Footballers vs Draughtsmen Only Connect

Welcome to the semi-finals of Only Connect,

the show that asks more awkward questions than

an eight-year-old browsing the internet.

Two great teams have made their way here tonight but which side

is the Tim Henman that will crash out in the semi-finals?

And which the Andy Murray that will power through

and crash out in the final?

Let's see who's in contention.

On my right, Barry Humphrey, a psychology graduate

and IT consultant who plays the trumpet and the piano

and used to be in a school band with Lisa Stansfield.

Michael McPartland, a civil servant with an interest in Greek mythology,

who enjoys watching the Tour de France and professional wrestling.

And their captain, Jamie Turner,

a media science graduate who works for Wakefield city council

and once sat on Roy Walker's knee in a crowded taxi.

Though they support opposing sides,

they are united in their love of the game.

They are the Footballers.

Jamie, you've beaten the Second Violinists and the Cinephiles

so far.

What's your strategy for the semi-final?

Just have to try and answer as many questions as we can

and hope for the best.

Are there any questions you hope won't come up? Any areas you fear?

Personally, literature questions

but hopefully my team-mates will have that covered.

Well, let's hope there will be no books in tonight's show.

That's almost impossible but you never know.

You are facing on my left, Andy Tucker, a political analyst

and former diplomat who's a member of the Royal Commonwealth Society,

the Chartered Institute of Linguists, Winchester Russian Circle

and the Brittany Integration Association.

Steve Dodding, a keen skier and cyclist who works as a dental

surgeon and once played table tennis with Sir Patrick Moore.

And their captain, Iwan Thomas, a freelance science editor

and chartered chemist with a passion for rugby and cricket,

who once won a beautiful baby contest.

They're never too far away from a pint of bitter.

They are the Draughtsmen. Iwan, you beat the Joinees and the Numerists.

You had a nail-biting tie-breaker in your first heat.

Do you have any techniques ready for the semi-final?

No, just as they said, we'll answer as many questions as we can

and hope to do well.

Nobody will do well unless we start playing the quiz.

On with Round One, I simply want to know what is

the connection between four apparently random clues

and, of course, this being the semi-final, it's going to be

even harder than you've experienced so far, I'm delighted to say.

Footballers, you won the toss. You're going to be going first.

-Which hieroglyph would you like?

-Twisted Flax, please.

-OK.

It's the music question immediately.

The crossed fingers have not paid off. What is the connection?

Here is the first clue.

# Father wears his Sunday best. #

Madness, Our House. Next.

# I want to tell you a story from way back

# Truck on down and dig me, Jack. #

-Do you know it?

-No.

-Next, please.

# We've come a long way

# But we're not too sure where we've been. #

It's Take That. Never Forget Where You're Coming From.

-Never Forget.

-The next one?

-We're going to have to, yeah.

Next, please.

# Buddy, you're a young man, hard man shouting in the street

# Going to take on the world some day. #

It's We Will Rock You, Queen.

-What was the first one again?

-Our House.

-Five seconds.

-Are they all bands who have had musicals?

-Their songs are in musicals.

-Jukebox musicals.

-Jukebox musicals, yeah.

Jukebox musicals is exactly the term. I'll give it to you.

The songs we heard were actually the title tracks from jukebox

musicals, musicals which the plots been written to fit the songs.

That's what a jukebox musical is. What did we hear?

-Our House by Madness.

-Our House by Madness.

-We Will Rock You, Queen.

-Yeah.

-Take That. I'm not going to admit to knowing the title.

-Never Forget was their musical.

-And then one we didn't know.

-Five Guys Named Moe.

-Ah, right.

-Yes, jukebox musicals.

Musicals created by inventing a plot to fit around songs. Well done.

-OK, Draughtsmen, your turn.

-Eye of Horus, please.

Ah, picture question.

We're getting those novelty ones out of the way early.

What's the connection between these? Here's the first.

No idea who he is.

Next, please.

-That's Patty Hearst.

-People being kidnapped?

-Simbionese Liberation Army.

-Next.

Richard Nixon.

-Patty was his daughter, wasn't it? Yes.

-Shall we go with Patty?

-Yeah, go on.

-Patty.

Not the answer, I'm afraid, so I'm going to show the last clue

to the Footballers for a possible bonus.

Yes, it is, isn't it? They do it every Thanksgiving.

-They've all had Presidential pardons.

-That's right.

They've been pardoned by Presidents.

I think you were muttering there,

a turkey is pardoned every Thanksgiving.

This one, Pumpkin the turkey, pardoned by George Bush.

Richard Nixon there, pardoned by Gerald Ford.

-Do you know the other two?

-Patty Hearst is one of them.

That's why you said Patty. What's the story of Patty Hearst?

She was an heiress who got kidnapped and got made into a terrorist,

I think.

She took part in a bank robbery and was later pardoned.

They said she was suffering a sort of Stockholm Syndrome, having

fallen in with the group and hadn't really meant to commit a crime.

-First person, do you recognise him?

-No.

That's Brigham Young from the Mormon Church.

He was pardoned for his role in the Utah War.

All received Presidential pardons.

Well done for the bonus point and your turn to pick a question.

-Water, please.

-Water. What's the connection here? Time starts now.

-Poorhouse Fair?

-No idea.

-Next.

Ooh, it's a David Lodge novel, I think, but...

Next then, please.

How is that for you?

No, next, next.

-Ah.

-Sequels or...

No.

-Were they all banned?

-Ten seconds.

-Could be.

Do they all take place in a single day?

Three seconds.

I'm going to let Barry answer.

We think they all happen over the course of a single day.

They are novels in which the action takes place over a single day.

Very well done.

Ulysses should be the giveaway clue

and you recognise the David Lodge novel, the second clue.

-Don't know the other two?

-No idea.

-A Single Man is Christopher Isherwood.

That's the one that got made into a rather brilliant film with

Colin Firth in it.

-The Poorhouse Fair, do you know who wrote that?

-ALL: No.

-John Updike.

-Ah.

-All novels in which the action takes place in a day. Well done.

-Over to you, Draughtsman, to choose a hieroglyph.

-Lion, please.

-Lion.

What is the connection here? Time starts now.

That's the tail, so it's in two parts.

-Yeah, it's parallel to the body, rather than... Yeah.

-Next.

Nose of a dog. Also divided into two.

No, another one.

Try one more, please. Next.

Are they individual to all?

Like a fingerprint sort of thing, isn't it? Oh, yes.

Yeah, highly individual.

I think they are individual markers that are to a particular

individual of a species.

Absolutely right. I think you muttered about fingerprints there.

That would have been the last clue. The fingerprints of a human.

They are used to tell specimens apart because, for those creatures,

they would have individual flukes, noses, stripes and fingertips.

Well done.

-Back to you, Footballers.

-Two Reeds, please.

-OK, what's the connection?

Here's the first clue.

-Hang on, hang on.

-75.

Is it the last book that was written?

We'll have to go next. Next, please.

Oh, clearly not.

-Tour de France man?

-Er...

No, we're going to have to go next, aren't we? Next.

What?

-Ten seconds.

-Next.

-It's declared dead.

-Yeah, yeah.

I think they were declared dead on that day.

They were formally declared dead. They had obituaries published.

Hercule Poirot, that was published in the New York Times.

The Tour de France, that was after a drugs scandal.

Captain Birdseye, that was a way of killing off the character.

And English cricket was declared dead by an obituary in 1882.

What did they say would happen to the body?

I should know that one, but I don't know.

Oh, come on, what did they say would happen to the body?

They said it would be cremated and taken to Australia.

It would be cremated and the ASHES would be taken to Australia.

And they've been back and forth from Australia ever since.

No, they haven't. They've never left this country.

-Have they never left this country?

-Not the real ones, no.

-The Australians are very annoyed about that.

-Goodness me.

We could talk about this longer if I had the slightest interest

in cricket. Goodness me, never left this country,

but I'm sure there's something to do with the Ashes and they're

supposed to win things, and somebody gets them and let's move on.

Horned Viper is the only remaining question,

so that will be for you, Draughtsmen.

Let's see if you can get the points on this. Time starts now.

Paper? Are they double?

Check. Next, please.

-Is that Bora Bora?

-It might well be. Go for that.

-Shall we go for that?

-We need the points.

-We think they're double words.

-Prego Prego and Bora Bora.

-You need the points, you've got the points.

That's right. You did not need to see Dame Edna's birthplace,

Wogga Wogga, I think that's how you pronounce it. That's the birthplace.

-And the Black Forest spa town?

-Baden Baden.

-Yes, it is.

I've gambled there, happily, if losingly, many times.

This means the scores at the end of Round One see the Footballers

with four points but the Draughtsmen just ahead with five.

Hotly contested. On we go to Round Two, the Sequences Round.

Teams, I simply want to know what's fourth in a sequence.

And I say simply. It's actually more complicated

because you have to work out the connection in order to tell me.

Footballers, you'll be going first again. Which hieroglyph is it to be?

-Twisted Flax, please.

-Twisted Flax again.

What would the fourth clue be in this sequence? Here's the first.

Um.. We need something more. Next.

-No?

-Nothing?

-No.

-Next again.

Ah.

-Are they newspaper headlines to do...

-What else could it be?

I have no idea.

-Ten seconds.

-So, which way? Back together.

Three seconds.

Ashley and Cheryl split up.

Very reasonable guess but not the answer,

so there's a bonus chance for you, Draughtsmen.

-No, I think we're clueless.

-Wait a second.

I don't think you'll be able to get it.

They are headlines in the News of the World relating to Cheryl

and Ashley Cole.

The middle one is actually about Ryan Giggs and his wife and they're

moving towards the final headline of the News of the World which was?

-Does anybody know?

-Thank you and goodbye, yeah.

You know now cos it's just come up.

The final headline was thank you and goodbye

and those were the three which preceded it so no points there.

-Draughtsmen, your turn to choose.

-Horned Viper, please.

-Horned Viper.

These are going to be picture clues.

What would you expect to see in the final picture? Here's the first.

-Stiles.

-Nobby Stiles?

-Yeah, carry on.

-Next.

-Wilson.

-Gordon Banks.

A picture of a bank.

A picture of several banks.

It's just too easy, isn't it, when we get on to sport?

A picture of some banks, and why is that?

You've got Stiles,

who was number four in the England World Cup-winning side in 1966.

Wilson, Ray Wilson. I think that's Leonard Cohen.

Leonard Cohen himself did not play in that World Cup-winning team.

I think he was injured that day.

George Cohen, I believe took the number two shirt.

And the goalkeeper, Gordon Banks, so banks is the last one.

Very well done. Three points again for coming in after two clues.

Back to you then, Footballers,

gnashing your teeth at a football question that has been missed.

-What would you like?

-Water, please.

-Water.

OK, what's the fourth in this sequence? Here's the first.

Next, please.

-Francis Drake's ship.

-Yeah. Are they on coins?

-No, they're not on coins, are they?

-We'll have to go.

-Next then.

-They are on coins.

-Pictures of various bits of...

-Ten seconds.

-They're not on notes, are they?

-I don't think they're notes. They're coins if anything.

-Three seconds.

-Go on then.

-Press!

The portcullis thing.

A portcullis is exactly what I wanted to hear. And why is that?

-Some coins going up in denomination.

-They're pre-decimal coins.

-All right.

-Yes, the wren was on the farthing.

The Golden Hind on a half penny, Britannia on the penny,

so the portcullis would have been on?

-The threepenny bit?

-The threepenny bit, exactly.

Pre-decimal coins of increasing value.

That's the image you would have seen on them. Well done.

-Back to you, Draughtsmen.

-Two Reeds, please.

-Two Reeds.

What's the fourth in this sequence? Here's the first.

Next.

It's not war breaking out, is it? First World War, Second World War?

-Not the quarter days, is it?

-No.

7th of the 7th. 2nd of the 5th.

Next.

4th March. They're about six months apart.

-Ten seconds.

-4, 3, 7, 9.

2, 5.

Three seconds.

-4, 3.

-No time to chat. What's the answer?

-3rd March.

3rd March is not the answer. There's a bonus chance for the Footballers.

-1st May.

-It's not the 1st May.

Now, somebody evil went for a long lunch after

they thought of this question.

The second letter of May is A. The seventh letter of September is B.

Fourth letter of March is C. So I wanted to hear 1st December.

The only month with a D in it and its first letter is D.

Horrible, isn't it, in a brilliant sort of way?

No points there then. Footballers, back to you for a choice.

-Eye of Horus, please.

-Eye of Horus. What's the fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

Next.

-Um.

-Names of...

-Yeah, it's got to be names of...

-No, keep going.

Yeah, next then.

They're not old names for Luxembourg or...

-I think it's going to be something like that.

-Oh, hang on.

Ten seconds.

-I'd go for Luxembourg.

-Yeah, go for it.

-Luxembourg.

-No, it's not.

Always good for a go, isn't it, old Luxembourg? That's not it.

-Draughtsmen, do you know?

-We'll try Belgium.

-Not Belgium either.

What's your thinking?

We think it might be all the names in chronological order.

-I think these are bits of Caesar's conquests.

-Ah!

-I wasn't being listened to.

-That's more the sort of thing.

Yes, they're provinces in the Roman Empire.

We're going down the coast of continental Europe

and next would be Aquitania.

-We would have got it anyway.

-But you knew it was a bit Roman?

-Yes.

But most things in quizzes are either Luxembourg or a bit

Roman, aren't they, unless it's a sports question? And even then.

No points there then

and the Lion question remains for the Draughtsmen.

What's the fourth in this sequence. Here's the first.

It's the robotic laws of Isaac Asimov. We're looking for the third.

Must protect itself. The first one is... Protect itself.

-Shall we carry on?

-Yes, next please.

Protect itself.

Is that the third one?

Ten seconds.

-Third, protect itself.

-That's absolutely it.

You skipped over second, obey humans.

Third, protect self and why is that?

We think they are Asimov's rules of robotics.

That's exactly what they are, trying to fool us

into thinking robots and computers want to do anything other

than protect themselves, take over the world and enslave us all.

The laws say that, initially, protect humanity, obey humans

and then protect itself.

Very well done.

At the end of Round Two, the Footballers have got six points.

The Draughtsmen are ahead with 11.

Time now for some fiendish semi-final connecting walls.

Draughtsmen, you have the dubious pleasure of going first.

-You've got a choice. Lion or Water?

-We'll take the Lion, please.

OK, the Lion Wall.

You've got two and a half minutes to solve it starting now.

Wark is a footballer. Paxman, Snow.

Kirsty Wark is quiz show host.

-Paxman is a quiz show host.

-Snow.

-Newsnight, isn't it?

-Esler.

-No, it's too obvious, that.

-Greylag goose.

-Canada.

-Snow goose possibly?

-Maitlis is a Newsnight presenter as well.

-Sorry, we're on geese.

-Right, we've got the geese.

-We're going to go for Kirsty Wark.

-Yeah, Maitlis.

-Gavin Esler.

-Esler.

-Paxman? Try it.

That's too obvious, isn't it?

-Tusa was a newsreader at one time, John Tusa.

-OK.

Pear drop, acid drop, chocolate drop, cough drop.

-Three lives now. Press with care.

-Isuzu is a car.

-Iveco is a truck company.

-Two truck companies.

Esler. Maitlis. Wark.

We don't want Paxman. We tried that.

John Tusa, Wark, Maitlis and Paxman.

Yeah, but then do we know what the last one is?

It must be a truck because they wouldn't put it in there.

-Shall we try Iveco, Paxman, Tusa and Isuzu?

-Yeah.

-Cummins worries me cos I don't recognise Cummins.

-Maitlis.

-You've got a minute left.

-Plenty of time.

Those two are definite, aren't they? They can't be anything else.

-So what could be a vehicle?

-Cummins is a vehicle.

Tusa could be an acronym.

So it's one of these two.

-We've tried that one.

-Yeah.

-Could be Wark, I suppose. Shall we try Wark?

-We've got to go for it now, haven't we?

-Two lives now and 30 seconds.

Try Cummins or Maitlis.

-Try Paxman.

-Why don't we have just the presenters?

Do you want to take those out? We haven't got time.

-We haven't got time. OK. Right, you're the boss.

-No, that's it.

You've had your three lives. The wall has frozen.

So two points for the groups you found.

Can you tell me the connection in the blue group?

-Those are all types of geese.

-Types of geese. What about the next group?

-Cough, Acid, Chocolate and Pear?

-They can all precede 'drop'.

Drops, types of drop. OK, and you can still, of course,

get points for the connections in the groups you didn't find

so let's resolve the wall.

-Tell me about the pink group.

-Oh, we almost did it.

Presenters of Newsnight.

They are past and present presenters of Newsnight.

Kirsty Wark, Gavin Esler, John Tusa, Emily Maitlis.

-And the last one, the other blue group?

-They are truck companies.

-Motor manufacturers.

-There's a word I'd love to hear.

-Lorries?

-Isuzu were...

-I'll give it to you. It's much of a muchness.

They're engine brands.

Diesel engine brands, but truck companies, I suppose,

is close enough.

So, two points for the groups you found

and you did get all four connections. That's a total of six.

Time to bring in their opponents now and give them

the other fiendish semi-final connecting wall which will,

of course, have different clues on it.

Footballers, in a chilling echo of my hotel mini bar,

there's nothing left but Water. That's what you'll be getting.

Two and a half minutes to solve this wall starting now.

What have we got?

Day of reckoning, day of rest, day of action.

-Go for it.

-Yeah.

-Atonement was an Ian McKellen film.

-So is Amsterdam. OK.

-What else have you got?

-I don't know the other two.

-Solar panel, pools panel.

-Oh, lovely. Wall panel.

And repulse panel? I've never heard of a repulse panel.

No, there isn't one.

-Calcutta sounds filmy.

-Go on.

No, we're not doing well here, are we?

-What's Arniston? Possibly an Ian McKellen film.

-Um, OK.

Right, solar flare. No. Come on, what else have we got?

We must have another panel there.

Rocker.

-Arniston panel.

-What's an Arniston panel?

-Let's have a look.

-About halfway through the time.

-No, it doesn't exist.

-Instrument panel.

Yeah. Close. Actually, I do like instrument panel.

Let's think what Black Dogs could be.

-Anything word related?

-No.

It's not to do with depression.

A black dog is depression but not black dogs.

-I'm liking your panels but...

-It's just finding the others.

Well, let's try hitting some like that.

No.

No, no.

-No, come on. What have we forgot? Try Ian McEwan.

-You've got 30 seconds.

No.

No.

-Could Black Dogs be Ian McEwan?

-Maybe.

-It's a possibility.

-No.

Not looking good. Not at all.

-Ten seconds.

-Arniston. No.

Just a few seconds now.

That's it, I'm afraid.

You're out of time, but you found a group

and I'll give you another point if you can tell me the connection.

Day of.

Day of rest, day of reckoning, day of the dead, day of action.

Very good. More points available, so let's resolve the wall.

-See if you can tell me the connection in that green group.

-Ah.

-We're going to go for your novels, no?

-No.

I think you're nowhere near this to be honest with you.

These are East Indiamen vessels.

They are ships used by the East India Company.

-I think out of your comfort zone, the ships there.

-Yes.

What about this next one, Solar, Saturday, Black Dogs and Atonement?

We'll go for Ian McEwan novels for that.

You said you hoped that fiction and novels wouldn't come up.

They are indeed novels by Ian McEwan, so you get that point.

Well done.

And what about this last one, Wall, Pools, Rocker, Instrument?

-They were panels.

-They are panels.

Rocker panel, I think you weren't familiar with. Part of a car.

But you found one group and you got three more connections

so that's four points.

Let's see how that leaves the scores.

The Footballers have got ten points. The Draughtsmen are ahead with 17.

Nevertheless, everything may be decided by Round Four.

Missing Vowels o'clock. Fingers on buzzers, teams.

The first group are all fairies.

-Footballers.

-Iolanthe.

-Correct.

-Footballers.

-Oberon.

-Correct.

Don't know this one? It's Spencer's Gloriana. Next clue.

-Footballers.

-Sugar Plum Fairy.

-Correct.

Next category, subtitles of movie sequels.

No, this is Bridget Jones' Diary, The Edge Of Reason. Next clue.

No, it's a tough category.

This one's Tomb Raider, the Cradle of Life. Next clue.

-Draughtsmen.

-On The Rocks.

-Correct. From Arthur.

-Draughtsmen.

-The Sequel.

-Yes, it's Airplane.

Next category, foods and their North American name.

-Footballers.

-Aubergine and Eggplant.

-Correct.

-Footballers.

-Courgette and Zucchini.

-Correct.

-Footballers.

-Coriander and Cilantro.

-Correct.

-Draughtsmen.

-Biscuit and Cake.

-I'm afraid you lose a point.

-Do you want to have a go, Footballers?

-Biscuit and Cookie.

Yes, it is. Next category, lines from the Lord's Prayer.

Footballers.

-But lead us... No.

-I'm afraid you lose a point. Draughtsmen. Too long.

But Deliver Us From Evil. Next clue.

-Draughtsmen.

-Thy Will Be Done.

-Correct.

-Footballers.

-And Lead Us Not Into Temptation.

-Correct.

-Footballers.

-Our Father, Who Art In Heaven.

-Correct.

Next category, newspaper...

END-OFROUND MUSIC PLAYS

But we're not going to see the next category

because that bell is the end of the quiz.

Oh my goodness, after a great Round Four,

the Footballers are up to 18 points

but the Draughtsmen with 19 are the winners and through to the final.

Very well done, Draughtsmen.

And Footballers, what a series you've had.

-You'll be back, of course, for the third place play-offs.

-Yes.

A very glorious position, but just one point away from the final.

So we'll be seeing all of you again and I hope we'll see you again.

Please join me next time for another episode for the quiz that's

more diabolical than Moriarty and he was the Napoleon of crime.

Good bye.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd