Footballers vs Wordsmiths Only Connect

Hello. What do these four things have in common?

The DVLA in Swansea, the British Saddleback pig,

the Albion pub in London, Alex Guttenplan.

That's right. I'm not allowed within 100 yards of any of them.

And it's solving riddles like that that's brought tonight's

teams all the way to this glory, the Only Connect third-place play-offs.

Let's see who's here to fight like primitive man over bronze.

On my right, Barry Humphrey, an IT consultant and amateur

dramatics enthusiast who once went to Argentina to film a quiz show,

but thought his trip to Cardiff for Only Connect was just as much fun.

Michael McPartland, a civil servant and heavy metal fan whose

proudest moment was scoring 180 in a game of darts.

And their captain, Jamie Turner, a traffic technician and supporter

of Huddersfield FC who once worked as a roadie for the Bachelors.

All huge football fans, they're the Footballers.

Jamie, you narrowly lost the semifinal to the Draughtsmen.

-Looking forward to this game?

-Very much so.

Hopefully we can chalk up one last decent performance.

-Very important to come third.

-Yeah.

Better than first, it shows a certain humility and yet,

-better than fourth.

-We don't want to show off. This is our level.

Your opponents tonight are, on my left, Brian Pendreigh,

a journalist and novelist who attended Mel Gibson's Oscar party in the year Braveheart won.

Chris Brewis, a member of Amnesty International who plans

charity events for the CRU and is a committed Joni Mitchell fan.

And their captain, Dave Taylor, a retired transport manager who has

a house full of reference books and enjoys tackling cryptic crosswords.

United by their love of the written word, they are the Wordsmiths.

Dave, you lost your semifinal to the Scribes.

How do you feel about these footballing opponents?

Well, they're a lot younger than we are and on our past

performances on the missing vowels round, I suspect that we're doomed.

That's the kind of fighting talk I like! Let's get on with the quiz.

Round One, of course, what's the connection between four apparently random clues?

Footballers, you won the toss, so it's your chance

to choose a hieroglyph.

-The Horned Viper, please.

-OK, the Horned Viper. What's the connection?

Here's the first clue.

Right.

THEY CONFER

Next, please.

It's fictional characters and their worth in billions.

-Ah!

-Artemis Fowl is very rich.

So it's fictional characters and how much they're worth.

OK.

-In millions?

-Billions.

-In billions, OK.

BELL

I think fictional characters and their worth in billions.

As calculated by Forbes magazine.

It is the worth in billions of fictional characters.

You didn't even need to see Scrooge McDuck

and Rich Uncle Pennybags from Monopoly.

2.6 billion. If you had 44.1 billion, what would you do with it?

That's a great question. Buy an island.

Because I can now tell you that the prize for tonight is nothing at all.

Three points, well done. Over to the Wordsmiths to choose a hieroglyph.

-The Eye of Horus, please.

-The Eye of Horus. What's the connection?

Here's the first clue.

-Combined English Universities.

-Cricket teams?

-Shall we go for the next one?

-Go for the next one.

You can take a chance.

Next, please.

-Ah.

-Oh.

THEY CONFER

Next, please.

-Calais.

-Calais.

THEY CONFER

Next, please.

Five seconds.

Two seconds.

BELL They're all cricket teams, apart from the last three.

I didn't even know the first one was a cricket team.

But that's not the connection I'm looking for.

-Footballers, you have a bonus chance.

-No. it's got us stumped.

-No.

-No.

-They are all former UK parliamentary constituencies.

Calais was one, round about the 14th century, for a while.

Kensington Chelsea, that's been split into two.

All of them former constituencies of the UK.

No bonus points then. Footballers, your turn.

Twisted Flax, please.

Twisted Flax, the music question. You look so pleased(!)

We've had it every time!

Your experience is getting better and better.

What's the connection between the clues you're about to hear?

The first one coming in now.

It's a bit slow. No, next.

What's this?

THEY CONFER

-Next.

-Yeah. Next, please.

We're going to have to have the last one. Go for the next.

Children Of The Revolution.

Ten seconds.

-Revolutions, maybe?

-Go for it.

BELL

-Revolution?

-Not the answer. Possible bonus for the Wordsmiths.

-Children.

-It is children. The clues were

Schumann's Kinderszenen, Scenes From Childhood, Children

from Robert Miles, the Cakewalk from Debussy's Children's Corner...

And Children Of The Revolution, my men tell me!

You recognise Children Of The Revolution? Bit late for you!

-Well done. Wordsmiths, your question.

-Two Reeds, please.

Two Reeds.

What's the connection between these clues? Here's the first.

-It's going to be Heston Blumenthal.

-Yeah.

THEY CONFER

-Let's go for it.

-BELL

-Go on, then. Heston Blumenthal.

-Too soon!

I love your bravery, coming in after just one clue, but too soon.

I'm going to show the other clues to the Footballers.

You've got a chance of a bonus point if you can tell me the connection.

-Oof!

-Created for a bet? I'm just guessing.

-I can't give you too long.

-They were all created for a bet?

-Yeah, go on.

-Created for a bet.

They weren't all created for a bet. No.

They are all prepared at the table.

That first one is Heston Blumenthal, bacon and egg ice cream

frozen with liquid nitrogen at the table,

crepes Suzette, steak tartare,

you're meant to make it yourself with the ingredients,

and the original Caesar salad, invented in the '20s by Cardini.

All prepared tableside. So no bonus points.

-Footballers, your turn.

-Water, please.

-Water.

These are picture clues. What links them? Here's the first.

THEY CONFER

Next.

Cockerel?

I don't know the first one. Next, please.

What are them?

Icing, is it?

-I don't know. Next.

-Next.

-What?

-Venetian blind.

-They...

-Ten seconds.

I think... I think they're all named after places

that they've got nothing to do with.

-Three seconds.

-BELL

-We think...

-We...

-Go on, say it.

-No, you say it.

We think they're named after places that they did not originate from.

I'm afraid that's not the answer so, Wordsmiths, you have a bonus chance.

We thought that as well.

We need to go quickly.

They are all named after cities.

Come on.

In Italy.

Yes! They're all named after Italian cities.

Where you went wrong there,

Footballers, is that a milliner,

originally from Milan-a,

actually is where they came from.

Milan was rather a fancy goods place so the hatter's from there.

The Leghorn chickens

came via the port of Livorno

and, "What are those?",

you said of the third picture.

You don't recognise the delicious

Florentine biscuit? Florence, lovely.

More partial to a Jaffa cake, then?

I like a Florentine.

Milliner, Leghorn,

Florentine, Venetian -

all named after cities in Italy.

Wordsmiths, you get the bonus point

and the final question, Lion.

What is the connection between these clues?

Here's the first.

THEY CONFER INDISTINCTLY

Uncle Mac, yeah.

-Shall we take the next one?

-I think we'd better, yeah.

The next one, please.

Yeah, Mac and Mae, so it's Macs.

Federal Home Loan Mortgage Corporation is Mac.

-They are all Macs.

-Yeah.

BELL

-They're all Macs.

-Yes, they are.

This time your early buzzing scoops you three points.

-Who's Derek McCulloch?

-Uncle Mac.

-Uncle Mac from Children's Hour.

-Just my era.

-And, yes -

Federal Home Loan Mortgage

Corporation, you were saying,

Mac and Mae, yes,

it's Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae.

-Scotch and ginger wine is what?

-Whisky Mac.

Mm, delicious, and the first Apple computer by Jonathan Ive, the iMac.

Well buzzed - Mac is the connection.

That means at the end of Round One,

the Footballers have got three points,

the Wordsmiths are ahead with five.

On to Round Two, the sequences.

This time the teams must work out the connection then tell me

what would be fourth in the sequence.

Footballers, you'll be going first again. What's it to be?

-Lion, please.

-Lion, OK. Picture clues immediately.

What would you expect to see in the fourth picture? Here's the first.

-Where?

-DVLA.

-Where's that?

-It's in Swansea.

-Where?

It's not Alex Guttenplan, is it?

-Next, please.

-What is it?

-DVLA, Swansea.

-Oh, right.

-AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

-It's a Tamworth pig, isn't it?

-Yeah. Next thing.

It is, it is! That is annoying.

It's Alex Guttenplan.

Let's have a look at that beautiful picture.

Why is it Alex Guttenplan?

Because that was your opening gambit.

Yes. I'm not allowed within

100 yards of any of them.

The DVLA in Swansea,

the British Saddleback pig,

the Albion pub -

I hope they're watching -

and lovely Alex Guttenplan is the answer, as he is to so many things.

Well done.

Wordsmiths, your question.

The Eye Of Horus, please.

The Eye Of Horus. What's the fourth in this sequence? Here's the first.

More resistant to scratching...

Next, please.

Improved in health...

Next, please.

Having greater velocity...

-Faster.

-Better...

Oh, it's...

-It's the Olympic thing.

-Yeah - Citius, Altius, Fortius.

Bigger. Bigger. BELL

It's not further, is it?

Being taller than.

Tell me what you mean by that.

-Sort of being stronger than.

-Stronger.

If you think that being taller than

automatically means stronger

then I will take the answer.

Thank you very much.

-What is the connection?

-It's the Olympics.

Do you know, it's not the Olympics?

I'm surprised that you lads wouldn't

recognise the 2001 Daft Punk song Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger.

It may have been used subsequently as mottos

but these are words to describe

those words in that song title,

but you've actually calculated

your way there with a different sort of lateral thinking.

So harder, better, faster, stronger,

I was looking for something for stronger.

We went for

more physically powerful, taller,

I suppose, if you meant stronger,

we'll take, so well done.

And back to you, Footballers,

-to pick a question.

-Twisted Flax.

Twisted Flax, OK. What is the fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

-I... Next.

-All right, next.

Eight, four, two, one.

-Un-ion?

-Union? Do we reckon something like that?

-Go for it.

-Go for it?

-Yeah, why not?

-Yeah?

BELL

Union?

I'm afraid that's not the answer

so I must show the third

in the sequence to the Wordsmiths.

Possible bonus chance.

-Uh... Real number.

-Oh, goodness, it is real number!

Where did that come from?

It came from him.

You'd call it

normed division algebra.

A real number,

something we recognise, you know,

-3 or 12 or something like that, complex number, a pair of them

and as you multiply upwards, a quaternion... Octonion,

for example, the coordinates

of an eight-dimensional room.

I won't try and draw that for you.

Very well done.

But you gave me the right answer

so well done for the bonus

and you get the chance

to choose a question.

-Horned Viper, please.

-Horned Viper. What's the fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

It's the Olympics, isn't it?

Better get the next one. Next, please.

-Yeah, it's the Olympics.

-Yeah, I know, but what's the sequence?

You're going up 24 years at a time...

'82, '96?

-Next, please.

-We'll do the next.

Yeah, there's no logic to it.

-They all end in...

-2012 London?

2012 London is the obvious guess.

-Ten seconds.

-It'll be...

-Yeah, four between them, yeah.

-BELL

2012, London.

Not the answer, I'm afraid,

so Footballers,

-you have the bonus chance.

-2004, Athens.

That is correct. Why is it correct?

-It's the second time they've held the Olympics.

-That is it.

Cities that have hosted the Summer Olympics a second time

and next after Los Angeles would be Athens in 2004.

Well done, Footballers,

your chance to choose.

-Two Reeds, please.

-Two Reeds.

What is the fourth in this sequence? Here's the first.

Next, please.

-Nothing.

-Next again, please.

High = V?

Hang on, is it something about the words?

It must be.

Um... G...

-Ten seconds.

-Um... Oh.

-High velocity...?

-Three seconds.

-BELL

-Say something, Jamie.

VICTORIA LAUGHS

Planet = M.

Ooh, that's...not be answer,

I'm afraid, so Wordsmiths,

bonus chance for you.

Well, we are absolutely convinced it's Low = Z.

-That it's what?

-Low = Z.

No, although it is the right letter,

it is Z. Sky = Z, or, in fact, Zee.

Now, this is horrible.

You know the song

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?

You may or may not as a child

have heard it - I know I did -

as The Alphabet Song. Oh, right.

# A-B-C-D-E-F-G... # Same tune.

Now, if you sing the whole of that to the same tune,

where you get to "sky"

in Twinkle Twinkle you get to Z,

or to the American Zee,

so that it rhymes.

Sky = Z. Absolutely horrific.

I'm sure you're sorry you came.

That leaves one question,

Wordsmiths.

It's hidden behind the Water Glyph.

What's the fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

-Nobel Peace Prize?

-Next, please.

Coolidge, not obvious.

Died in office. No, he didn't.

He didn't, I don't think. Next.

Next, please.

No, it's WW, CC, HH.

-So it's the next one.

-Ronald Reagan?

Just take time to work out if there's anyone in between.

I Think it's probably Ronald Reagan.

-Ten seconds.

-I think Ronald Reagan.

-Yeah, go for Reagan.

-BELL

-Ronald Regan.

-The answer is Ronald Reagan.

It is alliterative American presidents.

WW, CC, HH and the next alliterative president was Ronald Reagan

so well done, Wordsmiths.

That means, at the end of Round Two,

the Footballers have got six points, the Wordsmiths are ahead with ten.

What's next in the sequence after Round Two?

Why, goodness me, it's Round Three, the Connecting Wall.

Wordsmiths, you are going to be going first this time

and you've got a choice - Lion or Water.

-Water, please.

-Water.

You have got 2½ minutes to solve this wall starting...

Now.

-Coriolis effect, Doppler effect, Domino effect...

-Greenhouse effect.

Try that, yeah.

BUZZ

-It must be Doppler.

-Butterfly.

Butterfly effect, yeah.

Chris, do those five.

There's songs in here as well.

Must be Coriolis.

-BUZZ

-No.

-Coriolis must be in there.

-Butterfly.

-Butterfly.

BUZZ

Sarah Ferguson, Tim Laurence... Names, Dave?

Sarah Ferguson, Sophie Rhys-Jones must be together.

Tim Laurence is married to Princess Anne.

BUZZ Do you want to try that one?

Yeah, try that first.

OK, so you can have one of those. What else have we got?

-Wherever You Are...?

-It's a song.

Forget You must be a song.

Fireflies is a song.

-What about Tyndall?

-Smoke effect?

We can have smoke effects.

You can have smoke effects, yeah.

-Right.

-Doppler and Coriolis...

Doppler and Coriolis must be in there.

-BUZZ

-Try Domino.

-BUZZ

-Try butterfly.

-BUZZ

-Keep going on that.

-Yeah.

Right, Tyndall's a name. What else could it be?

Doppler could be a name. What was Doppler's first name?

Gustav or something.

Right, which...?

-Domino is also a song.

-BUZZ

Domino is also song.

Wherever You Are, Forget You, Fireflies and Domino.

Three lives now.

-We need to be careful here.

-We haven't got that much time.

Tyndall. Tyndall effect? Calico...

-Oh, sorry.

-Keep going.

-We'll stop at...

-So Calico, Tyndall...

-You've got 30 seconds.

-30 seconds, we need to get going.

-Calico?

-Try Greenhouse.

It's going to be an effect.

Calico and Tyndall. What are they likely to...?

-We've got to go with Beauty.

-We've got three lives. Come on.

-Ten seconds.

-BUZZ

-BUZZ

-One more life.

No, that's it. The grid has frozen

but you found two groups. What about the connections?

Lawrence, Rhys-Jones, Ferguson, Middleton.

They're all married to Royals.

They're surnames of people who have married into the Royal family.

Fireflies, Domino, Wherever You Are, Forget You.

-According to my man, they're all songs.

-They are all number ones.

-More specific?

-Oh, I'll take it.

I know you're people who don't like music after 1970

and they're all, in fact, all number ones from 2010 onwards.

From after 1970.

That's exactly right. Fireflies by Owl City.

Forget You is Cee Lo Green, Domino is Jessie J

and surely you know Wherever You Are.

It's the Military Wives Choir.

They are number one singles and you can still get connecting points

for the groups you didn't find so let's resolve the wall.

-Tyndall, Doppler, Coriolis, Greenhouse.

-Effects.

-They are all effects.

-Those are the effects in science.

You weren't sure about Tyndall -

it's a sort of optical effect that affects blue light.

Coriolis effect, do you know that one?

That's the wind whistling round...

The force caused by the Earth's rotation. Those are the effects.

And the last one, Butterfly, Smoke, Beauty, Calico.

-Spots?

-American?

-I can't give you long.

-They're all spots.

No, now, you're not gardeners. These are all bushes.

A Butterfly bush, Smoke bush, a Beauty bush, a Calico bush.

You can grow them all as bushes. But you found two groups,

you got three connecting points - that's five.

Time to load up a new Connecting Wall.

Shove it with fresh clues and throw them at the Footballers.

Footballers, remaining in its lair is the Lion wall.

That's what you'll be getting.

2½ minutes to solve it starting now.

-Right.

-The Silence were a Doctor Who enemy, so were Weeping Angels.

-Right, we've got Maggots, Tadpoles, Caterpillars, Nymph.

-Or Grub.

-BUZZ

-Grub, Caterpillar...

-BUZZ

-Nope. What else we got?

Alphabetical. Take Caterpillar out.

-BUZZ

-No.

-BUZZ

-Ah, hang on - streets.

Queer Street, Civvy Street, Easy Street...

And... Oh.

-And... Grub Street.

-Next one. That's got rid of Grub, which is good.

Let's try it again. And we've got...

-Nymph, Caterpillar, Maggot, Tadpole.

-BUZZ

-We've done that.

-Wriggler as well.

Wriggler, Maggot, Tadpole, Nymph.

BUZZ Remember your Doctor Who villains.

-Yeah. Oh, sorry, yeah - what do you want on that?

-The Silence...

The Silence, Weeping Angels... I don't know the other two.

-Little Monster and Smiler.

-Ood was one.

-What about Smiler?

BUZZ Keep going through those three

-if you think they're right.

-Right.

-BUZZ Go on.

-Right, keep...

Sorry. What are you doing?

-BUZZ

-Right. Hang on, let me have a think about some others.

-You're about halfway through the time.

-Are we, now? Right.

Think what Little Monster could mean.

Little Monster...

-Oh, lovely.

-Excellent.

-Three lives now.

-We've done...

-Hang on. I know it. I think I know it.

Well, Caterpillar, Tadpole and Maggot are all...

Yeah, well, that's what I was thinking.

Yeah, yeah, so will it be Wriggler?

We tried that. Think we have.

And the others would be...

-Do you have any idea on them?

-Well, I presume it's...

Go for it, go for it.

You've got three so go on.

Well, you might be right then we don't need to do the last one.

-BUZZ

-No.

-Two lives.

-Any idea what connects any of these?

-No.

Caterpillar track? No? Caterpillar anything else?

-Is there a wordy one? Anything in the middle of them?

-Um...no.

We're going to have to start doing these then, aren't we?

Maggot, you're going to have to go Nymph.

-BUZZ

-Yeah. Oh, one more!

-One life.

Careful, careful.

Right.

Young ones?

-Ten seconds.

-We're going to have to do that.

No, that's not it.

The wall's frozen, but you found two groups.

What about the connections? Grub, Civvy, Easy, Queer.

-They're all streets.

-You can put a street after all of them.

Macra, The Silence, Ood, Weeping Angels.

-They're all Doctor Who baddies.

-They are villains in Doctor Who.

You didn't know Macra - giant crustaceans, delicious with butter.

All Doctor Who villains.

Now, you can still get a connecting point

for the groups you didn't find so let's resolve the wall.

Smiler, Pethead, Little Monster, Maggot.

-Nicknames of...

-Of?

Oh, hang on - they're not in Goldie Lookin Chain, are they?

-They could be, yeah.

-Go on, say that then.

-Goldie Lookin Chain.

I'm afraid that's not it although it is musical.

They are fans of particular music.

Smiler is a fan of Miley Cyrus, Pethead, of course,

are the Pet Shop Boys, Little Monster, fans of Lady Gaga

and Maggots are fans of,

apparently there's a heavy metal band called Slipknot.

I'm sure that's lovely.

And the last group - Nymph, Caterpillar, Wriggler, Tadpole.

-Larvae.

-Young versions of...

That's it, they are larval creatures. That's it.

So you found two groups and three connections, that's five.

Let's see how the scores look as we go into the final round.

The Footballers have got 11 points, the Wordsmiths are ahead with 15.

Now, here's a funny thing.

I've just found out that apparently

you can play Connecting Walls on our website

and even write your own - who knew? Anyway, that's there.

We are going to play Round Four - missing vowels.

And this is where the all-important third place will be decided.

So fingers on buzzers, teams.

The first group are all fictional languages.

Don't know this one? From Harry Potter it's parseltongue. Next clue.

-BELL

-Footballers.

-Klingon.

-Yes, of course.

-BELL

-Footballers?

-Newspeak.

-Correct.

Oh, come on, Wordsmiths - it's from The Flowerpot Men. Oddle Poddle.

Next category government information slogans.

-BELL

-Wordsmiths?

-Keep Britain tidy.

-Correct.

You don't remember the AIDS campaign "Don't die of ignorance". Next clue.

-BELL

-Footballers?

-"Clunk click every trip".

-Correct.

No? This one's the old gas privatisation.

"If you see Sid, tell him."

Next category, films released with posthumous performances.

-BELL

-Wordsmiths?

-Rebel Without A Cause.

-Correct.

Teams, you are struggling.

This is the last film of Heath Ledger -

The Imaginarium Of Doctor Parnassus. Next clue.

-BELL

-Footballers?

-Queen Of The Damned.

-Correct.

-BELL

-Footballers?

-Enter The Dragon.

-For Bruce Lee, correct.

Next category, artworks that contain found objects.

END OF ROUND JINGLE

Our teams are not in an arty mood. That was Marcel Duchamp's Fountain.

But that bell means the end of the quiz and it's a really close one.

The Footballers have got 16 points,

but taking third place in this series with 17 points

it's the Wordsmiths.

Congratulations on that glorious finish and well done, you, too,

Footballers - fourth. That is not easily done, very impressive.

Join me next time when will have two more teams so clever

that if we charged them for being here

this studio would qualify as a university. Goodbye.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd