Time Killer Magic

This programme contains some strong language

Five magicians go head-to-head to find out

who is better than the rest.

Oh, my God! That's amazing!

The stakes are deadly.

Because the loser will face a trick

that's killed or injured magicians in the past.

-GIRL SCREAMS

-This...

is Killer Magic.

Can we get medical help?

So, let's meet the five magicians.

First up, it's our resident purple-haired bombshell

Jasz Vegas.

I would describe my style of magic as lots of fun and very quirky.

So, if you can sign her name in the white bit.

I quite like to do things that really involve my audience

and then, at the last minute, add something in that wasn't expected.

-Have a look, yeah.

-Bloody hell!

Next up, it's hashtag-lad Damien O'Brien.

I definitely try and play to the close-up as much as I can

cos I know my strengths.

-Take this one.

-King of hearts, right?

-Yes.

-But, I will jump out of my comfort zone

and I'll play with some big boy toys too.

Oh, shit! Look! It's inside the fish.

This champion eyebrow raiser

is geeky mind-reader Chris Cox.

My magic's different from the other magicians

in that it's a bit shitter.

I want you, Joe, to think of any superhero for me.

I try do my reading stuff, influencing, that type of nonsense.

-Tell me, what superhero are you thinking of?

-Wonder Woman.

People see me, they freak out.

And then when I do a trick, they freak out even more.

-I can believe that.

-It's crazy.

-Yeah.

Say hello to handsome fellow Ben Hart, the gent.

Magic is pretty unique in that anything is possible.

I need to borrow a coin and also a note.

It should be approached with imagination and with generosity.

-SHE GASPS

-Do you see what's happening?

It's completely weird, isn't it?

-I'm shaking.

-Are you shaking? Oh, no. It's OK, it's going to be OK.

Finally, it's our ray of sunshine in the shape of Goth Dee Christopher.

I like to do things that really get to people.

This is going to hurt.

Oh, my God. That noise!

The idea of a bit of risk and a bit of danger

and something that is a bit more brutal excites me.

Oh, my God. I was like pulling that nail out his foot.

Not only will our five magicians be competing,

they'll also be scoring each other out of ten,

all of them trying to avoid that killer trick.

-MOBILE PHONE BEEPS Here we go, text is in.

-Oh-ho.

Which this week is...

-Russian Roulette.

-Oh.

That sounds ominous, doesn't it?

Over the years, there have been hundreds of tricks using

the high-stakes danger of Russian roulette.

They have maimed many magicians, cutting themselves,

burning themselves, slamming their hands onto spikes.

This week's lowest scorer will put their body in peril.

Yes, this twisted version of Russian roulette raises the odds.

We've designed a roulette chair, it's less about chance

and more about pain, as five ropes are attached to different parts

of the loser's anatomy.

Four of the five will be cut...but which four?

One wrong decision and our unlucky magician might be saying goodbye

to a precious piece of flesh.

All they need now is a theme to base their tricks on.

-Time.

-Time.

All right, so that's what? That's clocks, watches,

-the general concept of...

-Of time.

-Travel.

-Time travel. Speed.

-Time travel. Forwards and backwards.

-Time is quite magical.

Thanks, Ben, that is why we chose it.

OK, remember our five magicians are performing in front of real people.

There are no stooges, no camera tricks, no funny business.

Just magic.

First to flex their magical muscles is housewives' favourite Ben.

He's in a laboratory rewriting the rules of time...apparently.

Course he is.

I'm feeling pretty confident about my trick. But

my audience is made up of scientists.

So they're going to be a bit analytical.

So I'm worried about that.

Hello, nice to meet you. I understand that you're scientists.

And as scientists, you monitor and study the passage of time

in everything you do.

And as humans, our lives are completely led by time.

They already seem fascinated.

And it's not just these two Ben has to impress.

The other magicians are loitering in the background

and will give their verdicts at the end.

And personally, I feel completely lost without my watch on.

Makes me panic.

But as a magician, I have a...

a strange way of always being able to tell the time.

So, I will need a piece of ice...

Oh, it's quite cold. For example, that piece.

And I'm going to attempt to heat it...in such a way...

that I can reform it.

Like this.

HE BLOWS REPEATEDLY

-No!

-No!

And I can inflate it into something you might be familiar with.

-It's a...it's a test tube isn't it?

-Yeah.

And I've also got some salt here, which is the arch nemesis of ice.

And I will...pour some of this into the test tube.

-Like this.

-Oh, that's a waste of salt.

Some(!)

Some, yeah. Quite a lot actually.

OK.

I will now attempt to heat the top.

And let it fold in on itself, like that.

-Can you see? And then...

-That's a bit weird.

And then...bit more heat...

I can twist it.

-And it becomes a sand timer.

-No.

Do you want to...? You can touch it.

-Let me feel that, please.

-Great.

Now, admittedly that's quite a lot of work to go to

just to be able to track time.

If I turn it back up the opposite way,

the salt flows from that chamber, back to that chamber,

which means that time must be going backwards.

-Yeah.

-And if time's going backwards, we're all a little bit younger now.

That's fantastic, stop the wrinkling.

And, in fact, if we go back far enough,

that goes back to a piece of ice.

-Wow.

-And the salt is back in the salt shaker.

-Have you realised that...

-Oh, my God! What?

-I know.

And the watch...

is back on my wrist.

God.

Hello, nice to meet you, I understand that you're scientists.

He had an ice bowl and he blew, um...

sort of like, a test tube from it, a glass one.

-No!

-No!

And I was just, "How did that happen?"

I didn't catch that at all,

when the watch reappeared on his wrist I was like, "Oh, my God!"

I was, like, didn't even see it and I was watching really closely.

I've had a lot of fun doing that.

I think that their brains, sort of, exploded.

Oh, my God! What?

They couldn't really comprehend everything.

It's bizarre. I'm no fan of it, nah.

I can't cope.

So let's see how his magical competitors scored him.

I know Ben can do a lot more with his tricks,

but his time stuff, I really enjoyed.

Seven.

Seven.

Cool trick, but he can do better.

I give it a seven.

Ben's trick had some great moments in it.

So I'm going to give it a...

Eight.

That gives Ben a comfortable 29.

Right, Damien's turn now.

I ain't going to lie, I'm a little bit nervous this week

because this ain't really my style...of magic.

Despite his refusal to wear formal footwear,

he's managed to sneak past security into a VIP champagne bar... Ooh!

..where he's managed to impress

Emily and Rhiona with his time trick.

In life, we all have these amazing memories,

different points in time where we look back and think,

"Wow, this was really incredible."

Emily, what was that one memory you have?

It was the first time I ever actually met my American auntie.

I went over to Florida to meet her.

That's cool. OK...um, before we take this a bit further,

either one of you have a bit of change?

-Yes, I do actually.

-I'm a magician, I don't get paid that much so...

-Loving the banter.

-Cheers, that'll do.

-Thank you.

-That's great.

Now, Emily, what was the year you went and saw your auntie?

-2000.

-2000? OK.

I'm just going to write...2000 on the coin.

OK? So now, we know that's your coin

of the year you went and saw your auntie in Florida.

I've got, um...

-an empty bottle of champagne, essentially.

-Oh.

We were out partying last night.

I tell you what, uh...

Can you hold your hand up for me, just like this?

Squeeze the neck of the bottle really tight.

I'm going to take the coin that says 2000 on it.

OK? Now you've seen a ship in a bottle before, right?

I'm going to put time in a bottle.

So watch if I just...

COIN RATTLES

Just like that. Can you see that? And that's this coin...

-Yep.

-With 2000 on it.

-The other side of the bottle.

-Yeah.

If you hold your hand up for me...

Watch, cup 'them together, both of them.

Watch.

If I can just...

Slowly, it slowly starts to...

out the bottle.

Just like that. Show each other, as well.

-Both have a look, show it...

-Is that is definitely your coin.

Show 'em, show 'em, show 'em all.

-You can keep hold of that.

-Thank you.

-Now, you said you went to Florida

-in 2000?

-Hmm.

-And that was an important memory.

-Hmm.

Now, I'm going to give you a gift to, you know, look back on that memory

and celebrate it.

So, look, if I took the bottle... And watch.

I just focus, and it slowly starts to chill. And it also seals back up.

And watch, if I do it right,

it actually fills with champagne again.

-Feel it.

-No!

One last thing, um, what was the year?

2000.

I'd have been close, that was 2006, but um,

that would've been really good.

So look, watch, I tell you what, if I just rub on the vintage date,

I'll turn it to 2000 for you. GIRLS GASP

And then you can open that bottle on the next memorable experience.

Thank you. It's insane.

I think we know which one's Damien's favourite.

I still can't work it out. Still in shock.

-Really, really good magic.

-Yeah.

I'm really happy. I hope the other magicians are happy.

So, what did these two ladies think of Damien's charms?

Slightly freaked out.

Yeah, I'm a bit scared of him now.

Weird. He's weird.

It was great close-up magic done in a perfect environment for close up.

-Cheers.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

A pithy analysis, Chris.

Right, time for the scores.

It was nice seeing Damien do a trick that was more sentimental.

So I'm going to give him a...

She has ruined that condom.

Eight.

I'll give it eight.

He gets a seven.

It was classy and amazing, so it gets...

..an eight.

That is a total of 31 for Damien, which is now the score to beat.

Up next, it's brain meddler Chris Cox.

I'm going to try and break time a little bit in this one

and hack the future. Yeah, it's a thing.

He's giving a group of journalism and media students

a mind-reading internship at his fictitious tabloid organisation

the Daily Cox. Also, this character he's doing

definitely needs its own spin-off show.

You want to impress me, you better impress me,

I'm the boss, this is my newspaper, what's your name?

-Sammy.

-OK, Sammy. Right, you're going to be our editor,

-is that all right?

-Yes.

-You haven't got a choice. Editor's what you are.

We're going to come up with a brand-new page for the Daily...

PHONE RINGS Sorry, I've got a phone call.

Ooh! Looks like it's a phone call from the uh...

phone call from the future.

Hello?

Ah! Hi, Chris Cox from the future.

You sound sexy and important.

Yeah, oh, OK, yeah, I've got this.

Uh-huh.

Tell me what to write.

Right, that's the headline. Then what?

By-line.

Yeah, I can draw that.

Feature.

Thanks very much, bye. Lovely.

So what we have here is tomorrow's news today.

I'll seal them up inside this.

Pop them just up here.

Fully in sight but just out of reach. Bit like your dreams, Sammy.

GIRLS LAUGH Right.

Let's get on with making the news.

What's the headline story?

It's the Daily Cox, it's a newspaper all about me.

Sammy, you're the editor.

-Sex scandal.

-Sex scandal. It's a good start.

-OK, at the end, Laura.

-Cox In Magaluf.

Cox In Magaluf. Amy!

-Cox Rescues Orphans.

-Rescues orphans.

A nice humanitarian look. What do we want to go for, Sammy?

-You're the editor, what's the big story here?

-I like the Magaluf one.

Cox In Magaluf. OK, let's run with this.

Is that the headline on its own, Sammy, or is it more than that?

Cox On Magaluf Beach.

Cox On Magaluf Beach, are you sure?

-Yeah.

-Lock it in, bang it home, whack it in.

We need to work out a strap line for that,

which sells the story slightly further.

Sammy, what's our strap line?

What's the interesting reason to keep reading?

You're having a sex scandal with the Royal Family.

Always with the sex scandal with you, Sammy, what's going on?

-What do we think?

-Why...why not?

-You want it?

-Well, cool, let's go with it.

-Give me the proper phrasing then.

Sexy romp with mystery royal.

Next thing is we need a by-line.

This is who it's by. So what shall we call them?

Sammy give me a first name.

-Uh...Melissa.

-Melissa. Amy give me a first name.

-Stephen.

-Rebecca two, give me a second name.

-Ferguson.

-Laura, give me a second name.

-Ronald.

-Ronald.

-Watson.

-Watson.

You get to make the name up, what shall we go for?

-Melissa Watson.

-Melissa Watson, are we sure?

-Yeah.

Lock it in, bang it home. By Melissa Watson.

It's going well. We need a picture.

Amy.

Um...just like a pair of boxers in the sand with a tiara.

-A pair of boxer shorts and a tiara...

-And a tiara.

-..in the sand?

-With a crab next to it.

With a crab next to it? Good luck, everyone.

Now, we've got one final thing to do,

is to work out what the inside feature is.

This is the big splash that makes people want to buy the paper.

-Cox for breakfast.

-I like that.

Yes? Cox for breakfast.

So I'll say, inside, "Cox for breakfast."

Before you came in, would you have thought

-you'd have come up with any of that stuff? GIRLS:

-No.

It's weird how the brain works, isn't it?

You know what? We've created tomorrow's news today.

That's what we've done. If you know tomorrow's news today,

that is where you can make the money.

Out of sight, out of reach. That's all we've been doing.

Out of sight, out of reach.

-That's been in your eye line the whole time, correct?

-Yeah.

No-one can get up there.

You've created a newspaper that you've just invented right now?

Have a little look at the Daily Cox.

Shut up. Oh, my God!

"Cox On Magaluf Beach."

There's our headline. The strap line is, "Sexy romp with mystery royal."

Who's it by? It's by Melissa Watson,

there she is. And there's the picture of the crab with the boxers

on the beach. GIRLS LAUGH

Lovely little umbrella. You can see that's sand.

And inside..."Cox for breakfast."

You think you're original journalists,

you're so predictable! GIRLS LAUGH

I don't really understand how our random thoughts

can be communicated onto a piece of paper...

before we'd even thought of them.

-Shut up.

-Cox On Magaluf Beach, there's our headline.

They seemed to really...properly have their minds blown,

which is exactly what I wanted from this trick.

It was more about newspapers and more about him

than it was about time.

He did phone himself from the future to deliver tomorrow's news.

But anyway, let's see how the magicians scored Chris.

There was far too many Cox puns for me.

Seven.

Didn't really strike a chord with me.

So for that reason, I'll give it...a six.

Six.

I was a big fan of Chris' newspaper trick, so he gets...

an eight.

27 for Chris, then.

So, as it stands, he's facing the Russian Roulette killer trick.

-MAN:

-Arghhhh!

Hoping she'll do better, is Jasz.

This trick is quite different to my usual style,

so I'm quite excited about trying something outside of my comfort zone

and hopefully I'll get points for that.

Hi, girls, I'm Jasz, what's your name?

-I'm Heather.

-I'm Stacey.

I'm here today to show you a trick based around the concept of time.

And to help me explain this concept, I have some items.

I have a rose bush.

Heather can you come join me up here a moment?

I'd like you to sign a leaf for me.

OK. OK. So I'll give you the pen.

Fantastic.

So if I just pull your leaf...

off of the bush...

And I want to cover the bush back up again.

Remember to be delicate, that's a very expensive pla...

Oh, forget it.

I want to take you on a journey back in time.

Let's say...30 seconds.

Back to when you hadn't signed this leaf.

What was that?

I've just pulled your signature right off that leaf.

-Oh, my.

-But we're going to go back further, OK?

So, if I pop this leaf...into the box.

And, Stacey, can you pop your hand out for me?

Pop the other hand on top.

So we're going to go back even further.

Let's say...

a season.

-Fuck off.

-That's weird.

We are now back in autumn.

But I reckon we can go back even further than that.

So I pop that back in.

I want to go back to before this leaf even existed.

What?!

And if this box is empty,

that means that the bush must not exist.

That means this box must be empty too.

Oh, my...God.

But there's massive repercussions from playing with time.

So we need to go right back to the present.

When there was a bush.

THEY LAUGH

And....

-Don't.

-No.

Your signed leaf...was still attached to the plant.

It is. It's actually on there.

-Is that your writing?

-That's my writing.

That's what I done, cos I did a really long L.

I really enjoyed performing it, which was great.

And I think the spectators really enjoyed watching it,

which is even better.

I don't understand how she got the leaf to disappear, at all.

What?!

Or get it back on the bush.

It's actually on there.

-Mind-blowing. Yeah.

-Absolutely mind-blowing.

So, Jasz has an impressive bush. But what do the magicians think?

Quite a beautiful story to go backwards in time by seasons

and all these little increments, but I think, maybe,

Jasz could've actually...presented the trick with a little bit...

uh, more, perhaps, enthusiasm.

Well, that's Ben's verdict. But let's see how Jasz scores overall.

Loved the theatrical structure.

Seven.

Let the flower see the power.

I'll give it a six.

You're getting a seven.

It was beautiful traditional magic, which I give...

a seven.

That gives Jasz a score of 27 and ties her with Chris,

placing them both in line for the Russian Roulette killer trick.

With only Dee the Goth to go,

and his trick is taking place in his back garden.

I'm joking, of course. This trick is actually taking place in a cemetery.

Dee's gone back to Goth basics and hired Mariah Carey's wind machine.

It's very different from the big, flashy stuff

that we're used to, that get the big wow reactions.

It's something more slow burning, that has a deeper emotional impact.

Sounds intense.

Ladies, it's lovely to see you. My name's Dee.

-I'm Suzanne.

-Suzanne.

-Paula.

-And Paula.

-Yeah.

If you'd like to walk with me.

Don't do it.

I'm fascinated by old things. I like to collect curios and antiquities.

The most fascinating thing for me is using my imagination

to try and figure out the origins or the back stories of these pieces.

With this particular piece...

this watch,

I didn't have to use my imagination...

because the keeper of the weird old shop that I got it from

told me all about it.

He told me that it used to belong to a young boy called Timothy Grainger,

a young boy who now lives six feet below where we're standing.

After his father gave this watch to him, he carried it everywhere.

Apparently, the watch stopped as his heart did.

I'd like you to hold onto this watch for the time being.

And we'll come back to it at the end.

It's my belief that if somebody had real magical powers,

one of the most attractive concepts...

would be to bring someone back that we've lost.

If only...

..for a few days.

What might be a better solution though is to prevent their death

in the first place.

You can see young Timothy...

he died when he was only 12 years old, in 1938,

as is etched on the gravestone.

He died due to surgical complications.

The doctors simply ran out of time.

Imagine if Timothy had been in hospital now,

with the techniques and the technology that we've got,

he may not have passed.

But perhaps, what might be more effective,

is to prevent the death from happening in the first place.

In that way, they could potentially have many more years,

many more amazing experiences,

if only we had that power.

-GIRLS LAUGH

-Oh, my God!

Now, you can see...

Timothy Grainger lived a long and full life.

Full of many more experiences...

was only buried a few weeks ago, at age 88.

-It's been wonderful spending the evening with you.

-It has, thank you.

But, really, I'm here to return this watch to it's rightful owner.

That it might tick again.

-Thank you very much, girls.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

The whole time, I was just feeling a bit scared, like,

what's going to happen? And I thought it was quite eerie.

It was just, it was amazing, you know.

For me, I really enjoyed it

and it's something that resonates quite strongly with me.

Hopefully, this man has now had a fulfilling life

and it's not a tragedy about a wee boy...dying.

So, it's amazing. Very impressed.

It added a real nice element of romantic wistfulness to it,

-which I'm a fan of.

-People have been dying to see that trick.

-Ooh!

-Quite literally.

It wasn't really worth wait.

Can you high five in a graveyard, is that disrespectful?

Well, they're going to be cursed forever.

That is wrong on so many levels.

Right, let's get the scores.

I think Dee's presentation was great,

but I think the change should've been much more visual on his trick.

So I give it a...

..seven.

Dee, you're getting a six.

Dee's trick was a grave mistake, so it gets...

six.

I had really high hopes for Dee's trick,

but sadly, I didn't really care for it.

I'm only going to give it a five.

Oh, dear, Dee's theatrics didn't impress the magicians,

who scored him with a lowly 24.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner.

And, more importantly, a loser.

So, let's tell the magicians.

This week's winner, with a total of 31 points is...

Damien. OTHERS CHEER

Champion.

The lowest scorer and the magician facing the danger

of the Russian Roulette killer trick is...

Ooh, this one doesn't sound good.

Dee. OTHERS LAUGH

Oh, Dee, have you got any piercings?

Well...basically...

This is incredible. He's...

Of everyone who loses, we get the one that's got a cock piercing.

Your cock could be up on the ceiling in a few minutes.

That's the trick you should've done.

Dee...it's the moment of truth.

This is...

Russian Roulette.

Would you like to take a seat?

Dee is to be attached like a masochistic puppet

to the killer magic Russian Roulette chair.

Five means of torture are available.

However, only four of the lines will be cut to release the pain.

At risk, a £100 bottle of Dee's favourite whiskey.

-Meh.

-SCREAMING

A rat trap on one hand.

burning candle wax on the other.

A clip attached to his beard - that's got to hurt.

And, of course, the piece de resistance -

a hook attached to his actual penis.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Let go, let go!

He certainly seems to be enjoying himself.

Professional doctors are on hand

to check that Dee

is in fact...attached.

-Can you confirm that is on Dee's...?

-Yes.

-It's a highly vascular area.

-Yes.

-Very vascular.

So if there's an injury, there'd be a lot of blood.

It would never be the same again.

LAUGHTER

Seven years at medical school for this.

Professional doctor Belinda will be picking four of the five

colour-coded ropes to be cut and has no idea

which of Dee's tortures they're attached to.

Which colour rope would you like me to cut?

Here goes.

-Green, please.

-Green?

-Dee?

-Yes?

-I hope you're ready.

-No.

OTHERS: Ohhh!

-What was it?

-It was my fucking chin, mate.

The moral of the story? Never grow a ropey looking beard.

Belinda,

what rope would you like to cut next?

Um...

-Black, please.

-Black?

-Yeah.

-What will black be attached to?

Is it the end for little Dee?

Three.

-BOTH:

-Two.

One.

ALL GROAN

Well, we always knew this challenge would be whiskey.

Get it? Whiskey.

-I'm so sorry.

-It's time to cut the third rope.

-Yeah.

-Which colour would you like me to cut?

-Blue.

-Blue?

-Argh!

-LAUGHTER

It's the hot wax treatment.

-Fucking hell.

-Dee?

-What?

This is the moment of truth.

Yes, I fucking know, Damien O'Brien.

There are two left.

One attached to your manhood.

And a rat trap.

Belinda, this is all on you now.

Which colour rope would you like me to cut next?

-Yellow.

-Yellow?

Yes.

Will Dee join the long list of magicians

to have broken their magic wands?

I can barely watch.

Arghhh!

What was it, the rat trap?

-Was it the trap?

-It was the rat trap.

-APPLAUSE

Evidently, the odds were in my favour today.

His cock is still attached.

Yeah, his cock's still attached, thank God.

Yeah, don't touch it, I'll...I'll undo that in a minute.

Dee's reproductive organs have survived

the deadly Russian Roulette trick.

Next time, someone might not be as lucky...on Killer Magic.

# I came in like a wrecking ball

# I never hit so hard in love

# All I wanted was to break your walls

# All you ever did was

# Wre-e-eck me

# I came in like a wrecking ball

# Yeah, I just closed my eyes and swung

# Left me crashing in a blazing fall

# All you ever did was... #