Detectives v Escapologists Only Connect

Good evening, and apologies if you've tuned in hoping to see

the exciting final moments of the European Masters golf,

live from The Belfry.

You can turn over to BBC Four,

although it's not showing there either.

Budget cuts mean the BBC can't really afford golf any more,

and also, the European Masters golf isn't on at the moment.

How could it be? I made it up.

If you've tuned in expecting to see the exciting final moments of

the European Masters golf live from The Belfry

then I'm afraid you're living with a very slender grasp of

what actually happens in the real world.

So, stay and watch the show - you'll be in good company.

Quizzing tonight on my right, Ian King, a fund manager who once

told Bill Murray he looked just like Bill Murray.

Tim Harrison, a communications consultant who was

photographed as a fashion model for the Observer magazine.

And their captain, Tim Hall,

a classics graduate who fell asleep in the throne room of

the British Embassy in Paris

and was politely ejected the following morning.

United by a soft spot for sleuths, they are the Detectives.

On the Only Connect road, you beat the Theatricals

and the Arrowheads, that's how you've come to be here.

What have you been up to since we saw you last?

We had a thorough and comprehensive debrief and analysed our

performance, by which I mean we went out to dinner and did a pub quiz.

Lovely.

Tonight you are facing, on my left,

Frank Paul,

an artist and pub quiz host who dreamt last night that he'd

devised a set of Hungarian cryptic crossword clues.

Tom Rowell, a teaching assistant who shared an awkward supper with

an actor from Coronation Street.

And their captain, Lydia Mizon, an American studies graduate who

enjoys listening to the shipping forecast.

United by a love of locked rooms, they are the Escapologists.

Now, you've had a slightly longer journey

because you lost your opening heat to the Eco Warriors,

but you came back in the lucky losers round

and you beat the Cricketers and the Dandies.

How competitive are you feeling tonight?

-Increasingly, as the series goes on.

-Excellent.

Well, you didn't win the toss, I'm afraid,

that went to you, Detectives,

so you'll be going first.

Please choose an Egyptian hieroglyph.

-Twisted Flax, please.

-The Twisted Flax.

What is the connection between these apparently random clues?

Here's the first.

THEY CONFER

Next, please.

People who have moved across the city to play for both sides?

-Could be, yeah.

-I would go for that.

-Shall we try one more to be safe?

-Go on, then.

-Next, please.

Yeah, cos he played for Everton.

It's footballers who've played for cross-town rivals.

Very well done. Who do you think we would have had in fourth place?

-Denis Law.

-Denis Law is what we had, for Manchester.

Yes, which teams did these players play for?

Denis Law played for City and United,

Beardsley for Liverpool and Everton,

Zlatan for AC Milan and Inter,

and Alfie Conn presumably Rangers and Celtic.

That's right, they all played for both of their city's leading teams.

-Escapologists, what would you like?

-Two Reeds, please.

-Two Reeds.

You're going to be seeing picture clues.

Something connects them - what is it?

The first one coming in now.

-Tortillas, aren't they?

-Tortillas? Or poppadums?

-They might be poppadums, actually, the surroundings look Indian.

-Next.

That's Tori Spelling.

Is it? OK.

Her autobiography's called Stori Telling, I think.

-That's great, that's a good fact.

-They both start with TOR, I guess.

-OK. Shall we see the next one?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, go on.

-Next.

That's a string trio. OK.

Does it mean something? Tortilla and...

Next.

That's a riot.

Two seconds.

-They're anagrams, Tori and riot.

-Oh, yeah, they're all...

-Trio.

-They're anagrams of each other.

-They're anagrams of each other.

You recognised Tori, trio and riot,

so what do you think is in the first clue?

-The first one is roti, I think.

-Roti, Indian flatbread.

-Good Tori Spelling knowledge, by the way.

-Yeah.

-Thank you.

Is it you, Frank, you said her autobiography is Stori Telling?

I think it's called Stori Telling.

It's certainly some pun on her name, I think it's Stori Telling.

-You haven't read it?

-No, I have not.

-I'd really like to.

I definitely will be reading it now.

Very well done, they're all anagrams of each other.

Back to you, Detectives, for a choice.

-Can we have Eye of Horus, please?

-You certainly can.

-JINGLE PLAYS

-Oh, brilliant.

-Do you still want it?

-No!

It's the music question, you'll be hearing your clues.

What do they have in common? Here's the first.

MEN SING OPERATICALLY

-Is that Bread Of Heaven?

-No, it's not Bread Of Heaven.

THEY CONFER

Next, please.

# The old hometown is the same

# As I step down from the train... #

Next, please.

MALE VOICES SING GRIMLY

-I've never...

-I've heard it.

Don't know.

-Go on, next.

-Next, please.

# When I was just a baby

# My mama told me, son

# Always be a good boy

# Don't ever play with a gun... #

Two seconds.

Are they about prisons?

Is it to do with prisons?

It's to do with prisons, that's absolutely right.

You knew that, Tim - what songs did you recognise?

-Folsom Prison Blues...

-Mm-hmm.

-..and that was it.

-Really?

The Green, Green Grass Of Home.

The Green, Green Grass Of Home, that's right.

It's a man coming back from prison.

Well, he isn't really. He's in prison.

These songs are all sung, in theory, by prisoners who are still

in prison, so he's dreaming about going home, seeing his sweetheart.

-Did you recognise any of the others?

-No.

The third one sounded like it might have been from a musical.

Yes, from Les Miserables, Look Down,

it's sung by prisoners at the start of that.

-And the Prisoners' Chorus, that's from Fidelio.

-All right.

All songs in prisons. Well done.

-Escapologists, what would you like?

-Water, please.

-Water, OK.

What is the connection between these clues? Here's the first.

Random lists of words, OK. Next.

Names and faces.

To do with memory? Or...

Yeah, I mean, there are sort of conditions where you can't

-remember, but I don't know...

-Next.

Abstract images.

Random lists of words, names and faces, abstract images.

They're not tests, cos abstract images,

you've to use them to test...

-Shall we do next?

-Yeah, I think so.

-Next.

You have to pick one out from... I don't know why.

Two seconds.

Are they...

..tests where you have to pick one? That's really bad.

They are not tests where you have to pick one.

There's a bonus chance for you, Detectives.

We're thinking, are they things that people

have to do in the World Memory Championships?

That's exactly what it is. And you were very close

because you said there are conditions where people can't

remember things - there are also

conditions where people can remember

things, and great memory people

in the World Memory Championships,

they demonstrate these things.

I mean, names and faces,

God help us, I can do about three.

So, well done, you get the bonus, and you get a choice.

-Lion, please.

-Lion, OK.

What's the connection? Here's the first clue.

THEY CONFER

Next, please.

Something to do with theatre?

Possibly. Next, please.

That's Mexican music, so it's...

Are they things that are not from

the country which they're supposed to...?

Shall me get one more?

Next, please.

THEY CONFER

Two seconds.

Things which are associated with a country

from which they didn't originate.

Very nice idea. Completely wrong.

A bonus chance for you, Escapologists.

-We think they are trilogies.

-They are trilogies.

-What did you recognise?

-The Edgar Wright Cornetto trilogy.

Each of their three films - Shaun Of The Dead, Hot Fuzz

and The World's End - has a moment where a character buys a Cornetto.

Red Curtain, do you know what that is?

-It's Baz Luhrmann, isn't it?

-That's right.

Mariachi, that's Robert Rodriguez, and his style of film-making,

he said the essence of it

is that creativity, not money,

is used to address the problem.

Very much like the BBC in that respect.

And Three Colours, you don't know that one?

That's red, white and blue, the French-Polish...

That's right, Krzysztof Kieslowski, and, yes, it's the colours

of the French flag, is what that trilogy title is all about.

So, well done, you get the bonus

and you get the last question of the round, the Horned Viper.

What is the connection between these clues? Here's the first.

Next.

Duke of Grafton was Prime Minister, but I don't know who Villiers was.

Yeah, they might be their mothers or something, maybe.

I mean, that's too easy. Next.

OK!

The Duke of Monmouth was a Prime Minister, wasn't he?

-Maybe.

-Shall we get the last one?

-Yeah, I think we probably...

What are we going to say the last one...?

-Is it going to be any different? Go ahead.

-Next.

-Nell Gwynne was... Was she the mistress or something?

-Two seconds.

Are these the...

..illegitimate children of... The bottom ones are the illegitimate

children of the ones at the top?

I need to hear one more thing.

Their fathers were monarchs?

Kings? Royals? Royals! Royals!

I'm going to give it to you, for goodness' sake.

Nobody can go out in this match, I will give it to you.

-Specifically, the king...

-Charles II.

-Charles II, yes.

These people are the illegitimate children of kings, or rather

specifically one king, Charles II,

and their mother is the mistress at the top.

Nell Gwynne, you surely know, is the mistress of Charles II.

Yeah, that's how we got the mistress bit. That's the only thing we knew.

Yes, she was a great rival of Louise de Kerouaille,

but Louise de Kerouaille was Catholic and there's a story that

when an angry mob were hurling things at her carriage, Nell Gwynne

shouted out of the window, "Good people, I'm the PROTESTANT whore."

All mistresses and illegitimate children of royalty,

specifically King Charles II.

That means, at the end of Round 1,

the Escapologists have three points, the Detectives have four.

Sequences now, one thing following another,

like children after you meet King Charles II.

Detectives, you'll be going first again.

-Which question would you like?

-Can we have Two Reeds, please?

I don't see why not.

You'll be seeing the first in a sequence of picture clues.

What sort of thing do you expect to see in the fourth picture?

Your time starts now.

THEY CONFER

Next.

That's Alan Bennett.

THEY CONFER

Next, please.

THEY CONFER

Two seconds.

No, that's it, the time's run out.

Escapologists, do you want to have a go for a bonus?

A picture of Scott Mills.

It is absolutely a picture of Scott Mills. And why is that?

They are the Tracy brothers from Thunderbirds in age order.

-Thunderbird order.

-Oh, in Thunderbird order.

It is those pilots. I don't know if it's age order.

The Thunderbird pilots, four, three, two, one.

Gordon - that's Gordon Brown, Alan - Alan Bennett,

and of course Virgil - it's The Aeneid in the background

there of the statue, and we want to hear Scott. Very well done.

-You get the bonus and your chance to choose.

-Water, please.

-Water, OK.

What will come fourth in this sequence? Here's the first.

THEY CONFER

Next.

They might be the most common names in Spain,

or Spanish-speaking countries.

But I can't remember what the most common one is.

-Shall we go next?

-Hernandez is common but...

-Next.

-I think you might be right.

-Might be Hernandez.

Shall we try that? I mean...

-I have seen Hernandez as one of the most common.

-Yeah, go for it.

Why not? I don't know.

-Hernandez.

-No, it isn't.

-Oh, sorry.

-Would you like to have a go for a bonus?

-Is it Garcia?

-Yes, it is.

I'm slightly disappointed, cos what I hoped to do was go backwards

and forwards, shouting Spanish names until somebody got the right one.

You knew the sequence, which is he four most common

Spanish surnames in Spain, and the most common, Garcia.

Very well done, you get the bonus that time,

and what would you like for a question?

-Can we have Twisted Flax, please?

-Yes, you can.

What will come fourth in this sequence? Here's the first.

THEY CONFER

Next, please.

THEY CONFER

Next, please.

THEY CONFER

Two seconds.

One, Stansted.

-And why would that be?

-Because it's an airport.

Well, I will accept one, Stansted

because it's an acceptable answer, though you haven't got the sequence.

-I'd have preferred one, Cardiff.

-Obviously.

But Stansted is an acceptable answer. Do you know why?

We think it might be the number of runways.

-It's not.

-Oh.

It's the number of terminals.

Now, this is very mean because you may have flown from Terminal 5 -

that's one of four terminals. Terminal 1 closed in 2015.

Now they have only two, three, four, five,

so there are four terminals at Heathrow, three at Manchester,

two at Gatwick, and I wanted to hear somewhere that has

one terminal - lovely Cardiff - but you wouldn't know that

because why would anyone want to leave Cardiff?

Why would you go to the airport, even?

You'd simply stay for as long as you could.

But you get the point.

-Escapologists, what would you like?

-Lion, please.

-Lion.

What would come fourth in this sequence? Here's the first.

OK!

Next.

Oh, the year.

-Oh, yeah.

-"Sex began in 1963", or something,

-"which was very late for me", from the poem.

-OK.

-Isn't it?

-It may well be.

-So was it '64, the marriage of Burton and Taylor?

-Oh, I don't know.

-Shall we see next?

-So it would be '66.

Shall we do that?

Yeah, go for it.

England winning the World Cup.

Is an acceptable answer.

We went with Harold Wilson winning a general election. And why is that?

Something happening in '63, '64, '65, '66 -

the poem "sex began in '63 (which was really very late for me)"

-or something.

-That's right, Larkin.

"Sexual intercourse began in 1963 (which was rather late for me)

"Between the end of the Chatterley ban

"And the Beatles' first LP."

And the first marriage of Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor, '64,

then we're going '65,

and something that happened in 1966,

Harold Wilson wins a snap election, or England winning the football.

Well done.

-Back to you, Detectives, what would you like?

-Horned Viper, please.

The Horned Viper. What will come fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

Next.

Next.

THEY CONFER

Two seconds.

41 = 17.

I'm afraid that's not a sequence.

-Escapologists, do you want to have a go?

-Nominate Tom.

It's 41 = 1.

-No, it's not.

-No, it's 41 = 4.

-Yes, it is that,

but unfortunately the first answer you gave was 41 = 1.

What is the sequence?

It's the first number to the power of the next number equals

the answer, which I should have got because I'm a maths teacher

and I didn't get it.

That's absolutely right.

It's not about the whole number, it's about the two numbers.

So you'll see the first number in each case, it goes 1, 2, 3,

the second number goes 4, 3, 2,

so you want 4 and 1, and then it's powers.

We've left off the power symbol and the superscript,

so 1 to the power of 4 is 1, 2 to the power of 3 is 8,

3 to the power of 2 is 9 - we want to hear 4 to the power of 1 is 4.

Now, were you thinking...?

I'm sure your students would want me to grill you on this.

Were you thinking 4 to the power of 1 is 1?

-Or were you doing a different calculation?

-No, I was thinking...

I was thinking, "Is it 1 or is it 4?"

I can't remember, I always forget that one.

And what is the age of your pupils?

They're all GCSE age.

Oh, that's fine, they can do it by themselves.

By then they don't even need advice.

You may have the last question of the round, the Eye of Horus.

What would come fourth in this sequence? Here's the first.

Next.

Federal Executive Board. Is this to do with abbreviations, acronyms?

THEY CONFER

Next.

Memory Address Register?

They're not, cos... No, no, they're...

I was thinking RAM is read-only memory,

but that's nothing to do with it.

-Oh, it's JAN, FEB, MAR...

-It could be FedEx, but no, that's...

-I know what it is.

-OK. Oh, yes, of course.

Automatic Plate Recognition.

Well, everybody is very familiar with that phrase.

I mean, a slightly more common one is Annual Percentage Rate.

-That one, yes.

-And why is this? What's the sequence?

They are acronyms that spell out the months, so Jan, Feb, Mar, Apr.

That's exactly it, you can

abbreviate Joint Army-Navy to Jan,

and if you look downwards on the other clues, Feb, Mar,

and we want something that will go Apr for April.

Well done.

That means, at the end of Round 2,

the Detectives have seven points,

the Escapologists have nine.

Onwards to the Connecting Wall, and, Escapologists,

you'll be the first to try scaling it. Would you like Lion or Water?

-Water, please.

-The Water Wall.

You have two and a half minutes to solve it, starting now.

OK, so it's P Diddy.

-Kip Thorne is a physicist, but...

-OK.

-OK, so chicken...

-If it's Parky, it's cold.

-Oh, yeah.

-Biting is cold.

-Yeah.

-OK, what else is chicken?

-BUZZER

BUZZER

BUZZER

BUZZER

BUZZER

-You can have also skip, sparky.

-Yeah.

What else is cold?

BUZZER

Try chicken again.

What else have we got?

There could be.

Gambo, Frango, I don't know.

BUZZER

Seems a bit chickeny.

-It does, doesn't it?

-BUZZER

OK, so we've got...

OK. Oh, yeah, Diddy, Grimmy...

Oh, that's no good at all. Parky...

Yeah, the one ending in O, Gambaccini.

Gambaccini, yeah, maybe.

-He's a DJ, isn't he?

-Parky.

-He's not really, is he?

-No, not really.

OK, we need to get some thoughts.

Oh, no.

Maybe Kip is a DJ, I don't know.

OK, let's move on from DJs.

So we've got words for cold.

Frango...

-What is that?

-I've no idea.

OK, don't panic. What about Dinner?

Dinner plate, chicken Dinner.

Dinner guest.

30 seconds.

Chris Huhne, but it's not spelt like that.

-Have we got Apollo?

-Apollo, yeah.

It could be gods with one letter taken off but...

Ten seconds.

BUZZER

-Balso Snell in the Nathaniel West novel.

-OK.

-But I don't know...

BUZZER

-That's it, the time's up.

-Oh, no!

-What a horrible wall.

The difficulty does go up at the quarterfinals. A nasty thing indeed.

Let's have a look at how it should have been.

There we go. Can you give me points for the connections?

Huhn, Kip, Poulet, Frango.

-Chicken.

-That is chicken, yes.

Kip is chicken in Dutch, Huhn in German,

Frango is apparently chicken in Portuguese.

Green - Grimmy, Copping, Dinner, Pollo.

You can remove one of the double letters to make a new word.

Yes, you can - grimy, coping, diner, polo.

Well spotted at this point.

And the next group - Deadly, Parky, Diddy, Gambo.

-Are they...?

-They're all nicknames for DJs.

They are, nicknames for BBC radio presenters.

Alan Dedicoat - Deadly - he retired in 2015.

-You might know him as the voice of the balls on the Lottery.

-Yeah.

Parky - Michael Parkinson, was a radio presenter for many years.

Diddy - David Hamilton.

And Gamba - Paul Gambaccini, as I think you mentioned.

And the turquoise group - Biting, Crisp, Snell, Rimy.

-They might be synonyms for cold.

-They all mean cold.

Snell a Scottish word for bitterly cold.

So, no groups but all the connections - that is four points.

Let's bring in their opponents now,

give them the other Connecting Wall, see what they can do.

You'll be getting the Lion Wall because Water's been taken.

You have two and a half minutes to solve it, starting now.

OK, there's cocktails.

-BUZZER

-What else is a cocktail?

Bulldog.

BUZZER

BUZZER

Alcove is part of a building.

THEY CONFER

-Leisler's means nothing.

-No.

Wisley, does that mean anything?

Flower show, shooting championship...

-No, that's Bisley.

-Oh.

BUZZER

Vesper's definitely a cocktail.

Screwdriver is definitely a cocktail.

THEY CONFER

Kamikaze is a Japanese word.

THEY CONFER

BUZZER

BUZZER

BUZZER

BUZZER

BUZZER

Is there a Horseshoe cocktail?

What about the ones that we don't know?

That's got lake in it. That's got sea in it.

That's got cove in it.

River.

BUZZER

BUZZER Ten seconds.

BUZZER

BUZZER

BUZZER

That's it, the time's up, but you found a group, which,

let me tell you, can be hard to do.

What about the connections? Screwdriver, Chelsea, Flake, Alcove.

They've all got bodies of water hidden in them.

That's right, bodies of water at the end of the words, there -

river, sea, lake, cove.

And you can still get points for the connections in the groups

you didn't find, so let's resolve the wall. There we go.

Cardiff, Chatsworth, Rosemoor, Wisley.

-Any ideas?

-Stately homes.

-Stately homes.

No, they are flower shows,

Royal Horticultural Society flower shows, RHS Wisley and so on.

And the next group - Salty Dog, Kamikaze, Cape Cod, Vesper.

-They're all cocktails.

-They are cocktails.

They're vodka cocktails,

but I won't make you be more specific on this horrible wall.

And the last group - Serotine, Leisler's, Horseshoe, Bulldog.

-Are they all clips?

-They are not, they are bats.

As in, flap, flap in the moonlight type of bats. They are all bats.

What a nasty wall!

But well done for finding a group,

and you also got two connection points, that's a total of three.

Let's have a look at the overall scores.

So, everyone's relieved,

as you find out that the other team didn't solve the wall either.

We're now going to play the missing vowels round,

so fingers on buzzers, teams.

I can tell you that the first group are all the...

-Escapologists?

-Doppelgangers.

-Correct.

-Escapologists?

-Identical twins.

-Yes, it is.

-Escapologists.

-Mirror image.

-Yes, it is.

-Detectives?

-Allotropes.

-Correct.

Next category...

-Detectives?

-Hepatitis and liver.

-Lovely.

-Escapologists?

-Nephritis and kidney.

-Delightful.

-Detectives?

-Sinusitis and nose.

I'm afraid that's not it. Escapologists, do you know?

Sinusitis and sinus.

That's right, there's an S that doesn't work in yours. Last clue...

-Escapologists.

-Arthritis and joints.

-My personal favourite.

Next category...

-Detectives?

-Weston-super-Mare.

-Correct.

-Escapologists?

-Ashton-under-Lyne.

-Yes, it is.

-Escapologists?

-Stow-on-the-Wold.

-Correct.

-Escapologists?

-Chester-le-Street.

-Correct.

Next category...

-Escapologists?

-The Magic Flute and Mozart.

-Correct.

DETECTIVES BUZZ IN, END OF SHOW JINGLE

No time to tell me the answer - what would you have said?

-Fidelio and Beethoven.

-Oh, you know it now?

We had it earlier in the show!

That's absolutely right, but too late for the bell.

It's the end of the quiz and I can tell you that the winners,

and through to the next round with 23 points,

are the Escapologists. Very well done.

Finishing in second place with 12 is the Detectives.

But of course, you're not out via our new incomprehensible system,

where the quarterfinals go on and on for at least 23 episodes.

So, well done to you and you, and that is the end of the show.

Night-night, if you're going to bed, bye-bye.

Morning, if you're just getting up - we don't presume.

Bonsoir if you run a restaurant.

Giddy up if you're a horse.

And if you haven't paid your TV licence, hisssss!