Episode 9 Celebrity Mastermind

There's a little part of everyone that wants to be on Mastermind.

A strange, masochistic little part of everyone.

I just hope that I get the questions that I want.

I'm worried about appearing a fool and sweating on my top lip.

There are worse things than making a complete idiot of yourself.

Watch this space.

Four celebrities who hope they know everything there is to know about their specialist subject.

Who will be crowned tonight's Celebrity Mastermind?

First in the spotlight tonight is the presenter, Tony Livesy.

He answers questions on The Jam.

Next, the comedian, Ava Vidal.

She's answering questions on Buffy The Vampire Slayer.

The television presenter Monty Halls on the explorer and conservationist, Jacques Cousteau.

And Rev Richard Coles on his subject,

the Mapp and Lucia novels of EF Benson.

Hello, I'm John Humphrys and welcome to Celebrity Mastermind.

Our four, brave contenders may think they've done pretty well with their careers so far

but what they haven't done yet is sit in that infamous black chair

and panicked as the clock counts down just one and a half minutes

on their specialist subject and two minutes on general knowledge.

Only then can one of them claim the title Celebrity Mastermind Champion.

So, let us ask our first contender to join us please.

And your name is?

Your chosen charity?

And your chosen subject?

The Jam in 90 seconds. He we go.

The Jam released their debut single in April 1977.

It was also the title track from their first album. What was it called?

-In

-The City. Which single gave The Jam their first UK top five hit

and eventually reached number three in the UK charts in 1979?

-Tube Station.

-The Eton Rifles.

The B-side of the band's third single, The Modern World,

featured live versions of Sweet Soul Music, Bricks and Mortar,

and Back In My Arms Again that had been recorded at which club?

-The Vortex Club.

-No, The Hundred Club.

Three of the group's signals entered the UK charts at number one.

The double A side, A Town Called Malice,

Precious and Beat Surrender were two, what was the other one?

Going Underground.

Who produced A Town Called Malice with the band

and subsequently produced their sixth studio album, The Gift?

Pete Wilson.

Which song with lyrics by Paul Weller and music credited to the whole band

was released in May 1981 and reached number four in the UK singles charts?

-Absolute Beginners.

-Funeral Pyre.

The band's third single which was released in October '77

only reached number 36 in the UK charts, what was its title?

-All Around The World.

-The Modern World.

The band's first album included the song, Slow Down,

which had previously been covered by The Beatles. Who wrote the song?

Pass.

The B-side to the single That's Entertainment

featured the live version of a previous Jam hit. What was its title?

Oh, pass.

In 1978, the band reached number 25 in the UK singles chart

with a cover of a Kinks song. What was its title?

-David Watts.

-In July 1982, a song from the album The Gift

that hadn't been released as a single in the UK entered the UK singles chart as an import

-and reached number eight?

-BEEP

Which song was it?

-Just Who Is The Five O'Clock Hero?

-Exactly right.

You had two passes.

That B side to the single, That's Entertainment,

was Down In The Tube Station At Midnight.

And the writer of the song Slow Down, Larry Williams.

Tony, you got five points!

And our next contender please.

And your name is?

Your chosen charity?

And your chosen subject?

Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Here we go. 90 seconds.

In the series, Buffy The Vampire Slayer,

the mysterious stranger who tells Buffy to be ready for the harvest

is later revealed to be a vampire with a soul, what's his name?

Angel.

When Buffy first meets Rupert Giles,

he is employed as the librarian at Sunnydale High.

For which secretive London-based organisation does he also work?

The Watcher's Council.

In The Puppet Show, Buffy suspects that a ventriloquist's dummy is harvesting human organs.

-What's the name of the dummy?

-Pass.

Which club that Buffy is told is "the scene" in Sunnydale when she first arrives

becomes one of the regular hangouts for Buffy and her friends?

The Bronze.

In Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered,

a love spell goes wrong and makes Xander irresistible

to the female population of Sunnydale.

Who is the only person to be immune?

Cordelia Chase.

In Halloween, which member of staff orders Buffy to oversee a group of young trick-or-treaters?

Principal Snyder.

Instead of the foreign exchange student they are expecting,

Buffy and her mother unsuspectingly play host to a mummy from which civilisation?

Pass.

In the season two episode, Surprise,

what is the name of the supposedly unstoppable demon that is reassembled

by Drusilla, Buffy later kills him with a rocket launcher?

The Judge.

In Out Of Mind, Out Of Sight, Cordelia is injured

on the evening of her coronation as May Queen by an invisible attacker.

What is the name of the person who attacks her?

-Amy?

-No, Marcy Ross.

In the episode I Robot, You Jane, how is Willow contacted by a demon

who pretends to be a human called Malcolm?

Via the internet.

Which vampire who has already killed two slayers first arrives in Sunnydale

-in the season two episode, School Hard...

-BEEP

..when he attacks Buffy at parent teacher night?

-Spike.

-Is correct.

You had two passes. That mummy came from the Inca civilisation.

And the name of the dummy was Sid.

What else could it be, when you think about? You have eight points.

Thank you.

And our next contender please.

And your name is?

Your chosen charity?

Chosen subject?

Jacques Cousteau. In 90 seconds.

In the early '40s, Jacques Cousteau developed breathing apparatus with Emile Gagnan

so that they could explore underwater.

-What name did they give to the apparatus?

-Scuba.

-Aqualung.

In 1918, his father started working for an American businessman

who advised the sickly young Jacques to take up a more active life and learn to swim.

-What was his name?

-Higgins.

What was the name of the French Navy training ship on board which

Cousteau sailed the world in the 1930s?

The... Oh, no, the Jeanne d'Arc.

Cousteau married his first wife in July 1937 at the church of Saint-Louis-des-Invalides in Paris.

-What was her name?

-Simone Melchior.

Cousteau won an Emmy award in 1985 for this two-part documentary

about a river described as reluctant ally and friendly foe.

-Which river?

-Mississippi.

What generic name was given to the series of experiments in which

aquanauts spent periods living in capsules anchored to the seabed between 1962 and 1965?

They lived in Conshelf but it was pre-continent I think.

Conshelf is the generic name, indeed.

What is the name of the spring and cave system near Avignon

whose exploration by Cousteau and his team in August '46 nearly ended in disaster?

Fontaine de Vaucluse.

Cousteau developed a wind ship in '85 that was powered by two turbo sails

comprising towers that drew in the wind.

-What was the name of the ship?

-Alcyone.

Who narrated the English language version of the 1966 National Geographic television special,

The World of Jacques Cousteau?

Pass.

Cousteau resigned from the French Navy in 1957 after 27 years

-and became Director of the Oceanographic Museum in which principality?

-Monaco.

Is correct.

One pass, the narrator of that '66 television special was Orson Welles.

-Of course.

-You, Monty, have eight points.

Thank you.

And our final contender please.

And your name is?

Your chosen charity?

And your chosen subject?

In 90 seconds.

The fictional town that appears in most of the Mapp and Lucia books

is based on the Sussex resort of Rye.

-What name does the author EF Benson give it?

-Tilling.

The Inspector of Police calls to speak to Lucia during a game of bridge

causing the players to hide their cards in panic.

At whose teashop is the game being played?

Diver.

After Lucia plays a practical joke, who gets his own back

by inserting a real pear into a dish of stone fruit and then eating it?

Georgie Pillson.

Miss Mapp warns Lucia to always knock before going into the studio

-of which artist because she might be painting a nude?

-Irene Coles.

After trying Christian Science,

Daisy Quantock seeks the services of an Indian man

who becomes her guru and apparently cures her of what?

-Sciatica?

-No, a cold.

Lucia decides to invest in the stock exchange after reading the obituary

of a former governess whose spectacular success

had enabled her to become a wealthy benefactor. What was her name?

-Dame Caroline Winterglass.

-No, Catherine Winterglass.

While attending a bridge party, Mrs Poppet opens a secret door in a bookcase

to reveal a large horde of food stored in case of what?

A coal strike.

Although known to her friends as Lucia,

-what is Mrs Lucas' actual first name?

-Emmeline.

What new and delicious malaprop invented by Lucia did Mapp bring to Tilling from Riseholme?

Reservoir.

When Lucia's husband inherits a house in London,

it makes the residents fearful that they will move there permanently.

What's the address of the house?

25 Brompton Square.

What honour was bestowed upon Mrs Poppitt

for her services to Tilling Hospital

in letting them occasionally use her motorcar?

MBE.

Yes. How much per week does Mapp charge Lucia for renting her house,

Mallards, during August and September?

Three guineas?

15 guineas. Mapp...

-BEEP

-Just started, so I'll finish.

Mapp misses seeing a member of the royal family

when he passes through Tilling on a Saturday,

and embarrassingly ends up

curtsying to the wrong person!

Who was the Royal she missed?

The Prince of Wales.

Indeed. No passes, Richard.

Ten points.

APPLAUSE

Well, the scores crept up there, didn't they?

Let's have a look at all of them.

In fourth place with five points, Tony Livesey.

In joint second place, eight points apiece, Ava Vidal and Monty Halls.

In the lead with ten points, Richard Coles.

APPLAUSE

It is the general knowledge round now and, if the scores are level at

the end of it, then the person with the fewer passes will be the winner.

Let's get on with it and ask Tony to join us again, please.

And, you are pretty bonkers about The Jam, aren't you?

Well, it wouldn't appear so, after that first round!

LAUGHTER

-A lot of pressure, John.

-Sitting in that chair, everything is different.

But you still knew a lot about them. And the fact is, I don't know

whether you've made this public or not, but I'm told that,

when they stopped doing what they were doing, you wept.

I did. Me and a good friend of mine. And we were 18 years old.

It was pretty embarrassing.

What is it about them, then?

I think at some point... It probably happened to you with The Seekers...

LAUGHTER

Hang on, I'll just try and look for some more difficult questions.

LAUGHTER

A band speaks to you, doesn't it?

At some point in your life, a band speaks to.

A lyricist like Paul Weller speaks to you.

And he just spoke for my generation.

And I've pretty much, to my shame, stopped it there.

I go and see him now, and when he doesn't sing a Jam song, I'm disappointed.

But I enjoyed what they did and they spoke for people of my age.

In what way did they?

Well, they advised me not to go down in the tube station at midnight.

-There is that!

-That's always stuck with me.

Basically, his songs were always of hope,

but it was hope for people who didn't necessarily manage to

live in London at the time when punk rock was huge,

when we all thought that was the place to be.

We didn't have much punk rock in Burnley till about 1997.

Aww. That's very sad.

It never occurred to you to leave Burnley, then?

-No.

-And go in search of something different?

It just has, now you've mentioned it.

LAUGHTER

A wee bit late now, really.

Right, you've got five points and you've got two minutes,

now, on your general knowledge.

So, let's see how you do with that.

In which country was the guillotine first used

to execute a criminal in 1792?

France.

Yes. In '94, who became the first actor since

Spencer Tracy in '38 to receive the Best Actor Oscar

two years running when he won for his role in Forrest Gump?

Tom Hanks.

What kind of soup is known as "Jewish penicillin"

because of its supposed healing qualities?

Gazpacho.

Chicken soup. According to the American composer

Aaron Copland, composers tend to assume that everyone loves what?

Them.

-Ha! Music.

-Oh.

On television, who has presented Long Lost Family with

Nicky Campbell, Big Brother and Million Pound Drop.

Oh... Err...

Davina McCall.

Which Manchester City goalkeeper

who died in July 2013 aged 89,

broke a bone in his neck in the '56 FA Cup final,

but carried on playing?

Bert Trautmann.

Which group fronted by Lionel Richie before he went solo

had their only number one in '78 with Three Times a Lady?

Commodores.

Yes. What general name is applied

to the breeds of sporting gun dogs

such as the Labrador that were developed to find

and bring in dead or wounded game?

Go on.

Oh, pass.

Which muscle in the shoulder region

takes its name from the Greek letter D?

Pass.

Which former pop star founded the Monster Raving Loony Party

in 1983 as a protest against the stupidity of politics?

Screaming Lord Sutch.

Yes. Kaffeklubben Island off the coast of Greenland is generally

considered the nearest land to what geographical point?

North Pole?

What term associated with Hunter S Thompson in America in

the '70s describes a type of exaggerated subjective journalism?

Gonzo.

Whose novel An Officer And A Spy

published in September 2013 retells the story

of the Dreyfus affair, one of the great miscarriages of justice?

Robert Harris.

The artist and sculptor Eduardo Paolozzi

designed the mosaics in a central London tube station.

What's the name of the station?

Bond Street.

Tottenham Court Road.

According to the Bible, who survived a night in the lions' den?

Daniel.

Which broad-brimmed hat derives its name from the Spanish for shade?

-Fedora.

-Sombrero.

Herbert George were the first names of a British

novelist, essayist..

-BEEP

-..socialist and historian

who is now regarded as one of

the fathers of science-fiction. Who was he?

Wells.

Yes. HG Wells. Two passes.

That muscle in the shoulder region, the Greek letter D,

is the deltoid.

And, you won't like this one.

The breed of sporting gun dogs et cetera, et cetera -

-retrievers.

-Yeah.

-There we are.

However, Tony, the good news is that your score has leapt up to 16.

APPLAUSE

And now, Ava again, please.

And you do an awful lot of stand-up these days.

And I was going to ask you

whether they cut you slack cos you're a woman,

you know, make it a bit easier for you.

But, actually, having looked a bit at your history, you don't

need any favours because you started out as a prison warden.

Prison officer, yeah. They don't cut female comedians any slack.

-They make it worse, actually.

-Do they?

-Yeah.

The saying goes, "A woman's got one minute to prove she's funny,

"a man's got three minutes to prove he's not."

-It's very sexist.

-Oh, oh...

But it must have been pretty good preparation, being a prison officer?

It was. I've been heckled by people with time on their hands.

LAUGHTER

So, pretty much anything that's shouted at me,

there's nothing I haven't been called.

Doesn't faze me at all.

And you were in a woman's prison?

-No, a men's prison.

-In a men's prison?

-Pentonville.

You've got to have big, huge, strong men as well,

haven't you, as prison officers?

-Yeah, yeah, you do.

-But not really?

A few. It's all controlled. It's technique and stuff.

So, there's certain pressure points

and stuff that you can twist somebody's arm behind their back.

It's control and restraint.

I use it in the January sales.

LAUGHTER

Right, look, you've got eight points already.

Let's see how you do with your general knowledge.

Here we go. Two minutes.

Which country's travelling

football supporters are known as the Tartan Army?

Scotland.

Whose son Romeo made his modelling debut at the age of ten

in an advertising campaign in the February 2013 edition of Vogue?

David and Victoria Beckham's.

The unfinished church of the Sagrada Familia and Parc Guell,

both designed by Antoni Gaudi,

are in which European city?

Madrid?

Barcelona. What name is given to the opening

in the top of the head of mammals, such as the whale,

through which the animal breathes?

Oh... Pass.

In November 2012, which boy band

became the first British group to enter

the American charts at number one with

both of their first two albums?

One Direction?

Yes. According to the title of Sue Townsend's 2012 novel,

Eva Beaver, a wife and mother who had as much as she could take,

went to bed for how long?

30 years?

A year. Which South American country has a name that

comes from its position on the equator?

Ah...

Argentina?

No, Ecuador. What well-known phrase

indicating that there's no chance at all

of something happening prompted the aviation pioneer Lord Brabazon

to take a small pig up in one of his aircraft in 1909?

It was the world's first live cargo flight.

Pass.

What is the name of the nanny who took charge of

Jane and Michael Banks and was able to slide up the banisters?

Mary Poppins.

In Elizabethan theatre, what was a tiring-house or tiring-room?

I don't know, pass.

Which BBC Two drama series set in Birmingham after the First World War

is about gangs who sewed razorblades in the peaks of their caps?

Pass.

Who served two terms as America's 42nd president from 1993 to 2001?

Geor... Bill Clinton.

In 1926, in which major sporting venue

did the future King George VI partner Wing Commander Louis Greig

in the Men's doubles?

Wimbledon?

What is the name of Francis Ford Coppola's daughter

who became the first American woman

to be nominated for a Best Director Oscar?

It was for the 2003 film Lost in Translation.

Sofia.

Yes. Who wrote the book Sex And The City

on which the television series and films are based?

BEEP Candace Bergman.

-Say again?

-Candace Burt...

-No. Bushnell.

-Bushnell!

-Yeah, you were nearly there.

Nearly there. Your passes,

Peaky Blinders was the name of that drama series on BBC Two.

The tiring-house or tiring-room

in Elizabethan theatre was the dressing room.

Pigs might fly

-was the phrase that...

-Obvious.

-..no chance of something happening.

And the hole in the top of the mammals' head, the blowhole,

which you also knew.

-15 points.

-Thank you.

APPLAUSE

Now, Monty again, please.

And you're a marine biologist by profession.

And you don't just kind of talk about things

when you do your programmes, you do them.

Yes. It's good to sort of get up close and personal

with these animals.

They're big, impressive animals,

and often you need that idea of scale, as well.

We don't realise quite how big these things are

until you're alongside them.

But I mean, the sort of things that you do -

you became a trawlerman for how long?

I was a trawlerman for eight days.

A thoroughly memorable eight days.

I worked as a Cornish fisherman for eight months, making a programme,

but the eight days on that trawler will linger long in the memory.

They have this extraordinary work ethic.

And, also, I have an extraordinary capacity to be seasick, it turns out.

So, it was a kind of memorable combination, I think.

-Television history.

-Oh, dear.

So you spent an awful lot of time with your head over the side?

A great deal of time.

And did they laugh at you, or were they sympathetic?

They were kind of sympathetic.

One of them draped his arms round my shoulders and said,

"I've got a cure for sea sickness. Just listen.

"Just listen, and I'll tell you."

I thought, "Wow, I'm going to be a millionaire",

cos we all want a cure for sea sickness.

And he said, "When it's rough, I don't go out."

So, that was his cure for sea sickness.

-Very helpful.

-Yes.

-Excellent.

Right, now, Monty, you have eight points.

16 is, as we speak, the score to beat,

if you're in with a chance of the title.

So, here we go. Two minutes of general knowledge.

In schools, the name of which non-academic subject is often

abbreviated to PE?

Physical Education.

In January 2013, JJ Abrams was named as the director of

Episode VII of which long-running science fiction film franchise?

Ooh... Err...

Star Trek?

Star Wars. What was Sir Thomas Bloodworth,

the Lord Mayor of London,

summoned to see at 3am on 2nd September 1666?

He said, "Someone could urinate on it to put it out"

and went back to bed.

The Great Fire of London.

Yes. What is the name of the former Life Guards officer who topped

the singles and album charts in 2005 with You're Beautiful

and Back To Bedlam.

James Blunt.

The city of Kimberley is the centre of

the diamond mining industry in which country?

South Africa.

Yes. In Moscow in August 2013,

who became the first British woman to win two athletics outdoor

world titles when she won gold in the 400m in a photo finish?

Christine Ohura?

No, Christine Ohuruogu.

What is the name of the villainous one-legged pirate

in Robert Louis Stevenson's novel Treasure Island?

Long John Silver?

Yes. Which stone below the ramparts of an Irish castle

is said to give eloquence to those who kiss it?

The Blarney Stone.

Yes. Spotted, striped and brown

are the three species of a dog-like animal native to Africa and Asia.

What's the animal called?

Sorry, can you repeat the question?

Yes. Spotted, striped and brown

are the three species of a dog-like

animal native to Africa and Asia.

What's the animal called?

A hyena.

In The Simpsons, what is the name of Mr Burns' personal assistant?

Oh... Smithers.

Yes. Sir Robert Walpole is generally considered to be the first

person to be referred to by what title as head of the government,

although, at the time, it was considered a term of abuse?

Prime Minister.

Yes. Irish stew traditionally

consists of alternate layers of potatoes, onions and...

Lamb.

Yeah, or mutton.

Alexander McCall Smith's book

The Limpopo Academy of Private Detection

is the 13th in the series of novels about what organisation?

The Ladies' Detective Agency.

Yeah, I'll give you that.

The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency.

What name, shared by several medieval kings of England,

-features in the titles...

-BEEP

..of seven of Shakespeare's history plays?

Oh... Um...

Pass.

-Henry.

-Of course.

-You knew it, didn't you?

-Yeah.

That was your only pass. Monty, you've now gone up to 19 points.

Thank you.

APPLAUSE

And, finally, Richard, again, please.

And I'm so unused to seeing you in a dog collar, Richard,

cos we meet in the studio at half past eight on Saturday mornings

before you go to do your radio programme,

and you're not wearing a dog collar then.

I wonder whether you really are a reverend, at times.

Some of my parishioners wonder the same thing.

So, you've got a parish?

Yes, the parish of Finedon in Northamptonshire.

A lovely parish.

But you do lots and lots of broadcasting and other things?

Well, a fair bit, yes. I'm half-time.

-I'm paid for half-time.

-Really? Literally?

-You get paid for half-time?

-Yeah. Lots of us do now.

-More and more of us are servants of two masters.

-Really?

And which one is the more important master? God or the BBC?

Is there a difference?

LAUGHTER

The answer would be God, John.

But God moves in mysterious ways, which has always suited me very well.

LAUGHTER

-Gives a perfect excuse, doesn't it?

-Yeah.

Richard, thank you for that.

Now, you've got ten points and 19 is the score to beat.

So, two minutes.

You might have the title, or you might not. Here we go.

What type of hat is traditionally worn with white tie

and tails in full evening dress?

A top hat.

The Teal is the smallest

European member of which species of birds?

Ducks.

The island of Murano, celebrated for glassmaking,

lies just to the north of which Italian city?

Venice.

The tenor Sir Peter Pears,

a co-founder of the Aldeburgh music festival,

was for many years the partner of an English composer. What was his name?

Britten.

Which Spaghetti Western of 1966 had the original Italian title

'Il buono, il brutto, il cattivo'?

The Good, The Bad And The Ugly.

Norman Foster and Richard Rogers

are famous for work in which profession?

Architecture.

In Alice's Adventures In Wonderland, what's all that's left behind

of the Cheshire Cat after it informs Alice,

"We're all mad here," and vanishes?

Its grin.

Which 74-year-old country singer appeared in the Sunday afternoon legend spot on the Pyramid Stage

of the Glastonbury in 2013?

-Tammy Wynette.

-Kenny Rogers.

Which salad, consisting of Romaine lettuce and crouton,

with a dressing of Parmesan cheese, egg and garlic vinaigrette

is named after the chef who was said

to have created it in his restaurant in Tijuana, Mexico in 1924?

Caesar salad.

What is the common name for the star Sirius,

the brightest star in the heavens

and in the constellation Canis Major?

The Dog Star.

Which seaside resort in North West England holds an annual

flower show in Victoria Park in August?

Blackpool.

Southport. Which instrument, the largest member of the violin family,

is usually played by plucking with the fingers

when it's part of the rhythm section of a jazz band?

The double bass.

In the celebrated comedy sketch about a blood donor,

who objected to giving a pint of blood with the comment,

"That's very nearly an armful!"

Tony Hancock.

Which detective fiction writer was born in Torquay in 1890 with

the maiden name Miller,

but is known by the surname of her first husband, who divorced her in 1928.

Agatha Christie.

In what athletics event did Great Britain's Greg Rutherford

win gold at the 2012 London Olympics?

-Triple jump.

-Long jump.

What word does the Speaker of the House of Commons traditionally

say twice to gain control of unruly MPs during a debate?

Order.

Yes. Which mythological monster with a head of a bull

and the body of a man was annually fed with seven youths

and seven maidens, sent as tribute from Athens?

The Minotaur.

In which Commonwealth country was the one dollar coin...

-BEEP

-..introduced in 1987,

known as a loonie after the bird

that appears on its reverse?

Would that be Ghana?

No, it wouldn't be,

-it would be Canada.

-Oh.

However, doesn't really matter,

Richard, because you have 24 points.

APPLAUSE

Well, a very clear victor there.

Let's have a look at the scores.

In fourth place, with 15 points, Ava Vidal.

Third place, 16 points, Tony Livesey.

Second place, 19 points, Monty Halls.

First place, with 24 points, Richard Coles.

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

Richard, come and get it.

-Thank you very much.

-Congratulations.

-Thank you. That's lovely.

So, quizzer? New career?

Tempting. I enjoyed it very much.

I enjoyed it rather more than is good for me, I'm sure.

LAUGHTER

With due humility, exactly. Well done. Congratulations.

Now, you don't have to be a celebrity

to take part in the regular Mastermind programme.

And, if you would like to appear in the next series on BBC Two,

then do please visit us online at...

Or, you can follow us on Twitter...

Thanks for watching.

Do join us again for more Masterminds. Goodbye.

APPLAUSE