Am Dram Damned Armchair Detectives

Do you know when someone is barking up the wrong tree? Can you detect when someone is telling a lie?

You've found the right place for you. Welcome to the TV show

with only one question: whodunnit?

Welcome to Armchair Detectives,

the show where these 15 murder mystery enthusiasts

will try and solve a fictional deadly crime.

Our detective brain boxes will examine the evidence from a case

set in Mortcliff, the village twinned with Scaryville, USA.

Helping them is Mortcliff's premier police team -

DI Knight, DC Slater

and scene of crimes officer Simmons.

I want a calendar of these people for Christmas.

Before we head to Mortcliff for the first time

let's meet our Armchair Detectives.

-Hello, Armchair Detectives. ALL:

-Hi.

Always up for it, always ready to go.

Now, only three of you play each day

so please take your armchairs, James, Ashley and Audrey.

Come on up.

Now, we all know why we're here.

The detectives who guess the killer correctly will win one of these -

the golden magnifying glass.

-AUDIENCE:

-Oooh!

Everyone wants one.

Now, Ashley, you're the only Armchair Detective

-who's not won a trophy yet.

-Mm.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aww!

Are you going to try and get one today?

-I was trying in the first place...

-LAUGHTER

James, you're the only Armchair Detective chasing 100% records,

are you going to make it four out of four?

Oh, you like to add the pressure, don't you?

I do, James. I do, it's cos I love you so much. Are you going to do it?

I really hope so.

It's time for round one. The Crime Scene.

Knight and Slater meet Simmons at Mortcliff Civic Theatre.

Notepads at the ready, off we go.

Another day, another murder.

Once more unto the breach.

That's Henry V but good try.

Do you like Shakespeare, sir?

Politics, corruption, murder. What's not to like?

The body's already been uplifted. We're just finishing up.

You'll like this.

There were people around but nobody actually saw the murder.

Smoke and mirrors.

The victim was stabbed on stage by someone in costume

while they were rehearsing the play.

Took them a while to realise that anything had happened.

Murder weapon?

Probably this sword. It's long enough to do some damage.

The victim died almost immediately so it probably hit a vital organ.

If you want to know more I'd speak to Art.

He's pretty shaken up, though.

It happened in Act Three.

It's when Hamlet and his mother are having an argument

and Polonius eavesdrops behind the tapestry.

The tapestry, is that that cloth I saw?

That cloth is all this budget could stretch to.

At least we'd painted it to make it look like a tapestry.

It's actually an arras.

HE CHUCKLES

Doug was stabbed from behind it.

Painful that, stabbed through the arras.

But surely it was a prop sword?

Of course it was a prop sword. I bought and tested it myself.

Last time I checked it was as blunt as a dowager from Dorset.

Right, can you think of any reason

-why anyone would want to kill Doug Weston?

-Are you kidding?

Doug's management style got results

but not without making a lot of people angry.

-So the cast had issues with him?

-And crew.

Take a ticket and get to the back of the queue.

And what was your particular issue?

Lack of budget, being paid late, being treated badly, undermined.

To be honest, I'd probably have killed him first

if someone else hadn't have done it for me.

Well, I don't know what the problem is.

Low budget shows can be very entertaining.

So, Armchair Detectives.

It's Hamlet that's being on at the moment.

It was during Act Three.

We know that Art bought the prop

which was meant to be the fake dagger.

It was blunt but it's obviously been swapped at some point.

It's like somebody stabbed him through the curtain.

-Through the tapestry.

-Yeah.

-Through the tapestry.

-Right.

So, basically, who wasn't on stage when he got stabbed?

Well, can I ask does anyone know Hamlet well?

-No.

-No.

-No.

OK, so... All right.

The one thing I'd like to say about the posters,

you don't see the face of the person in the cloak,

so obviously the person who stabbed was in a cloak as well,

so it'll be interesting if we see who actually played that person.

Let me tell you a bit more about the victim, see if this helps.

Today, we're investigating

the death of Doug Weston.

Doug was 35, he was a

theatre director and former actor.

In his personal life

Doug was recently remarried.

He had been married

twice previously.

The cause of death is a stabbing to the back,

potentially causing major damage to vital organs.

The time of death is approximately 2:45pm.

Well, he's been divorced twice and now remarried

so he might have some women after him,

and are they actresses and have they got anything to do with the theatre?

Interesting. Let's take a look at the suspects so far.

And there's really only one name.

Art Gifford, who's an actor and the art department

cos it's a low budget community theatre production of Hamlet.

-Art Gifford, what were your first impressions of him?

-He said...

Nobody liked him.

No-one liked him and he would be first in line to kill him

if someone hadn't done it first.

-And you basically had to get in a queue.

-Yeah.

And also it was a case that he was moaning about not having

a lot of money to actually...

-Well, he wasn't getting paid properly.

-Yeah.

-Armchair Detectives,

here's the first piece of evidence for you to look at.

It is a layout of the stage with forensic notes.

-Who's Kenneth?

-Yeah, exactly.

Haven't got a clue. Who is Kenneth?

I've got Kenneth and I've got body and there's only one exit

apart from coming off the front of the stage and that's to the right.

Well, there's plenty of places for somebody to hide

and they could have obviously sneaked in from the outside exit.

The wavy line is the tapestry, just so you know.

-So that is the tapestry.

-Kenneth could have been lighting, maybe.

I mean, we don't know who Kenneth is yet but he could have been lighting.

So at the moment our major question is who's Kenneth?

-Yes.

-Yes.

-Yes.

-OK, let's see if we can find out a little bit more

because it's on to round two.

Last movements.

We'll now see what happened to Doug Weston

only moments before his death.

Notepads at the ready. Let's head back to Mortcliff.

Let's take it from the top of Scene 4, please.

-Hello, everyone.

-Hello, darling, what's up?

I just came to show my support.

At this point I need life support.

-Don't be rude, darling.

-Sit next to me and cheer me up.

I will in a minute, darling, I just have to nip to the ladies.

I'm struggling to hear in this bloody awful excuse of a costume,

-can someone cue me in?

-No problem. Let's call the prompt, shall we?

Oh, dear, guess what? There isn't one.

Clean out the ear wax, Art.

Can someone cue him in?

Right, Polonius, are you standing by?

Standing by.

Right, from the top, please, Hamlet.

Come, come, and sit you down, Mother. You shall not budge

You go not till I set you up a glass

where you may find the inmost part of yourself.

What will thou do, Hamlet?

Thou wilt not murder me.

Help, help, oh!

What ho! Help, help, help!

How, now! A rat? Dead, for a ducat, dead.

I'm slain.

Are you kidding me? Stop!

-What now?

-Firstly, you're in the wrong position.

What the hell are you doing? Is that the best you can do?

You think you know everything. You're pathetic.

I've worked with all the greats.

Su Pollard, James Bolam, Tim Brooke-Taylor.

You don't even come close.

Right, and you're so great you're doing rep in Mortcliff.

I don't care who you've worked for.

All I care about is you find some kind of performance before tonight

in that some way resembles Polonius.

Well, Kenneth Branagh, why don't you show me how to do it? Huh?

OK, everyone. Take five.

Mr Barron. Nick? Where art thou?

Oh, for goodness sakes, I'll do Hamlet. Just get on with it.

Ken, you ready?

Oh, no, help, help, help.

How, now! A rat? Dead, for a ducat, dead...

Oh, God!

Help, please...

Doug?

Doug? Doug?

-MUFFLED:

-Help me!

Help!

Oh, no. Help! Oh, God.

SHE SCREAMS

When's my cue?

SHE LAUGHS

Well, how extraordinary. Armchair Detectives...

-Well, who was tied up?

-Kenneth.

-That was Kenneth?

-I think so.

So let's take another look at the suspect board

and we can add a further four names.

We've got Nick Barron, who's an actor,

Vivian MacLeod, actress,

Poppy Weston, Doug's wife,

and Kenneth Oliver, actor.

Well, Kenneth was tied up with the red rope,

that's what we presume,

and we never presume anything here,

but he wasn't happy with him showing him how to play the part.

Art wouldn't have had enough time to tie Kenneth up

because he literally just disappeared off the stage.

-Poppy Weston who was...

-Supposedly in the toilet.

-Doug's wife.

-Yeah, she supposedly went to the toilet.

-The toilet, yes.

Vivian, who's playing Hamlet's mother, she went off just slightly

before Nick and then they asked for Hamlet to come back

and that's when Kenneth said,

"Don't worry, I'll play the part of Hamlet."

OK, but you've got a chance now to pick a piece of evidence

to see if it can help you out.

So, we have the rope used to tie Kenneth's hands

or the poster advertising the play

and finally a forensic report on the sword found at the crime scene.

Discuss, Armchair Detectives.

-Well, we love forensics so...

-Yeah.

Should we go for knife forensics to see

if that's got any clues on the knife? The fingerprints.

Because we need to know the fingerprints,

because apparently Art said he bought the prop knife.

But obviously somebody's replaced it, that's quite obvious.

So could their prints be on it?

The only other thing is that orange rope, is that fake theatre-type rope

where, you know, it comes already tied?

Are you thinking Kenneth's possibly stabbed Doug then tied his own hands

-behind his back with a fake rope to think...to make it look...

-Yeah.

Cos... Oh...

That's exciting.

-Cos that...

-You see what I mean?

-Yeah.

What would you like to see, Armchair Detectives?

There's lots of theories but which one of these would you like to see?

Hands up for the rope.

You talked me into the rope cos I was going for the knife.

-But let's go for the rope.

-OK, rope?

-Rope.

-Rope.

-That's the rope.

-That's elasticated rope.

It looks like the knots...

Yeah, you could quite easily tie yourself up.

Yeah, it looks like it can be easily adjusted.

-Kenneth had a cloak on.

-Yeah.

He had dodgy rope which he could have quite easily put on himself

and he was behind, so - he was lying behind so, stab, floor, thing on.

He could quite easily have done that

cos by the time he fell to the floor everybody applaused

and then thought it was a great performance.

Then the wife comes along with this phony scream,

and that gives him at least a minute.

Art, Nick, Vivian, Poppy or Kenneth.

I need you to write down the name of your prime suspect now.

Time's up Armchair Detectives, notepads down.

James, who's your prime suspect and why?

-Got some questions about Kenneth.

-So, who's your prime suspect?

-Kenneth.

-Kenneth. Ashley, who's your prime suspect?

-I've gone for Poppy.

-Why?

-The wife. Because she came out of nowhere

and I reckon she could have just slipped in, stabbed him and then...

"Oh, whoa, whoa, he's dead."

Just seemed a little bit too random for me.

-Little bit too random. Audrey, who's your prime suspect?

-Oh, Kenneth.

It's definitely the elasticated rope he was tied up with.

It seems a bit too convenient.

-It does, doesn't it?

-Mm.

So, to summarise, our Armchair Detectives' prime suspects are -

James has gone for Kenneth, Ashley has gone for Poppy

and Audrey has gone for Kenneth.

But it's on to round three, the Police Interviews.

Knight and Slater are about to question Vivian and Kenneth,

and Simmons has some interesting findings from the autopsy.

Notepads at the ready, let's go to Mortcliff Police Station.

Ah, just the men I was looking for.

Yeah, we get that a lot, Simmons, animal magnetism is what it is.

Yeah, I wouldn't bottle it just yet.

I have the cause of death.

Excellent, Simmons, let's have it.

Well, the autopsy suggest a weapon of at least 12 inches long,

1 inch wide and double edged,

piercing through the back of the victim and puncturing his heart.

-Is that a dagger I see before me, sir?

-Yeah, wrong play, Benjamin.

You know your Shakespeare, Simmons?

Yeah, really well. The comedies are a particular favourite of my family.

Oh, I prefer the tragedies.

Yeah, well, whatever your preference whoever murdered Doug Weston

had serious venom for their intention.

Very true, Slater, and very fitting for a 15th century murder,

don't you think? Shall we?

I'm sorry I haven't been much use.

The whole day was a horrible blur.

Not at all. You've been very helpful. So...

The cast were saying that you were backstage talking to Nick

while Doug was showing Kenneth how to act.

Nick was just gossiping.

It happens a lot, you know, who's seeing who,

all that kind of stuff.

And?

Well...

Nick was just wondering if anything was going on with me and Doug.

He said he knew something wasn't right about Poppy

and Doug's relationship and he thought I might be the other woman.

And were you?

Well, no.

But what if I were?

It's not illegal, you know.

Poppy was jealous of me.

Doug was spending lots of time at the theatre and he'd only just

finished the previous production which went on national tour.

That was a huge success for us.

For us?

Oh, yes, Doug cast me in that one, too.

I know I'm an accomplished actress

but to be honest I did think he was rather keen.

Did he make that clear to you?

Well, no.

But I always know.

Now, Kenneth, could you tell us what you told the uniformed officers?

Yes, of course.

Well, I was behind the tapestry ready to do my scene with Doug

and then somebody attacked me wearing the ghost costume.

I hadn't a clue who it was.

He or she - one never knows these days - covered my mouth.

I tried to shout out but they'd tied my hands behind my back

and then pushed me to the back of the stage.

That must be when they stabbed Doug in the back.

I saw them run off to the left.

That was stage left?

Yes, that's right.

Thank you.

You live on a boat, am I right?

That's right, yes, the Serenity, South Harbour.

That's interesting, to know we had a sailor in our midst.

No, no, it's a trick from my younger days.

It's often cheaper to hire a boat for a few weeks than a hotel.

Interesting observations from Kenneth.

Nick and Vivian were stage left,

but they didn't see a ghost run past.

Well, we only know of one ghost costume and that was the one

worn by Art and he was waiting for his cue on the right side of stage.

The whole theatre was searched

and nothing of interest was found meaning they're both lying or...

Well, I mean, where did the other ghost costume go?

Or, more importantly, which left is which?

See, stage left and right are from the perspective of being on stage.

-If you're looking at the stage it's the other way around.

-Oh, right.

Or is that left?

This is a good one. This is a good one.

Poppy maybe was jealous, yeah, of Vivian and Doug.

Vivian, I think, thinks more of herself than that.

I think she thinks she's it. But he's not going to...

Sounds like the wives made have made a mistake marrying him,

if I'm very honest with you.

It could be a woman scorned, you know what I mean?

Killing her husband.

There was certainly an insinuation that Poppy was very jealous

-and that Poppy was jealous of Vivian.

-Yes.

-Kenneth used to be a sailor. He lives on a boat.

-He's got a boat.

-Yes.

-Those ropes...

He's used to tying ropes that he can get out of.

No-one's seen this ghost figure that he said ran off.

-He's the only one that says there was another ghost.

-Yes.

And that rope is from sailing.

Yeah, cos it's what they use, it's a sailor's rope, type of rope.

Is it too obvious?

James, I don't know right now, I'll be really honest with you.

I'm struggling as well.

Well, once again, Armchair Detectives, you get to pick

a piece of evidence from three choices.

Would you like to see the poster advertising the play,

a forensic report on the sword found at the crime scene,

or the new piece of evidence, CCTV footage at the stage door?

-Kind of ruled out the poster at the moment...

-I like the poster.

-I think there's something there.

-I want to see the knife forensics

-and I want to see the CCTV.

-Yeah, I'm the same. The knife or the CCTV.

Which one, which one? Ashley?

-Knife.

-Knife.

-Knife. Right, let's see the forensics on the knife.

The blade is notably dull and unthreatening,

however edges appear to have been recently sharpened.

-Oh.

-Four matches.

So there is DNA from Nick Weston,

Kenneth Oliver, Doug Weston

and Art Gifford.

It's not going to be Doug, because he ain't going to stab himself.

Art Gifford, he was the one in charge of the props.

He was the one that claimed he bought it...

Now, when would Nick have handled the knife?

-12 inch by 1 inch, double edge...

-Sword, yeah.

So, it's time to pick your prime suspect again. Who's it going to be?

Write the name down in your notepads now.

Notepads down, Armchair Detectives.

Last time, James, you went for Kenneth, have you changed your mind?

-I've stuck with Kenneth at the moment.

-Right.

The reason being, in his interview we found out about him

being a sailor and living on a boat and things like that.

I also don't think he should have any

explanation for having his DNA on the knife.

If I've got it correct he should never handle the knife

to be the character he's playing.

Ashley, last time you went for Poppy, have you changed your mind?

-I have.

-Who've you gone for?

-Kenneth.

-Kenneth, why?

-Well,

he was the one who was going to be stabbed so he wouldn't have -

there's no reason his DNA should be on that knife,

and that rope, I just got a funny feeling he's just slipped it on.

Audrey, last time you went for Kenneth,

who've you gone for this time?

I've stuck with Kenneth. I just can't get that rope out of my head.

-I know, neither can I.

-Neither can I.

-Because there's no other explanation.

-So, in summary,

James has gone for Kenneth, Ashley has gone Kenneth,

Audrey's gone for Kenneth.

It's an Armchair Detectives full house, ladies and gentlemen.

Have a custard "crime" at home if you got that right.

But now it's time for round four. Dig Deeper.

Let's see what happened three weeks before Doug Weston's death.

Notepads at the ready, let's head back to Mortcliff.

Excuse me, sir, sir, we're here. Sir. Wake up.

This doesn't look like the right place.

This is definitely the postcode you gave me.

Are you sure?

My agent told me I was doing six weeks in Morecambe.

Morecambe's about 300 miles that way. This is Mortcliff.

Right. Now...

Roger's going to get a telling off from me later on.

Thank you.

Very much.

OK, I'll be in touch, thank you for that, take care.

So this is the great Doug Weston, then, is it?

For my sins.

He's no wunderkind

but he's making a name for himself in provincial theatre.

And what's this all about, then? Hm?

It's called making gold from dross.

Right, who's next?

That's you.

When you're ready.

I'm not here to audition.

I used to be in Florizal Lane.

Although it's not a soap any more, it's continuing drama and I was...

You and everyone else here. Give me something from Hamlet, please.

Oh, that this too too solid flesh would melt.

Thaw, and resolve itself into a dew,

Or that the Everlasting had not fixed

His canon 'gainst self-slaughter!

O God, God!

How weary, stale, flat, and unprofitable

Seem to...

Do you mind?

Right, I've heard enough. We'll put you down as Reynaldo.

Absolutely not.

If you're paying me 400 quid a week it'll be Hamlet or nothing else.

-Oh, God. Are you really...

-Yes.

Kenneth Oliver, indeed.

Right, well, the theatre owner chose you over my head.

He didn't specify Hamlet. You're too old. Polonius it is.

He's pompous and long-winded. Shouldn't be much of a stretch.

Do you run all your auditions this way?

As you rightly pointed out, you did not audition.

Please, sit down.

Right, Ophelia's next.

We need to discuss the tapestry.

I don't have a budget for one, even a really horrible one.

-Did you or did you not study scenic design?

-Yes, but...

Correct me if I'm wrong but is it not your job

to make things like anything you want,

including buying scrap material to make a tapestry?

Well, yes, in theory, but in terms of authenticity I thought...

Great, we're sorted, then. Go away.

Sarah Banting, please come and read for Ophelia.

What haven't I done?

Acting, front of house, lighting, costumes, make-up, props.

I've been in this game all my life.

And now here I am in Mortcliff.

Well, you and me both, darling.

Who got Hamlet?

Nick Barron.

Never heard of him.

Party magician in his spare time.

He just joined Equity, Nick Barron is his stage name.

His real name's Nick Weston. He's Doug's brother.

Nepotism abounds.

That's not all. Look at Doug's wife.

The plot thickens.

The plot thickens, Audrey, indeed.

I'm going to do the rest of the show in an amateur dramatic style.

James, what do you think?

So, right at the start I was

going down a nice merry path with Kenneth.

He came in, he was expecting to be at Morecambe,

he ends up in Mortcliff and there he is tying a rope on the stage

-with some rope and he's getting paid £400 a week.

-Yes.

He's not got to play Hamlet who he wanted.

Then we skip ten seconds

and we're with Nick, who's Doug's brother, flirting with his wife.

Yes. I know. It's a hot bed.

-There's another motive there for Poppy and Nick.

-Yeah.

Well, Kenneth was keen to brag on his vast experience

and he also mentioned that he did props as well,

so if he's quite, you know, used to handling props...

I missed that, Audrey.

I wondered why he was reeling off his repertoire.

Yeah, that was one of things he was keen to mention was props,

so he could have quite easily replaced the knife.

You know, why would he kill him

apart from the fact that he didn't really like him?

Let's take a look at the suspects board and for the first time

on Armchair Detectives we're changing the name of a suspect.

Nick Barron is of course Nick Weston.

-Yes.

-What would Art's motive be for killing Doug Weston?

Didn't have a lot of money for...

Yeah, at the moment we've only really got the budget thing.

-And he's annoyed.

-And the fact he hasn't been paid.

Nick Weston, the brother of the victim.

-He's a magician. Sleight of hand.

-Yeah.

-So he could have quite easily switched the knives, etc.

-Exactly.

His brother's wife, there could have been something going on there.

-Get his brother out the way.

-Jealousy, jealousy.

-Yeah.

Vivian, what's Vivian's motive?

She says that she thinks Doug is in...

-Love with her.

-..love with her.

What if it's the other way round and Vivian's following Doug round?

-Maybe.

-Cos she said that she had been with them in the last play

-as well.

-Yeah, she's stalking him.

-So there is something there.

Poppy Weston's motive would be?

-Possibly...

-Get rid of the husband.

He's had two wives previously.

Vivian's thrown it in on her interview that he's possibly

seen someone else.

And Kenneth - are we clear on Kenneth apart from...?

He's not got a motive. We know he's got all the tricks up his sleeve.

-He's done everything.

-But what's the motive, what's the motive?

That's the problem with Kenneth, that's the problem with Kenneth,

what's the motive? It's evidence pick time again,

Armchair Detectives.

The poster advertising the play, CCTV footage at the stage door

and the new item is a copy of Doug Weston's script.

I'm wondering about Doug's script because...

That's what he had in his hand when he died

because you saw the script...

Could he have marked something on there?

Could there have been a clue put on...?

CCTV's usually definitive evidence.

It either tells you - either rules somebody in or rules somebody out.

And the poster, I'm still not ruling the poster out here

because maybe they were showing... showing off a star.

Or maybe he wasn't actually on there at all.

What's going to help you the most?

-CCTV, for me.

-Is that what you'd like, Audrey?

-That's what I'd like.

I'm going to go with the lady.

-Well, then, that's that then, James.

-That's that.

Audrey's had her way. It's a still.

-That's them.

-And who is that?

-That's Vivian, is that Vivian?

Yeah, Viv and Nick.

-It is Vivian and Nick.

-There's a light near the....

There's the time at the bottom right, 2:42.

That'd mean they'd have three minutes...

Those two would have three minutes to go and kill him.

Vivian in her interview said that she was back stage left with Nick.

-Yeah.

-Which she is.

-Yeah.

However, what she failed to mention was that she was outside.

So she's outside the stage door.

That would mean that possibly someone could have entered

from stage left and tied up Ken,

cos they wouldn't have seen because they're outside.

Because they're outside, they're not... They are backstage...

-Yes, but they're outside.

-..but they're outside backstage.

-Yeah.

-Armchair Detectives, it's prime suspect time again.

-Yeah.

So, please write the name down in your notebooks now.

Time's up, Armchair Detectives, notepads down.

Right, James, last time you went for Kenneth,

who've you gone for this time?

At the moment I've still stuck with Kenneth.

Right, nothing has dissuaded you?

There's a few things floating around that's annoying me but I've still

got a lot of unanswered questions about Kenneth at the moment.

-Yeah. Ashley, last time you went for Kenneth.

-Yeah.

-Who've you gone for this time?

-Art.

-Art, right. Why?

The problem is, with Kenneth there's no motive at this point,

I cannot see a motive.

Art already had the hooded costume on, yeah,

-and I think he's got more grief with the deceased.

-Right, OK.

Audrey, last time you went for Kenneth,

-who've you gone for this time?

-I've stuck with Kenneth.

-Right.

We've caught him on a lie, right, because he was lying down

and he said he just saw this ghost figure running off to the left

and Nick and Vivian were outside canoodling and so

-they would have seen somebody run past.

-The door was shut.

Yeah, but where would they go?

They can either go out the door or nowhere else to go.

So, in summary, James has gone for Kenneth,

Ashley has gone for Art and Audrey has gone for Kenneth.

It's time now for round five, the Final Clues.

Who'll take the applause and who'll exit by the stage door?

Notepads at the ready. Let's find out, back in Mortcliff.

Why are you all here? Show's been cancelled, hasn't it?

Sir, have you never heard the phrase "the show must go on"?

We've decided that we're not going to let

three weeks' work go to waste. It's what Doug would have wanted.

And you're all agreed on that, are you,

even though your director's been murdered?

Did he say murdered?

You said it was probably a prank that went wrong.

Someone murdered my husband?

I'm new here,

if any of you have any information for these detectives

then I'm sure you can talk to them and speak your mind.

Is this the best you can do?

This is the best I could do at short notice.

The forensics lady took the real sword.

You lot get on with rehearsing the final act.

The public are coming in two hours.

In the meantime, I have to speak to the press.

Is it true they want you back on Florizal Lane?

Nick.

-I need to get into character.

-This won't take long.

Do you have anything to say to the rumour that you

and Poppy are more than just in-laws?

Doug knew I teased Poppy like the big sister I never had.

There's nothing untoward about it.

According to the cast, you and Poppy have been very cosy.

-It means nothing.

-That's interesting.

Look, I really should go and get focused.

Is that a handkerchief or is it..?

Pair of knickers.

-Well.

-Ladies' lacy knickers.

That was a pair of knickers.

Why has he got your knickers?

LAUGHTER

I wear Wonder Woman pants, James.

Well, haven't we all had that awkward moment where we pull

out our handkerchiefs and it's in fact a pair of pants?

Right, tell me.

-Kenneth. He's now got a motive.

-Yeah, he wants to be in charge.

But the thing is, how did he have enough time to sharpen the blade?

Because he just arrived. Because obviously the blade was sharpened.

I don't know, maybe during rehearsals he suddenly decided,

"I'm going to finish him off," and bring it with him.

He's been a props man. It wouldn't take much to switch them.

I'm wondering about Poppy cos she went off to the loo.

I'm looking at the diagram again and wondering if she's got enough time

to go up and backstage

but I've still got so many unanswered questions with Kenneth.

You've got one final piece of evidence to look at -

the poster advertising the play or a copy of Doug Weston's script.

I'm interested to see the poster

because...who's the star on the poster?

I'm interested in seeing Doug's script

and the reason I want to see Doug's script is because

if he's cutting Kenneth from the play then that's a big motive there.

I'll ditto that. That's exactly what I was thinking. Belittled.

But I might be completely wrong, that's just an assumption...

-Would you like to see the script, James?

-I would.

-Audrey, would you?

-Yes, please.

-I think we'll see the script.

See the script and then we get to look at the poster later on, Ashley,

-and see if you were right all along.

-Oh, no.

Let's have a look at the script.

Right, so that's confirming

-that Nick Weston is Hamlet.

-Yeah.

However, he has underscored Vivian MacLeod

-and put a little flower next to her name.

-And the flower...

-Is that a poppy flower as well?

-Yeah, looks like a poppy flower.

But to me...

Don't do this to me, Susan.

The victim Doug doesn't seem to me to be the kind of guy

that would put a feminine little flower on something.

-A woman's done that.

-Ah.

-Armchair Detectives...

-I wish you'd not gone for...

-I wish I hadn't seen that.

-The big moment has arrived.

You're about to make your final accusation

for the chance of winning another golden magnifying glass.

Oh, don't do this to me.

It's time to answer the only question that matters: whodunnit?

Armchair Detectives, time is up. Notepads down.

Let's find out who you've accused. James, who are you accusing?

-Stuck with Kenneth.

-Right.

-There's a lot of unanswered questions with him.

-OK.

However, that last piece of evidence threw me.

And I don't know if it's a code that Poppy's the killer. I'm just...

I'm going to stick with Kenneth, though.

Ashley, who are you accusing?

I've gone for Kenneth.

I've changed my mind to Kenneth because he's got motive.

He knew how to do the knot because Art couldn't do the knot,

so I can't see how Art would have tied the knot.

So he could tie the knot and then he didn't have a motive

until he took over and there was something said, yeah,

that, "Will you be asked to go on to something else?"

-Audrey?

-I've stuck with Kenneth from the beginning

and I'm keeping it with Kenneth.

Again, the same reasons, the fact that he lied.

He said he saw the ghost,

the only other person in a ghost outfit was Art and he was

standing to the right and the other two were out the back door,

so nobody could have ran that way and that was a lie.

So, in summary,

all of our Armchair Detectives are accusing Kenneth of the murder.

Now, you've got one piece of evidence left, Armchair Detectives.

Would it have made a difference?

Ashley wanted to see this poster from the very beginning.

Let's see the poster advertising the play.

Well, that's just showing us that Art was the ghost,

-so Art could have been the one that ran past.

-Mm-hm.

Well, what really happened in today's story Am Dram Damned?

Who killed Doug Weston? Let's find out...whodunnit.

We found this on your boat.

We were particularly interested in the...handcuff knot.

Very nice of you to mark it for us.

And we also found that you can put your hands into this knot

and pull on the ends to tighten it.

How enthralling.

Which could mean that the person who tied you up was in fact you.

Well, I'm good but I'm not exactly Houdini.

Actually, eyewitness statements confirm

the silhouette of the killer was over 6ft.

If you look closely at the poster

you're the only cast member matching that height.

That only leaves the problem of the ghost costume.

There was another costume but where is it?

It seems to have disappeared.

Almost like a ghost.

Using your knowledge of costume making from past productions

you made your costume reversible,

which meant that it would only take a few seconds

to change from one character to another.

Forensics found a few blood samples on this.

And they're a direct match to Doug Weston's.

Though this be madness, yet there is method in't.

The most ingenious role of my career which no-one appreciated.

Well, we worked it out so others would have.

I mean, let's face it, you're not exactly Olivier, are you?

Well, that's where you're wrong, Detective.

I could have been greater than Olivier.

I've worked with the greats. Yet recently I've been subjected to

working with an endless stream of amateur idiots.

You know, many great artists,

their true talents are only revealed after a tragedy.

They become legends,

they're revered in the press.

This could have been my tragedy.

I could have been back on top.

On the world's stages, performing the greatest play...

Kenneth Oliver, I'm arresting you for the murder of Doug Weston.

Happy dance, happy dance, happy dance.

What that means, of course, is that, James,

you have got four out of four

-and, Ashley, you've got your first trophy.

-Yes!

And, Audrey, well done as well.

Armchair Detectives over here, how many of you got it right?

Quite a lot of you, quite a lot of you.

Well, that's all from Armchair Detectives.

Tomorrow, Christmas has come to Mortcliff.

Knight and Slater will be ho-ho-hoping

to catch the killer before Christmas Day.

And remember:

no-one gets away with murder in Mortcliff. Goodbye.

Well done. Well done, darling. Well done, well done.