Meeples v Inquisitors Only Connect

It was the great Irish singer-songwriter

Ronan Keating who said, "You say it best when you say nothing at all."

A very romantic thing to say to a woman,

of course, but a terrible quiz strategy.

When Ronan came on the show, he scored zero.

Doubly frustrating when you realise

he secretly knew three of the connections on the Wall -

Dublin Landmarks, Ballads,

and Things That Are Like A Roller-coaster.

Hoping to fare better tonight are...

..on my right, Tom West -

a solicitor who received a football medal for coming on once

during the season and scoring an own goal.

Hugh Trimble, an English teacher

who once wore biking leathers

in an adaptation of Shakespeare.

And their captain, Gail Trimble,

a classics lecturer

who appears in a popular Latin educational DVD, playing a bear.

All fans of figurines,

they are the Meeples.

Now, in your Only Connect history,

you beat the Parishioners most recently.

How competitive are you feeling about tonight's game?

Very competitive.

It's like when you're playing a tile-based board game

and three of you are trying to finish the same city.

You will be competing against...

..on my left...

..Luke Kelly, a former holiday rep

who once won a packet of crisps

for singing karaoke in a Swedish shopping centre.

Rob Cumming, a Maths graduate

who runs, draws, paints, scuba-dives

and tends to his pet rabbit, Buster.

And their captain, Julia Hobbs.

A Modern Languages graduate who's frightened of crossing the road.

All in the quiz business,

they are the Inquisitors.

-You beat the Snake Charmers in your last game.

-Yes.

What do you think is the secret to Only Connect success?

Getting the Wall - which we've, so far, not managed to do!

What you tend to do is, you get two groups, usually...

-Yes.

-..and then struggle with the last two.

-Yes.

It seems to have followed us, so, this time...get the Wall!

Good luck!

We tossed a coin before the match.

Meeples, you won the toss

but you've elected to put the Inquisitors in first.

So, Julia, please choose a hieroglyph.

-Lion, please.

-Lion.

What is the connection between these apparently random clues?

Here's the first.

THEY CONFER

Next, please.

THEY CONFER

Next, please.

THEY CONFER

Oh, hang on! Ice hockey, field hockey.

Eton Fives, Rugby Fives, I think...

Next, please.

I think they're all versions of the same...

BELL

Go on, Luke.

-Oh.

-They can all...

-All versions of the...

All, like, hockey - both of them are a version of hockey.

Rugby League, Rugby Union.

Give me a nice, clean summary of your answer, please.

They are different versions of the same sport.

You knew it after...

-..only three clues, didn't you, Luke?

-Yeah.

They are all versions of the same sport.

What sports?

-Hockey.

-Hockey.

-Um...

-Fives.

-Fives.

-Mm-hm.

-English Carom?

-No.

-No? But that's the one you knew.

I, I know, but I think it's, like, it's some kind of bowling?

-It's billiards.

-Billiards.

-And the last one, rugby...

-Rugby.

-..of course.

-Yup.

-Well done, for one point.

Meeples, what would you like?

Twisted Flax, please.

Twisted Flax. What does the... CHIME

Ah! It's the music question!

What is the connection between these musical clues? Here's the first.

# So tell me where you from where you want to go

# But she walk past me like I ain't say a word... #

No idea. Next?

# It's how it started

# Just an example of how another brother can trample

# Ruin your life... #

I think it's Express Yourself.

-Express Yourself?

-Yeah. De La Soul. Think it's De La Soul.

Next, please.

# You have so many relationships in this life

# Only one or two will last

# You go through all the pain and strife, you turn your back... #

Next!

# Once there was this kid who... #

-That's Crash Test Dummies, isn't it?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

THEY CONFER BELL

They all contain the sound, "Mmm" as part of the title.

Yes, they do!

What did we hear?

-The last one was Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm by the Crash Test Dummies.

-Yes.

-The previous one was MMMBop by Hanson.

-Mm-hm.

And the others were not ones I know.

Things That Make You Go Hmmm...

C+C Music Factory, and Mmm Yeah - Austin Mahone featuring Pitbull.

You said that so beautifully.

So many of our contestants have terrible sinus problems.

Most of them would really struggle to give the answer to that,

so particularly well done.

The Hanson brothers...

..have a brewery based in Tulsa.

-What do you think that brewery is called?

-MMMHop?

I mean, it is called MMMHops!

Very well done, well guessed.

If we had bonuses,

you would get one for that.

Back to Inquisitors for a choice.

Eye of Horus, please.

The Eye of Horus.

What is the connection between these clues? Here's the first.

THEY CONFER

Next, please.

THEY CONFER

Next, please.

-Oh, God!

-What's her name, has she got a character name?

-She does.

Um...

THEY CONFER

Next, please.

THEY CONFER

Two seconds.

BELL

Oh, um...

..Hitchcock.

Is the right answer!

What do you recognise?

-Stuart Pearce's autobiography is called Psycho.

-Yes.

-November birthstone is Topaz.

-Yes, 1969 film set in the Cold War.

-Er...

Cutter of mouse tails, I can only think of as being The Farmer's Wife.

-The Farmer's Wife, one of Hitchcock's silent films.

-Oh! OK.

And Allison Williams in Girls, is she called Marnie by any chance?

-She is called Marnie.

-She is!

-Ah.

-There we are.

-The connection's Alfred Hitchcock. Well done.

-Phew!

Do you know, when Pearce signed for Nottingham Forest in 1985,

he was so nervous that his football career wouldn't pan out

that he advertised,

in the match day programme,

his services as an electrician?!

Those were the days, weren't they?

-Mind you, I'm not sure I'd want an electrician called Psycho!

-No!

-It's not really what you look to them for, is it?

-No.

Very well done. Back to you, Meeples, for a choice.

-Two Reeds, please.

-Two Reeds.

What is the connection between these clues? Here's the first.

THEY CONFER

Next?

Something used, like a video or a...

THEY CONFER

Next?

THEY CONFER

Next?

-Pigeons.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

BELL

Pigeons?

Is the right answer!

Which of these clues did you know about?

Um...to deliver mail, I suppose, is the most plausible! But...

Yeah, I don't really know about any of them, to be honest.

This first clue is from a long time ago - 18th-century Rothschilds,

they stayed ahead of the markets by sending pigeons across Europe

with information, and the...the, er...the legend is that they

knew the result of the Battle Of Waterloo before the government did.

Cos their pigeons came in so quickly.

The second clue is a great story.

There was a company called Unlimited, wanted to demonstrate

how bad the internet speeds were in South Africa.

So they sent a pigeon 60 miles with a data stick,

and by the time it arrived,

only 4% of the data had arrived over the internet!

The pigeon was faster.

And the third one is to do with the Allies on D-Day.

All connected by pigeons! Well done.

-Inquisitors, what would you like?

-Horned Viper, please.

-Horned Viper.

What is the connection between these clues? Here's the first.

THEY CONFER

Next, please.

THEY CONFER

Oh! Oh, oh, oh! Is it, um...

..university, polytechnics that have become universities?

-Ooh, yeah!

-That's a university name, I think.

-That sounds good!

-Yeah.

-BELL

-OK.

My esteemed colleague...

..thinks that these are all polytechnics

that have become universities.

It is the name change that happened

when polytechnics became universities!

-Very well done!

-Well done.

-Very good.

-There are all the clues.

What did Anglia Polytechnic change its name to?

Is that Anglia Ruskin University?

It is now!

Initially, it was Anglia Polytechnic University.

Bit resistant to change. They are now Anglia Ruskin University.

So there are signs up in Cambridge that say,

-"Cambridge - Home to Anglia Ruskin University."

-Yeah.

Very well done, for three points.

One question remains, the Water question, for you, Meeples.

I expect there'll be picture clues.

Something connects them. What is it?

Your time starts now.

THEY CONFER

Next?

THEY CONFER

Next?

-Two Fat Ladies, so it is, it's 88, it's all 88.

-Yeah.

-I don't know the first one, but shall we go for it?

-OK, yeah.

BELL

88.

88 is the right answer.

Didn't need to see the fourth clue.

What's that fourth clue?

-That is the DeLorean in Back To The Future.

-It's the DeLorean.

-The greatest film ever made.

-It IS the greatest film ever made!

-It is.

-Yeah.

-And why would that be a clue?

Er, because that's how fast you have to go to...go back,

forward, in time, if you have the right energy source.

88mph!

88mph, although the website Popular Mechanics calculated

that that DeLorean could not have achieved the speed of 88mph

in that parking lot.

You've got to pass the time somehow, haven't you, waiting for the grave?

They calculated that.

And what are the other clues?

-Two Fat Ladies.

-Mm-hm.

-So that's 88 in bingo calling.

-That's right.

-A piano, which has 88 keys.

-That's right.

And something to do with the constellations.

-Are there 88 constellations?

-There are 88.

That's absolutely right.

Do you know the full name of that great woman,

Clarissa Dickson Wright from the Two Fat Ladies?

Her full name was Clarissa Theresa Philomena Aileen Mary

Josephine Agnes Elsie Trilby Louise Esmeralda Dickson Wright!

And they changed their name

to the same thing university!

The available options.

People have no imagination these days.

Very well done.

That means, at the end of Round One,

the Meeples have four points,

the Inquisitors have five.

Sequences Round now, and, Inquisitors,

you'll be going first again.

-Which hieroglyph would you like?

-Lion, please.

OK. You're about to see the first in a sequence.

I want to know what might come fourth. Your time starts now.

THEY CONFER

Next, please.

THEY CONFER

Next, please.

No, it's first, Mexico.

-BELL

-First - Mexico.

Is the right answer!

-And why?

-Oh, it's Spanish-speaking populations.

Spanish-speaking populations by size, that's right.

There are 46 million people in Spain, 48 million in Colombia,

52 million in the USA -

41 million native speakers and 11.6 million bilingual

speakers. And how many, do you think, in Mexico?

No, it's over 100 million, I think.

-121 million Spanish speakers in Mexico.

-Wow! God.

-Didn't you used to live in Spain, Luke?

-I did.

How good is your spoken Spanish?

It's pretty fluent.

-Can you say...

-Uh-oh!

"This quiz is more difficult than I expected,

"but the host is younger and more attractive"?

Este concurso es mas dificil de lo que habia imaginado,

pero la presentadora es mucho mas guapa de lo que imaginaba tambien.

That's nice! Why can't that be the trailer?!

Why can't it be the trailer?

Absolutely lovely!

Meeples, what would you like?

-Two Reeds, please.

-The Two Reeds.

What will come fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

THEY CONFER

Next?

THEY CONFER

-BELL

-LHR.

Is the right answer. And why's that?

They're airports in the UK,

abbreviations, going up to the one with the most flights, busiest.

-Airports in London.

-London.

-London.

London airports by size, and the code for London Heathrow, LHR.

Well done. Didn't you used to live in Luton Airport, Hugh?

No!

I was just trying to balance out the anecdotes!

Very well done. A friend of mine who's very frightened of flying,

even more frightened than me,

once went and spent the weekend in Gatwick Airport.

Because he thought, "You could spend the weekend there."

If you went to sleep on a chair -

people often have to when their flights are delayed.

You can shop in the shops

and eat in the places,

and you'd be so happy that you didn't have to get on a plane

you'd have a much better time than if you actually flew anywhere!

Inquisitors, back to you for a choice.

Twisted Flax, please.

The Twisted Flax.

These are going to be picture clues.

What would come fourth of these pictures? Here's the first.

THEY CONFER

Next, please.

THEY CONFER

Next, please.

THEY CONFER

BELL

A picture of somebody skydiving?

Not the answer, I'm afraid.

Meeples, you've got the chance of a bonus point.

Is it a parachute with three ropes?

Somebody parachuting with three ropes.

You don't know what these people are doing?

You're my kind of people.

I don't really approve of this sort of thing. They're base jumping.

And the pictures denote building, antenna, span,

I want something that represents Earth!

-Earth. Different parts of base jumping.

-Hmm.

What do you think the fatality rate was for base jumping in 2002?

20%.

There was one fatality per 60 participants.

Not quite 20%. Pretty awful.

Although, here's a good triv fact,

what job has a fatality rate of one in 11?

American presidents.

So, no points there, but for the right reasons, I think.

Meeples, what would you like?

-Water, please.

-Yes.

The Water question. What will come fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

It's a large amount of time. It's going to...

Next?

THEY CONFER

BELL

Djibouti.

-And why would that be?

-It has a silent D...

-..at the beginning of it.

-Something with a silent D.

We went with Rembrandt.

Very well calculated.

What's going on in this sequence?

The first one has a silent A at the beginning, cos it's aeon.

-Mm-hm.

-And the second one has a silent B.

-Mm-hm.

So yeah, silent C, silent D - alphabetical order.

Exactly right. I've been given a list of possible acceptable answers.

Let me run these by you.

Handsome, sandwich, fridge, knowledge...

Sometimes I think the people that work on this show can't even speak!

Edge, bridge - you can hear the Ds in all of these!

Djibouti, however, I will accept. Very well done.

-Inquisitors, what will it be?

-Eye of Horus, please.

-Eye of Horus.

What would come fourth in this sequence? Here's the first.

THEY CONFER

Next, please.

THEY CONFER

Next, please.

Oh! Um, so what's next? Is it... Is it...?

It's going backwards.

Carrington.

-BELL

-OK, yeah, go on.

-Carrington.

Is the right answer.

And why is it the right answer?

They are the surnames of the character

played by Joan Collins in Dynasty, going backwards.

So she was Carrington, Colby, Dexter. Rowan.

Alexis Carrington, Colby, Dexter, Rowan.

They are not Archbishops of Canterbury...

..as I heard you consider early on!

I don't think that was on the list.

The husbands of Alexis in Dynasty.

Yes, she came into the series, originally,

as Blake Carrington's terrifying yet beautiful ex-wife.

She was Alexis Carrington.

Then she married his great rival, Cecil Colby.

Under what circumstances?

Where did that wedding take place?

-He was on his deathbed, I believe.

-And why was he there?

I...can't quite remember. Had somebody shot him?

An evening with Alexis had proved a little bit too exciting...

-Ah, yes! That's right.

-..for Cecil Colby's...

-Right, yes.

-..poor heart.

-Yes.

-He ended up in hospital, where she quickly married him.

Then it was Dex Dexter, then the evil Sean Rowan.

-What happened to Sean Rowan?

-Ooh, I don't know.

I'd stopped watching by then.

Do you know what happened to him?

-I haven't a clue!

-Literally, it's all just noise, isn't it?

He was killed by Dex Dexter, the previous husband.

After he tried to kill Alexis, Dex stepped in.

I'm in my comfort zone now!

Very well done.

Meeples, one question remains,

the Horned Viper.

What would come fourth in this sequence? Here's the first.

Next?

THEY CONFER

Next?

THEY CONFER

BELL

-Die.

-That's not very nice!

-Sorry.

But it is the right answer! And why?

"Bye-bye, Miss American Pie, drove my Chevy to the levee

"but the levee was dry, them good old..."

Let me stop you there!

We had some beautiful singing from you in an earlier game.

Why would you be speaking this answer when you could be singing it?

Come on!

WHOLE TEAM: # Bye-bye, Miss American Pie

# Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry

# Them good old boys were drinking whisky and rye

# Singing this'll be the day that I die. #

Very good.

Absolutely magnificent, Don McLean's classic 1971 song, American Pie.

Beautiful!

And that means, at the end of Round Two,

the Inquisitors have nine points.

The Meeples have 12.

And of course we now reach the Connecting Wall,

the 16 jumbled-up clues that must be sorted into four groups of four.

You'll be going first this time, Meeples,

so would you like Lion or Water?

-Lion, please.

-OK, you have two and a half minutes

to solve the Lion Wall, starting now.

There are some, like Kent port-type places. Battle is one.

Yeah, you've got Importance of Being Earnest characters in there.

Those vestments, let me do the vestments.

-Yeah. Surplice, Maniple.

-Yes.

-Good.

-Well done.

-OK. The Importance of Being Earnest.

Worthing, Fairfax, Prism and Chasuble. And Hastings.

No, not Hastings.

-So...

-Three lives now.

-Plenty of time.

-OK. So, towns in Sussex.

-Of Britain.

Tour of Britain, Battle of Britain, Festival of Britain, Brain

-of Britain.

-Well done.

-And then it leaves...

Worth, Gatwick, Hastings, Hailsham are all in Sussex.

I'm pretty sure they're all in Sussex.

-What about are they all in...

-Well, they're not... Or it could be...

I was going to say Kent, but Gatwick is definitely in Sussex, isn't it?

OK, good, so Battle of Britain, Tour of Britain, is it?

-Yeah, yeah.

-OK!

What? It's easy, just press it! It's finished, just solve it, quickly!

Very well done.

That's four points immediately for the groups -

and let's go through the connections,

starting with the blue group, Maniple.

-They are all priestly vestments.

-They are ecclesiastical garments.

And the second group, starting Chasuble?

These are surnames of characters in The Importance of Being Earnest.

That's exactly right and Chasuble, of course,

is the red herring for the vestments group.

Let's move on to the next group, Battle, Tour, Festival, Brain.

-They can all be followed by "of Britain".

-Followed by "of Britain".

-And Gatwick, Hastings, Worth, Hailsham.

-All places in Sussex.

They're all places in Sussex.

As I mentioned earlier, Gatwick, lovely place to go for the weekend.

-Of course!

-So, that is four points for the groups you found,

four more points for the connections,

a bonus of two for getting it all right.

That is the maximum of ten. Very well done.

Let's bring in their opponents now, the Inquisitors -

give them the other wall, the Water Wall,

see what they can do about solving it.

You have two and a half minutes

to solve the Water Wall, starting now.

Nanki-Poo, Peep-Bo, Koko and Yum Yum. Yum Yum, Nanki-Poo.

-Peep-Bo?

-I think so. Koko? No.

-Pish-Tush?

Pish-Tush, Peep-Bo?

OK, I tell you what, I think we can great rid of Yum Yum, it's a cake.

-So is a Berliner.

-Oh, OK, yeah, doughnuts.

-Yeah, doughnuts, yeah.

-Pattycake?

-Let's give it a go.

-Gravy ring?

-No.

What about Pish-Tush?

Berliner. Munchkin.

Yum Yum, Pish-Tush.

Berliner.

Gorillas.

-Harambe, Guy...

-Koko?

-Yeah.

-Katisha sounds like a very...

-No.

Or Xoyo, whatever that is. Oh, that could be another weird cake.

What have we not had for The Mikado?

Heaven and Fabric.

Heaven, Fabric, Koko.

-Xoyo? Is that one?

-Could be. Yes.

So we've got...

-Guy the gorilla.

-Katisha sounds like it could be.

-Katisha, Harambe...

We've done that.

Munchkin. No.

-Yum Yum.

-No, Yum Yum, I think, is still with the cakes...

Gravy ring must be a cake,

cos it's not going to be a name or in The Mikado.

-So what else have we got...

-Guy, Harambe...

-Katisha?

Could Yum Yum be a gorilla?

-Give it a go.

-No.

-Try Gravy ring, Yum Yum, Berliner...

-Cool.

-Three lives, now.

-Guy.

-Harambe.

Yeah, and then... Nanki-Poo. That's the group.

Pattycake. So we've got Pish-Tush, Peep-Bo, Katisha, Nanki-Poo?

-Katisha doesn't sound very...

-Try Pattycake.

Not Pattycake, that's from The Mikado.

-Gorillas. Not got that much time.

-Let's try Katisha.

That's it. You solved the Wall!

-Had to happen eventually, very well done.

-Hooray.

What about points for the connections?

Tell me about the first group,

-Heaven, Xoyo or X-O-Y-O, Fabric, Cargo.

-They're all night clubs.

-They are night clubs in London.

-Yeah.

What about the green group?

Munchkin, Gravy ring, Berliner, Yum Yum.

-They're all types of cake, more specifically doughnuts?

-They are.

The Gravy ring is a Northern Irish ring doughnut,

it's the sense of gravy as grease or fat. Not gravy as we know it.

All types of dough-based food.

And what about the next group? Koko, Pattycake, Harambe, Guy.

-They're all famous gorillas.

-Famous gorillas. Absolutely right.

And the turquoise group, Peep-Bo, Katisha, Nanki-Poo, Pish-Tush?

They're characters from The Mikado.

They certainly are - so that is four more points for the connections

and a bonus of two, so that's a maximum of ten points.

Let's have a look at the overall scores.

The Inquisitors have 19 points, the Meeples have 22.

We are going to play the missing vowels round. Very close scores.

This will determine who goes and who stays.

I like both these teams tremendously, so good luck everyone.

Fingers on buzzers. The first group are all forms of punishment.

Meeples.

-Sorry.

-Too long. Inquisitors, do you know?

-Hundred Lions?

-I'm afraid Hundred Lions is not right. Next clue.

Meeples.

-Life imprisonment.

-Correct.

Inquisitors.

-Naughty step.

-Correct.

Meeples.

-Community service.

-Correct.

Next category. Real people added to phrases.

Inquisitors.

-Don't beat around the Kate Bush.

-Correct.

Inquisitors.

-Kill two birds with one Sharon Stone.

-Well done.

Inquisitors.

-Once in a blue Keith Moon.

-Yes, it is.

Inquisitors.

-Water under the Wayne Bridge.

-Correct.

Next category. Financial terms that are usually abbreviated.

Inquisitors.

-Value added tax.

-Or VAT.

Meeples.

-Individual savings account.

-Or ISA.

Inquisitors.

-International Monetary Fund.

-The IMF.

Inquisitors.

-Gross domestic product.

-Or GDP.

No more questions, no more clues.

The bell has gone, it's the end of the quiz -

and the winners, with 27 points

-and through to the next round are the Inquisitors.

-Oh, God!

Very well done.

A great round for Meeples.

What a brilliant team you've been,

so musical, so brilliant -

but just out-buzzed on those missing vowels. Unlucky.

I'm afraid we have to say goodbye. And that's it.

That is the end of the show. We are all off to the bar,

where this faux ambience of bonhomie we maintain for the cameras

will give way to an icy atmosphere of base, naked vindictiveness.

Goodbye.