Wanderers v Eco-Warriors Only Connect

Hello and welcome to Only Connect,

the quiz so esoteric that if you went on a date with it,

you'd go, "Nah, too weird"...

..but then, a couple of weeks later, you'd bump into it somewhere,

maybe a second-hand book shop and get chatting and you'd think,

"You know, it's not that weird, it's just different,"

and you go for a coffee.

20 years later, still happily married,

you'll be recounting this story to your two beautiful children,

Margaret, named for your beloved gran, and Empedocles,

for Only Connect's favourite pre-Socratic philosopher.

Quizzing tonight, on my right, John Payne,

a vegan who collects unusual foreign currencies

and still owns a VHS player...

..Richard Arthur, a geography teacher who buys a new pair of boots

every five years, and their captain, Sanjoy Sen, a chemical engineer

who was taught Italian by a famous footballer's cousin.

United by a passion

for perambulation,

they are the Wanderers.

Now, in your last game, you lost against the Vikings -

what advice have you given your team-mates

ahead of the new encounter?

What we've decided to do is go back to basics,

introduce a dress code and a total ban on singing.

You all look magnificent - that latter bit we'll see, we'll see.

You're facing this time, on my left, Jonathan Kershaw,

a PhD graduate whose dad went to school with a Time Lord,

Peter Barlow, a Burnley FC supporter

who has visited the highest point of every English county,

and their captain, Brett Bostock,

a retired mental health manager

with an interest in canal restoration and dialect poetry.

Keen on everything green,

they are the Eco-warriors.

Now you lost your last game against the Inquisitors,

how confident are you feeling about this match?

I have faith we can achieve our full potential.

Well, I think I hope you're right.

You've achieved your potential by winning the toss,

so you get to go first.

-Please choose from an Egyptian hieroglyph.

-Two Reeds, please.

OK, you're about to see the first of four apparently random clues.

They all have something in common.

What is it? Your time starts now.

THEY CONFER

Next, please.

THEY CONFER

-A non-smoking judge.

-Right, I think we need one more.

-I think we do.

Next, please.

-I think we definitely need another one.

-I think we do, yes.

Next, please.

They contain every letter.

They're palin-somethings that contain every letter

in the alphabet of the countries that they come from.

They are pangrams.

-They all contain every letter of the alphabet, in what languages?

-Polish.

That's the first one -

"Go cast this melancholy into the depth of a bottle."

Wise advice in the Polish. Next one?

-French.

-And what does that mean?

-"Bring the old whisky to the blonde judge who's smoking."

-Exactly right.

I like the sound of her, she's my kind of girl.

And the third one is Danish -

"Tall shy groom won dirty sex quiz on WC."

I think it's cheating to include the words "sex quiz".

I mean, that's got all the difficult letters in it, hasn't it?

And "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" -

they all contain every letter of the alphabet.

-Well spotted. Could have done it after one clue, though.

-No.

-Wanderers, what would you like?

-Horned Viper, please.

-The viper.

What is the connection between these clues? Here's the first.

THEY CONFER

OK, next.

THEY CONFER

Next.

THEY CONFER

-Did they fall over?

-Fell over somewhere, didn't they?

-Yes.

Famous falling-overs.

You didn't need to see Mo Farah, Rio de Janeiro, August 2016.

They're famous falls. What can you tell me about these incidents?

Jennifer Lawrence was at the Oscars, wasn't it?

Cos it was really endearing that she sort of stumbled

-on her way up...

-That's right.

She was going to get the Oscar for Best Actress

for Silver Linings Playbook and she stumbled over

in the ridiculous shoes they make them wear.

Hillary Clinton, what was she doing?

I think it was coming down the plane steps on the visit,

getting off the plane in Yemen.

I think it was actually boarding a plane

where she stumbled on the steps.

And The Edge from U2, he fell off the edge of the stage.

-Eco-warriors, what would you like?

-The Twisted Flax.

The Twisted Flax. What is the connection between these clues?

Here's the first.

THEY CONFER

-We need something else.

-I think we do.

-Next, please.

THEY CONFER

Some sort of cat.

-Do we need another?

-I think we do.

-Next, please.

THEY CONFER

-He's the mercenary in Star Wars.

-Yes.

Next, please.

Three seconds.

We think they're all people or things that have been cloned.

They're all clones, absolutely right.

What can you tell me about these clues?

Boba Fett has himself cloned in Star Wars.

Dolly the sheep famously was the first one

and we don't know the other two, particularly.

I'm guessing Mewtwo was a cloned cat.

It's a Pokemon, it's a clone of Mew, the Pokemon.

Snuppy, the world's first cloned dog.

Its name is a combination of puppy and Seoul National University.

And Dolly the sheep, it was cloned from a mammary gland

and Dr Ian Wilmut said, "Dolly is derived from a mammary gland cell

"and we couldn't think

"of a more impressive pair of glands than Dolly Parton's."

You wouldn't say that now. It was only 1996.

Imagine saying that. You couldn't say that post Twitter,

somebody talking about an impressive pair of glands,

although Dolly Parton's, you know, if you're going to mention a pair.

-Wanderers, what would you like next?

-Eye of Horus, please.

The Eye of Horus. OK, these are going to be picture clues.

First one coming in now.

Sally Field.

Next.

Rene Descartes.

THEY CONFER

-Yeah.

-Let's go for it.

-You go for this one.

We think it's to do with fields.

I'm afraid I can't give it to you,

so I'm going to show the next two clues to the Eco-warriors,

for a possible bonus point.

Spaniels. They're varieties of spaniel.

They are varieties of spaniel.

Who do you think is in that second picture?

We thought it was Rene Descartes,

but it's obviously Charles.

It's King Charles, exactly so King Charles II, not Descartes,

that's why your answer doesn't work.

Field spaniel, King Charles spaniel, springer spaniel,

and Jarvis Cocker, the cocker spaniel.

-What would you like for yourselves, Eco-warriors?

-The Lion, please.

The Lion. Still no jingly note,

that's still lurking there in the box.

Your non-music question starts now.

THEY CONFER

-Shall we get another?

-I think we should, just to be on the safe side.

Next, please.

THEY CONFER

-I think we need another one.

-Need another.

-Next, please.

-Ah, yes.

-Go on.

If you add "polis" to the end of them,

they become cities in the countries that are listed below.

And the last clue - Helio, Egypt. That's absolutely right.

Yes, well spotted. And the Water question remains.

It's going to be a music question

cos we haven't had it. JINGLE PLAYS

There we are. What is the connection between these lovely musical clues?

Here's the first.

# Sono andati?

# Fingevo di dormire... #

-THEY CONFER

-Next, please.

# We had joy, we had fun We had seasons in the sun

# But the stars we could reach were just starfish on the beach... #

Next.

# That's all I need to know

# And you will keep me safe

# And you will keep me close... #

We think they all have something to do with weather.

I'm afraid that they don't.

That's another really good guess, but that's not it.

So I'm going to play a blast of the final clue to the Eco-warriors.

# The preacher talked with me and he smiled

# Said, come and walk with me... #

Friends, I don't know.

That's too long, I'm afraid.

You don't know the answer. Now, what you know we heard?

It was A Little Fall Of Rain,

Eponine singing and she's dying

-while she's doing it.

-Mm-hm.

Seasons In The Sun is, um...

..Terry Jacks,

but it's about saying goodbye.

It's about dying in the spring.

I've Gotta Get A Message To You

by the BeeGees is...

A man facing execution singing to his lover.

Now, those middle two did involve the weather, but the first one,

Sono Andati from La Boheme, Puccini, and it's not about weather.

It's Mimi and Rodolfo reminiscing about their first meeting

before Mimi dies from consumption. What a merry clue.

That means at the end of Round One, the Wanderers have two points

and the Eco-warriors have five.

Like death at the end of those gloomy songs,

Round Two inevitably comes calling.

Eco-warriors, you'll be going first again. What would you like?

-Twisted Flax.

-The Twisted Flax. JINGLE PLAYS

Oh, what a delight, it's a musical sequence.

So you will be hearing up to three clues,

and I want to know what

we might hear in fourth place.

Your first musical clue is coming in now.

# On a morning from a Bogart movie

# In a country where they turn back time... #

Next, please.

GENTLE MUSIC PLAYS

I don't recognise that.

THEY CONFER

Next, please.

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

-That's 20th Century Fox.

-Yeah.

-THEY CONFER

-Two seconds.

-Can we have, in that way, the lion from MGM?

Would not be a sequence, I'm afraid.

So there's a bonus opportunity for you, Wanderers.

I think we're going to go for a song with "log" in the title

although I'm not sure if I can think of a song with "log" in the title.

That's not it. We heard Al Stewart, Year Of The Cat.

Followed by Dave Bowie, Art Decade.

Then the 20th Century Fox fanfare.

It's a periods of time increasing by a factor of 10,

so we wanted to hear something with millennium - I mean, for example?

-Robbie Williams.

-Well, Robbie Williams, I can't...

I'm having an absolute mental blank.

How does it go, John? How does that go?

# We've got stars directing our fate...

ALL: # And we're praying it's not too late

# Cos we know we're falling from grace

# Millennium... #

Lovely. Absolutely lovely. I suppose we'd better get on with the quiz,

but I enjoyed that tremendously.

What question would you like, Wanderers?

-Horned Viper, please.

-The viper.

What would come fourth in this picture sequence?

Here's the first.

THEY CONFER

Next.

THEY CONFER

-No, I think we have to go next.

-Next.

That's a toasted marshmallow.

THEY CONFER

Two seconds.

-These are flavours...

-What would come fourth in this sequence?

Candyfloss.

I'm afraid that's not it. Eco-warriors, do you know?

-Nougat.

-It is nougat. And why?

-Android operating systems.

It's successive versions of the android operating system...

Delicious. Well done, for the bonus and what question would you like?

-Two Reeds, please.

-OK.

What will come fourth in the Two Reeds sequence?

Here's the first.

THEY CONFER

-Another?

-I think we do.

-Next, please.

Oh, these are government departments.

THEY CONFER

-I think we need the next one.

-Next, please.

THEY CONFER

Is it the Department for Brexit? Department for Brexit.

We think it should be Department for Brexit.

Is an acceptable answer. Well done. And why is that?

They're retitlings of various government departments.

-They're new government departments.

-New government departments.

There's some restructuring, but they're new government departments

and Brexit will be fourth,

but I'd also have accepted Department for International Trade

or Business, Energy and Industrial Strategy,

which is a reshaping, because they came in on the same day in 2016.

Well done.

-Back to you, Wanderers, for a choice.

-Lion, please.

-Lion.

What would come fourth in this sequence? Here's the first.

THEY CONFER

Next.

THEY CONFER

Next.

THEY CONFER

Two seconds.

-No, sorry.

-Do you have an answer?

-No.

-No.

Eco-warriors, do you want to have a go?

Something sergeant, a character that's a sergeant.

No, what do you think the sequence is?

Well, Hawkeye was a surgeon and had the rank of major,

Fancy Smith was a constable...

..Monica Geller doesn't quite fit that bit.

She was a cook played by Courtney Cox.

Fancy Smith in Z Cars played by Brian Blessed.

Hawkeye Pierce in M*A*S*H by Alan Alda.

AA, BB, CC, I want a character who's played by someone with initials DD -

for example, Fox Mulder played by David Duchovny

or Mick Carter played by Danny Dyer,

someone played by a DD initialled actor.

No bonus points to Eco-warriors, but what would you like to choose?

-Eye of Horus, please.

-Eye of Horus.

What would come fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

THEY CONFER

Next, please.

THEY CONFER

-We need another one.

-I think we do.

-Next, please.

-Ninja.

-Ninja.

THEY CONFER

We're guessing at the knights that go, "Ni!"

Not the answer, I'm afraid, so, Wanderers,

do you want to go for a bonus point?

Possibly not.

-OK, what does the first clue suggest to you?

-Minus six.

It's not maths, it's just 13 to 19, teenage.

One of the X-Men or mutants, of course,

so one of them will be a mutant - Teenage Mutant Ninja...

..Turtles.

I just wanted to hear marine tortoises,

anything that indicated turtles.

That's what's going on there.

So you don't get the bonus, I'm afraid, Wanderers,

but I can give you the Water question.

You might not want it, but I can give it to you.

What would come fourth in this sequence? Here's the first.

THEY CONFER

Next.

THEY CONFER

Next.

THEY CONFER

Two seconds.

Can we try M-blank-blank-blank-M?

And why would that be?

We think you can form palindromes from these

and I think you get one point for the R in Scrabble,

two for the N, do you get three for B and so we picked a letter

that you'd get four for and then made a word

with one of those two letters in which forms a palindrome.

My goodness, that is hugely complicated,

but I don't think is a viable sequence.

So a bonus chance for you, Eco-warriors.

-A-six dashes-A

-And why would that be?

We're thinking it's America and I don't know why.

That's not it either. This is simple chess notation.

At the beginning of a chess game,

the rooks are in the far corners, RR,

the knights, NN,

the bishops, we're coming inwards and I want to hear

blank-blank-blank-QK or KQ if you're playing with the black pieces.

At the end of Round Two,

The Wanderers have two points,

the Eco-warriors have eight.

And on we march towards the Connecting Wall

and it'll be your turn to go first this time, Wanderers,

-so would you like Lion or Water?

-Lion, please.

OK, two and a half minutes to solve the Lion wall starting now.

National Geographic, New Scientist magazines.

THEY CONFER

Oh, mother tongue, Mother Goose. Mother Superior, Mother Nature.

THEY CONFER

20 seconds.

THEY CONFER

That's it. The time is up. The wall has frozen. What a horrible wall -

but you did find a group, which is no mean feat -

and what about the connection? Superior, Tongue, Goose, Nature.

-Mother can go before all of them.

-Mother before all of them -

and you can still get points for connections in the group

you didn't find, so let's resolve the wall.

Jester, Merlin, Maverick, Hollywood.

I think those are characters from Top Gun.

They are pilots in Top Gun.

And the next group - Iceman, Interlude, Electra, Wilderness.

I think those are villains from the Marvel world

or perhaps the DC world.

And what brilliant villains they would be -

but in this case they are in the titles of plays by Eugene O'Neill.

The Iceman Cometh, Strange Interlude,

Mourning Becomes Electra and Our Wilderness.

Eugene O'Neill plays.

And the next group - New Scientist, Countryman,

Wildlife, National Geographic.

Those are the well-known magazines

specifically about nature and science.

Those are the science and nature magazines -

and it's so horrible because there are six of those

and six Top Gun pilots, so, very hard to solve -

but you did find a group

and you gave me three correct connections,

that is a total of four.

Let's bring in the Eco-warriors now and give them the Water wall,

see what they can do about solving it.

Two and a half minutes to solve the Water wall starting now.

THEY CONFER

What else has Hugh Laurie done?

What will Glossop be?

THEY CONFER

30 seconds.

THEY CONFER

I can't think of another role that Hugh Laurie has played.

That's it, the time is up.

What a horrible wall and the other one was so easy, you were unlucky.

But you did find a group.

Can you tell me the connection?

Buxton, Bolsover, Matlock, Whaley Bridge.

-They're all places in Derbyshire.

-They're in Derbyshire.

And you can get points for connections in the groups

you didn't find, so let's resolve the wall. There you go.

Glossop, Threepwood, Ukridge, Psmith,

They're all characters in Wooster

-and the novels by PG Wodehouse.

-PG Wodehouse.

Yes, Wooster is one of the novels, the Jeeves books.

Yes, various PG Wodehouse novels.

And the next one - Wooster, Prince Regent and so on.

Well, certainly Hugh Laurie played the first two.

-Hugh Laurie, yeah.

-Hugh Laurie.

Characters played by Hugh Laurie, absolutely right.

And the last one - House, Third, Search, Labour.

I can't give you long.

No? All can be followed by party.

House party, third party, search party, Labour Party.

But you found one group and three connections, that's a total of four.

Let's have a look at the scores going into the final round.

Yes, a matching pair of horrible walls, still just a six-point gap.

This can turn around or not -

in the Missing Vowels Round, fingers on buzzers, teams.

I can tell you that the first group are all...

-Eco-warriors?

-The Tiger Who Came To Tea.

-Warriors?

-The Gruffalo.

-Wanderers?

-The Very Hungry Caterpillar.

-Wanderers?

-Where The Wild Things Are.

Next category - special editions of Walkers crisps.

Wanderers?

Too long, I'm afraid. Too long. Eco-warriors, do you know?

Builder's Breakfast.

-Warriors?

-Salt And Lineker.

-Warriors?

-Stephen Fry Up.

You don't know this one. It's Jimmy Con Carrne.

Next category...

-Wanderers?

-What's Eating Gilbert Grape?

-Wanderers?

-Dude, Where's My Car?

-Wanderers?

-O Brother, Where Art Thou?

-Very well done.

-Wanderers?

-What Ever Happened To Baby Jane?

But no more questions because it's the end of the quiz

and looking at the final scores, the winners

and still in this round or through to the next round,

depending on your understanding of quarterfinal,

which in my case is none,

with 17 points,

it's the Eco-warriors.

Very well done and brilliant quizzers in this series

but not good enough tonight

with 11 points, it's the Wanderers.

So nice to meet you all.

Some beautiful singing, especially from you, there, John.

Thank you very much for coming, but I'm afraid you're now going home,

although you can go home, as well, if you want, for now.

You're allowed to go home, everyone can go home - except me,

because I've lost my dressing room key, so I can't go anywhere,

but it's OK, I'm just going to slip under the desk,

bed down here for the night.

I've got everything I need - a torch, a duvet and a minibar,

the simple life.

Goodbye.