Gyrru Trwy Storom O'r Galon


Download Subtitles

SRT

ASS


Gyrru Trwy Storom

Portread dewr gan fam am ei brwydr yn erbyn iselder ar ol geni babi. A brave and honest account of a mother's struggle with post-natal depression after the birth of her children.


Similar Content

Browse content similar to Gyrru Trwy Storom. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!

Transcript


LineFromTo

-Subtitles

0:00:000:00:00

-Subtitles

-

-Subtitles

0:00:000:00:02

-Do you want to sleep now, gang?

0:00:020:00:04

-I'm Alaw Griffiths, and I'm a mother

-of two young children.

0:00:080:00:12

-I run a wedding planning business...

0:00:130:00:16

-..and I'm married to Hywel,

-who's a lecturer and a poet.

0:00:160:00:20

-We appear to be a perfect family,

-a normal family.

0:00:230:00:28

-But I've been battling

-postnatal depression.

0:00:280:00:33

-I've had some very dark periods

-since the children were born.

0:00:370:00:41

-There's also a stigma

-about the condition.

0:00:470:00:50

-I'm afraid.

0:00:530:00:55

-Afraid that people

-will think I'm attention-seeking...

0:00:550:01:00

-..or that I'm a complete freak.

0:01:000:01:03

-I don't know.

0:01:050:01:06

-So many confusing things

-go through my mind.

0:01:070:01:10

-I don't want...

0:01:180:01:20

-..to be sad.

0:01:220:01:23

-I want to be happy.

0:01:230:01:25

-Here you are, Morgan.

0:01:390:01:41

-Food.

0:01:420:01:43

-Hywel and I had just got married.

0:01:440:01:47

-Where has Lleucu gone? There she is!

0:01:480:01:50

-We wanted children.

0:01:520:01:54

-I was very lucky

-and got pregnant with Lleucu Haf.

0:01:550:01:59

-You haven't had pudding?

0:01:590:02:01

-Pudding with breakfast?

0:02:010:02:03

-We were tremendously happy.

0:02:050:02:08

-The birth was fine, as births go.

0:02:090:02:15

-Lleucu Haf was born in water.

0:02:150:02:19

-I remember opening my eyes...

0:02:190:02:21

-..and seeing two dark eyes

-looking up at me through the water.

0:02:210:02:26

-I was the first one to hold Lleucu.

0:02:290:02:33

-That was wonderful.

0:02:330:02:35

-Looking back...

0:02:360:02:38

-..I know something wasn't right

-even then.

0:02:380:02:43

-Like a switch within me.

0:02:440:02:46

-That's the only way

-I can describe it, really.

0:02:470:02:50

-It never crossed my mind

-that I'd be depressed in any way...

0:02:510:02:57

-..after giving birth to a baby.

0:02:570:03:00

-Lleucu was perfect.

0:03:000:03:02

-I was alright.

0:03:020:03:03

-So, why did I have these feelings?

0:03:030:03:06

-It still doesn't make

-much sense to me...

0:03:070:03:10

-..and it's very difficult

-to get my head around it all.

0:03:100:03:15

-You can go now, Lleucs,

-and Mam will come after you.

0:03:160:03:20

-Once we reached the ward

-with other mothers and babies...

0:03:360:03:41

-..there were a great many notes.

0:03:410:03:45

-"Alaw very anxious

-of being alone with baby."

0:03:470:03:51

-Looking back, the depression

-had kicked in fairly quickly.

0:03:520:03:57

-It took a long time...

0:03:580:04:01

-..for the love and the bond

-with Lleucs to fully develop.

0:04:020:04:07

-In 2016, Morgan came into the world.

0:04:110:04:14

-I was so grateful and happy...

0:04:150:04:17

-..to welcome the newest member

-of our little family.

0:04:170:04:20

-When I was pregnant with Morgan...

0:04:210:04:24

-..it was a different experience...

0:04:240:04:27

-..because I was trying to deal

-with the anxieties about the birth.

0:04:270:04:33

-As with Lleucu's birth,

-some things didn't go to plan.

0:04:350:04:39

-I had to undergo emergency surgery.

0:04:390:04:42

-Once we passed through that

-and I was starting to recover...

0:04:430:04:48

-..I think that I was

-the happiest I've ever been.

0:04:490:04:53

-It's hard now, looking back...

0:04:530:04:56

-..because I want that back.

0:04:560:04:59

-At that time, a lot of people asked

-how I was, and how the baby was.

0:05:010:05:06

-I always answered,

-"I'm great, thanks very much."

0:05:070:05:10

-But I wasn't naive enough

-to think...

0:05:100:05:13

-..that I couldn't slip back

-into the darkness.

0:05:140:05:17

-By now...

0:05:190:05:21

-..most people

-have stopped asking how I am.

0:05:220:05:25

-And, unfortunately, I'm not great.

0:05:270:05:30

-OK.

0:05:320:05:33

-Unfortunately,

-a few weeks after Morgan's birth...

0:05:350:05:39

-..the depression returned,

-which was a huge disappointment.

0:05:390:05:43

-I decided to try CBT,

-cognitive behavioural therapy...

0:05:440:05:49

-..as a way of dealing

-with the illness.

0:05:500:05:52

-For the first sessions,

-no cameras are allowed.

0:05:530:05:57

-I've just...

0:06:040:06:05

-I've just come out

-of the first appointment.

0:06:130:06:17

-They asked lots of questions.

0:06:170:06:20

-"Give me five reasons

-why you think you're a good mum."

0:06:200:06:26

-I couldn't answer her.

0:06:290:06:31

-Um...

0:06:310:06:32

-Um...

0:06:340:06:35

-Then I remembered...

0:06:400:06:42

-..that I cooked...

0:06:440:06:46

-..a family meal last night.

0:06:470:06:50

-It might sound a bit silly...

0:06:530:06:55

-..something so small.

0:06:560:06:58

-Everyone cooks for their family.

0:06:580:07:00

-But for me,

-it was quite a big thing.

0:07:000:07:03

-So, yes, I could give one reason.

0:07:040:07:06

-According to MIND, one in five women

-suffers from mental illness...

0:07:090:07:14

-..either during or after pregnancy.

0:07:140:07:17

-Not many people

-speak about the condition.

0:07:190:07:22

-Personally, being able to discuss it

-with other people was important.

0:07:220:07:26

-That's why I decided

-to edit and contribute...

0:07:270:07:30

-..to the book Gyrru Drwy Storom.

0:07:300:07:32

-It's a collection of the experiences

-of individuals...

0:07:320:07:36

-..who have suffered mental illness.

0:07:360:07:39

-When I was writing this...

0:07:420:07:45

-..I was on the verge of pulling out.

0:07:460:07:48

-..because I just felt

-that people would think...

0:07:490:07:53

-..that I was being dramatic.

0:07:530:07:56

-I certainly felt

-that I was being dramatic.

0:07:570:08:00

-I do have that tendency!

0:08:000:08:03

-A bit of a drama queen!

0:08:040:08:05

-When I first went...

0:08:070:08:09

-..and I went private,

-at first, to a therapist.

0:08:090:08:13

-Beca would have been six months old

-or thereabouts.

0:08:140:08:17

-By then, my family was telling me

-that I needed to see someone.

0:08:170:08:21

-What I found difficult...

0:08:230:08:25

-..was that it didn't happen

-to me immediately.

0:08:250:08:28

-People are familiar

-with postnatal depression.

0:08:290:08:33

-But it didn't hit me

-for about six months to a year.

0:08:330:08:37

-I was at my worst

-when the baby was a year old.

0:08:370:08:40

-I thought that couldn't be

-postnatal depression.

0:08:400:08:44

-It was almost a year later.

0:08:440:08:47

-To some extent, in my case...

0:08:480:08:50

-..the anxiety element

-was worse than the depression.

0:08:500:08:54

-I worried about everything.

0:08:540:08:56

-Some nights,

-I wouldn't sleep at all.

0:08:560:08:59

-I found it hard to differentiate

-between the condition's symptoms...

0:08:590:09:05

-..and what would be normal anyway.

0:09:050:09:09

-There's a range of symptoms.

0:09:100:09:12

-People need to be aware...

0:09:130:09:14

-..that it affects individuals

-in completely different ways.

0:09:150:09:19

-Postnatal depression affects

-different women in different ways.

0:09:200:09:25

-I spoke about the condition with

-psychiatrist Dr Elin Ellis Jones.

0:09:260:09:31

-There are actually

-three different conditions.

0:09:330:09:36

-We're talking about one,

-which is the depression.

0:09:370:09:41

-There's another condition...

0:09:410:09:43

-..that affects most women,

-probably as many as 85%...

0:09:430:09:47

-..in the first week.

0:09:470:09:49

-They feel that their emotions

-are all over the place.

0:09:490:09:53

-What's known as the blues.

0:09:530:09:55

-Women will tell you

-that it feels very hormonal.

0:09:550:09:59

-That it's similar

-to how they feel before a period.

0:09:590:10:03

-The third condition

-is postpartum psychosis...

0:10:030:10:07

-..which is very serious.

0:10:070:10:09

-Mothers lose their grip on reality.

0:10:090:10:13

-Thankfully, it's very rare.

0:10:140:10:17

-The most common condition,

-apart from the blues...

0:10:170:10:22

-..is postnatal depression.

0:10:220:10:24

-There are anxiety symptoms

-and obsessive symptoms.

0:10:250:10:29

-Fears that you may harm the baby

-in some way...

0:10:300:10:33

-..even though you know deep down...

0:10:330:10:36

-..that what you're seeing

-or hearing isn't real.

0:10:360:10:40

-One in eight women suffer from it.

0:10:400:10:43

-There are expectations...

0:10:560:10:58

-My grandmother said she was glad

-not to be raising children now...

0:10:590:11:04

-..because there's so much criticism.

0:11:040:11:07

-Online, there are thousands

-of voices telling you what to do.

0:11:070:11:11

-You lose your own voice.

0:11:120:11:13

-That's what a new mother is doing.

0:11:130:11:16

-She's trying to find

-her own voice as a mother.

0:11:160:11:20

-I'd post one photo on Facebook of

-children looking happy on a beach.

0:11:200:11:25

-There are a hundred other photos...

0:11:250:11:28

-..where they've argued

-or are in tears...

0:11:280:11:31

-..or have fallen or whatever.

0:11:310:11:33

-We don't help each other.

0:11:330:11:35

-There are times in every family...

0:11:350:11:37

-..when you go, what are we doing?!

0:11:380:11:40

-When two out of three are crying,

-and there's no supper.

0:11:410:11:45

-Weetabix for supper now and then

-isn't going to do them any harm.

0:11:460:11:51

-A big kiss, and bed

-without brushing their teeth.

0:11:520:11:55

-There, I've said it.

0:11:550:11:57

-I feel as if I'm fighting every day.

0:12:020:12:07

-I have to fight my way

-to the next task.

0:12:080:12:10

-Picking up Lleucu from school.

0:12:120:12:14

-Next task - go home.

0:12:140:12:15

-Next task - make tea.

0:12:160:12:17

-That's a common occurrence.

0:12:170:12:20

-But this thing that has me

-in its clutches at the moment...

0:12:200:12:25

-..goes a step further.

0:12:260:12:28

-It makes me feel like a bad mother.

0:12:310:12:34

-This fatigue...

0:12:350:12:37

-I feel as if I'm being suffocated.

0:12:420:12:44

-.

0:12:500:12:50

-*

0:12:530:12:53

-I'm Alaw Griffiths and I've suffered

-from postnatal depression...

0:12:530:12:57

-..after having my children,

-Lleucu and Morgan.

0:12:580:13:01

-More than once, I've asked why me?

0:13:010:13:03

-I've also often felt that people

-don't understand the condition.

0:13:030:13:08

-Brighten up!

0:13:090:13:10

-Cheer up!

0:13:110:13:12

-It'll be better tomorrow!

0:13:120:13:14

-That doesn't help.

0:13:140:13:16

-I can be fine one minute...

0:13:160:13:18

-..then something is said,

-and that's it.

0:13:180:13:22

-I just can't deal

-with the situation.

0:13:220:13:25

-When you're in that place,

-right in the thick of it...

0:13:310:13:35

-..you just don't see a way out.

0:13:370:13:38

-One of the things that scares me...

0:13:480:13:51

-..is my responsibility as a mother

-to care for these two little ones.

0:13:510:13:56

-When I have a bad day,

-I don't want that responsibility.

0:13:570:14:01

-When I wake up in the morning...

0:14:040:14:06

-..what I hear first...

0:14:070:14:09

-..like most parents, I suppose...

0:14:090:14:11

-..is the children.

0:14:120:14:13

-Usually, if it's Morgan...

0:14:140:14:16

-..it's the sound of crying.

0:14:160:14:18

-I don't want to hear it.

0:14:190:14:21

-I don't want

-to spend the day with them.

0:14:230:14:27

-One of those situations

-where I find it very difficult...

0:14:330:14:38

-..to control my own emotions

-is when Morgan is crying.

0:14:380:14:41

-I remember one occasion...

0:14:420:14:44

-..laying on the bed,

-with him next to me.

0:14:440:14:47

-He just cried and cried.

0:14:470:14:49

-I'd tried everything.

0:14:490:14:51

-I had to leave him there...

0:14:510:14:53

-..and get out of the room because...

0:14:530:14:56

-This is going to sound awful.

0:14:560:14:58

-I wanted to throw him

-out of the window.

0:14:580:15:01

-I was driving earlier...

0:15:030:15:04

-..and thinking,

-I just want to carry on driving.

0:15:040:15:08

-I just want to drive, drive, drive.

0:15:080:15:11

-I don't really want to go back.

0:15:110:15:13

-Then I thought,

-what kind of mother thinks that?

0:15:150:15:19

-What kind of mother

-just wants to go?

0:15:200:15:23

-Having intrusive thoughts

-is very common...

0:15:330:15:37

-..when you're suffering

-from depression.

0:15:370:15:40

-But I have to learn

-how to live with them.

0:15:410:15:43

-I'm going for another CBT session.

0:15:440:15:47

-This stage of the process

-focuses on these intrusive thoughts.

0:15:470:15:52

-This happens to everyone.

0:15:520:15:54

-When you cry

-or something's annoying...

0:15:540:15:57

-..these things pop into your head,

-and you have no control over them.

0:15:570:16:02

-You don't choose

-to have these thoughts.

0:16:020:16:05

-For instance,

-if he's crying in the car...

0:16:050:16:10

-..this will sound ridiculous...

0:16:110:16:14

-.. if he stops crying,

-I think he's died.

0:16:140:16:17

-Then I'll stop the car

-and check that he's breathing...

0:16:190:16:24

-..then carry on, and feel like...

0:16:240:16:26

-..a right lemon...

0:16:280:16:29

-..basically.

0:16:290:16:30

-But then...

0:16:310:16:32

-..that carries forward,

-and it's really upsetting.

0:16:340:16:37

-Yes, OK.

0:16:380:16:39

-So, you're saying

-that other people just let it go.

0:16:390:16:44

-I've reached the point where I'm

-more able to discuss situations.

0:16:440:16:48

-I have steps in place

-to help me deal with them.

0:16:490:16:52

-Let's try this then.

0:16:520:16:55

-I tell you this.

0:16:550:16:56

-When my daughter was small...

0:16:560:16:58

-..I had a thought about throwing her

-in the river and leaving her.

0:16:590:17:03

-Would you think I'm a bad person

-for even deciding to think that?

0:17:030:17:07

-No, because it always happens to me.

0:17:080:17:10

-No, because it always happens to me.

-

-If it's OK for them, it is for you.

0:17:100:17:12

-94% of people

-have intrusive thoughts...

0:17:140:17:18

-..but most know

-how to get rid of them.

0:17:180:17:21

-Allowing the thoughts to take over

-is a common symptom...

0:17:220:17:25

-..among women who suffer

-from postnatal depression.

0:17:260:17:29

-It's interesting

-that these intrusive thoughts...

0:17:320:17:36

-..can be the same sort of thing.

0:17:360:17:38

-As a mother,

-you're always protecting your child.

0:17:390:17:42

-Don't go near the fire.

-Watch that hot water.

0:17:420:17:45

-Mind this, mind that.

0:17:450:17:47

-We turn those fears...

0:17:480:17:49

-In a way,

-they're a sign of a good mother.

0:17:500:17:53

-A good mother protects her child.

0:17:530:17:56

-When the mind is unwell...

0:17:560:17:59

-..she turns those fears

-into things she could do herself.

0:17:590:18:03

-It is a phenomenon,

-but it's also a symptom.

0:18:030:18:08

-When someone is

-in that dark place...

0:18:110:18:15

-..I can't see a way out.

0:18:150:18:17

-I just go into a state

-of total panic.

0:18:180:18:22

-I think the only one

-who really sees that is Hywel.

0:18:230:18:26

-I don't think anyone else

-sees that Alaw.

0:18:280:18:32

-On a practical level, pressure

-often falls on the other person.

0:18:360:18:41

-Everything still needs to be done...

0:18:420:18:45

-..to make sure

-that life goes on, as it were.

0:18:450:18:48

-There are certain periods

-when the strain is immense.

0:18:480:18:52

-They may be everyday things.

0:18:530:18:55

-That's when things get hard...

0:18:550:18:57

-..because the pressure

-falls on one person.

0:18:570:19:00

-You don't know how much to do.

0:19:000:19:02

-Or maybe it would be more helpful...

0:19:020:19:06

-..to encourage people

-to do more themselves.

0:19:060:19:09

-I try to do more of that now.

0:19:100:19:13

-Ultimately,

-I know that it doesn't help me.

0:19:130:19:16

-But Hywel puts up with a lot.

0:19:180:19:21

-A great deal.

0:19:210:19:22

-What I need to do...

0:19:230:19:24

-..is just accept that it's happening

-and be supportive...

0:19:250:19:29

-..then maybe try to talk about it.

0:19:300:19:34

-At first, I tried

-to think it through logically.

0:19:340:19:38

-I tried to find the reason for it.

0:19:380:19:40

-But it's actually something

-very complex to understand.

0:19:410:19:45

-It's very hard

-to see someone you love...

0:19:470:19:51

-..going through that pain,

-as it were...

0:19:520:19:55

-..and failing to cope

-with certain situations.

0:19:550:19:58

-I think that the threat of it

-can make it worse.

0:20:010:20:05

-Once you understand it

-on your terms...

0:20:060:20:08

-..it takes the power away from it.

0:20:090:20:11

-That's the purpose

-of discussing it openly.

0:20:120:20:14

-Once you take its power away...

0:20:150:20:17

-..it isn't a threat any more.

0:20:170:20:19

-You know what it is.

0:20:200:20:21

-You can cope, you can get help.

0:20:220:20:24

-What really helped me...

0:20:250:20:26

-..was being in the company

-of other people.

0:20:270:20:30

-I was afraid to be alone.

0:20:300:20:32

-The healing process

-is different for everyone.

0:20:320:20:35

-It can take a long time.

0:20:360:20:37

-I think

-that the most important thing...

0:20:370:20:40

-..is to learn

-to be kind to yourself.

0:20:400:20:44

-To some extent, I feel

-that I'm still getting better.

0:20:450:20:49

-I think I can honestly say that

-I wouldn't change the experience.

0:20:500:20:54

-Despite how dark

-and hideous it was...

0:20:550:20:58

-..it's a part of your life,

-but it's not your whole life.

0:20:590:21:03

-It's a part,

-but there's so much more.

0:21:030:21:06

-So much fun.

0:21:060:21:07

-So much joy as a family as well.

0:21:070:21:10

-So many other things.

0:21:100:21:12

-It's something

-that I'm happy to share...

0:21:140:21:16

-..but also happy

-to leave behind, I think.

0:21:170:21:20

-It's difficult...

0:21:250:21:26

-..to describe how you feel...

0:21:280:21:30

-..because I can't show it.

0:21:310:21:33

-I go to see people.

0:21:350:21:36

-They teach me

-to think in a different way...

0:21:370:21:40

-..because I need that help.

0:21:410:21:43

-I'm not ashamed of saying that,

-but a lot of people are.

0:21:440:21:49

-People are ashamed...

0:21:510:21:52

-..because of society.

0:21:540:21:57

-We need to be educated

-and we need to educate others.

0:21:590:22:04

-"We meet where poems cannot reach us

0:22:070:22:10

-"Through the pain that has no rhyme.

0:22:110:22:13

-"My muse cannot find a name

0:22:140:22:15

-"For this crag

-that stands between us.

0:22:150:22:18

-"Two who are separate, free beings

0:22:210:22:24

-"Islands embracing each other

0:22:250:22:27

-"In the great motionless tide

0:22:280:22:30

-"Before the blockade

-of the day's waves.

0:22:300:22:33

-"That's what we are,

-but we don't care about this.

0:22:330:22:37

-"We cast off the crag's weight

0:22:390:22:41

-"We grow stronger, closer

-and drown out the noise

0:22:410:22:45

-"Then, tomorrow,

-we'll challenge it."

0:22:450:22:48

-I stick two fingers up

-to this illness.

0:22:590:23:02

-I'm going to kick it out.

0:23:030:23:05

-I'm determined to kick

-the blooming thing out of my life.

0:23:050:23:11

-I've done it once.

0:23:110:23:12

-I am going to do it again.

0:23:130:23:15

-So, that's it.

0:23:180:23:19

-S4C Subtitles by Testun Cyf.

0:23:420:23:44

-.

0:23:440:23:44

Portread dewr gan fam am ei brwydr yn erbyn iselder ar ol geni babi. A brave and honest account of a mother's struggle with post-natal depression after the birth of her children.