Episode 6 Can't Touch This

One rule - touch the prize, win the prize.

But doing that takes a whole load of this...

..a ridiculous amount of this...

..and absolutely masses of this.

-This is... BOTH:

-Can't Touch This!

Hello, I'm Zoe Ball.

And I'm Ashley Banjo, and welcome to Can't Touch This.

As we speak, our contestants

are gearing themselves up, going through their pre-match rituals

and doing whatever it takes

to prepare themselves for an incredible challenge.

Their aim is to make it through the course

touching as many touch-points as they can

and winning prizes galore, including the big one, a brand-new car.

But our course is an unforgiving monster -

just who are these fearless adventurers about to set foot on it?

Good question. Perhaps our colleague and voice from the skies,

Sue Perkins, can tell us?

Yes, she'll be accompanying our contestants every step,

stumble and splash of the way

in her brilliantly eloquent and erudite style. Over to you, Sue.

Thank you indeedily doodily, Zoe.

Now, let's meet tonight's contestants.

They're brave, they're bold,

their next of kin have no idea they're here.

Within the ranks - a royal maid who blinks when she winks...

the itchy nose man...

and a wannabe pirate searching for booty.

They're all hoping they can touch this tonight.

And it all starts here.

Our catapult sends our contestants on a short

but exhilarating flight into a foam pit.

Then, it's on to the travelator - high above is the first touch-point.

Touch it and bank a laptop -

just great for watching cats doing amusing things.

Also on the travelator, the second touch-point,

which banks a trip to Paris - great for watching French cats, or Cats.

But one misstep on the travelator and you'll be in the drink.

Then, it's a short trip to Stack 'Em High -

just build a tower to reach touch-point number three

and bank some headphones. Now you can really hear voices in your head.

Then take the mighty pole across the water to the beam.

Dodge the swinging punch bags to reach the fourth touch-point

and bank a family tent.

Listen to your mum snore for up to three hours.

Next, it's down the slide to the two swinging touch-points

which bank a smartphone and a drone.

Perfect if you want a smartphone and a drone.

Last touch-point stops the clock and banks a washing machine.

That's your weekend sorted.

For each touch-point they've missed, they get a 30-second penalty

and whoever gets through to the end of the show

gets a chance to win what they've banked.

Thems the rules, don't blame me, I only came here to get out the rain.

So, that's round one. If we were American,

we'd probably say, "Awesome!"

But as Brits we prefer, "Crikey!"

So let's find out which lucky contestant

is first for the catapult.

First up is bouncy Bethany, who flies through the air

with the greatest of ease.

Well, it's good to know your strengths.

Bethany, you have won medals for trampolining,

so how will you bounce your way round this course

with a spring in your step at the end?

I'm going to try and finish with a hop, skip and a jump.

An award-winning trampoliner! Finally we have someone

who won't overreact to being flung out the catapult.

Launch it!

-BETHANY SCREAMS

-Oh! That was a big scream!

Good scream!

I don't remember trampolining being so noisy.

What's all the fuss about, Bouncy Beth?

You're meant to be a professional.

-Oh, my God!

-First touch-point banks a laptop.

I mean, she does not know what she's in for, does she?

-Right.

-Ooooh!

-BETHANY SHRIEKS

-Ooh! Just missed it, so no laptop,

but she does pick up a 30-second time penalty.

And an open fracture.

Second touch-point banks a trip to Paris. If you make it there,

you can make it anywhere.

Earplugs in for Bethany.

Oop!

And it's auf Wiedersehen to Paris.

It's so hard to get up that thing when you're soaking wet.

On to Stack 'Em High.

-Go on, Bethany!

-Come on, Bethany!

-Loving the screaming!

BETHANY SHRIEKS AND GRUNTS

Very vocal.

Now it's time to see Beth's jumping skills in action.

If she can touch that hanging touch-point,

she'll bank a set of headphones.

She's tall enough for that, definitely.

Oh, those jumping lessons really paying off.

A little bit of power plate there. Really works the gluteals.

Ooh, Beth, no, I wouldn't go that way.

No, that's the, er, that's the Wall of Dooooom!

Oh, no, actually, that's fine. That's the way you have to go.

All right, yeah, she's tipping it on the side. All right.

# Shake, shake, shake, senora Shake it all the time... #

Now, she's got some big legs, so...

-Never say that to a woman.

-Never say that to a woman.

-"She's got big legs"!

-Possibly the worst thing you can say to a woman.

-Long. Long legs.

-She's got long legs! She's got strong legs.

Strong, long legs.

Such a way with words.

Sadly, the wrong way.

-Nice.

-I told you. See?

-Look at that!

Bouncy Beth has bested the wall, but now she faces the pole vault.

And by "faces"...

I mean "falls awkwardly into a shallow pool

"of dangerously overchlorinated water".

She kinda just slid down it!

She did keep her face above water, though. That's good.

I'd get out of there quickly. Your skin can burn.

-One more degree and there'd be ice on the top, I tell you.

-Yeah!

On to the beam.

Those five punchbags are waiting to bounce her into oblivion.

The touch-point hidden sneakily under the beam

banks the family tent.

Ooooh! That was close.

Got to really want a family tent to do this, haven't you?

OK...

Oh!

Oh, good save!

Oh, she's come so far.

It would be cruel to see her drop at the last moment.

And she banks the tent!

And cleverly stops the final punchbag with her face.

Haven't seen that done before.

Repeated battering on the noggin. Good work, Bethany. She's good!

How do you think she looks, Zoe?

Exhausted, but all she's got to do is slide down a slide. Easy.

Ah, but not so easy to reach the two swinging touch-points,

which bank a smartphone and a drone. Don't want to mix those up.

Look a bit of a fool flying a phone around the park.

Or a drone, come to think of it.

She misses those but stops the clock and banks the washing machine.

We add three 30-second penalties, one for each touch-point missed,

giving Bouncy Beth a grand total

of 5 minutes 33 seconds.

We know that you love athletics, trampolining

and you're very sporty, but how was that for you?

Solid!

-Solid?

-Yeah!

That's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life!

Next we have Terry. Terry is a hospital technician

who's had over 100 stitches on his face.

# That's life... #

Well, he needed the practice.

Fling him!

MUSIC: Tragedy by the Bee Gees

Here he goes.

Oh, and he's off!

Now let's see how many stitches he'll need after the travelator.

Oh-ho! Oh, yes, laptop banked.

Face spanked.

And leg... Ooh, yanked. Ow.

Not a great start, but he's back up, and if he's careful...

he c... Oh, dear.

# With no-one to love you you're going nowhere... #

Well, he's persevering, I'll give him that.

# Tragedy... #

-Go on.

-I think that's the hip that shattered.

-Go, go, go.

-Keep going!

Ah.

Drat.

Stack 'Em High now.

Oh, Terry, the little one? Really?

Doubtful whether he can go for this, but he's a brave man.

-# That's life

-That's what all the people say... #

-Yay! He did it.

-No problem!

He banked the headphones. I'll tell you what, I am an idiot.

Now, the little piece worked for him once. Will it work again?

No, it won't.

# When I'm back on top... #

No, you've just made that harder.

I tell you what, let's leave Terry to have a bit of a think.

This is Neil from Newtownards in Northern Ireland.

He's a rugby player and dog lover, but not just any dog.

Scooby-Doo. He's an all-time favourite.

When I was six or seven, I went to Orlando and had a bit of a scene.

I walked around a corner and there he was with the Mystery Machine,

and I just passed out on the spot with the paramedics all around me.

-You passed out over Scooby-Doo?

-They thought it was heatstroke,

-but, no, that was Scooby-Doo.

-I can remember.

OK, Scooby-Doo, we need you to fetch that touch-point. Ruhh?

# We got some work to do now... #

-Hey!

-Yikes! He banks the laptop.

-CARTOON RUNNING NOISES

-And he's off.

Can he bank the trip to Paris?

-Yes!

-Yes, he can! Easy!

Ruh-roh! He's going to make it.

Oh! That was more Scooby-Don't.

Straight into the wall.

Watch out, Scooby, someone's on your tail.

Just like the cartoon, it's Paul the construction company credit manager.

If Neil uncovers the secrets of the old obstacle course,

Old Man Paul will be ruined!

He's not that old, but, hey, this is a Scooby-Doo parody.

Neil's at Stack 'Em High.

MUSIC: Wacky Races theme

Neil's up on his hind legs for the headphones...

-Ooooh...

-Quick!

Yes! He banked it.

..and banked them. Meanwhile, Old Man Paul's at the travelator.

Ooh! Misses the laptop. He'll be raging!

Do you know what? That was a pretty good fall.

-It was a good fall.

-OK.

Back to Scooby Neil at the Wall of Dooooom.

Old Man Paul's not giving up, though.

Oh, so close!

Oh, no!

This is so frustrating, this bit.

Zoinks!

Catching up on Scooby Neil...

He's not giving up.

-He's up and over!

-Woohoo! Go, Neil!

Somebody give that man a Scooby Snack.

Yeah!

Headphones banked, and it looks like Old Man Paul hasn't given up yet.

Creepers!

He tried to jump the pole vault!

Old Man Paul's right behind him.

Oh, aqua smash!

Ouch!

He's done very well across the course so far.

Been a bit Scrappy, mind you...!

Make a run for it, Scooby Neil, he's right on your tail!

Look at that! Oh!

But he hit the touch-point!

That was like a slam dunk!

Banked the family tent. Good boy!

He ran across it. "Ahhhh! Goooosh!"

Go, Neil!

Now Old Man Paul has him cornered.

Oh, go, go, go.

Yes!

Oh, no!

-Amazing! It's amazing!

-Bob and weave.

-Hold tight. Hold down.

Don't get him, don't get him.

And Paul banks the tent as well.

Can Scooby-Doo it? Here we go.

Yes, he can. Banks both!

And Paul...misses both.

Scooby Neil stops the clock at 3:26 with no penalties,

uncovering the secrets of the ol' obstacle course.

And at 7:35 after penalties,

Old Man Paul is going away for a loooong time.

He would've made it

if it hadn't been for those pesky kids.

MUSIC: Everybody Hurts by REM

Back to Tragic Terry.

Is that his real name?

This'll be it. This'll be it.

Here he goes.

Ah, good, yes!

Ooh, he's up at the pole.

Now, what could possibly go wrong?

I know. It's hideous.

Oh, oooooh!

MUSIC: Stayin' Alive by the Bee Gees

No, it's OK, because he knows how to do his own stitches.

Every negative has a positive.

# Stayin' alive... #

Can he outmanoeuvre the punchbags and bank himself a family tent?

-No, he can't.

-No, he can't.

Let's give him a minute there to compose himself

and pop his face back on.

Roxii has just got out of prison.

OK, she's a prison officer, not an inmate.

Her only crime is being awesome!

And a spot of treason.

# ..dancing to the jailhouse rock... #

And that's why they call it the slammer.

But she's made a run for it.

Banked a trip to Paris!

Can she jump the moat?

-And... Oh!

-Oh, not quite!

It was a great attempt, though!

Sorry, Jailbird Roxii, our course is a fortress.

Of cheap neoprene.

# ..dancing to the jailhouse rock... #

Quickly, Roxii, I can hear the dogs.

Oh, she's gone for two.

# ..there's gonna be a jailbreak... #

She's banked the headphones!

# Somewhere in the town... #

Now, she's tall. Has she got the strength?

# ..there's gonna be a jailbreak... #

Just willing her.

-No.

-Not quite.

-But she's landed on the answer, I think, there.

-Yeah!

-It sounds so simple, doesn't it, "get over the wall"?

-It does.

It looks so easy.

-Go, Roxii, you're there.

-Yes, she's up.

-Go on, Roxii.

Nice work, darling.

Freedom is so close she can smell it.

Ooh, that's probably me. I'm sorry, I've been locked in here for weeks.

She's going down.

# Breakout! #

OK, let's see if Roxii can walk the line.

Throw the book at her!

Or the punchbags. Whatever you've got.

She can take a beating, that one, and banks it!

On to the slide.

Nearly a nasty slip down the slide there.

She's off.

And misses the smartphone and the drone,

but with an incredible time of 5:51 including penalties,

jailbird Roxii's well on her way

to sipping cocktails over the border.

Now, Roxii, my dear, you are stronger than you look.

That was harder than it looked!

Oop, Terry's back. This man will not be conquered.

Neither will his armpit hair.

# So take a look at me now... #

Oh, look at that wet pelt. Rrrraow!

With a time of 8:45 including penalties,

it wasn't all good.

But, on the bright side, he now has more time

to spend with his injuries.

-How was that?

-I just couldn't do it.

-It's not all bad.

-Ah, sure.

-Do you want to do it again?

No.

There's a new sheriff in town. This arresting gentleman is Ashley,

and he brought his fingerguns.

Pow!

MUSIC: William Tell Overture by Rossini

How are you feeling about the course?

Not too bad. A little bit confident.

Don't want to say too much just in case I mess it up.

It's like a big soft play, isn't it?

Soft play? Sure.

If you're the kind of parent who leaves a child in a catapult.

Throw!

Wheee!

If his name's anything to go by, he's going to smash this course.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Look!

-Great start!

He's up, banked himself the laptop.

Come on, Ashley! Get that trip to Paris.

Along!

And Sheriff Ashley banks the trip to Paris.

Oh, can he make the jump?

Oh, so nearly!

Right, wrangled the Wall of Doom, but can he lasso the pole?

Yee...

no.

# Rollin', rollin', rollin' Though the streams are swollen

# Keep them dogies rollin' Rawhide!... #

Not all Ashleys are the same.

Sheriff Ashley is positively beaming

and beaming positively!

Oh, he held it!

Nice save!

He was literally on his toes there.

# Keep them dogies movin' Rawhide!... #

Bending down and...

Oh, yes! Banks the tent!

And falls off his mount.

# He rode a blazing saddle... #

Oh, he'll be gutted with that, for sure.

He's let me down.

Luckily, his time is good

and if he can get the final three touch-points...

Yes!

His time of 3:22 fires Sheriff Ashley

straight to the top of the leaderboard,

only seconds in front of Scooby Neil

and more than five minutes ahead of Tragic Terry, who's

hanging on to the final spot by a stitch.

Still to come on Can't Touch This,

the man who blinks when he winks,

the lioness

and the parkour poet.

Will any of them make the top six and go on to leap for that car?

MUSIC: Good Vibrations by the Beach Boys

Say hello to Andy. He works at the beach and would love a pirate ship.

He can have mine. I'm bored of it.

Andrew, you're a sand sculptor, hence the name Sandy Andy,

which I like. What's the biggest creation you've ever made?

I made the world's largest sand sofa.

-That's interesting!

-It was about 15 foot high.

Well, that's one way to kill an afternoon. Sandblast him!

ANDY SHOUTS OUT

Nice, manly scream there from Andy.

-# ..I get around... #

-Andy scoops himself from the foam

not the least bit "shell"-shocked.

OK, can he bank the laptop?

Yes, he can!

And a trip to Paris?

Well, his knees are working.

Haven't seen knees like that.

Oh, it was close.

Close but no cig-ARRRRR.

That's a pirate joke.

I say joke...

# Wouldn't it be nice...? #

Stack 'Em High now.

-A sculpture from Sandy Andy.

-Building a Stack 'Em High sculpture.

-Yeah, first time.

-And he's banked it.

I once sculpted Eamonn Holmes in sand.

He was NOT happy about it.

-A mountain...

-He's moving the whole thing!

Quite impressive!

Oh, now, I like this.

That is actually probably the best sculptural piece we've ever

-seen on Stack 'Em High. Look at that.

-It is! It is.

I hope it holds for him.

# Wouldn't it be nice?... #

-Ah! Look at that.

-Easy.

-Created his own little staircase.

Not a Stairway to Heaven, though, it's a staircase to a horrible pole.

He's done a 180 there.

Whoa!

Ooh... Now, I'm not an expert. That's going to smart, though.

OK, Sandy Andy has banked the family tent. Now he's on the slide.

Looking like a really good time.

# I get around Get around, round, round... #

Oh, yes, banks the last three prizes,

stopping the clock at 3:33 after penalties.

Say hello to Sheila, who was once a housemaid at Buckingham Palace.

How are you going to get through the course today, do you think,

and become Can't Touch This royalty, Sheila?

Ooh, well, I shall try and maintain my dignity and royal decorum.

I mean, it won't be me body, so it'll be me brain, if anything.

OK.

End her dignity!

SHEILA SHRIEKS

-Like a screeching car there.

-That was quite an incredible launch.

Nice and leisurely, there, for Sheila.

Sheila... Oh!

A bit of pomp and circumstance but no laptop, sadly.

But at least she has time for a bath, which is nice.

Goes in for a royal flush.

-Hey-hey!

-You all right there, Sheila?

-Don't do the royal wee in it.

-Sheila, you OK?

OK, trip to Paris now.

SHEILA SCREAMS

I love it! She's such a big screamer.

Oh, another bath.

Let's give Sheila a minute or two to compose herself.

Or longer, if she needs it.

This is Eddie Murphy, the multi-award-winning stand-up...

Oh, hang on, no, sorry, it's Eddie Murphy from Macclesfield.

Eddie, you're a member of the James Bond fan club.

Now, how do you think he would approach our course?

-AS SEAN CONNERY:

-Well, Mr Banjo, he'd be shaken but not stirred.

Well, Eddie, I cannot wait to see you take it on, my friend.

-It's time to get catapulting.

-Let's get it on.

-Good luck.

I didn't know James Bond was Hungarian.

Catapult!

Ready, Eddie, off he goes.

Ohhh, did he enjoy that? Is he going to come up smiling?

-Is he going to come up?

-Good point.

MUSIC: James Bond theme

-Oh, yes!

-Yeah, we've got him. He's surfaced.

-Go on, Eddie.

Let's give Eddie a chance to Bond with the foam.

Help.

Say hello to Kacey. She's a children's entertainer from Essex.

Oh, no, she isn't!

She...she is.

-Here she goes.

-She's taking a run-up.

MUSIC: The Sailor's Hornpipe

Oh, don't try this at home kids. Oh!

Unless your parents are out, in which case I say go for it.

She's still smiling, though.

She is still smiling. That was quite a thwack.

All right, slippery feet. What can she do here?

It's like ice skating now.

I wonder if anyone will ever manage to do the travelator on all fours.

Stack 'Em High for Kacey.

-Ooh, niftily done.

-Yeah! She did it! Banked the headphones.

Wall of Doom...

-Yes!

-She's up!

-She has conquered it!

Only to discover the pole vault...

She's discovered the pole vault!

I can't do this bit.

I don't blame you, love, it's ridiculous.

No? Don't worry.

Sheila's at the royal pole.

-It's a long way.

-It is a long way. It is a long way.

Well, we're not going to make it easy, are we?

-No.

-No?

-She's not up for it either!

To be fair, we did tell them they were appearing on Pointless.

What we need now is a hero.

MUSIC: Sharp Dressed Man by ZZ Top

Eddie in the shreddies has made it out of the foam.

Off to the travelator.

-Come on, Eddie.

-Come on, Eddie!

Ooh, and that's the major organs gone.

# Every girl crazy 'bout a sharp-dressed man... #

A valiant effort from Eddie, but the course proved too much for him,

which means Ashley's still top gun and it looks like Sandy Andy has

thrown Tragic Terry overboard,

which makes Old Man Paul the one to beat.

# I've got the eye of the tiger... #

This lioness is Steph. She likes roller derby,

climbing without ropes and pulling wheelies on her unicycle.

She's up against Hansa, a boxer, rugby player and full-time mother.

Which one of them has the eye of the tiger?

Neither, I hope. That's cruel.

# Everybody get up... #

Yes!

Brilliant face plant! She clearly trained very hard for that one.

She banked the laptop and she's up! Can she stay up?

-No, she can't.

-No time to splash about, Steph...

Ooh, the water's cold.

..because here comes Hansa!

Oh, that's a technical knockout on the travelator.

Can she get up in time?

Not quite.

Back to Steph.

-She's got that speed.

-Hence the balance.

-Yes!

-Look at that! Not even a stumble!

-She's got two touch-points.

Maybe a little one.

Just taking a little lift back.

She's all over the place!

Bound to be easier now you're nice and wet and slippery.

Running on the travelator wet is so tough.

Straight in.

They both banked the headphones, but are they tough enough for the pole?

She's tough. She's tough, but is she that tough?

-She didn't really go for it. Just jumped off, didn't she?

-Jumped in.

MUSIC: Eye Of The Tiger by Survivor

Oh, God!

Can Hansa beat the pole? Let me translate from the Spanish.

"No."

Got some serious slap on her arms there.

Steph's at the beam.

Oh, she tricked punchbag two and three.

Delicate work...

Can she do it?

Gone for the straddle.

She can!

Deep bend. Good luck getting up from that.

Very well-deserved family tent in the bank.

Hansa has a different approach.

Just...just hold on and wait for all the punchbags

to stop hitting you in the body.

But she banks it. The family tent is hers.

She'll be too bruised to enjoy it.

Back to Steph.

Banked every prize so far, so can she get the last three?

All that timing. Here she goes.

Ooh, she's missed them both!

# The eye of the tiger... #

Our lioness stops the clock with 6:35 after penalties.

Hansa's turn.

Ooh, she misses them too!

She stops the clock at 6:38 after penalties.

Ah, that was tough. That was really tough.

-It is tough.

-It's good fun, though.

-That was scary!

-Parts of it are scary, aren't they?

Really scary, really scary.

Next up is Emma Louise, a nurse who once resuscitated a fish.

Grabbed a straw, couple of wee blows into the fish, wee pumps,

fish came back to life!

Well, hopefully, after round one

you won't need resuscitating with a straw.

Last time I take her for sushi.

Now, this is for the laptop.

It's a long way to that...

MUSIC: The Power of Love by Huey Lewis and the News

Dunked head first. Get the straw. Get the straw!

Missed the laptop, but can she bank the trip to Paris?

Nein! Good thing about nurses, they have a lot of "patients".

Unfortunately, that's all she has so far,

although we are now testing her for hypothermia.

Onwards to Stack 'Em High or, as I call it,

An Awful Lot Of Work For A Pair Of Headphones.

Can she do it?

Ah! I see it.

Yes!

She's done it. Florence Nightingale would be proud,

if a little confused.

-Can she get up with just one?

-I'm not sure.

Emma's having a bit of trouble here.

So methinks this could be a charming moment for...

Sitting alone in your attic

longing to climb a large grey wall on BBC One?

Well, have I got a guide for you!

I have, actually.

The concept is rather simple.

If you're tall, use your height.

If you're short, use your brain.

And if you're lucky, do this.

You won't get up the wall by just standing there, so don't try that.

If you've made a mistake, learn from it. Not like this guy!

MUSIC: Go Your Own Way by Fleetwood Mac

Or this guy.

Or this guy!

Falling looks funny...

..but it really doesn't help you get to the top.

And, unless you're Spider-Man,

I wouldn't try with just the little yellow one.

Keep these tips in mind

and you'll be climbing game-show walls in no time.

Next week, I'll be telling you how to get down.

Until then, stay strong.

Nurse Emma's at the pole.

Ooh!

Leap!

Not a good prognosis, but she bounced back.

Literally.

# You make heaven a place on earth... #

Time for the beam now.

Narrow escape.

Don't dodge 'em, Em, give 'em a jab.

Ooh, nearly took the legs out.

Ooh, she misses the family tent!

Lands herself in quarantine.

Bless her, she tried so hard.

Just the slide now. Can Nurse Emma finish her rounds in time?

Oh, it's a miss!

With 6:58 including penalties,

looks like Nurse Emma won't make the charts.

Come back in two weeks if you don't see an improvement.

This is Micky from Essex, and this is James from Essex.

You know what they say about Essex boys!

They're about 40 minutes outside London.

But which one is the Es-sexiest?

James Essex first.

And Micky Essex.

James at the travelator first...

and banks the laptop.

Fight with the travelator. Go on, go on, go on.

He's up!

-I want him to do it.

-Yay!

And the trip to Paris is his!

Lucky Paris.

All right, can he make the jump?

No, he can't.

Micky Essex is right behind him.

-Ohhhh...

-Get closer.

Does it!

-Oh, he's up, he's up!

-Go on, Micky!

Go on, Micky!

Yeah! Banked the laptop and the trip to Paris.

Sadly, this pool isn't in Marbs,

it's in a shed in Belfast.

James at Stack 'Em High...

The way he throws those pieces around, look at that.

-Got the balance.

-Nice work!

Headphones banked.

Ah, Micky's getting well jel.

Oh, can he do it? Is that enough?

Having a bit of a wobble but banks it.

Booyay!

-Micky versus the pole.

-Here's a big one.

What do you do here?

# Smooth! #

Ooh, awright, babe?

That was a big splash.

# You probably think this song is about you... #

Ooh, the double thwack there.

Ah, that pole was bang out of order.

-Micky... Ooh...

-Watch it! Watch it!

Go on!

He's off.

James next. And he's no stranger to punchbags, judging by those biceps.

# ..think this song is about you don't you?... #

Can the last one get him?

Yes, he touched it! Banked himself a family tent.

Micky Essex at the slide.

And he misses them both!

Banks the washing machine, though,

at 4:47 including penalties.

James Essex, this is your moment. The only way is...down.

And he misses them both!

He stops the clock at 5:11 including penalties.

Oh, totes emosh.

You whistled your way round the course. What was the hardest bit?

It was so hard grabbing the, er...

The pole vault.

Yeah, yeah. It's like a slippery seal.

Like a slippery seal?

I was... I couldn't grab onto it.

He's smiling. That's a good sign.

How are you feeling after that?

-Very tired.

-Very tired?

-Yeah. It's fun, though.

It's exhausting. Good fun, that's good to hear.

It looks OK, but when you're actually there, it's terrifying.

-Really?

-Yeah. It's hard.

-Where's that leaderboard?

Ah! Now, Sheriff Ashley's still top of the mount.

Meanwhile, Micky and James Essex

have both crashed onto the leaderboard,

bouncing Bouncy Beth into sixth place.

But can she hold on?

Unfortunately, it's time to say goodbye to Tragic Terry,

Old Man Paul,

Roxii, who got nicked at the end,

Nurse Emma,

Rob,

Martin Big Beard,

Joanna the Welsh Dragon,

Sheila, who was swept up,

Demi, Kacey,

Eddie Red Pants

and our tough girls Steph and Hansa.

You can't touch this.

You did touch our hearts.

One contestant left, and, boy, are you in for a treat.

This is freerunner Dan, the parkour poet.

I can't touch this. What?

Two third legs and one third body -

I'll finish this with clinical pron... Er, finesse.

-Almost.

-Almost, yeah!

MUSIC: ABC by the Jackson 5

I knew what I wanted to say!

Yeah!

Eject him.

MUSIC: MMMBop by Hanson

Ah! What?!

That's possibly the fastest exit out of the first foam pit ever.

Look at him! He's huge!

Our parkour poet banks the laptop, but his balance is shoddy,

his legs tumbling under the two thirds that is body.

But Dan powers on. No time to dwell.

-Woohoo!

-He's flying! And he's a big guy, as well!

-I love it!

-Ah, not quite. Not quite.

Next up, Stack 'Em High.

And he banks the headphones!

Dan is the man!

-Come on!

-Jump it, jump it, Dan.

-Yes!

-Yes! All right now.

-Come on, Dan.

You know what they say - big arms, big legs,

can he do the pole vault?

That was quite a splat.

I mean, the pole vault literally punched him in the face.

# Walkin' by my side... #

What approach will he take with the punchbags?

Ohhhh! Just held on to it.

# Poetry in motion... #

-Oh!

-Good show! Family tent in the bank.

Just the slide now.

And he gets them both!

Dan banks the washing machine

and stops the clock on 3:29

He's made it into the top six

With...that speedy time.

Some big screamers there to start us off on the catapult.

I know. Bethany!

BETHANY SCREAMS

Oh! That was a big scream!

She was so loud. I was like this. "Oh, my gosh."

-And at the beam.

-Neil. He jumped off and it was like a slam dunk.

But he hit the touch-point!

-That's my favourite touch ever.

-Ever.

-Champion.

-Well done, Neil.

There are only six spots available in the second round,

and they've been reserved for the six fastest contestants.

Let's take a look at the leaderboard and see who's made it through.

Sheriff Ashley, the mounted policeman,

shoots his way to the top of the board

with a time of 3 minutes and 22.

Yikes! It's Scooby Neil faithfully in second with a time of 3:26.

Dan the man has poetically slammed his way into third, his time 3:29.

Sandy Andy the sand sculptor is fourth with 3:33,

The Only Way Is Essex fifth for Micky Essex with 4:47,

and, with a time of 5:11, James Essex brings up the rear.

Reem.

All six contestants compete at the same time in round two,

which involves a tantalising mix of chairs, rings and ropes.

Not forgetting, of course, water.

Cold water.

It all kicks off on spinning platforms, which,

and this is the shocking thing, are spinning.

From the platforms, contestants move on to Clamber Crossing.

They clamber across the crossing - do you see? -

to a set of touch-points which bank a running machine.

But there are only five touch-points,

so one contestant will miss out and leave the game.

After a brief but dangerous sit down, they're off again

through the water and up the uneven stairs to the rings

as they attempt to make their way to the four touch-points

and bank a games console.

Five into four don't go, so another contestant will be

eliminated before they set off again to the Dropping Ropes.

It's an odd but apt name, as not all the ropes are connected.

Contestants must choose the right one to

swing across the pontoon, otherwise they drop.

Finally, contestants make their way to the end podium

and bank a barbecue.

But there are only three touch-points,

which means another contestant will be eliminated.

Reminds me of that time I got my wrap dress caught on a waltzer.

They've been pretty well spun. Should we cue the klaxon?

Ah, I think so. Cue the klaxon!

KLAXON

Onto the ropes jumps poetic Dan

With the reckless abandon of Neanderthal man.

One giant leap for Dan-kind.

Scooby Neil looks like he's chasing a Frisbee.

Good boy!

Dan banks a running machine, and James,

Andrew,

and the last two spots claimed by Ashley and Neil.

Oh, a surprise dismount from Sheriff Ashley.

That's never happened before! Ashley's so keen!

# Slide in, baby Together we'll fly... #

-Was that fun, Ashley?

-Whoo!

He's left with a blazing saddle.

Also, Micky Essex leaves the show.

There they are, the five remaining contestants,

suspended by just gaffer tape and hope.

Here's a tip.

Ah, life would be so much better if all chairs did that.

Ooh, no-one wants to go first. They're a polite lot, aren't they?

There's no time for politeness here.

Oh, look at this lot. Look, it's a right battle! Ooh!

Hold your horses, Sheriff Ashley.

Ashley nearly went straight through that ring.

Ooh, and again.

Dan!

There we go, Spider-Man there.

An aerial plan From poetic Dan.

Hate to rush you, gents, but there is the small detail

of this being a race!

Andy banks the games console, Ashley, too,

and it's a scramble for the last two touch-points!

James and Dan going for the same chair,

but it's James who gets it!

And Scooby Neil's lucky day,

which means our parkour poet has hit a wall.

Ah, look at that, James Essex has sent poor Dan to Coventry.

Don't know which is worse.

-James has taken Dan down!

-I can't believe it!

Tell me, Dan, what rhymes with "eliminated"?

Four contestants, four chairs, seven ropes,

three final touch-points,

one annoying voiceover.

Watch out for those ropes!

Off they go. Amazing what people will do for a hatchback.

MUSIC: The Race by Yello

Ashley's the first to... swing face first into a bridge.

Oh! Neil's gone deep!

What IS James Essex waiting for?

Ooh, Andy going for the beam but couldn't get his leg up!

Here comes James...

Oh! James tries doubling the ropes

and then has a lie down.

Quickly up.

And then down again.

Can Sheriff Ashley raise the bar?

-This is a shambles. It's fantastic!

-Can Andy be first to cross again?

-Come on, Andy.

-Oh!

-Nice work, Andy.

-Look at that!

-Andy! Yes!

Sandy Andy banks the barbecue and a place in the final three.

Ashley's trying to hang on.

Oh, down he goes.

And that's opened the door for Neil and James.

They both take advantage and bank the final two spots.

Well done, lads.

Ashley, clap if you wish you'd never come on the show.

Goodbye, Sheriff Ashley, time to hang up your horse.

I came unstuck on the Dropping Ropes in the final round.

MUSIC: Always by Bon Jovi

It was fast and furious.

It was always going to be the case with six fellas in the final.

Rough and ready, but that's the way, the way it goes.

I was in for a penny, in for a pound.

Goodbye to poetic Dan. We'll miss your words of wisdom.

I'm gutted. I felt as though I had a lot more to give.

-James has taken Dan down!

-I can't believe it!

I could've gone so much farther.

And goodbye to Micky. See you in Marbs.

Yeah, I am disappointed at being knocked out,

getting that far and then going out first.

Oh, Micky!

Pretty gutted, but at least I didn't get wet.

So, our contestants are ready,

and I'm pretty sure the mountain's ready.

I think so. It's time to climb.

Yes, Spin Mountain.

It takes eight Welsh teenagers and a Shetland to operate this.

Spin Mountain is where three become one,

because everyone knows there can only be one.

Winner, that is.

Each contestant has to find their three uniquely coloured discs

and return them to their podiums in order

from these three rotating rings.

Only then can they climb up Spin Mountain,

which is also spinning, to touch the touch-point,

bank an exercise bank and then go on to leap for that car.

Watch out, though, because some of those handholds are attached

to bungee chords. Time to focus.

Off they go!

MUSIC: Atomic by Blondie

Erm, ahem. Off they go?

OK, Sandy Andy looking for his teddy.

Ah, found it!

Neil could use a Scooby Snack.

Andy's there with his first disc.

And Neil.

And James!

# Make me tonight... #

Boy, are things really starting to heat up!

Someone hasn't oiled that turntable properly.

# Make it right... #

James with number two.

And Andy.

And Neil.

Andy picks up his third

and takes the long way round.

# Tonight... #

And James is in with three!

MUSIC: Ride Of The Valkyries by Wagner

The two of them at the mountain, but what about Scooby Neil?

Ah, there he is.

Well, this is intense, all three of them!

Strike that.

Seriously, this is even more difficult

than they're making it look.

-Yeah!

-And Sandy Andy's triumphed! Not bad for a sandman.

-Andy!

-Whoo!

-Oh, my God!

-Can you believe it?!

No, I can't! What the hell happened?

-He's dazed and confused!

-I was up first?!

-You did it!

You've shocked yourself. Are you shocked to beat those two?

I didn't even expect to be in the last six.

-Yet here you are!

-I'm the last one!

-You're the last one!

I did not expect those plastic things that you hold on to

-to be coming out like that.

-All the tricks in the book.

-Well done, mate.

-Thank you very much.

So, Andy has deposited a lot of prizes in the bank.

-Now he would like to withdraw them.

-Yeah, though, unlike most banks,

in this case all he has to do is touch them.

-You fit and ready, Andy?

-I'm going to give it a go, yeah.

OK, then, to the travelator with you.

-Give a shout-out for Sandy Andy.

-HE SHOUTS OUT

He's kept quiet but confident in himself throughout the whole thing.

Just beating people. No-one took notice of him.

Very calm and composed, and I wish him all the best.

I knew he'd be a tough competitor. I knew it. I could sense it.

He's proved that, and I wish him luck in the last stage,

and I hope he gets the car.

So, Andy has banked a very impressive ten prizes.

-Laptop.

-Headphones.

-Family tent.

-Smartphone.

-Drone.

-Washing machine.

-Running machine.

-Games console.

Gas barbecue.

And an exercise bike.

And hopefully all his hard work in banking them is about to pay off.

Let's hope so - but there's still a lot more hard work ahead.

During that graphic, I've been hanging all the prizes Andy banked

in the previous rounds above this fast-moving travelator.

Andy has 60 seconds to touch as many prizes as he can,

and, of course, everything he touches he wins.

This is it. Andy, are you ready?

I hate travelators! You saw me on that first one.

I couldn't get to the end. And that was flat!

Look, I'm going uphill now.

-Yeah, it's got a bit of a slope.

-But I'm going to give it a go.

You never know, by the end of this you might love travelators.

OK, Andy, you have 60 seconds...

-OK.

-..to try and touch and win your ten prizes. Good luck, Andy.

-Thank you.

-Go for it.

-Come on.

There they are, all those fancy prizes Andy has banked,

but it won't be easy.

That's why they call this show Can't Touch This,

not Here, Have These On Us, Andy.

# Let me hear you say yeah! #

-Cue the klaxon.

-KLAXON

Let's go, Andy. What you got?

Yeah, come on, show us, Andy, what have you got?

He's after the drone.

Ooh! And he's got it!

Boom, that's the games console.

MUSIC: No Limit by 2 Unlimited

All right, let's go!

Ooh! And he's missed the laptop!

And he's down. He's down. He'll come back fighting, though.

Come on, Sandy Andy, you can do it! He really wants this!

30 seconds.

He really wanted those headphones.

Come on, Andy, you can do this. Get that laptop. It's right at the top.

-20 seconds!

-20 seconds left!

-I think he's running on fumes now.

-Don't give up, Andy.

15...

Owww!

Nine, eight, seven...

-No!

-..six, five, four...

Oh, he's almost out of puff.

-..one.

-KLAXON

-Well done, Andy.

-Well done.

And out of time. An enormous effort by Andy.

I hope he's happy.

You love travelators!

-No, he doesn't.

-Do you want a lift up?

Oh, my goodness me. How was that for you?

-Oh, that was horrible.

-Was it?

-Oh, Andy.

I think I touched a few prizes, though.

You did. You managed to touch two.

Two? Whooo!

A drone and a games console. Does that excite you?

Whooooo...

Yes, yes, I'm very excited by that.

-You haven't got either of those at home already?

-No.

-Good.

-Now, as you well know, there is one more prize...

-Yes.

..a pretty decent prize still on offer.

-I'd love a car.

-Exactly.

-That's what I came here to win.

It's the biggest of them all. But, Andy, it's the hardest to win.

So, are you up for it?

I actually did long jump when I was at school to represent the school.

-That's a good start.

-But to really get a sense of the task,

I think you need to look it in the eye

man to car, yeah?

Did I tell you that I don't like heights?

-Oh, my gosh. It's a date. Andy, come on.

-What are you doing here?!

Not even been at the top of the tower yet. Come on, then.

If Andy can make one more fantastic leap and touch the car,

he gets to keep it.

I hope it has bucket seats.

For the sand!

Andy, now we're up here,

you can feel the height, you can see the distance. What's the game plan?

I am going to try and touch that car! Simple as that.

-Simple but effective.

-Yes.

But, Andy, level with me, how much do you want that new car?

I want that so badly. If I could just get that one by touching it...

-I can see how much you want it.

-Yes.

You need to collect yourself, focus, and I wish you the best of luck.

-OK?

-Thank you.

-All right.

So, here we go, one contestant, one car, one giant leap.

-Andy, best of luck.

-Thank you!

Here we go. In your own time, when you're ready, jump for the car.

If Andy can make one more leap and touch the car, he gets to keep it.

One jump, one chance, one car.

He wants it so bad.

ANDY ROARS

-Come on, Andy.

-Go on, Andy. Go on, Andy.

Ooh! And he just missed it!

# So take a look at me now... #

Oh! Actually, a blessing in disguise.

It would've been a nightmare getting that down.

I've lost the stick.

# There's nothing left here to remind me

# Just the memory of your face

# Take a look at me now... #

-ANDY:

-Damn it!

-Andy, come on, come here. Bring it in. Bring it in.

-What? What?!

-I'm so sorry.

-Oh, you poor, poor darling.

You must be absolutely gutted.

Oh, I'm so gutted.

I know how much you wanted that car, I really do.

I could kick myself. But you know what? I'd probably miss.

-Oh, no!

-That's a good thing. We're all positive.

Why do you think...?

I got scared. I really don't like heights. I just bottled it.

-But you are our winner, Well done, Andy! Bless you.

-Thank you.

That is it. We'll be back next time with more contestants,

more prizes and plenty more bumps, thumps and jumps.

Till then, stay in touch. Say goodbye, Sue.

Hang on, I'm trying to find that stick. Goodbye!