Episode 5 The A Word

-Mr Scott, twice in one week. You're spoiling me.

-Our secret's out.

-Is it such a bad thing?

-Yes.

For the first time, today, I thought, "Might be OK, here."

That's a coincidence. For the first time, today, I thought,

"This is never going to work."

It's your family. You're all so intense. I can't see you again.

I'm going to Dad's for the weekend.

Any time you want a lift to your dad's, you only have to ask.

-I thought you hated him.

-I do.

You do know that doing this without taking precautions is

how babies get made.

Would that be such a bad thing?

It felt like, for a few moments, I could see the real Joe.

We've got our very own Maya effect, of course.

Between me and you, we're trying for another baby.

Can you get me the morning-after pill?

I woke up this morning and just realised, it's not the right time.

MUSIC: Reward by The Teardrop Explodes

JOE SINGS ALONG: # Bless my cotton socks I'm in the news

# The king sits on his face

# But it's all assumed

# All wrapped up the same

# All wrapped up the same

# They can't have it You can't have it

# I can't have it, too

# Until I learn to

# Accept my reward... # CAR HORN

This programme contains some strong language

SIREN WAILS

# Prisoners stand in queues

# And stand accused

# Live in solitude

# Like Howard Hughes... #

MUSIC: Mardy Bum by Arctic Monkeys

THEY SPEAK OWN LANGUAGE

# Laughs and jokes around

# Remember cuddles in the kitchen

# Yeah, to get things off the ground

# And it was... #

Mind turning the music off?

-OK.

-SHE TURNS THE MUSIC OFF

-HE TURNS IT ON

-Joe.

SHE TURNS IT OFF # Oh, but it's right hard

# To remember that On a day like today

# When you're all argumentative

# And you've got your face on. #

Sorry, he's upset. He likes to sing.

He was wandering down the road.

We're taking him back to his parents.

So he's not actually your child?

No. We were just giving him a lift home.

Would you wait there a moment, please? Two-five to control...

THEY SPEAK OWN LANGUAGE

Mmm-hmm.

Yeah, it's a light-blue Transit.

It's Mike, Delta, Zero, Four, X-ray, Foxtrot, Foxtrot.

Yeah...

SHE EXHALES

-Morning.

-Oh, God.

SHE GROANS

Mmm...

No, come on, it's too early for that.

Oh, I know.

Let's try for twins.

I don't think biology works that way.

-CAR HORN

-No. Come on, no.

-That's Stuart dropping Becky off.

-Oh, God.

Him and his car horn - sounds like a twat.

-Now, now, don't start.

-HE SIGHS

I'm sorry we're here so early.

I forgot the roads were so empty around here.

Oh, surely the crowds gathered at the roadside to

-catch a glimpse of you(!)

-Same old Alison.

Well, there's a sight I don't want to see any time soon.

Look at my new sister. Isn't she cute?

-Hi, Paul. Are you all right?

-Hey.

Oh, what is it about Alison?

She always manages to find a man to run around after her.

HE LAUGHS WEAKLY

Rebecca tells me you're opening the restaurant soon.

Erm, gastro-pub. Yeah, not long, now.

The chef's doing his first cook-ups today, so...

It's very brave - pubs are closing left, right and centre.

-It's a gastro-pub.

-Paul knows what he's doing.

I'm not saying he doesn't,

I'm just saying it's a difficult time to be opening anything up.

Especially in this conversation.

Paul's done his research.

It's a great location, great chef, locally sourced produce.

You don't know he's a great chef, yet, though, do you?

I mean, if he's only just doing his first cook-ups.

How's the caravan business, Stuart?

Camper van? Thriving, yeah.

It's just gone mad, actually.

A load of middle-aged couples,

going off to festivals after the kids have left home.

Well, with your ever-growing family, you're going to need it, eh?

Hey, who says I'll stop at four? Life is an adventure.

Married, still young - if I have more kids, then so be it.

-I'll race you to five.

-Oh, yeah?

-Five kids? Really?

Who are you marrying next(?)

Dad said that he's going to get me a camper van

when I've passed my driving test. How cool is that?

Ooh, yeah, very cool.

Very cool.

Maybe a bit big for your first car, do you think?

Not a camper van per se, but I'd rather have her driving

something than hanging around bus stops at night.

She'll have something to drive, Stuart.

-You don't need to worry about that.

-Oh, right.

Are you going to get me a car, really?

-No... No promises.

-Well, we'll... You know..

-No, we'll talk about it.

-We'll try but...

Sorry, Rebecca hadn't mentioned anything about that.

I don't want to tread on anyone's toes.

No, you're not treading on anyone's toes.

-Right, that's me off. OK, nice to see you again, Stuart.

-Yeah.

Becca, back to reality I think.

You know you've got a tonne of homework to do, I think.

OK. BABY SQUEALS

Two of my three favourite girls in the world. Yeah, you. You.

-This one!

-LAUGHTER

No, I'm glad you had a nice time.

I always do with Dad.

Well, you hardly see him - the novelty helps.

Trust me, the less you see of Stuart, the more you love him.

Mum!

I'm sorry. No, I'm glad you had a nice time with your dad.

He can't be all bad. I mean, look how lovely you are.

Although, I think that might be nurture more than nature.

You're doing it again!

It might not seem like it, but you being happy -

it's the most important thing in the world.

Apart from Joe coming home in a police car.

Maya's not Polish?

I'm sorry, of course she's Polish.

It turns out not.

She came from the Ukraine on a short-term study visa

-and she's overstayed it by seven months.

-No, no, no, that's...

This isn't right. She's Polish. She's...she's legal.

She's like part of our family. She helps out with Joe.

Is that in a paid capacity?

No, it's... No...

It's... No, it's not in a paid capacity.

She's the girlfriend of the lad at my dad's brewery.

She's interested in teaching so she helps out now and...

Where is she now? I need to get Joe to school.

She's been taken to the police station to be interviewed.

She is being held in a police station? Here?

-This can't be happening.

-They'll assess if she's at risk of fleeing

and, if not, they'll start the process of her being removed

or, more likely, going home voluntarily.

No, she's not going anywhere.

I don't think that's for you to say, madam.

-Who's your senior officer?

-Inspector Herd.

OK, Bob Herd.

Great. OK.

Inspector Herd.

We'll just go and see Bob. He'll sort this out.

It doesn't work like that, madam.

It does work like that.

Believe me, for me, it very much works like that.

Come on, Joe.

-Everything OK?

-Oh, yeah, fine. PC Plum turned up in person.

-Listen, would you be able to take Joe to school?

-Oh, I'm already late.

Well, even better - look, now you've got an excuse.

Joe, will you go with Nicola, love? Joe, go with Nicola. OK?

Erm, OK.

Erm... Did you manage to talk to Paul?

I've got one or two other things on my mind right now.

See you later.

ENGINE STARTS

Yeah, I know. Here she is.

What? Slumming it today, then?

-His car knocked out.

-You mean it broke down?

It's going to cost bare money to repair

and he ain't got it right now.

OK, why are you talking in that weird way?

People change. Get over it.

What's wrong with it?

The car, not the accent.

Probably all that wanking you were both doing in it

wrecked the suspension.

Oh, he'd know about that. Mmm.

I'm not sure that repartee is your strong suit, Dan.

Rebecca would know about it, too, from what I hear.

What?

Calm down, Becky.

I mean, from what Luke tells me, I couldn't keep up with you, anyway.

Who else have you told?

Is that your mum?

"Your mum"? Now you really are scraping the barrel.

No, your mum, there.

Dad, can you give me a call when you get this, please?

I'm at the police station.

Maya's been detained. Some immigration nonsense.

Or, better still, can you ring your mate Bob Herd? Inspector Herd.

Thanks.

Inspector Herd's in meetings all day.

Yeah, thank you. I'll wait.

-KIDS:

-One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight...

I think you're going to school now.

Bye.

"I am packing you an extra pair of shoes -

"and your angry eyes, just in case."

Mrs Potato Head, Toy Story 2.

DOOR SLAMS

I can't really help right now, Alison.

I'm 14 blood samples behind.

Yeah, I just thought that you could get a GP's letter supporting

-her right to remain on medical grounds.

-Erm, well...

I'll try, but it's a long shot.

Can't you just write it and get your prick of a boss to sign it?

Her prick of a boss can actually read!

Oh, God.

Sorry about that.

She wasn't being gratuitously offensive -

she really does just think you're a prick.

Fair enough. What about you?

I don't really have a strong opinion either way.

I'll count that as a result. You're late.

Georgie!

There's a GP trainee post just turned up in a mate's practice.

You should give them a call.

Georgie?

Are you sacking me?

I will, if that's what it takes to stop you

wasting your talent in this place.

You know that isn't how it works.

I need to apply for an Inter-Deanery Transfer.

Blah-blah-blah, official, yawn.

Let's just say I have connections, if you want it.

It's in Stockport.

It is, indeed, and, as you are now used to rain,

it shouldn't be too much of a culture shock.

This isn't about the phone call just now?

No. Call him, you'll get on.

he's less of a prick than me,

and Stockport has a hat museum.

Thanks for seeing me, Bob.

I'm not sure I had much choice, did I?

-She's being released.

-Oh, great. Thank you.

Thank you so much.

She's coming to see us tomorrow to be issued with an IS-96

and then she's agreed to go home to Ukraine.

She agreed...? She can't have agreed. That's...

Can't she appeal?

If she appeals,

we are obliged to investigate how she's been supporting herself.

Why are you saying it like that?

DRAWER SLAMS SHUT

How's Maurice?

Erm... He's...he's well, yeah. He's...

he's up a hill somewhere, raising sheep, or else he'd be here, too.

You do know there's nothing I can do, don't you?

Look, I don't know what my dad's told you about Joe, his grandson.

Nothing much, to tell the truth.

Erm, there's a problem with his hearing, I think he said.

That's right, yeah. It's a problem with his hearing, and Maya...

she's brilliant with him. She's got childcare qualifications

-from her own country.

-Poland or Ukraine?

Does it matter? She's talented and she's unlocked something in Joe,

and he's your mate's grandson, so...

So?

So you must be able to turn a blind eye, Bob.

You can't seriously be asking me to break the law in a police station?

I'm seriously asking you to forget your job for a minute

and remember who you are.

You're my dad's oldest mate.

I'm seriously asking you to show some compassion, Bob.

I show compassion every day of my working life.

Maurice has always done all right by you, hasn't he?

The police Christmas party, the brewery, every year,

all that free beer...

Are you suggesting that all that free beer over the years was

him buying goodwill in case he needed it later on?

Are you telling me that you've never done a favour for a mate?

I am already turning a blind eye to the fact that she was

illegally working at the brewery and illegally working for you.

If I flagged that up, she could be asked to pay back her wages

and you and the brewery could be fined £10,000 apiece.

Now, if I were you, I'd leave,

while you still have an ounce of goodwill left

in the bank of Bob Herd.

The year my dad's had since my mum died...

He's just finished grieving and you'd do this to his grandson?

You're some fucking mate.

It's not over, Maya. Believe me.

I think it is over. I'm sorry. I should have told you.

No, no, we'll appeal.

If I appeal and lose, I won't be allowed back for ten years.

Hey, what about David?

What about him?

Well, you already live together, don't you?

Why don't you get married?

Are you making a joke?

No, he's an EU citizen.

You obviously love each other. Why don't you marry him?

Maybe one day...

but in the future.

Look, maybe that one day in the future is right now.

Eh?

Come on.

You're insane.

She isn't going to get married just cos you ask her to.

I wouldn't be so sure about that.

THEY SPEAK OWN LANGUAGE

She's already broken the law

and you want her to enter into a sham marriage?

Not a sham marriage - a premature marriage.

I got your messages. Is Joe all right?

Yeah, yeah, he's at school. He's fine.

It's Maya - she's being deported.

-Oh, shit. No. Why?

-Yeah.

-I have just got off the phone to Bob Herd.

-Oh, and?

And you're lucky he's a lovely fella who knows you're upset

and are not making any sense.

Well, did you ask if he can do anything?

I did, as a matter of fact.

I asked if he wouldn't charge you for trying to bribe

a police officer, and that he'd accept your apology.

When did you see Bob Herd?

-I'm not apologising.

-You are. You've got to.

He's my best mate here, and you've just marched into that office

and shat all over that friendship.

-It's about the worst thing you could have done.

-Not for Joe, it wasn't.

Oh, for God's sake, there are more things in this world than Joe.

-Not to me, there aren't!

-There are, Alison.

I know you don't want to hear it but there are.

I'd love to stand here and argue with you all day, Dad,

but I've got to get help from people that give a shit.

Of course I give a shit. He's my grandson.

I'm just saying, you can't expect everybody to do your bidding

whenever you say the word "Joe".

Oy!

Alison!

Alison.

Nice, Maurice.

Oh, are you defending her? She tried to blackmail a police officer.

Well, I think blackmail's a bit strong, isn't it?

This is Bob Herd, we're talking about.

He'd turn a blind eye to murder if there was a pint in it for him.

She's out of control.

She tries to fix everything by willing it to happen

or shouting about it!

Oh, I wonder where she gets that from(!)

This is all your fault.

What were you thinking of, hiring a bloody Ukrainian?

Everyone thought she was Polish. CAR ENGINE STARTS

I see you're having this new conditioning vessel installed.

Yeah, I took an informed decision and went against your advice.

Well, I know that, that's why I had a word with the supplier,

and made sure you weren't being made a mug of.

What? You did what?

You can't do it, can you?

You just can't let it go!

Do you know what? I'm not sure that this is working out.

-Right.

-I don't know. You know, round peg, square hole.

You might want to think about looking for something else.

Yeah.

I agree.

What?

You may not have noticed, but I actually like it here

and, to my surprise and yours, I'm actually good at it.

Not just the rebranding, the internet stuff, the marketing,

but the actual brewing -

the science, the precision, the magic.

You don't need to tell me about that. I've lived it.

I know, and that's the problem.

Dad, what's clear is that one of us has to walk away from this,

and it's never going to be you.

A couple of people I know from uni approached me

when I first moved back.

You know, people who actually think I might have something to offer.

Crazy as it sounds, people who might believe in me.

I see. I see.

I gave up my job to give you something to do.

You brew three ales and that's it. Brewing's done. Time to move on.

It isn't working out. You just said so yourself.

I said that because I'm pissed off with you.

No, you said that cos you were pissed off with Alison.

There is such a thing as being too clever, you know?

I'm sure there is, but I don't think it's something either of us

have to worry about any time soon.

See you tomorrow.

Can I... Can I have a word, Paul?

Yeah. Yeah.

Just so you know, Joe - he seemed a bit off today.

I couldn't get him to join in at all,

not even with the activities he likes.

Maybe he's feeling a bit under the weather.

Yeah, it'll be nothing.

-I just thought you'd like to know.

-OK. Thank you.

Hiya, Mozart.

Hey? Come on.

Perfect. Come on.

Ah, there he is.

Eddie, a bit of bad news on the beer front, I'm afraid.

-Oh, yeah?

-Yeah, the builders have just told me that

the plumbing behind the bar is not going to be

ready in time for the draught ales, so it's going to have to be bottled.

Fair enough.

Look, I'm sorry, mate. I know how much you put into that special.

It's only beer.

Right, good, good.

How's Joe, since his trauma this morning?

Trauma?

Yeah, he's absolutely fine.

Joe?

Me and your uncle Eddie, we once had a ride in the back of a police car,

when we were young lads, didn't we, Ed?

A bit older, maybe.

All done, now, though, eh?

That's the main thing, isn't it?

Come on, then.

I think he's forgotten it even happened.

No point making a big deal about it, get him upset...

-"Least said, soonest mended," and all that.

-Yeah, sure.

-Come on, then, Joe.

-After the morning I've had,

I think it should be the family motto.

Maya won't be coming to play with you for a little while.

She's got to go home. and be with her mum for a bit.

Yes.

And that might make you sad but Maya will come back.

Yes.

Do you understand, Joe?

Let me see, now...

Yes.

And Maya's going to come round and say goodbye to you before she goes.

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye!

Joe, can you try and look at me?

Does he need to look at you, love? He gets it.

Love, do you get it? Maya is not going to be here with you any more.

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye!

I think he gets it. There you go.

MUSIC PLAYS IN HEADPHONES

I know you like to bury everything,

but Joe needs to understand what's going on.

What if he understands perfectly and he's OK with it?

He can't be OK with it. He has a bond with Maya.

I don't want him to panic when she's not around.

It sounds like it's you that's panicking.

I spend my whole life panicking.

Are we doing the right thing?

Can we ever do the right thing?

Then there's Rebecca, us, the diner, the restaurant,

the baby you want so badly...

The baby WE want so badly.

I don't panic when Joe is with Maya, so, yes, I am.

I'm terrified that Maya's leaving.

The baby WE want so badly.

That's what I said!

SHE SIGHS

But there's only one good way of dealing with boys' gossip.

Ignore it, I know.

Ignore it? No.

Avenge it.

Really?

Get Luke on his own and intimidate him.

How am I going to do that, though? He chucked me.

Use something personal and hurtful

and make it count.

What if I...

I don't know, make it worse?

SHE SIGHS He's a teenage boy.

You know, he's 20 times more insecure than you,

despite the monkey walk and big shoulders.

I'm sure you'll think of something.

Well, monkey walk and big shoulders isn't a bad start.

You make sure you scare that little shit of an ex-boyfriend

from turning you into masturbation fodder for his virgin mates.

Don't let me down.

SWING SQUEAKS

MUSIC: Don't You Want Me by The Human League

Louise.

Maurice.

Are you here for open mike night?

No, no.

Well, for what it's worth, I think you're ready.

I'm just having a drink with a pal.

Well...

When you said your Alison wanted to apologise,

I thought you meant that Alison would actually be here in person,

apologising.

Don't be a stickler, Bob. Just enjoy your pint.

Fair enough.

I'm sorry about Alison. I really am.

She's a bit of an hothead.

Yeah, well, she was desperate. I could see that.

Have you got something going with that milf music teacher

with the backward lad?

-She keeps looking over.

-Yeah, well, there's a reason for that.

Oh, yeah? Dark horse!

I can't stay long.

-What have you been saying to your mates about me and you?

-Nothing.

Well, from what Dan said to me this morning, I don't think that's true.

You didn't tell me it was supposed to be a secret.

It's not a secret, it's private,

and, despite your new off-the-peg stupid act,

I thought you'd have known the difference.

It's not really that big a deal, is it?

I won't be masturbation fodder for your virgin mates.

It's a bit late for that now.

I just thought you should note that my auntie's a doctor

-at Dr Graves' surgery.

-So?

So she has access to everyone's medical records, including yours,

so if there's anything in there

that you don't want the whole town to know about,

I'd be a bit more careful about what you say about me.

I feel like I don't know you any more.

Well, that's good, cos I'd rather you didn't.

HE SIGHS

It wasn't a serious thing, you know.

Louise was the first woman I'd had anything to do with

since I lost Sandra.

Well, don't play it down. It's still a result.

I think maybe I just wanted to know that life moves on after all.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I get that.

To tell you the truth, being with someone else,

you know, holding someone else like that,

I still felt lonely.

It made me miss Sandra more, not less.

Everything about it felt wrong.

There's nothing like a bit of wrong to get the juices flowing, eh?

Bloody hell. I'm opening my heart to you, here, Bob.

I know. You're scaring me.

Oh, come on, I'm only having a laugh.

So, is it definitely over between you and her, then?

Yeah. I'd say so.

So, how would you feel if I asked her out?

Fine. Yeah.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

-Absolutely. What are we?

A couple of teenagers riding up and down outside her house on our bikes?

After a decent interval, obviously.

Obviously. It goes without saying.

# ..To talk with, all by myself

# No-one to walk with

# But I'm happy on the shelf

# Ain't misbehaving

# Saving my love for you

# I know for certain

# The one I love

# I'm through with flirtin'

# It's just you that I'm thinkin' of

-# Ain't misbehavin'

-Ain't misbehaving

-# Savin' all my love for you

-Savin' my love for you. #

Joe, look at the photo. Who's that?

-Who's that?

-Has anyone seen my English book?

-No.

-Anyone?

Joe, it's Maya, isn't it? You know Maya.

She's going to be going away.

Does that make you sad?

It makes me sad, yes.

Does it really?

Joe, Joe, do you understand that Maya is going to be going away?

Has anyone seen my pen?

Oh, for God's sake!

For God's sake.

Hey, Joe, Joe...

-Rebecca.

-I know you're upset.

Yeah, you know, this is hard for you.

# Lost your love of life? Too much apple pie

# Oh, have you lost your love of life?

# Too much apple pie. #

MUSIC FADES IN: Kennedy by The Wedding Present

HE SINGS ALONG: # And now Ari's walked away with Johnny's wife

# You've got to pick some people up

# You've got to let some people go

# But if Lee's name does come up

# Oh, well, I really want to know

# Because everybody loves a TV show... #

HE BREATHES HEAVILY

DISCORDANT MUSIC PLAYS

MUSIC GROWS LOUDER

MUSIC GROWS EVEN LOUDER

MUSIC FADES OUT

-GIRL:

-Yeah!

HE BREATHES HEAVILY

-You're late.

-Did you sleep with Bob Herd?

No.

Did you?

I have another student booked after you, so we'll have to cut it short.

# Everybody loves a happy ending

# But we don't even try

# We go straight past pretending

# To the part where everybody loves to cry

# Indoor fireworks... #

That was fine. Why did you stop?

Did you sleep with him?

No, I did not!

Then why was his car outside the pub this morning?

Because he drank too much and, being a police inspector,

he's more respectful than most of the drink-driving laws.

Well, I know that's not true, for a start.

SHE SIGHS

We drank too much because we couldn't stop talking about you.

Oh.

Right.

Dear me, Maurice, is this really still a thing?

Aged 56, and you don't fancy me until your best mate has

a crack at me, and then you decide you fancy me after all.

Good God, does nothing change at all?

I don't go much on analysis.

Clearly.

I'm sorry, I'm just very confused at the moment.

Maurice, we've been to bed together a couple of times.

We're not in a relationship.

You don't get to tell me you're confused.

You don't care about my feelings?

I don't care enough about your feelings to torture myself

trying to second-guess them.

Now, are you going to sing or are you going to leave?

SHE RESUMES PLAYING Indoor Fireworks by Elvis Costello

# We get to the part where I say that I'm gonna leave... #

I'll be back in ten minutes. I promise.

You'd better be. I've got a life too, you know.

I've got hot yoga for beginners at 2.30pm.

Yeah, I'll be back, I said.

Did you manage to talk to Paul about not wanting to get pregnant?

When you take Joe for an appointment,

-do you notice all the parents for the other children?

-Ugh.

Mainly I notice the kids that are a lot worse than Joe

and feel guilty that I'm pleased.

Take a look at the parents next time,

or just a mum or a dad...

but never a couple.

Nicola, you're clever, but you're not relationship clever.

Paul and me - we're not the kind of couple that split up.

Everyone thinks that until they do.

TOOL BUZZES

Oh, hey-o.

Oof, a bit early, Dad.

I need a stiff drink,

in case my daughter starts telling me off again

and, if pub food doesn't taste good with beer, then it's all over.

Oh, too right. Got to be big on flavour.

I mean, you know, don't get me wrong,

I like a skate wing as much as the next guy, just never on a pub menu.

-You're talking my language, Gary.

-Mmm-hmm.

-Stop taking over, Dad.

-You won't know I'm here.

-All right, then, herbed, baked fish, could be battered.

-Right.

-What do you think?

-Yeah.

Lamb stew, venison sausages...

And a vegetarian option for them

that want to spoil it for everybody else.

All locally sourced.

Mint cake and sheep shit are locally sourced -

doesn't mean they should be on the menu.

I thought we wouldn't know you were here, Maurice?

Paul, I was thinking maybe one

-change before next week and then...

-PHONE RINGS

-..depending on the day...

-Sorry, sorry, it's my son's school. Hello.

-Right, OK. Yeah, half an hour?

-Oh, very good.

-All right, bye.

Sorry.

HE SIGHS

I remember when a scallop meant a slice of potato in batter.

-I want you to cut Eddie some slack.

-On the scallop front?

I realise that Eddie doesn't correspond to your traditional

notion of masculinity and, therefore, you have issues

around treating him as a grown-up, but it's got to stop, Maurice.

-Whoa. Where has this come from?

-You clearly have problems with him

knowing about your burgeoning relationship with Louise and...

There's no burgeoning going on of any description.

That ship has sailed.

It's over, whatever it was, and, secondly,

I only ever rode Eddie to see that his heart was in it,

and it turns out it isn't.

What do you mean?

What? He hasn't told you?

He's told me he's got other plans outside the brewery.

He hasn't told you. Really? Typical.

It seems to me it should be him you're bollocking.

TOOL BUZZES

Hey. Hi, Sweetheart.

-Shall we go in and see him?

-Paul, Alison, come in.

He was very agitated when he came in,

and then he wouldn't come away from doing his little door dance.

He was tipping chairs over and throwing books around.

He was very upset.

Oh, something must have happened with another kid or something.

That's... Did you see anything?

Well, nothing that we're aware of. How has he been at home?

Well, actually, there's a...

There is a young lady that's been helping out and she's...

Unfortunately, she's going to have to leave, so maybe that's...

Or not. Or not.

He doesn't say how he feels, so, you know, who knows?

But we have been talking about it a lot.

This change at home, well, maybe it's something we could talk about.

-At home time, or story time, maybe...

-No, look, sorry, no.

He doesn't need...

I just don't think he needs to dwell on it any longer than necessary.

Well, what I've been doing with Joe,

when he's been finding things a bit difficult, is using story cards.

He seems to quite like them.

Perhaps it's something you could try at home, if you have the time.

Perhaps.

Yeah, do you know? They actually sound really helpful. Thank you.

This does happen in the first term.

-It could happen to any child, not just a child...

-A child like Joe?

Yeah, I know, we get it.

-Thanks.

-BELL RINGS

Well, so much for him not feeling anything about Maya leaving.

So much for you putting ideas into his head.

Joe.

Where do you fancy going, then, kidder?

-JOE SIGHS

-Anywhere.

-Oh, anywhere.

Would that be anywhere with chips and a milkshake?

What are you doing?

You can't reward him wrecking a classroom.

I'm not.

I'm treating him because he's upset.

Oh, do what you like. I'm sick of playing bad cop.

CAR ENGINE REVS

He was fine with Maya leaving,

but you kept picking away at him until, finally,

he got so wound up that he flipped out at school, so, well done, you.

Next up, a nervous breakdown.

Yeah, well done, me, cos you know what?

I'm glad it happened.

Why? To satisfy your need for an emotional outburst?

His need, not mine.

I don't think you know the difference, do you?

All right, then, what are we having?

Same again, is it?

'Other people might think that this is an unnecessary activity

'for their children, so leave them doing it.

'My point is, having worked with a lot of kids,

'I can see it makes them happy.

'I can't see it costs them a lot.

'And I see a lot... I see loads of...'

Thanks.

Hey. Hey.

I think you should stay and watch this.

Later on, there's a boy who is three years old,

and his parents were told he was so severely autistic

that he would never talk,

and then he had intensive applied behavioural analysis.

He's now 16, a normal teenager,

and he plays badminton for his national team.

Wow, badminton, eh?

Oh, well, you can't have everything.

PAUL LAUGHS

What if he's right, Paul?

Eh?

What if he is right and we're wrong,

and we make jokes about this stuff, and then we turn around and Joe's 16

and he's still flinging chairs around when he's upset,

but nobody thinks he's cute any more.

-Nobody thinks they can handle him any more.

-How do you know he hasn't

just had enough of you telling him to be upset?

If he feels something, he has to learn to express it.

If that means turning a few chairs over at school now,

I think that's a small price to pay.

KNOCK AT DOOR

KNOCK AT DOOR Well, you'd better get that.

DOORBELL RINGS It might be the Emotion Fairy

with more feelings for you to scatter around.

HE SIGHS

DOORBELL RINGS

Hi, sorry, it's not a great time, guys.

Is your daughter home?

Lovely hall, by the way.

Can we come in?

Yeah, yeah, of course. Just come on through.

OK, let me get this straight, Rebecca.

You told Luke that you had access to his medical records.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get anyone into trouble.

I have to say, I admire your angle of attack.

Unfortunately, your friend told his mother, who rang the surgery.

Oh, my God. He told his mother? Really?

How lame is that?

Rebecca, the shocking bit is that you would do something

so stupid, not that he would tell his mum.

Although, I have to agree, that is pretty lame.

And you... you talked her round, his mum, yeah?

You seem to be forgetting how revered I am in this town.

Yes, I talked her round but, unfortunately,

I had to agree to sack Nicola.

Oh.

So, it's not just Nicola -

none of this family have a sense of humour.

None of this family have your sense of humour.

That's not the same thing.

Of course I didn't sack Nicola

but, if you want to get at your friend again,

then choose another way, OK?

All right, well, thank you for being so understanding.

Thank you. Yeah.

-All right.

-I'm sorry.

We know.

Mind telling us why?

He hurt my feelings. He said some stuff.

What stuff, eh? I'll go round and give him a thump.

Well, you're good of good ideas, today, aren't you(?)

Sometimes audacious is the only thing that works.

Now you sound like Stuart.

So what?

Yeah, so what?

Thanks, Mum.

At least Graves saw the funny side.

He always sees the funny side.

That's part of what makes him so irritating.

If you had Maurice on your case all day,

then you'd have something to complain about.

Is that why you told him you had other plans - Maurice -

because he's on your case all day?

Were you being serious about that

or were you just saying it to get back at him?

I didn't say anything cos I was just exploring.

There have been a couple of approaches.

Nothing is certain but... a research post in Manchester.

Manchester?

Yes, Manchester -

a place with universities, libraries, public transport,

Wi-Fi, phone coverage,

and not a single member of my family,

so what do you say?

Fancy joining the escape committee?

I don't think so.

Oh...

I was approached about a job away from here.

-There's a trainee post not far from Manchester, as it turns out.

-Really?

This is perfect, isn't it?

Well, it would be, except I said no.

I don't believe you.

I think...

We've just started to get happy here.

Next you'll be telling me you like my family(!)

Well, not "like" exactly, but I do kind of see the point of you all.

Come on. We can be happy somewhere else, can't we?

I don't know that.

Neither do you.

Our marriage is so shit, it can only work somewhere we both hate?

I'm starting to like it here,

and...

I understand you here.

You might not like to think it suits you here, but it does.

I love you here.

Jesus, I never thought I'd have a love that spans continents,

but I was hoping for more than a two-mile radius.

DOORBELL RINGS

DOORBELL RINGS AGAIN

Erm, is Nicola in?

You didn't have to buy these.

I quite understood why you did what you did.

I just got you into trouble. I nearly got you the sack.

Well, you didn't, and I wasn't sacked,

but these are nice.

It's a bit of a goodbye present, as well.

What do you mean?

I've got a reading week,

so I thought I'd go and stay with my dad for a bit.

You know, Stuart, my other dad.

Why does everyone want to leave all of a sudden?

I could start taking it personally(!)

Well, I get to see my new sister, and I get a change,

and I can leave Mum and Dad to sort all of this Joe stuff out.

Oh, well, I don't think that's a good idea.

Oh.

I don't think running away is the best way to solve problems.

I used to do it and it didn't end well.

Well, the only thing keeping me here right now is you and Eddie.

Well, we're not going anywhere. Don't worry about that.

Johnny!

You missed a cracking bit of food at Paul's tasting menu.

Is that why you wanted to come for a drink - to tell me that?

No, it isn't. I've...

I wanted to say sorry about going off at you like that...

and saying what I said.

It's not like you to apologise.

No, it isn't, so don't milk it.

Maybe if you sang it, it would mean more(!)

Eddie, you're my son, and I love you,

but you'd always be in the medals at the Twat Olympics.

That's more like it.

Just out of interest, when you were at school and you chose yoga

over football, was that for real or was that just to wind me up?

It's OK, Dad.

Apology accepted.

And you were right about the brewery.

-It hasn't worked.

-No, I was wrong to say what I said.

You're doing a good job and, the truth is,

it kills me, to be honest.

A son, good at something, causes father pain?

Could we just have a minute's silence to think about that?

I had thought I was the only one who could do it.

You know, I built the place, and I thought I was...

well, not exactly Donald Trump, but Willy Wonka, at least.

Dad, you loved that brewery and you gave it up too early -

we both know that.

You get the brewery back. How's about that?

I don't want it back. I want to be your partner.

Proper partners.

-We could work together.

-Work together?

Are you insane? We can't do a crossword together

without the United Nations on speed dial.

Just think about it until you decide I'm right.

HE SIGHS

This is good, isn't it?

A father and son having a drink.

When was the last time we did this?

1999.

-We argued about the Millennium Dome.

-Oh, yeah.

I was right about that, and all.

You retired too early and for all the wrong reasons.

Take the brewery back.

I'm done here, I promise you.

Bye, Maya.

Bye, Rebecca. I will always remember your Antigone.

Do your studies well and Facebook me.

Always.

Thank you.

Thanks for everything.

Don't forget us,

and thank you so much for everything you've done.

I mean it, really. Thank you so much.

Thank you.

Joe...

-It's OK.

-No. No, no, no.

Joe, are you going to say goodbye to Maya, now?

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye!

Hey.

(Hey.)

MUSIC: Ace Of Spades by Motorhead

JOE AND MAYA SING ALONG # If you like to gamble I tell you I'm your man

# You win some, lose some It's all the same to me

# The pleasure is to play

# Makes no difference what you say

# I don't share your greed

# The only card I need is

# The Ace of Spades The Ace of Spades

JOE STOPS AND STARTS MUSIC # Playing for the high... The high

# One...

# The Ace of... #

Heavy metal. She's been teaching him heavy metal.

If I'd have known that, I'd have had her deported sooner(!)

ENGINE HUMS

-Bye, Maya.

-Safe journey.

-Be safe.

-CAR HORN

DOOR CLOSES

Well, there you are.

A bit of Lemmy was all that it took, eh?

HE CHUCKLES

We all want to save our children from being hurt, Paul,

but it's not how the world is.

Well, he's going to get more than enough hurt in his life, love.

Yeah, and he needs to be able to handle it.

What worries you?

Hmm?

That he can't express his feelings

or that he hasn't got the feelings in the first place?

I think he has feelings, Paul.

-Yeah, of course, look, no...

-I think he feels so much

and so deeply that he has to save himself from drowning in them,

and I think that's why he shuts down

and that's exactly what we can't let him do.

Why not? What if that is what he needs in order to survive?

Because the more he hides his feelings,

the further away he gets from us.

Oh...

Rebecca!

Can I see you for a minute, please?

What is it?

Just take a seat here for me, will you, love? There you go.

OK, erm...

Listen, you've got a sex life. I know that, and it's...

it's fine, and I don't need to know the details, but...

That isn't...that isn't mine.

Well, I'm not going to need the morning-after pill, am I?

Dad, it really isn't, I would never not take precautions.

Is this what this is all about?

Threatening Luke with medical records?

Does he know about this?

It isn't mine.

Look, I don't know what Stuart has been filling your head with

about being a free spirit and all of that, but this is real life,

and I don't want your real life to be ruined by some half-baked ideas

that he has put into your head

-about having lots of babies and having a family.

-Dad, it isn't mine!

Don't lie to me, love!

HE SIGHS

Don't lie to me. OK, this is not going to get us anywhere.

Then don't accuse me of something that I haven't done!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, what's going on?

Ask him.

Look at that.

The morning-after pill.

The morning-after pill - I found it in the bin.

-Mmm-hmm.

-Now, look, she's going to have to talk to one of us.

It doesn't matter if it's me or if it's you, but she is going to

-have to talk to one of us.

-OK. It's not hers, it's mine.

Don't cover for her, Alison, OK? This is...

-Bex, go upstairs, darling.

-Eh?

Look, we've got to be honest. This is important.

-Rebecca!

-Hey! It's mine.

I took it. It's mine.

MUSIC: Leave Right Now by Will Young

# And I'd love to say I do

# Give everything to you

# But I can never now be true... #

REBECCA SOBS QUIETLY

# So I say

# I think I'd better leave right now

# Before I fall any deeper

# I think I'd better leave right now... #

Why would you do that?

Because it's not the right time.

I haven't got the energy for another pregnancy,

-let alone another baby, not right now.

-Why didn't you say anything?

-Why did you do it behind my back?

-Because you were all excited.

So was I, for a bit, but then I just

thought about the reality and it...

-I just didn't have the strength to fight you about it.

-I get that.

I do.

I get it. The time is right for me and it's not for you.

I get that.

Yeah.

-I mean, there will be another time, right?

-I hope so, yeah.

Is it because you're scared that, you know,

the baby will turn out like Joe?

It's part of it, I think. Aren't you?

Erm...

I want two children.

We've got two children.

HE SIGHS

I want a normal child, Alison.

I want to father a normal child, so, there, I've said it.

You have, indeed, yeah.

Hey. Well, if I can't say that to you, then who can I say that to?

-Oh.

-God, you're meant to be

the one person in the world that

-I can say stuff like that to.

-Do you know? I'm exhausted.

I'm exhausted. Now, every day, every minute, I am sinking already.

Look how hard we had to fight for Maya.

Look at how we fell out over it.

One tiny thing goes wrong for Joe,

and it takes all the strength we have.

-To try and support another baby...

-Maybe that's the problem.

We've got all this energy and we've only got Joe to focus on.

So, what, I should have another child as light relief from Joe?

No, I'm not saying that, I'm just saying that...

Look, if we overthink it, then there will never be a right time.

Will there?

SHE EXHALES

There won't, will there?

No.

HE SIGHS

No, maybe there won't. I don't...

There will never be a right time because I don't want another child.

-It's as simple as that and...

-Oh.

Except, I do.

Yes, but we have Joe, and he's different -

-there's no point in pretending otherwise.

-So...

So he makes everything different for us. Everything.

Right.

He's your son, Alison, he's not your fucking alibi.

Hey.

DOOR OPENS

DOOR CLOSES

SHE EXHALES

RAIN SPLASHES

HE SIGHS

You and me are in the middle of 30 shades of crap right now,

and I hurt you. You hurt me.

I wouldn't mind knocking about with you.

Maurice, when was the last time you asked a woman out?

You're always on the outside, commenting on our marriage.

It never feels like you're actually inside it.

-Which way did he go?

-He went outside.

I know he went outside. Where did Joe go?!

Don't you dare talk to my son like that. Get out!

Maurice, you can't go shooting off up the hill on your own.

-I lost him. I'll find him.

-We'll find him.

Joe!