Sport Killer Magic

This programme contains some strong language

Five magicians go head-to-head

to find out who is better than the rest.

-Oh, shit! Look!

-The stakes are deadly...

..because the loser will face a trick

that has killed or injured magicians in the past.

-SHE SCREAMS

-Shut up.

I feel sick.

This is Killer Magic.

-WOMAN SHRIEKS

-Can we get medical in?

So let's meet the five magicians fighting to the death.

Maybe.

This fast-fingered fellow is Damien O'Brien, also known as The Geezer.

My style is very flashy, showing off.

When I perform, it's very intimate, like...

It's kind of, like, in-your-face, very visual-style magic.

-Wait, you said yours was jack of hearts, right?

-Yeah.

Watch. I'll just...

-THEY LAUGH

-That's amazing.

This handsome chap is mind-reader Chris Cox, The Geek.

I try and do mind-reading stuff, influencing, that type of nonsense.

OK, can you remember that word? Banana.

I like it that people think I can get inside their head.

-Cross, yeah?

-No.

What was the word you were thinking of?

Cat. How do you spell cat?

THEY LAUGH

Dee Christopher doesn't like to blink.

He's also a Goth.

The stuff that really excites me in performance is

when you strike a different kind of a chord with people.

Whoa.

No way.

Sort of spook them a bit or creep them out.

And ruin their tea parties.

-SMASHING

-Oh, there you go.

There's Jasz Vegas.

She's unoriginally chosen the nickname The Girl.

I am a girl, so I suppose that it makes sense.

Can you just check that's a real nail for me?

'But just because I'm a girl doesn't mean

'I don't do it as well as the guys.'

And by "it" she means hammering a nail into her face.

That's certainly one way to clear a blocked nose.

Lastly, meet Ben Hart, The Gent.

I like to do magic which is really visual,

and I think as magicians we should be able to alter objects.

Now, most coins fall downwards, only this coin falls upwards.

-THEY LAUGH

-What?!

Not only are the magicians competing, they're also scoring

each other out of ten, all of them trying to avoid that killer trick.

Oh, we have a message.

"Dear magicians..." That's us.

-"..this week's killer trick is..."

-Du-du-du-dum.

"..the Buzz Saw."

-ALL:

-Ooh.

-Oh, indeed.

"So the loser of the competition will be cut in half by a circular saw.

"Since it was first invented in the 1920s,

"versions of the sawing-in-half trick

"have injured and killed both magicians and their assistants."

-Good luck, everyone.

-Goodie.

Yes, this saw moves faster than Usain Bolt on a bullet train

and has sharper teeth than Dracula's Rottweiler.

Yeah!

It's lethal because you've got a real circular saw spinning

with no safety protection, and it goes through your stomach.

Yeah, that's the bad bit, isn't it?

What they need now is a theme to base their tricks on.

This week's theme is...

It's in all caps, so I'm going to shout it.

..SPORT!

Boom! You all fucking lost.

These five magicians are performing in front of real people.

You're seeing genuine reactions to the skills of the magicians,

no CGI, no camera tricks.

First up it's Ben, The Gent.

Anyone for tennis?

I chose tennis because there's so much you can do with it.

I've been practising so much, now I feel like an expert.

So I've got my tennis bat, and let's hit the tennis pitch.

Yes, I think it's called a tennis court.

The other magicians are there to watch,

already protecting their groins in the event of a misfired ball.

-I've got a pen here.

-OK.

Would you mark your initials on the key for me

so that you'll recognise it when you see it again?

-OK. Just here?

-Yeah.

Great. AC. So, I'm going to thread this onto the shoe base like this.

-OK.

-Now, do you agree that there's no way that that key

can come off that lace?

-No.

-Unless of course it comes off the ends.

-Yeah.

But I've found that to be quite unreliable, look,

because sometimes the key just sort of...

..comes right off, see?

And it...not for long, it always just jumps back on.

OK.

Just check that really is your key with your signature

and it really is on there.

Yeah, no, it's on.

But I'm going to try and link it onto something even more impossible.

-OK.

-So, down here in my bag, I have this tennis racket.

Will you hold on to the racket for me?

-OK.

-Now keep your eye on your key.

-Mm-hm.

Sometimes, if you get it just right, the key sort of...

You see that?

It starts to fade away until it's completely gone.

SHE LAUGHS But, you know, it doesn't go far.

-Mm-hm.

-You might not believe this, but...

..if I take this off.

Look.

Now, linked onto the tennis racket is your key.

Check that really is your signature.

And it is absolutely linked on there.

That's amazing.

-That is impossible, there's no way it can...

-No, there's no way.

And the strings are tight.

But I have a magical way of getting it off.

OK, how?

-Are you ready?

-Yeah.

-You'll be amazed.

-OK.

This was not in the risk assessment.

THEY LAUGH

I have a feeling that Ben hasn't been attending those

anger management classes recently.

-I got your key back.

-That's right, smile and nod

-and try to make your escape when he's not looking.

-It's magic.

No, it's not, he's just smashed a tennis racket.

Oh, that was the hardest magic I've done in a long time.

So the racket's screwed.

Just a little bit.

But we did get the key back.

But I've got an idea, actually.

Let me get back the head cover.

It's more like a racket coffin now.

I'll put these bits in.

Will you hold out both your hands for me?

Perfect, take this.

The final piece of the handle,

just put that in there.

Will you snap your fingers over the top?

-Did you feel that?

-No.

I think it's happened, look.

The racket is now completely back to normal.

Look, have a look.

No.

There's no break, there's nothing.

I thought you broke it.

And then I fixed it.

That's amazing.

He smashed it and then, in my hand, it's back together.

I thought you broke it.

And then I fixed it.

It's amazing, I just don't get it at all.

I thought it was great. There was so much magic going on in there.

Um, he was dressed like an absolute twat, but the tricks were amazing.

Yeah, those in glass houses, Damien...

So what did the other magicians make of Ben's performance?

It's time for the scores.

I thought The Gentleman Ben Hart's tennis trick

was absolutely smashing, so I'm going to give him...

an eight.

I'm going to give Ben a seven.

I love Ben's interpretation of a classic but with a twist,

so I give it a...

..eight.

Ben's trick was really Wimble-done, like, really well done.

Ah, forget it. A seven.

Yeah that's going to need some work, Chris.

So, Ben is off to a flying start

with an impressive score of 30.

Next up to perform it's natural born athlete Chris, aka, The Geek.

So I've got to do a trick about sport.

The only sport I have ever done is PE at school, and I hated it.

Genuinely got a note from my chiropractor

to get me out of rugby once. I would do everything to get

out of doing sport, forget my kit. Whatever happened, I had to do it.

Looks like some things never change.

For this trick, Chris has a real PE teacher - Mr Smart -

and a sick note.

-Got a letter from my mum here, so there you go.

-Thank you.

And now, like the PE teachers at school, you won't look at it,

you'll fold it up, you'll put it in your pocket,

thanks very much.

But I haven't got my kit, so instead, you'll pick items

out of lost property for me to wear, happy with that?

That'd be a pleasure, yeah.

Genuinely have a free choice, pick.

Ah, you've gone straight for that, thanks very much.

Brilliant.

Great. What about some socks for me?

-And you've gone for a blue sock.

-Yep.

-You happy with all these?

-Yeah, happy.

-You want to change any?

-No.

Right, thanks for that, I'll go and get changed.

I can't wait.

You seem very excited about this, I'm genuinely concerned.

All right, I'll be back in a minute.

And the look for spring/summer next season is...

-THEY LAUGH

-I definitely would.

-Oh, my God.

-Thanks very much.

-Ready for a trick?

-I'm ready.

If you guys want to head over there, you're going to walk with me.

What I'm going to do is do some trampolining for you.

-Over here, we've got a load of trampolining poses.

-Mm-hm.

Here they all are. Here's all the things that I can do.

-And this is what you're going to do, sir.

-Right.

-You are going to think of the pose you'd like me to do.

-Uh-huh.

You're then going to point at it. And when you want to see it,

you'll see me do it in your mind

-and then you're going to blow your whistle.

-OK.

-OK? Happy with that?

-Yeah, happy.

-Perfect. Like my hair?

-Love it.

Good, I'm going to be blindfolded.

I don't want you thinking that someone's telling me

what you're doing or they're pointing it out

-or there's a reflection or anything like that.

-OK.

-OK.

THEY LAUGH

Does that look all right?

-Hold on.

-Yep, that's a big improvement.

-Thanks.

Would help if I didn't have my glasses on.

Mr Smart, I can't see you, are you still here?

Yes, I am.

So think about the first pose you'd like me to do in your head.

-OK.

-Have you got it?

-Yes.

Point at it and blow your whistle whenever you're ready.

WHISTLE BLOWS Star jumps!

-Is that it?

-Yes, that was it.

Full marks for mind-reading,

nought out of ten for elegance.

-Right!

-What was that?

We'll do it slightly differently this time.

Think of two, point at two and blow your whistle.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Tuck jump, star jump...

THEY APPLAUD Tuck jump, star jump, is that it?

-Yes.

-Or were you just applauding my amazing trampolining?

That was it.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I knew it.

-So you were holding a letter from the beginning, yeah?

-Yes.

Pull it out for me, and the envelope.

Oh, dear.

Can't believe I did that joke.

Show everyone it. Show the camera.

Perfect. If you want to open that up.

Take out what's inside.

And would you read that aloud for me?

"Thank you for forcing my precious darling Chrissy-wissy to take part

"in PE for a change.

"I am, however, disgusted that you made him wear..."

And then there's a drawing of what's he's got.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So this has been in your pocket from before you got me

to pick the clothes. Your choices.

That's exactly what you've got on, yeah.

You could've changed your mind or picked anything.

-I could've picked anything, yep.

-Thank you so much, Mr Smart.

-Congratulations.

-That hand shake again!

That drawing, I mean, it was in a zipped pocket.

It was impressive, really impressive.

I thought it was pretty dangerous.

I mean, not so much falling off the trampoline,

but if the boy loses any more calories, I think, er...

-JASZ LAUGHS

-So what will the other magicians

make of fashionista Chris' trampolining trick?

For Chris' blindfolded, PE-teacher, trampoline-bouncing,

costume-prediction trick

that I thought was a little bit confusing,

I'm going to give him a...

..seven.

I've given him six.

I'll give him a seven.

What he wore was horrific, so I'm going to give him...

..seven.

Come on, Damien, you're just jealous.

It's straight to the bottom of the class for Chris,

who's now the favourite to be sawed in half.

Well, at least it won't take long.

He will snap like a twig.

So, what sport could self-proclaimed king of the night Dee

possibly enjoy?

Netball? Bit of croquet?

No, he's brought us to a shooting range, obviously,

along with some spectators and a gun-toting granny.

I'm quite nervous, naturally.

There's guns in play, so there's always an element of danger.

I'm quite excited about it, though.

Everybody has something that's got tremendous emotional value.

For instance, if you were to lose or damage your ring,

-you'd be devastated, right?

-Yeah.

We're going to try something with your ring today.

I've invited my friend Ann along...

Ann, would you like to come forwards?

..who is a rifle shooting expert.

How long is it you've been shooting rifles now?

Over 20 years.

So you'd say you've got an accurate shot and you're very confident?

-I hope so.

-I hope so too.

OK. So before we move any further, we're going to load the gun.

So, I've got this here.

Presumably they ran out of black ribbon at the local haberdashery.

Red doesn't seem like Dee's colour.

OK. Thank you very much, Ann.

You can take your position just over there.

If I was to tell you that Ann was going to shoot a ribbon straight

-through your ring, you'd think it was impossible, right?

-Yeah.

I'd run a mile.

-That's exactly what you're going to see today.

-OK.

But with a twist.

Could I ask you to take your ring off and show it closely

to that camera

just so they can see exactly what it looks like?

And if you'd like to place it onto my palm.

Wonderful.

Let's hope she's got that insured.

If he swallows that, I've a feeling she's not the only one

whose ring is going to be in serious danger.

What?

It's gone?

Uh-huh, you ate my ring.

Now, I will take my position.

I'm going to count back from three...

..and then I'd like you to fire.

So, one granny, one Goth, a gun loaded with ribbon

and a stranger's swallowed jewellery.

All they need to add now is an opera-singing dog and this act

is a sure-fire winner for next year's Britain's Got Talent.

If you could aim the gun right in the centre of the circle.

Three.

Two.

One.

GUN FIRES Ah.

GUN FIRES

Girls, girls, do you want to come over?

Quick, quick, quick, right around here.

Look.

The ribbon has gone right through, and on the back...

THEY GASP AND LAUGH Is that your ring?

Do you want to take that?

Hold it, and I'm just going to walk forwards.

Uh, give me one second.

HE INHALES DEEPLY

-Oh, my God.

-Is that your ring? Take that ring off...

-Yeah, that's my ring.

-Put it back on your finger.

Thank you so much, girls.

Thank you. That was amazing.

-Thank you very much.

-Thank you.

-Cheers.

I don't understand how he's alive, honestly.

You can't just survive getting shot.

I'm...I'm still flummoxed.

I have no idea how that happened.

I thought it was brilliant.

It was kind of like what felt like a really traditional magic trick

brought up to date.

That's all very well and good, but what about the scores?

Dee's trick completely fooled me, so I'll give him a...

..eight.

All he had to do was stand there and get shot,

so I'm going to give him...

a seven.

I loved watching the granny shoot Dee today,

so I'm going to give him a...

seven.

Although he used a gun, I was somewhat underwhelmed

with Dee's trick.

I'm going to give it a six.

With 28, Dee is safe, which means

he won't have to face the deadly

buzz saw, which is a shame

as it looks right up his street.

So, what has Jasz got up her sleeve to save her from the killer trick?

By the looks of it, she hasn't even got sleeves.

-Hi, guys. What's your name?

-Gordon.

-Hi, Gordon.

-Steven.

-Hi, Steven.

I'm Jasz. So we're here today

at the swimming pool as this week's theme is sport

and I'd really like

to show you a trick where I merge

synchronised swimming with magic.

-Right.

-Let me show what I mean.

-OK.

Finally, someone has found a way

to make synchronised swimming interesting.

She should get full marks just for that.

Throwing caution to the wind, Jasz has taken those metal hoops

directly into the water with little concern over the potential for rust.

She is reckless.

MUSIC: Underwater Love by Smoke City

MUSIC CONTINUES

This is impressive, but I think Jasz may have misunderstood

the concept of synchronised swimming.

You're meant to do it with other people

and these two do not look like they're joining in at any point.

MUSIC CONTINUES

-MUSIC STOPS

-And she resurfaces.

McLovin and Ed Sheeran seem to love it,

but as Jasz emerges from the pool, what did they really think?

You're mesmerised, you're just watching it.

Like, you don't know...

-It's so confusing.

-It's amazing just the...

I don't know. Like, the metal rings going through each other...

-Absolutely, yeah.

-..and, like, bending the elements.

I wonder what the other magicians thought.

One of the things it reminded me a bit of

was like being at a shit SeaWorld.

I wanted impressive things jumping out of the water, and just saw this.

-You basically just called her Shamu.

-No, I'm not calling her Shamu!

If you hold a bit of fish above the water, she does jump out and get it.

Right, enough of the cheek, what about the scores?

I found Jasz' underwater linking rings a bit hard to see

and it was a bit light on script, so I will give it...

..a six.

Jasz, you get...

..a five.

I'm only going to give it a six.

While I thought that Jasz' swimming trick was very beautiful

under the water, it just wasn't edgy enough for me.

So for that reason,

I'm giving her a seven.

With 24,

Jasz is currently the rubber brick

on the bottom of the swimming pool.

I wonder if she can feel a stomachache starting to come on.

Last up, it's Damien, who's expecting a good score as he's

one of the unusual magicians who actually likes sport.

I'm going to be doing it on my favourite sport, which is football.

And it's not going to be very obvious to what's going to be happening.

I think it's pretty unique and it's safe to say

-it's never been done either.

-Big words.

I didn't want to do a trick with an actual football,

that'd be too obvious.

So instead, I bought a football sticker album from the shop today.

-Excellent.

-Mine ain't all filled up yet as we've just bought it, OK?

Pretty happy with that?

Yep.

Cool. Can you hold out your hand for me?

Just put your hand on top like that.

I'll come back to that in a second.

So, I've not stuck the stickers in yet, Ben.

I've got them right here.

Can you just push through them, make sure they are stickers?

-Yeah, yeah.

-So...

You've gone through these.

You've seen that they are completely legit.

Now, Ben, can you just say, "Stop," any time you want?

-I'm going to look away so I can't see.

-OK.

-Say, "Stop."

-Stop.

Cool. Take the sticker. Have a look at it. Here you go.

Ah, he's chosen Scotland's international footballer

Barry Nicholson.

-Yep.

-Happy with that?

Can you just push it somewhere in the middle,

somewhere I can't see?

-Cool. Done?

-Yep.

If you hold out both of your hands for me...

Perfect. OK.

Now we need to start sticking these in.

If we do this one at a time, we're going to be here all day.

So I'm going to take the book.

-So, it is empty, yeah?

-Empty.

Ben, what we're going to just try and do is just, watch,

if I do it like this

and just start filling the sticker book up.

-OK.

-Just like that.

-Yeah.

-See it?

Which means, in your hands, the backs have gone completely blank.

Check them out.

-HE LAUGHS

-We have a giggler.

Agreed.

They're all gone.

And that is a sticker book completely filled up.

Oh, wait, I've missed one.

That's Barry Nicholson.

Barry Nicholson.

Can you just check that again to make sure they're...

Oh, wait, is this the player you picked?

-Definitely was.

-Show it to the camera.

Barry Nicholson.

Ah, there he is. I couldn't forget that face.

I'm going to take the backs off you quickly.

-You can put the sticker in your pocket, that's yours to keep.

-OK.

Hold the book just like that.

Bring it up just like this. Bring it up in front of your face.

-And concentrate on Barry Nicholson.

-OK.

Say the name Barry Nicholson out loud.

Keep saying it until you hear me say the word stop. OK?

OK.

Barry Nicholson, Barry Nicholson, Barry Nicholson...

These are the worst magic words I've ever heard.

What happened to abracadabra?

..Barry Nicholson, Barry Nicholson, Barry...

Stop.

-HE LAUGHS

-Well, just look who it is.

He's had a shave cos he's on the telly,

but that is unmistakably Barry Nicholson.

Hang on a second, didn't that box have a magician in it?

Just like that.

-That's incredible.

-I can't believe it was Barry Nicholson.

It could've been anyone. I was... I didn't know what to say.

I was speechless. He was just standing right there. Unbelievable.

The guy's face when he dropped the sticker book was amazing.

That was proper, "Oh, my God, it's Barry..." What was his surname?

-ALL:

-Nicholson.

-"Nicholson!"

I bet he's now just going home shouting other things

hoping they appear in front of him.

Like, "Breasts, breasts, breasts. Oh, yes!"

So, how has Damien scored?

I'm not really that into football,

but I really enjoyed Damien's trick, so I'm going to give it a...

..eight.

I think the guys watching were more excited by the footballer

than they were by the trick and so he gets a seven.

I'm going to give him...

a six.

Damien made me care about football!

I'm going to score -

score, like the football - score him an eight.

Keep trying, Chris.

So Damien scores 29.

He hasn't won but he's escaped from the saw, which means...

And the scores are in.

-Ooh!

-Oh, God, here we go.

And this week's sporting champion is...

Let's use the term sporting champion very loosely.

..is Ben!

-Oh!

-He's done it! THEY LAUGH

Now, let's get to the other exciting moment

of who will face the killer trick.

Bottom of the table,

with 24 points, is...

..Jasz.

Ooh.

I got in a swimsuit for you and everything!

Jasz, you will be sliced in half by a buzz saw.

SHE SIGHS Ben, as you're the winner,

you get to cut Jasz in two.

-King of the buzz saw.

-That's so typical, cut the girl in half.

It's all right, I'll rock it, I'm hard core.

Jasz, I should tell you, I failed my wood tech at school.

THEY LAUGH

That is sinister love. "I'm going to fuck you up."

It's time for Jasz to face this week's killer trick -

she's got a one-way ticket to the buzz saw.

I'm really nervous about this killer trick.

I mean, it has gone wrong a few times and I really don't want to die.

But I feel like I'm in good hands with Ben.

So, here it is.

-HE PINGS METAL

-The Spine Cruncher 6000.

It's, uh... Ow.

It's quite sharp, I think it got me there.

Um, you might want to take that off in case it gets a bit dirty.

I'm most concerned about some kind of operator error.

I mean, that saw is going right through Jasz' body,

but I'm actually a bit concerned about harming myself in the process.

Charming.

Great.

And lay down on this bed.

You'll get a comfortable night's sleep.

You won't be needing those either.

Ever again. If you happen to own a giant buzz saw,

please, do not try this at home.

I'm going to cover you with this sheet here.

It should give you some kind of protection.

Ah, yes, the old impenetrable cotton sheet. Good idea, Ben.

So, Jasz, just in case anything were to go wrong, I've got some

medical professionals here

who are going to come and lend their expertise.

Guys, could you come and join me?

Nice to meet you all.

Welcome to this slightly creepy room here.

You all look a bit terrified.

-And what's your name?

-Hi, my name is Mo.

Nice to meet you, Mo. I'm Ben.

Can you tell me, if a saw were to go through the abdomen,

what kind of damage would that cause?

It depends on how deep it goes through the abdomen.

How about all the way through?

But obviously, if you damage any of the major blood vessels,

like the arteries, or the liver, or the spleen,

obviously you'd suffer from a major bleed

and that would be very dangerous.

-We're going pretty deep.

-Yeah.

Yeah, things aren't going to look good for her.

Thank you for all of your medical help.

Uh, it's important that you take a safe distance,

if you could just stand back there.

As any good heavy machinery operator will tell you,

the most important thing is to look cool.

So on the shades go.

Sweet dreams, Jasz.

MACHINE BUZZES

Now remember, Jasz, if there was ever a time

to try and secure yourself an Oscar, this is it.

SHE SCREAMS

Does anyone have any plasters?

BUZZING STOPS, ALL QUIET

It's fair to say, there's an interesting mood in the room.

I think this may be exactly the

reason they're moving BBC Three online.

You shouldn't have done linking rings.

OK, Jasz, you can get up now.

Jasz.

Jasz?

# If I die young

# Bury me in satin

# Lay me down on a bed of roses

# Sink me in the river at dawn

# Send me away With the words of a love song

# The sharp knife of a short life

# Oh, well I've had just enough time. #