yes, this is called C.

It felt like, for a few moments, I could see the real Joe.

Underneath all that autism, there he is.

If I could just get to him.

It's a thing.

Yeah, it is, indeed.

No...

I mean, the evidence only seems to be anecdotal,

but there's an American study that observed

that when a child on the spectrum has a fever,

some of their more extreme behaviours are diminished...

..temporarily.

There's even a name for it.

Well, if there's a name for it.

It's called...it's called the fever effect.

Oh, right, yeah, course.

I'll file it next to the broccoli effect.

You saw that article, too, did you?

Yeah, we've got our very own Maya effect, of course.

What's she doing?

She seems to be teaching him the uke.

Just another of her many talents.

Along with beauty and love and...

a fast-track to my son.

Very honest of you to admit your jealousy.

Yeah.

Can you get me the morning-after pill?

Is that a cure for autism or a cure for jealousy?

Oh.

I finally get your sense of humour and then I get it wrong.

-You're serious?

-Yeah, Paul and I had sex last night.

We didn't use contraception.

Then I woke up this morning and just realised it's not the right time.

Not now. I need my energy for Joe.

The local pharmacist should be able to sort...

The local pharmacist knows my dad.

Everyone knows my dad. It happens in small towns.

So, yeah, I was just wondering

if there was any way that you could get me one.

No problem.

We keep a big jar of them on the counter at the surgery.

Are you being sarcastic now?

Cos that's a bit confusing.

You've never been sarcastic before.

I won't be trying it again for a while.

-I'll sort it for you.

-Thanks.

And, Nicola, don't, like, mention it to Eddie or anyone, will you?

No, course not. And by "anyone" you mean Paul, I take it.

Yeah.

So now that we've bonded,

do you want to tell me what's been troubling Rebecca?

I thought you had to get to work.

Respect her wishes? What?

Hey! If my daughter is having sex, I should be the first to know!

Have you any idea how dodgy that sounds?

-You know what I mean.

-No. I don't.

You should be thanking me for being there for her,

-for listening to her.

-Right.

And then scaring her boyfriend off.

Oh, I see.

So now it's not the fact she's had sex with someone,

it's the fact that I confronted the scumbag

who's been blanking her since they had sex.

Eddie, her boyfriend dumped her because of what you said.

Well, if he's that weak, then it sounds like I did her a favour.

Oi! Oi!

Now, listen.

I know you enjoy playing the understanding uncle,

but you don't have any kids.

You're out of your depth.

At least she has someone who listens to her, Paul.

At least she has that.

-So, I think this is a good height.

-Sally, what are you doing?

-Sorting out your electricians.

-Well, no, you don't need to do that.

Turns out your job wasn't that hard, so...

So, what time are you going to start interviewing the chefs?

Oh, shit! That's today, isn't it? That's today!

-It looks that way.

-What am I going to do?

Well, shouting at me isn't an option any more, now I don't work for you.

Hi, guys. Sorry I'm late.

Raiding the pharmacy, eh?

I hope we don't have a Nurse Betty situation on our hands.

-You mean Nurse Jackie?

-That's right. Do we?

No. I was just, um...

Oh, teenage sexual health clinic tomorrow.

So, do you want me for something?

Fan mail from the kids you did the measles talk to.

Oh! That's nice.

Don't get too excited.

I expect they were responding to your novelty value.

Meaning?

Young. Female.

Ethnically atypical.

This ironic racism thing you do,

you might want to keep an eye on that.

So what would be the correct terminology in these circumstances?

Oh, I don't know.

"Well done," perhaps?

OK. Well done.

You were such a hit that two other schools want the same talk.

So, yes, well done.

Thank you.

-Where's Joe?

-Football practice.

He hates football practice.

Ah, but he loves Maya so I thought it'd be worth a try.

Plus, it means I can get this in before the deadline.

He loves me more. I could've taken him.

You weren't here, love.

I'm standing for school governor, since you asked.

I'm going to Dad's for the weekend, to see my half-sister.

Well, OK, as long as you've warned him.

What do you think I should put as my electoral slogan?

What?

My tagline for my manifesto.

How about...

"All children matter. But not as much as Joe."

Or, better still,

"I won't listen because I'm always right."

Don't be like that, Rebecca.

I know you're growing up and I know it's difficult.

But try not to take it out on me all the time. OK?

Well, then, don't spend all your time being a bitch

and then playing the understanding mum when it suits you.

I know that you and Luke are sleeping together.

Is that what this has all been about?

No, it's not.

And if that was your big moment to bring me

back down to earth, then it didn't work.

Thank you very much indeed.

No problem at all.

-Yeah, we'll be in touch.

-Great!

You know, just don't leave it too long. I'll get snapped up!

-Right, thank you.

-Cheers, pal. Take care.

All good?

I feel like Gregg Wallace.

"They all talk a great meal."

All right.

Yeah, you've made your point, Sal.

Really? What point do you think I'm making?

That I've been an utter dick.

I'll drink to that.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to take it out on you.

It's just, it's scary, this.

It's taking shape, though, eh?

Yeah.

Not bad for a thick kid, eh?

Indeed.

Here's to us.

-Mm.

-Cheers.

Nearly there.

More debt than the Greek economy, but optimism to burn.

That's more like it. That's the Paul I remember.

You've already built a successful business from scratch.

Yeah, but if that had failed, I could've just towed that away.

But this place, you know, God, it's...

Can you imagine?

People will visit these ruins in 100 years' time

and wonder about the vanity of the man that built it.

You always were big on humiliation.

I always thought that's why you finished with me.

To spare yourself the humiliation of me finishing with you.

-The pre-emptive chucking.

-Mm.

Still a modern classic!

I blamed Oasis at the time.

I blamed Blur.

God, I haven't talked shite like this for a long time.

Happy to oblige.

If you think that's good, wait till you taste this.

-Sorry, Eddie, I'm driving.

-What have you got there?

Sample bottles, limited edition, for the launch.

Fellside Fuggles.

Sounds vaguely sexual.

It's the alliteration. Always punches through.

I get the Fuggles. What's the Fellside bit?

I'm off, then.

Oh, all right.

Wait, wait, wait.

-You'd better take some money.

-Dad's already given me some.

All right, well, take it anyway,

cos you might want to get a present for the baby or something.

Do you not think I already thought of that?

Look, I'm sorry about blurting that out,

about you and Luke before.

That was just wrong of me.

I just want you to talk to me more, I suppose.

Look, I just want you to know that I do know what you're going through.

No, you don't. You really have no idea.

OK. Well, just say hello to Stuart for me.

What is that supposed to mean?

Bye, Joe!

Mmm!

That's good, it's really good. Mmm.

Crisp, hoppy and refreshing, just like the label says.

That isn't what it says on the label, but, erm, never mind.

It's great.

It may surprise you to know I do have a bit of a clue what I'm doing.

Never doubted it.

What about you? Do you know what you're doing?

Late night bonding over fuse boards

and boiler options with the delectable Sally.

No. Me and Sally? No.

Now, that'd be...that'd be sad.

What?

What?

Your doubting face.

You two have got history and she's still a very attractive woman.

You know what it's like.

You get chatting to someone outside the family

and, well, there's no bills to argue over and no kids.

You can be that guy again, you can be yourself.

Oh, the sad dyslexic loser that stayed behind to get

a labouring job in a brewery while his mates went to uni?

That guy?

There were more to me than that, Eddie.

I had trials for Morecambe, remember.

Paul...

everyone had trials for Morecambe.

For five minutes, a breath of fresh air, you know, a bit of flirting.

Me and Alison, we're rock solid, mate.

-Glad to hear it.

-Yeah.

In fact, between me and you...

..we're trying for another baby.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-That's amazing!

Yeah, I think the time's right, you know.

Good for you. Good for you.

-Cheers.

-Cheers.

It might make you feel sick or give you a headache.

Yeah, I know. Thanks.

-And if you vomit within two hours of taking it, come and see me.

-OK.

Listen, I'm sorry for asking you about Rebecca before.

I should never have put you in that position.

Well...

No, you shouldn't.

# ..common people

# I want to do whatever common people do... #

MUSIC TRACK REWINDS

# I want to live like common people

# I want to do whatever common people... #

What was it like? The sex?

On a scale from terrible to disastrous.

Tom, you can't ask that.

Just the way Luke's behaving, it looks like disastrous.

So, he's embarrassed and that's why

he's had a complete personality change.

I don't know. I didn't have anything to compare it to.

Was it...

I don't know, vaguely enjoyable? Exciting?

I enjoyed the fact that we were finally, you know, doing it.

Is that it?

Hardly Fifty Shades Of Grey, is it?

I don't know what to say. What is there to say?

ENGINGE RUMBLES

GRIME MUSIC BLARES FROM CAR

Do you want a lift?

I'm going to my dad's.

He lives in Lancaster.

Sorry, no can do.

My dad says, "No can do."

You've only been driving for a fortnight

and suddenly you're talking like you're 30 or something.

How about you tell us about how many miles you're getting to the gallon?

Oh, go suck a big one.

Sadly, that rules you out, Dan.

Oh, my God.

SHE LAUGHS

-You OK?

-Mm, not really.

Be good to get out of this shithole,

see my dad and my new half-sister.

She's, like, five months old.

Listen to you,

with your special needs brother and your blended family.

You're like a set text in GCSE English!

-You two need a lift?

-No, it's all right.

I'm going over to Lancaster to see my dad.

Oh, that's a coincidence. I'm going that way.

No, you're not. You're not even facing the right direction.

How do you know I'm not reversing there? Come on.

You'd be doing me a favour. I'm on the run.

So, is that your boyfriend?

-Who, Tom?

-Yeah.

No. Tom is not my boyfriend. Tom's gay.

Oh.

-Probably just a phase.

-Grandad!

I'm just saying. We had David Bowie.

He was prettier than all the girls in the school so, you know!

Yeah. Is that what you're on the run from, then? Your sexual confusion?

Closer than you think! HE CHUCKLES

You know, any time you want a lift to your dad's, you only have to ask.

-I thought you hated him.

-I do.

But you don't.

And I love you.

Sometimes I miss him.

Well, not him, exactly,

because I've never known a time when Paul wasn't my dad,

but I miss, like, the idea of him.

Do you know what I mean?

I do, love. I know exactly what you mean.

Grandad?

-Grandad, are you OK?

-I'm fine. I'm fine, darling.

-Do you want to stop?

-Stop? No chance.

If I stop, I'll be weeping like Louis Walsh.

Driving's the only thing that's keeping me together!

It's just, you know, sometimes,

I miss the conversations I'll never have with your grandma.

Hell...

I even miss the arguments.

Yeah, I miss Grandma, too.

I know you do, love. I know you do.

I'm doing all this for you, young man. I hope you appreciate it.

I don't think so.

Hey.

Come on, eh?

One more try, yeah?

Come on, for me. One more try, eh?

Eh?

Do you remember?

Cos I think you do.

SHE IMITATES KNOCKING

Calling Joe! Are you in there?

Are you in there?

I'm in here.

I know you're in there, too. Somewhere inside.

I know, Joe. I saw it.

All right, all right, all right. Fair enough. Fair enough.

LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

What is it about Alison,

she always manages to find a man to run around after her?

HE MOUTHS

I spend my whole life panicking, are we doing the right thing?

Can we ever do the right thing?

Dear me, Maurice, is this really still a thing?

You don't fancy me till your best mate has a crack at me.

There's only one good way of dealing with boys' gossip.

-Ignore it, I know.

-Ignore it?

Avenge it.

You can't expect everybody to do your bidding

whenever you say the word "Joe"!