Lapsed Physicists v Belgophiles Only Connect

Avaunt and quit my sight.

Let the earth hide you.

Thy bones are marrowless, thy blood is cold.

So rails Macbeth at the ghost of Banquo.

But that's the Scots for you. I'm English.

I'd rather not cause a scene.

We don't have enough chairs? We'll squeeze Banquo in somewhere.

Luckily, here at Only Connect,

nobody's trying to gate-crash the feast.

Faced with our studio catering, even ghosts run, screaming, away.

In contention tonight, two new teams.

And they are, on my right,

Lizzy Crawford, a clinical technologist

who won a local talent competition

by playing songs from the musical Oliver(!)

on the recorder using her nose.

Andrew Taylor, a software engineer

with a passion for recreational mathematics,

and their captain, Adam Tumber,

an aspiring stand-up comedian with an interest in medieval history,

who's kept every mobile phone he has ever owned.

All former physicists,

they are the Lapsed Physicists.

So, presumably, physics is covered.

What are your team's other strengths?

We like to think we have a little bit, at least, across the board

but, respectively, probably music,

technology and Mario Kart.

Thank you for coming.

You will be playing tonight, on my left,

Helen Fasham, a civil servant

who is able to say "Thank you, chairman"

in all 23 languages of the European Union,

Phil Small, a keen archer

who once got drunk on cider with Howard Marks,

and their captain, Ben Fasham,

a publishing sales manager who once enjoyed poolside drinks

with the former President of Burundi.

United by a flair for the Flemish,

they are the Belgophiles.

What does your team like about Belgium?

It's a polylinguistic monarchy

with up to six layers of elected government,

so it's the quiz lover's dream.

Very much like Only Connect in every respect.

You won the toss. That was your first win this evening.

You'll be going first. Which hieroglyph would you like?

Eye of Horus, please.

Eye of Horus. MUSICAL NOTE

The music question, straight from the off.

Unlucky, Lapsed Physicists, not yours.

You'll be hearing your clues.

I want to know what connects them.

The time starts now.

# One mile over we'll be there and we'll see you

-# Ten true summers... #

-Next.

# Now that you're mine

# We'll find a way

-# Of chasing the sun... #

-Next.

# I looked over Jordan

# And what did I see?

# Coming for to carry me home

-# A band of angels... #

-Next.

# Johnny shall have a new master

# He shall have but a penny a day

# Because he can't work any faster... # Two seconds.

BELL

Um, we think it's something to with playgrounds, playground equipment.

It's playground equipment. You're absolutely right. What did we hear?

-Slide Away by Oasis.

-Mm-hmm.

-Um...

-First one might have been the Small Faces.

It's Yes with Roundabout.

I didn't know what the song was.

The third one?

Swing Low, Sweet Chariot, of course.

Swing Low, Sweet Chariot,

the England rugby anthem.

Do you know who was singing that?

Harry Secombe?

No, Bryn Terfel.

Not a big fan of the England rugby team,

I would imagine, but he was singing that. And the last one, of course...

-We didn't...

-Really?

"Johnny shall have a new master".

-Do you know what that is?

-Seesaw Margery Daw.

-Seesaw Margery Daw.

It's one of the few nursery rhymes that, apparently,

isn't about plague or death or tragedy.

It's just about sawing and the words are made up to go with the melody.

Roundabout, slide, swing, seesaw.

All playground equipment. Well done.

-Physicists, what would you like?

-Could we have Twisted Flax, please.

Yes. What is the connection between these clues? Here's the first.

INDISTINGUISHABLE

Next.

INDISTINGUISHABLE

Next, please.

INDISTINGUISHABLE

Next, please.

-Are they things that...?

-Colours?

-Yeah.

-It wasn't Technicolor in the original.

-No.

INDISTINGUISHABLE

Two seconds. BELL

We're going to go with they're not a colour

you would ordinarily expect them to be.

I think that's a really brilliant guess but it's not the right answer.

Belgophiles, you have the chance for a bonus point.

Changed colours.

What are you thinking about,

apart from the last clue?

We're thinking that we're not sure.

Doesn't one of the Spider-Men have

a black outfit or something?

Oh, I see.

Andrew Garfield, the actor,

played Spider-Man in two films

in which the title referred to him

-as the Amazing Spider-Man. ALL:

-Ah!

That hymn we're talking about is Amazing Grace.

Joseph's Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat

and the character inspired by Amy Elliott Dunne...

She's from Gone Girl.

-Amazing Amy, is it?

-That's right.

In Gone Girl, the film,

Rosamund Pike plays somebody

who, as a child,

her parents had written books

inspired by her, the Amazing Amy.

Let me ask you this about Stan Lee.

This is an excellent fact.

Stan Lee, creator of Spider-Man -

do you know what his military classification was in World War II?

Trumpeter.

It was playwright.

Nine men were given the official military classification "playwright"

and Stan Lee was one of them.

Some good guesses, but no points.

And, Belgophiles, it's your own question.

-Two Reeds, please.

-Two Reeds.

What is the connection between these clues? Here's the first.

INDISTINGUISHABLE

Next.

INDISTINGUISHABLE

Lobbying, K... Knighthoods?

-Again? Nothing springs to mind.

-Music and Danish, no?

OK, next.

Is it "Street"? Go with "Street"?

-OK.

-Shall we, Helen?

-Denmark Street is music, definitely.

-Oh, yeah, yeah.

BELL

These are "Streets" - locations where these things can be found.

That's absolutely right.

You didn't need to see the last one, journalism and Fleet.

Yes, "Streets"

and associated professions.

The second clue - does that ring any bells with you?

K Street.

-House Of Cards, maybe?

-It's real.

It's in Washington DC and a lot of lobbyists are to be found there.

That's where the lobbying centre is thought of.

And Denmark Street in London,

runs off Charing Cross Road -

it's a sort of Tin Pan Alley of London. A lot of music shops.

I'm not sure there are now.

There were efforts to close them down

and people were playing their guitars in protest.

-It's all closing down.

-It's all closing down.

And Wall Street, of course, centre of the banking industry.

So, all streets and associated professions. Well done.

-Lapsed Physicists, what would you like?

-Can we have Water, please?

Yes, you may. What is the connection between these clues?

Here's the first.

INDISTINGUISHABLE

Next.

INDISTINGUISHABLE

-Has the Central Line changed colour at any point?

-Next, please.

INDISTINGUISHABLE

I wonder if it was orange to begin with.

INDISTINGUISHABLE

BELL

We think they've all changed from the original colour that they were.

I need something more.

They've gone from red to that.

Not it, I'm afraid.

So, I'm going to show the last clue to the Belgophiles

for a possible bonus point.

No, that's too long. I heard you muttering about it.

They were all previously orange.

Red is close, but we have

too many rainbow questions here

to elide red and orange. We need them to be different.

Oscar the Grouch, now green, was previously orange.

The Central Line, now red, a Tube line in London that was orange.

The top stripe on the Netherlands' flag.

-It changed in the 17th century.

-House of Orange.

The House of Orange. It was an orange flag. What was it called?

-The Oranje flag.

-Basically, yes.

Oranje, blanje, blou.

I'm not pronouncing it right.

Now red, white and blue.

And EE Telecom was a venture

between Orange and Deutsche Telekom.

No points there.

-Belgophiles, you get to choose a question.

-Lion, please.

Lion. What is the connection between these clues? Here's the first.

INDISTINGUISHABLE

-Could be time.

-19.40.

-Something that happened in 1940?

-Next.

1805. They're the times.

So, the Battle of Britain was...

The Battle of Trafalgar was 1806, yeah.

-It was 1805, yeah, I think so.

-OK.

BELL

The numbers refer to years,

written as numbers, that these battles took place.

In the 24 hour clock.

In the 24 hour clock.

The 24 hour clock is the key. Very well spotted.

You get three points for coming in after two clues.

British battle dates

in the 24 hour clock.

So, 1940, the Battle of Britain,

would be 20 to eight.

Trafalgar, 1805,

Waterloo, 1815,

and Agincourt, 1415.

24 hour clock representations of British battle dates. Well spotted.

One question remaining for you, Physicists.

Last chance to get some points this round. Good luck.

It is the Horned Viper.

I expect they'll be picture clues cos we haven't seen any yet.

What connects them? Time starts now.

GIs?

Next.

Cinnamon? Bark? Or...

Next, please.

That's the Calcutta Cup.

Next, please.

BELL

They're all place names in India.

They're all named after places in India. Well done.

What are we looking at?

Going from the last one,

Jodhpur, Calcutta...

And then it gets slightly more fuzzy.

Bombay duck is that second one.

It's the bummalo fish or the lizard fish.

Why they needed another name

when they had two such delicious ones already, I don't know,

but it's known as Bombay duck. And the first one?

Bangalore, I think.

It's the Bangalore torpedo,

an explosive device.

All named after Indian cities. Well done.

That means, at the end of round one...

Onto round two, the sequences round.

This time, the teams may see a maximum of three clues

because I want to know what comes fourth.

Belgophiles, you'll be going first again. What would you like?

-Eye of Horus, please.

-The Eye of Horus.

OK, you will see the first in a sequence. What comes fourth?

Your time starts now.

-Could be anything.

-Yeah.

-OK. Next.

Something to do with the words, maybe.

INDISTINGUISHABLE

Shall we go for next? Next.

INDISTINGUISHABLE

-Something with 16?

-OK.

BELL

Er, something... 16 somethings.

I need to hear something specific

-and I'm going to give you another go.

-Um...

Four by four... A four-by-four, a car.

A four-by-four car, otherwise known as a Chelsea tractor,

I will accept.

It was 16, but it needs to be broken down, specifically,

-into four by four.

-Yeah.

Tell me about the clues we're looking at.

-Individually is one by one.

-Mm-hmm.

Sudoku subgrid is three by three.

-Mm.

-And crocodile, two by...

People walk two by two.

I had to take 16 because four by four works out as that

but you'd gone one step too far.

So, one by one, individually.

Two by two, a crocodile.

Three by three, that's the part of the sudoku

with just nine numbers in.

And four by four, the Chelsea tractor, is what we went for.

I don't think anybody knows why children walking two by two

are called a crocodile. If you know why, don't write in.

I've stopped caring already. The question's finished.

I simply don't care.

-Lapsed Physicists.

-Can we have Water, please?

-Yes, you may. Water.

What will come fourth in this sequence? Here's the first.

INDISTINGUISHABLE

It's the number of faces and the number of sides on the face.

-It's going down to the smallest.

-I don't know which way it's going.

Shall we go next?

Um, I think it's got four faces, three sides to a face.

-Go with that.

-BELL

We'll go with tetrahedron (4,3).

That is brilliant.

Coming in after one clue,

you get five points.

Our first one this series, in fact.

Very well done.

Perhaps you could explain to the viewers what's happening here.

Andrew.

So, a dodecahedron is the platonic solid with the second most faces.

It has 12 faces and they're all pentagons with five sides.

And the smallest one, in those terms, is a tetrahedron,

which is four triangles meshed together.

Beautifully explained. I couldn't have done it myself.

There are five platonic solids. We've missed off the first one.

We're getting smaller.

The dodecahedron, then the octahedron has eight sides,

six on a cube and four on a tetrahedron.

You gave me the right answer for the maximum points in this round.

-Very well done.

-Brilliant.

Back to you, Belgophiles,

-for a choice.

-Horned Viper, please.

OK, the snake for you.

What would come fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

Could be anything.

OK, next.

Bear, Winnie-the-Pooh. Young bear...

It's got to be a sequence.

OK, next.

When We Were Young, Winnie-the-Pooh, When We Were Six.

It's the AA Milne books but I can't think what the last one is.

I can't remember the name of the other book.

Piglet And Friends or something.

-Christopher Robin?

-Three seconds.

BELL

Christopher Robin.

Not the right answer, I'm afraid.

Lapsed Physicists, you have the chance of a bonus point.

I don't think we can contribute

anything further than Christopher Robin.

People at home will be shouting at the screen.

You are right, these are the AA Milne books

and they're going forwards, in terms of date.

It's the last words in the titles.

When We Were Very Young,

Winnie-the-Pooh, Now We Are Six

and The House At Pooh Corner.

-Of course.

-Of course.

Corner is what we wanted to hear.

Physicists, your turn for a question. What would you like?

-Twisted Flax, please.

-Twisted Flax.

What would come fourth in this picture sequence? Here's the first.

Next, please.

Next, please.

INAUDIBLE

BELL

We'll go with Tony Blair.

-Any why would that be?

-We...

I just had this thought in my head

that maybe they're Labour Prime Ministers

that have served for the longest time period.

That would not be the correct order

for that particular sequence.

Belgophiles, you have the chance of a bonus point.

-Theresa May?

-It IS Theresa May

and why would that be?

They're the Prime Ministers with the shortest names, getting shorter.

So, six letters, five letters,

four letters, three letters.

That's right. It's surname length.

It's numbers of letters in the surname.

Wilson, six letters.

Brown, five. Eden, four.

And we're looking for somebody with three letters. Theresa May.

Arguably the only one.

I don't know about Bonar Law.

Is it Law, is it Bonar Law?

The family name, I think, was Law, so he would have done as well.

Well done for the bonus point.

What if we'd gone the other way? Whose name has seven letters?

-Seven... Cameron.

-Cameron. Eight?

-Thatcher.

-Thatcher.

-Nine?

-Macmillan.

Yes, good! I was thinking of Callaghan. Ten?

-I was trying to count Callaghan.

-Ten?

H... Oh, no.

We could be here all night. Nobody.

There has been no Prime Minister with a ten-letter surname.

Very well done. You get the bonus

and you may have your own question.

What would you like?

-Two Reeds, please.

-Two Reeds.

What would come fourth in this sequence? Here's the first.

-Chocolates?

-Could be.

-I don't know.

-Next.

Dermot O'Leary.

-Presenters. It's Kate Thornton.

-Ah, presenters of what?

-Presenters of...

-The X Factor.

-Is it The X Factor, Xtra Factor, or whatever?

-Next.

Yeah, it's Caroline Flack and Olly Murs,

so it's the presenters of the X Factor, Xtra Factor,

but I don't know who does it now.

Is it that guy off The Only Way Is Essex?

Oh, Rylan. Just say Rylan.

BELL

-Rylan.

-You're thinking of Rylan Clark and it isn't him.

-Right.

But I probably would have taken Rylan if it had been.

Lapsed Physicists, do you want to have a go for a bonus?

We think it may be O'Leary again.

It IS O'Leary again.

Where did your opponents go wrong?

He came back after Caroline Flack and Olly Murs.

Dermot O'Leary is the answer.

You were thinking of The Xtra Factor, but this is the main show.

-Ah.

-The main X Factor. Kate Thornton hosted it, then Dermot O'Leary.

Flack and Murs were next

and then they brought the wonderful Dermot O'Leary back again in 2016.

Well done for a bonus, and you get the last question of the round,

the Lion question.

What is the fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

INDISTINGUISHABLE

Next, please.

The order in which each team has played Test matches? Um...

It's all on you then, if it's cricket.

I don't know. Can I have next, please?

It's going to be Pakistan...

Pakistan...

BELL

Go with 7th Pakistan,

8th Zimbabwe.

Not the answer, I'm afraid. A bonus chance for you, Belgophiles.

7th Pakistan, 8th Sri Lanka.

Is the right answer.

What is this sequence?

This is accession to the ranks

of Test playing in cricket.

That's exactly right. Test cricket debuts.

Obviously, England and Australia are joint first

because they played the first match.

These aren't people that played against each other,

so third was South Africa, fourth was West Indies.

We've just put them into pairs.

Sri Lanka was as late as 1982.

Zimbabwe would be ninth,

so you were unlucky there.

When was the Test cricket debuts of England and Australia?

When was the first Test match?

Er, 1878?

1877. But the first international match took place in 1844.

-Who played that one?

-USA, Canada, wasn't it?

It was USA, Canada. Weird cricket fact. Another interesting fact.

1977, they held a centenary match

to mark the centenary.

England and Australia played again.

It was exactly the same result.

Australia won by 45 runs.

Exactly the same result

as it had been 100 years before.

Well done. Good bonus point.

That means, at the end of round two...

Time for the world's worst four-by-four now,

the Connecting Wall.

You'll be going first this time, Lapsed Physicists,

so please choose Lion or Water.

Can we have Lion, please?

Yes, you have two and a half minutes to solve the Lion Wall,

starting now.

-They were electricals.

-They were. Tandy was one as well.

And...

What do you think the other one was?

Alba? They make electrical stuff.

BUZZ

Gaggle, Parliament, Flock and Murder are all groups of birds.

They're all collective nouns.

-So, shall we start with those?

-Yeah.

-A Gaggle.

BUZZ

A Paddling? Sounds like a likely one.

BUZZ

You haven't excluded Parliament.

-There we go.

-Marvellous.

-OK.

-Alba Square...

Jessica Chastain, Jessica Biel.

-We've got Jessicas in here, I think.

-Yeah.

-Let's go Lange...

-Tandy?

-Tandy?

Alba is a channel.

-BBC Alba, BBC Two...

-Oh, yeah.

BBC News and BBC Parliament.

We've got it.

And those are now defunct...

Are they defunct, are they?

They are, certainly.

They definitely are.

They're still going, I think.

I think you might be right.

Shall we go electrical retailers?

Yeah, that's fine.

-We happy with that?

-Yeah.

Yeah, I think so.

You've solved the Wall.

Very good quizzing.

That is four points immediately for the groups

and I can give you more if you tell me the connections.

The first group.

We think these are collective nouns for birds.

Yes, they are. Do you know what the birds are?

Murder is crows.

-A flock is the rest.

-Or geese.

A gaggle of geese.

-A paddling, maybe, of ducks.

-Well, it's a paddling...

When ducks are swimming, they're a paddling of ducks,

and then they're flying, they're a flock, apparently.

And what about the green group?

-They're Jessicas.

-Can you tell me anything else?

Actresses?

They're actresses called Jessica. Very well done.

And the next burgundy group, starting Bejam.

Electrical retailers...now defunct.

I'm afraid I can't take it.

They are defunct retailers, but it's not all electrical.

I think Comet and Rumbelows are electrical,

but Bejam was a frozen food emporium

and Presto was a supermarket chain,

so not electrical, I'm afraid.

What about the next group - Parliament, News, Alba, Two?

-They're BBC channels.

-They're all BBC channels.

Four points for the groups you found

and three for the connections. That is a total of seven.

Let's bring in the Belgophiles now

and give them the other Connecting Wall, the Water Wall,

and see how they fare solving it.

You've got two and a half minutes, of course. That time starts now.

OK, so they're types of large fish or whatever.

-Yeah, mammals, sea mammals.

-There's five of them.

BUZZ

BUZZ

-Types of moustache as well.

-Moustache.

-BUZZ

-Handlebar, Walrus...

-Moustaches, OK.

So, Walrus could be...

Leave Walrus out.

-There we are. OK.

-So, moustaches.

-Pencil, Walrus, Handlebar...

-Fu Manchu.

-Fu Manchu, OK.

-Case? Pillowcase, briefcase...

-Bookcase.

-Staircase and bookcase?

-Bookcase, yes. Try one of those.

-Shall we go for stair...?

-But try one of them first.

Let's just get it out the way.

There's parts of bicycles as well. So, staircase.

Staircase, bookcase, pillowcase, pencil case.

-BUZZ

-There's briefcase as well.

OK, so, we left Brief off there.

BUZZ

So, Stair and Brief, leave off Pencil.

-Well done.

-Three lives now.

Fu Manchu, Handlebar, Pencil, Walrus.

-And the rest are parts of a bike.

-A bicycle.

-Well done.

-You solved the Wall. Clinical.

You've got four points for the groups.

Let's see what you can do with the connections.

We'll start with the first blue group, Manatee.

-They are large sea mammals, aquatic mammals.

-They're marine mammals.

I don't really know how you pronounce any of those.

-Can you read them out?

-Sea lion.

-LAUGHTER

Manatee, dugong, narwhal.

Narwhal.

What about the green group? Book, Pillow, Brief, Stair.

-They precede "case".

-Simple as that. Can be followed by "case".

And the next one - Walrus, Fu Manchu, Handlebar, Pencil?

-Types of moustache.

-Types of moustache.

What about the next group -

Saddle, Pedal, Seat post, Fork?

-Parts of a bicycle.

-They are all parts of a bicycle.

That's another four points for the connections

and a bonus two for getting it all right. That is the maximum of ten.

Let's have a look at the scores, going into the final round.

Into round four, the missing vowels round,

where teams can win and lose points.

We've grouped well-known names, phrases and sayings

into connected groups of four,

taken out the vowels and squidged up the consonants.

Teams, you must tell me what are the disguised clues.

If you get it wrong by so much as one letter,

I will take a point away, so be careful. Fingers on buzzers.

I can tell you that the first group are all...

-Let's make America great again.

-For Ronald Reagan.

-Hope.

-Barack Obama.

-I'm with her.

-Hillary Clinton.

-I like Ike.

-For Dwight Eisenhower.

Next category.

Jam roly poly.

Queen of puddings.

No, sorry.

You lose a point. Physicists?

Eton mess.

Banoffee pie.

Next category.

Come on down.

Question or nominate?

We don't want to give you that.

Can I have a P, please, Bob?

Next category.

-Two plus two equals four.

-Yes, it does.

MUSIC SIGNALS END OF ROUND

No time to tell me that seven divided by two

equals three and a half

because the sound has come that signifies the end of the quiz.

And I can tell you that the winners and through to the next round,

with 25 points, are the Belgophiles.

In second place, with 21,

it's the lapsed Physicists.

Now, Physicists, in our new system,

the two highest-scoring losing teams

will go through to the next round.

You've got a good score. You may be back.

Belgophiles, we will definitely meet again. Very well done.

Thank you for playing.

And if you have ever been a contestant on Only Connect,

we'd like to hear from you.

Why not pop down to the studio and pay us a visit? It'll be fun.

Certainly nothing to worry about.

Do bring anyone who was on the show with you,

especially anyone who stood near the exposed pipes

under the ceiling tiles in the ground-floor dressing room.

We'll have a drink. It'll be fun.

I tell you what - for an extra bit of giggle, why not bring along

any recent medical records,

especially anything relating to asbestos.

We'll have a chat, we'll sign a couple of forms,

we'll talk about the old days.

Goodbye.