Part-Time Poets v Surrealists Only Connect

I'm going to begin tonight with an apology to Joanna Lumley.

I won't say why.

The agreement was that the apology be as brief as possible,

lest an extended reference to Joanna Lumley

reignite those synapses in our question editor's brain

that have been so agonisingly and expensively

rendered dormant by order of the court.

Miss Lumley, we're sorry,

but, thankfully, it was

only squirty cream, whatever it looked like.

On my right, Nina Grant,

a postgraduate student who has a

tattoo of her favourite extinct bird, the great auk.

Katie McGettigan, a university research fellow who,

as a former employee of a mobile phone shop,

witnessed Judi Dench trying to reclaim

her lost James Bond ringtone.

And their captain - Jenny Harris, a PhD student

and keen choral singer,

who once attended an Ancient Greek summer school.

United by a passion for poetry, they are the Part-time Poets.

Now, you won your opening heat against the Oscar Men.

How are you feeling about tonight's game?

We're feeling good, confident, ready to make some connections.

Let's see who you're facing this time around.

It is, on my left, Jeremy Partington,

a geography graduate and former archive assistant,

who painted a sports hall at Dracula's birthplace.

Chris James,

a software developer who once opened a bottle of beer for Bob Mortimer

with his teeth. And their captain - Jonathan Carter,

a former criminal barrister

who has written a short comedy play about the law of murder.

United by a love of asparagus, fish, wheel, they are the Surrealists.

Now, you won your opening heat against the Genealogists.

What do you think are your team's strengths?

I think we are reasonably confident on closed railway stations,

'80s sitcoms and the poems of John Cooper Clarke.

All of which could be coming up.

But we won't find out whether they are or not unless we play Round One.

What is the connection between four apparently random clues?

Part-Time Poets, you won the toss -

you'll be going first.

Which hieroglyph would you like?

The Eye of Horus, please.

The Eye of Horus.

That will be the first question

of the game.

Your first clue coming up now.

Pink Pinky. Next, please.

Orange Clyde.

Oh, are they...

Is this like Reservoir Dogs?

I'm half thinking, but maybe another one.

Next, please. No.

Oh, no, no.

Oh, it's the Pac-Man...

-Oh.

-Ghosts, isn't it?

-Names of Pac-Man ghosts.

-Yeah. OK.

And the colours.

-Yeah.

-Names and colours

of the Pac-Man ghosts.

Names and colours

of the Pac-Man ghosts.

Almost certainly an inspiration for

Reservoir Dogs,

it is the Pac-Man ghosts.

You didn't need to see

Cyan Inky at the end there.

-Yeah.

-We once did one of our charity

episodes with Charlie Brooker,

we had a Pac-Man question,

he got it so quickly, the first clue

hadn't even come up.

"Is it Pac-Man?" he shouted,

as I said, "Here's your first clue."

Very well done -

they are Pac-Man ghosts.

Surrealists, what would you like?

-Lion, please.

-Lion.

What is the connection

between these clues?

Here's the first.

Next, please.

John Terry's the footballer.

Is this captains? Captains?

Next, please.

-Next, please.

-Protector of...

-Defence. Protect.

-Yeah.

Defender, defender.

Defender.

Defender is the word you want.

Defender of the...

Talk me through the clues.

Well, the British monarch is

defender of the faith.

Flash Gordon...

Had 14 hours to save the Earth,

so he was defender of that.

Yes, one of the defenders of

the Earth - there were several of

them, yeah.

I'd guess John Terry must have won

Defender of the Year in those years.

Three-time UEFA

Defender of the Year.

Seems like a nice guy, doesn't he,

John Terry? I'm happy for him.

And the first one?

-No.

-It's a sort of 14th-century

political treatise.

Marsilius of Padua,

Defender of the Peace.

So well done, you get a point.

And back to you,

Part-Time Poets, for a choice.

Can we have Water please?

You certainly can. What is the

connection between these clues?

Here's the first.

Did he play...

Guitar on Roll With It?

OK, next please.

-Mimed.

-Maybe it's miming in videos.

But I wouldn't want to jump... No,

because in videos they usually mime.

They always mime in videos.

I don't know if he actually played

the guitar in that track.

Somebody else might have played it.

They mimed doing it in the video?

Maybe we should have another one.

Yeah, next please.

Yes, he did do that.

So he mimed it on the video

but he didn't play on the record.

OK.

They mimed it on the video, but they

didn't play it on the track.

Tell me something else.

Erm...

I'm going to give you another go.

Are they credited with it, too?

Or are they not featured

on the track at all?

I can't take it, I'm afraid.

So I'm going to throw it over to

the Surrealists for a possible bonus

-point.

-So, it was all on...

Top Of The Pops.

It was all on Top Of The Pops

that they were miming.

It is about Top Of The Pops.

Because on all pop videos there is

some mime and some singing.

It's not really a commonality.

The thing is that when they appeared

on Top Of The Pops,

where they're supposed to be singing

live, they were miming.

Can you tell me anything about

the particular clues?

I can remember John... I've seen the

thing of John Peel playing mandolin

-on Maggie May.

-That's right.

Rod Stewart just invited him

to come on and do it.

That was for fun. The last one,

All About Eve were the performers,

and they just couldn't hear it.

They just couldn't hear the music

being played in. So they...

SHE MOUTHS

SHE LAUGHS

For a choice.

What would you like?

I'll have Twisted Flax, please.

The Twisted Flax.

Well, well, well.

It's the music question.

Let's hope these aren't all silent,

or it could be very difficult.

I've got a knack for picking them.

You'll be hearing your clues,

and the first one is coming in now.

# Gonna get through your head

# What the mystery man said

# Because I'm gonna... #

Next, please.

# You'll remember me... #

Sting, Fields of Gold.

OK, next, please.

# Get on up on the floor

# Cos we're gonna boogie-oogie-oogie

# Till you just can't boogie no more... #

Anything? Next, please.

MUSIC: Nut Rocker By B Bumble and the Stingers

Is it elements?

I'm going to say gold. Gold.

-They all have metals?

-So often

the answer on this show, isn't it?

Not this time, I'm afraid, so a

bonus chance for you now, Poets.

We think that they are...

Things that you might get if

something bites you?

Related to bees.

Things to do with bees.

Things to do with bees?

Yes, I think stinging, rather than

biting, is the...

-Hives, yeah.

-You can get hives, or

they come in a hive.

So we weren't sure.

Absolutely right, the first one was

The Hives. What else did we hear?

Sting, which bees do.

I'm not sure what else, though.

Something to do with honey, maybe?

A Taste Of Honey was the third clue.

And the fourth one,

this is the performers,

B Bumble and the Stingers.

So all to do with bees.

That is absolutely right.

You get a bonus point, then,

and the chance to choose a question.

We will have

the Horned Viper, please.

OK. What is the connection between

these clues?

Here's the first.

-One. Gaelic football.

-OK, OK.

There's one ball.

Next, please.

One and three. Two divisions...

Or is it how many points

you get if you score...?

Numbers worn by somebody, maybe?

Next, please.

OK. This is never going to be our...

Let's get the last one, maybe,

cos it might be the giveaway.

Yeah. Next, please.

Oh, God.

How many are allowed to shoot for

goal or something?

Differences between...

Three seconds.

Erm, it's the...

..number shirt worn by the attackers.

I think that's a reasonable guess.

I love the word "attackers".

I'd like to see

one of those on a sports team.

Not the answer, I'm afraid, so a

bonus chance for you, Surrealists.

-Chris?

-Erm...

The scores for a field goal and...

..for putting the ball over the posts itself.

That's right. This is the points you

get in these various sports if

the ball goes through the posts

over the crossbar.

That's absolutely right. Which one

-of these sports are you a fan of, Chris?

-All of them.

Big Gaelic football watcher, are you?

Well done, you get a bonus point and

you get the final question

of the round. The Two Reeds.

These are going to be picture clues

because we haven't had those yet.

First one coming up now.

Barbecue grill. Chicken.

Next, please.

Next, please.

That's The Jerk. So jerk?

Jerk chicken.

What are you going to say?

-Jerk.

-That's not very nice.

It's not just barbecue chicken,

it's jerk chicken, yes,

that's absolutely right,

you recognised The Jerk in the poster,

didn't need to see the last clue,

that's in Olympic weightlifting, a jerk.

And what's going on at clue two?

Some kind... Well, there must be

some kind of concept in physics

for a jerk, I suppose.

That's the equation for it.

It's the rate of change of

acceleration. That's the jerk.

If you change acceleration,

it feels like you're being jerked,

laughed the question editor earlier.

He loves a maths question, loves it.

That's right, they are all jerks,

very well done.

At the end of Round One,

the Part-Time Poets

have three points,

the Surrealists have five.

On to Round Two, the Sequences Round.

What comes fourth in a sequence is what I want to know.

Part-time Poets, you'll be going first again.

Please choose a question.

Twisted Flax, please.

The Twisted Flax. What will come

fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

OK.

Next, please.

Logan.

-There's a loganberry.

-There is.

That's in North America.

Erm, next please.

Ojos del Salado.

OK, it has to be an order.

Eyes of... Right, we're looking for

the next one, so Europe,

North America, South America.

-Africa?

-Yeah, or Asia.

But what are they? It's the name of

some kind of thing.

Why on earth

is it called that in Europe?

Three seconds.

OK. Erm, Asia...

..gooseberry.

Not the answer, I'm afraid.

So Surrealists, you have the chance

of a bonus point.

Africa: Kilimanjaro.

That's not it,

but tell me why you say it.

We thought it was going...

It would be Antarctica, wouldn't it?

Because it's going, it's going...

Yeah, highest volcanoes in

the continents going anti-clockwise.

Yes, that's not what

the sequence is.

The third one, anyway,

you're looking at,

would be the world's highest active

volcano, so you couldn't get higher.

The answer is Asia: Godwin-Austen.

Or I'd have taken K2.

These are the second-highest peaks

on their respective continents.

But then the order is of height.

Right. So it's not a geographical

order of continent.

We've taken the second-highest peaks

on each one,

and we're going in height order.

This is what you get after ten

series. We did the highest peaks on

BBC Four. I was a redhead

and smoked 20 a day.

Now, second-highest peaks per

continent in order of height.

So no bonus points for you,

Surrealists, but you may choose a question.

Horned Viper, please.

The Horned Viper. What would come

fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

Decimalisation.

Next, please.

So it would be 20p, would it be?

It's the number of...

Is it number of sides?

Of the silver.

No, because they're round.

Next, please.

20p.

-Why?

-Ones that came in...

It's when they came in and out.

It's what happened.

They came in first, then...

Decimalisation, yeah.

20p, I think.

4th: 20p.

Is the right answer,

and what's the sequence?

The issues of...

It's the issues of decimalisation,

and then the taking out...

No, the issues of decimalisation and

the last one to arrive was

the 20-pence piece in the '80s.

It's just in order of introduction

of decimal coins.

That's absolutely right.

And when was decimalisation?

'71 but the coins came in in '69.

That's right. Although in the early

70s, that was when ITV had its TV

series Granny Gets The Point.

Which was in which a grandson

explains to a grandma about

decimalisation to help her

understand the coins.

That's right. Fourth.

20p would be the right answer.

Introduction of the 20p coin

in 1982.

-Poets, what would you like?

-Lion, please.

Lion. What will come forth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

Next, please.

OK. Alexander II.

Nicholas II.

Do you know these definitely?

This is my history at A level,

so I should.

Nicholas II is the one that gets

done in the revolutions, isn't he?

-Yes, he is.

-So there's got to be

someone else in between.

Oh, is it Alexander III?

Is there somebody between

Alexander II and III?

That's a really good question.

Should we get the next one?

That will call Alexander or Nicholas.

-I think we should get the next one.

-Next, please.

-Right, I think that's Nicholas II. I think.

-OK.

Nicholas II.

Is the right answer.

-And who are these people?

-They are

tsars of Russia up to the last one.

They're the last emperors of Russia

up to unlucky Nicholas II,

executed by the Bolsheviks.

That's right.

Surrealists, I'm coming back to you

for a choice.

Eye of Horus, please.

The Eye of Horus.

What would you expect to come fourth

in this sequence? Here's the first.

Next, please.

-Computer.

-Yes.

Next, please.

Something to do with development.

Well, it...

Things are going to get...

It's not number, the answer, is it?

You must start with database

management, web development.

Then you get the coding languages

and then you get assembly languages,

so it will be whatever the final, highest level of languages is.

What are we going to say?

Compilers?

Compiler languages.

Not the answer, I'm afraid.

Part-time Poets, would you like to have a go?

Er...HTML.

Not it either.

Do you know what sort of thing

we are looking at?

Well, it's... Well, well,

they're sort of programming

languages. Computer languages.

Yeah, they are.

They're programming languages.

Fourth, third, second

and first generation.

And we're going back towards

-machine languages.

-Oh.

I mean, I would go through the full

explanation of why,

but we actually did a

focus group of our viewers.

It turns out they're not immortal,

and so I'm not going to go through

all the explanations of why this is,

but trust me,

machine languages is the answer.

So no bonus points for you, Poets.

But you may choose a question.

-Water, please.

-Water.

OK, these are going to be picture clues.

What kind of thing would you expect

to see in the last picture?

Here's the first.

-Edward Scissorhands.

-Yeah.

Next, please.

Oh, that's Andrew...

whatever his name is - he does the

tennis on television, doesn't he?

-Andrew...

-Is there...

Is there something...

Andrew Scissorfeet.

Andrew, Edward...

Oh, is it the Queen's children?

-Edward, Andrew...

-Do you think?

Is that definitely an Andrew?

I would go for Charles.

You've got Anne and then Charles.

I'd go for Charles Dickens.

-Yeah. OK.

-Why not?

All right. Charles Dickens.

Why would you pick Charles Dickens

when you could have picked Charles Hawtrey?

I will reluctantly

give you the point.

We had the wonderful

Charles Hawtrey.

-And why?

-They're the Queen's...

Names of the Queen's children in

-ascending order.

-Yeah.

Reverse order of age.

That's right. Edward,

that's Edward Scissorhands.

And it's Andrew Castle, the tennis

player, now TV presenter.

Anne Diamond, we had at clue three

so we needed a Charles.

The Queen's children in increasing

age and Charles Hawtrey was our

lovely choice.

Charles Dickens was yours.

Well done. Surrealists,

one question left.

It is the Two Reeds.

What will come fourth

in this sequence?

Here's the first.

Next, please.

Oh, it's a scale.

-D.

-Next.

-No, hang on.

D.

E flat. F.

F sharp.

I think it's just going up.

Fifth. F sharp.

Not right, I'm afraid.

That would not be a sequence.

Part-time Poets,

I'm going to show you the third.

You tell me what you think

would be next.

Oh, is it an inversion?

D...

No, that's too long, and I can see

that you don't know it.

These are Beethoven symphonies.

Oh. No, no, it's not.

So Beethoven's Second, Third,

Fourth and then a big one,

Beethoven's Fifth would be in...

-C?

-C minor.

It's in C minor.

Yeah. Fifth Symphony in C minor.

Well, if you don't know that,

you may not know this.

But it's an interesting thing

about this symphony -

it was the first symphony to use what?

Is it cymbals or something?

-No.

-Some instrument.

-Timpani?

Trombones.

First Symphony to use trombones.

Yeah, C minor is what it was in.

At the end of Round Two,

the Surrealists have seven points

and the Part-Time Poets have eight.

Connecting Wall time now,

and, Surrealists, it will be you to go first.

Would you like Lion or Water?

-Lion, please.

-The Lion Wall, two and a half minutes to solve it,

starting now.

OK, so these are...

They're kind of puritan people, aren't they?

Fox, Wesley, Lively...

Sorry?

People who've started religion-type things.

So who's the fourth one?

-What did you press last?

-I pressed, er...Smith.

Shall we do cricket terms?

Yeah, bail.

Right, slip.

Square.

OK. Bewilder.

Bewilder, baffle...

Oh, baffle.

-Puzzle.

-Puzzle.

-Fox.

Could be stump.

-BUZZER

-Oh, it could.

So we'll just go through all the variations.

BUZZER

Right, got one.

Darby...

BUZZER

-OK. Right.

-Three strikes now.

So we've got Fox and Wesley go together, we know that.

Penelope Lively...

Winners of the...

Women's players.

Yeah, women... Mary. She's a writer.

Mary Wesley. Penelope Lively.

-Paris Murdoch.

-It could be a Smith.

So what are the others, then? The others would be...

Starters of religions.

Plymouth Brethren,

Christian scientists...

Fox is Quakers.

So who's the fourth one?

-Smith.

-Smith is... Smith is...

-Shall we try...?

-Let's try that.

-With Smith?

-Yeah.

That's it, you've solved the Wall with a minute to go.

Well done. What about the connections?

The first blue group - slip, square, yorker, bail?

-Terms used in cricket.

-Terms used in cricket.

That's all it is. Terms in cricket.

And the green group starting baffle?

They're synonyms for "to confuse".

That's right. To perplex.

Synonyms also for each other, of course.

And the next group, starting Darby?

Founders of religion sects.

Founders of religious movements.

That's right and specifically Christian movements.

So who are we talking about?

-Smith is...

-Mary Baker Eddy.

Founder of Christian Science.

-George Fox.

-George Fox, who founded the Quakers, yeah.

Is it Abraham Darby of the Plymouth Brethren?

No, John Nelson Darby is the Plymouth Brethren,

and Joseph Smith is the founder of the Mormons.

Specifically Christian religions, they are all the founders.

And the last turquoise group, starting Murdoch?

Female writers.

Iris Murdoch, Pat Barker, Penelope Lively, Mary Wesley,

they are all female novelists.

So you found all the groups and all the connections

and I'll give you a bonus for getting it all right.

That's a total of 10.

Let's bring the Part-time Poets in now,

give them a new Connecting Wall and see what they can do with it.

You'll be getting the Water Wall cos the Lion's been taken.

You have two and a half minutes to solve it, starting now.

Scull is the part of a boat.

Yeah, Cox is... Oh, the...

Cox, stroke, scull and blade?

-BUZZER

-Those are rowing terms.

-Crab, you can catch a crab.

-OK, maybe scull, stroke, crab, blade.

Yes. OK, that's great.

-Brian Clough, Brian Blessed, Brian May.

-Brian Cox?

Yeah. Brian Cox. OK.

-BUZZER BOTH:

-Brian Lara.

-Oh, yeah.

-Without...

-May, maybe.

-Yeah.

-BUZZER

OK. Without Clough.

OK, right.

Three strikes now.

We've got so much time, so canyon and gorge and gulch and chasm.

All mean the same. But there's the Grand National...

-Grand piano.

-Grand Canyon and Grand Cru.

So those are probably grands and then the others...

Clough must mean a...

-Yeah.

-Like a dip in the landscape.

-Shall we...

-Shall we try that one?

-Shall we try grands?

-Yeah.

-I don't think it is, but try it.

That's it, you've solved the Wall.

And very quickly.

Train to catch? THEY LAUGH

So that's four points for the groups.

What about the connections?

The first blue group - scull, stroke, crab, blade?

Well, as I learned in Cambridge, these are terms to do with rowing.

-They are. Were you a rower?

-No.

But eventually I had to learn some of the words

cos I had friends who were.

Well, tell me what they mean, then.

Well, catching a crab was the one...

I thought it meant literally catching a crab...

Right.

..on your blade, but it actually means when your blade

goes in the water awkwardly and makes a little splash.

Yeah, apparently the blade handle strikes the athlete.

-Right.

-Blade, I think people know, is an oar.

Yeah. A scull is a sort of oar for sculling.

-Yeah.

-Stroke is the position of the boat, isn't it?

You sit at the stroke, I think.

Apparently so. I mean, I've never learned about rowing so quickly.

And the green group - Blessed, Lara, May, Cox?

They are all Brians.

They are famous Brians. Who are they, what do they do?

Brian Blessed, famous loud...

-Famous for shouting.

-Loud, beardy man.

Brian Lara, the cricketer.

-West Indies and Warwickshire, I think.

-Brian May, the musician.

And which Brian Cox am I thinking of?

The incredibly talented actor.

Oh, I was going to go for the scientist.

I was going to go for the scientist as well.

I'm thinking of both of them.

Famous Brians.

And what about the pink group, starting national?

They are all Grand or "Grond."

That's absolutely right. Grand National, grand piano,

Grand Canyon and perhaps "Grond" cru,

if you want to say it "grondly". THEY CHUCKLE

And the last turquoise group, starting Clough?

We think they are words for like a dip in the landscape

or a kind of opening.

Valley, sort of.

Yeah. Ravine would be another word.

Geographical dips.

That's absolutely right.

So you found all the groups and the connections.

I'll give you a bonus for getting it all right.

That is the maximum of 10.

Let's have a look at the scores.

The Surrealists have 17 points.

The Part-time Poets have 18.

And if you were shouting, "No,

"the Plymouth Brethren is John NELSON Derby,"

then why don't you come along and have a go at the next series

of Only Connect? Go to...

..to find out how to apply.

These are very close scores.

The missing vowels round will determine who is going home

and who is through to the next round.

Lest there be any doubt,

I will tell you that we have taken the vowels

out of well-known names, phrases and sayings.

We've respaced the consonants

and I want you to tell me what the disguised clues are.

I will tell you the connections upfront.

Let the Missing Vowels Round begin.

I will tell you that the first group are all...

Surrealists.

The devil and the deep blue sea.

Correct.

-Poets.

-A rock and a hard place.

Correct.

-Surrealists.

-Scylla and Charybdis.

Correct.

Surrealists.

-The sheets.

-That's correct.

Next category...

-Surrealists.

-Meg Ryan

and Sleepless In Seattle.

Correct.

Surrealists.

Meg Ryan and You've Got Mail.

Correct.

A very tricky one.

This is Michael Clarke Duncan

and The Green Mile.

Next clue.

Surrealists.

Beasley and Turner And Hooch.

Who would know that? Well done.

Next category...

-Poets.

-Rugby League side.

Correct.

-Poets.

-Baker's dozen.

Correct.

Not seeing this one? It's...

Next clue.

END-OF-ROUND STING

You can no longer tell me that that

is people at The Last Supper

because the bell has gone for the end of the quiz.

And I can tell you that, looking at the final scores,

I'm afraid, finishing with 21 points in second place,

it's The Last Supper

for the Part-time Poets.

The winners, with 23, it's the Surrealists.

Very well done to you.

You are through to the next round.

Poets, I'm so sorry.

In our new structure, losing one match is enough to send you home.

You've been a brilliant team.

Some really good quizzing.

We're very sorry to lose you.

But well done to you. You're through and we'll see you again.

What a night. Please join me next time as we continue our race towards

the finish line with all the glamour, excitement, sex appeal,

loan diamonds and saucy offers

that winning this esoteric quiz won't bestow.

Goodbye.