Gyrru Trwy Storom O'r Galon


Gyrru Trwy Storom

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-Do you want to sleep now, gang?

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-I'm Alaw Griffiths, and I'm a mother

-of two young children.

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-I run a wedding planning business...

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-..and I'm married to Hywel,

-who's a lecturer and a poet.

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-We appear to be a perfect family,

-a normal family.

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-But I've been battling

-postnatal depression.

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-I've had some very dark periods

-since the children were born.

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-There's also a stigma

-about the condition.

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-I'm afraid.

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-Afraid that people

-will think I'm attention-seeking...

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-..or that I'm a complete freak.

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-I don't know.

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-So many confusing things

-go through my mind.

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-I don't want...

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-..to be sad.

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-I want to be happy.

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-Here you are, Morgan.

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-Food.

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-Hywel and I had just got married.

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-Where has Lleucu gone? There she is!

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-We wanted children.

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-I was very lucky

-and got pregnant with Lleucu Haf.

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-You haven't had pudding?

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-Pudding with breakfast?

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-We were tremendously happy.

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-The birth was fine, as births go.

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-Lleucu Haf was born in water.

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-I remember opening my eyes...

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-..and seeing two dark eyes

-looking up at me through the water.

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-I was the first one to hold Lleucu.

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-That was wonderful.

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-Looking back...

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-..I know something wasn't right

-even then.

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-Like a switch within me.

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-That's the only way

-I can describe it, really.

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-It never crossed my mind

-that I'd be depressed in any way...

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-..after giving birth to a baby.

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-Lleucu was perfect.

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-I was alright.

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-So, why did I have these feelings?

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-It still doesn't make

-much sense to me...

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-..and it's very difficult

-to get my head around it all.

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-You can go now, Lleucs,

-and Mam will come after you.

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-Once we reached the ward

-with other mothers and babies...

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-..there were a great many notes.

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-"Alaw very anxious

-of being alone with baby."

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-Looking back, the depression

-had kicked in fairly quickly.

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-It took a long time...

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-..for the love and the bond

-with Lleucs to fully develop.

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-In 2016, Morgan came into the world.

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-I was so grateful and happy...

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-..to welcome the newest member

-of our little family.

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-When I was pregnant with Morgan...

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-..it was a different experience...

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-..because I was trying to deal

-with the anxieties about the birth.

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-As with Lleucu's birth,

-some things didn't go to plan.

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-I had to undergo emergency surgery.

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-Once we passed through that

-and I was starting to recover...

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-..I think that I was

-the happiest I've ever been.

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-It's hard now, looking back...

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-..because I want that back.

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-At that time, a lot of people asked

-how I was, and how the baby was.

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-I always answered,

-"I'm great, thanks very much."

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-But I wasn't naive enough

-to think...

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-..that I couldn't slip back

-into the darkness.

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-By now...

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-..most people

-have stopped asking how I am.

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-And, unfortunately, I'm not great.

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-OK.

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-Unfortunately,

-a few weeks after Morgan's birth...

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-..the depression returned,

-which was a huge disappointment.

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-I decided to try CBT,

-cognitive behavioural therapy...

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-..as a way of dealing

-with the illness.

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-For the first sessions,

-no cameras are allowed.

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-I've just...

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-I've just come out

-of the first appointment.

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-They asked lots of questions.

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-"Give me five reasons

-why you think you're a good mum."

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-I couldn't answer her.

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-Um...

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-Um...

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-Then I remembered...

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-..that I cooked...

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-..a family meal last night.

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-It might sound a bit silly...

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-..something so small.

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-Everyone cooks for their family.

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-But for me,

-it was quite a big thing.

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-So, yes, I could give one reason.

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-According to MIND, one in five women

-suffers from mental illness...

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-..either during or after pregnancy.

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-Not many people

-speak about the condition.

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-Personally, being able to discuss it

-with other people was important.

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-That's why I decided

-to edit and contribute...

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-..to the book Gyrru Drwy Storom.

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-It's a collection of the experiences

-of individuals...

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-..who have suffered mental illness.

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-When I was writing this...

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-..I was on the verge of pulling out.

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-..because I just felt

-that people would think...

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-..that I was being dramatic.

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-I certainly felt

-that I was being dramatic.

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-I do have that tendency!

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-A bit of a drama queen!

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-When I first went...

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-..and I went private,

-at first, to a therapist.

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-Beca would have been six months old

-or thereabouts.

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-By then, my family was telling me

-that I needed to see someone.

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-What I found difficult...

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-..was that it didn't happen

-to me immediately.

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-People are familiar

-with postnatal depression.

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-But it didn't hit me

-for about six months to a year.

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-I was at my worst

-when the baby was a year old.

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-I thought that couldn't be

-postnatal depression.

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-It was almost a year later.

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-To some extent, in my case...

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-..the anxiety element

-was worse than the depression.

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-I worried about everything.

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-Some nights,

-I wouldn't sleep at all.

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-I found it hard to differentiate

-between the condition's symptoms...

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-..and what would be normal anyway.

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-There's a range of symptoms.

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-People need to be aware...

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-..that it affects individuals

-in completely different ways.

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-Postnatal depression affects

-different women in different ways.

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-I spoke about the condition with

-psychiatrist Dr Elin Ellis Jones.

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-There are actually

-three different conditions.

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-We're talking about one,

-which is the depression.

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-There's another condition...

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-..that affects most women,

-probably as many as 85%...

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-..in the first week.

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-They feel that their emotions

-are all over the place.

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-What's known as the blues.

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-Women will tell you

-that it feels very hormonal.

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-That it's similar

-to how they feel before a period.

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-The third condition

-is postpartum psychosis...

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-..which is very serious.

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-Mothers lose their grip on reality.

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-Thankfully, it's very rare.

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-The most common condition,

-apart from the blues...

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-..is postnatal depression.

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-There are anxiety symptoms

-and obsessive symptoms.

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-Fears that you may harm the baby

-in some way...

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-..even though you know deep down...

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-..that what you're seeing

-or hearing isn't real.

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-One in eight women suffer from it.

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-There are expectations...

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-My grandmother said she was glad

-not to be raising children now...

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-..because there's so much criticism.

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-Online, there are thousands

-of voices telling you what to do.

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-You lose your own voice.

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-That's what a new mother is doing.

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-She's trying to find

-her own voice as a mother.

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-I'd post one photo on Facebook of

-children looking happy on a beach.

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-There are a hundred other photos...

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-..where they've argued

-or are in tears...

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-..or have fallen or whatever.

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-We don't help each other.

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-There are times in every family...

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-..when you go, what are we doing?!

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-When two out of three are crying,

-and there's no supper.

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-Weetabix for supper now and then

-isn't going to do them any harm.

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-A big kiss, and bed

-without brushing their teeth.

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-There, I've said it.

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-I feel as if I'm fighting every day.

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-I have to fight my way

-to the next task.

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-Picking up Lleucu from school.

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-Next task - go home.

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-Next task - make tea.

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-That's a common occurrence.

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-But this thing that has me

-in its clutches at the moment...

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-..goes a step further.

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-It makes me feel like a bad mother.

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-This fatigue...

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-I feel as if I'm being suffocated.

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-.

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-*

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-I'm Alaw Griffiths and I've suffered

-from postnatal depression...

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-..after having my children,

-Lleucu and Morgan.

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-More than once, I've asked why me?

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-I've also often felt that people

-don't understand the condition.

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-Brighten up!

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-Cheer up!

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-It'll be better tomorrow!

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-That doesn't help.

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-I can be fine one minute...

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-..then something is said,

-and that's it.

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-I just can't deal

-with the situation.

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-When you're in that place,

-right in the thick of it...

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-..you just don't see a way out.

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-One of the things that scares me...

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-..is my responsibility as a mother

-to care for these two little ones.

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-When I have a bad day,

-I don't want that responsibility.

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-When I wake up in the morning...

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-..what I hear first...

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-..like most parents, I suppose...

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-..is the children.

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-Usually, if it's Morgan...

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-..it's the sound of crying.

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-I don't want to hear it.

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-I don't want

-to spend the day with them.

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-One of those situations

-where I find it very difficult...

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-..to control my own emotions

-is when Morgan is crying.

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-I remember one occasion...

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-..laying on the bed,

-with him next to me.

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-He just cried and cried.

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-I'd tried everything.

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-I had to leave him there...

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-..and get out of the room because...

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-This is going to sound awful.

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-I wanted to throw him

-out of the window.

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-I was driving earlier...

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-..and thinking,

-I just want to carry on driving.

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-I just want to drive, drive, drive.

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-I don't really want to go back.

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-Then I thought,

-what kind of mother thinks that?

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-What kind of mother

-just wants to go?

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-Having intrusive thoughts

-is very common...

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-..when you're suffering

-from depression.

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-But I have to learn

-how to live with them.

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-I'm going for another CBT session.

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-This stage of the process

-focuses on these intrusive thoughts.

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-This happens to everyone.

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-When you cry

-or something's annoying...

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-..these things pop into your head,

-and you have no control over them.

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-You don't choose

-to have these thoughts.

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-For instance,

-if he's crying in the car...

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-..this will sound ridiculous...

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-.. if he stops crying,

-I think he's died.

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-Then I'll stop the car

-and check that he's breathing...

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-..then carry on, and feel like...

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-..a right lemon...

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-..basically.

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-But then...

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-..that carries forward,

-and it's really upsetting.

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-Yes, OK.

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-So, you're saying

-that other people just let it go.

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-I've reached the point where I'm

-more able to discuss situations.

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-I have steps in place

-to help me deal with them.

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-Let's try this then.

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-I tell you this.

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-When my daughter was small...

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-..I had a thought about throwing her

-in the river and leaving her.

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-Would you think I'm a bad person

-for even deciding to think that?

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-No, because it always happens to me.

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-No, because it always happens to me.

-

-If it's OK for them, it is for you.

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-94% of people

-have intrusive thoughts...

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-..but most know

-how to get rid of them.

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-Allowing the thoughts to take over

-is a common symptom...

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-..among women who suffer

-from postnatal depression.

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-It's interesting

-that these intrusive thoughts...

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-..can be the same sort of thing.

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-As a mother,

-you're always protecting your child.

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-Don't go near the fire.

-Watch that hot water.

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-Mind this, mind that.

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-We turn those fears...

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-In a way,

-they're a sign of a good mother.

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-A good mother protects her child.

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-When the mind is unwell...

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-..she turns those fears

-into things she could do herself.

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-It is a phenomenon,

-but it's also a symptom.

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-When someone is

-in that dark place...

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-..I can't see a way out.

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-I just go into a state

-of total panic.

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-I think the only one

-who really sees that is Hywel.

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-I don't think anyone else

-sees that Alaw.

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-On a practical level, pressure

-often falls on the other person.

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-Everything still needs to be done...

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-..to make sure

-that life goes on, as it were.

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-There are certain periods

-when the strain is immense.

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-They may be everyday things.

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-That's when things get hard...

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-..because the pressure

-falls on one person.

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-You don't know how much to do.

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-Or maybe it would be more helpful...

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-..to encourage people

-to do more themselves.

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-I try to do more of that now.

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-Ultimately,

-I know that it doesn't help me.

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-But Hywel puts up with a lot.

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-A great deal.

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-What I need to do...

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-..is just accept that it's happening

-and be supportive...

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-..then maybe try to talk about it.

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-At first, I tried

-to think it through logically.

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-I tried to find the reason for it.

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-But it's actually something

-very complex to understand.

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-It's very hard

-to see someone you love...

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-..going through that pain,

-as it were...

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-..and failing to cope

-with certain situations.

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-I think that the threat of it

-can make it worse.

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-Once you understand it

-on your terms...

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-..it takes the power away from it.

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-That's the purpose

-of discussing it openly.

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-Once you take its power away...

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-..it isn't a threat any more.

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-You know what it is.

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-You can cope, you can get help.

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-What really helped me...

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-..was being in the company

-of other people.

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-I was afraid to be alone.

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-The healing process

-is different for everyone.

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-It can take a long time.

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-I think

-that the most important thing...

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-..is to learn

-to be kind to yourself.

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-To some extent, I feel

-that I'm still getting better.

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-I think I can honestly say that

-I wouldn't change the experience.

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-Despite how dark

-and hideous it was...

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-..it's a part of your life,

-but it's not your whole life.

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-It's a part,

-but there's so much more.

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-So much fun.

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-So much joy as a family as well.

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-So many other things.

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-It's something

-that I'm happy to share...

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-..but also happy

-to leave behind, I think.

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-It's difficult...

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-..to describe how you feel...

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-..because I can't show it.

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-I go to see people.

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-They teach me

-to think in a different way...

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-..because I need that help.

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-I'm not ashamed of saying that,

-but a lot of people are.

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-People are ashamed...

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-..because of society.

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-We need to be educated

-and we need to educate others.

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-"We meet where poems cannot reach us

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-"Through the pain that has no rhyme.

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-"My muse cannot find a name

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-"For this crag

-that stands between us.

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-"Two who are separate, free beings

0:22:210:22:24

-"Islands embracing each other

0:22:250:22:27

-"In the great motionless tide

0:22:280:22:30

-"Before the blockade

-of the day's waves.

0:22:300:22:33

-"That's what we are,

-but we don't care about this.

0:22:330:22:37

-"We cast off the crag's weight

0:22:390:22:41

-"We grow stronger, closer

-and drown out the noise

0:22:410:22:45

-"Then, tomorrow,

-we'll challenge it."

0:22:450:22:48

-I stick two fingers up

-to this illness.

0:22:590:23:02

-I'm going to kick it out.

0:23:030:23:05

-I'm determined to kick

-the blooming thing out of my life.

0:23:050:23:11

-I've done it once.

0:23:110:23:12

-I am going to do it again.

0:23:130:23:15

-So, that's it.

0:23:180:23:19

-S4C Subtitles by Testun Cyf.

0:23:420:23:44

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0:23:440:23:44

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