Episode 5 The A Word

We said he would go mainstream, local.

And how's that working out?

We're doing all this to get your Mark back into mainstream.

Because that's what Mark wants.

I want you to come through this because you're you.

And I want you to be there for me.

We've always needed other people. You saw that before I did.

I know. I just... I feel like I'm losing my boy.

She's worried about you. Should she be?

Just for a moment, I felt more at home with Sophie than I do with you.

I did the right thing, Alison. I told you the truth!

And as for your feelings, I'm going to have to have to guess, am I?

Why do you always have to pick away at everything like that?

I just wish...

-You just wish what?

-We could leave things alone for a bit.

That's what we'll do.

This programme contains some strong language

MUSIC PLAYS

# Gonna break out of the city

# Leave the people here behind

# Searching for adventure

# It's the type of life to find

# Tired of doing day jobs

# With no thanks for what I do

# I'm sure I must be someone

# Now I'm going to find out who

# Why don't you ask them

# What they expect from you?

# Why don't you tell them

# What you are gonna do?

# You get so lonely

# Maybe it's better that way

# It ain't you only

# You got something to say

# Do anything you wanna do

# Do anything you wanna do

# Don't need no politicians

# To tell me things I shouldn't be

# Neither no opticians

# Tell me what I oughta see

# No-one tells you nothin'

# Even when you know they know

# But they tell you why you should do

# They don't like to see you grow. #

All right. What have I missed?

Just the ads and trailers?

Dad, shush, shush.

-"Haweli Curry House. Just two minutes from this cinema."

-Ah!

Can you start it again, Nicola?

You want to get a dog or take up running.

-What?

-Walking on your own.

Nobody does that, unless they're up to no good.

What?!

DOOR OPENS

I thought he was round here watching Postman Pat with Emily.

I had no idea you had him skivvying.

He just likes doing it. It's quite a contained behaviour.

I think it has to do with order and predictability.

When did you film this?

Oh, just one of the times he was round here.

Well, he's a grafter, I'll give him that.

Joe? Joe, look!

Look at the pictures,

look, all these people are putting different pictures on.

Do you like playing with Emily?

I like playing with Emily.

What are your favourite games?

Don't Dictate.

What are your favourite games that you like to play with Emily?

Don't Dictate.

I'm sorry, Joe. I don't know.

Penetration. 1978.

# Don't dictate, don't dictate

# Don't dictate, dictate to me. #

Emily is good.

CHILDREN'S TV PROGRAMME PLAYS

It's no Lethal Weapon, but it does the trick.

What's, er... What's it for, again?

I'm presenting to a small group of doctors, health visitors

and practice nurses.

I want to give them some idea of the spectrum

in Joe-type autism.

"Joe-type autism"! He's a syndrome now, is he?

Most people think of autism as one of two extremes,

either a non-speaking child in distress or Rain Man.

And Joe's a great example of...

Yeah, great example(!)

..of autism that can get missed, because Joe's autism is hidden.

Well, there's nothing much hidden on what we've just watched.

I think you and me would've been helped if our GP had seen something like this, don't you?

-I've written down what I was going to say, as well, but I wanted you both to read it first.

-Thanks.

The bits of Joe, they're going to... they're going to stay the same, will they?

That's the stuff you're going to use?

Well, most of it, yes. That was the plan.

-It captures the lad. There's no doubt about that.

-Yeah, yeah, it captures him all right.

-You don't think it does?

-It does what you need it to do, Nicola.

That is clearly what is important.

I'd better get off, actually. Louise has got her...

Well, it's a bathroom sink...

It nails him to his autism. You do see that, don't you?

It just shows Joe as he is.

What, as you see him,

or as you want him to be seen by your colleagues?

Yes, to help them understand more about all patients with autism.

You knew I was doing this presentation!

No, no, no. No, no.

Not like this, I didn't!

Probably a U bend, actually. Hair and soap, I should think.

If there's anything you want me to take out, anything that upsets you...

All of it, Nicola! How about all of it?

Paul!

I'm going to be late picking him up.

Hang on a second!

Hey, hey, Nicola's just trying to help.

I think her presentation will help.

I don't get why you're being like this.

She's turned our little boy into a freak show.

No, she hasn't! I would never let anybody do that.

Look, we can talk more about it tonight, yeah?

I'll have to pack all of his stuff up at Eddie's.

I'll probably stay over.

Oh, right. OK.

Dad, I passed! My driving test!

-I passed!

-Good for you, love. Good for you.

What's up with Dad?

Well done.

ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO

So do you think it's all right?

About Joe?

The footage?

Yeah, it's good. Yeah.

So, do you think it's all right for Nicola to show it?

Dad was a bit upset by it.

Yeah, but if, you know, if it helps...

Yeah. You're right. I'll sort it with Paul.

Let's just concentrate on you, instead.

My brilliant girl. Passed first time. Just like your mum!

Don't think this means we're buying you a car, though.

Not till after uni, anyway.

I wasn't thinking that, no.

Well, you'll have enough expense with accommodation and fees and...

Mum, I'm not going to university.

What?

I changed my mind. It's a waste of money and I can do drama here.

I'm already helping out with the end of term show.

I could get a job, earn some money.

I'm not going to university.

Well, Nicola's been trouble since day one,

always picking away at stuff, but that's doctors for you, I suppose.

Your waste pipe was clogged solid. If someone had

shown me a film of Eddie at that age, I'd have put him in a sack

and drowned him in the canal.

Get in, you bastard!

I've put, er, a new washer on it just to be on the safe side.

You get that baby double threaded and you'll never get it off.

I've had an idea...

What I'm thinking is, now you've broke the back of your treatment...

Well, what I'm thinking is...

..this.

What do you think?

Be sure to send me a postcard.

Once you're done with all this malarkey. Take your pick.

Luxury villa.

Hotel with award-winning breakfast bar.

I-I mean Ralph as well.

Or even the four of us if you want to bring your girlfriend,

hey, Ralph?

There are water parks nearby! Who can resist a water park?

No planning ahead, Maurice, no jinxing it.

Right.

Louise? Do you want to come through?

Bloody hell, she's hard to please sometimes, your mum, isn't she?

-Yeah.

-Good job you and me are here to cheer her up.

We make a good team, you and me, don't we?

Yeah. For now.

Yeah. For now. What do you mean, for now?

You won't be here when she's better.

Why? Do you know something I don't?

Mum won't be ill. She won't need you any more.

Has she said something? Your mum?

Is that what she's said?

I'll put yours there, shall I?

Thanks.

Bit close to the edge, that one.

Are you all right?

Me? Yeah, fine, fine, yeah.

Well, can you just stop jiggling around, then?

All right, superstar!

You made it.

End of term.

But not the end of me.

Oh, I hope not.

Oops.

Right, shall we...? Come on, then.

That's it.

Well, it won't exactly be my recreational drug of choice.

The new chemo drug, you know?

At least it doesn't give me that prickling feeling like FEC.

Just you I'm allergic to, now.

Bye, Maurice.

Not coming in?

No. I've, er, got to get back to the Brewery.

There's stuff going on there.

And, er, you'll want to get your feet up, won't you?

Yeah, yeah.

I'll give you a call tonight, let you know how I'm getting on.

All right, Uncle Eddie!

Hiya, Joe.

Half an hour till tea-time, Joe.

You don't mind if we stay over tonight, do you?

It'll take for ever to pack up his stuff.

Cheers, mate!

I, uh, hear you're not happy about Nicola's film.

Ah, she called you, did she?

Did you know she was filming Joe when he went round?

You know what Nicola's like when she puts her mind to something.

She filmed me on a kid's bike.

Her intentions are good, you know.

If you're going to talk shite, Eddie, make yourself useful.

If Nicola can help people get a bit more understanding,

then doesn't that help everybody, including Joe?

Well, that's easy for you to say. Emily looks great in it.

So that's what this is all about? The comparison?

Cos that's just in your head, mate.

It's not something me or Nicola would ever do!

Wouldn't you?

I do.

And Alison does, all the time.

I don't have a kid like Joe, but I've still got a kid,

and I know it's different for you, but every parent wonders

if their child's going to turn out all right.

Every parent sees something in their child that they worry about.

You've not got a monopoly on sleepless nights.

Can we change the subject?

I'm hoping that Holly and I might have sex for the first time tonight.

What? You did ask me to change the subject.

You didn't have to change it that much.

I am not going to let you

throw away the chance of a lifetime.

It doesn't feel like the chance of a lifetime to me!

It feels like something I was going to do because everybody else was doing it.

You, lady, are going to university.

You're too smart not to go to university.

Too smart not to get into 50 grand worth of debt, more like.

We can help with the money. It's still worth it.

I don't want to go. And I didn't tell you because I knew you'd be like this.

Look, I missed out on university because I had you,

and I will always regret it.

-Thanks.

-No, I didn't mean it like that.

I mean, look, all the reading. And the time for yourself.

Just to grow up a bit, figure out who you are.

And the choices it gives you. And the people you'll meet.

Mum, please, go to university.

You are clearly so in love with the idea.

I am in love with the idea for you.

Do you even have a plan for what you'll do instead?

I'll work here. Full-time.

And end up like me and Sophie? No, I don't think so.

Rebecca, I know you, this is not what you want!

How are you getting on?

Good, yeah.

It says, "All About Me."

All about me.

Cos that's what they want to know. All about you.

What you'd like. For yourself.

So just write that.

-Fine, I take it back. You're not smart enough to go to uni.

-Fine. So give me a job.

No! Seriously. I won't. I won't help you waste your life.

I'm going to Tom's.

Your shift hasn't even started!

SHE SIGHS

What did I do wrong?

You took her seriously.

I have to. It is serious.

She was engaged five minutes ago. Is she engaged now?

Oh!

Sorry.

Nicola just sent me a little film of Emily before bed.

It's fine. You don't have to apologise for being a doting father.

No, I know. It's just...

You know.

There, it's off.

You didn't have to choose curry, you know.

You could've just said you didn't want sex tonight.

Sorry?

Curry. It's not...you know.

It's very bloating.

I see.

So you're implying I chose curry to give me

an excuse not to make love for the first time in our relationship?

Yeah. It was a joke. Not a very good one.

Because you think it's me that doesn't want to make love?

So...

I suppose.

I find this stuff very difficult to say.

It took me four years to leave the Scouts and I hated it

since the first game of British Bulldog.

Is that what you're finding hard to say, that you hated Scouts?

I've wanted to sleep with you for months.

And you always seem to be able to find a reason why you can't.

So now I'm thinking it's maybe that you don't want to, at least not...

not with me.

And that's fine.

Disappointing, but fine.

I don't want to sleep with you?

Really?

That's a very interesting analysis.

-Well, it's not as if the opportunity hasn't arisen, is it?

-No, it isn't.

But you've managed to come up with an excuse not to have sex with me at every turn.

-Me?

-You wanted to take things slow.

Well, that's right. I didn't want to pressurise you.

Then you thought I wanted to take things slow. You were tired, you thought I looked tired,

you had a lecture to finish, to deliver, to recover from,

you had to go back to the Lakes, you had to work in the morning.

-I think you're being a bit one-sided.

-You had a cold and you didn't want me to catch it.

There was even that time I pretended I accidentally locked us in my flat

and you started looking up emergency locksmiths on your phone.

Yep, yep. I get the picture.

Excuse me, mate. Can we get the bill, please?

You had Joe staying and felt bad about leaving him

and Alison on their own.

-Thank you, sir.

-No. Erm, I'll need to take a nought off that.

-I was distracted.

-..a weekend away because there were roadworks on the M62.

You hadn't changed your sheets and your tumble drier was on the blink.

And my all-time favourite - your neighbour had his brother

staying and you could hear them on the Xbox and it put you off.

So, now we've cleared the air, shall we go back to yours?

-We're not in a relationship any more. It wouldn't be appropriate.

-Not in a relationship? Since when?

-Think of it as a mercy killing, Eddie.

-No...

I didn't realise how nervous I was about committing to something new.

I appreciate you feel obliged to go through the ritual of begging me

not to do this, but I'd rather you didn't.

You aren't here half the time, Eddie,

and the truth is, when you are here, you aren't really here, either.

Well, I'd say no hard feelings but you might just accuse me

of coming up with another excuse.

Hiya, Nicola?

I was just wondering if Emily's still up?

I wanted to say goodnight to her. Is that OK?

Not disturbed you, have I?

No. Not much.

Just been for a walk, yeah.

Rebecca? Rebecca?

'Hey, it's Alison, leave a message.'

It's me. I've been thinking.

I don't want Nicola showing that film of Joe. Just don't.

All right?

I just don't.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Robots can already imitate emotional states.

At what stage will we say they are expressing their own emotions?

In fact, I know plenty of people who could learn a thing

or two about expressing emotions from robots.

Maybe those people are robots, too.

Who knows?

As you set off on your summer break, you may want to bear in mind

that some robots are warmer than some people.

But you're all young and may not know that yet.

But one day you will.

One day you will.

-Side effects?

-Yeah.

-From chemotherapy?

-Yeah.

But you're not having chemotherapy, are you?

No. But I was just wondering.

Can it sometimes... Can someone's judgment get out of whack?

Is that a side effect?

Probably not expressed like that, but it can be, for sure.

So if someone...

"Someone?" Someone close, perhaps?

If you like. I don't know. Being hypothetical.

Of course you are.

If someone said something like, hurtful, you know, depressing -

could that be, like, not them, just the chemo drugs talking?

Maurice, if you want me to prescribe you an anti-depressant, I will.

You don't have to talk or open up about it. Just ask.

If you want something more holistic, I hear there's

a herbalist in Kendal with a sideline in hash brownies.

Joe?

Where's Rebecca?

She stayed at Tom's. She's keeping out of my way.

-Why?

-She said she didn't want to go to university any more.

-What?

-And then she said she wanted a full-time job at the Fellside

and I said that was out of the question and she stormed out.

Well...why didn't you just go along with it?

Yeah, that's what Sophie said.

Maybe she had a point. Maybe you over-reacted.

That's good, coming from Mr Storm Out.

Hey! Except I stormed out for good reason.

All right. Look, I did overreact with Rebecca. I handled it clumsily.

But we've all been guilty of that.

Can't we just talk about it?

Look, I'm not having Nicola use Joe to get a foothold in the autism industry.

She's giving a presentation to half a dozen staff at the health centre.

Nicola's done something to help because she likes Joe.

And because she knows how we struggled trying to get Joe's autism recognised.

There's nothing on it that he doesn't do.

And he comes across as a happy kid that makes his own choices.

Even if those choices are unusual.

So you're just going to go ahead and let her show it, then, are you?

No, I'm not. I thought about what you said, and I am going to go with Nicola,

and I will answer any questions about him and I will

stamp on any misconceptions - you know what I'm like.

Does that help reassure you?

It sounds to me like you care more about helping Nicola

than how Joe looks to a room full of strangers.

I care about how well-informed

strangers are when they meet Joe and kids like him.

If you don't want Nicola to show the film, well, then, she won't,

but you'll have to tell her why, because I don't understand.

And I am trying to understand, Paul.

Do what you want.

Do what you want.

Hey!

Fine. Then I am going to go and get ready to help Nicola get a foothold in the autism industry.

At least you've got some fruit, I suppose.

The chocolate's for Eddie.

Right. Well, I'm not here to judge.

Do we need bleach, by the way?

I don't know. Do you?

How are you feeling?

Not bad. Not bad, this time.

Good.

Not going to give me a theory?

About what?

Dosage, the treatment, my recovery.

I'm a bit pushed, to be honest.

Right.

I rang last night.

Did you? I must have missed you.

I-I-I went to bed early.

I was a bit under the weather.

Oh, right, well, I'm sorry to hear that.

OK. Bye, now. It's, er, good to see you up and about.

You, too.

How do you mean?

You were under the weather. Last night.

When you went to bed early.

Might have overdone the popcorn a bit!

Hey, have you started without me?

Hey? What's happened so far?

Right.

That's it.

Go on.

SHEEP BLEAT

# No-one tells you nothing

# Even when you know they know

# But they tell you what you should do... #

As you can see, the child with autism may from moment to moment

present a social face to the world appropriate to his age

and development, and then when he feels

the social demands are getting too great,

might retreat to self-stimulating behaviours.

This serves two purposes -

comfort and distance.

Joe, look, look at the pictures.

Look, all these people are putting different pictures on.

These aren't so much choices as ingrained patterns.

Self-defence mechanisms.

Here you are.

So, here we see that despite parental intervention

and attendance at a specialist school,

a child on the spectrum will occasionally revert to tried

and trusted behaviours from their early childhood.

Come on, stop rocking.

Stop rocking for me, Joe, please. Come on, have some popcorn.

Joe? Listen.

It's all right, just stop rocking. Joe?

Joe?

Just stop... Joe! Just stop, stop rocking.

No, no, no... Joe...

Eh, come here! Listen!

Give us that!

Eh, come on! Joe! Come back!

Eh, listen, I'm sorry, Joe.

Joe?

That seemed to go all right, didn't it?

Yeah, seemed to.

I think Paul would have felt better about it

if he'd seen how everyone responded.

Probably, yeah. By eating sandwiches and drinking coffee.

Oh, sorry. It's their lunch break.

They've got to eat. I know, I get it.

And it's their job, so...

Are you OK?

Yeah. Yeah.

# Don't dictate, don't dictate

# Don't dictate, dictate to me. #

Was harder than I thought.

Right.

Just to sit there and watch Joe like that.

Well, it was watching other people watching him, you know?

It's not that they weren't interested in him,

but...it was his behaviours they were looking at, it wasn't Joe.

Does that make sense?

Yeah. Yeah, it does.

Yeah.

I mean, I still think we were right to show it.

I just didn't think it'd be that tough.

Right, so you admit that you're wrong,

but you're glad you showed it.

Classic.

I'm saying that...

I'm saying that watching it at the health centre made me get it.

I get how you feel.

No, you don't, you don't, you don't get how I feel.

I know we're supposed to embrace Joe's autism and promote it

and-and-and claim that it's just... it's a different way of being human.

It is a different way of being human.

And he's wonderful.

He is. And he's settled into his school.

And he-he draws, and he paints and he writes stuff, and...

and people like him.

But does that mean that I have to pretend that his autism isn't a burden?

Something that he is going to have to carry through his life?

Does that mean that I wouldn't wish it away if I could?

His autism isn't an optional extra, Paul. It's part of Joe.

It's part of who he is.

Yeah, and I hate it, Alison!

That's what Nicola's film reminded me of.

I love Joe, I do, but I hate his autism.

I hate it.

So you hate part of Joe.

The part that makes his life harder.

But it's the part that makes him who he is.

It's Joe.

Your son!

HOOTING

Wow. That's quite a statement.

Yeah. Two fingers would've been cheaper.

-It's great, isn't it?

-I take it this has got something to do with Stuart?

Yeah, I'm going to work for him!

He says that I can keep it or I can do it up and sell it.

And if I do a good job he's going to put another one my way.

You're going to work for Stuart?

HOOTING

Ah, this just gets better.

Paul.

Come on, Dad, stop being so negative!

It's everything I've ever dreamed of!

What you got there, Becky, is an entry level vehicle.

It's got a couple of dents, few miles on the clock, but,

then again, haven't we all?

I had a blue Type 2 Danbury on the lot last week.

Literally beating them off with a shitty stick.

-Literally?

-Yeah.

It's like a car and a house and a job all rolled into one.

I could go anywhere. I could sleep in it. Cook in it.

Comes with a chef, does it?

Ha-ha. I could take mates to festivals.

Lose your life going too fast on the way home.

Is it insured?

Fully comp.

Does that mean yes? I think that's yes!

I mean, it cost an arm and a leg to insure it at her age, but, er,

can't cut corners, eh, Paul, when it comes to family?

No.

Especially if you've put them in a death trap in the first place.

It is mad, Rebecca. You do understand that, don't you?

What your dad's saying is that if it's what you want for now,

go for it.

If you can't go mad at your age, when can you?

I don't know why I bother.

Come on, Joe, let's go! You steer, I'll do the pedals!

Joking!

She just needed something to do, Paul.

She looked a bit lost, to be honest.

Thanks for your parenting tips, Stuart.

Well, I've had some experience.

You have! Yeah, how many is it now?

Five. Six?

-Paul.

-No. No. It's fair enough. I've always had high testosterone.

It's like a condition. You know there's actually a word for it?

There is indeed.

Look, I just thought she might need a bit of a project to keep her

occupied while she works out what she wants to do.

She's going to university!

Yeah, I know.

What, you don't really think she's going to stick at this, do you?

Working for me? What, kid her age, with her brains?

No chance.

You-You don't know that.

Yeah, I do.

Look, I may not have certificates, but I'm a great judge of people.

I mean, I-I chose Alison, didn't I?

If she doesn't go to university, is it really the end of the world?

I mean, look at us three. We turned out all right.

You fell out with her. That's why she's out there now in a death trap.

You sort it out. I'm off to work.

What? Right now? Hang on. Hang on.

-Look, Stuart, it's lovely to see you and everything, but...

-Yeah, you, too.

MUSIC PLAYS

You go up to go right.

You all right? You and Paul seem a bit...

It's not great, no.

What did I used to do to cheer you up?

I don't think that's an option.

The last time you cheered me up we ended up with Rebecca.

Oh, yeah!

Thanks for sticking up for her.

Sometimes it takes someone from outside the family to point out the obvious, you know?

Yeah, I do. It's never been you before today!

Look, Rebecca's bound to go to university.

You're her mum, and you should've gone.

Thanks.

And I'm sorry that, you know,

I put the kibosh on all that by getting you up the stick.

I could still go to university now.

You could, yeah.

Not right away.

But I've-I've volunteered to help out at a primary school

in Manchester next term.

So, see how that goes, and then maybe do a course,

teacher training or something.

Volunteering? I don't get it.

Yeah, no, I didn't think you would.

If you're that keen on kids why don't you just have a couple more of your own?

You're still just about young enough.

Oh, thanks, thanks.

No, I know you subscribe to the old "let's have another baby and hope for the best" model

but I'm not sure that's really for me.

Is that why Paul's got a cob on, because you're making career plans?

No, he doesn't know. You're the only person I've told.

Oh. Right.

Right.

Piss off.

Ah, if you're going to give me a blow-by-blow account of last night's

Sex Olympics, I'm not in the mood.

Just as well. I got disqualified after three false starts.

You know Nicola showed that fucking film at the health centre?

The film? What film? Oh, Joe's film. Thanks for reminding me.

I'd forgotten you didn't like it.

Do you ever think maybe you're just going mad

and that you've got about...EVERYTHING wrong?

I've got a bunch of students from this morning who definitely think so.

Oh, and then Rebecca rocks up in a campervan.

Like I'm supposed to just nod along with it.

Like I don't get a say.

There's a day in every man's life

-when he realises he's not his family's Michael Corleone.

-Eh?

Then there's a worse day you realise you're Fredo.

The chocolate frog?

See, my problem is I think of the right thing to say

about a day after the conversation's happened.

By the time you get home tonight you should have a zinger of a speech ready.

For a film you hate, you aren't half watching the life out of it.

It's not Joe. It's Rebecca.

Oh, look at her.

Just look at her!

Do you know how many hours we've got of this girl of ours?

I hate to think.

Do you know how many hours we've got of Joe?

It's different with a second child.

You never take as many photos, you never do.

We just stopped filming him, didn't we?

Just... After the diagnosis, we just stopped filming him,

and I think we both know why that was.

Do we?

Because we hated his autism?

Except you didn't.

I was the one that had a problem with it.

It's taken me two years to get to where you were with Joe, Paul.

Two years not to see it as a problem that I had to take on and solve.

You were the accepting one.

When I finally get to where I think you are, you've moved.

# The calendar on your wall was ticking the days off

# You've been reading some old letters

# You smile and think how much you've changed

# All the money in the world couldn't buy back those days

# You pull back the curtain

# And the sun burns into your eyes

# You watch a plane flying

# Across a clear blue sky

# This is the day your life will surely change

# This is the day when things fall into place

# You could have done anything... #

-Thought you didn't like him being filmed.

-This is different.

Does Mum know you've come round to her point of view?

I haven't.

For what it's worth, I think you might be half right.

Half right? Really?

I don't know how much he'll like it when he's 18, you know?

Exactly.

The problem is that I think Mum might be half right, too.

But then, what do I know?

OK.

GP's letter. Teacher's report. Old plan. Speech therapy report.

We just need to finish that and then we're good to go.

I'm sorry I didn't get it all done.

Are you OK?

So, as long as we get the council to agree to the changes

in the EHC plan, Mark will go to the college he wants.

That sound good to you, Mark?

Thanks, Alison. I just lost the will to live.

Come on, how far did you get?

Well, I know it's all supposed to be in Mark's words

but I did write some of it myself.

You and every other parent in the country.

But he did write his own bit in the hopes, dreams and ambitions section.

Great.

Oh, I'd like to hear that.

I wish to be happy.

I hope to be a drummer in a band.

I hope to have friends.

I hope to have a girlfriend.

And I hope to have children.

A good day for me is when I say things

and everybody knows what I mean.

I would like to be cool, but my mum doesn't have the books.

I would like the words to come slower,

from outside and inside.

I would like to go to college and hang out with other kids my age.

I'd like them to be OK with having a big autistic lad for a friend.

I would like that very much indeed.

Amen to that.

Amen to that.

Morning, Maurice.

You thinking about getting a dog after all?

Hey, Maurice, do us a favour?

Whoa, give over!

Give us Joe in one word.

-I don't like playing games at Christmas, I'm sure I don't want to do it now!

-Come on!

First word that comes into your head when you think of Joe.

That is lovely, Ella. That's really coming on a treat.

Shall we think about some music we could play while you danced?

You're not really thinking about becoming a second-hand car saleswoman, are you?

I have to do something. Mum and Dad need me to stay.

And do what?

I'll pick something up.

You will in that campervan, that's for sure.

I can't go anywhere when they're like this.

If something's wrong with them, then something will be wrong with Joe.

And he can't sort them out, can he?

And you can? With your track record?

Do you know why we became friends on the first day of secondary school?

A weakness for mascara?

Well, yes, that,

but because we both knew we were going to get away from this place.

Lovely, lovely, lovely.

Who would like to go next?

Ramesh. And what will you be doing for us?

-It's a magic trick.

-Excellent.

Except we all know there's no such thing as magic.

Well, I wouldn't argue with that so far.

# Don't push too far

# Your dreams are china in your hands

# Don't wish too hard Because... #

You just have to stay around here

and you stand a high chance of becoming dull.

Never the case for me, but for you.

I'll take that risk.

# China in your... #

Engine.

What?

When I'm out with him. He's got a good engine on him.

That word you wanted.

-"Engine?"

-Yeah.

It's taken you all day to come up with that?

Has anybody else said it?

No. Surprisingly.

Come on.

Engine.

What're you doing here?

University terms.

It's not what I meant.

Come on, Emily.

If I was a woman I'm not sure I'd be happy about you having a key

to your ex-wife's house.

Sorry. I stopped listening after "If I was a woman." Give me a moment.

You know what I'm saying. You've still got ketchup on your chin from last night's barbecue.

I really, really don't know what you're saying.

Holly. She must be pissed off with you, always running back here.

Whatever Holly feels is no longer any concern of mine.

Oh, well, welcome to the club.

What?

Louise. She's ended it.

Ended it?

It's not official yet, so don't go blabbing.

No. No.

She does know she's ended it, doesn't she?

Let me get this right.

Ralph said something, you didn't know what he meant,

and this was three days ago,

but you still haven't actually rung Louise to ask her?

In 1876, a man called Alexander Graham Bell invented

the telephone so that years later an emotionally repressed 58-year-old

man could use his invention to phone his girlfriend and talk to her.

I can't very well ask her now, can I?

She's halfway through chemo. It wouldn't be fair.

Well, as excuses go, that's got a nice fake ring of nobility about it,

but it's still an excuse.

And she was off with me in the supermarket.

What is this? Fifth form? What're you going to do next?

-Wheelies outside her house on your bike?

-I'd been thinking.

I suggested we book a holiday after the chemo, she shut that right down.

She probably doesn't want to plan that far ahead. It's a tricky time.

What was Mum like about that stuff?

You know what your mum was like.

She always liked to plan ahead.

She even wrote her own funeral plan.

Dad. Take it easy. You're both going through an awful lot.

Everything's bound to be blown right out of proportion.

Go round there, calmly.

Think about what you're going to say. Then listen.

Listen to what she's saying. What she's really saying.

Not some half-baked interpretation of a throwaway remark from Ralph.

And how about breaking the habit of a lifetime?

Don't do anything rash. Don't say anything rash.

You're right. I know you're right.

I'm always right about other people's relationships.

Are you still here?

People keep saying that!

It's Paul.

So it is.

The film.

Yeah. The film.

You just needed to warn me. Maybe, you know,

before I saw it, maybe, the first time.

I didn't know I'd have to.

I thought you were OK with how Joe is.

I am OK. I am OK with Joe.

Good. Great. That's all cleared up, then.

You know, Paul, I care about Joe.

And I care about you and Alison and Rebecca.

There we are, then. Misunderstanding over.

And every bit of progress that has ever been made about people's

attitude to autism has been made because people talked about it,

were open about it and explained it.

-Paul came here to apologise, Nicola.

-No, I didn't.

And that's all I'm trying to do. Move things on, make it better understood.

Right.

It was only ever for that group.

I won't be showing it again.

I was never going to be showing it again.

Right, thank you for that.

Oh, God! You don't have to thank me.

You just have to know that I would never do anything

to further my career if I thought it was at Joe's expense.

You know, for all your tact and diplomacy, I thought

it might have gone either way there, just now.

Yeah, I think he could tell the alpha male in the room.

-That'll be it.

-And I know it's because he isn't OK with Joe.

-Well, the film can't have helped if he is having problems.

-Hm.

No. You're right. It probably didn't.

Hallelujah. She admits she's wrong.

I didn't say that.

So it wasn't right, but it's not wrong, either?

I was single-minded. That's how I work.

I've always been an eye-on-the-end-result kind of woman.

Well, that would certainly explain our sex life.

I don't go out of my way to trample over everyone's feelings.

-It's just...

-A habit, I know.

Yes.

Like you turning up here every time you're at a loose end.

Well, Emily's here. I don't think I need another reason, do I?

No, I don't mind.

Why don't you stay?

Well, it'd be hard to move, now I've made myself comfy in this slough of despond.

Got a late booking for a table of ten.

The beetroot starters all went at lunchtime.

Gary's in a state, it might involve fennel.

See you later.

Right.

Is that all you're going to say?

Well, what else can you can say about beetroot and fennel?

Right.

Look...

it's not like I just woke up one morning

and decided to feel this way.

Really? Cos that's what it feels like to me.

Cos you've never talked about it. We never talk about it.

I don't want to talk about it. I didn't even want to feel it.

I just... I wanted to bury it.

Yeah.

And bury us along with it.

So Ralph said we wouldn't need you any more?

And that's why you stopped talking to me?

Well, I was in a bit of a tailspin, to be honest.

I could see that.

So why didn't you ask me what was up?

Because I thought you might say that you'd had enough.

That you were only sticking around out of a sense of duty.

So what did Ralph mean?

This has been a big change for Ralph.

Me having...this, and you being around,

and all we've ever said was that you were helping to look after me,

so why wouldn't he think that once the chemo was over, we were over, too? So, are we sorted?

Almost.

Oh, right. What else?

Gone very quiet. It's never a good sign.

Well, it's obvious, in't it?

Not really.

I loved Sandra, you know.

I know.

Great marriage. Great, you know, bedroom stuff.

Big reader.

Argue like I don't know what.

Good mum.

Very strong legs.

Good-natured. Smoothed things over after I've got everybody's back up.

Never forgot anybody's birthday.

Great dancer.

I loved her.

I loved her so much.

So?

So?

Will you marry me?

What?

Good lad!

Oh, all right, Joe!

I know what you're doing!

I want to look.

Headphones.

Punk.

Neuro-atypical.

Roof.

Local.

One-off.

That's two words. You're supposed to be the clever one.

Engine.

Joe.

Son.

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen...

to the Millcross Primary End of Year Show.

Right now, it's me and your dad's

responsibility, and we're fine with it.

What if you and Dad aren't fine with each other, what then?

-Let's not blame Joe.

-Who shall we blame?

It's us, Alison.

We need to talk. For the next five minutes, I want you to talk like me and not like you.

Brutally honest.

How much trouble are we in here?

I just want to run away.

-From what?

-From this, all this, from everything.

All I've got is this, Paul. I can't imagine a world where you

and Alison would ever not be together.

Can we leave off the hide and seek now? I'm running out of energy.

I feel like I've opened the door on us

and all the bad stuff just... It-It's pouring out.