Detectives v Beaks Only Connect

Hello and welcome to Only Connect.

And if you'd like to come along

and be in the live audience for the show,

then please drop us a line via the website.

I mean, it'll be slightly weird

because we don't have a live audience for the show.

There isn't a great crowd of people here,

not laughing at the things I say.

Apart from the crew.

But you can stand with them, the cameramen, they won't mind,

they haven't got much to do.

They're just standing around, standing, standing.

We're not making Lord Of The Rings. Although sometimes it looks like it.

Let's meet the teams.

On my right, Ian King,

a French and Russian graduate who's listed in

the Guinness Book Of Records, along with 2,275 colleagues,

for standing on one leg.

Tim Harrison, a communications consultant

who used to be a heavyweight boxer.

And their captain, Tim Hall, a former accountant

who successfully predicted a woman's pregnancy using tarot cards.

All fans of Inspector Morse,

they are the Detectives.

Now, you lost your last game against the Escapologists.

How competitive are you feeling about tonight's match?

We're going to be absolutely, massively competitive

as long as that's all right with everyone else.

Terrifying.

The opponents you're scaring tonight are, on my left,

Rob Cromarty, a former archaeologist who enjoys writing Latin poetry.

Aidan Sproat-Clements, a head of mathematics

who designed his own wedding stationery using fractals.

And their captain, Dan Sproat-Clements,

a housemaster who recently enjoyed a wine-tasting trip to Chablis

and ended up attending a wedding reception with the vineyard's owner.

All working at Wellington College,

they are the Beaks.

You lost your last game against the Belgophiles.

Has that rattled the confidence? How's the team?

There wasn't much confidence to begin with so, yes,

whatever there was has now safely run away and hidden in the corner.

We tossed a coin to see who would be going first in this match.

Detectives, you won. Please choose an Egyptian hieroglyph.

Can we have Water, please?

Water. Good luck, both teams.

Someone has to go home tonight, I hope it's neither of you.

But I'm hoping in vain.

What is the connection between these apparently random clues?

Here's the first.

Next, please.

That is the effect whereby stupid people don't realise they're stupid.

It's possible, the first one is very similar.

Shall we go for another one?

Next, please.

That is when you are promoted to your level of incompetence.

Maximum, sort of...

All sorts of psychological effects

or psychological observations of how people behave.

-But to do with intelligence?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

BELL

They're all psychological observations

about the way people act,

to do with their intelligence.

So, the Peter Principle, people are

promoted to the level of their incompetence.

The Dunning-Kruger effect is when stupid people don't

realise that they're stupid.

I'm minded to accept it.

That's very good of you.

I really want to hear incompetence

rather than intelligence or stupidity, but you're in

the right zone and I think you know what these things are.

You didn't need to see the last one, Dilbert Principle, what's that?

Is it something to do with the cartoon Dilbert?

And the Pointy Haired Boss, presumably?

I don't know if it's to do with a cartoon. I know what it is.

The idea is you promote somebody higher up the chain

because the higher up they are, the less damage they can do.

So you keep the incompetent people...

I don't know what you're implying!

But at the lower levels, where people do the real work,

you keep the competent people.

And, yes, the Peter Principle is people rising to the level of

their incompetence. A similar idea, really.

Putts Law is negative selection,

people who understand what they don't manage

and manage what they don't understand.

The Dunning-Kruger effect, I think, as you said... Yes.

My notes say, "A cognitive bias in which low ability individuals

"suffer from illusory superiority,

"assessing their own ability as higher than it really is."

We all know one of those.

I can literally see the cameramen nodding. Mmm-hmm.

Do you know what it's inspired by, that study?

People called Dunning and Kruger.

No, I think they were the people that did the study.

No, it was a man who robbed two banks

and he covered his face in lemon juice...

Because he thought it makes

invisible ink or something like that?

Exactly so.

Because you can make invisible ink,

he thought his face wouldn't be picked out by CCTV.

Well done, you get two points.

-Beaks, what would you like?

-Eye of Horus, please.

The Eye of Horus. These are going to be picture clues.

Something connects them. What is it?

Time starts now.

Next, please.

Next.

BELL

Demi-something.

You also get two points for coming in after three clues.

Well done. I'll show you the last clue, and tell me...?

-Demijohn?

-Demijohn is the last one. What are the other pictures?

-The first is a demitasse, a cup.

-That's right.

And a demi-semi-quaver.

That's right. The second one, a demilune.

A demi-semi-quaver, which is a 32nd note.

Do you know what you call a 512th note?

-Give him a second.

-Erm...

A hemi-demi-semi- hemi-demi-semi-quaver.

All demi-somethings, well done.

Back to you, Detectives, for a choice.

-Can we have Twisted Flax, please?

-Yes, you can.

What is the connection between these clues?

Here's the first.

Next, please.

-They used to be one country. They used to be united.

-Japan?

Do you want to go for another one? Just to be certain.

-I think we'd want to.

-Next, please.

-Let's go for it, shall we?

-BELL

They all used to be one entity.

I'm afraid they did not.

So I'm going to show the last clue to the Beaks for a possible bonus.

-No?

-No, you don't know.

-Got it now.

-What is it?

-Straits.

They're straits.

Straits, and the countries that they separate.

So, the Denmark Strait separates Iceland and Greenland,

the Korea Strait, South Korea and Japan.

And so forth.

What do you find at the western end of the Denmark Strait?

-Denmark?

-SHE LAUGHS

You find the North Atlantic circulation pump.

What is the North Atlantic circulation pump?

-Erm...

-An area of rising hot water

that keeps the Atlantic spinning the way it should?

I mean, in a way...

It's the world's highest waterfall,

-but it's underwater.

-OK.

And the difference in temperature means the air...?

That's right, you get temperature differences. Isn't that weird?

I think it's cheating for a waterfall to be underwater,

because how do you get to go and look at it?

That's what you'd find at the western end of the Denmark Strait.

So, no points there. Beaks, your turn to pick a hieroglyph.

-Lion, please.

-Lion.

What is the connection between these apparently random clues?

Here's the first.

Next, please.

Next, please.

Are they anagrams?

-Yes!

-BELL

They are anagrams of your Only Connect hieroglyphs.

They are anagrams of hieroglyphs. Very well done.

I'm going to show you the last clue.

What are they anagrams for?

Water, Lion, Two Reeds and Horned Viper.

That's right. The first one, Horned Viper.

Ed Towers is Two Reeds.

Loin is Lion. ET war, Water.

-Shall I tell you some others?

-Please.

All very appropriate. Horned Viper, "no perv hired".

If only. If only, is what I'd say to that.

You can also make "hide porn rev" and "hen provider".

Eye of Horus, "house foray".

Twisted Flax, "fits lewd tax".

All anagrams of hieroglyphs used on Only Connect.

Very well spotted.

Detectives, what would you like?

-Can we have Two Reeds, please?

-Two Reeds. OK,

I'm afraid it's the music question.

You'll be hearing your lovely clues. What connects them?

Time starts now.

# This old world will never change...

-Do you have an idea?

-No.

# ..The way it's been... #

Next, please.

# I'm going to wash the dishes

# While you go have a beer... #

Next, please.

# Hey, kids, shake it loose together

# The spotlight's hitting something

# That's been known to change the weather

# We'll kill the fatted... #

Next, please.

UP-TEMPO DIXIELAND JAZZ

BELL

-Are they all NFL teams?

-Very well done.

-What did we hear?

-We recognised Bennie And The Jets

-and When The Saints Go Marching In.

-Yep?

-Haven't a clue on the others.

-We also heard Dolphins, Tim Buckley,

for the Miami Dolphins. And Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?,

Paula Cole. Well spotted.

All contain NFL teams in their titles.

Back to you, Beaks.

I suppose it will be the Horned Viper.

Hide porn rev.

It's the Horned Viper question.

What is the connection between these clues?

Here's the first.

Next, please.

Are these David Walliams novels?

-Are you sure?

-Yeah, go for it. Let's go for it.

BELL

David Walliams novels.

I'm afraid not.

So I'm going to show the next two clues to the Detectives

for a possible bonus point.

They've all won the prize for children's literature.

Carnegie, is it?

No, they may have all won prizes, but not all the same one.

Gangsta Granny is a David Walliams novel.

The Butterfly Lion is Michael Morpurgo.

The Selfish Giant, Oscar Wilde.

They are children's stories in which the title character dies.

Sorry for the spoiler, there.

But, yes, that is the connection, is that they have tragic endings.

-Do you know The Selfish Giant, the Oscar Wilde story?

-No.

A giant dies under a tree.

Do people feel sorry for him? Because he is selfish.

I think he becomes less selfish over the course of the story,

-then dies anyway.

-Oh, I see.

The Butterfly Lion...

This is awful, I'm reading these plots.

The title character is befriended as an orphan cub, sold,

then it dies and then...

Right, I'm never reading that, I'm never reading that.

At the end of Round One,

the Detectives have three points,

the Beaks have four.

Round Two, the sequences round.

The teams may see a maximum of three clues.

I want to know what will come fourth in a sequence.

Detectives, you'll be going first again.

-Which hieroglyph would you like?

-Can we have Eye of Horus, please?

Yes, you can. What will come fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

Next, please.

CNN?

Fox?

Next.

-That's HB.

-HBO.

So what's that? That's HBOS. HBO.

HB.

-So will that be just H?

-Hydrogen.

-Yeah.

BELL

Hydrogen.

Is an acceptable answer.

I'd have preferred Ian Watkins from Steps.

-But why?

-It's going from HBOS to HBO, to HB, to H.

That's right. HBOS, HBO, HB,

I need something representing H.

Being more highbrow than us,

you chose hydrogen rather than a member of Steps.

Back to you, Beaks, for a choice.

-Water, please.

-Water. What would come fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

Next, please.

Heads, shoulders, knees and toes.

-Toes is phalanges.

-No, meta...

Or metatarsals.

Yeah, yeah, go for it. Go for it.

BELL

-Metatarsals.

-And why would that be?

Head, shoulders, knees and toes.

I'll accept it, that's the right puzzle.

I think a doctor would tell you that phalanges would be more correct

than metatarsals, but you have solved the puzzle.

These are of course...?

The bones corresponding to the bits

in the song Head, Shoulders, Knees And Toes.

I think your parietal bone is that bit around your temples and eyes.

Yes, the sides and top of the cranium.

And the collarbone connects the shoulder blade to the sternum.

-Kneecaps?

-Yes, patellae.

Do you know...? Who's the classicist?

Oh, dear.

What does that mean, do you know?

Given the ending, I'd suggest it's a diminutive,

-so it's a small form of something.

-A little pan.

Isn't that sweet? The knees, little pans.

Two girls, one on each knee.

Phalanges, the bones of the toes,

metatarsals, bones of the foot, I think, really.

But you've solved it correctly. Well done.

Back to you, Detectives, for a choice.

-Lion, please.

-Lion.

OK, what will come fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

Next, please.

Next, please.

Right, he's the host of the...

Which show in America? Of the late-night talk shows?

-Has he been replaced by James Corden?

-Yes.

BELL

Without a huge amount of confidence, James Corden.

Is the right answer.

Why do you think that might be?

They are the hosts of a late-night chat show in America,

-but I can't remember which one.

-The Late Late Show, that's right,

an American talk show from 1995 to the present.

What is James Corden's middle name?

It's gone completely from my head.

-Do you know?

-Alexander?

-Kimberley.

-Oh.

-It's Kimberley.

So even though you weren't confident, you were correct

and you may have the points. Well done.

Back to you, Beaks, for a choice.

-Horned Viper, please.

-OK.

What would come fourth in this picture sequence?

Here's the first.

Is that London?

Next, please.

That's Fawlty Towers.

No, no.

'97 was Tony Blair.

So then it's Gordon Brown.

-Do something.

-Two seconds.

BELL

Erm...

So.

Erm...

2000 and, erm...

..17, and...

I'm going to stop you there, I'm afraid that is not the right answer.

So I'm going to show the third in the sequence for the Detectives

for a possible bonus point.

-Holland?

-Yeah.

I can't give you long.

2015 and a picture of a Cameron Highlander.

Nope. What do you think the sequence is?

Is it leaders of the Conservative Party in the year they left?

So it would be 2016 and a Cameron Highlander?

It's the year they lost elections.

So, Heath, '74. Major, '97.

We want then Hague, The Hague, 2001.

2005, Howard. Michael Howard.

So we've got Howard the Duck there.

That is the sequence.

It is Tory leaders who lost a general election

and we're going towards Howard.

You both bounded too far into the future.

But you have your own question, Detectives, which is it to be?

-Can we have Two Reeds, please?

-Yes, you can.

What will come fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

Next, please.

BELL

31-40:2.

Is the right answer. And why is that?

We think it is the number of prime numbers within that range.

That's exactly right, it's as simple as that.

between 31 and 40 there are two prime numbers.

One question remains, the Twisted Flax.

What would come fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

Next, please.

It won the Best Picture.

It was originally the stage version of My Fair Lady.

Next, please.

Was Chicago the next musical to win Best Picture?

-I think so.

-Go for it.

BELL

-Chicago.

-Is the right answer.

What is the sequence?

These are musicals that have won the Best Picture at the Oscars.

That is exactly right.

And why was our question editor disappointed in the spring of 2017?

Because La La Land very nearly won and then didn't.

Exactly so.

Even though Moonlight is unarguably the better film,

it's not so interesting when you're

trying to make sequences in Only Connect. Had La La Land won,

as Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway tried to make happen,

it would have been so useful for our show.

Has there ever been a more embarrassing moment at the Oscars?

Gwyneth Paltrow's crying?

I don't know. She cried, Jennifer Lawrence fell over,

there've been terrible speeches, but declaring the wrong thing

and then the people are taking the thing and then...aargh!

Terrible.

But the right answer.

That means, at the end of Round Two,

the Beaks have nine points,

the Detectives have ten.

Time now for the Wall Game.

Sorry, Beaks, wrong school.

But you do get to go first.

Would you like Lion or Water?

-Lion, please.

-Lion.

You have 2.5 minutes to solve the Lion wall, starting now.

Catcher is a baseball player.

A channel, a gutter, a trench...

Long on's a cricket fielder,

gully's a fielder, slip's a fielder.

And point's a fielder.

-BUZZ

-And so is cover.

-Not gutter, not gutter.

-BUZZ

Slip, gully, long on and point.

-Channel...gully...

-BUZZ

Gutter's a term in bowling.

BUZZ

BUZZ

-Creek, culvert...

-BUZZ

-Creek, culvert...

-Gully and ditch?

-Gully, ditch.

-And trench.

-BUZZ

And also channel, please.

-A slip is an item of clothing.

-BUZZ

Can I keep trying the...?

-OK, so...

-BUZZ

-Butch Cassidy, Pat Garrett...

-BUZZ

-..they're cowboys.

-BUZZ

Fine.

BUZZ

-BUZZ

-Long on, gully, slip and cover

-and point are all fielding points.

-BUZZ

-OK, fine.

-BUZZ

BUZZ

BUZZ

-Hmm, this is rather difficult.

-BUZZ

Catcher is a cricket position as well.

-BUZZ

-Is it?

BUZZ

So, creek is... Wonderful.

So, Creek's a detective, Creek is a river.

Ditch is a river area.

We're quite hard for time.

BUZZ

Banish is to...

Three lives, one minute.

Slipper? P-E-R at the end? OK.

Lip's in there, but's in there, ban's in there and cat is in there.

OK, so... Postman Pat.

Can we try that as one which is...?

But there's no link to those words.

-Well, they all contain another hidden word.

-Of?

They've all got a short, three-letter word in them.

-BUZZ

-OK.

So...

-Is there a word...?

-Butch Cassidy, Pat Garrett.

Pat Cash, Jonathan Creek.

Ten seconds.

Let's go with something.

BUZZ

-BUZZ

-OK.

-OK.

-That's it.

Your lives are up, but you found two groups on that horrible wall.

Can you tell me the connections?

Cover, gully, point, long on?

They're fielding positions in cricket.

That's exactly what they are.

And the green group - ditch, gutter, culvert, channel?

They're all things that water drains through.

All conduits for water.

And what about the groups you didn't find?

Let's resolve the wall.

There you go.

Catcher, slip, pat, boy?

-Things that are best?

-No.

Now, You mentioned Butch Cassidy earlier.

It's cow. Like cowboy.

Cowboy, cowpat, cowslip, cow catcher

is something to do with a train.

Oh, yes, in front.

Cow at the beginning of all of them.

And the last, turquoise group -

trench, butch, creek, banish?

Can you put the letters E-R at the end of them to make...?

-I think creeker is not quite anything.

-I'm not sure.

This is what it is.

You can change the first letter to make a language.

-French, Dutch, Greek, Danish.

-Greek!

-Danish!

-Wow.

-Unlucky.

But you did find two groups and give me the connections,

that's a total of four.

Let's bring in their opponents now and give them

the other connecting wall, the Water wall, see how they get on.

You have got 2.5 minutes to solve the Water wall, starting now.

OK, shall we go for some of them?

-BUZZ

-OK, what else?

BUZZ

BUZZ

OK, that's in heraldry.

Shall we try heraldry?

Pale fire?

Anemone, erm...

Anemone is a plant and a...

Is that heraldry?

Other plants here.

Other plants...

-Women's names as well.

-Yeah.

I think we need to work out what...

Sea anemone, sea cucumber.

Sea gooseberry? Sea violet?

BUZZ

-OK.

-Three lives now.

Bend sinister, pale fire...

You think those are both heraldry?

Violet? Cora?

It's Downton Abbey. I don't watch it, but...

Cora, Edith, Mary

and...

..and Violet, I think.

What would these other ones be? They're books by...

..by Nabokov, aren't they?

Lolita.

So, we think it might be Violet.

-And those are all Nabokov, do we think?

-Yeah.

-Really?

-Let's see if it's right first.

-BUZZ

-It's not.

So, what else can be...?

That must be a novel, if they're novels, that must be a novel.

Lolita, there's no Lolita in Downton.

-OK, so we've tried...

-Is Isabel in Downton?

-Is there a Cora in Downton?

-Yes.

-OK.

There's a Mary, Edith and Cora.

Try... We did...

Yeah.

-BUZZ

-OK.

-And Lolita?

-There's no Lolita in Downton.

So it's Cora or Mary.

Could be, couldn't it? Or it could be Mary.

Shall we go for one of these?

-We've tried...?

-No.

-We haven't tried this.

Shall we go for this? I don't think we can get any further.

BUZZ

That's it, that is your three lives.

But you found two groups and can you tell me the connection

in the first one, starting lilac?

They're all shades of purple.

All shades of purple.

And the green group - lily, cucumber, anemone, gooseberry?

If you put sea in front of them, you get a different sort of organism.

You can put sea in front of all of them.

You can still get points for the connections,

so let's resolve the wall.

There you go.

Mary, Bend Sinister, Pale Fire, Lolita?

We think these must be Nabokov works.

They are novels by Vladimir Nabokov.

And the last group - Violet, Edith, Cora, Isabel?

These are Downton Abbey characters.

They are the characters from Downton Abbey and Mary was the red herring.

So, two points for the groups and four for the connections,

that's a total of six.

Let's have a look at the scores going into the final round.

So it's quite close and the outcome will be decided

in the missing vowels round.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

The first group of disguised clues

are all things you might do if you're angry.

-Beaks?

-Rant and rave.

Correct.

-Detectives?

-Scream blue murder.

Correct.

-Beaks?

-Foam at the mouth.

Correct.

-Detectives?

-Go through the roof.

Correct.

Next category...

-Detectives?

-Kingdom of Denmark.

Yes, it is.

-Beaks?

-Commonwealth of Australia.

Correct.

Well, this is horrible. It's Plurinational State of Bolivia.

Next clue.

And this one is Federation of Saint Christopher and Nevis.

Next category...

-Beaks?

-How do you do?

Correct.

-Beaks?

-Pleased to meet you.

Lovely.

-Beaks?

-Well played.

Yes, indeed.

-Beaks?

-Congratulations.

Very good.

Next category...

-Detectives?

-Quack.

Correct.

No time to tell me that the answer to that is leech

because the bell has gone for the end of the quiz.

And I can tell you that

the Beaks have 20 points,

the Detectives have...

..20 points! It is a tie-break.

No!

We haven't had one of those in this series so far.

How tense!

Teams, I will remind you that the rules of a tie-break are

there will be one decisive clue.

It is captains only.

The other team members will not contribute.

Captains, you buzz in when you think you know the answer.

If you're right, you automatically win the quiz.

If you're wrong, you automatically forfeit the quiz.

So...

..fingers on buzzers, captains.

Good luck.

The tie-breaker clue is coming in...now.

-Detectives?

-Dammed if you do, dammed if you don't.

Is the right answer.

Very well done.

Oh, my goodness, what a close one.

You are through to the next round.

Beaks, I'm so sorry.

What an incredibly likeable team.

One of my absolute favourites from the series.

I'm really sorry you're going and it couldn't have been closer.

I think you knew the answer there?

Yeah, I was... Yeah, same time.

A fraction of a second too late.

But you've done brilliantly, you've done almost equally brilliantly.

Very well done.

That's right, there are no losers here.

Apart from those guys.

Goodbye.