Episode 5 Can't Touch This

One rule, touch the prize, win the prize.

But doing that takes a whole load of this...

BUZZER

HE PANTS

A ridiculous amount of this...

And absolutely masses of this...

HE SCREAMS

HE PANTS

It's fast... It's furious..

-It's... Can't Touch This!

-Can't Touch This!

Hello, I'm Zoe Ball.

And I'm Ashley Banjo, and welcome to Can't Touch This.

Tonight, we have an obstacle course like no other,

there are catapults, slides, swinging bits,

spinning things, you name it.

-And water.

-Oh, yes. Let's not forget the freezing cold water.

We have contestants warming up, ready to jump,

climb and clamber their way around it,

touching touch points on the way.

-And what do touch points mean?

-Prizes.

-Prizes.

Yes, until one of them emerges victorious,

and gets the chance to jump for that car.

To introduce these heroic souls going for glory tonight,

we have our invisible co-host, Sue Perkins.

Where are you, Sue?

Oh, don't worry about me, I've been here all week.

Now, let's meet the contestants.

They're brave, they're bold, they're bussed in against their will.

Tonight, these mighty warriors will attempt to make their families

and their labradors proud!

Amongst their ranks, a really good kisser from Antrim,

a Brummie mummy from Birmingham...

..and someone who wants YOU from London.

They're all hoping they can touch this...tonight!

And it all starts here.

Our catapult sends our contestants on a short,

but exhilarating, flight into a foam pit.

Then it's on to the travelator.

High above is the first touch point.

Touch it and bank a cross trainer.

Don't kid yourself, you'll never take it out the box.

Also, on the travelator, the second touch point,

which banks an epic trip for two to New York,

the city so good they named it.

But one misstep here and you're in for a dunking.

Then it's a short trip to Stack Em High.

Just build a tower to reach touch point number three

and bank an internet radio.

Great for listening to the internet.

Then take the mighty Pole across the water to the Beam,

and reach the fourth touch point to bank a fancy camera.

You can take it in the bath! You can't.

Next, it's down the slide, and the two swinging touch points,

which bank an espresso maker and a barbecue.

The chicken lattes will be on you.

and the last touch point stops the clock and banks a family tent.

So, that's summer ruined.

Every missed touch point equals a 30 second penalty.

The contestant still standing at the end of the show gets the chance

to win everything they've banked.

Don't blame me, I only come here to use the vending machine.

So, now they know what to do, and it's time for us,

and for them, to see if they can actually do it.

Too late for last minute nerves.

It's time for the first contestant to step up,

and get the game started.

# Hey Mickey... #

Let's meet our first contestant.

Give us a K, give us an I,

Give us an R! Oh, I can't be bothered, it's Kirsty.

So, Kirsty, according to you, it's only losers who say,

"It's the taking part that counts."

So, I'm assuming you are in it to win it.

Absolutely, that's why I'm here. Let's do it!

Kirsty talking with all the confidence of a girl

who hasn't yet been shot across a converted aircraft hangar.

Fire her!

-KIRSTY SCREAMS REPEATEDLY

-Weeeeeee! Weeeeeee! Weeeee!

-# I'm walking on sunshine... #

-Let's go, Kirsty.

Off to the travelator and the first touch point banks the cross trainer.

I hope Ashley's towelled it down this time.

She said she's done an assault course on holiday in Magaluf.

Hopefully that's set her up nicely.

-Banked!

-Ooh!

And that's the face gone.

Bit cheeky.

The next touch point is the trip to New York. Come on!

KIRSTY YELPS

Oh, no, trip to New York trip for Kirsty.

Just a 30-second penalty.

I like that move there, I might steal that one.

KIRSTY YELPS

Just time to mimic the African grass owl

and then she's on to Stack 'Em High.

-It's freezing as well!

-ZOE LAUGHS

OK, Stack Em High now.

All Kirsty has to do is stack the blocks up

to the next touch point to bank that internet radio.

Like that, really.

Now off to the Wall of Dooooommmm!

-Ashley, come give us a hand.

-All right, give me two secs.

Arrange these blocks nice and tall, so Kirsty can get over our wall.

Right, up you go, Kirsty.

Oh, dear, that bum's hanging out again.

-Let me just fix me pants.

-Tucking herself in.

-Keeps herself neat.

-Neat.

-She can do it, she can do it...

-No problem.

-Yay!

-Well done, Kirsty. Good work.

-Yes, Kirsty.

And now for the mighty Pole vault.

Oh, there's no way, is there?

She said, "there's no way."

-Give it your best shot, Kirsty.

-Grip it, grip it.

Ooh!

Ooh, that was ra-ra-rather unfortunate.

She got the other cheek.

How's the water, Kirsty?

GURGLING SOUND

-Pardon?

-I swallowed all the water.

Leave some for the others, Kirsty.

-I'll fix me pants again.

-THEY LAUGH

I'd take those pants back, if I were you.

-Off to the Beam now for the camera.

-All right, here we go.

She's got to avoid the swinging punch bags to get the camera,

which of course is conveniently situated under the Beam.

Don't release them yet.

Kirsty giving orders to her cheerleading team here.

-Ooh!

-Kirsty giving us the O again.

-Ooh!

-And again. And again.

-Ooh!

What does that spell?

Well, it spells 'No Camera for Kirsty'.

Finally, on to the slide.

The two swinging touch points bank an espresso machine

and a barbecue.

And she's got them both. Well done, Kirsty.

-BUZZER

-She banks the family tent and stops the clock,

banking a total of five prizes, and completing the course

with a time of seven minutes and 27 seconds with penalties,

which makes her our current leader, current cheerleader.

There was a couple of points there

I just wanted to come and give you a hug.

I swallowed all the water, I should've shut my mouth.

-Well, Kirsty, you've done brilliantly.

-Thank you.

-Well done.

-Hopefully we'll get to see you again.

-Hopefully.

-Fingers crossed.

-Oh, fingers crossed!

Meet honest Pete.

A Renfrewshire football fanatic referee. Phew, just got that out.

Pete, you're a qualified football referee.

So, are you going to be playing fair with the other contestants tonight?

Well, Ashley, I'm known as honest Pete the referee,

so the answer to that is definitely.

It's the other contestants you need to worry about.

Well, Pete lost the toss, so he gets the catapult. Propel!

WHISTLE

Oh, great start. Definitely a dive, though.

I wonder if there's any people who have been red carded by Pete,

watching now going, "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

First touch point for Pete. The cross trainer.

Oh, no joy but a bit of a Blattering.

And an early bath.

-ASHLEY LAUGHS

-Slippery feet.

Oh!

Not quite travelator fit, so no trip to New York, just A&E.

Oh, no, he really took a knock.

Stack 'Em High now for the internet radio.

-Nice.

-Strong, he is tough.

Let's see if Pete gets elevated or relegated.

-CHEERING

-Banked!

-Goal!

MUSIC: Nessun Dorma by Luciano Pavarotti

Pete's just renamed the Wall of Doom to the Wall of Minor Inconvenience.

Can he master the Pole vault?

Or will it be a red card for Pete?

-Ah!

-Oh, referee!

Early shower.

He did not like that.

On to the Beam now, for the fancy camera.

There are still five defenders to beat.

Or plastic yellow punch bags, as we football fans call them.

Oh, they're all coming for him.

That is nifty to have survived that, and one last punch bag.

Go low, go low, go low.

-Oh!

-Ooh!

Nice header, Pete. But now you're very much off-side.

-Oh!

-Oh, no!

The last one!

I think we're going into extra time here.

-I think we might be.

-Yeah.

Now it's time for the slide tackle.

That's right, Ash.

Can he bank the espresso machine and barbecue?

How about a no?

Final whistle and family tent banked for Pete. His time, 7:29.

-Do you think you've done enough for us to see you again?

-I doubt it.

-You're not sure?

-I doubt it.

You never know, Pete. You've been brilliant, fingers crossed.

Thanks very much, Zoe. Cheers. Thanks.

PETE EXHALES DEEPLY

From football to netball.

Meet Jackie.

She heads up the netball team.

She's at the first touch point.

Looking good. Ouch.

And that was a free pass.

Ooh, ouchy, ouchy, ouchy.

A free pass to just smash your face in.

Well, we'll, um...

we'll let you catch your breath and, er talk to your lawyer.

-This is Tegan Pyke. She keeps bees.

-BUZZING

I think there's one in here. Get off!

All right, it's time for flight of the bumble bee...keeper.

Take off. TEGAN SCREAMS

Beee-autiful, Tegan!

# Sweetness!

# Sweets for my sweet... #

She jumps.

Oh, dear, Tegan.

-Classic neck-first manoeuvre.

-Headfirst, headfirst for Tegan.

Right, is she going for the trip to New York?

-Not going to get very far.

-Oh, literally, a TRIP to New York.

-Oh, she's not giving up, she's not giving up.

-Again!

-She wants that trip.

-Come on.

Oh, belly slide! So frustrating.

Oh, dear, no prizes banked. But don't worry, bee happy!

Oh, Jackie's back. She's playing for the holiday.

She's not afraid of that travelator.

She's going back in for seconds.

-She gets straight back... Oh, my...

-Can she get up to...?

Oh, New York, not quite.

Queen Bee Tegan is at Stack Em High.

Now she's moving so fast, like a swarm of bees are chasing her.

-# I can't help myself... #

-Ooh.

-Ooh.

-Yes.

-And that is the internet radio banked.

Tegan at the Pole.

Ooh...

And Tegan in the pool.

That was a bit of a shock to the system.

Tegan asks for a towel.

Queen Bee Tegan banked the camera on the Beam,

so now she just has two to go on the slide.

Well done, Tegan. Come on. Almost there.

Yes, and she banks the barbecue and the family tent.

Oh, she must be buzzing now.

-BUZZING

-Oh wait, that bee's back. Get off!

She stops the clock with a time of five minutes 30,

including penalties.

How was that?

Exhausting.

Do you think you've done it in a fast enough time? Are you hopeful?

Hopeful, but not counting on it, to be honest.

Let's go back to Jackie.

-Not again, not again...

-She's going back on again! Go on, Jackie.

Not again, she wants that trip to New York.

Just have a shake, drip dry a bit.

OK, go on, go on, go on.

# You're once...

-# Twice...

-Three in a row.

# Three times a lady...

# And I love you... #

This is Jeff.

He may be all smiles, but there's something very fishy about him.

Jeff, you love a bit of angling. What's your biggest catch?

-Erm, bit of carp, about 9lbs.

-Oh, impressive.

How are you going to tackle the course today?

-Like a salmon swimming upriver. Straight up.

-I love it, good luck.

Leap, Jeff! For goodness...hake!

-Whoohoo!

-Marvellous, channelling the salmon there.

# On a little dishy

# You shall have a fishy

# When the boat comes in... #

He's banked the cross trainer.

-He's going for the trip to New York.

-Right come on, trip to New York.

-Go on, like a salmon swimming upstream.

-Ooh!

# You shall have a salmon... #

Sadly, he didn't make it.

Now, Jackie's banked the radio at Stack 'Em High,

but it's the Wall Of Doom for her.

Oh, nice. Side saddle.

I think Jackie's mistaken this for the

'Idly Rubbing Your Thighs On A Large Cylindrical Foam Pad' round.

Easily done.

Jeff banked the internet radio and now he's at the Pole. Come on, Jeff.

Don't be coy.

Ooh.

Oh, no! Hook, line and stinker.

Right, let's see if he can tackle the bream.

Ah, nice one, Ash. Maybe Jeff's had his chips?

Yes, yes, he has.

Oh, is he stuck?

It's not as easy as it looks.

Is it going to be over and trout, for Jeff?

Jeff at the slide.

# ..when the boat comes in... #

Oh, so Jeff missed the espresso machine and the barbecue

but he banked the family tent and stops the clock

at 11.44, including penalties.

Very clever. Must be 'well-schooled'. Sorry. Sorry.

Oh, poor Jackie.

Looks like the Wall of Doom is doing exactly what it says on the tin.

Let's put a lid on that.

This plucky fellow is Richard from Antrim.

He lives by his own rules, nobody else's.

Richard, your motto apparently is to kiss yourself. What does that mean?

-It means keep it simple, stupid.

-"Keep it simple, stupid." I like it.

Can't think of a better strategy for this course.

Shoot Out!

KLAXON BLARES

CHEERING

I knew I was going to like this guy a lot

-when he turned up with those jazzy leg warmers.

-Look at him go.

Remember, keep it simple, Richard.

-Cross trainer banked.

-Yes. Go on!

New York in the bag.

Aaaaah!

Yes! Woohoo!

-Stays dry - mainly.

-Stack 'Em High now.

-Come on, Richard.

This is absurd, he's so fast. Woohoo!

Internet radio banked.

Richard making it all look very simple so far.

-Like a cat.

-He's so agile he could probably leap...

-Like a cat.

Wall of Doom, kiss goodbye.

I wouldn't try kissing this if I were you.

# Crying over you... #

What a smacker.

# Crying over you... #

Should have kept it simple, Richard.

-Richard, are you all right, my darling?

-Yeah.

# Simply irresistible... #

-He is absolutely fine.

-What's he made of?

Oooooh! Wow!

Oh, no! Ohhhhh!

Oh, no, he was doing so well!

# Simply irresistible... #

-Ah, a simple error.

-Just got cocky at the end.

I'm just... I'm actually speechless.

What is this guy made of?

Just a slide and the espresso machine and the BBQ.

Oh, he's kissed them both goodbye.

HOOTER SOUNDS

However, he banks the family tent and stops the clock at 3:25.

Phew. I need a cup of tea.

Are you all right after that Pole?

That was quite an incredible fall off the Pole there, backwards.

You just threw yourself at it.

I kind of gave it a little push and then I jumped it and it went,

whoops, it ain't happening.

-Legs over.

-You are superhuman.

Keep it simple.

Richard blasts through to the top spot with a time of 3:25.

Queen Bee Tegan buzzes into second place, over two minutes behind him.

Honest Pete shoots into fourth

and Jeff the Salmon takes fifth.

Jackie takes sixth place

and I actually think she's still at the Wall of Doom.

Still to come on Can't Touch This...

The Freaky Eater,

the Big Dipper,

the Dart, and the Colonel.

Will any of them make the top six and go on to leap for that car?

This is Tom from London.

Tom dreams about being in a musical,

so we're about to make his dreams come true.

Curtain's up.

Aaaaah!

Oh, bravo, Tom!

THEY LAUGH

-The vocals are out already.

-Tom is at the Travelator.

Oooh! Upstaged by a travelator.

-Ohhhh!

-Can he get up and make a recovery? Ohhh! No!

Nearly.

-He stopped himself again.

-He's got wet feet.

He's got one wet shoe. Only one wet shoe.

He really wants that trip to New York!

# New York, New York It's a wonderful town... #

-He's going again.

-He wants that trip to New York.

Ohhh!

Ooooh!

So no trip to New York, no Broadway,

but I hear Russ Abbott is still on in Derby, so you know...

Tom banked the radio so he could listen to his dance number...

With the Pole!

Ohhhhhh!

Hard.

Ouch.

Oh, encore!

That looks sore.

Ouch!

It's a fall of biblical proportions there from Tom.

Tom's at the Beam now.

Prepare yourself, Thomas.

-The punch bags are...

-Oooooh! Misses number one.

The second is coming.

-Oh!

-Some adoring fans in those punch bags.

They only want to touch him.

Here we go, the third.

# Consider yourself well in... #

Oh, he's banked the camera

but no flash photography in the auditorium, please.

Or on the motorway. More safety tips later.

Ohhh! Just missed him.

Narrow escape.

Now it's the Slide.

He bags the barbecue and the espresso machine

and picks up a family tent award.

We add one 30-second penalty,

making Tom's time 4:19, a promising debut.

No autographs please.

-How much fun was that?

-So much fun.

When you hit the water for the first time it just knocks the air

out of you.

This is Umar, a student from Manchester who is obsessed with,

wait for it...

Various kinds of cooked chicken.

I'm a big meat lover myself,

I'm just wondering what are some of your favourites?

-Fried chicken, cold chicken.

-OK.

-You know, the most.

Cheryl from Londonderry has an even stranger obsession,

eating whole chicken cubes.

What do you think of that, Umar?

Not amused. Chicken run! Umar!

I think the longest recorded chicken flight is 13 seconds.

You're joking.

Chicken cubes, I wonder if she has one in her mouth right now.

Oooo-eee! No.

Woohoo!

# ..for Umar.... #

Shake a tail feather, Cheryl.

Ohhh!

If she was a chicken, I'm sure she'd be gutted.

-Can he do the chicken run?

-Can he do the chicken run?

Um, no, he can't.

Come on, Cheryl, time to strut your stuff.

Oh, dear!

And back in the soup.

Some people say Stack 'Em High is easy.

But talk is cheap.

No, he's a no.

-Good choices there with the pieces.

-Pretty good.

-Yeah.

Careful, Cheryl, don't 'poulet' muscle.

Sorry. That was a 'fowl' joke.

-Yay!

-Banked the internet radio.

Ohhh! Ohhh!

-Oh, no, Umar, go on.

-Go on!

-Keep your balance.

-Go on.

-Yes!

-Ohhh! Look at that.

-I really do think that was possible.

How deep is that?

Look, he's seen the Pole, he's chickened out.

It's deep enough, if you fall in.

Think of it like a massive kebab.

Oh, skewered.

-Well tried, Umar.

-You all right, Umar?

-Oh, here we go.

Cheryl 'taking stock' of the situation.

-Ahhhhh!

-And into the fryer she goes.

I think it's time to kick the ridiculous up a notch.

SONG: Chick, Chick, Chick, Chick, Chicken

Chicken wing.

# Chick, chick, chick, chick, chicken, I want one for my tea... #

Oh!

Oh, oh! Umar, amazing! Amazing!

# ..lay a little egg for me

# Lay a little egg for me

# Cock-a-doodle-doodle-doo Lay a little egg for me. #

-Yay!

-He banks the camera.

Umar on the Slide now.

He banks the BBQ, that's something to crow about.

And stops the clock with 7:34, including penalties.

# Do the funky chicken now... #

Cheryl banks both prizes

and rules the roost with a time of 6:08 including penalties.

Cheryl, how was that?

Ohhh, I'm exhausted.

-I'm not surprised. It's tough. Good fun?

-Good fun but it's exhausting.

Think about the chicken you can grill on that barbecue.

Let's go get some later.

This cheerful face belongs to Aimee Smith, a lovely Brummee Mummee.

Also known as The Completer.

Now, Aimee, I understand you're called The Completer

because you always see things through to the end so how determined

-are you to finish the course today?

-I'm in it to win it.

I need to catapult my booty because I'm after that looty.

Shocker!

Catapult that booty!

To win that looty!

She's in.

-Can she get that booty out of the foam?

-She's in deep.

-Yes, she's out!

-She emerges

from the foam like a goddess.

Cross trainer incomplete.

She doesn't need a cross trainer anyway. She goes to clubercise.

Which is exercise in the dark with glow sticks.

Amazing. I'm well up for that.

Trip to New York, incomplete.

She just lays down.

I know, The Completer is not managing to complete!

Stack 'Em High.

# I'll climb any mountain. #

-BOING!

-Oh, dear.

Aimee is The Incompleter, one of the less famous

superhero characters.

Oh! She goes off face first.

She's back again.

And finally that's complete.

OK, The Pole. Hmmm.

She's going for it.

SCREAMING

# Never gonna give you up... #

Completed!

In the not-completed sense of the word.

The Beam now.

# Nothing's gonna stop us now. #

Course defeater, Aimee the Completer.

Oh, Zoe the rapper.

I'd really like to meet her

and then I'm going to treat her.

And I will never beat her.

Lost the Beam. No!

# Never gonna give you up

# Never gonna let you down. #

Aimee the Completer, the course defeater,

went on the Beam and it could have been neater.

OK, Ash, she had a bash. Aimee, did you have fun?

Ah, I'm done.

I know how you feel, love.

I read out leaderboards with my life.

Still in at the top is 'Keep It Simple' Richard

with 3:25,

followed closely by Tommy the Musical.

Honest Pete is ripe

for relegation at 6th place.

Sadly, Jeff the salmon

has gone off.

This is Big Chris from Manchester.

And this is Junior from Essex,

so one of their parents has a sense of humour.

# Mr Big Stuff... #

Let's get ready for...

Let's go.

Hurt them on telly!

-BUZZER

-Is he going to go deep?

-He's a big guy, is Chris.

-I know, he is.

Chris is out of the foam and off to the Travelator.

Can he bank the cross trainer?

Yes! He's banked the cross trainer.

Wow, cross trainer! Boom boom.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, no, big Chris missed out on the Big Apple.

Junior now. Tiny little man.

I've got high hopes for him.

Yeah, good. Oh, go on, Junior, go on!

Trip to New York in the bank!

Legs like gritting lorries.

One giant leap.

Aw!

Big Chris at Stack 'Em High now, can he bank the internet radio?

Boom!

Which is coincidently my favourite grime station.

Junior's at Stack 'Em High.

They're massive neck and massive neck.

He's not even stepping up, he's leaping up.

BOING!

I like his style.

And he's also banked the radio.

Chris at the Pole.

# At first I was afraid, I was petrified

# Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side... #

Can he tame it?

Ooh!

No, he can't even tame his own hair.

GROANING

Junior's at the Slide, can he bank

the espresso machine and the barbecue?

Yes, he can!

And that family tent he's always dreamed of.

-BUZZER

-Woo!

All prizes banked and an astonishing time

of 3:21.

But is it enough to beat Chris?

How was that for you? Did you enjoy that?

It was good. This pool was not warm.

-Well done, Junior, good work.

-Cheers.

Just the slide left. Can Chris bank the espresso machine and barbecue?

Espresso machine banked. He can go large on those lattes.

BUZZER

He banks the tent and stops the clock at 4:12.

-You're looking a bit smaller.

-Are you kneeling down there?

-Yes, sorry.

-Oh, there it is, there's the height! How tall are you?

-6'5".

-6'5".

Just not big enough to beat Junior.

CHEERING

Junior is now the big man

in the top spot.

Chris also makes the leaderboard,

but we lose Pete and Kirsty.

Meet Phai Dip. Say hello, Phai.

Now, Phai, I'm told you can cry on demand.

-That is an impressive skill.

-It's a good talent isn't it?

-It's useful.

-It's very useful when you want something.

So, do you think there will be any real tears tonight?

-Tears of joy.

-Phai, best of luck. Off to the catapult.

-Thank you.

Phai-r him!

-BUZZER

-That's his name, you see.

# It's my party and I'll cry if I want to... #

Whoa, in goes Phai.

De-Phai-ing gravity.

De-Phai-ing gravity there.

Has the surname "Dip".

-So Dip by name...

-Which he's going to do right now.

..and Dip by getting his bum wet.

Phai Dip takes a dip.

If you thought Phai's name was good for puns...

meet Paige!

First touch point for Paige.

# They call me hell, they call me Stacey, they call me her... #

It's a long way there for Paige.

First page is always a struggle.

She came off the travelator there. She stayed dry.

Trip to New York.

# They call me quiet but I'm a riot... #

And Paige is wet, which serves me right for reading The Great Gatsby

in this geothermal hot spring.

Phai's going for New York now.

He's not letting it...

Oh!

Keep going, go on, go on.

Oh, and...

..the double dip.

Well, Paige missed the cross trainer and the trip to New York.

Is she on the right page?

-Hey!

-Hey, thank you.

That's one page joke.

Oh, she's gone for the full stack.

Gosh, oh, gosh, Paige.

-Yes, banked.

-Well done!

Back with Phai.

And his tattoo, coincidently, reads "terrible balance" in Sanskrit.

Oh, my...

Now, taking a tumble is pretty much par for the course

at Can't Touch This.

So, now's a good time to let me introduce...

If you suddenly find yourself on a televisualised assault course,

you'll probably end up being a fall guy.

Here are some tips to help you through.

One - adopt a positive mental attitude.

Oh, there's no way is, there?

Oh, this is horrible!

How deep is that?

Two - if you do fall, try and roll with it.

SHRIEK

Three - style counts for everything.

But if all the above fails, whatever you do, don't try

and land on your head...

..or your face...

..or your chin...

or your bottom.

Ow!

Follow the above tips and soon you be hitting the mark again,

again, again, and again.

Back with Phai now.

Bounce.

Yes!

Where did he go?

Banked the internet radio.

Paige at the Pole now.

Holy crap.

-A chance to catch her breath.

-Rebound off the Pole vault there.

What can Phai do?

He's going to take a Phai Dip.

-SQUEAK

-Oh!

Boss it.

Phai defeated the Beam, just the espresso machine and barbecue now.

Oh, no, he misses them both

and stops the clock with a time of 6:48 including penalties.

Just the slide for Paige now.

She also misses both touch points but bags the tent

and stops the clock with a time of 7:54 including penalties.

-Paige.

-Hi, Ashley.

-You completed it.

-Just.

I got hit in the face. It took my breath away completely.

On the Pole vault. Yeah. Yeah, you slipped right off it. Boing!

-I just whacked it.

-Knocked you right in the face.

Sadly Phai and Paige

don't make the leaderboard.

But Junior still stays at number one.

Tegan is in sixth place

but with one contestant left she's in danger of buzzing off.

So it's goodbye to Chicken King Umar. Plucked in his prime.

It's a cheerio to cheerleader Kirsty and her pants.

Honest Pete gets the red card.

Angler Jeff, it's back to your spawning ground.

Aimee,

Paige,

Jackie

and Phai, it's goodbye.

Thanks, guys. It's been touching.

Now, this Silver Fox is 55-year-old Eugene from Dungannon.

Eugene, you like to keep your body and mind in check by playing darts.

Will you fly like an arrow around the course tonight?

It should be easy today. I think I'll go for two treble 20s,

and a bull's-eye to finish.

I can't wait. Get you to the catapult. Good luck, my darling.

Throw!

-Bull's-eye!

-And he's off.

Silver Fox, Eugene, has banked the trip to New York so far

and darts straight over to Stack 'Em High.

Impressive start.

-Sturdy.

-Easy!

Internet radio, in the bank.

Oh, no, he's hit a wall.

He's an advert for us all to get out and do some fitness.

Exactly.

Out of the foxhole and up to the Pole.

Look at this, he's flying.

After an impressive start, how will Eugene tackle the Pole?

Like a fox.

180 degree spin around the Pole.

Classic.

-Are you all right there, Eugene?

-Yeah, cool.

-Yes, he's good.

He's a soldier. Keep going, Eugene.

Eugene on the Beam now.

Oh, my goodness, he is a superhero!

-He forgot the touch point.

-He doesn't want that.

He doesn't even need that prize. Camera? He's got loads.

It's the Silver Fox on the slide.

All he has to do it beat Tegan's time of 5.30

to get in the top six.

Misses the double top but he does nab the tent

and stops the clock for a total of

4 minutes, 49 seconds with penalties

and that's enough to get him in the top six.

What a noisy bunch they were today. It was like being at the zoo.

-Very noisy indeed.

-Whatever helps you along the way though.

Strong performances on the Travelator,

particularly Richard and Tom.

Only the six fastest progress to round two.

Let's check out who has made it through.

In at number one is Junior with a time of 3:21.

The number two slot is 'Keep It Simple' Richard with 3:25.

Big Chris is third with 4:12.

It's a sad tale for Tommy the Musical.

He picked up an injury during the performance

and won't be joining us for act two.

So into fourth place goes silver fox Eugene, with a time of 4:49.

Cheryl is fifth with a time of 5:08.

And the next fastest time after Cheryl is Queen Bee Tegan

so she replaces Tommy in the final six.

This round is another test of speed, agility and nerves.

And it's very simple. It starts with six and it ends with three.

It all kicks off on Spinning Platforms,

which, as you can imagine, start spinning.

From the platforms, contestants move on to Clamber Crossing.

They clamber across the crossing, hence the name,

to a set of touch points

which banks the games console.

But there are only five touch points,

so one contestant will miss out and leave the game.

After a very quick sit down, they're off again, through the water

and up the uneven stairs, to the rings,

as they attempt to make their way to the four touch points to bank

the tennis rackets.

Five into four don't go, so another contestant will be eliminated,

before they set off again to the Dropping Ropes.

It's an odd but apt name as not all the ropes are connected.

So contestants must choose the right one to

swing across to the pontoon, otherwise they drop.

Finally, they make their way to the end podium, and bank a laptop.

But there only three touch points,

which means another contestant will be eliminated

leaving our final three.

Have they been spinning all this time?

I'm so sorry. I was just putting my hair into a beehive.

The bees weren't happy at all.

Anyway, let's get started.

-Their heads are spinning, their legs are wobbling.

-I think it's time.

-Cue the klaxon.

-KLAXON

And they're off!

Richard's right through.

Even got time for some acrobatics.

Oh, beautifully done.

And he banks the games console. Boom! Simples.

Silver Fox Eugene is next.

Junior, then Big Chris.

Queen Bee Tegan banks the console as well.

Cheryl?

What have you done with Cheryl?

Cheryl, what are you doing, my lovely?

Oh, she thinks it's a hammock.

Care to see that again?

Cheryl gets tangled up with Big Chris.

Well, only one outcome there, really.

It would actually appear that Cheryl actually fell into Big Chris's shoe.

What dreadful luck.

Ah, that's Cheryl's Prince Charming to Chris's Cinders.

Thank you, Cheryl.

Still not going to get to the ball.

Just relax guys because...

I'm going to tip your chairs!

'Keep It Simple' Richard's off first and he's up the stairs.

Richard is first to the rings.

Oh, no!

Oh, no, he didn't keep it simple.

Richard!

-Oh!

-OK.

Oh, and he's up.

And banks the rackets.

So does Junior.

Three left.

Big Chris makes a run for it.

Oh, no.

All that man must be hard to hold up.

You can do it, Chris!

Oh, no, Chris is down.

We've lost Chris through the rings.

Chris has got his shirt off and is riding in foam,

just an ordinary evening in for him then.

Can he get to the ladder in time to get back to the race?

Tegan and Eugene are on fire!

Now THAT would be a game show.

-Is it going to be Tegan?

-It's going to be Tegan and Eugene!

Big Chris knows he can't make it.

Silver Fox Eugene banks the rackets

and so does Tegan.

Bad luck, Big Chris. Man mountains of love, my friend.

So six have become four and soon will become three.

Did my agent negotiate that?

One word for you guys. Watch out for the ropes!

All right.

Brilliant start for Keep it Simple Richard.

Sorry, Richard. We did warn you about those ropes.

He's so far ahead. Look at him go!

Junior and Tegan have made our synchronised swimming team.

Eugene!

Eugene's found a dropping rope.

Cool!

Junior hits a wall.

Come on, Tegan.

Oh, such a buzz kill.

Eugene just hanging around

and very kindly passes the rope to Junior.

But it doesn't help.

Come on, help a man out.

How kind, Richard.

Easy to be kind, of course, when you're ahead.

Come on, Tegan. You've got everything to play for.

Will Silver Fox Eugene become a flying fox?

Oh, Eugene!

Come on, Eugene!

He's in second, he banks the computer.

Just Junior and Tegan now.

I'm not sure they've got the hang of this.

-Oh, no!

-Oh, no, this is a proper battle.

It couldn't be closer.

Tegan takes the initiative and...

she's going to beat Junior to last place.

CHEERING

Aw, cheer up, Junior. It might never... Oh, it has. Sorry.

So, goodbye, Junior. You can hold your head up high.

The ropes are a killer.

They're harder than they look,

especially when you fall in that water.

There's minimal chance of you getting back up there.

Bye-bye, Big Chris, all stonking 6'5" of you.

The rings got the better of me.

Just went bull in a china shop

and obviously that wasn't the method.

Slow and steady wins the race.

I was left in the foam, absolutely wounded. Gutted.

And it's ciao to Cheryl.

Your stock has definitely gone up in our opinion.

It's coming and having fun,

and I got to the final six so it's fantastic.

I'm definitely backing Tegan to jump for the car.

They've all worked so hard to get here.

But for two of them, it's the end of the road.

Let's find out who's marching on to glory. It's time to climb.

Spin Mountain is where three become one

because, as we all know, there can be only be one!

Each contestant has to find and collect their three uniquely

coloured discs and return them to their podiums in order

from these three rotating rings.

Only then can they climb up Spin Mountain, which is spinning,

to touch the touch point and bank a very nice quad bike.

But watch out - some of those handholds are on bungee cords,

which, all going well, will result in some full-on comedy bants.

Well, we can always hope.

And they're off!

Richard's off to kiss the mountain.

Tegan bumbles in.

This reminds me of picking up my luggage at Luton after

a weekend away with Zoe.

Not really sure what Eugene is up to

but Richard's already on his first disc.

Oh, Tegan just misses hers.

Thanks for joining us, Eugene.

One down for Richard.

Some garden-variety mayhem here.

Disc two's in sight for Richard.

Oh, did they rehearse that? Very deft.

'Keep It Simple' Richard's already placing his second.

Oh, this is embarrassing. Somebody throw in the towel.

Eugene is on the board.

Richard's already got his third disc and he's off to Spin Mountain.

Might be too late, Tegan.

Richard's right up it, no trouble!

I think he's got one of these at home.

We have a winner!

'Keep It Simple' Richard has done it and banked the quad.

Well done.

-You were like Speedy Gonzales. Vroom!

-How are you feeling?

-I feel all right.

-Oh, your voice has gone very high.

-Aye!

-I've been practising.

-You've done it. Last one standing.

Richard, you have worked so hard today to bank the prizes.

But can Richard keep that winning streak going,

touch those prizes and take them home? That is the question.

Let's hope! Wooo! Come on!

Wow. Gone deaf in one ear.

He can definitely do this. It's time for the Travelator.

It's official - Richard is the man of the mountain.

Richard was so fast.

I was lying on my back and he was just running circles round me.

I never seen him from the start to the finish.

-I look up and I already seen him sitting there.

-Already won.

I'm glad Richard got through.

I couldn't think of a more dedicated guy to get through to the final.

The best man won.

So up here are all the prizes that Richard has banked tonight.

-There's a cross trainer.

-Trip to New York.

-Internet radio.

-A camera.

-Family Tent.

-Games console.

-Tennis rackets.

-Laptop.

-And a quad bike.

Wow. Just how many is Richard going home with?

So I've hung all the prizes Richard banked in the previous

rounds above this fast-moving Travelator.

Richard has 60 seconds to touch as many of them as he can.

Of course, everything he touches, he wins.

All right, Richard. This is it. How you feeling?

-Feeling great, feeling great. Ready to run.

-I bet he is.

-He is.

-You know Richard is ready to run.

-You can feel it, you can feel it.

You have 60 seconds to touch and win your nine prizes.

Good luck, Richard. Take your position.

-Good luck, Richard.

-Thank you.

There they all are, Richard's banked prizes.

It won't be easy.

That's why we call this show Can't Touch This,

not CAN Touch This.

Cue the klaxon.

KLAXON

A blistering start.

That's a double hit on the New York trip and quad bike.

Games console and tennis rackets,

followed smartly by the computer.

He's not even going to need the full time.

Cross trainer and internet radio.

The camera and the family tent.

That's nine prizes.

You didn't even need the whole time we gave you. You did it in seconds.

Oh, my goodness. It was unreal.

Richard, I can tell you that you've won nine prizes.

-Woo!

-He's happy.

Cross trainer, trip to New York, an internet radio, a camera,

a family tent, a games console, tennis rackets, a laptop

and a quad bike.

There's one more thing that can make you happier. It's up there.

-You know what it is, don't you?

-Yeah, looking forward to this.

Like everything you've won tonight, to win it, you've got to touch it.

-How up for it are you?

-I'm really up for it. Come on!

Oh, my gosh. This guy. Let's jump for the car.

If Richard can make one more fantastic leap

and touch the car, he can drive it away...

once he's detached it from our specialised lighting rig.

OK, now we're standing up here and you can see it, it's just there,

what are you thinking, Richard?

What is your approach going to be?

Jump as far as I can and fly like a bird.

-I really want you to do it. Good luck, my darling.

-Thank you.

OK, get ready.

So, here we go.

One contestant, one car, one giant leap.

Richard, best of luck.

In your own time, jump for the car.

Thank you. Ooh!

One Jump.

One chance.

One car.

KLAXON

He did it! Richard has won himself a brand-new car!

Effortless!

CHEERING

Well done, Richard!

Cue the slow motion repeat.

I want to watch this again and again and again.

Hang on. I think this Betamax is stuck in a loop.

Guys? Guys?!

CHEERING

Yeah, yeah!

Well done, man! Well done!

You're unbelievable. Never with one hand, with both hands.

Unreal. That's unreal. I cannot believe that.

How did that feel to run, jump off that platform and touch the car?

Just fly and fall. Fly and fall.

That is it until next time when we're back with more contestants,

more prizes, and another touching show.

Till then, stay in touch.

Say goodbye, Sue.

-Hello!

-Bye, guys.

-Unreal.

Woo!