Episode 2 Celebrity Eggheads

These people are among the greatest quiz players in Britain.

Together, they make up the Eggheads,

arguably the most formidable quiz team in the country.

The question is, can they be beaten?

Welcome to a celebrity edition of Eggheads,

the show where a team of five quiz challengers pit their wits

against possibly the greatest quiz team in Britain.

They are the Eggheads.

Hoping to topple our awesome quiz titans today are...

It's no secret that one of our Eggheads

has been known to tread the boards.

His marvellous Bottom was seen by literally dozens.

Before we get letters, I talk of Chris's oft-mentioned appearance in A Midsummer Night's Dream.

In his absence, we are joined by some true thespians -

luminaries of London's West End, the RSC and beyond.

Before Chris appears to show them his Bottom, let's meet them.

Hello. My name's Frances.

I'm responsible for assembling this motley crew because I'm a huge fan of Eggheads.

Hello. My name is Derek.

I'm not at all at ease yet, but I'll do my best not to stammer.

My name's Emma and I'm an actress.

I had the pleasure of working with Derek earlier in the year.

I'm here because Frances made me!

Hello. My name is Neil.

I was invited here by Frances, so I came.

My name's Fiona. I'm the only one that's not an actor. I'm a director.

I've worked with everyone except Derek, but that's next year.

Very good that you were available to take on the Eggheads today. You're responsible, Frances, I hear.

I'm afraid that is why we're the Availables.

-LAUGHING:

-Because we were the only ones who were out of work!

Everyone else we know are so posh and so busy, but we're thrilled to be here.

When your colleagues in the theatrical world say they're busy,

don't you take it with a pinch of salt, unless you see their name up in lights?

A lot of them are in the theatre at the moment, aren't they?

-The clever ones.

-The clever ones are working!

However, nevertheless, I got involved in this

because Derek has a house in the south of France, very near Judith.

We were very lucky to have dinner with her.

As I'm a massive fan of the show,

I inveigled myself upon all of you for an invitation

and I've inveigled myself upon my team!

-So there's been collaboration?

-And a LOT of white wine.

If we hadn't got on with Judith, we wouldn't be here.

- But we got on so well. - We did. It was a lovely dinner.

-According to notes you reassembled from your hospital locker?

-LAUGHING: Yes.

Should be an interesting game, especially if Judith plays one of those head-to-heads.

Every day, there is £1,000 up for grabs for our challengers.

If they fail to defeat the Eggheads, the money rolls over to the next show.

So, Availables, the Eggheads have won just the last game.

That means £2,000 says you can't beat them.

The first head-to-head battle will be, let's find out - it's Arts & Books.

Could all five of you play?

No, they can't. Has to be one of you.

-ALL TALK AT ONCE

-No, that'll be Derek.

-Oh, dear.

-That will be Derek, definitely.

-I see you've been volunteered, there.

-No, no. I...

-Um... I've got to choose somebody.

-Yes.

-It can be Judith, if you like.

-I want the new boy, Dave.

-You've got him! He's yours.

-LAUGHTER

Let's have Derek and Dave, the two Ds, into the Question Room, to make sure you can't confer.

I feel wrong calling you Derek. It's Sir Derek.

-Please, Sir Del Boy will do.

-DERMOT LAUGHS

And I believe you've got TWO knighthoods.

Y-yes. I've got a Danish knighthood.

The Queen of Denmark came to see me as Hamlet

and liked it and, er...knighted me.

-And wh...

-So, I'm "twice a knight", folks!

Ah, very good. And, of course, In The NIGHT Garden.

Oh, indeed! Yes. I loved doing that. Loved it.

Is it fun just rolling some of those names and characters around the tongue?

Yes, Upsy Daisy, Igglepiggle and Makka Pakka and all the Tombliboos.

Yes! And singing their songs, too!

-It's lovely.

-That's the ultimate accolade.

I, Claudius and things like that in the past - nothing!

The only way is down after The Night Garden.

-Oh, only one thing beats it. I was the Master in Dr Who.

-Of course.

-That was the apogee.

-Of course.

Let's hope it gets even better and you give Dave a good kicking - metaphorically, so to speak.

You choose, not just because you ARE Sir Derek Jacobi, but because you're the challenger.

-Do you want to go first or second?

-Second.

Well, it's you kicking off for us, then, Dave.

Arts & Books, here's your question.

Which writer created the character Moll Flanders?

Daniel Defoe.

-LAUGHING:

-Derek distraught.

-I knew it! I knew it!

-I'm sure you'll know your next one.

You chose the second set, and Dave has one on the board.

Here's your first question.

What name is given to the art of inlaying blocks of wood

to make a geometric pattern in furniture and flooring?

Well, I've never heard of decoupage.

Um... Macrame, I know.

But I'm... I think I'm going to go for parquetry.

Yes. It's quite a leap, isn't it?

From Moll Flanders to the parquet floor. It's the right answer.

Well done.

Dave, in The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy,

the character Zaphod Beeblebrox has two heads and three what?

Right, I can remember it from a long time ago, but can't recall that.

I'm going to bite the bullet and go for legs.

Three legs. It's arms!

-Fair enough.

-Three arms for Zaphod Beeblebrox.

Which means a chance -

still early days yet - a chance for Derek to take the lead.

In the 18th century, the German writer Rudolph Erich Raspe

wrote an English version of stories about which character?

I'm going to have to make a random guess,

because none of them leap out at me.

The Pied Piper... Um...

Baron Munchausen.

Munchausen...is the right answer.

-You have a lead.

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Don't know what'll happen if he wins the whole round.

You might just do that, if Dave slips up again.

The National Gallery houses a painting by Johannes Vermeer

entitled A Young Woman Standing At A... what?

I'll go with Virginal.

Standing At A Virginal is the right answer.

Derek, to go through to the final round...

In the novel Tom Brown's Schooldays by Thomas Hughes,

what is the name of the boy who meets Tom on his first day at Rugby and becomes his friend?

Oh! It's not North!

It...is...

East.

It is. Dave's nodding. He knows it is the right answer.

LAUGHTER

Del!

Del, well done! Yes!

I think you're more animated there than when you won the BAFTA!

LAUGHING: I can't believe it. I can't believe it.

It's the correct answer, which sees you sailing into the final round.

Will you both please come back and join your teams?

After that round, the Availables still all available.

Derek swatting Dave away there, so one brain missing from the Eggheads.

But early days. Our next subject is going to be History.

Who'd like to play this?

-That was supposed to be Derek's!

-LAUGHTER

Who wants to play this?

NEIL: I don't know anything about history, so let's have a go!

Pick an Egghead, as long as it isn't Dave.

Pat?

-Pat, please!

-Putting your best confident voice on there.

Yes. I'm psyching him out now.

That's very good, actually. See if you do it in the Question Room.

It's going to be Neil and Pat, then, playing History, please.

Neil, do you want to go first or second?

Ah!

I'll go first!

Neil, first question is this one.

Elizabeth I is typically depicted with what colour hair?

Well, I don't think she had blonde hair, because I'd have noticed.

I don't think she'd have black hair after all this time.

-I think it must be red, Dermot.

-Red?

Of course. It's the right answer.

Pat, in the 19th century, the figure of Columbia

was recognised as the female personification of which country?

Mother Russia strikes a pose not entirely unlike Columbia.

But I don't think it's Russia. I don't think it's France.

I think it's the United States.

USA for Columbia is the right answer.

Neil, second question.

Which British army commander attended the Congress of Vienna in 1815?

I'm going to have to have a stab at the obvious one,

the Duke of Wellington, 1815.

What with, you know, Napoleon and...

all that, the boots and everything and all that beef.

-I'm going to have to go for Duke of Wellington.

-Well done.

So, you've got two.

Two out of two. Pat... Oh, here we go!

Which figure in Irish history, born in 1890, is known as "the big fellow"?

Well, it's too late for Parnell and too early for Jack Lynch.

I think Michael Collins was 6ft 3 or 6ft 4.

So I think it was Michael Collins.

Yes, as you'd know well, I suspect. It's the right answer.

Neil, going very strongly.

Can you keep it up? Ashoka, ruler of the Mauryan empire in India, was a convert to which religion?

I don't know what he'd have been beforehand.

-I'm going to go for Hinduism.

-OK, Hinduism.

It's not right. It's incorrect. Do you know, Pat?

-I'd have gone for Islam.

-You'd have been wrong, as well.

Daphne would have gone for Buddhism, which is the correct answer.

Pat, where is St Hilda

believed to have established an abbey in 657 on land given to her by the King of Northumbria?

Northumbria probably extended as far south as Furness back then.

I think of those three,

Whitby looks the most appealing, so I'll go for Whitby.

It is Whitby, which means you've won the round, Pat.

Bad luck, Neil. You won't be in the final round.

Would you both please come and join your teams?

So, all-square after that round. Both teams have lost one brain from the final round.

And our next subject is Film & Television.

Another one that suits you.

-Frankie.

-I've got to!

-You have to stay while you choose an Egghead.

-Oh...!

-May I call you Frankie?

You CAN call me Frankie.

-Because you half got me here, I'm going to ask Judith if she'll play with me.

-That's nice.

Are you going to take a nice bottle of Sancerre in to ease your way?

-LAUGHTER

-Down in one!

So, Frances and Judith into the Question Room, please.

Frances, do you want to go first or second?

I think I'll go...first, please, and get it over and done with.

Here's your first question. What type of creature is Pudsey,

winner of the 2012 series of the television show Britain's Got Talent?

Oh, God! I thought...it was a bear!

So that's completely thrown me!

-Um... Oh, I know!

-2012 series of Britain's Got Talent.

-I know!

It was that woman... Yes. It's not a horse. It's not a snake.

It was named AFTER the bear, wasn't it? It was her dancing dog.

Yeah, Pudsey the dog in Britain's Got Talent is the right answer.

Judith, your first question.

Miranda Hart took the role of a cleaner called Barbara in the second series of which TV sitcom?

Gosh! I don't know! Um...

-Not Going Out.

-Not Going Out?

Miranda Hart as Barbara, it's the right answer.

-Ooh! Phew!

-Well identified, Judith.

-What a guess!

OK, Frances...

Which character in The Lord Of The Rings trilogy was played by Orlando Bloom?

I think you've done this on purpose!

Because I'm going to get my throat cut if I get this wrong!

-Oh, dear!

-Wha...?

Because Sir Ian McKellen was going to join us, but he's available!

I mean, he's NOT available! He's busy.

Well, we haven't got THAT choice, have we?

I do know he played Gandalf, that's about it.

-UNSURE:

-I think...it was Legolas.

-It's the right answer.

-SHE SCREAMS LOUDLY

-LAUGHS

-God! If I'd have got that wrong!

You've got two on the board.

Judith's only faced one. Your second question, Judith.

Which Top Gear regular became a presenter of the TV series Planet Earth Live in May 2012?

Well, it's not Jeremy Clarkson.

I have a sort of inkling telling me that it's Richard Hammond.

-Is that your answer?

-Yup.

-Gone for that and got it right.

-Phew.

-Well done.

Frances, which actress was nominated

for a Best Supporting Actress Oscar for her role in the 1961 film Judgment At Nuremberg?

Oh, dear!

-Derek will know this.

-I'm sorry to say, I think he does.

Oh, dear! I knew it.

Thank God I can't see his face... as I stumble

and fall and...stutter.

I've got a vague memory of seeing Jayne Mansfield

with a statuette in her hand,

wearing an extraordinary fur stole.

So I'm going to say Jayne Mansfield.

Derek?

-Judy Garland.

-It's Judy Garland.

Well, it's still all-square.

If Judith is to knock you out, she has to get this one.

Judith, who played Elizabeth Collins Stoddard

in the 2012 film Dark Shadows directed by Tim Burton?

I have absolutely no idea.

I'm going to say...Cameron Diaz.

No! It's not!

It's incorrect. Anyone tell me who was in it?

Uma Thurman.

Michelle Pfeiffer.

-ALL GASP

-Doesn't matter!

Michelle Pfeiffer.

Well, it does matter because it means, of course, that Frances, you're still well in it.

So, Sudden Death it is.

What was the 1990 sequel to the film Three Men And A Baby?

-Oh, Lord! The sequel...

-CLEARS THROAT

Was it Three Men And A Little Lady?

It was!

-Where did THAT come from?

-LAUGHTER

-Oh! That gin's worked!

-LAUGHS

I thought it was white wine. It's getting stronger, is it?

Well! Going well, Frances. Judith...

In which 1982 television drama serial did Julie Walters play Angie,

the wife of Chrissie, played by Michael Angelis?

I absolutely cannot think.

-I have no idea. I'm going to give up.

-Is that a pass?

-Yeah.

If you'd seen the choices you would have picked it.

Alan Bleasdale? Gizza job?

-What?

-I'll let Frances tell us. You'll know, won't you?

Gizza job is Boys From The Blackstuff.

Boys From The Blackstuff.

We won't dwell on that.

We're going to dwell on the fact that Frances has knocked her mate Judith out!

A place in the final round for you! Would you both please join your teams?

The Availables, coping with some heavy fire from the Eggheads.

You've only lost one brain, but you've taken out two Eggheads. Can you make it three?

This is our last head-to-head before the final round. This one is Music.

There's only two of you.

Emma or Fiona?

-< Fiona.

-Fiona, finger up.

Who would you like to play from the Eggheads, Kevin or Daphne?

-Frankie, tell me what to do.

-You should go for Kevin.

-Come on, Kevin!

-Let's have you both into the Question Room, please.

-Fiona, do you want to go first or second?

-I'm going to go first.

Because I can't bear the tension of waiting.

The waiting is over. Here's your first question. Good luck with it.

What colour suit is Michael Jackson wearing on the cover of the album Thriller?

Right, well. On the cover of...

-Thriller.

-..Off The Wall, he's wearing black, I think.

I think Thriller is on a black background

and he's wearing a white suit.

A lot of nodding from your teammates. It's the right answer.

Good start. Kevin...

Peter Andre and his family emigrated from England to which country when he was six years old?

I'm wondering if they stopped off somewhere else on the way.

He famously grew up in Australia, so I'm going with Australia.

Australia is the right answer.

Both a very assured start.

Fiona, second question. In the musical West Side Story,

the song Maria is a solo for which character?

It's Tony.

It is. It's Tony. Knew that one.

Didn't hesitate, then, to get it on the board.

Kevin, on what instrument would one be most likely to play a flam, F-L-A-M?

A lot of these things... There are a lot of different things...

phrases like that relating to the drums,

so I'll have to play the percentages and go for drum.

Playing the percentages and getting the right answer.

It's what those Eggheads do.

But, Fiona, great performance.

Third question.

I'm A Believer by the Monkees and All You Need Is Love by the Beatles

were UK Number One singles in which year?

I have no idea, so I'm going to have to guess.

I'm A Believer...

I'm going to go for 1969.

It's '67!

Ah! Sorry, everyone!

The original Summer of Love!

Chance for Kevin. It's the third question.

What was the title of Carl Douglas's 1974 follow-up to Kung Fu Fighting, which we all remember so well?

For some reason, I don't really like Kung Fu Man, so...

I'm torn between going for the other one, which is Dance The Kung Fu

or assuming they picked up on the line from the original.

Yeah, all right. Let's assume that they took the line from the original

and they called it Everybody Kung Fu.

This is the genius of our question writer.

It's tempted you into that, but the answer is Dance The Kung Fu.

-FRANCES HOWLS

-Which was your other thought.

-Yeah.

You were tempted by that "Everybody".

-Yeah.

-Genius question, there.

-Oh, no!

-Come on, Fiona. You're still in it!

You know what's coming.

-It's Sudden Death coming.

-It's like penalties at the World Cup.

This is the penalty shoot-out. It's really down to the goalkeepers.

-SHE SIGHS

-Here's your question.

-I can't give you any options.

-OK.

Which band was formed by Dubliners Danny O'Donoghue, Mark Sheehan and Glen Power?

Oh!

Dubliners...? Oh, my God! I'm going to say The Dubliners.

-Well, I will accept that and tell you it's the wrong answer.

-Yeah.

-It's not that era.

-Who was it?

Script.

Dave gave it there, the Script.

Another chance for Kevin.

"In touch with the ground, I'm on the hunt, I'm after you"

are lyrics from which Duran Duran hit?

"In touch with the ground, on the hunt."

I'll try Hungry Like The Wolf.

You sniff 'em out like a wolf!

-Ah!

-It's the right answer, Hungry Like The Wolf.

Bad luck, Fiona.

A gallant performance, but it means, Fiona, no place for you in the final round.

Would you both please join your teams?

It is what we've been playing towards, the final round which, as always, is General Knowledge.

I'm afraid those of you who lost your head-to-heads

won't be allowed to take part so, Neil and Fiona from the Availables

and Dave and Judith from the Eggheads,

would you leave the studio now, please?

So, Frances, Derek and Emma, you're playing to win the Availables £2,000.

Pat, Kevin and Daphne, you're playing for something money can't buy.

You've no idea, have you? It's the Eggheads' reputation.

As usual, I ask each team three questions in turn. The questions are all General Knowledge.

And you are allowed to confer in this, the final round.

So, Availables, the question is, are your three brains better than the Eggheads' three brains?

And just before we start, do you want to go first or second?

We are going to go first, please.

And here's your question.

The winner of the Academy Award for Best Original Song

for Man Or Muppet from the film The Muppets

came to prominence as a member of which comedy act?

Penn and Teller are magicians.

Yes, they're magicians. So I think it's Flight of the Conchords.

-It's not The Mighty Boosh.

-No?

-That's English.

-It's The Muppets.

-I'm out of this.

Penn and Teller are magicians.

-I think Flight of the Conchords.

-New Zealand comedy sketch group.

-Do we think it's Flight of the Conchords?

-Go with it.

We're going to go with Flight of the Conchords.

Man Or Muppet by one member of...

Flight of the Conchords, it's the right answer!

WHOOPING

So, Eggheads, your first question.

Prior to winning the Premier League title in 2012,

Manchester City last won the highest division title in English football in which decade?

It was 1968. So, '60s.

I am reliably informed that it is 1968. So, it's the '60s.

Being Eggheads, you've given me the year.

-Didn't need to narrow it down.

-That's Kevin.

-Manchester City.

Second question for each team.

Availables, San Andreas, Liberty City and Vice City

are all locations for which video game series?

-Do you watch video games?

-Never. No.

-Do you?

-Mortal Kombat involves thumping people.

-Does your son?

Not those. He's only four.

-LAUGHING:

-He's not quite on to Grand Theft Auto.

-I've never heard of MechWarrior.

-It's got to be a guess.

-Mortal Kombat?

-Or Grand Theft.

You think Grand Theft Auto?

For no reason other than it sounds like cities and cars are involved.

-Well, then, I'm happy to go with that.

-We'll go with that.

-UNSURE:

-We're going to go with Grand Theft Auto.

Your voice almost deserting you there.

-Grand Theft Auto?

-Hm.

-It's all on you.

-It's the right answer.

-CHEERING

-LAUGHING

-You're a gamer!

-In secret.

-I am, actually.

Pronking is a type of movement particularly identified with which type of creature?

Antelopes jumping...

It's an antelope.

An antelope is the right answer.

It's all-square.

This could be the deciding question for each team.

The Ampulla, part of the British crown jewels,

is a gold vessel in the shape of which creature?

Don't think it's panther. >

Dolphin?

-Well, maybe I can see...

-An Ampulla?

-An eagle shaped vessel.

-..a dolphin, um...

-Yes. I... It's more of a vessel, isn't it, a dolphin?

-Yes.

-Shall we go for dolphin?

-Yeah.

We're going to go for dolphin.

Dolphin for the Ampulla, part of the British crown jewels.

It's a gold vessel in the shape of a...

-..an eagle.

-Argh!

After this question, the Eggheads can win the game.

Eggheads, after the Nile, what's the longest river in Africa?

-Congo.

-It's the Congo.

It is the Congo.

-Are you sure, Daphne?

-Absolutely.

-Sorry.

-Don't say sorry to ME. It is the right answer.

Which means, Eggheads, you've won.

Oh!

Very generous applause from the Availables, but the curtain comes down on that performance.

But WHAT a performance!

Fantastic, wasn't it, Eggheads?

-So enjoyable and so close.

-Yeah.

-One question in it.

Some great performances, stellar, award-winning performances

in those head-to-heads, especially from these two closest to me.

Well done to Fiona and Neil there. Came close in their head-to-heads.

But not to be on the day, which means the Eggheads have done what comes naturally.

You haven't won the £2,000 and that means the money rolls over to our next show.

Until then, goodbye.