Psmiths v Cosmopolitans Only Connect

Hello and welcome to Only Connect where everyone's very excited

because we just had Alphabetti Spaghetti in the canteen.

Tasty - AND an anagram.

I actually wanted to make fish fingers

but I only had one F.

Joining us for a spell tonight

are, on my right,

Mark Smith, an archivist who used to work in a sponge factory.

Nick Holland,

a freelance copywriter, whose Anne Bronte biography

so inspired a reader that she wrote a song about it

called Anne, Gentle Anne.

And their captain, Nick Reed,

an English graduate who used to play Sunday morning football

with the creator of Bob The Builder.

United by a passion for PG Wodehouse and gloomy music,

they are the Smiths.

Now you are, of course, the One Directioners of Only Connect,

people will remember that as soon as they see you.

Do you think this is a success, this experiment?

Are you glad you've come?

Very much so, yes.

We aim to continue quizzing

and Holmfirth is the middle of where the three of us live,

so we might go there in disguise by taking our glasses off.

CHUCKLES Look out, Holmfirth.

You are facing tonight, on my left,

Annette Fenner, a travel enthusiast who honeymooned in Syria

and can only write upside-down.

Emily Watnick, a retired finance manager and history enthusiast

who discovered a medieval anthrax pit during

a routine archaeological dig.

And their captain, Amy Godel, a semi-retired Maths teacher

who, when visiting the New Forest,

mowed down some trees in a Chieftain tank.

United by a craving for cocktails and travel,

they are the Cosmopolitans.

Now you're on a bit of a winning streak.

You beat the Beekeepers last time round.

How does the team relax between games?

Well, given the massive range of cultural activities in Cardiff,

we obviously went to the Doctor Who Experience yesterday.

Of course there are other experiences available in Cardiff.

And I should know.

Smiths, you won the toss so you'll be going first.

This is a quarterfinal, so I think the winner goes to the semifinal,

although with our current structure, I'm really not sure. Good luck.

Which hieroglyph would you like?

-Two Reeds, please.

-Two Reeds, OK.

What is the connection between these clues?

Here's the first.

Um... OK, um...

Next.

They were hits in both of those years.

The cover version's by Tygers Of Pan Tang, Love Potion No 9.

I don't know who did Ode To Billie Joe.

-I don't know either of them.

-Next.

Convoy... Well, the Trucker Anthem.

That was McCall and Dave Lee Travis.

OK.

Were they cover versions?

-Um, no.

-Next.

Oh, it was the movie following the single.

BELL

Perfect.

The first date is for the record, hit single

and the second date is the movie based on it.

That's absolutely right.

They are songs that were adapted

into films - unusually.

What can you tell me

about some of those films?

Ode To Billie Joe was a hit for Bobbie Gentry in 1967

and a rather good film was made about it in '76.

That's absolutely right.

Convoy - what's that about?

-Trucking.

-Trucks.

It is. It's sort of CB radio,

Rubber Duck and so on.

Not that much happens in the song

but it turns into a film with a plot, anyway.

Yellow Submarine, of course, the Ringo Starr

and Love Potion No 9, the tale of

a gypsy's aphrodisiac elixir,

became a film with Sandra Bullock in 1992.

Well done.

Cosmopolitans, what would you like?

Er, Horned Viper, please.

OK, what is the connection

between these picture clues?

Here's the first.

It's Henry.

Um, next.

-Is that the Hay Wain?

-Yes.

Henry, Henry.

Hoover.

The Hay Wain.

Shall we have another one?

Yes, next.

-Is that Patricia Routledge?

-No.

I don't know, I have no idea who that is.

-OK.

-Um...

Let's go next.

Next.

That's the Khyber Pass.

-Oh...

-BELL

Carry On movies.

They are Carry On films.

What are we looking at?

-Er, Carry On Henry.

-Mm.

Carry On Constable.

Carry On Matron

and Carry On Up The Khyber.

Carry On Up The Khyber is such

-a great title.

-That's the best.

Why anyone ever puts anything else

into the hat for charades,

I don't know. Well spotted.

Smiths, what would you like?

Twisted Flax, please.

The Twisted Flax.

Well, it's the Music question.

You'll be hearing your clues.

What connects them?

Here's the first.

# Got myself just one more dime

# But will the operator hold the line

# When my ears keep telling me... #

Next.

# Jenny, Jenny, who can I turn to?

It sounds like Morrissey.

-Does it not?

-No.

# You give me something I can hold on to... #

-Is it Thin Lizzy?

-Could be.

Named after a cartoon character.

Next.

# If you need a little lovin'

# Call on me

# If you want a little... #

Next.

Two seconds.

BELL

Is the connection cartoon characters?

It is not.

So, Cosmopolitans, you have

the chance of a bonus point.

Telephones.

Telephones, that is it.

You look surprised.

Yes.

-Extremely.

-Purely on the first.

Purely on the first piece of music.

What was the first one?

No idea, but it had something about operators in it.

Oh, wow! That's...

-That's the level of analysis that we apply here.

-That's amazing.

Well, I'll tell you what you heard.

That was 5.7.0.5 by City Boy.

Next one was 867-5309 Jenny.

Next one was 634-5789,

Soulsville, USA. And you didn't recognise the last one?

No.

Pennsylvania 6-5000.

All telephone numbers.

Well guessed.

Any you may now choose a question.

Um, Lion, please.

Lion. What is the connection between these clues?

Here's the first.

I don't know.

Do we know who that is?

Next.

Next.

Oh!

BELL

They are countries and their capitals

with the first letters cut off.

That's absolutely right.

You didn't need to see Enya Airobi

in the last clue.

Kenya, Nairobi.

What are the countries and capitals?

-Mali and Bamako.

-Mmm.

-Greece and Athens.

-Mmm.

Belize and Belmopan.

And Kenya and Nairobi.

That's right. It's not people's names at all.

We've taken the first letters off countries and their capitals.

Well done.

Back to you, Smiths, for a choice.

-Water, please.

-Water.

OK, what connects these clues?

Here's the first.

Next.

Now, could this be to do with pop?

-Because there's a pop band called the Kaiser Chiefs.

-OK.

There's probably a band named after the guy that played The Joker on TV.

We should go for it?

Go for next?

-Your choice.

-I think we should go for it.

BELL

We think these are the names of pop bands.

I'm afraid that is not an acceptable answer.

So I'm going to show the next two clues to the Cosmopolitans

for a possible bonus point.

I think they're all words for Caesar, Kaiser, Tsar.

That's what it is.

It's to do with derivations from Caesar.

Yes, that second clue, the Johannesburg football club,

is called the Kaizer Chiefs. There is a pop band.

It's not spelt the same but they took their name from that.

The actor who played The Joker on TV, Cesar Romero, that's that one.

And, yes, I didn't know this, that

the word Tsar derives from Caesar.

And the villain in The Usual Suspects

is, of course, Keyser Soze.

All names derived from Caesar.

Well done for the bonus point and you will get the last question,

Eye Of Horus.

What is the connection between these clues?

Here's the first.

No, next.

Chatham, dockyards, mutinies? Perhaps.

We need to carry on.

Next.

Beaconsfield.

-Oh! They're...

-Lords.

-Yes.

-Lords of ex-prime ministers.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-BELL

Um, the titles taken by prime ministers

when they went to the House Of Lords.

I want to hear something specific.

-Earls.

-Earldoms. They are earldoms

assumed by prime ministers.

You didn't need to see Oxford and Asquith, 1925.

Who are the prime ministers?

I only know Beaconsfield is Disraeli.

That's right.

Do you know Dwyfor?

Do you want to have a guess?

Churchill or Lloyd George.

Lloyd George, yes.

A slightly more Welsh one, we'd be looking for there.

Chatham is William Pitt, the Elder.

-Right.

-And what about that last one?

-Do you know why it's Oxford and Asquith?

-No.

-What it is,

he wanted to be Earl Of Oxford.

There wasn't an Earl Of Oxford. That's what he asked for.

They were going to give it to him but the problem was

there was still a family -

the title Earl Of Oxford died out

a few generations before

because the chap had not had any male heirs and you can't give

that sort of thing to women.

Imagine what they'd do with it!

Seriously, imagine what they'd do with it.

So the family that were descended

from the original earl

said that they would be terribly offended and you couldn't do

that at all. So they let him be Oxford and Asquith.

That means, at the end of Round One,

the Smiths have one point,

the Cosmopolitans have seven.

On to Round Two, the Sequences round.

You'll be going first again, Smiths.

So please choose a hieroglyph.

-Two Reeds, please.

-OK.

BELL Oh...

It's a Music sequence. How lovely.

You're going to hear up to three pieces of music.

I want to know what sort of thing you'd expect to hear

in fourth place. Here's the first.

# Rock my world into the sunlight

# Make this dream the best I've ever known

# Dirty dancing in the moonlight... #

Next.

# I'm spinning around

# Move outta my way... #

Next.

# Cos when the sun sets, baby

# On the avenue

# I get that drunk sex feeling

# Yeah, when I'm with you

# So put your arms around me, baby

# We're tearing up the town

BELL

We think it might be a song by Rita Ora.

I'm afraid that's not the right answer.

So there's a bonus chance for you, Cosmopolitans.

Mm...

Something to do with card games.

Not it, either.

Why do you think it might be

something by Rita Ora?

What do you think you heard and what do you think the sequence is?

Don't know what the first one was.

The second is Kylie Minogue.

And the third was Jessie J.

We're thinking it might be successive judges from The Voice.

The first piece was Domino by Jessie J.

The second was Spinning Around by Kylie Minogue.

The third was How We Do by Rita Ora.

-Ah...

-It is successive female judges of The Voice.

We needed to hear something

by Paloma Faith.

Paloma Faith would be next.

I don't know any Paloma Faith songs. Do you?

-No.

-None at all.

According to my notes she's done a song, Do You Want The Truth

Or Something Beautiful?

I think we know which we prefer

on this show.

Does anybody know that one?

No, but she did absolutely murder,

um, I Vow To Thee My Country

for the Rugby World Cup.

That, I think, we can recreate.

One, two, three!

MARK SINGS BADLY

That's slightly better

than her version.

Lovely, lovely.

I think that's brought the performance alive.

Cosmopolitans, what would you like?

-Horned Viper, please.

-OK.

What would come fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

Castaway in Jamaica.

Next.

OK, so this is what happened to...

To who?

Um, Captain Cook?

No. Captain Cook, do you think?

-No.

-Oh! Captain Bligh, maybe.

-Maybe. Shall we go for next?

-Next.

Oh, built the city of... Really?

If it's Bligh, it's not going to be that one.

-No, it wasn't.

-It's not that.

-I wouldn't have thought so.

Three seconds.

Um, died in Hawaii.

And why do you say that?

Because it might have been things

that happened to Captain Cook.

I see.

And we're going from 4 to 1,

so you think the first thing

would be dying in Hawaii, and

subsequently these other adventures.

Not it, I'm afraid. Psmiths, you've

got a chance of a bonus point.

Is it 1, landed in Dominica in 1492?

Would be one of several

acceptable answers. And why?

Because it's events in the life of

Christopher Columbus.

Christopher Columbus is

the explorer we were looking for.

And these are his voyages

from 4 to 1 going backwards.

And something like landed

in the New World,

discovered America,

something that he did

on the first one in 1492.

Well done.

So you get the bonus, and what would

you like as a question?

-Water, please.

-Water.

What would be the fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

Next.

Are these famous gravestones, or something?

-Highgate Cemetery.

-Is it as simple as...?

We'll have another.

-We need another, don't we?

-Next.

Yeah, it's the first names going backwards...

Oh, yes, well done.

Also going backwards.

So we want I, K, Kant.

No, we need a...

We think Immanuel Kant.

That's a perfect answer. And why?

Cos the initials on both the

forenames and surnames are going

backwards one place in the

alphabet for each person.

That's absolutely right.

I, J, K, L, going backwards.

And then K, L, M, N going

backwards, are the names.

And they're all philosophers.

So to give me a philosopher with

those initials is a perfect answer.

Very well done.

-Back to you, Cosmopolitans, for a choice.

-Twisted Flax, please.

Twisted Flax, OK.

These are going to be picture clues.

What would you expect to come in the fourth picture? Here's the first.

OK.

Is it something to do with... Next.

It's a hyphen.

So what's...?

fourth?

Next.

OK. It's a rest.

Oh, it's different levels of rests.

You're the musician, you tell us.

Oh, it's the...

What's it called?

-Is it just a dot?

-It's the...

What's the fourth?

It's a four-bar rest.

A four-bar rest, yeah.

A four-bars rest.

Not the answer, I'm afraid. So, Psmiths,

you've got another bonus chance.

It's either a treble clef or

a bass clef. Which do we want?

Because that's the tenor clef.

Actually, I'm letting you chat

about it, because it's not the clef.

-All right.

-You were right to say that they're

musical rests, but they are

halving in duration each time,

so a quaver rest is what we want.

We've got a semibreve rest, and a

minim rest, a crotchet rest

and we want an eighth rest,

or a quaver, in the last clue.

Back to you, Psmiths, for a choice.

Lion, please.

Lion, OK, what will be the fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

Next.

Fourth going from the top to the bottom. Next.

Is it how many digits of text...?

Three seconds.

Is it 12 with a five underneath it?

It is not. So, Cosmopolitans,

your bonus chance now.

Is it 100 with a five below it?

It is not. I mean, it's sort of 100

although I would say one zero zero.

But then it's a two.

Unfortunately, you've got the five

in the first one.

We're going back towards a two.

One zero zero with a two.

It is the number four

represented in base.

Base five, base four,

base three, base two.

Yes, you were unlucky there

because you meant two, didn't you?

But I need to hear that.

One zero zero with a little two,

that is the number four

represented in base two.

Unlucky.

But you may have the last question

of the round. The Eye of Horus.

What will come fourth in this sequence? Here's the first.

Forty-niners.

Next.

-We need another one.

-Yeah. Um, next.

Oh, Padres is San Diego.

It's the teams going south.

-San Francisco...

-LA, San Diego.

What teams are we talking?

-Is it basketball?

-Padres is baseball.

-So it's number one...

-The LA...

-Padres is baseball?

So it's the LA, LA...

Ahhh!

No. Number one.

Los Angeles Dodgers.

Dodgers is the right answer

although we've actually got Lakers.

As you seemed to realise,

there are many possible answers.

We couldn't really decide the sport.

There are all sorts of ones.

Well, it's just general major league

sports. What is the sequence?

Yes, going south down the West Coast.

No, no, it's not. There's something

you haven't noticed.

They're getting bigger.

Yes, it's size of Californian cities.

So they are teams from

San Francisco, San Jose,

San Diego, so we need

a team from the largest city

which is Los Angeles,

so you knew it was Los Angeles for

a different reason.

And Lakers, Galaxy, Dodgers, Kings,

Clippers, Rams, I could go on.

I couldn't go on because

that's the list I've got and I don't

know any Los Angeles sports teams.

But the one you gave me

was one of them.

That means, at the end of Round Two,

the Psmiths have four points,

the Cosmopolitans have nine.

It's the Connecting Wall now, and, Cosmopolitans,

you'll be going first this time, so please choose Lion or Water.

-Lion.

-OK, two and a half minutes

to solve the Lion Wall, starting now.

Right, OK, so the Koh-i-Noor is a diamond.

-Culinan is a diamond.

-Hope.

And there might be a Taylor-Burton diamond.

-Oh, yes.

-There is, indeed.

-I would say Dingle and Sugden are in Emmerdale.

-Yes.

-Barton could be....

-Thomas Hudson is...

-OK, shall we just try some?

You've got your sleeves...

-That's bays, Hudson Bay. Botany Bay.

-Cardigan Bay...

-Guanabara Bay?

-Sounds possible. No.

-Dingle Bay?

Oh, there is Dingle Bay. Yes.

Cardigan and Botany. No.

Lucan, Raglan and Cardigan were in the Charge of the Light Brigade.

OK. Along with... Who knows?

Oh, they could be sleeves.

Raglan is a type of T-shirt. And so it's a kind of top.

-And so is Cardigan.

-Yes.

I don't know what the others are.

Right, so Dingle, Barton, Sugden and...

-I'm sure there's Emmerdale.

-Yeah, it has to be Emmerdale.

-We're jumping around a bit.

-Yeah, I'm just... Scarlett, Scarlett...

O'Hara.

-Could she...?

-So bays. Botany, Hudson.

-Cardigan.

-Cardigan.

-And Dingle.

-No, we tried that.

-Cardigan.

-Can we do that? No.

-So let's try...

-Ah!

-That's it.

-Three lives now.

-OK, three.

-So now we must have Emmerdale and jumpers or something.

-Yes.

So Scarlett could be, I think it's more likely to go with the...

You've solved it. Very well done.

What about the connections?

Tell me about the first group. Culinan, Taylor-Burton,

Hope, Koh-i-Noor.

They're diamonds. Famous diamonds.

Famous diamonds. That's right.

And the green group. Dingle, Hudson, Botany, Guanabara.

They're bays.

They're all bays.

And what about the next group, starting Scarlett?

They are people in the Charge of the Light Brigade,

in the Crimean War.

They are Crimean War commanders that were involved

in the Charge of the Light Brigade.

Yes, people might be wondering about Scarlett.

Sir James Yorke Scarlett was involved

in the battle that led to the charge.

And the last turquoise group, Barton, Sugden, Thomas, Sharma...

They might be families in Emmerdale.

They are families in the soap opera Emmerdale.

So that is the maximum of ten points. Very well done.

Let's bring in the Psmiths now, and give them the Water Wall.

See what they can do about solving it.

Two and a half minutes for you, too, of course, starting now.

-Sitcoms.

-Well done.

-Ellen?

-Ellen.

-Bread. Bread is a sitcom.

So let's omit Rhoda, was one of them.

OK, let's omit Taxi.

Let's omit Soap.

OK, um...

We'll try that combination.

-Flying squirrel. Flying fish. Flying saucer.

-Flying carpet.

-Flying...

-Uhuru is the Swahili word for freedom.

Kenyatta is the president of Kenya.

Robert Mugabe, Uhuru Kenyatta,

right, we are looking for African presidents.

Jacob Zuma.

Omar, probably, one of them.

Oh, Ellen Johnson Sirleaf.

-Yeah, but not.

-But not. Oh, God.

Also we've got Omar in.

Three lives now.

OK, so we've got Flying Squirrel, Flying Fish, Flying Saucer.

-Something else.

-No, we... Let's find the others.

What else have we got, then?

Maps.

Dieters or it could be Dieters if it's a German name.

Carpet... Fish.

-Oh, yeah, yeah.

-Something else. Flying Carpet, Fish, Squirrel...

-Don't go saucer, we tried that.

-No, let's try music.

Flying Saucer. Flying Fish.

30 seconds.

Flying maps?

No. OK, we've got a pattern there.

Saucer.

That's it. That's your three lives and the Wall has frozen.

But you found two groups. What about the connections?

Bread, Rhoda, Taxi, Soap.

-They are sitcoms.

-They are single-word sitcom titles.

And the green group, Robert, Omar, Ellen, Uhuru.

These are the first names of African premiers.

They are African Presidents' names.

And you can still get points for the connections

in the groups you didn't find.

So let's resolve the Wall.

Here we go, Squirrel, Jacob, Carpet, Saucer.

Are these flying things?

Yes, Flying Jacob is a Swedish casserole dish.

And the last group, starting music.

-Are they apps?

-They are not apps. There are apps involving them.

It's not Dieters. It's dieters.

Music, Dieters, Fish and Maps all have scales.

They all require scales of different kinds.

I can see you're amused.

But you do get two points for the groups that you found

and three for the connections, so that's a total of five.

Let's have a look at the overall scores.

The Psmiths have nine points, the Cosmopolitans have 19.

So one team is a little ahead,

but lots of points available in the Missing Vowels round.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

I can tell you that the first group are all...

Psmiths.

Correct.

Cosmopolitans.

Correct.

Psmiths.

Yes, it is.

Cosmopolitans.

Correct. Next category.

Cosmopolitans?

Correct.

Cosmos.

Yes.

Psmiths?

Correct.

Cosmopolitans?

Correct. Next category...

Psmiths.

Yes, it is.

Cosmopolitans.

Patriarchy.

Not it, Psmiths, do you know?

No? It's...

Next clue...

Cosmos.

Correct.

Psmiths.

Yes, it is.

Next category...

Cosmos.

Correct.

That last one was sales assistant,

but no time to tell me because the bell has gone

for the end of the quiz.

And I must say, Cosmos, I did enjoy you shouting "patriarchy"

in the middle of that round.

-Not the right answer, but very important.

-It was a protest.

When we do have an all women's team,

I think to shout patriarchy in the middle is only right and proper.

Looking at the final scores, I can tell you that the winners,

with 25 points and straight through to the semifinals

are the Cosmopolitans.

Very well done.

The overturning of the patriarchy begins here.

Having said that,

Psmiths, I'm delighted to report that you are NOT going home.

Under our new format, which probably makes sense to the sort of people

that were shouting, "It's one zero zero

"with a little two," from clue one,

the teams get to play two quarterfinals.

So you will have another chance

to make those semifinals a little bit later on.

Looking forward to seeing you again.

Please, join me next time, when,

in another interesting twist to the format,

we will play Only Connect to the death.

I don't know why we didn't do that for the Christmas Special,

but there it is.

Goodbye.