Episode 4 The A Word

Louise has got cancer and I'm helping her out.

I'm not here to help you get your own back on God.

It's Sandra you're trying to rescue, Maurice.

The change with Joe, it's taking its toll on you...

..and on me. We need to do something about that.

How was Manchester? How's Eddie?

Weirdest thing, this new girlfriend of his is just like you.

So you met her?

I'm going to take Sophie and the lad to that gig.

What happens next?

What happens is we enjoy ourselves.

Is this where we kiss?

Nah.

Just for a moment, I felt more at home with Sophie than I do with you.

So why are you telling me? Nothing happened.

Because something felt wrong.

# Break a mirror

# Roll the dice

# Run with scissors

# Through a chip pan fire fight

# Go into business with a grizzly bear

# But just don't sit down cos I've moved your chair

# Find a well-known hard man... #

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

What?

Oh, right.

Well, I'll come! I'm coming now!

# Fill in a circular hole with a peg that's square

# But just don't sit down cos I've moved your chair... #

-Louise. It's Maurice.

-COUGHING AND RETCHING

Are you OK in there?

Thank you for coming. I panicked.

That's all right. You're allowed.

I know I'm no oil painting but that's a bit rough.

SHE LAUGHS AMID RETCHING

I'll drop off some ginger and peppermint tea bags.

Might help with this if you're off the steroids.

Thanks.

Is Ralph there?

He was just in the hall, do you want me to go and get him?

No, no, no. I don't want him seeing me like this.

Do you mind if I borrow him for the day?

I've... I've got a beer tent that needs an extra pair of hands.

That would be great, yes. Thank you, Maurice.

I need your help, mate.

I'm not a baby.

Nobody's saying you are! Look, I've got a busy day.

I've got a busy day.

I need a hand.

I've overcommitted. As usual.

Just give me the morning, eh?

There's a fry up in it.

JOE PLAYS WITH VOLUME ON MUSIC

Are you going somewhere?

No, you two are. I've packed for you.

Eddie's lending you his flat.

All you've got do is get in the car.

It's a lovely idea but Paul's got the fell race at the gastro pub today

and I've got a 25-page assessment form to fill in for Joe's school.

We've got the gastro pub covered,

and I'm sure I can manage to fill in a form.

I know Joe off by heart and Nicola loves filling in questions.

Nicola?

Yeah, we're going to look after Joe together.

You've got no excuses left, now go.

It's really nice of you, love, but...

"But" nothing. Are you seriously telling me there isn't a problem?

I've noticed it so you can bet Joe's noticed it.

And you never see each other any more, so now's your chance.

It's only Eddie's flat but it's all I could think of - go on!

Relationship advice from a 19-year-old

with a three week broken engagement to her name?

Be good for my shattered self-esteem if you said yes.

Is this a private conga or can anyone join in?

Eddie, thank you for offering us your flat this weekend.

It's very sweet of you.

As long as you strip the bed

and don't go into my special bedside drawer...

No, we're not going. You need your flat for you and Emily.

No. Emily's meeting Holly for the first time this weekend

so we'll be staying at hers.

A sleepover? At your girlfriend's?

Are you sure you're ready to take it to the next level?

What if that doesn't work out? You'll need a bolt hole.

Oh, your faith in me is very touching.

Have you done your seduction playlist on your iPod yet?

No comment.

Does she have a compatible hub?

Hilarious. Now, get out of here, you crazy kids!

Emily! Oh!

Ah, look at that!

-Come on.

-Are you in on this too?

All Rebecca's idea. She wants you to go.

Is she planning a party? Is that what this is about?

No, she's worried about you.

Should she be?

# Shiver and say the words

# Of every lie you've heard

# First I'm gonna make it

# Then I'm gonna break it till it falls apart. #

-Beep, beep, beep, beep.

-All right, Joe.

Today is going to be different

but it's all on here. We'll have some breakfast,

then go to the playground. Then we'll go to the fell race

and watch Grandad run! Then we'll choose a film

and have fish and chips and we'll watch it together round yours.

How does that sound?

Lust For Life.

Iggy Pop. 1977.

Baby Emily will have fish and chips?

Sorry about that, Joe.

I'm whisking her away but she'll see you soon.

Emily is going to meet Eddie's Manchester girlfriend.

She's got a name. She's called Holly.

Who? Your Manchester girlfriend?

I'll do motor skills if you do emotional development.

I'd go the other way round if I were you.

Is this another of your public speaking engagements?

No, it's a questionnaire for Joe's new school.

I thought you were in a hurry to get away.

Ask me one before I go.

It's a psychological profile, not a pub quiz.

Erm, "Does your child have difficulty making friends?"

No, not really. He's just choosy.

"Would you say your child is clumsy?"

-Yes.

-Yes for me, too.

"Does your child have problems with manual dexterity?"

That's a yes for Eddie.

Let me see.

There's loads there he might not have done!

So what, he just scores a no?

That's like saying, "Am I good at pole vaulting?"

Well, how would I ever know? Never had to find out.

If I was going to make a guess, though...

Bedwetting?

Usually straight after pole vaulting.

Aren't you going to be late?

Come on.

Skills.

This is more like it.

Catching, running, cycling, swimming, stair climbing.

Get ticks in half these boxes before lunchtime.

It's not a bucket list, Eddie, that's not how it works.

-It's a snapshot.

-Yeah, a snapshot of all the things he can't do.

So, let's change some of this.

Joe, would you like to ride your bike without stabilisers?

Joe, would you like to ride a bike,

properly, without stabilisers, eh?

Would you like to ride a bike?

I'm taking that as a yes.

Don't need a wee, do I?

Do you want to turn back?

Because we can if you think this is a bad idea.

-Do you want to turn back?

-Don't do that.

Eddie's flat's hardly a break for you, is it?

Look, we promised each other that we would be all right

when Joe changed schools

and now we're avoiding each other when we're together

and not talking when we're not.

So we can either carry on like that or we can do something about it.

Do you want to do something about it?

Yes or no?

Let me see now...

Taking the piss isn't an option.

PHONE CHIMES

Is that your mum? She feeling better?

It's not my mum.

Thing is, she's all over the place.

It's not her talking, it's the drugs half the time.

-I know.

-She don't know her own mind so how we're supposed to...

I know.

Well, with all due respect, you don't. I've been through it.

I'm not a child. I understand.

You can't, Ralph!

I don't understand her, so God knows how you do.

Ralph! I'm sorry, that came out wrong.

I didn't...

Ralph!

Are you sure this is the right way to go about it?

You must never surprise a child by presenting them

with their bike suddenly with no stabilisers.

You let him see you remove them, he can process the change.

OK, Joe. Let's make history.

Well, that's well and truly processed.

Joe, let go of my head and pedal.

Let go of my head and pedal.

Let go and...and pedal. Off you go.

Your fault that time - ambiguous phrase use, "Off you go."

There's a bike helmet in the car, Rebecca.

I feel a positive role model is needed.

Talking of "Off You Go"...

I'll give it till lunchtime. This'll do the trick.

You keep pedalling and you keep pedalling

and the bike will take care of you.

You see? Do you want a go?

Eh?

Is this him still processing, or telling us

he doesn't want to ride the bike?

What else is on the list?

Erm...swimming, throwing balls,

hopping...

Hopping? Where's that going to get him in life?

Unless the Beatrix Potter Museum are hiring.

I'll have him doing wheelies by tea time.

What do we do now?

Anything we like.

But what do we do now?

We could go out.

True. True. We could.

I'll give Eddie a call and let him know that we've arrived.

Eddie!

Arrived.

How's things your end?

Er, bike pump?

Should be in the shed.

Great.

Found your porn stash!

Lovely. Home-made stuff's particularly strong.

Yeah. OK!

Bye.

So what was that about?

Eddie's going to try and teach Joe

to ride his bike without stabilisers.

I'd like to see that.

Yeah, me too.

Last time I took his stabilisers off, he sat on the floor

and he barked like a dog until I put them back on again.

Should we warn Eddie of that

or is it more fun for him to find out himself?

Talking about Joe already. How long's that taken us?

Are we banned from talking about Joe?

Five minutes.

If you've set that for sex, I'm going to have to unpack my inhaler.

We're going to sit down here and talk

but not about the kids and not about work, just for five minutes.

-All right?

-OK.

I wonder if he's taken the stabilisers off yet.

It's 15 seconds.

Well, it's nearer 20.

Maybe five minutes was over ambitious.

No come on, it's... It's the timer!

Come on. We can do this.

We're Paul and Alison,

the golden couple.

Nobody's ever called us the golden couple.

We could go out for a coffee first?

Yeah, let's do that.

Earlier on, when I said you couldn't understand

what I couldn't understand, I didn't mean...

It's because you're her son, not because you're, like...

Downs?

Yeah, right.

The thing is about being a mum or dad, you know,

you always think of your kids as kids.

Bloody hell, am I talking to myself or what?

Have you got a hot date or something?

Yeah.

Oh, right! What, today?

Is she coming to the fell race?

Yeah!

So I'll meet her, will I?

Don't worry, son, I won't embarrass you.

No, you won't.

SPOKES RATTLE

Anyone special?

No, I just haven't heard anything from Mum and Dad.

That's good, isn't it?

How about that?

Semaphore Signals.

No, it's not a question.

When somebody says, "How about that?" it's not a real question.

Wreckless Eric. 1977.

Like that! That's it, Joe! Hold on!

Eddie doesn't want to leave.

He's surprisingly determined when he puts his mind to it.

-I don't think the bike is the reason that he's staying.

-Rebecca...

You're heartbroken yourself, so I think you are projecting

your own desire for reconciliation on to us.

This is not about James.

But if he came back and looked at me

like Eddie looks at you then I'd be happy.

Cos you still want James back?

No.

Because I'd know that he wanted me back

and he was suffering.

That's my girl.

Come on, Joe, you can do it.

That's it! A bit faster, a bit faster!

I'm still holding on!

I'm still holding! That's it!

That's it! You're doing it!

You're doing it!

No. No. No! Really no! Really no!

OK. OK, OK, I'm sorry.

I'm... OK, sorry.

Joe! I'm sorry!

I think the problem is

whenever you let go of the seat, he stops his bike.

I think you're right.

You need to keep pretending that you are holding on to the seat

when in fact you are not.

I can see that now. Thank you.

-The basic problem is...

-The basic problem, Ramesh, is this.

This questionnaire.

The measuring, the assessing, the endless, tedious comparing!

What he can't do, especially what he can't do,

measured against who? Against us?

Against normal people? I mean, look at us, are any of us normal?

Eddie!

Is this normal?

It is mathematically impossible to fold paper more than seven times.

Did he sleep through?

I don't think he slept through.

Thanks, Ramesh.

Think it's time I got going anyway.

I promised Joe an ice cream at the fell race.

Have you noticed how her nipples seem to follow you around the room?

No, that must be a boy thing.

So was it Eddie's flat that made you want to come here

or your interest in the history of art?

It's nice, though, isn't it - just doing nothing together?

Yeah. Yeah, it is.

That daughter of ours might have had a point.

But you can't tell me that there isn't an elephant in the room.

You just... You never mentioned the Sophie thing again,

so I thought you didn't want to talk about it.

No, I didn't. At first.

But you felt something

and clearly it was enough to make you tell me.

I loved the gig.

Yeah, you said.

I loved it for Joe in a daft way.

I pictured him being there, you know, in ten years' time.

And it just felt like it was OK for once,

him growing up.

Good.

So...

So when I dropped them off, it felt familiar, it felt easy.

And you thought Sophie might feel familiar and easy too.

It was a moment.

And it was only a moment for me, to be honest.

Sophie didn't encourage me.

She didn't... She didn't react.

She just, she just... She looked surprised.

Yeah, I get that.

I just...

I just want to know what was going on in your head.

Well, when you find out, will you tell me?

Did she look like she needed rescuing? Was that it?

Was that what?

Well, I looked like I needed rescuing when we first got together.

Single mum working in a bakery, living with her parents.

Most men would've run a mile. Not you.

Well, most men hadn't tasted your novelty scones.

I can see that Sophie might look like a woman that needs rescuing,

and I... I can see how that would work for you.

Except she's not you.

I can see that you would get...

..like, confused by me being away

and you being there.

I, I get that.

Except she's not you.

I can't say I'm happy about it but...I get it.

I just need...

I just need to know if you get it.

I do.

I do.

I'm sorry.

Not long now till the sixth annual Hightown Fell Race

gets underway.

Previous winners...

This girlfriend of yours, how serious is it?

It's our first date.

The thing is, you might think having a woman in your life

is the be-all and end-all, but it isn't, you know?

You spend half your time wondering what they're thinking

and the other half wondering what they meant

-when they've told you what they're thinking.

-Right.

One minute they want you in their life,

the next they're telling you to back off. You see,

you never know when you're in the right or in the wrong.

Yeah.

But the main thing is, they know you better than you know yourself,

and the sooner you work that out, the better.

-Hello, Ralph.

-Hello.

Tension rising now as we get near to race time.

I want to hear a big cheer as these men and women get going.

First five minutes - goes on on his own. This cover your losses?

No skin off my nose.

-It's just he likes to...

-Yeah, I know what he likes to do.

I remember him from last year.

Hiya, Ralph. You all right?

Maurice is being strange.

Well, he does get very fired up for this kind of thing.

That's not the reason.

Oh?

This year, we are proud to announce that we are fully kitted-out

with a brand-new defibrillator.

CHEERING

Comes as welcome news to some more than others, eh, Maurice?

I'm only kiddin' you, fella!

On the sound of the klaxon, the race will begin.

Good luck, everyone. Rather you than me!

MUSIC: Boredom by Buzzcocks

Do you come here a lot?

Cos these pigeons seem to know you by name.

I come to lectures at the university

when Joe's at school.

You gatecrash lectures?

Since when?

It started when I dropped in on Eddie,

but then just kind of got hooked.

It's something new,

something I missed out on.

Does that sound mad?

What do you go and listen to?

Psychology, Politics.

Oh, embroidery...

Well, it's a good job they do girlie subjects.

You just go and listen at the back?

Joe's settled at his new school and Rebecca'll go to uni

and you've got the gastro pub,

and we sold my diner so you could expand and I'm completely over that.

Clearly.

Erm, but so, for me, what next?

I have to do something, I can't... I can't not do anything.

Isn't it fair to just ask what I might do now?

Is that fair?

Or does that scare you like everything else seems to scare you these days.

Are you asking this question as a strong independent woman

with something to offer the world,

or are you asking this question as my lovely little obedient wifey?

You should go.

You should. You should go to university, you'd be great.

You should do what you want.

VAN HORN HONKS

-Here in Eddie's kitchen?

-Yes.

Only maybe don't call it Eddie's kitchen again.

It's a bit of a passion killer, you know.

-What?

-No, no, no, it's fine.

-What?!

-Is that my copy?

It's my copy of The Wedding Present, The Complete Peel Sessions.

-It's all right, I can...

-We can take our time, you know?

Yeah! No, I know, I know!

OK, you might want to try and sound just a tiny bit less defensive.

-Sorry. It's just...

-Come on.

-Just feels like we're trying a bit too hard.

-Yeah, let's just...

Come on. Let's just be spontaneous. We can do it.

-Which is actually not that spontaneous.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, OK.

-You've made your point. I'm getting the spontaneous thing.

-All right.

-All right, I'm joking.

-Well, forgive me for feeling

just a tiny bit rejected by the fact

that a little awkwardness is enough to stop us making love.

It's like the timer thing, you know.

If it comes down to it, you're not exactly relaxed.

We have just been talking about you being attracted to someone else.

And you said that you got it.

I got it.

It still hurt like hell.

"I felt more at home with her than I do with you."

For a moment. I said for a moment!

Even for a moment, don't you think that stings just a little bit?

OK.

-I see.

-Do you? Oh, good. OK, well, let's not go to Relate then

because Paul "sees".

So this is the argument we're having, is it?

Not the one where I explained everything

and you said that you got it.

We're having the real row now, are we? Well, Eddie was right.

-I shouldn't have said anything.

-Eddie?

When did you talk to Eddie about it?

I did the right thing, Alison! I told you the truth.

OK, so I have to be OK? What is this...

..emotional plea bargaining?

Yep. You found me out.

And as for your actual feelings,

I'm just going to have to guess, am I?

Well, don't guess too hard, eh, cos you might just get them right

and then we really would be in the shit.

MUSIC: Fiction Romance by Buzzcocks

# A fiction romance I love this love story

# That never seems to happen in my life... #

Have you calmed down now? I was merely expressing my frustration.

We were all aware of your frustrations,

especially the other children.

All right, all right. It's just so, like, reductive.

That's all I meant.

If you put all these ingredients in a cake and baked it,

Joe wouldn't come out, would he?

You know how I feel about metaphor.

Yeah, it's just a big list of his failures.

How would you feel if that was Emily?

And as a man who's suffered failures of his own, you feel that keenly.

I see that.

I was pretty sure I could nail it in a day.

A day you could've been spending with your Manchester girlfriend.

Well, yes.

But you were clearly enjoying yourself too much here.

It was fun. It is fun.

Worth missing out on a night of passion?

I would've been sharing a bedroom with Emily,

just so you know.

It's none of my business, just so you know.

Right.

Who we see. Who we don't see. Who we sleep with.

-Who we don't sleep with.

-I know that.

-I mean...

-I said I know that, all right?

You guys seen Grandad come through yet?

No, I haven't.

That bloke from Kendal he always beats came through ages ago.

Why would I need to know anything

about who you are and aren't sleeping with?

I wasn't offering that information.

But, for the record, I haven't slept with anyone since you left.

Good, but I don't care!

I'm glad we sorted that out!

Come on, Joe, let's see if we can cheer Grandad on.

Side by side! They're crossing the line together!

Very sporting, lads! Very sporting!

Dad?

Dad?

Dad, are you OK?

I just fancied taking in the view.

And in the end, really, you know, what's the point?

What about your big finish?

Are you talking about death?

I was talking about sprinting past the skinny guy from Kendal

in the last 100 metres, but...

Shouldn't you be in Manchester by now?

Had to stay.

You didn't, though, did you?

You wanted to.

Are you sure you're OK?

It's just, you're usually so competitive.

You're sitting out a fell race and I'm hurling push bikes around.

Is this it? You're turning into me and I'm turning into you?

I'm sorry to tell you this, son, but you're the sane one here.

Run, Forrest, run!

My feet don't hurt, do they?

MUSIC: Mersey Paradise by The Stone Roses

And here, last but not least,

local brewer and full-time fell runner Maurice Scott.

Come on, Grandad!

Well done, Maurice!

# If she were there I'd hold her down

# I'll push her under while she drowns

# And couldn't breathe and call for air

# She doesn't care for my despair

# Or is it me?

# Or the one that's wrong

# You see it in the sea

# River Cool's where I belong... #

Didn't think anybody could look worse than me today, Maurice.

The day Sandra died, I went out to the garage and serviced the car.

Sorry?

Brake pads, filters, oil change -

the lot.

Right.

Grief, it takes people in different ways.

Maurice, I'm really tired.

I know, I'm sorry. I won't keep you long.

I came to say you were right, what you said.

I am trying to save Sandra again by helping you

and helping you brings it all back.

And it's hard sometimes not to think I'll do it better this time.

And, er, me helping you is me sticking two fingers up to cancer.

Part of me will always be stuck there, by Sandra's bed.

But you really need to hear this.

I don't want you to come through this for Sandra.

I want you to come through this because you're you.

Nobody else.

I want this for you.

And I want you to be there for me...

..after,

taking the piss...

..making me think things I've never thought before,

rattling me cage.

And I might have blown it right here, now,

and if I have, it'll knock me bow-legged, but...

..at least I've said it.

I'll say this for you, Maurice, you're full of surprises.

Nobody's ever said that to me before.

And now I have to go and throw up.

Right.

MUSIC: Something and Nothing by The Wedding Present

SONG STOPS AND RESTARTS

SONG STOPS AND RESTARTS

Can you stop that? I'm just... I'm trying to concentrate.

-On what?

-It's Sophie's appeal for Mark's school.

Are you doing that cos you want to or to prove a point?

Doing it because it needs doing.

Sorry, that was a shit thing to say.

It's all right.

I'll file it away with all the other shit things you've said.

So how do you think the weekend's going so far

on a scale of bad to disastrous?

PHONE RINGS

Hey, Eddie.

No. No,

you're not interrupting anything.

No.

Oh, I've got a horrible feeling they're in the car.

Joe's lost one of his trainers.

-I think we've got his spares?

-Yeah, they are.

They're in the car, I could smell them on the way here.

We've got one and he's a bit upset, asking for special trainers.

Just wondered what he means

or how I can persuade him that shoes are just as good.

It'll be fine, I'm sure.

All right, thanks for letting me know, Eddie. Just leave it with me.

I'll speak to you in a bit.

All right, bye.

I mean, he won't settle if he doesn't have his trainers.

Not once the idea's in his head. You know what he's like.

Yeah.

Yeah, we should go.

Eddie'll have a nightmare otherwise.

-It's a good job we didn't unpack.

-Yeah, exactly.

Stop the car.

What?

Stop the car.

MUSIC: Getting Nowhere Fast by The Wedding Present

I thought we were... I thought we were in a rush to get home!

We are. We are. Just... Deadlines just do it for me.

I was the same at school.

All right.

Now you're starting to worry me.

Oof!

Well, as the old proverb goes,

"The couple that shag in the car

"make light work of the relationship shit."

Not sure we're quite there yet, are we?

Ralph!

Ralph! Hang on a bit.

Can I have a word?

Oh, here, take that. Payment for today,

in case the pair of you want to go for a drink or anything.

You don't want to come, do you?

Ha! No, no, you're all right.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

Nice to meet you, love. Come here.

If it does get serious

and you need another bloke to talk to, I can be that bloke.

Right.

-You know, condoms and all that.

-Right.

Cos if you're too embarrassed to buy 'em, I can do it.

-It's all right.

-No, the thing is with condoms

is, like, you have to practise beforehand.

It's like when you put a glove on

and you can't get your fingers to the end?

There's more to life than sex, Maurice.

Eddie? Big tick for hopping!

Hey!

Hello, matey.

Hello, love.

Did you go to school?

No, we were in Manchester, but we weren't at school.

Look what I found in the car.

You're back already. What happened?

Eddie? What you still doing here?

Got dragged into family life, you know how it is.

More to the point, why are you here?

All right. I'll try and salvage some of my weekend then.

Thanks, Eddie, for lending us your flat!

I'll see you Monday night.

Now then, young man, what have you been up to?

What did you do today? Did you have a nice time?

Neat, Neat, Neat.

The Damned. 1977.

Emily did a poo. "Good Lord, Nicola, I need oxygen."

Is that what Uncle Eddie said? What else happened?

Hmm?

So have you had a row then or what?

We just couldn't settle at Eddie's.

Loose women calling round day and night. Drug dealers.

Stop it. Eddie's been great this weekend.

Teaching Joe to ride a bike, I hear? How did it go?

See, you just keep... You keep pedalling, keep pedalling,

and the bike will take care of you.

-He looks like a bear on a unicycle.

-Stop it.

Please tell me that Eddie doesn't succeed.

You'd rather Joe couldn't ride a bike than admit another man

could teach him?

Joe, can you ride a bike yet?

I can ride a bike.

Well, nearly, nearly.

I'm going to get you out on that bike

and you'll be riding like Bradley Wiggins.

Come and have a look, Mum.

Oh, I'll look later, love.

Come on, you ready, you ready?

Ooh. Presents. Presents! Yes!

OK. Joseph. Look!

I like dinosaurs, don't I?

Ooh, I got them in a bit of a hurry

-but it's the thought that counts, doesn't it?

-Really?

I don't like big, big chocolate, do I?

Right I've just got to run this stuff over to Sophie's.

Thanks for holding the fort, love, and for looking after Joe.

For all of eight hours.

Come on.

See, you just keep pedalling, and you keep pedalling,

and the bike will take care of you.

I've done that.

# Working, keep on working, keep on working, keep on working. #

No point taking her now. Half the weekend's gone.

Stay for your tea at least.

Fish fingers and mayonnaise.

If I go now, I'll get back for the evening.

Go on. I could practise my new presentation.

I've done it for Emily but her feedback's a bit limited.

Doggy. Raggy.

You can't really say "Doggy" and "Raggy" and still sound angry.

It's incongruous.

I'm sorry about earlier. I don't know why...

I didn't mean to upset you.

It's just that...I spent a long time getting over you.

Getting to this...where we can be mates. And Emily's parents.

Yeah. Me too.

I just don't want confusing

by caring about who you're sleeping with.

And I know I shouldn't care, but I do.

-Even though you're sleeping with other women?

-I'm not.

-Oh.

-Not for lack of opportunity.

No, no, of course not.

Oh, dear me, no.

The, er, Robotics Study Group

is known as "Stud Central" in the Union bar.

I suppose I should be flattered.

You're kind of missing the point.

As a sensitive lad growing up under Maurice's roof,

your sexual confidence might not necessarily be sky-high.

Really? You always seemed confident with me.

And... Did I? Did I, really?

-Yeah.

-Oh, good. Might just leave that there then.

Go out on a high point.

Look, the reason I haven't slept with anyone since you

is partly exhaustion but, mainly,...

..because I haven't met anyone I liked as much as you,

so what would be the point?

Practice?

I don't think I'll forget what goes where.

Like riding a bike.

Oh, that hurts.

It was nice today.

You make it easier and Emily loves it.

Is that why you kept tricking me into staying longer?

I didn't ask you to stay.

You just couldn't leave that questionnaire behind.

Hmm. That bloody thing. What does it prove?

I mean, look at you.

GP, young child, beautiful home, on good terms with her ex.

-On paper, you've got it all.

-And?

And you'd be the first to admit you're as insecure

and screwed up as everybody else.

I suspect your defensiveness about this process

masks an underlying insecurity.

Is that to go along with my very obvious surface insecurity?

I thought we'd established you were actually confident.

Oh, bloody hell. Holly! This is a shock...surprise.

A nice surprise.

I thought I'd find you here.

This young lady came to my house, er, looking for you.

I prayed for it to happen in your teenage years

but, er, better late than never.

Hi, I'm Holly,

Eddie's girlfriend from Manchester.

Eddie's Manchester girlfriend.

I'm Nicola.

Well, this is all very modern, hey?

Very, er, modern.

Next time you drive up, take the Kendal turning off the M6

then the A590.

It's quicker at the weekend.

Thank you. I'll remember that.

She all right?

Snoring like Grandad.

Farting like Grandad.

So, Eddie tells me you're in medicine too.

I'm an anaesthetist.

That's how we met.

I came round from a minor operation and found myself in a bar with her.

He's always had a weakness for medical types.

Fell over a lot as a child.

Eddie made that joke on our first date.

Did he? Ah, well, now you know where he heard it first.

-And our third.

-Did I?

Sorry, I didn't know you had visitors.

She doesn't. I think it's about time we got going anyway.

Oh, sorry. Rebecca, this is Holly.

Oh, right, Eddie's Manchester girlfriend.

I prefer Holly.

Course, sorry.

Well, thanks for helping out with Joe all day.

And thanks for not minding.

I did mind actually.

But I understood.

Exactly.

Bye-bye.

He didn't want to go.

I think he couldn't get out of the door quick enough.

Only cos it was awkward.

Am I really like her? I thought she was quite annoying.

She's not as pretty as you.

Rebecca, we're grown women, we don't do the comparison thing.

It's demeaning.

No, of course, but I know my stuff.

And, I tell you, you and Eddie should be a family

and I can make it happen.

That's very kind,

but in three months' time you'll be at Bristol Uni

-having an emotional crisis of your own.

-No, I won't.

I've binned the offer.

I'm not going to university.

I'm not going anywhere.

DOOR KNOCK

-Hiya.

-I know, it's not my idea of a great Saturday night either

but are you free just to go through some of this stuff?

Yeah. Yeah, course I am. Come in.

If Mark's to get the college to take him, it's all in the wording.

If he needs one-to-one maths support eight hours a week,

quiet space, dancing girls,

then we write that in and let them fight it.

We do not let the Council suggest stuff

because they will suggest the bare minimum

and then say they can't even give you that.

What, why are you looking so worried?

Because if you don't stop soon and take a breath

-you're going to explode and make a mess of the carpet.

-Sorry.

Sorry. I'm just really fired up about this stuff right now.

I know. And thanks.

Also, you need to get Mark to write about what he wants,

in his own words.

Cos it's harder to say no to him

than some angry mother waving bits of paper around.

DRUMMING

Is that Mark?

I really, really hope so.

I'll tell him to ease up on the kick pedal.

Oh, no, no, no! You don't have to...

Mark!

DRUMMING CONTINUES

Mark!

DOOR KNOCK

Mark!

DRUMMING STOPS

INDISTINCT CONVERSATION

Success.

DRUMMING RESTARTS LOUDER

SHE CHUCKLES

This is the only double bed in the house

so I'm thinking you'll be more comfortable in here.

We won't be needing a double bed, Dad.

Oh, right.

What I mean is we can't let you give up your bed for us.

Suit yourself

but, just so you know, I'm having your bed, so it's going to be snug.

Well, as Freudian nightmares go, this is right up there.

Mum and Dad came back from Manchester early,

so it can't be good, can it?

No. Well...

..it is quite hard to keep a marriage on track

when you're living in separate cities.

Right! So what if everything falls apart when I'm not here?

We all like to think we're indispensable to our families

but the truth is, none of us are.

-It's different for me, though, isn't it? There's Joe for a start.

-Joe will be fine.

Not everyone gets him. James didn't.

Becca, you're 19 years old.

None of this is your responsibility.

You don't get it, it is.

You're bound to have attachment anxieties

given your family situation.

What? No. I'm not a case study, Nicola.

We're all case studies in the end.

-That's what Eddie was so angry about.

-Oh,

I thought Eddie was angry cos he couldn't teach Joe to ride his bike.

We want the world to see us as we see ourselves.

And we delude ourselves every day in order to survive.

Who are we talking about now? Me or you?

See? You're smart.

Just go to university.

Why don't I leave my car here and we'll travel back in yours?

Well, you need your car and I need mine.

Less romantic though.

I think "romantic" finally gave up in your dad's bedroom.

I'm really sorry about today

but you do understand, don't you?

You have a baby here, and an ex-wife,

I knew that when we met.

And family, and an autistic nephew.

I understand all of that.

It's just, you know, you'd set up a really nice day and everything.

Yes, I was aware of that.

I'm sorry. You sounded OK about it on the phone.

I was. I am.

But...

..it feels as though you want me to prove I care

with some kind of demonstrative outburst.

No!

I'm sorry.

Though a slight outburst might be nice.

I do care, if that's what you're worried about.

I care enough about you not to want to disrupt your family life

and I understand your insecurity because of your past

but I drove all the way up here to find you,

so, perhaps that gives you a clue as to how I feel.

Now all you have to do is ask yourself how you feel.

You still pick up, then.

-Yes, I still pick up.

-I'm trying to not, you know, crowd you.

-Not, you know, be all over it.

-You did all right.

-Good. And I'm mustard with a mop and bucket.

-So I saw.

So if you need anything, or that, just say

but I'm going to wait for you to call me.

Do you want me to call you out of the window or phone?

How do you mean?

You're outside the house, aren't you?

No.

When did you first realise you weren't cut out for MI5?

-Did they manage to fill in the whole thing?

-Nearly. Amazing.

Though they've left bike-riding empty for now.

If I asked you to promise me that you wouldn't lose sight of me again,

do you think you could do that?

Well, I'll need a bigger telescope for when you're in Manchester.

Could you?

-Promise me?

-Yeah, I promise.

And I won't lose sight of you.

At least we're not Eddie and Nicola.

Yet.

What's that supposed to mean?

It's not supposed to mean anything.

It supposed to be a joke.

Right.

Why do you always have to pick away at everything like that?

I just wish...

You just wish what?

I just wish we could leave things alone for a bit.

Just let things be.

OK, fine, that's what we'll do.

That's what we'll do.

# There's a kind of hush

# All over the world tonight

# All over the world

# You can hear the sounds of lovers in love

# You know what I mean

# Just the two of us

# And nobody else in sight

# There's nobody else

# And I'm feeling good just holding you tight

# So listen very carefully

# Closer now and you will see what I mean

# It isn't a dream

# The only sound that you will hear... #

RAPID FLUTTERING CLICKS

What is that?

I don't know.

Oh, shit!

Oh, I do. I do!

I do, actually!

Hey, he's doing it! He's bloody riding it!

Alison!

Joe's riding his bike without stabilisers!

Did you teach him how to brake?

MUSIC: Sound Of The Crowd by The Human League

Hey, come on! Come on, Joe!

I've done that now.

# Get around town, get around town

# Where the people look good Where the music is loud

# Get around town No need to stand proud

# Add your voice to the sound of the crowd

# Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Wooaah!

I'm not having Nicola use Joe

to get her foothold in the autism industry.

If there's anything that upsets you...

All of it, Nicola. How about all of it?

Nicola's just trying to help.

She's turned our little boy into a freak show.

I would never let anybody do that.

-We make a good team, you and me, don't we?

-Yeah, for now.

What do you mean for now?

It's taken me two years to get where you were with Joe.

You were the accepting one.

I finally get to where I think you are and you've moved.

Louise. She's ended it.

She does know she's ended it, doesn't she?

Mum and Dad need me to stay.

If something's wrong with them, something will be wrong with Joe.

-He can't sort them out, can he?

-And you can?