Maltsters v Policy Wonks Only Connect

Hello and welcome to Only Connect,

the quiz that's more confusing than Andy Murray in a T-shirt

with a George Cross on it - though not nearly as sexy.

Although, having said that, let's meet the teams.

On my right, Dan Jones,

a Crown prosecutor who brews his own beer - a pale ale called Nunthorpe.

Raymond Baggaley, a wine enthusiast

who has built a model railway in his loft

and is nicknamed Yaya Choo-choo by relatives.

And their captain, Pete Mitchell,

a music teacher who plays in a rock band called The Typhoons,

an acoustic band called The Twophoons

and a trio called Strum, Thump And Warble.

United by a love of liquor, they are the Maltsters.

Nice solid group of drinkers - that's my kind of team.

Is there anything you CAN'T do?

There are many things we can't do. Um, yeah.

Any weaknesses? Any weaknesses as a team?

Not ones that we're willing to own up to at this stage, no.

Let's hope they don't become clear during the play of the quiz.

You are facing tonight, on my left,

Helen Thomas, a fund manager

with a passion for 2p slot machines and air hockey.

Robert Colvile, a freelance journalist and author,

who was described by the Daily Mail as a totalitarian Maoist.

And their captain, Robert McIlveen,

a history and politics graduate

who has smuggled heroine into a prison -

as part of a test operation for sniffer dogs.

United by a passion for policy, they are the Policy Wonks.

How does your team know each other? What brings you here?

Helen and I used to work together at a Think Tank in Westminster,

at which Robert, here, used to come to a lot of the events we held.

Well, welcome to OUR Think Tank.

I think you'll find it a little less social.

Let's get on with the quiz. Round One.

What is the connection between four, apparently random clues?

Maltsters, you won the toss.

You'll be going first. Please select a hieroglyph.

-Two Reeds, please.

-Two Reeds.

OK, what is the connection between these clues?

Here's the first.

Ubaldo dove sei?

That's Italian, isn't it?

"Dove sei" means "Where are you?"

Next, please.

I think they're "Where's Wally?"

in different languages. Yeah?

BELL

Are they "Where's Wally?" in different languages?

After two clues, you get 3 points.

They absolutely are.

What languages are we looking at?

-Er, the first one's Italian, I think.

-That's right.

He's called Ubaldo.

-Swedish?

-Swedish?

-It's Norwegian, the second one.

-Oh, Norwegian.

Um, is that Welsh?

It's beautiful Welsh, of course.

-And German, finally.

-Wo ist Walter?

It's a scarier question in German, isn't it?

I'm not telling you.

I won't tell you where he is.

"Where's Wally?" in different languages.

Well done, Maltsters, you get 3 points.

And Policy Wonks, your chance to choose.

-Horned Viper, please.

-The Horned Viper.

Ah, these are going to be picture clues.

They have something in common. What is it?

Here's the first.

INAUDIBLE DISCUSSION

Next, please.

INAUDIBLE DISCUSSION

Next, please.

INAUDIBLE DISCUSSION

INAUDIBLE DISCUSSION

Next, please.

They're all Dutch.

-We'll just buzz.

-Three seconds. BUZZER

They're all paintings by Dutch artists.

They are not all by Dutch artists,

so Maltsters, you have the chance for a bonus point.

Are they paintings with parents in the title?

I'm afraid not. That's close.

But for a bonus, not close enough.

You're looking at Whistler's Mother.

-Is that the one you recognised?

-Well, there's the...

Is it Saturn Devouring His Children by Goya?

And there's When Did You Last See Your Father?

That's right and the first one's

Daughter of Jephthah,

but they're not all parents.

The first one is the daughter,

so we don't see parents in them all.

-Very close but not quite enough for the bonus.

-Oh, well.

You may choose your own question.

-Eye of Horus, please.

-Eye of Horus. BELL

It's the music question.

You'll be hearing the clues. What connects them?

First one coming in now.

MUSIC: Moonlight Serenade by Glenn Miller

Moonlight Serenade. Next, please.

# Last night after strollin'

# We got in at half past nine

# Sittin' at the kitchen fire

# I asked her to be mine... #

Next, please.

# All right, hold on tight now

# It's down, down to the wire

# Set your hopes way too high

# The living's in the way we die... #

Three seconds. BUZZER

What do we think? Times of day or...?

INAUDIBLE

I need an answer.

They're all set in the evening

and involve moonlight.

Not all to do with the evening,

so Policy Wonks, I'm going to play you a blast of the final clue.

You get the chance of a bonus point.

# I'll thank him for his work

# And your birth and... #

Do you know the answer?

Are they all by Scottish artists?

That's not it either.

It is to do with light, but not the evening.

Natural sources of illumination.

The third clue, The Living Daylights.

The one you didn't hear Sunshine On Leith.

And the first one's Moonlight Serenade.

And Roamin' In The Gloamin', which is a sort of twilight.

Natural sources of light.

So, no points there,

but Policy Wonks, you may choose your own question.

-Water, please.

-Water. What is the connection between these clues?

Here's the first.

Next, please.

INAUDIBLE DISCUSSION

-I think we need to see another one.

-Yeah? Next, please.

Back street? Back alley?

Next, please.

INAUDIBLE DISCUSSION

Three seconds.

BUZZER

Do they all have prizes named after them?

They do not all have prizes named after them, although a good guess.

I like that one. Maltsters, another bonus chance.

-Um, anything?

-I can't think.

I don't see anything.

We have nothing, I'm afraid.

Nothing? That's very interesting.

These are all characters

who have attracted the attention

of the great playwright and filmmaker Mike Leigh.

He has made films about Gilbert and Sullivan,

about the artist Turner.

Vera Drake is the illegal abortionist,

and that beautician and soiree hostess, of course,

Beverly in the great Abigail's Party, his play and TV drama.

Mike Leigh characters and subjects.

That was that one.

OK, you may choose your own question.

-Lion, please.

-Lion. What is the connection between these clues?

Here's the first.

INAUDIBLE DISCUSSION

Next, please.

Carla Lane sitcoms... There's a few. There's Bread, Butterflies.

Shall we take another one?

Next, please.

International Rescue Craft...

INAUDIBLE DISCUSSION

BUZZER

They're all something "birds".

They are all to do with birds.

Mythical birds. Very well done.

Coming in after three clues, you get 2 points.

You didn't need to see the capital of Arizona. That's Phoenix.

What are we looking at?

Um, the Carla Lane sitcom

-would be The Liver Birds.

-Mm-hmm.

Thunderbirds, International Rescue craft.

-Yep.

-Indonesian national airline?

It's called Garuda.

It's a sort of humanoid bird,

a religious symbol.

But they all involve mythical birds.

Well done.

Policy Wonks, there is one question remaining.

Your last chance for points

this round. It's the Twisted Flax.

Very good luck.

First clue coming in now.

INAUDIBLE DISCUSSION

Next, please.

Teddy bears...

Shall we go for that?

BUZZER

-Teddy bears.

-Good gamble.

Coming in after two clues,

you get 3 points.

They all have ursine familiars.

Tell me about the clues

we're looking at.

So, Grayson Perry has Alan Measles.

Alan Measles is the great Grayson Perry's teddy bear god.

Sebastien Flyte

-in Brideshead Revisited.

-Mm-hmm.

Spotty Man is SuperTed's friend

or foe, I can't remember.

Friend. Very much a friend, yes.

And, obviously, Christopher Robin

-has Pooh.

-In Winnie-the-Pooh.

They all have teddy bear friends.

Very well done.

That means, at the end of Round One...

Onto Round Two, the sequences round.

Maltsters, you'll be going first again,

so please choose a sequential question.

-Um, Twisted Flax, please.

-The Twisted Flax. OK.

I would like to know what would come fourth in this sequence.

Here's the first.

INAUDIBLE DISCUSSION

Next, please.

INAUDIBLE DISCUSSION

Next, please.

They're all national capitals but that's not going to be enough.

There's a sequence. Um...

INAUDIBLE DISCUSSION

They're not summits, something like that?

We don't have anything to guess at what the last city might be?

Three seconds. BUZZER

Reykjavik?

-I need an answer.

-Reykjavik.

Not the right answer, I'm afraid,

so Policy Wonks, do you want a go?

-Moscow.

-That is the right answer.

-And why?

-It's the capitals

of the four largest countries

by land area in reverse order,

so going up to the largest country.

That's right. The capitals of America, China, Canada and Russia.

Capitals of the world's largest countries,

the largest being Russia.

So, you get a bonus point.

You may choose your own question.

-Eye of Horus, please.

-The Eye of Horus.

What will come fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

INAUDIBLE DISCUSSION

Next, please.

Interesting. Get one more?

-Yeah.

-Next, please.

INAUDIBLE DISCUSSION

Sir Christopher Wren said, "I am going to dine with some men.

"If anyone calls..."

Let's get it right.

"I'm at St Paul's."

-BUZZER

-I'm at St Paul's.

It's a lovely guess, but I'm afraid it's not the right answer.

So, Maltsters, you have the chance

of a bonus point.

I'll BE at St Paul's?

No, that's basically the same guess,

but the words are absolutely key.

You are right, it is a poem.

It is the Wren clerihew, which says,

"Sir Christopher Wren said,

'I'm going to dine with some men.

'If anyone calls,

'Say I'm designing St Paul's'".

That is how that nice little poem ends. "Designing St Paul's."

Here's another one.

"The people of Spain think Cervantes

"Equalled a half a dozen Dantes

"An opinion resented most bitterly

"By the people of Italy."

Clerihews.

Maltsters, you don't get a bonus

point but you may choose a question.

-Um, Water, please.

-Water. OK, what would come fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

INAUDIBLE DISCUSSION

Next, please.

INAUDIBLE DISCUSSION

Next, please.

INAUDIBLE DISCUSSION

-Shall we say that?

-Yeah.

-BUZZER

After?

Not the answer, I'm afraid,

so another bonus option for you.

It's "About".

Would be an acceptable answer.

We've got Ancient Egyptian Sun God.

Why are they acceptable?

It's "There", "Here", "Ere", "Re".

-You're taking a letter off each time.

-That's it.

So, something that stands for "Re",

so "About",

or the Ancient Egyptian Sun God.

He's also Ra, he's known as Re.

Let me tell you a great story

about the Sun God Re.

I think you'll like this story, Dan.

He was angry with humanity,

so he turned his eye into a goddess

and sent her to wreak vengeance.

But she was TOO vicious,

there was too much killing,

so he thought,

"How am I going to stop her?"

So, he said,

"Come over here, Eye Goddess.

I've got you some delicious

jugs of blood."

She loved blood.

It wasn't really blood, it was beer

that contained pomegranate juice,

so it looked like blood.

So, she guzzled these jugs

and she was too drunk to finish the massacre.

What do you think of that?

Pomegranate beer.

Could be worth a go, yeah.

I'll think about it, yeah.

Who wouldn't want a jug of beer that looks like blood?

Ooh, it might not be a big seller, but you never know.

If anyone could bring me a pint now, that would be excellent.

Well done.

You get a bonus point for that answer

and you may choose your own question.

-Two Reeds, please.

-Two Reeds. What would come fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

Next, please.

INAUDIBLE DISCUSSION

INAUDIBLE DISCUSSION

-Keep going.

-Yeah.

-Next, please.

It's Time's People of the Year.

INAUDIBLE DISCUSSION

It could be Merkel, I think.

She's the best chance we've got.

BUZZER

Angela Merkel.

Sorry, 2015: Angela Merkel.

Is the right answer.

Angela Merkel was the Time Person

of the Year in 2015. Very well done.

Maltsters, what would you like?

-Lion, please.

-Lion.

OK, what would come fourth in this picture sequence?

What would you expect to see in the fourth picture?

Here's the first.

-What's her name?

-I don't know.

She was in War And Peace.

INAUDIBLE DISCUSSION

Next, please.

-Who's that?

-That's Rod Stewart's wife.

INAUDIBLE DICUSSION

Yeah, shall we go with that?

Who's the last one?

It's somebody Farthing?

INAUDIBLE DISCUSSION

Is that what it's going to be?

INAUDIBLE DICSUSSION

Three seconds.

BUZZER

Can you think of anybody

-whose last name's Farthing?

-No.

I can't give you long to debate it.

Um, The Animals Of Farthing Wood.

Why?

We think they are pre-decimal coins,

getting smaller in denomination,

starting with tuppence.

I will accept that answer.

We had a picture

of Timothy Farthing,

the vicar from Dad's Army.

The Animals of Farthing Wood

would also do. Very well done.

So, who are we looking at?

-It's Tuppence Middleton.

-Mm-hmm.

Penny Lancaster. Um...

Jill Halfpenny.

Our question editor spent a long time

poring over those pictures

to decide what was perfect.

Thank God there isn't a coin called the Lumley

or we'd have been looking at four identical clues!

Pre-decimal coins

and we're halving as we go along,

so we wanted to hear the "Farthing"

at clue four. Well done.

Policy Wonks,

there's one question remaining, the Horned Viper.

You'll be getting that. What would come fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

I recognise his name, but I can't...

-It feels sporty but I can't remember who he is.

-Next, please.

INAUDIBLE DISCUSSION

Next, please.

INAUDIBLE DISCUSSION

They've all got Ls, but I don't think they're...

INAUDIBLE DICSUSSION

Three seconds.

BUZZER

Lynne? Lucy Lynne?

Lynn Redgrave.

Er, no...

Oh, I see, you're sort looking at...

But the alphabet doesn't go like that,

cos it's going I, U, O...

Not a sequence, I'm afraid.

Maltsters, the last bonus chance

-of the round.

-Do we have an answer?

-Carol...

-Kirkwood.

-Carol Kirkwood.

-Carol Kirkwood.

Is the right answer.

My goodness, I didn't think

you were going to say that.

Neither did we!

Carol Kirkwood is one of many possible correct answers. Why?

-Why?

-Are they weather presenters

on BBC Breakfast in sequence,

up to the current one?

-The sequence is channels.

-Ah.

-Oh, right.

Liam Dutton is a weather presenter on Channel 4,

and we're going ITV or Channel 3,

Louise Lear on BBC2,

so someone who's a weather presenter on BBC1.

Beautiful Carol Kirkwood

is an acceptable answer. Well done.

That means, at the end of Round Two...

Time now for the Connecting Wall

and it'll be the Policy Wonks to go first this time,

so please choose Lion or Water.

-Lion, please.

-Lion.

You have two and a half minutes to solve the Lion Wall, starting now.

Fin Fang Foom is a fictional dragon.

Smaug is a fictional dragon.

Puff is a fictional dragon.

Also, pastry - Filo and Flaky.

-And Shortcrust.

-And Choux, indeed.

-Rhaegal?

-He's in Game Of Thrones.

-BUZZ

Does anyone know what Omidyar is?

Omidyar is the founder of eBay. I'm not quite sure what that stands for.

Shall we try going for pastry?

Oh, Toothless is a fictional dragon as well.

BUZZ

-That's these ones.

-Good. OK, right. Possible pastries.

Let's put pastries to one side and think abut other things.

Wales...

Appendix, Colophon...

Ah, Appendix, Frontispiece and Page.

BUZZ

Should be books, right?

-Spine.

-Yeah, Spine, obviously.

-BUZZ

-Well... Oh, agreed.

-Three strikes now. Be careful.

We have the pastries

and the slightly strange ones which we are...

-So, we have five potential pastries.

-Yes.

-So...

Larry Page founded Google, Jimmy Wales founded Wikipedia.

Pierre Omidyar founded eBay and...

-And Mr Puff...

-Mr Puff founded...

-No, Mr...

-Well, Shortcrust, no.

Filo, may be more of a likely name,

surname.

We're talking about surnames of...

Of company founders.

That are tech companies.

I think it's probably Filo or Puff.

We've got three chances so...

We're confident of those three.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-So, Filo.

That's it. You've solved the Wall.

Very well done. And there are points available,

if you can tell me the connections. What about that first blue group?

I am not going to say that first clue

but what is the connection there?

They are all fictional dragons.

-They are all dragons. You tell me how you say that first one.

-Sm-owg?

-Sm-org.

-Sm-org.

-See, I think it's meant to be Sm-owg.

From The Hobbit. I was looking at it on the internet

and, according to Benedict Cumberbatch, it's Sm-owg.

-Well, he is the one to listen to.

-Well, he IS Smaug, so...

-Yeah.

-Fin Fang Foom - what's he from?

-Marvel Comics.

-And then How To Train Your Dragon.

-Exactly.

-And then...

Rhaegal is one of the Game Of Thrones dragons.

That's exactly right. All fictional... Well, I SAY fictional.

-We ARE in Wales. All dragons.

-Yes.

Whether it's documentary or not, we simply don't know.

And what about the green group -

Colophon, Frontispiece, Spine, Appendix?

These are all parts of books, I think we said.

That's it. Parts of a book.

And the next group, starting Wales?

They're all founders of tech companies, websites.

Of websites. David Filo is founder of Yahoo.

-That's the one you didn't know.

-Cos Jerry Yang was the other guy.

He was the cofounder with Jerry Yang, that's right.

And what about the blue group - Choux, Flaky, Puff, Shortcrust?

-Pastry.

-Simply types of pastry.

So, that's all the groups and all the connections.

You get a bonus for getting it all right. It's a maximum of 10.

Let's bring in the Maltsters now, give them a new Connecting Wall.

16 fresh clues still need sorting into four connected groups of four.

You'll be getting the Water Wall. The lion's been taken.

You have two and a half minutes to solve it, starting now.

Right, um... Records?

Turntable, Spindle...

Tonearm, Spindle, Needle.

-Speed selector?

-Speed selector.

Needle and spindle?

BUZZ

-No, OK, shall we try with Turntable?

-Yeah.

-And without needle?

Yes. OK, good, so...

Have we got...? Have we got DJs, yeah?

-Nick Grimshaw.

-Zoe Ball?

-Breakfast Show presenters maybe.

-And Chris Moyles.

-Yeah. Radcliffe and Grimshaw did it, didn't he?

-Zoe Ball I think did.

-OK.

-Shall we try them?

-BUZZ

-Mayo maybe?

-Could be.

BUZZ

BUZZ

-Grimshaw, Radcliffe?

-BUZZ

-OK, Read is there as well.

-Mike Read.

-BUZZ

-Have we got any others there...

that we're thinking of? Um...

Stand, Read, Rogers...

Needle, Stand...

-Architects.

-Architects?

Norman Foster, Rogers.

-Rogers. Renzo Piano.

-Yeah.

-Foster.

-Foster.

Another one?

Grimshaw? Yes!

Three strikes now.

OK, so, we've definitely got the DJs, haven't we?

So, I would have thought that's Ball, Moyles, Read...

Oh, we've got Mayo and Radcliffe. What are the others?

Needle, Gun, Stand...

Point? Gunpoint, Standpoint...

-Yeah, that's it. Needlepoint.

-Ballpoint.

Ballpoint, needlepoint, gunpoint, standpoint.

Hang on, let's just have a look through. Are we happy with those?

-Yeah.

-Yeah? Shall we go for it?

That's it. You've solved the Wall. Very well done.

What about the connections? Tell me about the first blue group,

starting Tonearm or Ton-yarm.

Parts of a record deck, a record player.

Yeah, parts of a record player. Any of you still got a record player?

-ALL:

-Yes.

-All of us still have a record player.

What about the green group, starting Piano?

-Architects.

-They are architects.

-What are their first names?

-Renzo Piano.

-Mm-hmm.

-Richard Rogers.

-Mm-hmm.

-Norman Foster.

-Mm-hmm.

-I'm not sure about Grimshaw.

-I don't know Grimshaw.

That's the one you didn't know.

You were thinking of a different category.

-It's Sir Nicholas Grimshaw. The Eden Project is one of his.

-Oh, yes.

Waterloo International station - he did that as well.

The architect Sir Nicholas Grimshaw.

What about the pink group, starting Ball?

We think they can all be followed by "Point".

Ballpoint, gunpoint, needlepoint, standpoint. That's the word one.

And the last turquoise group, starting Read.

-Breakfast DJs?

-Have they all done the Radio 1...?

Breakfast Show. I think so.

We think they've all hosted the Radio 1 Breakfast Show.

That's right. Radio 1 Breakfast hosts.

Mike Read, Simon Mayo, Chris Moyles and Mark Radcliffe.

Very well done.

That is all the groups and all the connections.

I can give you the maximum of 10. Let's have a look at the scores.

So, it's a close one and it will be decided by the Missing Vowels round.

In this round, we take the vowels

out of well-known names, phrases and sayings.

We respace the consonants and I want to know

what those disguised clues are. Fingers on buzzers, teams.

I can tell you that the first group are all squirrels.

-Wonks.

-Chipmunk.

-Correct.

-Wonks.

-Woodchuck.

-Correct.

-Maltsters.

-Porridge?

That's not a squirrel, I'm afraid.

Wonks, do you know?

Paradgio?

No, it's Prairie dog. Next clue.

-Policy Wonks?

-Timmy Teapots?

That's not it.

Maltsters, do you know?

-Tommy Teapots?

-No.

This little chap is Timmy Tiptoes.

Next category.

-Maltsters.

-Mum's Army.

-Correct.

-Policy Wonks.

-MistressChef.

Well done.

-Maltsters.

-Call The Midhusband.

Yes, it is.

-Wonks.

-Loose Men.

-Excellent.

The next category. Things that might make you cry.

-Wonks.

-Hay fever.

-Correct.

-Wonks.

-Chopping onions.

-Yes, it is.

-Wonks.

-Weepie.

-Well done.

-Maltsters.

-CS gas.

-Very good.

Next category.

END OF ROUND MUSIC

No time to tell me that that is Shaving mirror

because the bell has gone

for the end of the quiz.

And I can tell you that the winners and through to the next round,

with 23 points, are the Policy Wonks.

Very well done to you.

Very well played. Maltsters, you finished second, with 21 points.

-Hmm.

-I can tell you that with that excellent score,

you ARE is our highest-scoring second place finishers,

so you are still in the game and you'll be back

to play your way through to the next round later in the series,

so well done to you as well.

We will all be meeting again.

Please join me next time when we'll be awarding points for strength,

intelligence, wisdom, dexterity, constitution and charisma.

And if you didn't get that reference

to the role-playing game Dungeons & Dragons, then...

Oh, who am I kidding? Of course you got it! Goodbye.